Teen Abuses Cell Phone Privileges

Hi J.,

==> I've responded throughout your email below:

Dear Mark,

Sorry about my questions about chores. I jumped the gun after watching your video and assumed that was the same as covered in the written materials without reading through it.

I had a peaceful Christmas without problems with my son over the present concern I had.

==> Wonderful.

My son had shoved the snow to have earned a wireless keyboard with a mouse for only $39. He seemed to be okay with it. He worked, earned it and I spent less money because it was boxing day price. Wow, what a difference. I praised him after each shoving. At the last shoving after we placed the order online, he still went out to shove the snow and even told me that he did it the way I wanted him to do.

Further, I only got him necessity for the Christmas present which was offering him to shop for some clothes. And I even attached a condition to it and that was he needed to take off the remaining foul language in his room before we went shopping. He wasn't happy at all, but did not make a fight about it. He had tears in his eyes, said that wasn't what he wanted for presents and went into his room for a few hours on the Christmas day. He came out in the afternoon and joined the Turkey dinner with my friend's families over. He was polite to everyone. I then discovered that he erased all of the foul language! Wow!! I had tried everything to get him to remove it and even told him to find his own place to live, but nothing had made him do that.

==> These are good improvements!

With all the good stuff going on, unfortunately I am in a challenge right now!!

My son refused the 1-day consequence over leaving his cell phone with me for one day. Now I am issuing the 3-day discipline by taking the internet and his cell phone away. The crime is that my son ignores my request to keep his phone on for me to call him and to answer my calls. I explained to him that I need to be able to get hold of him on his cell phone when I needed to, but he won't listen. I feel this is reasonable parental request, am I correct?

==> Exactly ...you are right on track here.

The challenge now is that my son has refused any disciplines in the past. This time he did not leave his phone with me yesterday AND did not come home last night (no show this morning when I left for work). For your info., not coming home on his own will happened in the past. I made the decision this morning to start the 3-day consequence anyway because I didn't know what else to do with the curve ball he threw at me by not coming home. I took the modem and the house phone with me and I am about to call the cell phone company to report the loss of his phone because this is the only way to disconnect it temporally. I did the research before hand.

Where do I go from here on and what can I expect to happen from him?

==> First of all, I have to say that you have clearly studied that material. I am really impressed with how you handled this situation.


Let him know that the 3-day-discipline starts as soon as he returns home. Also, if you can contact him, tell him that -- if he does not return home immediately -- you will call police and file a "run away" complaint against him.

Do I tell him to come home by the curfew for 3 days in a row in order to get off the 3-day discipline?

==> No. He should be grounded (in the house) for those 3 days.

What else can I offer him to get off? It must have other options because curfew has been problem for long time.

I predict he won't comply by 3 days. So, do I tell him until he does the whatever option, he then can get off it?

==> You may need to involve the police and get assistance from your local juvenile probation department. If he is not going to follow house rules AND refuses to accept discipline, then you have only 2 choices really: (1) you can let him run wild (really bad choice), or (2) you can get assistance from authorities.

You might feel that I should not pick this fight right now because the Christmas has been fine with him. But I have talked with him heavily about the phone issue last a week or so, and it progresses to this point and I don't know how to delay it without sending him the wrong message that I gave up. I thought I would pick a minor issue to show him that I am able to carry through the consequences the way differently from the past. This is important for me in terms of tackling harder issue later like the curfew.

Please provide me with your advise on this challenge. Thank you.

==> Again, you are largely on track -- I can't emphasize this enough.

Be sure to read Ask The Parent Coach on the page entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid" [session #3 - online version of the eBook]. The information there applies directly to your current situation.


Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I almost had to keep from chuckling...

Mark-

I have tried some of the reverse psychological responses on my 2 girls -- and you should have seen the confusion on their faces! I almost had to keep from chuckling.

D.

My Out-of-Control Teen

She screams that she wants to kill me...

Hi Mark,

Could you please advise how you would deal with the following situation.

When I tell my daughter that she cannot go to a friends for a sleepover (after already staying at friends a previous night) she screams that she wants to kill me and that she cannot stand being in the house with me and then storms out and states that she is going anyway. She has fallen out with her boyfriend and has self-harmed. Her boyfriend is finished with her because of her tantrums and consequential self-harm.

She is verbally attacking me from the moment she gets up and will not listen to a word I say. My partner has moved out because of the way she treats me and my doctor wants to put me on antidepressants.

I am a single parent with a 13-year-old boy and my 16-year-old daughter.

I am at the end of my tether.

Appreciate your help.

Thanks

M.

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Hi M.,

Re: “…she is going anyway.”

Teens use threats of running away as a means of getting attention, resolving an argument or even as an attempt to make their parents feel guilty or scared. Yet, too often parents take light of what their teen states regarding running away. If your daughter is threatening to run away, take time to consider what the underlying problem might be. If she threatens to run away, don't be intimidated. Let her know that you'll call the police and speak to each and every one of her friends' parents in order to find her. Let her know that you will do whatever you have to do to get her back – no matter where she goes – even if it means filing a runaway complaint with authorities.

Re: self-harm.

Please refer to this page: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/cutting.html

Re: verbal attacks.

Are you using “Anger Management” and “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Session #3 – online version of the eBook] to deal with this issue?

Mark

Stepfather Fondled Stepdaughter?

Hi Mark,

I just joined your program, but I am wondering if this is right. My daughter is now 20 years old; she does not live at home anymore. She is at college and living with her boyfriend. The reason I felt that I should join is that so many of the things you have written and said sound so much like her behavior as she was growing up and I just always attributed it to being from a divorced family and living in a "step" family. But just very recently after 15 years in the house with my husband, she comes to me and tells me that he had been fondling her from the time she was 12 to 18. Several questions arose from me by this allegation. My head tells me I should believe my daughter but I am finding it so hard to believe that my husband would be capable of this. I have spoke to a few of the people she has "told" that he has done this to her, but so far these people are saying she NEVER said anything specific just that you have to watch him. Then I heard she threw his son into the mix. His son is 3 years older than her and they have ALWAYS been very close, she has always confided in him, he has always helped her, etc. So without getting so deep into this whole thing through an email I’m just wondering if this is going to help me find out if my daughter DOES have a problem. In the 6 years this was going on she NEVER told me, her biological father (who she did/does see), we have 2 friends that are police (one local one state), she never took this information to them, 2 of the people she said she told were adults and NEVER told me that she told them this. There are just several things that are concerning to me. This is my husband’s life on the line, but on the other hand if he did this to my child, HOW HORRIBLE!!!!! I have asked my husband to move out to give me the space I feel I need to sort all of this out and he did, his family is very upset by it, but that can ONLY be natural. He has also agreed to go to a counselor as well as take a polygraph to prove his innocence. I have asked my daughter to go to counseling because if he HAS done this to her, she needs help to deal with it.

Any advise, any help, any suggestions? Will this program help and lead me in the right direction?

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Hi R.,

Whether or not it is occurring more often or being reported more often, the incidence of reported sexual abuse of children has increased in America. Studies have shown 1 out of 4 women - and 1 out of 10 men - state they were sexually abused as children.

A member of their own family or someone known to the family has molested most sexually abused children. Only 15 to 20 percent of child molesters are unknown to their victims.

Force is not commonly used in child molestation. Since the offender is often a close family member, the victim usually has a trusting relationship with him. The fact that trust is deliberately violated by the offender is what makes child sexual abuse so damaging.

Any sexualized behavior (e.g., sexual acting out, talking about sex at a young age) is a sign that the child or adolescent may be abused.

Most victims - over 90 percent according to research - are telling the truth when they reveal what has been happening to them. Usually the victim has no reason to lie about so serious a matter while the alleged offender has every reason to deny it. Since there is so much embarrassment and shame associated with it, young ladies (and men) tend not to mention past sexual abuse if it had not happened?

Because of the realistic fears of disclosure - the shame, criminal prosecution and possible break-up of the family - sexual abuse can go on for years before it is discovered. The pressures on the victim not to disclose are enormous. Often, she has been repeatedly warned by the offender not to tell and she is afraid of what might happen to him - and her family if she does.

If the disclosure of the sexual abuse is handled calmly and properly and if treatment is provided, the abuse will not necessarily permanently traumatize a victim. But without proper handling and treatment, the effects to the victim can include life-long depression, guilt, self-concept problems, unresolved anger, sexual dysfunctions or hyper-sexuality and difficulty trusting other people.

Whenever a youth says she has been sexually victimized, the best strategy is to believe her. She must also be reassured that she has done the right thing by disclosing and that she is in no way responsible for the abuse. Her chances of recovering from the molestation are much greater if she is supported in these ways.

If you suspect that sexual abuse has occurred, you must report it.

Polygraphs are much more reliable today than in times past. Thus, if he passes, you will need to consider putting the whole thing in the past. If he does not pass, then …well, you know the truth about what went on.

Re: Will this program help and lead me in the right direction?

I think it will help you make sense of some of your daughter’s “dysfunctional” behavior – behavior that would be much more related to an “over-indulgent” parenting style rather than the after-effects of divorce or molestation.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

My husband has been able to access my son's MSN...

Merry Christmas Mark,

We have been working your program and things are coming along nicely. I would really appreciate your opinion about something though. My husband has been able to access my son's MSN and he is able to see all conversations my son has online with his friends. This came in handy at one point because we were able to find out that A__ was selling/trading his ritalin for cigarettes and alcohol.....this was quite serious so I was happy at that time to be able to track what he was doing. A__ has no idea we can see his MSN on the computer. Anyway, I'm not so sure that my husband should keep checking his conversations online because how will he ever be able to trust him with all this inside information. Let's face it kids bullshit to their friends and exaggerate, so he may not even be being truthful about some things. I was raised pulling the wool over my parents eyes at times and we still had a wonderful loving relationship as does my husband with his parents. Please give me your thoughts on this.

Thank you, J.

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Hi J.,

Please refer to "It's O.K. To Spy On Your Teens".

Good Luck,

Mark