Eloquent Lines of Bullshit

Hi J.,

== > I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Hi Mark,

I have 3 questions now with one being the most pressing. That is, do you see my son is going to accept the discipline based on the information I provided?

== > Strong-willed, out-of-control children will rehabilitate themselves when they are ready, and not a minute sooner. They will change their behavior when – and only when – they choose to. The job of parents is not to get children to obey. It is to simply teach them that responsible behavior results in one sort of consequence while irresponsible behavior results in quite another. Oppositional, defiant kids refuse to accept this fundamental reality until they are forced to experience a significant degree of discomfort related to their poor choices. Discomfort comes from parents’ implementation of tough love – and unfortunately, tough love is often tougher on the parent than the child, especially if the parent has adopted an over-indulgent parenting style over the years.

Last night he acted out badly insulting, harassing, shouting at me for a half hour to force me to give him the internet to print math materials or he would not go to school today. I did not accept his reason. I re-stated my 3-day grounding discipline to him.

Please just allow me to show you what we communicated and see how you think of our situation is --very bad, have hope and out of tunnel soon?

In the evening he wrote:

"First things first, you have the phone cord. I plugged in a clock phone with that wire Friday night so wherever you put the phone is where the cord is.

Secondly, it's funny how you're still trying to ground me and powertrip by removing all means of contact from the house. That surely is the way to rekindle a relationship during the final stretch I'm here. Plus, do you really expect me to go along with it? I'm an adult, I think for myself so you're going nowhere besides backwards. Did you ever even consider how I'll do my math + english without daily internet access? Guess not. Keep trying to impose rules on me, before you know it I'm gone and regret will be on both sides. And it's not like they've worked on me, even if I don't contact my friends I'd rather walk the streets than be here."

I wrote back:

"You convinced me very clearly. I found the cord. It was my mistake and I apologize.
It is your choice to walk the streets because I can not tie you down at home. But I want to tell you that nobody would love you more than I do in the world. So, I hope that you choose to make better choices.

You will have the phones and internet back as long as you choose to accept the 3-day discipline and stay in the house the entire time. Let's say it starts 7 pm this evening. You will be ungrounded at 7 pm Wednesday if you com home straight from the school and stay in the house.

Also, next time you choose to violate the cell phone use and prevent me from reaching you, you will choose a 7-day grounding with phones and internet revoked.

You are legally an adult now, so I expect more that you choose to accept responsibilities for your choices. The house rules do not disappear, and there are more rules on your way in your life ahead such as rules from a landlord, roommates and employers. You will choose to improve and do better with your life if you choose to take responsibilities for rules."

== > Great Job! I couldn’t have said it better.

He then acted out badly. He went out 9:30 to get his math printed and said it was my fault that he had to break the grounding. On the way out he said something like: I can see that you are a little apprehensive. Don't worry, I am harmless, I won't harm you, you are my mother. Did he really mean this or would he do the opposite of this one day? He returned home before 12.

== > Of course he acted badly then. He gave you HIS best power trip (I see he is a very good at feeding you eloquent lines of bullshit), but you didn’t cave. GOOD FOR YOU.

== > Keep working the program - I think you are over a very important "hump" now.

Mark

MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Lying & Disrespect

Hi M.,

I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Thanks for your response. I guess part of the problem is that there are so many issues and I am not sure which is most pressing. Long term, the biggest problems seem to be lying and disrespect. They are the most difficult for me to deal with.

== >Please click here for info on lying: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/lying.html

==> Re: disrespect. Refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [session #3 – online version].

When she lies, I do not always catch her. I suspect lying a lot, but even when I catch her red handed, she will manipulate and continue lying until the story is so long, I forget what we even started with. So many other times, I do not know if she is lying or not and if I can't verify, I don't feel justified in disciplining. She also lies to other people. If I hear a lie third hand and address it with her, she says it is not true. Therefore, I rarely end up disciplining what I imagine is a ton of lies that I do not catch for sure.

Disrespect is also hard because it takes on so many minor forms, like eye rolling, ignoring, etc., but also is bigger in the manipulation and lying and complete lack of respect for other peoples feelings and things. I am not sure which battle of these to pick.

In addition, I have hunted and hunted for therapists that would work on social skills with her to no avail. She sees a therapist weekly, but will not open up to any of them (we are on the 4th one). I tend to feel sorry for her because she is constantly losing a friend, fighting with someone, etc. She really does not have any peer support and has gotten so desperate that she will do anything to impress or get any type of attention from her peers. Most of her behavior issues, seem to stem from her trying to impress her peers.

==> Therapy is largely a waste of time and money. It is just another “traditional” parenting strategy that often makes a bad problem worse – because “counseling” or “therapy” feels like punishment to the child.

==> If you will read all the text [in both the online and printable versions of the eBook] as well as view all the instructional videos, you WILL be pleasantly surprised at how much positive change occurs in a fairly short time.

==> Stay the course – and stay in touch,

Mark

Online Parent Support

We thought maybe he should see that the grass is not always greener on the other side...

Mr Hutten,

I have a question to ask but I feel I should give some background material first.

My girlfriend and I have been living together for 5 years now. She has three sons two still live with us one has moved out on his own. The two living with us are 9 and 15. I have two sons one in college and a 15 year old.

The reason for purchasing your study guide is for her 15 year old. When we moved in together (my home – in case it matters) we had issues with my 15 year (at the time 11), it lasted two weeks and everything collected itself back together. The house went along fine for quite some time. I coached her sons in little league, and tried to be the best I could for them. My son is more a computer nerd so it was nice to have kids interested in sports.

Her kid’s father was never much in their lives with visits to him two to three times a year tops, and always with an issue when they would go there. Her ex is an alcoholic, and on occasion the 15 year old would catch him drunk, the younger rarely saw it.

Her 15 year old started giving us problems about a year ago. Just your typical testing the waters type of stuff. Staying out at least 15 minutes past when you told him to come home type of stuff. We did what we thought was best in grounding and applying chores. But then came the disrespect and that was the worst he would not grant us any it was like we became non people in his eyes. I was no longer able to talk with him because I started getting the “your not my father” bit. He started disrespecting his mother on almost every situation only being nice when there was something he wanted. I knew the adjustment of coming to live with me would happen but it took almost 3 years to surface, my sons happened in the first two weeks. I guess it really took me off guard when his grades dropped and I wouldn’t let him go out for spring training in football because of 2 F’s and D’s on the report card. This to me seemed to be the spiral downward. I talked with the school and wanted him to play but wanted them to help by having his coach talk with him, but that was no use as long as he had a 1.5 GPA he could play. And making A’s in P.E. and another elective he had that. But our rules differed from theirs, so we became the Bad People.

After starting your course we saw we made mistakes and were doing our best to stay on the rules you set forth. It has been a gradual thing but improvement has been seen, although not in grades but we saw hope their also. Being 15 has it motivations with driving permit and all being able to be used as a tool. Which we have told both of the 15 year olds driving is a privilege that comes with good grades and work. No work, no driving, case closed.

Well now to my question. Her sons went to their fathers after Christmas this year. When their mother went to pick them up the 15 year old said he wanted to stay and live there. We had discussed this throughout the past year or so what to do when this came up, and we thought maybe he should see that the grass is not always greener on the other side, and that rules will follow wherever he goes, and that three visit a year father will be seen as parent also (hopefully). It seemed so easy in a hypothetical situation, but now it consumes every waking thought. Did we do the right thing? What to say when he calls? What if he says he wants to come home, although I want him to I don’t want to screw up a great chance at getting on the right path by saying something stupid or sounding to proud that he just wants to come home? It hasn’t even been 24 hours yet and I am getting the acid stomach, I can’t even imagine what his mother feels. We think we did what is best for the long term but it sure seems wrong right now.

Any thoughts or direction would be greatly appreciated.

Thank You,

D.

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Hi D.,

Re: Did we do the right thing?

I believe so.

Re: What to say when he calls?

That you love and miss him.

Re: What if he says he wants to come home, although I want him to I don't want to screw up a great chance at getting on the right path by saying something stupid or sounding to proud that he just wants to come home?

You have strategies to deal with him effectively now. If he wants to come home, then you will have a golden opportunity for a fresh start. Draft a behavior contract first - and let him see it and sign-off on it. In this way, he will know up front what the expectations are.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen