She keeps saying really mean things to and about her peers at school...

Hi Mark,

I have a problem which has been ongoing on and off for a while. My 14 year old daughter (the eldest of twins) keeps saying really mean things to and about her peers at school. Oh I should mention this twin always seems to be in competition with her twin sister, but this is not the case for twin sister. I hope that made sense.

She keeps blaming everything on her twin sister when it goes wrong with her peers and will not take responsibility for her actions or for saying mean things to her peers. She just expects her friends to keep taking the meanness and just keep going on with life as if she has said nothing mean. I try to explain to her that her peers are getting feed up with the meanness and that she will not have any friends if she keeps it up. When I try to explain this, she flies of the handle, saying “I don’t want to talk about it and stay out of it.” Every time her friends get funny with her she wonders why they are like it and blames her twin sister for taking her friends away from her. I have tried to explain that it has nothing to do with her sister and that her friends have a mind of their own and make their own decisions as to who they want to associate with, but she still blames her sister. Two of her friends are so angry with her for things she has said over the school break and you can see the anger in them when the 14 year old is around. She will not speak with anyone etc (counsellor) saying they are gay (an Australian terminology for stupid). What can I do as I don’t want to go through another year of this. How do I teach her to take responsibility for her words and actions without it looking like I am favouring her sister and what strategies can I give her twin sister to also cope with this? I hope this is enough information. Oh and they are in different classes at school.

I am at my wits end with this matter, please help.

Regards,

P.

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Hi P.,

The strategy that you will want to use here is in session #3 - online version - entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid."

Please review that section (including the videos). I will be glad to help you plug your specific situation into that strategy if needed (i.e., use your specific example rather than the ones I made up for instruction purposes).

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Re: Negative Peer Influence

Mark:

Thanks for being there. I have a problem I need to act fast on. Over weekend my 15 (almost 16) daughter was caught by police at a party gone bad. They found her on the street and held her until we picked her up in the police car - she was not charged. The house was trashed according to the police officier. We also found out that she was at a another party on Friday night and was given a ride home from a senior - she has been told we do not want her in car with kids. She has become a very believable liar. She is very vague with story and sticks to main points. I asked her again, to let me know what happened on Saturday and she repeated same story and asked for phone back - that she should not be grounded based on being at the wrong place at the wrong time. She and friends were picking up someone and had to go to door to get them, because there phone went dead - both of them. Anyways, at that moment the police came and everyone took off. She and a couple of the boys were held, but her girlfriend, who walked away to talk on the phone with boyfriend got in the car with someone else and took off. This is the same girl's sister that bought her tickets for her to go to ALice in WOnderland, which is an underground party scene which allows you to use your imagination while on drugs. At this place, the girl's boyfriend overdosed on acid and was taken to the emergency room. We take our daughter away on most weekends to avoid the party scene. She has repeatedly told us to find her a boading school she hates being with us. It could be away to get away with saving face with her friends. The parents of her friends do not want to be involved or know what is going on - so they are of no help. We found out late last night from a neighbor's son that she was at parties Friday and Saturday. On saturday, she did smell of some sort of alcohol. We have all the phones and told her she lost the phone for 3 days, but it needs to be more. She is in way over her head and not one of her "friends" is any good. We have cut all communications with her "friends" - but when I checked the texts on her phone - it was almost like a merit badge that she was with cops. I know they love drama, but how stupid. We think it might be better to move and start over - we have been told that it never works, but I do not know how to get her away. We in the mean time think we should tell her she can only see her friends at our house - I do not want them here either, but don't know what else to do. She had other friends that seem like they would be a better crowd, but does not see them - almost like it would be a downgrade to be with them. I think our daughter wants to be good, but gets caught up in the drama. When we get her away, she seems happy again and is a joy to be around. She has a great sense of humor. When she is home and by her friends, she is so angry and everything makes her mad that we do or say. We have three children 19,15, and 13. She is in the middle and the boys are on either side. She is very disrespectful at times, usually when her friends are with her. Where in the past, we have bent the rules and allow her yet another chance, this time we are being strong and not bending. We give her postive reenforcement and always try to ask questions to show we are interested, but get little response. We are following the program, but seems like we have to step it up.

B.

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Hi B,

The effects of peer influence are remarkably strong. Adolescents' social anxiety (i.e., their fears about others not liking them) is a major factor affecting their vulnerability to peer influence. Those high in social anxiety are especially likely to be influenced by peers, even if the peers are not highly popular/liked.

Many interventions try to change adolescents' aggressive and risk behavior using rational arguments, persuasive information and "fear-appeals" that emphasize the negative consequences that follow from such behavior. But a more effective route involves changing not adolescents' own attitudes but their perceptions of the attitudes of their peers.

You lead them to think, "This behavior does not fit with my group, or with the group to which I want to belong."

So what can you do? Relocating will not change the source of the problem (i.e., the way your daughter is influenced by peers). She will be "influenced" no matter where you go. It's not a question of whether or not she will be influenced; rather it is a question of what group will influence her. There are as many negative peers in Milwaukee as there are in Texas.

Thus, exposing her to a better group of people (e.g., church group, YWCA, Big Sister programs, various school programs) may be a better alternative to explore.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Promoting Children's Self-esteem

My son is feeling more and more negative about himself. No one ever wants to play with him and it's painful to hear him say such negative things. What do I say to him when he talks like that? It seems like talking positively can make it worse.

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Moms & dads, more than anyone else can promote their youngster's self-esteem. It isn't a particularly difficult thing to do. If fact, most moms & dads do it without even realizing that their words and actions have great impact on how their youngster or teenager feels about himself. Here are some suggestions to keep in mind.

When you feel good about your youngster, mention it to him. Moms & dads are often quick to express negative feelings to kids but somehow don't get around to describing positive feelings. A youngster doesn't know when you are feeling good about him and he needs to hear you tell him that you like having him in the family. Kids remember positive statements we say to them. They store them up and "replay" these statements to themselves. Practice giving your youngster words of encouragement throughout each day.

Be generous with praise. Use what is called descriptive praise to let your youngster know when they are doing something well. You must of course become in the habit of looking for situations in which your youngster is doing a good job or displaying a talent. When your youngster completes a task or chore you could say, "I really like the way you straightened your room. You found a place for every thing and put each thing in its place." When you observe them showing a talent you might say, "That last piece you played was great. You really have a lot of musical talent." Don't be afraid to give praise often even in front of family or friends. Also, use praise to point out positive character traits. For instance, "You are a very kind person." Or, "I like the way you stick with things you do even when it seems hard to do." You can even praise a youngster for something he did not do such as "I really liked how you accepted my answer of 'no' and didn't lose your temper."

Teach your youngster to practice making positive self-statements. Self-talk is very important in everything we do. Psychologists have found that negative self-talk is behind depression and anxiety. What we think determines how we feel and how we feel determines how we behave. Therefore, it is important to teach kids to be positive about how they "talk to themselves." Some examples of useful self-talk are: "I can get this problem, if I just keep trying." "It's OK if our team lost today. We all tried our best and you can't win them all." "It makes me feel good to help others even if the person doesn't notice or thank me."

Avoid criticism that takes the form of ridicule or shame. Sometimes it is necessary to criticize a youngster's actions, and it is appropriate that moms & dads do so. When, however the criticism is directed to the youngster as a person it can easily deteriorate into ridicule or shame. It is important to learn to use "I statements" rather than "You statements" when giving criticism. For instance say, "I would like you to keep your clothes in the proper place in your closet or drawers not lying all over your room;" rather than saying "Why are you such a lazy slob? Can't you take care of anything?"

Teach your youngster about decision-making and to recognize when he has made a good decision. Kids make decisions all the time but often are not aware that they are doing so. There are a number of ways moms & dads can help kids improve their ability to consciously make wise decisions. Kids make decisions all the time but often are not aware that they are doing so. There are a number of ways moms & dads can help kids improve their ability to consciously make wise decisions.

1. Allow the youngster to choose one of the solutions only after fully considering the consequences. The best solution will be one that solves the problem and simultaneously makes the youngster feel good about himself.

2. Brainstorm the possible solutions. Usually there is more than one solution or choice to a given dilemma, and the parent can make an important contribution by pointing out this fact and by suggesting alternatives if the youngster has none.

3. Help the youngster clarify the problem that is creating the need for a decision. Ask him questions that pinpoint how he sees, hears, and feels about a situation and what may need to be changed.

4. Later join the youngster in evaluating the results of that particular solution. Did it work out well? Or did it fail? if so, why? Reviewing the tactics will equip the youngster to make a better decision the next time around.

Develop a positive approach to providing structure for your youngster. All kids and teens need to accept responsibility for their behavior. They should learn self-discipline. To help kids learn self-discipline, the parent needs to adopt the role of coach/teacher rather than that of disciplinarian and punisher. Learn the "Three Fs" of positive parenting. (Discipline should be fair, firm and friendly).

Ten additional steps you can take to help your youngster develop a positive self-image:

1. Encourage your kids to ask for what they want assertively, pointing out that there is no guarantee that they will get it. Reinforce them for asking and avoid anticipating their desires.

2. Encourage your kids to behave toward themselves the way they'd like their friends to behave toward them.

3. Encourage your kids to develop hobbies and interests which give them pleasure and which they can pursue independently.

4. Help kids learn to focus on their strengths by pointing out to them all the things they can do.

5. Help your kids develop "tease tolerance" by pointing out that some teasing can't hurt. Help kids learn to cope with teasing by ignoring it while using positive self-talk such as "names can never hurt me," "teases have no power over me," and "if I can resist this tease, then I'm building emotional muscle."

6. Help your kids think in terms of alternative options and possibilities rather than depending upon one option for satisfaction. A youngster who has only one friend and loses that friend is friendless. However, a youngster who has many friends and loses one, still has many. This same principle holds true in many different areas. Whenever you think there is only one thing which can satisfy you, you limit your potential for being satisfied! The more you help your kids realize that there are many options in every situation, the more you increase their potential for satisfaction.

7. Laugh with your kids and encourage them to laugh at themselves. People who take themselves very seriously are undoubtedly decreasing their enjoyment in life. A good sense of humor and the ability to make light of life are important ingredients for increasing one's overall enjoyment.

8. Let kids know they create and are responsible for any feeling they experience. Likewise, they are not responsible for others' feelings. Avoid blaming kids for how you feel.

9. Let kids settle their own disputes between siblings and friends alike.

10. Teach kids to change their demands to preferences. Point out to kids that there is no reason they must get everything they want and that they need not feel angry either. Encourage them to work against anger by setting a good example and by reinforcing them when they display appropriate irritation rather than anger.

Online Parent Support

I will not allow her boyfriend to sleep at our house...

Hi Mark,

I have not been at peace with myself about this subject for the past 2 years. My daughter, M_____, is a freshman at college, lives on campus and has done very well the first semester. The college is 45 minutes away from our house, so she returns every weekend. I am having a terrible time with my inner peace about her spending nights with her boyfriend from high school, C___, when she returns home. I will not allow her boyfriend to sleep at our house, but the boyfriend lives with his grandparents who allow my daughter to sleep at their house. At first I was nice to him, but I do not respect him for encouraging her to do this. It has come to me not wanting to face him, so I don't.

A few months ago, I went as far as calling the grandmother to tell her that I am opposed to that behavior and we had a nice chat. Nothing has changed and my daughter at 18 continues to do this. She stayed every single night at the boyfriends over Christmas break. She did this with the last boyfriend as well. It eats me alive and my husband is very accepting of it, so it causes friction between he and I. Half the time, I just don't speak, as I am so upset with this behavior. I have said, "While living in our house, you have rules to follow". "If you want to do this when you have your own expenses and rent, then so be it". My views are never respected and I have come close to moving out of my own home because of it. I feel that if the boyfriend respected me, he would not let M_____ spend the night. It upsets me so much. I am more upset with my husband for letting her get away with it and she knows it. It is so difficult for me to accept this and my husband totally ignores my opinion, which upsets me more. It is a terrible example for my 10th grade daughter. I really resent my 18 yr old. She thinks because she is 18, it is ok. I am more disappointed in her and my husband for tarnishing my value system. We raised our girls with good values, attend church and taught them what is right and what is wrong. M_____ does not want to be involved in any church activities and has strayed from her faith, which hurts me, but I do know some teenagers do.

I need to find peace, and I really try, but I suppress it and then I blow at the first opportunity. I am busy with a job, workout regularly, teach Sunday school and volunteer at the church which gives me great joy, but I continue to feel so sad, embarrassed and disappointed with M_____'s behavior. She seldom eats dinner with us when she is home as she is always out. M_____ knows how important it is to me to have a family meal together.

Believe me, my husband and I got counseling from a wonderful man on how to handle her, but the problem is not sleeping at home when she comes home. My husband thinks we should get more counseling, but I now refuse as I have had enough. I do not need someone to tell me how to accept this because I never will. I feel let down by my husband too. My friends are great and offer me great support, which is always uplifting.

J.

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Hi J.,

I see two issues here really: (1) the fact that she is staying nights with her boyfriend, and (2) she’s not been coming home.

It's natural for a mother to feel some sadness when her child leaves home and spends a lot of time with a boyfriend. It is quite normal to have a little weep now and again – or even go into the absent child's bedroom and sit there for a bit in an attempt to feel closer to her.

We know of a successful, busy and confident woman - an agony aunt, in fact - who admitted she went into her son's bedroom to sniff his T-shirt shortly after he left to go to university for the first time.

So don't be ashamed of your feelings - they are natural.

But if you experience any of the following severe symptoms, you should seek professional help - especially if they go on for longer than a week:

· You feel your useful life has ended.
· You are crying excessively.
· You're so sad you don't want to mix with friends or go to work.

In this kind of situation, what seems to happen is that the child's departure unleashes seriously depressed feelings, and these very definitely need treating.

If you know that your sadness is overwhelming you, do go and discuss your feelings with your counselor as soon as possible. You almost certainly could use some counseling to get your feelings into perspective, and you may need antidepressants.

When your child leaves home, you'll obviously want to keep in touch with her. But don't try and do this excessively.

Be sensitive to the fact that your daughter is trying to take a big, significant step in life - which doesn’t actually much to do with you.

Your daughter will need your support, but will not want to feel like you’re nagging her. And the more you cling or show that you're upset the boyfriend, the less likelihood there is of her contacting you or coming to visit.

Ration your calls to no more than two a week. Also, try texting or using email instead of phoning. You'll be able to put your feelings succinctly without getting too emotional.

This form of communication will probably suit your daughter better, too. It's much easier for a young person to say 'I really miss you' in a message rather than on the phone, when other students (or a boyfriend) might be listening.

Online Parent Support

I have been asked to help care for a young girl...

Dear Mark,

I have been asked to help care for a young girl of a friend of mine. We went to youth court today and I have been given permission to work with the psychologist and school to help this 12 year old. She has been molested on several different occasions and is very defiant with her mother who has been neglectful in the past. She has been diagnosed with ADHD PTSD and a defiance disorder. Her mother has asked me for help and I have some concerns about her behavior. I do not want to put myself at risk of being accused of inappropriate sexual conduct or child abuse. She has a very distorted perception of reality. She lies about everything and she has had a suicide attempt. I watched her lie to a judge today and lie about the cell phone she stole from her mom this morning. I am purchasing your book this evening for her mother. I am not sure how I can help or if I am in too deep.

Her mom called me in hysterics this evening at her wits end. I have been supportive in the past. I have watched this family for several years and I am concerned about the safety of her mother and her little brother. These childs have been in foster care and shuffled around to other people and I think they have experienced abandonment trauma.

The mom wants me to take her daughter for a few weeks and see if I can help to make some changes. As I said before I am concerned about what will happen to me if she accuses me of some sort of abuse. I think that this young lady needs more professional care I am not sure that I have the training for such an undertaking. My job now is to pick her up from school and take care of her for 2 hours every week day after school. I will give her mom your book ad I will read it also but I need some advice if I am taking on too much responsibility.

Thank You,
R.

By the way I have had to do a background check through the FBI to have permission to be involved in her care.

For someone who has faced such difficult mental health issues, will following the same steps we would with a "regular" kid work?

Hi Mark,

Thanks so much for your response.

Many of the points you made are right on! We know where we are regarding lack of skills. I think my question is that my son has severe lack of coping skills and challenges re: depression. He's missed out on so much emotional growth because of his depression.

He is so behind that I question whether we can move him ahead on our own as parents. He is willing to go to therapy, but, honestly, usually shuts down at some point.

We are holding him to chores, not giving him any money, he has to do stuff around the house to earn use of the car daily. Still, this is excruciatingly slow. And I don't know whether he will ever decide to get a job. Rather, he just seems willing to sit in the basement when he runs out of money. (He has $55 left to his name.)

He has so far to go re: dealing with his emotions, accepting responsibility for making decisions and taking actions to move forward with his life . . . I think it would take 2 years if he were in a residential program . . . and we're at home moving at a much slower pace. He would definitely benefit from being somewhere else where someone besides use could hold him to consequences. Here, if he doesn't do something, he still gets to sit in my basement staring at the TV.

I'm not sure how to move forward. He is doing OK at this level, which is definitely better than where he was two months ago. The next level is getting him engaged in something such as a job, volunteer work, even working out at the gym!

My question is for someone who has faced such difficult mental health issues (and still is), will following the same steps we would with a "regular" kid work?

I'm afraid that we will have to evict him eventually and I don't want to do that because I don't want him to come apart again . . . without meds. I guess that's the real issue I have to face.

J.

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Hi J.,

Re: My question is for someone who has faced such difficult mental health issues (and still is), will following the same steps we would with a "regular" kid work?

He is a regular kid. Are you sure you paid attention to the "reframing" business in Fair Fighting [session #1 - online version].

Here's the reframe for depression (which should be your mantra as a parent of a depressed kid):

Depressed -- overwhelmed, quite, slowing down, taking inventory, reflecting on the past, possibility to rest, gaining strength before some trial or test, to mature important plans, reflection before action, hitting the brakes, placing one’s values and/or goals in a new order

You're still feeling sorry for him at some level. This will be -- and is -- a huge obstacle for the entire family.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

From: Parent to an up and coming Adult!

Mark,

You have no idea how much heartache, or how many stomachaches and headaches you have alleviated for me, or maybe you do… I hope you do! Well if you don't, please know that where I'm concerned, you are a true angel and I just hope you continue doing what you're doing!

Thanks again! =-)

Signed,

Parent to an up and coming Adult!

Online Parent Support