Time-Outs for Kids: Ages 2-5

Time-out is a way of disciplining your youngster for misbehavior without raising your hand or your voice. Time-out involves removing your youngster from the good stuff in life, for a small amount of time, immediately following misbehavior. Time-out for kids is similar to penalties used for hockey players. 

When a hockey player has misbehaved on the ice, he is required to go to the penalty area for two minutes. The referee does not scream at, threaten, or hit the player. He merely blows the whistle and points to the penalty area. During the penalty time, the player is not allowed to play, only watch. Time-out bothers hockey players because they would rather play hockey than watch. Keep this hockey comparison in mind when using time-out for your youngster. 

Kids usually do not like time-out because they would rather play than watch other kids play. So when you use time-out in response to a misbehavior, remove your youngster from whatever he or she is doing and have him or her sit down.

Where should the time-out area be located?

You do not have to use the same location each time. Just make sure the location is convenient for you. For example, using a downstairs chair is inconvenient when the problem behavior occurs upstairs. An adult-sized chair works best, but a step, footstool, bench, or couch will also work. Make sure the area is well-lit and free from all dangerous objects. Also make sure your youngster cannot watch TV or play with toys.

How long should time-out last?

The upper limit should be one quiet minute for every year your youngster has been alive. So if you have a 2-year-old, aim for two quiet minutes. Keep in mind, kids do not like time-out, and they can be very public with their opinion. So it may take some time to get those two minutes. This is especially true in the beginning when kids do not know the rules and still cannot believe you are doing this to them. For some reason, the calmer you remain, the more upset they are likely to become. This is all part of the process. Discipline works best when you administer it calmly.

So, do not begin the time until your youngster is calm and quiet. If your youngster is crying or throwing a tantrum, it does not count toward the required time. If you start the time because your youngster is quiet but he or she starts to cry or tantrum, wait until your youngster is quiet again and then start the time over. Do not let your youngster leave time-out unless he or she is calm; your youngster must remain seated and be quiet to get out of time-out. Some programs suggest using timers. Timers can be helpful but are not necessary. If you use one, remember the timer is to remind moms & dads that time-out is over, not kids.

What counts as quiet time?

Generally, quiet time occurs when your youngster is not angry or upset, and is not yelling or crying. You must decide when your youngster is calm and quiet. Some kids get perfectly still and quiet while in they’re in time-out. Other kids find it hard to sit still and not talk. Fidgeting and “happy talk” should usually count as being calm and quiet. For example, if your son sings or talks softly to himself, that counts as quiet time. Some kids do what we call “dieseling,” which is the quiet sniffling that usually follows a tantrum. Since a “dieseling” youngster is usually trying to stop crying but cannot find the off switch, this also should be counted as quiet time.

What if the youngster leaves the chair before time is up?

Say nothing! Calmly (and physically) return your youngster to the chair. For kids who are 2 to 4 years old, unscheduled departures from the chair are a chronic problem early in the time-out process. Stay calm and keep returning the youngster to the chair. If you tire or become angry, invite your spouse (or any adult who is nearby) to assist you as a tag-team partner. If you are alone and become overly tired or angry, retreat with honor. But when help arrives or when your strength returns, set the stage for another time-out.

What if my youngster misbehaves in the chair?

Say nothing and ignore everything that is not dangerous to youngster, yourself, and the furniture. I repeat: Say nothing! What do I mean by nothing? I mean not anything, the absence of something, the empty set, the amount of money you have when you have spent it all, the result of two minus two or what zero equals. I mean nothing. Most of your youngster’s behavior in the chair is an attempt to get you to react and say something, anything. So expect the unexpected, especially if you are a nagger, screamer, explainer, warner, reasoner, or just a talker. And I mean the unexpected. They may spit up, wet, blow their nose on their clothes (you may be tempted to say “Yecch” but…do not), strip, throw things, make unkind comments about your parenting skills, or simply say they do not love you anymore. Do not worry. They will love you again when their time is up, believe me.

When should I use time-out?

When you first start, use it for only one or two problem behaviors. After your youngster has learned to “do” time-out, you can expand the list of problem behaviors. In general, problem behaviors fall into three categories: 1) anything dangerous to self or others; 2) defiance and/or noncompliance; and 3) obnoxious or bothersome behavior. Use time-out for “1” and “2” and ignore anything in category “3.” If you cannot ignore something, move it into category “2” by issuing a command (e.g., “Take the goldfish out of the toilet.”). Then if the youngster does not comply, you can use time-out for noncompliance. Be sure to use time-out as consistently as possible. For example, try to place your youngster in time-out each time a targeted behavior occurs. I realize you cannot be 100 percent consistent because it is in our nature to adapt. But be as consistent as you can.

In general, immediately following a problem behavior, tell your youngster what he or she did and take him or her to time-out. (With older kids, send them to time-out.) For example, you might say, “No hitting. Go to timeout.” Say this calmly and only once. Do not reason or give long explanations to your youngster. If your youngster does not go willingly, take him or her to time-out, using as little force as needed. For example, hold your daughter gently by the hand or wrist and walk to the time-out area. Or, carry her facing away from you (so that she does not confuse a hug and a trip to time-out). As I suggested earlier, avoid giving your youngster a lot of attention while he or she is being put in time-out. Do not argue with, threaten, or spank your youngster. And what should you say? Hint: Starts with “No”’ and ends with “thing.” Answer: Say nothing!

What do I do when time is up?

When the time-out period is over, ask your youngster, “Are you ready to get up?” Your youngster must answer yes in some way (or nod yes) before you give permission for him or her to get up. Do not talk about why the youngster went into time-out, how the youngster behaved while in time-out, or how you want your youngster to behave in the future. In other words, do not nag. If your youngster says “No,” answers in an angry tone of voice, or will not answer all, start time-out over again. If your youngster chooses to stay in the chair, fine. It is hard to cause real trouble in time-out.

What do I do when my youngster leaves the chair?

If you placed your youngster in time-out for not doing what you told him or her to do, repeat the instruction. This will help teach your youngster you mean business. It also gives your youngster a chance to behave in a way that is good for business. If he or she still does not obey the instruction, then place him or her in time-out again. In addition, add in a few other easy-to-follow, one-step commands. If he or she does them, praise the performance. If not, back to time-out. Generally, use this opportunity to train your youngster to follow your instructions when those instructions are delivered in a normal tone of voice without being repeated.

The general rule for ending time-out is to praise a good behavior. Once time-out is over, reward your youngster for the kinds of behaviors you want him or her to use. Catch them being good.

Should I explain the rules of time-out to my youngster?

Before using time-out, you should explain the rules to your youngster once. At a time when your youngster is not misbehaving, explain what time-out is (simply), which problem behaviors time-out will be used for, and how long time-out will last. Practice using time-out with your youngster before using the procedure. While practicing, remind your youngster you are “pretending” this time. They will still go “ballistic” when you do your first real time-outs, but you will be reassured that you have done your part to explain the fine print.

Summary—

1. Be specific and brief when you explain why your youngster must go to time-out.
2. Catch them being good.
3. Choose time-out areas.
4. Do not talk to or look at your youngster during time-out.
5. Explain time-out.
6. If you wanted your youngster to follow an instruction, give him or her another chance after time-out is over. And, in general, deliver a few other easy-to-follow commands so your youngster clearly learns who is in charge and who is not.
7. If your youngster gets up from the chair, return him or her to the chair with no talking.
8. Use time-out every time the problem behaviors occur.
9. Your youngster must answer yes politely when you ask, “Would you like to get up?”
10. Your youngster must be calm and quiet to leave time-out once time is up.

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He got upset and started doing bad things...

Hi K.,

I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Mark,

Last two days, my son was behaving well. It seems your methods are working the magic, for two days at least.

Tonight, my son didn't take care of bath room well and he floor was wet after his use. I asked him to wipe the floor. He shouted "later!" by which he meant he wanted to do his activity (has his mom take his picture in his new shorts) first. But I insisted that he wipe the floor first because I wanted to take the bath and he made the mess in the public area. He called my name with clear intention to ignore my order. I told him that if he does not wipe the floor in three minutes, he will not be allowed to access the computer for 24 hours.

Here, my wife questions whether this is the right thing to tell our son when he is upset and doesn't seem to understand what I am telling him. Would you agree?

Partially … see below—

After he calmed down a little bit, I talked to my wife in front of him, that she should not allow him to access her computer for 24 hours. At that late stage, he got up and tried to go to the bath room. I stopped him and told him that it is too late because he didn't do it within 3 minutes, and I already wiped the floor.

(Should I have allowed him to wipe the floor anyway and let the consequence away?)

Not necessarily…

He got upset and started doing bad things including scratching walls, throwing things, lightly punching me on my shoulder, name calling etc. I could ignore name calling, but what should I react to his punch? Should I let him punch me as long as it doesn't really hurt me?

No. Absolutely not!

Prevention Methods:

First of all, come up with a plan where your son takes a bath/shower without getting water all over the floor (e.g., “…put a towel on the floor before showering and stand on it when you get out”). This could save an argument from happening in the first place.

Second, when your son is calm, give him the following warning [with your best poker face]:

“If you choose to ignore a request to clean up after yourself, you will choose the consequence – I will do your chore for you and you will lose computer privileges for 24 hours. In the event you become physically violent, you will lose computer privileges for 3 days – and run the risk of having the police called because battery and destroying property is illegal.”


Re: Did I apply "When You Want Something From Your Kid" properly?

I’d say you are largely on track.

Keep up the good work,

Mark

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Last night was a tough one...

Hi Mark!

Thank you for the welcome!

In desperation we search for answers… last night was a tough one. I have already applied some of what I read. Of course I created scenarios in my head (using the details you suggested). They all had a happy ending. It did not turn out quite the same in reality but there were no tempers and messages were passed.

I appreciate knowing you are there. I will be starting the video tomorrow.

E.

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Antisocial Behavior in Schools: Help for Teachers

Discipline should be viewed as an instrument with its primary purpose to allow effective instruction and learning. Proactive approaches are essential. This translates into knowing your children and staying ahead of them and their problems with positive and constructive problem solving that serves to prevent problems before they get out-of-hand. This means the use of learning objectives which provide the child with new and appropriate skills to replace the problem behaviors and lots of positive reinforcement for both the absence of the problem behavior and the exercise of the new adaptive skills.

• Accountability for outcomes is mandatory for any positive program to work with antisocial children. Any plan must include a systematic data-management program to provide such accountability.

• Clear, functional rules and expectations that make sense, improve the learning environment and which have positive benefits for the child if followed are essential.

• Maintenance of a consistent, predictable school environment is essential to any progress for antisocial children.

• Setting high expectations for the children. One of the most serious mistakes is becoming acclimated to the problematic behavior and children and attributing their behavior to outside factors over which they have little or no control. Setting high standards and taking responsibility among teachers sets a model for the children and children usually perform substantially better as a result.

• Support across teachers in implementing discipline is essential. This means that teachers do not ever undercut each other in front of any children.

The first suggestion is that a set of rules be developed for any classroom that has antisocial children. These rules must be promulgated clearly to each child and posted visibly within the room itself. I usually offer a set of 4 such rules (no threats or violence, no drug talk, no sex talk, and no profanity) as the absolute minimum starting point. Often, the teachers ask if it would be appropriate for the children to be solicited for input on additional rules. I caution them that they do not want too many such rules but that 1 or 2 additional child generated rules might well increase the acceptance of these new limits. Guidelines for developing such rules are:

1) Limit the number of expectations initially to four to six:

• State the expectations in positive terms using Clear, Concrete, and Concise language using as few words as possible.

• Identify specific behaviors to illustrate the range of acceptable variations.

• Identify clear positive and negative examples to illustrate each expectation.

2) Define a process and time lines for identifying expectations:

• Specify who participates in the development if expectations

• Specify how suggestions are to be offered and worded

• Specify how each expectation is going to be agreed upon and how everyone involved will learn about the meaning of each.

The second broad suggestion for the antisocial classroom is that a variety of privileges be identified. It is essential that these be framed for the children as earned privileges and not as lost rights. Such privileges must be both short term/immediate (that day), intermediate (weekly), and long-term (quarterly) to be maximally effective and allow the child the opportunity to test limits and still be able to recover. During my visits I spend a good deal of time observing and asking lots of questions so that I might suggest one or two obvious privileges for which appropriate behavior can be required of the children. A variety of privileges must be identified in order for there always to be a motivator for each children appropriate behavior. Only the teachers, administrators, and children know the circumstances well enough to decide what the range of such privileges might be at any given school. Frequently, in addition to the privileges, there is a list of proscribed behaviors which always "drop" a child immediately to the lowest level (often called "Red" or "Restricted" level), these often include:

• Harming Self or Other

• Leaving School Grounds

• Physical Aggression or Threats (there is no such thing as a threat that is a "joke")

• Property Damage

• Tobacco/Drug talk, use, or possession

• Verbal Aggression or Threats

• Weapons

• Other Behavior determined to be dangerous or harmful

Third, the combination of privileges and a level system means frequent and objective feedback is required for each child regarding their behavior. Many schools divide the day into hourly segments (and in some instances even ½ hour segments) with points across 5-6 classroom-wide goals and 2-3 personal goals. Typical classroom wide goals include:

• Demonstrates Honesty

• Exhibits Safe Thinking/Behavior

• Follows Rules and Expectations

• Maximizes Abilities/Independence

• Shows Respect for Self and Others

Additionally, personal goals for each child should be added to tailor the system and are typically based on a combination of long-standing needs on the part of the child and recent areas of concern/failure. Examples include such things as "no talking out", "keeping hands/feet to self", "respect for authority", and "absence of abusive language".

Providing adaptive strategies for the child to meet their behavior goal/expectation is the first point of intervention. However, if a child continually has problems with a particular goal or expectation there are a number of strategies, in addition to the privileges discussed above, which may be employed - some of which include:

• Change teaching strategy

• Corrective action plan (agreed to by child)

• Time out

• Separation from peers

• Removal of adult attention

• Redirection

• Deliver a warning and offer the child a choice with consequences for each explained

• Individual child conference (hallway 1:1)

Fourth, physical arrangement of the classroom significantly impacts the success or failure in achieving your behavior goals. Examples include:

• A notice board (not the blackboard) should be in a highly visible high traffic area of the classroom, but should also be positioned so it does not divert attention from instruction.

• Independent work requires an area with minimum distractions, therefore your use of individual desks is important.

• Storage of materials is a problem in all classrooms. Materials should be placed in low traffic areas to avoid distractions but allow relatively free access.

• The teacher’s desk should be out of the flow of traffic and allow for the maximizing of both personal safety and confidentiality of materials.

Fifth, transitions are very difficult for antisocial children. Transitions are frequently a time of little or no structure and ambiguity for the child. In order to minimize behavior problems a variety of mechanisms for increasing structure for transitions often help.

• Establish a schedule, not merely for block or class changes but for transitions between types of activities for each period.

• Post the schedule so that children know what to expect.

• Establish procedures for how each transition is accomplished and make certain that the children are aware of these expectations.

Sixth, antisocial children are often seen as low in "self-esteem". One method of addressing this is to offer frequent, realistic, and constructive feedback on both successes and areas of concern. Actual mastery of a goal and the appropriate acknowledgment of that success by a adult will lead to the development of genuine "self-esteem" or a sense of accomplishment and go a long way to improving "attitudes" among antisocial children. A caution here is that antisocial children are accomplished at sniffing out BS and therefore you must focus only on real accomplishments. Perhaps the most powerful strategy for implementing classroom expectations is to frequently reinforce children who exhibit appropriate behaviors. It is essential that the teachers clearly distinguish between cooperation and acquisition of academic skills - both forms of achievement need to be equally acknowledged with antisocial children.

Finally, all correction interventions with antisocial children should contain a series of steps in which the least intrusive step is followed first and more intrusive measures come into play only if the problem behavior persists. Children, particularly antisocial children have a real need to be able to predict what an adult’s response will be (within a range). An example of such a plan:

1. Remove attention from the child who is displaying low level inappropriate behavior, and acknowledge other children nearby who are exhibiting the expected behavior.

2. Redirect the child to the expected behavior with a gesture or verbal prompt, cite the classroom rule being violated, and be sure to acknowledge subsequent cooperation and displays of the expected behavior from the child.

3. Secure the child’s attention and clearly inform him or her of the expected behavior, provide immediate opportunities for practice, and acknowledge the changed behavior when it occurs.

4. Deliver a brief warning in a matter-of-fact manner by providing the child an opportunity to choose between displaying the expected behavior or experiencing a penalty or loss of privilege.

5. Deliver the penalty or loss of privilege in a matter-of-fact manner and do not argue with the child about details of the penalty.

The suggestions offered have the best chance of working and are the most fundamental to decreasing suspensions within the antisocial classroom.

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Behavior Problems & Head Injury

Mark-

Have you ever heard where a blow or brain injury can cause behavioural problems and will show up on a QEEG (quantitative EEG)?

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Yes. Head injury survivors may experience a range of neuro-psychological problems following a traumatic brain injury. Depending on the part of the brain affected and the severity of the injury, the result on any one child can vary greatly. Personality changes, memory and judgment deficits, lack of impulse control, and poor concentration are all common. Behavioral changes can be stressful for families and parents who must learn to adapt their communication techniques, established relationships, and expectations of what the impaired child can or cannot do.

In some cases extended cognitive and behavioral rehabilitation in a residential or outpatient setting will be necessary to regain certain skills. A neuro-psychologist also may be helpful in assessing cognitive deficits. However, over the long term both the survivor and any involved family members will need to explore what combination of strategies work best to improve the functional and behavioral skills of the impaired child.

Even a child who makes a “good” recovery may go through some personality changes. Family members must be careful to avoid always comparing the impaired child with the way he/she “used to be.” Personality changes are often an exaggeration of the child's pre-injury personality in which personality traits become intensified. Some changes can be quite striking. It may be, for example, the head injury survivor used to be easy going, energetic, and thoughtful and now seems easily angered, self-absorbed, and unable to show enthusiasm for anything. Nonetheless, try not to criticize or make fun of the impaired child’s deficits. This is sure to make the child feel frustrated, angry, or embarrassed.

In some cases, neurological damage after a head injury may cause emotional volatility (intense mood swings or extreme reactions to everyday situations). Such overreactions could be sudden tears, angry outbursts, or laughter. It is important to understand that the child has lost some degree of control over emotional responses. The key to handling lability is recognizing that the behavior is unintentional. Parents should model calm behavior and try not to provoke further stress by being overly critical. Help the child recognize when his/her emotional responses are under control and support/reinforce techniques that work.

Provided a situation does not present a physical threat, various approaches may be used to diffuse hostile behavior:

• Coping with behavior problems after a head injury requires identification and acknowledgment of the impaired child’s deficits. A comprehensive neuro-psychological assessment is recommended. This may help both the survivor and the family to better understand neurological and cognitive deficits.

• Do not challenge or confront the child. Rather, negotiate (e.g., if you don’t like what’s planned for dinner tonight, how about choosing Friday’s menu?).

• Help cue the child to recognize thoughtlessness. Remind him/her to practice polite behavior. Realize that awareness of other people's feelings may have to be relearned.

• Help the child regain a sense of control by asking if there is anything that would help him/her feel better.

• In some cases, it may be easier for the family caregiver to recognize personality changes than to resolve the problem behavior. Targeted strategies may be used to deal with specific behavioral issues.

• Isolate the disruptive impaired child. Consider you own safety and his/hers. Treat each incident as an isolated occurrence as the survivor may not remember having acted this way before or may need to be prompted to remember. Try to establish consistent, non-confrontational responses from all family members (children may need to learn some “dos” and “don’ts” in reacting to the survivor).

• It is critical that family members seek and receive support (family, friends, support group, counselor) in dealing with their own emotional responses to caring for a head injured loved one.

• Offer alternative ways to express anger (e.g., a punching bag, a gripe list).

• Remain as calm as you can; ignore the behavior.

• Seek support for yourself as a caregiver. Support groups, professional counselors, and, if necessary, protective services or law enforcement may be contacted.

• The child who has survived a head injury may lack empathy. That is, some head injury survivors have difficulty seeing things through someone else's eyes. The result can be thoughtless or hurtful remarks or unreasonable, demanding requests. This behavior stems from a lack of abstract thinking.

• Try to change the child’s mood by agreeing with the child (if appropriate) and thus avoiding an argument. Show extra affection and support to address underlying frustrations.

• Try to understand the source of the anger. Is there a way to address the child’s need/frustration? (e.g., make a phone call, choose an alternative activity).

• Validate the emotion by identifying the feelings and letting the child know these feelings are legitimate. Frustration over the loss of functional and/or cognitive abilities can reasonably provoke anger.

Good luck,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents