The Effect of Rage on Families

Family ties are one of the strongest contributors to individual character development. Many of us spend years trying to understand, erase, or copy the influence of our family unit. When Rage is part of a family's tradition, it spreads itself much like a virus to future generations. The wider the spread, the more difficult the Rage is to contain.

The effect of Rage in families is usually apparent in the way that members relate with one another. Our earliest experiences communicating and relating to others occurs within the family. Patterns of Rage in relationships are then taken and recreated in later relationships outside the family. Thankfully, a committed, well-designed treatment plan can repair the damage of having been raised in an hostile family system.

Rage in Relationships—

Rage is one of the most common negative patterns in relationships. Couples sometimes report that it is their Rage that makes the relationship feel alive. Rage takes root in insecure relationships where open communication is absent and the emotion of love is buried beneath years of Resentment. There is typically hopelessness in the present and doubt about the future in these relationships. The good news is that individuals committed to improving their relationships through the hard work of therapy are generally rewarded with a renewed sense of hope. Here are some tips on how to limit Rage producing interactions in your relationships:

1. Always consider individual or family therapy in instances where your Rage feels out of control and/or mysterious.
2. Ask yourself if you have legitimate assumptions about the intentions of others.
3. Before feeling attacked or hurt, make an attempt to give others the benefit of the doubt, especially if you have nothing to lose by doing so.
4. Explore your participation in relationships that repeatedly bring out the worst in you.
5. Keep the lines of communication open. When you feel Resentment building, see if you can journal your feelings and then share your thoughts with a loved one.
6. When you have Rage toward another person, start with an internal check of your own emotional state. Ask yourself why you feel the way you do.

How Do I Know If My Family or Loved One Has a Rage Problem?

Hostile individuals are, in most instances, very aware of their problems in controlling Rage. Unfortunately, too many come to accept their Rage as an unchangeable part of who they are and feel hopeless to change. If you feel that you or a loved one may have an Rage disorder, look for several of the following symptoms happening in your life on a regular basis:

1. Becoming more hostile than is appropriate in regard to mild frustration or irritation.
2. Family and/or friends approach you with the concern that you need help managing your Rage.
3. Having chronic physical symptoms such as high blood pressure, gastrointestinal, difficulties, or anxiety.
4. Having feelings of guilt or regret over something that you have said or done in a fit of Rage.
5. Repeated social conflict as a result of Rage outbursts (law suits, fights, property damage, school suspensions, etc.).

Where to Get Help for My Rage—

Fortunately, the mental health profession has been responsive to individuals seeking treatment for help with Rage. Referrals to treatment programs and services are often available and mandated for those individuals suffering moderate to severe social conflict. Many chronically hostile individuals feel shame and guilt about their Rage. There may be times when a friend or loved one may need to request help or plan an intervention for the hostile individual. In such instances, it is critical to take advantage of mental health professionals with a background in Rage management training.

What Kind of Help Will I Get for My Rage?

An effective Rage management plan can include individual or family therapies, which are some of the more common ways people attempt to deal with chronic Rage.

Individual Therapy—

Individual therapy, which explores the root of hostile feelings and behavior, is traditionally a safer, more secure option to working with the entire hostile family at once. Treatment with individuals helps facilitate a thorough focus on the most important emotions beneath the individual's Rage.

Family Therapy—

Family therapy is a powerful way of repairing the damaging effect of long-term Rage interactions. Over time, chronic Rage drives a wedge between family members, resulting in the members becoming disconnected from one another, or overly involved with one another in an unhealthy manner. Therapy would consider each member's role in the Rage interactions, versus assuming any single member is responsible for the family's Rage.

How Marriage and Family Therapy Helps Control Rage—

More often than not, chronic Rage has a lengthy, definable history. Marriage and family therapists are trained experts in identifying Rage patterns that pass from one generation to the next. Identifying these patterns helps to explore individuals' learned perceptions about the appropriateness of Rage expression and suppression. Encouraging a parent to share how emotions were expressed in his or her immediate family allows other family members to understand the family's inherited concepts about Rage.

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Son Won't Poop In Toilet

"I need information on how to potty training my son. He will soon be five years old. 99% of the time he will use the toilet to urinate. But he will not use the toilet to have a bowel movement. He said he doesn’t want to. I have started taking his toys away from him and trying not to spank him. I am raising my son all by myself. His father hasn't been in his life since he was a baby. My son father wasn't potty trained until he was four and he was very strong will also. I do not have enough emotion support and I have not been very social. These issues could be major factors that have lead to his potty training problems. Please send me any advice you have on this situation"

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Your child obviously has bowel control and is very close to being completely potty trained. However, he is uncomfortable sitting on the potty and going number 2, which probably relates to constipation. Sometime in the past when he was potty training, he took a hard poop in the toilet or potty – but he thinks the “hard poop” is related to sitting on the potty and not his diet at the time. His diaper brought him comfort and allowed him to stand in a private place and bear-down when he was ready to poop.

Here’s a 10-step plan:

1. Talk to your child about pooping in the potty but NOT when he needs to go poop. Ask him why he doesn't like to poop in the potty. Tell him that everybody poops in the potty …mommy, daddy, etc. Explain what constipation is and why it happens.

2. Tell your child that he cannot use diapers – so he needs to learn to poop in the potty. Keep conversation light and remind him your there to help him. Don't create urgency and don't create pressure.

3. Pay attention to what you are feeding him and give him lots of stool-softening foods, such as whole-grain breads and cereals, fiber-rich fruit and vegetables, and plenty of water to wash it all down. Limit food-binders that make the poop hard (e.g., too much apple, too much chocolate, etc.).

4. When he is on the potty or toilet, ensure there is plenty of support for his feet and buttocks, because sitting properly on the potty supports the muscles in his abdomen to help him with pushing. He needs a good fitting potty where he can plant his feet firmly on the floor. If he is using the toilet, get a potty seat insert so that he feels safe and is stable – it will prevent him from falling in the bowl. And don't forget to put a stool under his feet for support.

5. Get your child to lean forward as much as possible while sitting on the potty. This will help to open up and relax the pelvic floor muscles which must occur every time you pass a bowel movement.

6. It could also be that your son has gotten into the habit of a bad routine. So when he needs to poop, he goes in his underpants, or you give him a diaper, and the circle keeps going around. You need to wean him away from the bad habit of pooping his underpants or soiling his diaper by establishing a new bowel movement routine that involves the potty or toilet. Rather than yelling at him for pooping in his underpants or giving in to his request for a diaper, invite him to use the potty in a positive way at that targets the time of day he usually goes number 2 – then give positive reinforcement by praising him for trying or when he has success.

7. If your child is afraid of the toilet, take him into the toilet… put the seat cover down… put him on your lap …and read a book. Flush intermittently to get him used to the noise

8. If you have not had him to a medical doctor, do so to rule out a physical reason. Often soiling is due to emotional reasons. You do not want this to develop into a power struggle with your son. If it turns into a power struggle with him, you will really have problems on your hands.

9. If you have tried many things to remedy the problem – but nothing works, you may want to seek out the help of a child psychologist. Your insurance plan can help you find one – or contact your local university psychology department.

10. This problem requires a great deal of love and gentleness on your part. I would not require him to clean himself up. Don’t punish this “behavior.” He is doing the best he can, and anything that involves shame or force will only back fire.

Mark

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How do I know if my son has an emotional disability?

RE: "How do I know if my son has an emotional disability?"

Here's a check list of sorts:

• Ask your son if something has happened to him. Children sometimes act out in an attempt to draw attention to a problem they are having and are afraid of discussing.

• Ask your son's teacher if problems have occurred in the classroom and what things you can do to help your son at home.

• Beware of changes in environment or life events that may alter your son's behavior. Sometimes moving to a new town or school can cause a son to act out aggressively or overly emotionally in an attempt to adjust to the change.

• Have your son professionally tested if you think your son has an emotional disability or if behavioral problems are creating academic, social or other problems for your son.

• Look for emotional cues. Does your son pretend to be physically ill when confronted with a school event or a social situation? Does your son have excessive fear or anxiety associated with certain activities? Does your son cry excessively over seemingly little things?

• Look for patterns of aggressive behavior lasting six months or longer. Does your son consistently bully others or use aggressive force with other children or animals? Does your son initiate fights?

• Set rules. Look for major infractions of rules such as truancy or running away with older children. With younger children, look for consistently breaking rules, aggression toward siblings, stealing and lying.

• Talk openly with your son about the behavior that concerns you. Explain that you are concerned and want to make changes. Be specific and nonjudgmental.

• Watch your son in social peer situations. Is your son withdrawn or rejected by other children? Does your son dominate play, causing other children to not want to play?

• Watch your son when playing independently. Does your son act violently toward toys and inanimate objects? Is your son self-destructive? Does your son seem depressed or uninterested in activity? Does your son cry or become frustrated easily?

The above items will give you some indication as to whether or not he may have an emotional disability.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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