Helping Older Teens with Making Plans to Move Out

"We are trying to make sure we have a plan in place now in case our daughter decides not to go back to school (Gr. 12). At first we had thought we would tell her if she wasn't going to school, she would have to work more hours so she can pay us rent. We have now decided that probably wouldn't work as we would never be able to get the $$ out of her and it would be a real hassle. We like your idea of "helping" her to move out. We just want to know how to go about that. Obviously, she doesn't have any $$ to move out as she would need rent $$, damage deposit, etc. She can never save enough to come up with that....could take months and we are not willing to wait that long if she is not attending school. She has absolutely no clue as to what it would mean to live on her own. We do worry about that as we don't want anything to happen to her. We do want to get this process started though as soon as possible because we do feel she will not follow through with school. We need her to realize if she wants to be independent, she has to accept the responsibility that comes along with that."

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First…

Assess the situation as objectively as possible. As a parent, you might have mixed feelings about encouraging your youngster to move out. On one hand, you might enjoy the company, or you don't want him to struggle on his or her own, or you don't want to feel like you're "kicking" anyone out. On the other hand, perhaps you sense that your youngster is not pulling his own weight, and if you don't take action he might never become self-sufficient. It's important to sort through all of these feelings before you talk to your youngster.

Make a list of the reasons you want your youngster to move out. Be honest-- confront any ways in which having your youngster live at home makes you feel uncomfortable, and don't allow guilt to make you bite your tongue. Some reasons are obvious, such as if your youngster blatantly disrespects your privacy or belongings. Some reasons are subtle and somewhat personal and embarrassing, like overhearing your youngster with his lover(s), or the fact that you seem to be the one who ends up doing his laundry.

Consider whether there is a real reason your youngster cannot live on his own. Sometimes a mom/dad is reluctant to push a youngster out of the house if they believe the youngster simply doesn't have the resources to live independently. In most cases, however, the youngster is perfectly capable of being independent, but it will require some downgrading -- like moving from a house to a barebones apartment with roommates. If you determine this is the case, recognize that by allowing your youngster to stay, you're catering to his comfort, not to real circumstances.

Show a united front. It's very common for one parent to want a youngster to move out and the other parent to be resistant to the idea. But before you can nudge your youngster towards independence, you've got to be on the same page.

Second…

Ask your youngster if he wants to move out. This is a simple question, but will reveal a lot about why the youngster is still living at home. Usually the answer will be something like "Yeah, of course, but..." followed by a list of reasons why it just can't happen at the moment. Evaluate those reasons objectively, keeping in mind that there are probably other reasons --real reasons - that your youngster hasn't verbalized, such as that she enjoys having you to do his laundry, or being able to use your car without having to make car or insurance payments, etc. What you want to do is address the verbalized reasons (which, in many cases - but not all - are excuses) one by one, with facts:

"I'm looking for a job." Is that true, really? How often is she checking classifieds and job sites? In the meantime, is she volunteering so that she can make contacts, and can account for any gaps in his resume? Is she looking for "a" job or "the" (perfect) job? Is she unwilling to work a minimum wage job until she finds something better?

"I can't afford a place." Is it that your youngster can't afford a place, or that he can't afford a place as comfortable as your place? Maybe he can't afford a place in your neighborhood and there's a reason for that; living in a nice neighborhood is one of the rewards of having a successful career. Look around: Where do other young adults live? Does your youngster feel like he's "too good" to live there? Do you feel like he's "too good" to live there?

"I want to save up for a house, car, grad school, etc." This is probably the most legitimate reason to stick around at home, but only if your youngster is accountable to it. How much does she actually have saved up? What is the ultimate goal? Is she consistently putting money away, or do his savings patterns depend on how many good movies or video games are out that week? If she can prove that saving money is a priority for him, it's all good. But don't just take your kid's word for it. If that's the reason for staying home and getting a free ride, you're entitled to see pay stubs and bank statements, just like financial aid offices are entitled to see tax forms before they provide financial assistance.

Third…

Treat your youngster like a person renting a room. It may be hard to remember sometimes, but adult kids living at home are still adults. A sure way to set yourself up for conflict is to over-parent your adult kids (removing video game consoles, preventing them from having guests in their room, asking them to do chores). Adult kids living at home who are over-parented and over-supervised will rebel as quickly as teenagers. Not only that, but by continuing to attempt to parent them as if they were still kids, you are infantilizing them - they will not develop the skills needed in the outside world. So you need to develop some strategies to establish a new adult-to-adult relationship. Step outside of your role as a mom/dad and treat your youngster as if he were a stranger renting a room in your home. Not only will this make your youngster less comfortable with living in your home, but it will also prepare him for renting a room somewhere else.

Collect rent. Check the local classifieds to see what people are charging for rooms in your area. Set a monthly deadline and enforce it. If your youngster is late with payment, there will be a late fee. If the rent is not paid, you must firmly insist that the youngster may no longer live there.

Lay down rules about noise. Most apartments have "quiet times" that begin around 11pm and end around 7am. Make it very clear that you don't want to hear any noise from them during these times - no loud TV or music, no audible laughing, talking, or guests, etc. Lay out the consequences for "noise violations" such as more than 2 noise violations a month results in a rent hike.

Consider not providing meals. Would you feed and clean up after someone renting a room? Most people simply allow the renter access to their kitchen. The renter still has to buy and cook their own food. Your youngster may complain that he can't cook, or doesn't have time to cook, but many a young adult throughout modern civilization has gotten by on TV dinners and Ramen noodles for a few years in their lives. If you're concerned about nutrition, give your kid a bottle of multivitamins.

Set standards for cleanliness. Since this is an adult you're dealing with, let his room be a private domain. Generally, if you can't smell it from the hallway, it's none of your business. But, make it clear that he is responsible for cleaning after him/herself throughout the rest of the house - cleaning dishes, doing laundry, putting garbage in the garbage can, etc. This is a difficult standard to enforce, but there are ways. For example, if laundry or garbage is left laying around, pick it up and put it right in front of the kid's door, so that it builds up and makes it difficult for him to enter and exit the room.

Grant her some privacy. Do not go into that room unless the smell is unacceptable. If it's messy, shut the door and leave it be. That room belongs to another adult, and it's none of your business what's going on in there. If you're asking for rent and it's being paid, as long as reasonable quiet time and cleanliness rules are being followed, you really should not intrude. If you are granting the room, and your youngster is following your rules for living in your home, you should not be picking at her, and you should not be sticking your nose into his living space.

Fourth…

Be firm. This is the most difficult part. If you've done a comprehensive job of laying out the rules and specifying consequences, it's essential to follow through. You have to know under what circumstances you'd be ready to pack up your youngster's stuff, put it on the front lawn, hand him or her a list of local rooms for rent, and change the locks. If you can't imagine yourself doing this under any circumstances, you should accept that your youngster will live with you on his or her terms, not yours.

Remember that sheltering your adult kids from the harsh reality of life isn't helping her. Your job as a mom/dad is to teach your kids how to become independent adults who can survive and thrive on their own. Your love and sympathy won't help them when you're gone. Remember the Chinese proverb: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." And remember that, far from helping your youngster, you are robbing your youngster of the sense of pride and accomplishment he will get from navigating the difficulties of life without your help. Getting a job and living independent of you doesn't only benefit you - it benefits your kid. You can always lend a hand with a little extra cash, plus sympathy, love and understanding, if times get too rough and your kid cannot seem to keep his head above the water. But letting her struggle a bit is great for building character and helping her learn to be strong on his own.

Scrutinize your youngster's excuses, and understand his motivations. Instead of listening to what your youngster is saying, pay attention to his actions. There is the clarity. For example, your youngster may be arranging lots of job interviews, but not getting hired. What could be happening here is that setting up interviews may be the end goal to your youngster, because it keeps you satisfied. However, once there, she is not doing his very best at interviews because she doesn't feel pressured to actually get the job. She has the luxury of waiting for the "perfect" job opportunity to roll around, and that may never happen (or by the time it does, she'll have so little experience that she won't have a shot!).

You're not the only one struggling with these issues. Kids who come back home as adults are called "mammoni", or "mama's boys" in Italy; "parasaito shinguru", or "parasite singles" in Japan; "boomerangs" or "twixters" in the US; "KIPPERS" (short for "kids in parents' pockets eroding retirement savings") in the UK; and "Hotel Mama" in Germany. There are moms and dads across the world who will identify with your struggle to give tough love. Seek their support and advice.

Additional Tips—

• If you can afford it, a very nice thing that some moms and dads do is to collect rent from their adult kids, take a small portion to help with household expenses, but put the great majority of the money in a special account. When the youngster either volunteers to move, or the parent asks him to move out, the moms and dads present the adult youngster with the money stockpiled from rent payments. This helps with down payments/move-in fees like first and last month's rent, and the like. Generally this is most successful if the youngster has no idea that the moms and dads plan to do this until the gift of the cash is presented. It's really best if the youngster believes that rent money is simply his obligation to pay and that you expect it on time each month - any landlord expects the same.

• A more extreme measure is to move. Some moms and dads retire to a more remote, relaxed location where their adult kids won't have much fun, or where people under retiring age aren't allowed. You could also downsize your home, and explain to your youngster that you need to save money for retirement, that there's not enough room for them in the smaller home/apartment.

• Before deciding to kick your adult kids out of the house, listen to your adult kids's point of view and let them know the reasons for your opinions. Real adults are willing to listen to other adults to solve problems. Perhaps you and your kids can work something out.

• On the other hand, remember that your home was bought with your efforts and your money. You are under no obligation to "work something out" with your adult kids. If you simply want to enjoy your home without your kids in it, that is your right, of course. It is simply suggested that all parties show some compassion to the others involved in the interest of maintaining a good family relationship.

Warnings—

• Be sure that your youngster is not suffering from some mental illness, such as depression. These illnesses can be debilitating. You may need to help them get them help. Although once a youngster reaches the age of majority (is no longer a minor), you have no obligation to him or her, denying that there is an actual illness working in this type of situation is irresponsible and potentially harmful to your youngster.

• Before going so far as to change locks, remove belongings, etc, understand your local laws regarding the eviction of tenants. Even though they are family and may not be paying rent, many places have eviction laws that may apply and must be followed.

• If your youngster is stubborn and used to being babied, things will get worse before they get better.

• Remember that the economy is very difficult right now. Jobs can be scarce and low paying, but housing and living expenses are high. Be reasonable in your expectations.

==> Online Parent Support: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens

Kids and Cell Phones

Unlike other parenting problems, most of us can't really think back to our own childhood to see how our moms and dads handled this issue. After all, cell phones weren't around when most of us were children.

For many moms and dads, a cell phone just seems like something else that their children will nag them about getting, such as an iPod, Xbox, Wii, or new laptop.

Teens and preteens likely see the cell phone issue differently, imagining that getting a cell phone is a step towards independence and a status symbol among their friends.

One very good reason to get your children a cell phone is that it lets you stay in touch with them at almost all times. In addition to being practical, like when a gymnastics lesson or baseball practice lets out early, having a cell phone can help you easily get in touch with your children in case of an emergency. This extra sense of security and safety that a cell phone providers is probably the key reason that moms and dads should even consider getting their younger kids a cell phone.

And in the case of a real tragedy, like a school shooting or terrorist attack, a cell phone can be your only lifeline to your children.

A cell phone can also be an important way to keep in touch with your older teen, especially if they are driving. And if you get a phone with GPS, a cell phone can help you figure out where your teen is at all times.

Security, safety, and convenience are really the main reasons to consider getting your youngster a cell phone, but other weaker arguments might include that a cell phone can:

• teach your children to be responsible as they learn to care for their phone, avoid losing it, and stay within their cell phone plan's voice, data, and texting minutes
• help your children keep up with friends who have cell phones, although giving in to peer pressure isn't really a positive thing

Although the added safety a cell phone offers is nice, consider that most of the younger children that cell phone companies are targeting, especially preteens between the ages of 8 and 11 or 12, shouldn't really be alone anyway. In most situations, your youngster will be able to use a regular phone or the cell phone of whichever adult is supervising them.

Other good reasons to delay getting a cell phone until your children are a little older, leaving out a discussion of possible and controversial health hazards from radiation, can include:

Cell phones can be expensive. Once you get away from a basic plan, you can be hit with extra charges for going over your minutes, sending text messages, buying ringtones, and using the internet. Even with fees for text messages as low as 10 cents each, that can quickly add up if you have an average kid that sends 10 to 20 text messages a day. And that doesn't include the cost of a replacement phone if your children lose their phone.

Other charges can include:

• 1 cent per kilobyte for using the internet on your phone
• about $.99 to $2.50 for a ringtones
• downloadable games for about $.99 to $3.99 each
• up to 45 cents a minute for additional minutes over your rate plan

Although the increased independence that a cell phone might offer a youngster can be good, it can also be a negative thing. Consider that with a cell phone, your youngster will simply have another way to communicate with the outside world that you will have little supervision over.

A cell phone also gives the outside world another way to communicate with your youngster. A sex offender, as they do in chat rooms, could hide behind the anonymity of text messaging and 'talk' to your youngster.

And keep in mind that most of today's cell phones offer almost complete internet access, with web browsing, email, chat, and instant messaging, that is much harder to filter and control as compared to your home computer.

Cell phones may even be a distraction to children. We all know that they are a distraction for drivers, but one study has also shown that cell phones can be a big distraction for children crossing the street and could lead to more accidents and injuries.

Cell phones also put your youngster at risk for getting in trouble for:

• prank calls - which can get your youngster in trouble if someone starts pranking other people from your youngster's phone
• sexting - sending or receiving nude pictures or classmates

Where It Stands—

Depending on who you ask, cell phone for children might be considered:

• a fad
• a luxury
• a necessity
• an invasion

Whether or not your youngster is ready for or needs a cell phone is something a mom/dad will have to decide for themselves. Do make sure that your youngster can handle the responsibility for a cell phone though, before you buy one.

Other things to consider when getting your younger youngster a cell phone include:

• a pre-paid plan with a limited number of minutes so that you won't be faced with a lot of extra charges
• get one with a GPS tracker so that you can easily find your youngster when you need to (this is probably the only reason that I would even consider getting a cell phone for my children right now)
• have a discussion of some of the more serious cell phone issues, such as the dangers of driving while talking on a cell phone, cyber-bullying, cell phone etiquette, and following rules for cell phone use at school
• only giving the phone to your youngster when he really needs it, like during a trip to the mall or other time when he might not be near a regular phone
• the ability to put strict limits on what the phone can do, including being able to turn off web access and text messaging. Some phone also let you limit who can call the phone and who your youngster can call using the cell phone.

Currently, the ideal phone for younger children that includes many of these guidelines is from Firefly Wireless. It includes prepaid minutes, a PIN encoded phone book, and call screening, so that you can restrict calls to and from the phone. And it doesn't include internet access. The only downsides are that it doesn't include GPS, its coverage area is somewhat limited, and at 25 cents per minute for domestic calls, it is a little more expensive than a plan that you might get from a bigger carrier, such as AT&T, Verizon, or Sprint.

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"Back To School" Problems

Last month, I invited readers to email me with their “#1 concern” for their child in the upcoming school year. I responded to each inquiry with suggestions. Overwhelmingly, the top concern was unmotivated children (thus, the topic of this article).

What’s on the minds of moms and dads as the school year approaches and kicks off?

Concerns and expected problems with school:

• Bullying behavior, from both sides of the fence.
• Homework problems: teaching kids to bring it home, do it, hand it in on time and not hate it.
• How to get kids out of bed in the morning.
• Paying attention and behaving in class.
• Unmotivated children.

Here are some suggestions for a reader who’s concerned about her son’s classroom behavior and his ongoing refusal to bring home assignments and do homework:

We are so often presented with issues surrounding school, homework and academic performance, and we understand how this can become a family struggle.

Your son’s job is to go to school and make grades. The household privilege the youngster enjoys is their “pay” for doing their job. The ability to enjoy television time, time playing with friends, games or other things is dependent upon them performing their “job” on a day-to-day basis.

If you must use loss of privilege as a consequence for failing to meet the goal on a particular day, make the consequence for that day only. Incorporate development of a strategy for doing and turning in homework. Have your son make a commitment to use the strategy the next day, and make that part of the plan. In this regard, you become your child’s “coach” in learning how to be more successful at this and their “cheerleader” when they succeed.

If you know that your child is capable of performing at a higher level academically, we have to look at setting up an organizational plan for the upcoming school year. This may require your and his teachers’ involvement as well as setting up a reward system. This may feel a bit juvenile to you, but remember that it is a temporary thing and you are simply coaching and supporting your child in achieving goals.

It may be helpful for you to have a sign-off sheet that his teacher can quickly initial when your child hands in homework. If you are able to track homework sent home and homework passed in and are willing to follow up with your son every day, you can provide a reward for a certain number of check marks or initials, indicating his successful follow through. Discuss in advance a reward that is reasonable to you and one that your child is willing to work toward.

Very often we have to modify, re-evaluate and reassess goals, and that's okay. The goal is to work with the youngster where they are and move forward. Sometimes children are able to make leaps and gains quickly; other times we may find that we have to exercise every bit of patience and consistency that we have as parents to help the youngster even make a baby step.

In response to one parent’s question on getting her child out of bed in the morning, I offered this advice:

Part of the solution for making early mornings stress-free starts the night before. Using the Online Parent Support approach of "consequences," preparation can be made the night before to avoid lots of last minute decisions…In other words, clothes laid out, breakfast choices made, etc. These tasks could be done the night before, prior to watching TV, going online, etc. are allowed.

The same businesslike approach can be used for waking up in the morning. That is, during a family meeting, inform the youngster what should be arranged the night before. In the same way, getting up when the alarm rings should be followed by a privilege somewhere during that day.

An example might be: If your kid gets up when the alarm rings, they can have breakfast made for them, rather than making their own…OR they can expect to get a ride to school instead of taking the bus. If these scenarios are not practical, how about a privilege such as letting your kid go online for 5 minutes before school if he or she gets up when the alarm rings?

Remember, though, it’s not so much about the perfect consequence. It’s about ending the power struggle. And the more businesslike you are in the morning (even though that’s tough!) the better role model you’ll be for starting the day off in a more positive way.

I had this suggestion for the parent of a teenager who won’t get up in the morning:

Online Parent Support teaches that a good place to start would be to sit down with your son and identify any behaviors or situations that interfere with his success. For example, is he sending text messages to his friends all night? Identifying obstacles will not only help your youngster, but allow you to set up limits as needed. Encourage him to avoid certain pitfalls and help him devise a strategy that will work better.

For instance, you can say, “Since texting your friends all night seems to make it hard for you to get up in the morning, no texting past 10pm.” Make sure that you let your kid know it is his responsibility to get up on time for his job and don't get discouraged if you don't achieve success right away. It usually takes repeating the process of coming up with a plan, putting it to use and then looking at what might need to change for the next time around.

To a parent who is worried about her son being bullied again this year in elementary school, I wrote:

It’s going to be important to review this problem with the school. When you do, get a contact or resource person that your son can use to help him at school when he is encountering this problem. Online Parent Support would encourage you to teach him a specific method for walking away from the kids who are bullying him and getting help with this from his teachers. This is a strategy that may need to be practiced several times at home and with his resource person at school before he’ll become comfortable implementing it himself.

One other thing that you’ll need to teach him is that just because the other children are saying hurtful things, it doesn’t make them true. You’ll need to reinforce those qualities about him that make him unique and special so that he has a strong enough ego to withstand these hurtful, mean encounters with other kids.

It is important that he sees that he has a way out of these situations so that he doesn’t shut down. It is important that you praise and reward him when he handles these situations appropriately.

On the flip side of this issue, we heard from parents who want help with teaching their children not to bully other kids for the sake of being “popular.” I offered this advice:

Moms and dads can make “family rules” about most subjects, and this could apply to cliques and bullying. Parents might think about what their values are in terms of being kind to others. Is it as important to you as other issues in your family, such as housework, being polite, etc.? If so, you might tell your children how you feel. You might even have consequences if you find out they have been unkind to others.

You could be “business-like” about this issue. In other words, you could say something like: “We all want to be popular. However, in this family we want to value some things as being more important than popularity. That means we won’t allow bullying or being friends with people who do bully. If you feel pressure to do it, come to us and we’ll find an alternative response for you to use instead of being unkind.”

Thanks to all the subscribers who emailed me with questions. I will be offering more of these interactive features in future issues.

I wish you and your child success in the upcoming school year.