How To Help Your Older Teen Move Out

Question

I wanted to ask how you suggest we help our daughter move out on her own. She is in her last semester of grade 12 but not putting forward any effort, in fact skipped school all day today I found out. She has life way to easy here at home and I am sick and tired of the way she acts. I feel that she should be out on her own now. She needs a huge reality check. I had hoped to be able to continue with her at home until the end of June at which time she would have hopefully graduated. Unfortunately, with the way things are going, I don't think we can do it. I know this means she will probably quit school as she will need to earn some money to live, but maybe she will appreciate things if she has to do it on her own.

Answer

If you've decided it's time for your daughter to leave the nest, but she refuses to spread her wings, here's what to do:

1. Assess the situation as objectively as possible. As a mother, you might have mixed feelings about encouraging your daughter to move out. On one hand, you might enjoy the company, or you don't want her to struggle on her own, or you don't want to feel like you're "kicking" anyone out. On the other hand, perhaps you sense that your daughter is not pulling her own weight, and if you don't take action she might never become self-sufficient. It's important to sort through all of these feelings before you talk to your daughter.

Here’s how:

• Show a united front. It's very common for one parent to want a youngster to move out and the other parent to be resistant to the idea. But before you can nudge your daughter towards independence, you've got to be on the same page.

• Consider whether there is a real reason your daughter can’t live out in the real world. Sometimes a parent is reluctant to push a youngster out of the house if they believe the youngster simply doesn't have the resources to live independently. In most cases, however, the youngster is perfectly capable of being independent, but it will require some downgrading -- like moving from a house to a barebones apartment with roommates. If you determine this is the case, recognize that by allowing your daughter to stay, you're catering to her comfort, not to real circumstances.

• Make a list of the reasons you want your daughter to move out. Be honest-- confront any ways in which having your daughter live at home makes you feel uncomfortable, and don't allow guilt to make you bite your tongue. Some reasons are obvious, such as if your daughter blatantly disrespects your privacy or belongings. Some reasons are subtle and somewhat personal and embarrassing, like overhearing your daughter with her lover(s), or the fact that you seem to be the one who ends up doing her laundry.

2. Ask your daughter if she wants to move out. This is a simple question, but will reveal a lot about why the youngster is still living at home. Usually the answer will be something like "Yeah, of course, but..." followed by a list of reasons why it just can't happen at the moment. Evaluate those reasons objectively, keeping in mind that there are probably other reasons --real reasons - that your daughter hasn't verbalized, such as that she enjoys having you to do her laundry, or being able to use your car without having to make car or insurance payments, etc. What you want to do is address the verbalized reasons (which, in many cases - but not all - are excuses) one by one, with facts:

• "I can't afford a place." Is it that your daughter can't afford a place, or that she can't afford a place as comfortable as your place? Maybe she can't afford a place in your neighborhood and there's a reason for that; living in a nice neighborhood is one of the rewards of having a successful career. Look around: Where do other young people live? Does your daughter feel like she's "too good" to live there? Do you feel like she's "too good" to live there?

• "I want to save up for a house, car, grad school, etc." This is probably the most legitimate reason to stick around at home, but only if your daughter is accountable to it. How much does she actually have saved up? What is the ultimate goal? Is she consistently putting money away, or do her savings patterns depend on how many good movies or video games are out that week? If she can prove that saving money is a priority for her, it's all good. But don't just take your kid's word for it. If that's the reason for staying home and getting a free ride, you're entitled to see pay stubs and bank statements, just like financial aid offices are entitled to see tax forms before they provide financial assistance.

• "I'm looking for a job." Is that true, really? How often is she checking classifieds and job sites? In the meantime, is she volunteering so that she can make contacts, and can account for any gaps in her resume? Is she looking for "a" job or "the" (perfect) job? Is she unwilling to work a minimum wage job until she finds something better?

3. Treat your daughter like an individual who is renting a room. It may be hard to remember sometimes, but adult kids living at home are still grown-ups. A sure way to set yourself up for conflict is to over-parent your adult kids (removing video game consoles, preventing them from having guests in their room, asking them to do chores). Adult kids living at home who are over-parented and over-supervised will rebel as quickly as teens do. Not only that, but by continuing to attempt to parent them as if they were still kids, you are infantilizing them - they will not develop the skills needed in the outside world. So you need to develop some strategies to establish a new adult-to-adult relationship. Step outside of your role as a mother and treat your daughter as if she were a stranger renting a room in your home. Not only will this make your daughter less comfortable with living in your home, but it will also prepare her for renting a room somewhere else.

• Collect rent. Check the local classifieds to see what renters are charging for rooms in your area. Set a monthly deadline and enforce it. If your daughter is late with payment, there will be a late fee. If the rent is not paid, you must firmly insist that the youngster may no longer live there.

• Consider not providing meals. Would you feed and clean up after someone renting a room? Probably not! Most people simply allow the renter access to their kitchen. The renter still has to buy and cook their own food. Your daughter may complain that she can't cook, or doesn't have time to cook, but many young adults throughout modern civilization have gotten by on TV dinners and Ramen noodles for a few years in their lives. If you're concerned about nutrition, give your kid a bottle of multivitamins.

• Grant her some privacy. Do not go into that room unless the smell is unacceptable. If it's messy, shut the door and leave it alone. That room belongs to another adult, and it's none of your business what's going on in there. If you're asking for rent and it's being paid, as long as reasonable quiet time and cleanliness rules are being followed, you really should not intrude. If you are granting the room, and your daughter is following your rules for living in your home, you should not be picking at her, and you should not be sticking your nose into her living space.

• Lay down rules about noise. Most apartments have "quiet times" that begin around 11pm and end around 7am. Make it very clear that you don't want to hear any noise from them during these times - no loud TV or music, no audible laughing, talking, or guests, etc. Lay out the consequences for "noise violations" such as more than 2 noise violations a month results in a rent hike.

• Set standards for cleanliness. Since this is an adult you're dealing with, let her room be a private domain. Generally, if you can't smell it from the hallway, it's none of your business. But, make it clear that she is responsible for cleaning after herself throughout the rest of the house - cleaning dishes, doing laundry, putting garbage in the garbage can, etc. This is a difficult standard to enforce, but there are ways. For example, if laundry or garbage is left lying around, pick it up and put it right in front of the kid's door, so that it builds up and makes it difficult for her to enter and exit the room.

4. Be firm. This is the most difficult part. If you've done a comprehensive job of laying out the rules and specifying consequences, it's essential to follow through. You have to know under what circumstances you'd be ready to pack up your daughter's stuff, put it on the front lawn, hand her a list of local rooms for rent, and change the locks. If you can't imagine yourself doing this under any circumstances, you should accept that your daughter will live with you on her terms, not yours.

• You're not the only one struggling with this issue. There are moms and dads across the world that will identify with your struggle to give “tough love.” Seek their support and advice.

• Scrutinize your daughter's excuses, and understand her motivations. Instead of listening to what your daughter is saying, pay attention to her actions. There is the clarity. For example, your daughter may be arranging lots of job interviews, but not getting hired. What could be happening here is that setting up interviews may be the end goal to your daughter, because it keeps you satisfied. However, once there, she is not doing her very best at interviews because she doesn't feel pressured to actually get the job. She has the luxury of waiting for the "perfect" job opportunity to roll around, and that may never happen (or by the time it does, she'll have so little experience that she won't have a shot).

• Remember that sheltering your daughter from the harsh reality of life isn't helping her. Your job as a mother is to teach her how to become an independent adult who can survive and thrive on her own. Your love and sympathy won't help her when you're gone. Remember the Chinese proverb: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." And remember that, far from helping your daughter, you are robbing your daughter of the sense of pride and accomplishment she will get from navigating the difficulties of life without your help. Getting a job and living independent of you doesn't only benefit you - it benefits your daughter. You can always lend a hand with a little extra cash, plus sympathy, love and understanding, if times get too rough and she can’t seem to keep her head above the water. But letting her struggle a bit is great for building character and helping her learn to be strong on her own.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

GHB Abuse On The Rise Among Teens

Have you heard of GHB?

You may not have yet, but its use is increasing. Once limited to large warehouse scenes such as "raves," GHB is showing up at parties, perhaps in neighborhoods like yours. It gives the user a feeling of euphoria, that everything is fine. GHB, like alcohol, is a central nervous system depressant that takes only minutes to make a user lose control, forget what is happening, or lose consciousness. GHB is colorless, odorless, and has a slightly salty taste. The synthetic form of GHB contains some of the same ingredients as floor stripper and industrial cleaners.

GHB was first developed as a general anesthetic, but because it did not work very well to prevent pain, its use as an anesthetic declined. The observation that GHB may cause the release of growth hormone led some people, especially athletes and body-builders, to take it because they thought it would increase muscle development.

Before 1990, GHB was available as a dietary supplement, and as such was not regulated by the US Food and Drug Administration. In 1990, after numerous reports that GHB caused illness, the FDA began investigating the drug. It is now classified as an illegal substance.

GHB has been grouped with other drugs in the "date-rape drug" category such as Rohypnol, because it can be slipped easily into a drink and given to an unsuspecting victim, who often does not remember being assaulted. GHB is especially dangerous when combined with alcohol.

The same dose of GHB can have variable effects in different people. A dose that makes one person feel euphoric can make another person sick. The US Drug Enforcement Agency has linked GHB to 58 deaths since 1990 and there have been at least 5,700 overdoses recorded since then. Moreover, there are some reports that GHB can cause dependence. Treatment of GHB overdoses is difficult because it is difficult for emergency room doctors to detect the drug.

Here are some additional facts on GHB—

1. Different forms of GHB: An odorless, colorless liquid form; also white powder material.

2. How it's used: Swallowed (in liquid or powder form, which is mixed with water, or as tablets); usually ingested in a liquid mixture; most commonly mixed with alcohol.

3. How much GHB costs: GHB is usually sold by the capful, and sells for $5 to $25 per cap.

4. Some of the consequences of GHB use: In lower doses, GHB causes drowsiness, dizziness, nausea, and visual disturbances. At higher dosages, unconsciousness, seizures, severe respiratory depression, and coma can occur. Overdoses usually require emergency room treatment, including intensive care for respiratory depression and coma. GHB has been used in the commission of sexual assaults because it renders the victim incapable of resisting, and may cause memory problems that could complicate case prosecution.

5. Some other names for it: Liquid Ecstasy, G, Georgia homeboy, cups, Scoop, Easy Lay, Grievous Bodily Harm, Liquid X, and Goop.

6. What it does: GHB causes both a euphoric high (intense rush of happy feelings) and hallucinations. GHB has caused many young people to need emergency medical care. Because the liquid is odorless and colorless, GHB diluted in drinks is virtually undetectable and sometimes is slipped unknowingly into someone else's drinks. Side effects of GHB use include drowsiness, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, and vision changes. People who take GHB may become unconscious (pass out), stop breathing, and go into a coma. GHB use can kill. Because both GHB and alcohol are depressants, mixing the two is very, very dangerous and can be deadly — even if someone has only taken low doses of the drug. Because of its serious effects, GHB has necessitated emergency medical care for many young people and has killed more users than the drug Ecstasy.

7. What it is: GHB (gamma hydroxybutyrate) is a depressant that is usually available in the form of a clear liquid. It is known as a designer drug because it is made (usually in home basement labs) for the purposes of getting high. Like Ecstasy, GHB is popular with club-goers and those who go to "rave" parties, including teens and young adults. When mixed with alcohol, the drug produces a depressant effect that can cause a person to become unconscious and black out. As a result, GHB is often referred to as the date rape drug.

8. Who uses it: GHB has become popular among teens and young adults at dance clubs and “raves”. Body builders sometimes use GHB for its alleged anabolic effects.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When Your Child Hangs With The "Wrong Crowd"

Question

My 15-year-old son is constantly getting in trouble at school with a new friend. Before that friend came along, he was always so good. What should I do?

Answer

While your goal as a mother/father is to keep your son protected and safe, your son’s goal is to be with friends who like him.

Sometimes our perspectives might be a bit tainted when it comes to our kids. We tend to see ‘badness’ in others families – but not in our own. But adolescents do select friends. They’re not just simply influenced by their friends – they’re instrumental in deciding who to hang around. Maybe you didn't realize it, but if your youngster has befriended a trouble-maker, there were likely problems brewing before the friend ever came into the picture.

Few parents like their teenager’s friends – and some parents say, “It's not my teeanger …it’s those friends he hangs out with!” Maybe that's true, but the reason he hangs out with those friends is because he's similar to them. And while you're saying, “It's those other teenagers he hangs out with that’s the problem” …the other child’s parents are saying, “It's your child who’s the problem.”

So what can parents do?

Unless you have reason to believe your youngster’s activities are extremely dangerous, it’s probably wise not to forbid him from seeing the friend. Prohibiting your son from seeing this friend is an extreme measure, and taking it means you run the risk of it back-firing; it could make the friend even more attractive. You can't pick your son’s friends. In fact, if you criticize or attack his friends, you're really just making the relationship stronger. There are teens who like the fact that their parents don't approve of their friends – it adds to the intrigue of the relationship. Some moms and dads are also tempted to force their children to change schools to get away from a “bad” crowd. This tack only works if the adolescent also wants a fresh start. If not, he will simply find another negative crew.

Adolescents are developmentally at a place in their life where they're defending their peers. Your son’s natural urge is going to be to protect his friends, whether or not he knows you're right. Criticizing your son‘s friends is like criticizing an aspect of your son.

Sit down and try to have a calm discussion about what’s happening. You want to find out what’s going on with your youngster that’s driving him to hang out with a negative kid. This is really challenging. Moms and dads have a vested interest and the adolescent often gets defensive. But try to get the ball rolling by saying something like, "I’m concerned about what I see. I don’t understand what you’re doing and why." Start with the "issue" rather than the "friend." Talk about what you expect as a mother/father and why your expectations aren’t being met. If that doesn’t get you anywhere, then move the conversation to the friend in particular. Be honest with your youngster. Tell him that you’ve noticed changes since he started hanging around the friend. If there are some particulars about the friend’s behavior, it’s good to be fairly honest with that.

After you have the talk, wait. It’s not uncommon for adolescents to tell their moms and dads they’re crazy or that they’re not listening, but if you give them time to cool off and process what you’ve said, they often end up making reasonable decisions. Many children welcome help dealing with their friends even during the adolescent years and beyond. A significant number of moms and dads believe that once a youngster reaches adolescence, he knows enough to make his own decisions or that the peer group takes over. But that’s not necessarily true. Research has found that adolescents still want and need their parents to help. Moms and dads can be a counselor in friendships. They can help talk to their children about how they might work through and maintain friendships and the consequences of hanging around certain people.

If you know your son’s friends are engaging in behavior that isn’t in line with your values, then set some limits on how much time he spends with those friends. If his friends are breaking the law or doing things that are unhealthy, you can say, “Maybe they're your friends, but I'm not going to let you hang out with them.” You set the standard as the parent …you set the expectation. If your son doesn't meet it, at least he knew there were standards and expectations to begin with, and now he will have to face the consequences and be held accountable for his actions.

Peer influence peeks around age 14. By the time adolescents reach high school, they’ve developed a stronger sense of self and they’re not as desperate to fit in. So if you keep the dialogue open, and if the friend truly is a negative influence, there’s a good chance your youngster will see it for himself and find better things to do with his time very soon. And what he does with his time could be to hang out with peers who are positive influences. Friends tend to get blamed for bad behavior but rarely get credit for the opposite. Peers have a strong influence, but remember that can be for the better rather than worse.

Teens are going to make mistakes and they're going to make bad choices. The best we can do is guide them, set limits, project our view of what's right and wrong in the world and hold them accountable.

==> Parenting Strong-Willed, Out-of-Control Teens

How To Curtail Oppositional Defiant Behavior

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is a troublesome pattern of defiant, disobedient and hostile behavior in kids and teenagers, toward authority figures that continues for a period of at least six months. The base prevalence rate for ODD is somewhere between 1 and 16 percent, yet surveys from non-clinical samples range between 6 and10 percent. So, at minimum, 1 to 16 percent of kids and teens in school (or of school-age) has ODD. Also, the disorder most frequently appears in boys in multiple contexts, and manifests before the age of 8 years.

Behaviors included in ODD are:

• argues excessively with adults and authority figures

• blames others

• can be manipulative, spiteful and revenge-seeking

• does not take responsibility for behavior

• gets annoyed and angry easily

• intentionally annoys others

• intentionally defies and disobeys requests and questions rules

• is stubborn

• refuses to follow rules

The youngster may say hurtful or mean things when angry, with frequent temper tantrums. 50 to 65 percent of kids with ODD also have the comorbid diagnosis of ADHD.

A youngster with ODD can be a challenge to live with. You may fear that saying the slightest thing will set off a tantrum or lead to physical violence toward you or another family member. When you have a youngster with ODD, your daily life can become seriously disrupted. Leaving the youngster with a babysitter is often out of the question, so the moms and dads' social life is severely curtailed or ceases to exist altogether. It is not uncommon to dislike your ODD youngster, even though you still love him.

When asked to do something, the defiant youngster is likely to do the opposite and can be stubborn or argumentative. While this is true of all kids at times, the defiant youngster exhibits these behaviors more often than his peers. He may be resistant to change as well as being persistent and a perfectionist.

Here are 12 crucial tips for moms and dads who have ODD kids and/or teens:

1. Avoid physical punishment. Hitting a youngster who is angry often makes him angrier. If you remain calm and rational in the face of his anger, it sends the message that he can't push your buttons and incite you to match his rage.

2. Choose your battles, but fight the ones that are important. A youngster with ODD often knows you're walking on eggshells around him. He knows he controls the household with his tantrums. Standing your ground on certain issues will show him that his negative behavior will not always get him what he wants. Be determined to keep your cool, no matter how difficult it is.

3. Give praise where praise is due. When your youngster does something you have requested or excels at something, tell him you're proud of him. Reinforce the good behavior as strongly as you punish the negative.

4. Go to family therapy. A youngster who constantly pushes your buttons may be playing on your own codependency issues. Not only will therapy help you deal with these issues, it will show your youngster that you're serious about the need to improve his behavior and that you support him in doing so.

5. Identify sources of stress. An estimated 40 percent of kids with ADHD experience ODD. If undiagnosed in your youngster, ADHD can cause your youngster stress because he cannot concentrate and is often getting in trouble. You have to address the source of the stress---the ADHD symptoms---before turning to behavioral issues.

6. Model good behavior. You are your youngster's best role model---for this reason, you should make efforts to exhibit the behaviors you desire for your youngster to act out. Keep calm and make efforts to avoid disagreements, aggressive physical behavior and combativeness with your youngster. To continue to remain patient, you should always take some time for yourself each day. Taking a walk, reading a good book or meditating can help to clear your mind and re-energize you.

7. Seek outside support. Parenting a defiant youngster can be stressful for moms and dads. Because a defiant youngster can often be out of control and disobedient, he needs parents who are calm and nurturing. However, the behaviors of a defiant youngster can take a toll on his parents’ mental health and even their marriage. This stress can put moms and dads at odds with each other as they try to find effective parenting strategies. Parents may seek outside support and intervention. Counseling and therapy for both the parents and the youngster can provide guidance so that the family dynamic is more positive. The goal is to have the important people in the youngster's life feel strong and supported so that the youngster has the same set of rules, expectations and parenting strategies.

8. Set clear limits and consequences. Be consistent, and don't back down. This gives the youngster clear structure and boundaries.

9. When possible, spend unstructured time together. Defiance can be the result of stress in your youngster. Spending time doing an enjoyable activity together can reduce stress and be a positive influence in your youngster's life. Allow your youngster to select a favorite activity, and perform it together for 15 minutes each day. This helps your youngster to see you as a caring mother or father---not as a parent who is frustrated or upset with him.

10. Take time for yourself. Moms and dads of defiant kids can easily become frustrated, weary or angry at their youngster. Because your defiant youngster needs a nurturing, caring parent, these feelings can reduce your parenting effectiveness. For this reason, you should always take some time for yourself each day. Whether taking a nap, reading a favorite book or listening to music, these activities allow you to recapture a calm spirit and help you to better cope with your defiant youngster.

11. Use positive reinforcement. Positive reinforcement is valuable for your youngster because it rewards him for good behavior instead of punishing him for bad. This includes teaching your youngster the best way to behave at home and at school, and rewarding him with praise when he performs well. The praise should be such that he desires to continue modeling good behaviors. Explain specifically what your youngster did well and respond enthusiastically, which will enhance your youngster's self-esteem. When he does not model good behavior, use patience and remain calm when attempting to correct the behavior. Always explain the consequences your youngster will experience if he does not behave correctly. This can include a time-out or reducing a reward for the day.

12. Watch for triggers that may set off your oppositional and angry youngster. If you know that certain things bother him, head them off before they're presented. Moms and dads and teachers can watch carefully for the signs and causes of oppositional behavior to avoid the triggers in the future.

Though all kids have defiant moments, if there is a consistent pattern of defiant behavior that appears worse than other kids and affects your youngster's social or academic abilities, he may have ODD.

==> Parenting Oppositional Defiant Children and Teens

"Punishment" Creates Problems -- "Discipline" Resolves Problems

“Punishing” teenagers often creates more discipline problems than it solves. I define punishment as anything that causes blame, shame or pain. When moms and dads focus on blaming, shaming and causing pain to their teenager, his or her brain's limbic system reacts with intense defense. When a parent punishes teenagers, they don’t react with remorse and a “how can I make it better” attitude. Instead, they react with one of the "Four R’s", which leads to increased discipline problems.

Moms and dads use punishment because it “appears” to stop misbehavior immediately (and sometimes does). Sometimes we must beware of what works when the long-term results are negative. The long-term results of punishment are that children usually adopt one or all of the Four R’s of Punishment:

• Rebellion
• Resentment
• Retreat (avoiding contact/conversation with the parent)
• Revenge

When a teenager reacts with one or more of the "Four R’s", he is not focused on “life lessons” (e.g., making restitution, realizing how his actions affected others, learning how to repair damage, learning from mistakes, etc.). Instead of thinking about a mistake or misbehavior, the teenager is usually stewing with negative thoughts (e.g., “My parents are mean” or “How can I not get caught next time?”).

Many parents view typical “autonomy-seeking” (i.e., a teenager trying to be independent) as “teenage rebellion,” which is viewed by the parent as a discipline problem.

It is normal for a teenager to deliberately do the opposite of what her parents value most as a way to show that she is an individual. When moms and dads don’t understand the natural autonomy-seeking process, they take a teenager’s actions personally and react with strong punishments. Autonomy-seeking behavior may turn into all-out teenage rebellion if parents fan the flames of rebellion.

Not punishing teens does not mean that parents should instead be permissive. Parents should first allow time for both parties to cool off. Next, parents meet with their teenager and ask “what and how questions” (e.g., “What can you do to make up for me having to take the garbage to the street because you forgot?” … “How are you going to pay for this speeding ticket?” … “How are you going to pay for the increase in the car insurance?”) so that the teenager can problem solve how he will make restitution, pay for amends, or rectify the situation. Teenagers will learn more life lessons by “making up” for their mistakes than they will by being punished – blamed, shamed or caused pain.

The problem with punishing teenagers is that it doesn’t work in the long run to teach life lessons. Instead, punishment usually increases rebellion and doesn’t involve teenagers in solving problems and making amends for mistakes.

What is the difference between discipline and punishment?

Discipline means to “teach.” Discipline helps teenagers learn self-control and confidence. With discipline, parents use strategies to prevent problems plus guidance to manage conflict. Punishment is a parenting tool used after a problem surfaces.

Discipline means:

• Assisting the teenager to accept natural or logical consequences of the misbehavior.
• Focusing on what the teenager needs to do in the future.
• Helping the teenager develop self discipline and learn how to become responsible.
• Relating the strategies directly to the misbehavior.

Punishment:

• Consists of penalties or restrictions that often have nothing at all to do with the misbehavior.
• Focuses on what’s wrong instead of what needs to be done right.
• Is concerned with making the teenager “pay” for what she did wrong.
• Puts responsibility for enforcement on the mother or father instead of encouraging the teenager to become responsible for her actions.

Take the example of a teen skipping school regularly and “hanging out” at the mall in a nearby town. Possible punishments could include: revoking driving privileges, cutting off the teenager’s allowance, prohibiting phone use, grounding, banning TV and forbidding the teen to go to the mall.

There are several possible discipline strategies. Parents need to listen to the teenager’s feelings and concerns about school. Together, parent and child discuss options for addressing the problem. Parents, teen and teachers could meet to figure out what needs to be done about missed classes. That doesn’t mean there won’t be some privileges taken away for a time, but that alone would do nothing to solve the core problem.

Moms and dads can also use the if/then parenting tool. This means helping the teen understand that if he attends school and completes the work, then other privileges will be available (e.g., being able to go back to the mall).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Effective Disciplinary Strategies for Out-of-Control Children and Teens

Getting Defiant Children and Teens To Do Their Homework: 12 Tips for Parents

Moms and dads can play a crucial role in helping defiant children and adolescents handle homework challenges and succeed in school by lending a little help, support, and guidance, and by knowing what problems demand their involvement and which ones require them to hang back.

1. Apply school to the “real world”— Talk about how what children/adolescents learn now applies outside the classroom, such as the importance of meeting deadlines — as they'll also have to do in the workplace — or how topics in history class relate to what's happening in today's news.

2. Be in touch with school— Maintain contact with guidance counselors and educators throughout the school year to stay informed, especially if your child or adolescent is struggling. They'll keep you apprised of what's going on at school and how to help your adolescent. They can guide you to tutoring options, offer perspective on course load, and provide guidance on any issues, such as dyslexia, ADHD, or vision or hearing difficulties. You can also be kept in the loop about tests, quizzes, and projects.

3. Be there— You don't have to hover at homework time, but be around in case you're needed. If your child or teen is frazzled by geometry problems she's been trying to solve for hours, for instance, suggest she take a break, maybe by going shopping with you. A fresh mind may be all she needed, but when it's time to return to homework, ask how you can help.

4. Create an Environment Geared Toward Your Adolescent— Some children/adolescents need privacy, others prefer people around them. Find the place in your home that your adolescent is comfortable to do his work. Have the tools they need to get the work done. Adolescents are a lot like us... they get aggravated. After a full day at school the last thing they want to do is homework. After they get themselves to the table, all ready to go, what they don't need is to have to search for a piece of construction paper. It will be the straw that broke the camel’s back, and they will give up. We all know how this feels, so try and have what they need available.

5. Don’t forget the study skills— Help your child/adolescent develop good study skills — both in class and on homework. No one is born knowing how to study and often those skills aren't stressed in the classroom. When you're helping your adolescent study for a test, for instance, suggest such strategies as using flashcards to memorize facts or taking notes and underlining while reading.

6. Don't Let Them Overwhelm Themselves— When teenagers enter High School, they are offered many, different activities. Some adolescents try and do it all. This is a good time to explain to your adolescent that there is such a thing as 'too much of a good thing'. See how they handle the responsibility of an activity before allowing them something else.

7. Encourage teens to reach out— Most educators are available for extra help before or after school, and also might be able to recommend other resources. Encourage your child or adolescent to ask for help, if needed, but remember that in school children are rewarded for knowing the right answers – and no one likes to stand out by saying that they don't have them. Praise your adolescent's hard work and effort, and ask the guidance counselor or educators for resources for support if you need them.

8. Get On Top of the Situation— The first week, call or make an appointment to meet their educators. Get to know them, make them feel comfortable to get in touch with you. This, of course is something your child or adolescent isn't going to like, even if they are a good student. Educators that you have called to introduce yourself to are much more conscious of your adolescent in their class. So, not only does your adolescent know that you care about their education, the educators do also.

9. Instill organization skills— No one is born with great organizational skills — they're learned and practiced over time. Most children first encounter multiple educators and classrooms in middle school, when organization becomes a key to succeeding. Give your adolescent a calendar or personal planner to help her get organized.

10. Pick a Time and Stick To It—Routines make your child or adolescent feel safe and secure. When adolescents feel safe and secure, they are at their best. Get rid of the question, “Did you do your homework yet?” Know that from this time to this time, they are working on it. Be available at that time should they have questions. Let your adolescent be the one to come up with his daily routine. They are more apt to stick with it this way. Set up a consequence if they are unable to stick to the routine, beforehand.

11. Plan ahead— Regularly sit down with your child or adolescent to go over class loads and make sure they're balanced. If your adolescent has a particularly big workload from classes, you may want to see if you can shuffle the daily schedule so that there's a study hall during the day or limit after-school activities. Educators or guidance counselors might have some perspective on which classes are going to require more or less work.

12. Set Up Shop— Make sure your child or adolescent has a quiet, well-lit, distraction-free place to study. The space should be stocked with paper, pencils, a calculator, dictionary, thesaurus, and any other necessary supplies. It should be away from distractions like TVs, ringing phones, and video games.

Don't wait for report cards to find out that there are problems at school. The sooner you intervene, the sooner you can help your defiant child or adolescent get back on track.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Get Oppositional Children and Teens to Cooperate

Since kids pass through many developmental stages as they mature, it is important to understand the differences between normal childhood attempts to defy authority and symptoms of full-blown Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). Oppositional defiant kids share many of the following characteristics:

• The ODD youngster is socially exploitive and very quick to notice how others respond. He then uses these responses to his advantage in family or social environments, or both.
• These kids tolerate a great deal of negativity – in fact they seem to thrive on large amounts of conflict, anger and negativity from others, and are frequently the winners in escalating battles of negativity.
• They possess a strong need for control, and will do just about anything to gain power.
• They typically deny responsibility for their misbehavior and have little insight into how they impact others.

Besides ODD, these kids may also have another psychiatric disorder. ODD is frequently a co-morbid condition with ADHD. It can also be diagnosed along with:

• Anxiety and mood disorders
• Asperger’s
• Language-processing impairments
• Nonverbal learning disabilities. 
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder
• Sensory integration deficits
• Tourette Syndrome

Some researchers believe that many of the symptoms of these disorders may share common neurobiological mechanisms. If your youngster is affected by one of these disorders, it is critical to keep in mind that ODD can create additional problems for you and your youngster.

Many authorities on parenting have indicated that oppositional behavior is more prevalent when structure in the home is out of balance (i.e., when there is either too much structure or not enough).

In an overly structured environment, the parenting is rigid and inflexible. These moms and dads “micromanage” and come down hard on their kids, controlling every aspect of their lives. This particular style of parenting only serves to create more opposition and defiance.

On the other hand, structure that is too loose can also cause difficulties. Kids can exhibit oppositional defiant behavior when moms and dads do not provide enough structure by setting appropriate boundaries, or establishing and following through with consequences for misbehavior. These moms and dads usually give in to all of their youngster’s demands, either out of fear of the youngster, or in an effort to keep themselves in the youngster’s good graces.

In order to prevent or reduce oppositional defiant behavior moms and dads should aim towards a firm and loving parenting style in which the structure is balanced. Moms and dads must take charge, and place themselves at the top of the family hierarchy. They must use their authority as moms and dads and, at the same time, make the youngster feel protected, loved and soothed.

How well the moms and dads get along, whether married or divorced, is another factor to consider in preventing oppositional behavior. When couples are unhappy or oppositional in themselves, they frequently disagree on parenting issues, significantly limiting their success in changing the behavior of their youngster. ODD children are experts at dividing their parent’s authority, and will most certainly take advantage of exploiting rifts between the parents. Couples counseling may be in order to decrease the hostility and conflict between moms and dads and set the stage for united, successful parenting.

Another factor to consider is how the family is affected by ODD. This can be one of the most stressful conditions a family faces and, when it is secondary to another neuropsychiatric disorder, that stress is compounded. Family counseling may be helpful to resolve family difficulties. The family therapist can provide a controlled environment which offers support and skills training to weary moms and dads.

Once marital and family issues are addressed, moms and dads can begin to train both themselves and their youngster. If parents continue to respond to quarrelsome behavior as they always have, the ODD child will continue to tune them out, escalate the arguments, and push parent’s buttons.

Most adults engage in an argument with concern for the outcome. The adult’s goal in an argument is to come to a resolution. In other words, what transpires as a result of the conflict is most important. As a parent, from your perspective, if you have determined the outcome of the argument, you are the one in control. For the oppositional youngster, the process of creating an argument is more meaningful to him than the outcome of the conflict. These arguments over insignificant issues may seem pointless however, with such a strong need for control; it is your oppositional youngster’s goal is to escalate the conflict until you are no longer the one in control.

What is important to the ODD child is not the issue being argued over as much as what is going to happen during the argument. In order to control the process of the argument, the oppositional defiant youngster attempts to determine the topic and direction of the conflict and seems to instinctively know when parents are feeling most vulnerable and their energy is low.

The ODD child will bring up conflict-laden issues during these times, aiming towards pushing your buttons and diverting you from issues in which you are likely to be attempting to exert your authority over her. When your ODD youngster finally pushes your buttons, in his mind, he has gained control of you and your emotions. At this point, he has now successfully taken over your position of authority. Furthermore, when you lose control of your emotions, your youngster’s anxiety level rises along with his defensiveness. When his defenses increase, he becomes more oppositional, which is his main defense mechanism. As he becomes more oppositional, the situation escalates and parents are caught in an endless cycle of conflict.

Strategies for avoiding conflict are essential to de-escalate the situation. It is wise to change the subject if your energy is low, or you suspect that the topic of discussion will result in an argument.

Walking away from the conflict is another strategy to consider. If you cannot change the subject, or walk away it is important to keep in mind that the ODD youngster’s goal is to push your buttons. Think about your endurance, how long can you endure really oppositional button pushing? When you get to the end of your rope, what are your options?

It is critical not to take what your youngster says personally. As soon as you defend yourself, your youngster, by the rules governing arguments, has the right to defend himself against your attack. In turn, you get to defend yourself, and he has now pushed your buttons and gained power. You do not have to defend yourself or try to convince him you are right. Do not lower yourself to the level of your oppositional youngster. There are two options available for preventing him from drawing you in:

1. Tell him, in an unruffled rational manner, that he has two choices. If he wants to stay around, he can change the subject and stop complaining – or he can go somewhere else in the house to complain if he chooses.
2. Should your youngster choose to escalate, it is time to use two powerful words which can cut through any argument. These words are “regardless” and “nevertheless”. For example, “nevertheless, this is how it is going to be…” Using these words repetitively (like a broken record), in a calm unemotional manner will serve to de-escalate the situation without allowing your youngster to draw you into the power struggle.

Utilizing effective consequences for the oppositional youngster can be difficult since this presents one more opportunity for conflict in which you are likely to lose power. Discussing consequences while you are in the midst of their negative behavior will most likely result in more frustration for you. Therefore, it is critical to focus on consequences that do not require cooperation of the youngster.

Rules and consequences must be clear, and in writing to provide clarity for both youngster and parent before the conflict occurs. Begin by removing reinforcers and allowing your youngster to earn the items back as a reward for acceptable behavior. Reinforcers include items such as television, stereos, CD’s computers, video games, telephones, bicycles, skateboards, visiting friends, access to favorite clothing, favorite foods, etc.

Once you have successfully avoided having your buttons pushed and gained some control over your youngster’s behavior, it is time to go on the offensive to soothe him, and help him get back to an even place. Oppositional kids do not like being soothed by their caretakers. This places them back into the role of being a youngster and puts you back into the role as the parent. One of the driving forces behind ODD is that, for whatever reasons, a youngster is trying to grow up too quickly and considers himself to be equal to his parent.

The ODD youngster may feel less loved due to the amount of conflict going on, and it is difficult to simultaneously feel loved as a youngster and try to operate on an adult level. Your youngster may know intellectually that he is loved, but not feel loved. Moms and dads must be able to show love, and soothe and nurture their youngster. This is not always easy to accomplish, especially when previous negative behavior patterns have become ingrained.

Kids look to their moms and dads for a sense of security, belonging and identity. As our society becomes more complex, the need for our kids to develop a clear set of values is critical. Current research also has indicated that boys with ADHD and increased oppositional behavior are at greater risk for later antisocial behavior. With this in mind, the need for structure becomes particularly relevant in today’s world.

It is apparent that kids affected by a variety of neuropsychiatric disorders are at greater risk for oppositional behavior. Since this behavior will create additional difficulties for them as they pass through the various developmental stages, it becomes even more important to use the authority vested in us as moms and dads to establish consistent limits and consequences, and to distinguish boundaries within the family. This will form a family unit characterized by established guidelines, affording kids a secure backdrop in which they can grow and thrive.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Parenting Oppositional Defiant Teens and Pre-teens