Dealing with Parenting Conflicts

Question

My husband and I often disagree on how to discipline our defiant ADHD son. How can we find ways to agree?

Answer

As you and your husband share the responsibilities of parenting and managing a defiant child with ADHD, problems will arise. Here are a few of the most common difficulties that today's moms and dads encounter with such a child -- and how you can handle them:

1. Competition— Sometimes rivalry can develop between parents over their kid's attention and love. If dad wants his daughter to spend Saturday afternoon fishing with him, but mom wants her to go shopping with her, they may struggle to get their way, putting the youngster in an unenviable position, right in the middle of the conflict. The two of you need to find ways to cooperate, not compete, with each other. That doesn't mean you have to agree on everything; but it does mean that you are committed to working together toward a more harmonious relationship and family life, and you are not going to let differences undermine your common goals. Each of you needs to demonstrate some flexibility. As you form ground rules for the family, identify the areas in which each parent excels. That parent should then exert leadership in the areas of his or her strength, so the decision-making responsibilities are divided within the family.

2. Confusion— Uncertainty about what stands to take and what rules to impose can create turmoil within the family. Too often, moms and dads are perplexed about issues like the degree of supervision required for their kids and the amount of freedom to give them. Mothers/fathers frequently do not make decisions at all, and that can leave their kids puzzled and dismayed over what is expected of them. You and your husband need to resolve your own ambivalence on important family matters and agree on a position on these issues. Then you must clearly inform the entire family about your decisions and how their own lives will be affected by them.

3. Inconsistency— Often moms and dads differ in their rules and expectations for their youngster. Mom might say, "You can't watch TV until your homework is finished"; but when she's away, Dad may say, "Go ahead and watch TV if you want to." Dad might insist that the youngster's bedtime is 8:30; Mom may say that stretching it until 9:00 is fine. Similar conflicts can develop over issues like approaches to discipline or a youngster's choice of friends. When these inconsistencies occur, one parent inevitably undermines the authority of the other. To begin to resolve this problem, you and your husband need to be explicit with each other about what your rules and expectations are. If necessary, write them down, review them and be sure they are workable. In areas in which you differ, find a compromise that you both can live with - and stick by it.

4. Non-Communication— If you and your husband do not talk about the issues the family faces, one of you may be left out of important matters you should be informed about. To avoid this situation, you and your husband need to commit yourselves to communicate about every significant issue in your family life. At least once a day the two of you need to check in with each other and discuss what happened that day that was important. At the same time, talk about long-term issues that may be confronting the family.

5. Overt Conflict— Too often, moms and dads argue and openly challenge each other on family-related matters. Perhaps their youngster has gotten into trouble at school, and the parents disagree about how to handle it; the mother may think the youngster should be grounded, while the father believes it wasn't her fault. They start to argue - sometimes for hours or even over a period of days - and eventually, rather than resolving the problem amicably, one parent wins out because the other ultimately gives in, at least for the moment. Nevertheless, the parental power struggle often begins all over again at a later time with a different issue, with some of the same anger from the previous conflict resurfacing. The wounds never fully heal and the animosity builds. Clearly, this is not a healthy situation. Mothers/fathers need to learn the skills of conflict resolution. These include:

• Clarifying points of difference

• Generating alternative solutions together

• Listening

• Negotiating

• Taking each other's feelings seriously

Remember, the way you handle conflict in your family is how your youngster learns to manage disagreement. Many community colleges offer seminars and courses on conflict resolution.

Interpersonal relationships do not exist in a vacuum. If you and your husband are having marital difficulties, they are likely to disrupt the entire family. When your marriage is not going well, your parenting skills and your kids will suffer.

Parents in the most successful families do not neglect marital problems. They commit themselves to spending time together as a couple and working together to resolve any misunderstandings, jealousies or conflicts. They make a commitment to communicate, praise, and forgive each other; they try to understand each other; and they routinely examine their relationship and how it can be improved.

Sometimes kids are a convenient excuse for not dealing with serious marital difficulties. Moms and dads may think, "The children require so much of our attention now; once they're grown, we'll have a lot of time to talk about the problems we have in our own relationship." But that is a prescription for marital and parenting disaster. Problems tend only to become worse with time, and once your kids are grown, you may not have much of a foundation to build on - if you are still together at all. So don't be complacent and let problems persist without attempting to solve them.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens

How To Get Your Child To Stop Arguing

All behavior is purposeful, and as such, it is critical that you understand your youngster’s goal. Everything our kids say and do has a purpose. At its most basic level, your youngster’s focus is to have some significance and establish a place in his various environments.

A well-adjusted youngster has found his way toward social acceptance by cooperating with the requirements of the group and by making his own useful contribution to it. The misbehaving youngster is still trying, in a mistaken way, to feel important in his own world. For example, a kid who has never been allowed to dress himself (because the mother/father is in a hurry), or who has not been allowed to help around the house ("you're not big enough to set the table"), may lack the feeling that he is a useful, contributing member of the family, and might feel important only when arousing a mother/father's anger and annoyance with misbehavior.

Most kids are not aware of the goals or purposes of their behavior. But their behavior, while appearing senseless and illogical to adults, makes complete sense in terms of his own perception of his place in the family, school and community. As such, when children misbehave, they are frequently trying to fulfill one of the following four primary goals:

1. Attention-getting— She wants attention and service. We, as moms and dads, respond by feeling annoyed and that we need to remind and coax her.
2. Display of inadequacy— She wants to be left alone with no demands made upon her. We respond by feeling despair (e.g., “I don't know what to do!").
3. Power— She wants to be the boss. We respond by feeling provoked and get into a power contest with her (e.g., “You can't get away with this!").
4. Revenge— She wants to hurt us. We respond by feeling deeply hurt (e.g., “I'll get even!").

If, as you read over these primary goals, you found the behavior and the parental response resonating with situations and events in your life, you have probably discovered the goal or purpose of your youngster's misbehavior. And once you understand the goal or purpose of a behavior, you can use the following principle to effectively change it:

==> Important Principle: If a given behavior isn’t fulfilling its goal or purpose, every youngster will opt for a different behavior.

Once we know why our children are doing what they are doing, and once we understand the goal or purpose of a given behavior, we are given a tremendous lever for inducing behavioral change. Let’s look at an example so that you can understand what I am saying here…

A lot of family’s that I have worked with over the years presented with a common complaint: “My youngster won’t listen to me anymore. Any time I try to get him to do something, all he wants to do is argue. My home has become a war zone and I just can’t stand living this way anymore.”

At this point, my question to the mother/father is this, “How do you react when your youngster becomes belligerent and begins arguing with you?” In most cases, the parent says he/she gets into an argument with the youngster. There is a “debate” with the situation escalating to the point that the mother/father gets fed up and says, “Go ahead, do whatever you want. You’re not going to listen to me anyway.”

Referring back to the list of goals of misbehavior listed above, why is this kid - or any kid - choosing to escalate the situation and argue with their mother/father? Isn’t that a perfect example of a kid who is acting up in order to take power and get what he wants? And by choosing to engage in the process, the mother/father is playing right into the kid’s hands.

Now what do you think would happen if the mother/father, rather than taking the bait, simply refused to get angry and refused to argue? What would happen if the mother/father said, “I’m not going to fight with you, and I’m not comfortable even discussing this with you until you calm down.”

First of all, the kid would probably have a heart attack because this isn’t the way he is used to doing business. Mom/dad has done something different, acting in an unpredictable way, and that is very confusing to the youngster. Predictably, once the initial shock wears off, the youngster might redouble his efforts to get the mother or father to engage. But what would happen if mom or dad held the line and refused to argue and fight with the youngster? What would happen if the parent went so far as to suggest that the youngster needed to go to another part of the house and come back when he has been able to get himself under control?

With a kid that is used to playing the anger card to get his way, he is likely to refuse this suggestion and continue to try to escalate the parent. This is the way he has always played before! But what would happen if mom continued to stick to her guns and withdraw from the situation? What would happen if she refused to have the conversation until her youngster spoke to her in an appropriate and civil manner? Right! Her youngster is going to have to change his behavior.

Let's use the example of ping pong. What would happen if one of the players put down her ping pong paddle? Game over …right!? Well, the same is true in terms of our children and their negative behaviors. If we refuse to engage, to tolerate and respond to the negative behavior, they are going to have to do something different. They are going to have to select another behavior in order to achieve their goal. And as moms and dads, we can go a long way toward guiding this choice into more appropriate and respectful areas.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens

The Pros and Cons of Abortion

Question

We recently discovered that my 16-year-old daughter is pregnant. This has been a real shock for us. The alleged father no longer lives in our hometown and is supposedly a heavy pot smoker. My daughter has talked about having an abortion, but both she and I are torn on this issue. I know this is a touchy subject, but I am asking for your advice on which way to go with this decision. Thank you!

Answer

My conviction is very much against abortion, but you’re not asking for my opinion. I‘m assuming you want the facts in order to make an educated decision.

Facing an unplanned pregnancy can be very difficult and scary for an adolescent, and deciding what to do will be even harder. No matter what her political or religious persuasion, it always comes down to a very intimate, personal decision that no adolescent makes without some degree of emotional trauma. All of the options: abortion, or raising the baby, or allowing another individual to adopt the baby carries emotional pain and personal sacrifice.

In the U.S., teenage abortion accounts for 19% of all procedures of this nature. The average age of those receiving abortions is dropping from 19 to 17. Over 50% of abortions performed annually are on women under the age of 25 with the ages of 18 and 19 accounting for the highest number performed.

There are currently twenty-one states that require parental permission for a teen abortion and eighteen states that do not. There are also fourteen states that require a parental notification before performance of an abortion on a minor. The notification law requires that parents be notified, but permission of a parent is not necessary to go ahead with the procedure.

At this time in the United States, abortions are legal. Teen abortion facts reveal that though the teen pregnancy rate has declined in the United States over the last ten years, the percentages have actually increased.

Adolescents:

• are at higher risk for post-abortion infections such as pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) and endometritis (inflammation of the uterus), which may be caused either by the spread of an undiagnosed sexually transmitted disease into the uterus during the abortion, or by micro-organisms on the surgical instruments which are inserted into the uterus

• risk further injury or death because they are unlikely to inform parents of any physical complications

• who abort are 2 to 4 times more likely to commit suicide than adults who abort, and a history of abortion is likely to be associated with adolescent suicidal thinking

• who abort are more likely to develop psychological problems, and are nearly three times more likely to be admitted to mental health hospitals than adolescents in general

The most common reasons an adolescent chooses abortion are:

• cannot afford a baby

• doesn't want anyone to know she has had sex or is pregnant

• doesn't want to be a single parent

• her partner or parent wants her to have an abortion

• not ready to become a parent

• she is too immature to have a child

• she or the fetus has a health problem

• she was a survivor of rape or incest

Medical conditions and indications may develop after the first trimester (12 weeks) of pregnancy that could threaten the mother's life and/or health. Late-occurring medical conditions can include:

• heart failure

• severe or uncontrollable diabetes

• serious renal disease

• uncontrollable hypertension (high blood pressure)

• severe depression

Some of the consequences of 'compulsory pregnancy' or 'forced motherhood' (i.e., unwanted children) are as follows. The child:

• does less well scholastically; is a low achiever

• has more emotional handicaps

• has poorer relationships with parents

• is 4x as likely to have adult criminal record

• is 6x more likely to receive welfare between 16-21

• is at a higher risk to be abused or neglected by parents

• is more likely to abuse alcohol and drugs

• is twice as likely to have record of juvenile delinquency

Some of the disadvantages of going through with an abortion are:

• creates feelings of regret and grief

• does not give the child that is in the womb a chance at life, thus it is looked down upon by many religions

• having an abortion always lessens your chances for having children later in life

• adolescents who have participated in abortion repeatedly report feeling deceived by those selling abortions and become preoccupied with concern for 'God's judgment and punishment'

• the "would-be-mother" will always wonder 'what if' and may feel some level of guilt for the rest of her life about the child she could have had

Adoption vs. Abortion—

With adoption:

• You can have continued contact with your baby

• You usually feel positive about your choice

• You will have plenty of time to plan you and your baby's future

• You will remember giving birth

• Your pregnancy ends with giving life

With Abortion:

• Abortion is final; you can't go back on your decision

• You may feel guilt and shame about your choice

• You will miss the opportunity to see your child develop

• You will remember taking a life

• Your pregnancy ends with death

Adolescents are more likely to make a snap judgment and try to cover up their pregnancy from their parents by having an abortion. Adolescents are also more likely to report having wanted to keep the baby, higher levels of feeling misinformed in pre-abortion counseling, less satisfaction with abortion services and greater post-abortion stress. Adolescents were also more likely to use immature coping strategies such as projection of their problems on to others, denial, or "acting out", than older women, strategies researchers speculate might become permanent.

Despite the fact that supporters without parental consent continually leave the spiritual devastation component out of the discussions, teen abortion facts tell us that adolescents who have participated in abortion repeatedly feel deceived by those selling abortions and become preoccupied with concern for God's judgment and punishment.

Teen abortion is an especially difficult thing to deal with, especially when having to possibly confront your parents and hoping that your partner will be supportive.

Adolescents are encouraged to involve parents in their decision to have an abortion, and most do have a parent involved. In most of these states, if she can't talk with her parents - or chooses not to - she can appear before a judge. The judge will consider whether she's mature enough to decide on her own. If not, the judge will decide whether an abortion is in the teen's best interests. In any case, if there are complications during the procedure, parents of minors may be notified.

Before an adolescent makes decisions in haste, or as an attempt to undo a wrong, adolescents and parents on both sides of the parental consent debate should get the teen abortion facts and found out as much about abortion and post-abortion procedure complications. The most important thing to remember is that you do have a choice. There are three main paths: parenting, abortion or adoption.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

ADHD and School Behavior Problems

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is the phrase that is used to describe kids who have significant problems with high levels of distractibility or inattention, impulsiveness, and often with excessive motor activity levels.

Often the ADHD youngster has special educational needs, though not always. Most ADHD children can be successful in the regular classroom with some help. There may be deficits in attention and impulse control without hyperactivity being present. In fact, recent studies indicate that as many as 40% of the ADHD children may not be hyperactive.

Research shows that there are several things happening in the brain of the ADHD youngster which causes the disorder. The main problem is that certain parts of the Central Nervous System are under-stimulated, while others may be over-stimulated. In some hyperactive children there is also an uneven flow of blood in the brain, with some parts of the brain getting too much blood flow, and other centers not getting as much. Certain medications or other forms of treatment can be used to address these problems.

How Educators Can Identify ADHD—

As a teacher, ask yourself these questions:

1. Can the ADHD student wait? Emotionally, these students often cannot delay gratification, and they typically cannot wait their turns.

2. Can the student pay attention in class? Some ADHD children can pay attention for a while, but typically can't sustain it, unless they are really interested in the topic. Other ADHD children cannot pay attention to just one thing at a time, such as not being able to pay attention to just you when you are trying to teach them something. There are many different aspects to "attention," and the ADHD student would have a deficit in at least one aspect of it.

3. Does he have difficulty with rhythm? Or the use of his time? Both awareness of time and the rhythm of music often escape ADHD students.

 

==> Help for Parents with Strong-Willed, Out-of-Control Children and Teens

4. Does he have trouble staying in his seat when he's supposed to? How is he on the playground? Can he wait in line, or does he run ahead of the rest of the class? Does he get in fights often?

5. Does he lack awareness about “personal space” and what is appropriate regarding touching others? ADHD students are often overly touchy with others, and are often prompted to keep their hands to themselves.

6. Does he seem unable to read facial expressions and know their meanings? ADHD students have often missed the subtle social cues that they need to be successful in social relationships.

7. Does the student seem to be immature developmentally, educationally, or socially? It has been suggested by research that students and teens with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder may developmentally lag 20% to 40% behind students without ADHD. In other words, a ten year old with ADHD may behave, or learn, as you would expect a seven year old to behave or learn. A fifteen year old with ADHD may behave, or learn, as you would expect a ten year old to behave, or learn.

8. Is he calm? ADHD children are constantly looking for clues as to how they are doing. They may display a wide range of moods, which are often on the extremes: they act too sad, too angry, too excited, too whatever.

9. Is the student impulsive? Does he call out in class? Does he bother other children with his impulsivity? These children often cannot stop and think before they act, and they rarely think of the consequences of their actions first. Impulsivity tends to hurt peer relationships, especially in junior high school years.

10. Is the student working at grade level? Is he working at his potential? Does he/she stay on task well? Does he fidget a lot? Does he have poor handwriting? Most ADHD children have trouble staying on task, staying seated, and many have terrible handwriting.

Many kids with ADHD also have Sensory Integration Dysfunctions (as many as 10% to 20% of all kids might have some degree of Sensory Integration Dysfunction). SID is simply the ineffective processing of information received through the senses. As a result these kids have problems with learning, development, and behavior.

School Accommodations for ADHD Students—

Any teacher can institute the following suggestions, even without formal training:

1. Take a realistic outlook at the student you get every day. Periodically, rate the ADHD behaviors using the checklist below (1 means very little; 10 means a lot):

• Difficulty delaying gratification _____

• Disorganization _____

• Emotional over-arousal _____

• Hyperactivity ______

• Impulsivity _____

• Inattentiveness _____

• Non compliance _____

• Social problems _____

This is what you can likely expect from the ADHD student every day. Once educators (and moms and dads) accept this, it is easier not to take everything so personally. Also, anger on the teacher’s/parent’s part is reduced, because anger arises when there is greater discrepancy between what you expected versus what you got. Moms and dads can also fill out the checklist and discuss it with the teacher.

2. Don't take the ADHD behaviors as personal challenges. The answer to the question "Why can't he listen to me like all of the other students?" is that he can't turn off his ADHD at will. It isn't personal.

3. Learn about ADHD. Typically, educators in the higher grades have a harder time “believing” in the condition. The older students no longer appear physically hyperactive. Organization and planning problems are frequently misinterpreted as lack of preparation and motivation.

 

==> Help for Parents with Strong-Willed, Out-of-Control Children and Teens

4. Provide help for deficits at the moment it is needed, not negative feedback when it is already too late. Unfortunately, the simple reality is that punishment does not usually teach the needed behaviors. This is because many students with ADHD have difficulty “doing what they know,” not “knowing what to do.” They already “know,” for example, that they should come to class prepared. Once we understand that punishment has not been working, we are ready to provide relief for their disabilities by guiding them at the moment guidance is needed—rather than ongoing disbelief that they did it wrong again.

5. Presenting Material to ADHD Students:

• Alert student’s attention with phrases such as “This is important.”

• Allow physically hyperactive students out of their seats to hand out and pick up papers, etc.

• Break down longer directions into simpler chunks.

• Check for comprehension.

• Encourage students to mark incorrect multiple-choice answers with an “x” first. This allows them to “get started” quickly, while forcing them to read all of the choices before making a final selection.

• Encourage students to underline the key words of directions.

• Establish good eye contact.

• Have student sit in the front of the class.

• Tap on the desk (or use other code) to bring the student back into focus.

6. Organizational Help:

• Ensure that moms and dads and the student all know the correct assignment. Most students can take this responsibility upon themselves – but those with ADHD, though, usually cannot. It is unfair and counter-productive to let intelligent students flounder because of this disability. Once informed of the needed work, the student is still responsible to work to get it done. Inform the student about typical routines (e.g., vocabulary quizzes on Fridays). Hand out written assignments for the week. Initial student’s homework assignment pads after each period. Do not expect the student to come up after class for the signature. If he was organized enough to do that, we would not need to be doing this. The typical student is organized enough to come to the teacher, but we’re not talking about the typical student here.

• Recognize that disorganization is a major disability for almost everyone with ADHD. In fact, it is difficult to diagnose ADHD in the absence of organizational problems. ADHD students can -- and frequently do -- write a wonderful paper and then forget to hand it in. This striking unevenness in skills is what makes it a learning disability.

7. Notify family immediately of any late assignments. Waiting for mid-term notices is too late to correct the problem, and too late for the student to behaviorally notice the connection between his/her performance and the consequences. The parent could mail weekly a card to each teacher. The card would simply have spaces for missed work and comments, and is dropped back into the mail. The parent could call the team leader each week for an update. A phone call takes the student out of the loop, and works best.

8. Allow for expedient make up of late (or incorrectly done) homework. If deduction for lateness actually works to correct the problem, then keep doing it. If not, recognize the problem as a currently uncorrectable disability. In this case, the work does need to be completed, but is not fair for a persistent organizational disability to cause excessive and demoralizing deductions. If for some reason it is necessary to give an “F” for incomplete work, remember that an F is 65, not 0. Trying to get a decent grade while averaging in a “0” is virtually impossible. A grade of “0” is excessive and counter-productive.

 

==> Help for Parents with Strong-Willed, Out-of-Control Children and Teens

9. Simple Accommodations for Other Frequently Associated Problems:

A. Dysgraphia (hand writing problems)—

• Graph paper helps line up math problems.

• Minimize deductions for neatness and spelling. Instead, give extra points for neatness.

• Provide a copy of class notes, or arrange for peer to make carbon copy.

• Use of a computer.

B. Dyscalculia (math problems)—

• Consider doing every other problem if homework takes too long.

• Liberal use of a calculator.

10. “Section 504” Accommodations:

Section 504 of the Vocational Rehabilitation Act (Public Law 93-112) is a Federal civil rights law which aims at eliminating discrimination in any program that receives federal funds (including most all US schools and colleges). By 504 definition:

• 504 “accommodations” may be “easier” to obtain as they generally mandate accommodations more than costly special services.

• A written plan for 504 accommodations is not mandated, but certainly makes sense. It should be periodically revised (yearly).

• Accommodations can be mandated via Federal Law Section 504 if needed.

• Classification under Section 504 will typically require a school meeting, but less formal psychological and educational testing than classification under IDEA.

• Moms and dads or the school may initiate a 504 evaluation.

• The disability can be physical or mental, and the disability must substantially limit one or more “life activities” such as learning, performing manual tasks, care for oneself, speaking, hearing, or walking.

• Untimed tests, including SATs, may require 504 classification.

11. IDEA Classification:

The Individuals with Disabilities Act (IDEA, Part B) of 1990 provides federal funding to schools which guarantee special needs students with appropriate rights and services:

• If unable to provide an “appropriate” public education, the school must pay for alternate education.

• Detailed information can be found through the National Information Center for Students and Youth with Disabilities at www.nichcy.org.

• IDEA classifiable conditions include: (a) Specific Learning Disability (LD), (b) Emotional and Behavioral Disorder (ED), (c) Other Health Impaired (OHI) (the US Dept. of Education memo of 1991 includes ADHD as a classifying condition under OHI).

• IDEA classification evaluations and provided services are usually more comprehensive than 504 plans.

• Moms and dads must be full partners in the process of developing an Individualized Education Plan (IEP). If nothing else, moms and dads certainly know what has not worked so far.

• The moms and dads may request an independent evaluation if they disagree with the school’s evaluation.

• The school has the right to decide what evaluation is needed.

• There is annual updating of the IEP, with full re-evaluation every three years. The moms and dads may request review and revision of the IEP at any time.

==> Help for Parents with Strong-Willed, Out-of-Control Children and Teens

Violent Media and the Violent Child

Most parents think that violence in the media is fairly harmless. 

THINK AGAIN!

Recent research has shown that:

1. There is a 12% increase in aggressive behavior after watching violent television.

2. Heavy television viewers (4 or more hours a day) put in less effort at school, have poorer reading skills, play less friendly with friends, have fewer hobbies and activities, and are more likely to be overweight.

3. There is a connection between playing violent video games and aggressive behavior.

The American Psychological Association states there are 3 major effects of watching violence in the media (i.e., video games, movies, television):

• kids tend to be more fearful of the world around them
• kids tend to be more likely to behave in aggressive or hurtful ways toward others
• kids tend to become less sensitive to the pain and suffering of others

Everything that kids see or hear in the media early on in their lives affects them in some way. Parents are told that -- in the best interest of their kids -- they should limit their exposure to violent acts. Unfortunately, violence is one of the most popular forms of entertainment. Over 60% of television shows being shown in prime time contain some form of violence.

Current research tends to argue that violent media is associated with aggressive behavior, for example:

• decreased emotional response to the portrayal of violence and injury that lead to violent behavior through imitation
• increased feelings of hostility
• lack of remorse for consequences
• violence against others

The Academy of Pediatrics states that more than 1,000 scientific studies and reviews conclude that significant exposure to media violence:

• desensitizes kids to violence
• increases the risk of aggressive behavior in certain kids
• makes kids believe that the world is a “meaner and scarier” place than it is

If kids begin to think that this type of violence is normal behavior these thoughts are often said to be difficult to change later on in life. This is similar to the studies of domestic violence where kids who are exposed to violence either become offenders or victims because they believe that what they are exposed to is the norm.

Another view from researchers suggests that performing violent acts in video games may be more influential to kid's aggression than passively watching violent acts on television. According to this view, the more kids “practice” violent acts, the more likely they are to perform violent acts.

The National Coalition on Television Violence reported there has been a consistent increase in the number of violent themed video games. The agreement among researchers on television violence is that there is a significant increase (from 3% to 15%) in kids' aggressive behavior after watching violent television.

It should be noted that violent media are not the only cause of kids committing violent acts. The involvement of moms and dads in what their kids watch, how the family interacts with each other, and what the kids are exposed to in their environment are additional indicators of how they will behave and what value system they will follow.

Violent behavior in kids and teens can include a wide range of behaviors:

• cruelty toward animals
• explosive temper tantrums
• fighting
• fire setting
• homicidal thoughts
• intentional destruction of property
• physical aggression
• threats or attempts to hurt others
• use of weapons
• vandalism

Parents and teachers should be careful not to minimize these behaviors in kids. Whenever a parent or other adult is concerned, they should immediately arrange for a comprehensive evaluation by a qualified mental health professional. Early treatment by a professional can often help.

The goals of treatment typically focus on helping the youngster to:

• accept consequences
• address family conflicts and school problems
• be responsible for his/her actions
• express anger and frustrations in appropriate ways
• learn how to control his/her anger

In addition, the following strategies can lessen or prevent violent behavior:

• Early intervention programs for violent youngsters
• Family support programs
• Monitoring youngster's viewing of violence on TV/videos/movies
• Parent training
• Prevention of youngster abuse
• Sex education and parenting programs for adolescents

==> Help for Parents with Violent Children and Teens

How to Prevent Behavior Problems at School

While kids can display a wide range of behavior problems in school (e.g., disruptive talking in the classroom, fighting, name-calling on the playground, etc.), the reasons for these problems are usually quite simple. If a youngster is acting-out a lot in school, two things are usually going on: (1) he's having strong feelings and needs a hand with getting those feelings out, or (2) something in school is really not working for him. As a mother/father, you can do a number of things at home to help your youngster deal with his feelings. You can also change the situation in school so your youngster has a better time there.

Here are some ways to help your youngster if he or she is having behavioral problems at school:

1. Spend time in your youngster's classroom to see what's going on. You could even ask a friend or relative to go to his school for a day. Look at the educator's teaching style and your youngster's learning style. Is a mismatch in the educator-child relationship causing your youngster to feel misunderstood or angry? Go out to the playground at recess. Is your youngster being teased or frightened and then acting out in an attempt to get someone to notice he's in trouble? You may learn a lot by spending a day in your youngster's environment and paying attention to his interactions with the people around her.

2. Pushing and motivating and holding high expectations can drive some kids to be all they can be, but it can drive others straight into anxiety and depression. Would you want to work at a job, day in and day out, where you always had to be at the top of your abilities, handling things you weren't quite on top of and hoping things turn out alright? Children can't quit school, and they have very little recourse in terms of demanding better working conditions, but they can find all sorts of ways to act out their anger and despair. Be honest and compassionate when considering what sort of classroom your youngster will learn best in and what sorts of supports he will require.

3. We all know how important it is to fight for our kids and be strong, effective advocates. That struggle may lead us to conclude that some educators are not worthy of our respect, and their judgment is subject to doubt. But be very careful how you communicate that to your youngster. You may think the message you're sending is “even educators are human and make mistakes”. The message your youngster receives, though, may be “it's okay to be disrespectful to educators …the rules don't apply to me”. If you teach a kid to question authority, sooner or later he's going to question yours.

4. Check out your youngster's relationship with his educator. This basic dynamic can make or break a youngster's experience in the classroom. Often when a youngster is having behavior problems in school, it comes down to a feeling that the educator doesn't like him. To be able to learn and to act well, it's really important to kids to feel liked. Often it's enough just to bring the problem to the educator's attention, but if your youngster somehow pushes the educator's buttons in a way that makes it difficult for the educator to like him, as a last resort you can look into moving your youngster to a different classroom.

5. If you think it's necessary, get recommendations for a good therapist for your youngster. Interview possible candidates on the phone, and tell them you're looking for someone who can help your youngster work through the emotional issues that are making him act-out at school. Tell them you're not interested in a medication approach, but are looking for someone who can work with your youngster's educator and the school system and give the educator ideas on how to handle your child’s behavior.

6. Sometimes the daily grind of going to a place where he is not succeeding can push a youngster into behavior problems. If you can, try taking a day off from school and work every once in a while to do something with your youngster that he really enjoys (e.g., going fishing). Take advantage of the times when he is home sick to get close and pay special attention to him.

7. Knowing that he is loved can pull a youngster out of a downward spiral. It can sometimes work to give your youngster a special reminder of you, something he can put in his pocket, like a little note that says 'I love you and you're great’. Or put a picture in his lunchbox of the two of you hugging.

8. Children don't answer the question "How was school?" because they know moms and dads only want to hear good news. Moms and dads should reconnect with what it really feels like to be in school (e.g., uncomfortable desks, stuffy classrooms, disengaged educators, work that is either too easy or too hard). Think about what it really feels like to be your youngster at school. Ask questions about feelings, and really listen to what he says. Don't be quick with a pep talk and a pat on the back. Having someone to listen, without judging, can help defuse some of the frustration that might later erupt in dangerous behavior.

9. Set up conferences that include you, your youngster, and his educator. Brainstorm together about how to make school go better for your youngster. You may want to devise a signal your youngster can give his educator (e.g., raising two fingers) when he's feeling frustrated and restless and is about to start acting out. At these times, the educator could give him something special to do (e.g., taking papers to the dean's office). Also, the educator could think of a signal (e.g., a tap on your youngster's shoulder) to remind him to behave without embarrassing him in front of the class.

10. Volunteer at your youngster's school. Being a presence at your youngster's school pays numerous dividends. You could volunteer at the library, help in the lunchroom, serve as class mother/father, or staff special events. It gets you known by the administration in a non-adversarial context. It lets your youngster know that school is important to you and a place you want to be. It gives you an opportunity to observe what goes on in that building, from the conduct of the students to the morale of the educators.

11. Work with your child’s educators. Just having to sit still during class is a big challenge for some kids. The educator may be open to letting your youngster move around or do other activities if you talk to him about it.

12. If the school is sending home complaints about your youngster's behavior -- and expecting you to do something about it -- put the ball back in their court by requesting a Functional Behavior Assessment. This will force the school to really think about your youngster's behavior, not just react to it. A Functional Behavior Assessment examines:

• what comes before bad behavior
• what the consequences are for it
• what possible function the behavior could serve for the youngster
• what sorts of things could be setting him off

For example, a child may act up frequently and be sent to stand in the hallway. However, a Functional Behavior Assessment may find that the child acts up only during times when a lot of writing is required in class, and that he has documented difficulty with fine motor skills. The misbehavior serves the function of getting him out of written work. Supports to reduce the amount of writing needed and tools to make writing easier may eliminate the behavior in a way that discipline never will.

If a youngster finds class work too hard or a classroom too oppressive, getting sent to the hallway or the principal or home could become a reward, not a punishment. Conducting a Functional Behavior Assessment - and writing a behavior plan based on it -- is probably the best way to head off discipline problems.

=> Parenting Strategies for Out-of-Control Children and Teens

Aggressive Behavior in Children

"My 8-year-old son is very aggressive sometimes - both verbally and physically. This aggression is most often directed toward his older sister, but I have been on the receiving end of it as well. What is the best method to prevent this behavior from happening?"

The best way to prevent aggressive behavior is to give your son a stable, secure home life with firm, loving discipline and full-time supervision. Everyone who cares for your youngster should be a good role model and agree on the rules he’s expected to observe as well as the response to use if he disobeys. Whenever your son breaks an important rule, he should be reprimanded immediately with a consequence that "ties-in" to the infraction so that he understands exactly what he’s done wrong. Kids don’t know the rules of the house until they’re taught them, so that is one of your important parenting responsibilities.

For discipline to be most effective, it should take place on an ongoing basis, not just when your son misbehaves. In fact, it begins with moms and dads smiling at their children, and it continues with praise and genuine affection for all positive and appropriate behaviors. If your son feels encouraged and respected, rather than demeaned and embarrassed, he is more likely to listen, learn, and change when necessary. It is always more effective to positively reinforce desired behaviors and to teach kids alternative behaviors rather than just say, “Stop it or else!”

While teaching him other ways to respond, there’s also nothing wrong with distracting him at times, or trying another approach. As long as you’re not “bribing” him to behave differently by offering him sweet snacks, for example, there’s nothing wrong with intentionally changing his focus.

Remember, your son has little natural self-control. He needs you to teach him not to yell, kick, or hit when he is angry, but instead to express his feelings through words. It’s important for him to learn the difference between real and imagined insults and between appropriately standing up for his rights and attacking out of anger. The best way to teach these lessons is to supervise him carefully when he’s involved in disputes with his siblings or playmates. As long as a disagreement is minor, you can keep your distance and let the kids solve it on their own.

However, you must intervene when kids get into a physical fight that continues even after they’re told to stop, or when one youngster seems to be in an uncontrollable rage and is assaulting or biting the other. Pull the kids apart and keep them separate until they have calmed down. If the fight is extremely violent, you may have to end the play session. Make it clear that it doesn’t matter who “started it.” There is no excuse for trying to hurt each other.

To avoid or minimize “high-risk” situations, teach your son ways to deal with his anger without resorting to aggressive behavior. Teach him to say “no” in a firm tone of voice, to turn his back, or to find compromises instead of fighting with his body. Through example, teach him that settling differences with words is more effective—and more civilized—than with physical violence. Praise him on his appropriate behavior and help explain to him how “grown-up” he is acting whenever he uses these tactics instead of screaming, hitting, or kicking. And always reinforce and praise his behavior when he is demonstrating kindness and gentleness.

There’s also nothing wrong with using a time-out when his behavior is inappropriate. These time-outs should be a last resort, however. Have him sit in a chair or go to a “boring” place where there are no distractions; in essence, you’re separating him from his misbehavior, and giving him time to cool off. Briefly explain to your son what you’re doing and why—but no long lectures. Initially, when kids are young, time-out is over as soon as they have calmed down and are “quiet and still.” Ending time-out once they are quiet reinforces this behavior, so your son learns that time out means "quiet and still."  A good rule of thumb is one minute of a timeout for each year in your youngster’s age. Thus, an 8-year-old should have an 8-minute time-out. When the time-out is over, there needs to be a "time-in" while giving him plenty of positive attention when doing the right thing.

Always watch your own behavior around your son. One of the best ways to teach him appropriate behavior is to control your own temper. If you express your anger in quiet, peaceful ways, your son probably will follow your example. If you must discipline him, do not feel guilty about it and certainly don’t apologize. If your son senses your mixed feelings, he may convince himself that he was in the right all along and you are the “bad” one. Although disciplining your youngster is never pleasant, it is a necessary part of parenthood, and there is no reason to feel guilty about it. Your youngster needs to understand when he is in the wrong so that he will take responsibility for his actions and be willing to accept the consequences.

Here are some additional points to keep in mind when dealing with aggression in children:

1. Aggression in a young child is usually a temporary behavior that can easily be corrected. Aggressive behavior in kids between the ages of five and eight is usually more stable and leads to lower prosocial behaviors in early adolescence. Aggressive behavior up to age 8 correlates with alienation from peers and conflict with teachers in adolescence.

2. Aggression in kids negatively correlates with prosocial behavior. Kids who have more social skills and are able to successfully relate in social situations are less likely to be aggressive.

3. Aggressive behavior in kids falls into two categories. Proactive aggression is when a youngster deliberately acts aggressively in order to obtain a goal, such as a youngster who hurts other kids in his efforts to win a game. Reactive aggression is when a youngster acts aggressively without planning, in reaction to a situation, such as a youngster who hits another youngster because she took his toy.

4. Involve law enforcement if needed. Unchecked aggression puts the violent youngster, the family, peers and the community at risk. Some communities have programs to assist youths at risk of aggressive and violent behavior. If a parent or other member of the family is under duress from an aggressive youngster, call 911 for immediate help.

5. Involve professionals if needed. If a youngster has had more than one or two incidents of aggression, or the aggression is not age-appropriate, parents should seek the advice of their pediatrician or a mental health provider. Causes of aggression are numerous and may involve biological, emotional or mental health issues. A professional will determine the cause or causes and create a treatment plan.

6. Moms and dads faced with aggressive kids sometimes find themselves responding in a similar way, perhaps believing that if the youngster experiences how it feels to have aggression directed against him, he will be more likely to stop the behavior. But modeling aggression doesn't stop it; it encourages it. Modeling prosocial, positive behaviors will teach a youngster to stop his aggressive behavior.

7. Prosocial behaviors may cause decreased aggression in kids. Teaching and modeling positive prosocial behaviors and ways of interacting with peers is one way to decrease aggressive behavior. Moms and dads can stop aggressive behavior by paying attention to triggers, such as tiredness, hunger or reaction to specific behaviors by other kids, and try to avoid situations with those triggers. Parents can also respond by teaching kids skills for handling frustration and anger such as walking away and using deep breathing. Mother/fathers can encourage empathy by talking about how a youngster's behaviors make other kids feel. They can encourage sharing and taking turns by mediating these actions and making sure that each youngster gets a fair turn.

8. Provide a consequence after the aggressive incident. In the midst of a meltdown, a youngster is unable or unwilling to follow directions. After he is calm, later in the day, or even the next day, remind him that his behavior was unacceptable and that he has earned himself a consequence. Provide a consequence that rebuilds trust with the family or that reinforces the negative nature of his behavior. Trust-building consequences might be preparing dinner for the family or doing chores for family members. Negative reinforcement consequences could include a writing assignment about appropriate ways to show anger and frustration or doing extra chores around the house.

9. Remove the youngster to a separate area. If a verbal prompt does not work, put him in his bedroom, the den, the basement, the garage or in the yard. Let him vent his anger in a space away from the rest of the family. This protects the rest of the family from being hurt or attacked. Tell him he is welcome to join the family when he is calm and after he has cleaned up anything he may have thrown or broken.

10. Take of yourself. Stressed-out, burned-out parents are not usually very patient or understanding.

11. Use verbal prompts. With some kids, potential aggression comes with noticeable signs: agitation, clenching of hands, tears, yelling or pushing into another individual's personal space. A verbal prompt, provided early enough in an aggression cycle, might thwart the aggression. Use a statement acknowledging increased anger or frustration, followed with a suggestion to take deep breaths or sit quietly and count. Ask a question as to which of two solutions might help the youngster calm down.

12. Walk away. If an aggressive youngster continues to escalate, in spite of verbal prompts or removal to another room, disengage and walk outside or to another room in the house. Aggression is fueled by the interaction of argument, continued engagement and an audience. Remove yourself from the scene of the aggression and the aggressive activity often stops. Stay away long enough for the youngster to calm herself.

If your son seems to be unusually aggressive for longer than a few weeks, and you cannot cope with his behavior on your own, consult your doctor. Other warning signs include:

• Attacks on you or other adults
• Being sent home or barred from play by neighbors or school
• Physical injury to himself or others (teeth marks, bruises, head injuries)
• Your own fear for the safety of those around him

The most important warning sign is the frequency of outbursts. Sometimes kids with conduct disorders will go for several days or a week or two without incident, and may even act quite charming during this time, but few can go an entire month without getting into trouble at least once.

Your doctor can suggest ways to discipline your youngster and will help you determine if he has a true conduct disorder. If this is the problem, you probably will not be able to resolve it on your own, and your doctor will advise appropriate mental health intervention.

The doctor or other mental health specialist will interview both you and your son and may observe your youngster in different situations (home, preschool, with adults and other kids). A behavior-management program will be outlined. Not all methods work on all kids, so there will be a certain amount of trial and reassessment.

Once several effective ways are found to reward good behavior and discourage bad, they can be used in establishing an approach that works both at home and away. The progress may be slow, but such programs usually are successful if started when the disorder is just beginning to develop.

==> Parenting Strategies for Children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder