Children and Alcohol Drinking

Research has shown that nearly 80% of high school children have tried alcohol.

As much as moms and dads may not like to think about it, the truth is that many children and adolescents try alcohol during their high school and college years, long before it's legal for them to drink it. Research has shown that nearly 80% of high school children have tried alcohol.

Although experimentation with alcohol may be common among children, it's not safe or legal. So it's important to start discussing alcohol use and abuse with your children at an early age and keep talking about it as they grow up.

Alcohol interferes with a child's perception of reality and ability to make good decisions. This can be particularly hazardous for children and adolescents who have less problem-solving and decision-making experience.

Short-term effects of drinking include:

• altered perceptions and emotions
• bad breath
• distorted vision, hearing, and coordination
• hangovers
• impaired judgment, which can lead to accidents, drowning, and other risky behaviors like unsafe sex and drug use

Long-term effects include:

• an increased risk of impotence
• cirrhosis and cancer of the liver
• heart and central nervous system damage
• high risk for overdosing
• loss of appetite
• memory loss
• serious vitamin deficiencies
• stomach ailments

Long before your children are presented with a chance to drink alcohol, you can increase the chances that they'll just say "no." Childhood is a time of learning and discovery, so it's important to encourage children to ask questions, even ones that might be hard to answer. Open, honest, age-appropriate communication now sets the stage for your children to come to you later with other difficult topics or problems.

The later elementary school years are a crucial time in which you can influence your youngster's decisions about alcohol use. Children at this age tend to love to learn facts, especially strange ones, and are eager to learn how things work and what sources of information are available to them. So it's a good time to openly discuss facts about alcohol: its long- and short-term effects and consequences, its physical effects, and why it's especially dangerous for growing bodies.

Children also can be heavily influenced by friends now. Their interests may be determined by what their peers think. So teach your youngster to say "no" to peer-pressure, and discuss the importance of thinking and acting as an individual.

Casual discussions about alcohol and peers can take place at the dinner table as part of your normal conversation: "I've been reading about young children using alcohol. Do you ever hear about children using alcohol or other drugs in your school?"

By the adolescent years, your children should know the facts about alcohol and your attitudes and beliefs about substance abuse. So use this time to reinforce what you've already taught them and focus on keeping the lines of communication open.

Adolescents are more likely to engage in risky behaviors, and their increasing need for independence may make them want to defy their moms and dads' wishes or instructions. But if you make your adolescent feel accepted and respected as an individual, you increase the chances that your youngster will try to be open with you.

Children want to be liked and accepted by their friends, and they need a certain degree of privacy and trust. Avoid excessive preaching and threats, and instead, emphasize your love and concern. Even when they're annoyed by parental interest and questions, adolescents still recognize that it comes with the territory.

Teach children a variety of approaches to deal with offers of alcohol:

• Encourage them to ask questions. If a drink of any kind is offered, they should ask, "What is it?" and "Where did you get it?"
• Remind them to leave any uncomfortable situation. Make sure they have money for transportation or a phone number where you or another responsible adult can be reached.
• Teach children never to accept a ride from someone who has been drinking. Some moms and dads find that offering to pick up their children from an uncomfortable situation — no questions asked — helps encourage children to be honest and call when they need help.
• Teach them to say "no, thanks" when the drink offered is an alcoholic one.

Times of transition, such as the onset of puberty or a moms and dads' divorce, can lead children to alcohol use. So teach your children that even when life is upsetting or stressful, drinking alcohol as an escape can make a bad situation much worse.

Children who have problems with self-control or low self-esteem are more likely to abuse alcohol. They may not believe that they can handle their problems and frustrations without using something to make them feel better.

Children without a sense of connectedness with their families or who feel different in some way (appearance, economic circumstances, etc.) may also be at risk. Those who find it hard to believe in themselves desperately need the love and support of moms and dads or other family members.

In fact, not wanting to harm the relationships between themselves and the adults who care about them is the most common reason that young people give for not using alcohol and other drugs.

Fortunately, moms and dads can do much to protect their children from using and abusing alcohol:

• Be a good role model. Consider how your use of alcohol or medications may influence your children. Consider offering only nonalcoholic beverages at parties and other social events to show your children that you don't need to drink to have fun.
• Educate yourself about alcohol so you can be a better teacher. Read and collect information that you can share with children and other moms and dads.
• Teach children to manage stress in healthy ways, such as by seeking help from a trusted adult or engaging in a favorite activity.
• Try to be conscious of how you can help build your youngster's self-esteem. For example, children are more likely to feel good about themselves if you emphasize their strengths and positively reinforce healthy behaviors.

Despite your efforts, your youngster may still use — and abuse — alcohol. How can you tell?

Here are some common warning signs:

• alcohol disappearing from your home
• association with a new group of friends and reluctance to introduce them to you
• change in attendance or performance at school
• depression and developmental difficulties
• discipline problems at school
• loss of interest in school, sports, or other activities
• secrecy
• sudden change in mood or attitude
• the odor of alcohol
• withdrawal from family and friends

It's important not to jump to conclusions based on only one or two signs. Adolescence is a time of change — physically, socially, emotionally, and intellectually. This can lead to erratic behavior and mood swings as children try to cope with all of these changes.

If your youngster is using alcohol, there will usually be a cluster of these signs, like changes in friends, behavior, dress, attitude, mood, and grades. If you see a number of changes, look for all explanations by talking to your children, but don't overlook substance abuse as a possibility.

Other tips to try:

• Always make sure you have a phone number where you can reach your youngster.
• Have children check in regularly when they're away from home.
• Keep tabs on where your children go.
• Know the moms and dads of your youngster's friends.
• When spending an extended length of time away from you, your youngster should check in periodically with a phone call, e-mail, or visit home.

For adolescents, especially those old enough to drive, consider negotiating and signing a behavioral contract. This contract should spell out the way you expect your youngster to behave and state the consequences if your adolescent drives under the influence. Follow through and take the keys away, if necessary.

Make part of the deal with your adolescent that you and the rest of your family also agree never to drink and drive. Also encourage responsible behaviors, such as planning for a designated driver or calling an adult for help rather than driving under the influence.

It's important to keep communication open and expectations reasonable. Tying responsible actions to freedoms such as a later curfew or a driver's license can be a powerful motivator. Teach your children that freedom only comes with responsibility — a lesson that should last a lifetime.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens

Being a Stepfather: How to Make it Work

This article will show men how to be good stepfathers...

Becoming a stepfather by blending families or marrying someone with children can be a rewarding and fulfilling experience. If you've never had children, you'll get the opportunity to share your life with a child and help to shape his/her character. If you have children, you'll offer them more opportunities to build relationships and establish a special bond that only siblings can have.

In some cases, your new family members may get along without a hitch, but other times you can expect difficulties along the way. Figuring out your role as a stepfather — aside from the day-to-day responsibilities that come with it — also may lead to confusion or even conflict between you and your spouse, your spouse's ex-husband, and their children.

While there is no foolproof formula for creating the "perfect" family, it's important to approach this new situation with patience and understanding for the feelings of those involved.

Here's how to make things easier as you adapt to your new role:

Start Slow—

The initial role of a stepfather is that of another caring adult in a youngster's life, similar to a loving mentor. You may desire a closer bond right away, and might wonder what you're doing wrong if your new stepchild doesn't warm up to you or your children as quickly as you'd like — but relationships need time to grow.

Start out slow and try not to rush into things. Let things develop naturally — children can tell when grow-ups are being fake or insincere. Over time, you can develop a deeper, more meaningful relationship with your stepchildren, which doesn't necessarily have to resemble the one they share with their birth parents.

Stepfamily Stages—

1. Fantasy Stage-- Family members are on their best behavior. This is the "Brady Bunch" period. Everyone imagines they will love one another. Everyone envisions one big happy family living happily ever after.

2. Confusion Stage-- Tension grows. Happiness begins to slip away. Differences begin to emerge. The romance seems to disappear.

3. Conflict Stage-- Anger starts to erupt. Family members realize their needs are not being met. Arguments begin. Feelings start to come out. Hopefully, negotiations and honest communication also can begin.

4. Comfort Stage-- Family members start to relax. Members begin to feel hope for their future together. Communication is deeper and bonds solidify.

Factors That Affect Your Relationship—

Kids who are mourning the loss of a deceased parent or the separation or divorce of their birth parents may need time to heal before they can fully accept you as a new parent.

For those whose birth parents are still alive, remarriage may mean the end of hope that their parents will reunite. Even if it has been several years since the separation, children often hang onto that hope for a long time. From the children' perspective this reality can make them feel angry, hurt, and confused.

Other factors that may affect the transition into step-parenting:

• How long you dated your partner before marriage. Again, there are exceptions but typically if you don't rush into the relationship with your partner, children have a good sense that you are in this for the long haul.

• How long you've known them. Usually, the longer you know the children, the better the relationship. There are exceptions (e.g., if you were friends with the parents before they separated and are blamed for the break-up), but in most cases having a history together makes the transition a little smoother.

• How much time the children spend with you. Trying to bond with children every other weekend — when they want quality time with a birth parent they don't see as often as they'd like — can be a difficult way to make friends with your new stepchildren. Remember to put their needs first. If children want time with their birth parent, they should get it. So sometimes making yourself scarce can help smooth the path to a better relationship in the long run.

• How old the children are. When it comes to adjusting and forming new relationships, younger children generally have an easier time than older children.

• How well the person you marry gets along with her ex-spouse. This is a critical factor. Minimal conflict and open communication between ex-spouses can make a big difference regarding how easily children accept you as their stepfather. It's much easier for children to transition to new living arrangements when adults keep negative comments out of earshot.

Knowing ahead of time what situations may become problematic as you bring new family members together can help you prepare so that, if complications arise, you can handle them with an extra dose of patience and grace.

Emotions Commonly Experienced by Stepchildren—

• Jealousy— It is very hard for kids to share a parent with a newcomer. It is hard to share their space, their house, and their possessions. The remarried parent is often distracted and energized by a new spouse. The child may not generate this sort of energy and knows it.

• Guilt— Many kids of all ages blame themselves for their parents' divorce. They do not have an adult perspective. They have to try to understand the cause of a divorce with very limited insight and information. So they turn to what they do know - that their parents used to argue, often about parenting the kids. Saddled with this knowledge, kids feel guilty and responsible. Also, if a child likes a new stepmother or stepfather, the child may experience guilt at feeling "disloyal" to an absent biological mother or father.

• Grief— Remarriage only happens after a loss. The kids have lost one of the parents in their household through divorce or death. It is natural for them to be grieving. Their grief may not look like the grief of an adult. It may look more like irritating or distracted behavior.

• Fear— Kids have already suffered a major loss - the loss of a parent, of family stability - over which they've had no control. They may fear losing another parent. They may fear they will not fit into this new family.

Steps to Great Step-parenting—

All moms and dads face difficulties now and then. But when you're a stepfather, those obstacles are compounded by the fact that you are not the birth parent — this can open up power struggles within the family, whether it's from the children, your spouse's ex, or even your spouse.

When times get tough, however, putting children' needs first can help you make good decisions. Here's how:

• Be solid. Stepkids can be real arrow-throwers. They look for a chink in the armor of the new stepparent's integrity. Keep yours intact, and little by little, they'll most likely come to respect you. Being on good behavior doesn't mean you can't have fun or joke around, but paying attention to your actions can help you avoid getting improperly tagged by your young critics.

• Create new family traditions. Find special activities to do with your stepchildren, but be sure to get their feedback. Some new family traditions could include board game nights, bike riding together, cooking, doing crafts, or even playing quick word games in the car. The key is to have fun together, not to try to win their love — children are smart and will quickly figure out if you're trying to force a relationship.

• Don't try to be bio-dad. One huge complaint by stepkids is ambiguity about the status of a stepparent. Trying to get them to call you "dad" right off the bat is in bad form. Instead, try actually treating them normally for a while, like anyone else you might happen to share a roof with, and see how things develop.

• Don't use children as messengers or go-betweens. Try not to question children about what's happening in the other household — they'll resent it when they feel that they're being asked to "spy" on another parent. Wherever possible, communicate directly with your spouse about relevant matters, such as scheduling, visitation, health issues, or school problems. Online custody calendars make this process a little easier because moms and dads can note visitation days and share this information with each other via the Internet.

• Give it time. As people live together, they learn to relate. It's not that you should be distant, but take the progress in increments. Give the children breathing room; they do a lot of their adaptation by "figuring things out" which they can't do with a stepdad "in their business." Let them alone for their own bedroom-introspection time (even if it coincides with meals), and wait for them to adjust themselves to new realities.

• House rules matter. Keep your house rules as consistent as possible for all children, whether they're your children from a previous relationship, your spouse's children from a previous relationship, or new kids you have had together. Kids and adolescents will have different rules, but they should be consistently applied at all times. This helps children adjust to transitions, like moving to a new house or welcoming a new baby, and helps them feel that all children in your home are treated equally. If children are dealing with two very different sets of rules in each home, it may be time for an adults-only family meeting — otherwise children can learn to "work the system" for short-term gain but long-term problems.

• Love their mom. Maybe the overall measurement used by stepkids is your care and support for their previously single mother. She took care of them all by herself, and showing respect for that goes a long way. Being good to mom can mean the difference between a sound family structure and an all-out war at home.

• Make compromises. A good part of stepparent/stepchild relations is obviously territorial. Any attempt to "come into" the house and enforce ultimatums will probably be met with absolute scorn by anyone between the ages of 13 to 21. Even if you do pay the bills, it was their roof first. Be sensitive in your dealing; suggest and encourage rather than drawing lines in the sand.

• Put needs, not wants, first. Children need love, affection, and consistent rules above all else. Giving them toys or treats, especially if they're not earned with good grades or behavior, can lead to a situation where you feel like you're trading gifts for love. Similarly, if you feel guilty for treating your biological children differently from your stepchildren, don't buy gifts to make up for it. Do you best to figure out how to treat them more equally.

• Respect all parents. When a spouse's ex is deceased, it's important to be sensitive to and honor that person. If you and your spouse share custody with the birth parent, try to be courteous and compassionate in your interactions with each other. Never say negative things about the birth parent in front of the children. Doing so often backfires and children get angry with the parent making the remarks. No youngster likes to hear their moms and dads criticized, even if he or she is complaining about them to you.

• Talk to your spouse. Communication between you and your spouse is important so that you can make parenting decisions together. This is especially crucial if you each have different notions on parenting and discipline. If you're new to parenting as a stepfather, ask your spouse what would be the best way to get to know the children. Use resources to find out what children of different ages are interested in — and don't forget to ask them.

No matter what the circumstances of your new family, chances are there'll be some bumps along the way. But don't give up trying to make things work — even if things started off a little rocky, they still can improve as you and your new family members get to know each other better.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents and Step-Parents

How to Stop Truancy: 60 Tips for Parents

Truancy is a problem for every country with compulsory schooling, especially for kids between 12 and the age of leaving school. Views differ on the best way to deal with truancy. Some say truants need encouragement and special support, others that they should be punished to force them into the classroom. Some argue that many kids need more practical (vocational) lessons and work experience to get them ready for jobs, and that this would reduce truanting. But very often the moms and dads are blamed for not making the kids go to school.

Dealing with truancy is not fun for the parent, teacher or school administrator, but it is a necessary part of modern education. Unchecked truancy often results in legal problems for the child, but it can also affect parents as well. Avoid these unnecessary and unpleasant situations by (a) getting to know the issue, (b) getting to know your youngster, and (c) getting to know your youngster’s school in order to more effectively fight truancy.

Here are 60 ways to get your child to attend school on a regular basis:

1. Take an active interest in your kid’s schoolwork. Ask them to demonstrate what they learned in school. Know the kids your youngster associates with.

2. Ask your youngster her thoughts on truancy.

3. Volunteer to be a mentor and help kids address needs not currently supported in school such as music, athletics, the arts, or even poetry.

4. Look for early signs of a youngster’s decision that school is not worthwhile. Monitor changes in friendships, teachers, or classrooms or even the loss of a pet or family member. All of these things contribute to reasons why kids dread going to school.

5. Prepare your youngster for school with required supplies and clothes. If you need assistance, contact your local social services agency.

6. Regularly contact the school office to make sure your youngster is attending school. Check in with his or her teachers on a regular basis. Make random visits to your youngster’s classroom to observe.

7. Encourage your youngster to take an active role in the school by joining clubs or participating in sports. Teach them when and how to ask for help.

8. Ask your youngster how you can help. Think about what situations he or she might face and talk about ways to handle these situations before they occur.

9. Consider counseling in you, the parent, cannot resolve the issue on your own.

10. Contact the administrator of the school, or the school district administrator responsible for attendance or truancy. Learn the school district’s supervisory chain of command, and try to resolve the problem at the level closest to the student involved.

11. Contact the local juvenile court that manages the truancy petition process. Determine how your youngster’s situation fits the attendance and truancy policies and procedures.

12. Coordinate with the school. Parents can't do it alone. Whether it's arranging to have someone meet the parent on the playground to escort the youngster into school, or trying to ease the amount of makeup work, it's crucial that the school plays a role in integrating the youngster into the classroom.

13. Create a contract, set some boundaries, and make it more worth his while to go to school.

14. Seek other parents or older kids who are willing to help you and your youngster with homework. Make your home the homework center or develop a telephone tree to make help available to all neighborhood kids and their parents.

15. Discuss with your youngster the reasons she has been truant.

16. Don’t arrange homebound teaching.

17. Don’t ask for a change of teacher or classes.

18. Don’t excuse your youngster from school.

19. Don’t focus on your youngster’s anxiety.

20. Don’t give mixed messages by giving in sometimes.

21. Don’t suddenly change expectations as new demands will precipitate anxiety.

22. Don’t tell your youngster that he/she does not have to participate in school activities or does not have to attend school at all.

23. Drop your youngster at school in the morning and watching him enter the building.

24. Understand what your youngster is expected to learn at each grade level. Contact your state department of education, school district, or school for a copy of the standards and school attendance policies. Find out what goals your youngster’s teacher has for the year and how your youngster will be graded.

25. Encourage your youngster to develop outside interests.

26. Establish a carpool.

27. Get support for yourself.

28. Give the consistent message, “You will go to school.”

29. Have consistent expectations. Relaxing the rules for even one assignment or day can give a mixed message. Make sure that all your kids live up to the same standards.

30. Investigate what's going on at school. If it's an issue of bullying, parents need to find out what's really going on. Once parents know whether the youngster's complaint is a valid one, it's easier to work with the youngster around the issue, both in and outside of school.

31. Look for alternatives. If your youngster tells you he or she is bored at school, pursue support outside the school such as music lessons, sports clubs, neighborhood or church-related youth groups, or mentors. Seek out and enroll your youngster in a tutoring program, if necessary.

32. Maintain your routine. Stick to a regular schedule for homework, bedtime, and waking up.

33. Make it less fun to be at home. If your youngster knows he can sit at home and play video games during the school day, the incentive to stay home is greater than the incentive to be at school.

34. Make school relevant. Push for activities where students can take part in their own learning by developing projects to address community needs.

35. Look for negative behavior changes such as alcohol use or staying out late. Seek a counselor if your youngster’s behavior becomes, distant, withdrawn, anxious, depressed, delinquent or aggressive.

36. Obtain a copy of the district's policies and procedures regarding attendance and truancy. Attendance and truancy information is often contained in the student conduct section of a district’s policy manual, and is likely to be found in the Student Handbook issued by many schools. Some school districts place their policies on their Web sites.

37. Outline the punishments you will enforce if he engages in truancy.

38. Parents should identify the issue, make a plan, and stick to their guns. Once the youngster has overcome his fear of school, he'll probably thank you.

39. Sign up and attend parenting education programs. This is a great place to learn new techniques and to share what you have learned.

40. Plan visits to the doctor or dentist after the school day ends. If you must take an appointment during the school day, allow the youngster to miss only time needed for that appointment.

41. Always talk with the school before you plan your holiday or vacation.

42. Reward good attendance. However, keeping your youngster out of school for his or her birthday is not acceptable.

43. When your child skips a class, react immediately by insisting that your youngster attend school.

44. Read a story about how a boy or girl overcomes or copes with a fear related to school attendance.

45. Reassure the youngster that she can handle it.

46. Request meetings with teachers, if needed.

47. Rule out any medical conditions.

48. Set a time for your youngster to go to bed, wake up, have a healthy breakfast, arrive at school, and complete his/her homework. Monitor things in your home such as family routines that may prevent you or your youngster from keeping to the schedule.

49. Speak to other parents and guardians who have experienced the same issues and problems. This can be a great way to get valuable advice and information.

50. Insist that all community agencies—social workers, school counselors, or juvenile officers—work together to develop a coordinated plan of support for your youngster.

51. Seek outside assistance if necessary.

52. Set a baseline expectation. Having a youngster in school for any amount of time is better than having him at home. Though a youngster may only come to school for only an hour, or sit in the lobby all day, it's a lot easier to get them back into the regular classroom from that point.

53. Talk to your kids about the role education plays in future/ life success. Let them know that you do not approve of them missing school. Refuse to write an excuse for unacceptable reasons. Review acceptable and unacceptable behavior with your youngster.

54. Talk to neighbors about your youngster’s behaviors and activities. Set up a neighborhood watch or patrol to ensure that all kids go to school every day. Exchange numbers in case you need to reach a parent quickly.

55. Know the school’s attendance policy, the time school starts, the difference between an excused and unexcused absence, and share the information with your youngster.

56. Be sure that your youngster knows if he or she skips school, there will be consequences to pay such as losing television or video game time, limiting time with friends, or the loss of other privileges.

57. Talk with your youngster about acceptable and unacceptable behavior and grades. Discuss homework rules and school attendance.

58. Tell him your views on truancy.

59. Vote in local school board elections and voice your opinion about what is working or not working in schools.

60. Work as a team with the school and community.

=> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents