How Should I Discuss "Puberty" With My Child?

Today, children are exposed to so much information about sex and relationships on TV and the Internet that by the time they approach puberty, they may be familiar with some advanced ideas. And yet, talking about the issues of puberty remains an important job for moms and dads because not all of a youngster's information comes from reliable sources.

Don't wait for your youngster to come to you with questions about his or her changing body — that day may never arrive, especially if your youngster doesn't know it's OK talk to you about this sensitive topic.

Ideally, as a mother or father, you've already started talking to your youngster about the changes our bodies go through as we grow. Since the toddler years, children have questions and most of your discussions probably come about as the result of your youngster's inquiries.

It's important to answer these questions about puberty honestly and openly — but don't always wait for your youngster to initiate a discussion. By the time children are 8 years old, they should know what physical and emotional changes are associated with puberty. That may seem young, but consider this: some females are wearing training bras by then and some males' voices begin to change just a few years later.

With females, it's vital that moms and dads talk about menstruation before they actually get their periods. If they are unaware of what's happening, females can be frightened by the sight and location of blood. Most females get their first period when they're 12 or 13 years old, which is about two or two and a half years after they begin puberty. But some get their periods as early as age 9 and others get it as late as age 16.

On average, males begin going through puberty a little later than females, usually around age 11 or 12. But they may begin to develop sexually or have their first ejaculation without looking older or developing facial hair first.

Just as it helps grown-ups to know what to expect with changes such as moving to a new home or working for a new company, children should know about puberty beforehand.

Many children receive some sex education at school. Often, though, the lessons are segregated, and the females hear primarily about menstruation and training bras while the males hear about erections and changing voices. It's important that females learn about the changes males go through and males learn about those affecting females, so check with educators about their lesson plans so you know what gaps need to be filled. It's a good idea to review the lessons with your youngster, since children often still have questions about certain topics.

When talking to children about puberty, it's important to offer reassurance that these changes are normal. Puberty brings about so many changes. It's easy for a youngster to feel insecure, and as if he or she is the only one experiencing these changes.

Many times, teens will express insecurity about their appearance as they go through puberty, but it can help them to know that everyone goes through the same things and that there's a huge amount of normal variation in their timing. Acne, mood changes, growth spurts, and hormonal changes — it's all part of growing up and everyone goes through it, but not always at the same pace.

Females may begin puberty as early as second or third grade, and it can be upsetting if your daughter is the first one to get a training bra, for example. She may feel alone and awkward or like all eyes are on her in the school locker room.

With males, observable changes include the cracking and then deepening of the voice, and the growth of facial hair. And just as with females, if your son is an early bloomer, he may feel awkward or like he's the subject of stares from his classmates.

Children should know the following about puberty:

• A female's period may last 3 days to a week, and she can use sanitary napkins (pads) or tampons to absorb the blood.
• Both females and males have a growth spurt.
• Both females and males often get acne and start to sweat more.
• Males grow facial hair and their muscles get bigger
• Males' penises and testicles grow larger.
• Males sometimes have wet dreams, which means they ejaculate in their sleep.
• Males' voices change and become deeper.
• Females and males get pubic hair and underarm hair, and their leg hair becomes thicker and darker.
• Females become more rounded, especially in the hips and legs.
• Females' breasts begin to swell and then grow, sometimes one faster than the other
• When a female begins menstruating, once a month, her uterine lining fills with blood in preparation for a fertilized egg. If the egg isn't fertilized, she will have a period. If it is fertilized, she will become pregnant.

Not surprisingly, children usually have lots of questions as they learn about puberty. For you, it's important to make sure you give your youngster the time and opportunity to ask questions — and answer them as honestly and thoroughly as possible.

Some common questions are:

• I'm a male, so why am I getting breasts? Some males experience temporary breast growth during puberty. The condition, called gynecomastia, is caused by changing hormone levels during puberty. It usually disappears, often within a few months to a couple of years.

• What is this hard lump in my breast? Females may notice small, sometimes tender, lumps beneath their nipples as their breasts are beginning to develop. This is perfectly normal. The firmness and tenderness will go away in time as the breasts continue to enlarge.

• Why are my breasts so small (or so large)? Breast size is different from person to person, and your daughter needs to be reassured that, big or small, all breasts are beautiful. It can be hard for females to appreciate this since they develop at different times and rates. The size and shape of your daughter’s breasts will change as she continues to develop. But in the end, size won't affect your daughter's attractiveness or her ability to breastfeed if she becomes a mother someday.

• Why don't I have pubic hair yet? Everyone develops pubic hair, although some teens get it later than others. Just as with breast size or height, the amount or thickness of pubic hair is an individual trait.

• Why haven't I gotten my period yet? As with all of the changes in puberty, periods come at different times for different females. Females usually don't get their periods until 2 or 2½ years after starting puberty, so if your daughter started puberty later than other females, she will probably get her period later than other females as well. Some females may not get their periods until they're 16. This is usually normal, although it can be tough for them when all of their friends have already gotten their periods.

• Why is my penis so small (or so large)? With males, the focus can be on the penis. Since not all males develop at the same time or rate, your son may feel like he is too big or too small. His size will change as he continues to develop. Penises come in different sizes and shapes, but there are a lot less differences in size when penises are erect than when they’re not.

Let your youngster know that you're available any time to talk, but it's also important that you make time to talk. As embarrassing or difficult it may be for you to talk about these sensitive topics, your youngster will likely feel even more uncomfortable. As a mother or father, it's your job to try to discuss puberty — and the feelings associated with those changes — as openly as possible.

It can be made easier if you're confident that you know the subject matter. First, before you answer your youngster's questions, make sure your own questions have been answered. If you're not entirely comfortable having a conversation about puberty, practice what you want to say first or ask your youngster's doctor for advice. Let your youngster know that it may be a little uncomfortable to discuss, but it's an important talk to have.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When and How to Ignore Misbehavior

When your youngster misbehaves, are you sometimes unsure how to react? Do you ever wonder whether it’s better to put an immediate stop to the bad behavior, or just ignore it altogether? You’re not alone. Most moms and dads face this dilemma. They’re not certain if it’s worth the trouble to confront the behavior rather than simply ride it out – and they worry that their attempt to change the behavior may only encourage more of it.

To preserve parental sanity, sometimes you will need to run a tight ship in certain situations. In other areas, you will need to be more lax. Wise parents learn to ignore “minors” and concentrate on “majors.” A “minor” is a behavior that’s irritating, but doesn't harm humans, animals, or property – and even if uncorrected, does not lead to a “major.” This type of behavior-problem will most often correct itself with time and maturity. “Selective ignoring” helps your youngster learn to respect the limits of a parent's job description (e.g., "I don't do petty arguments").

One evening, two 8-year-olds were playing in their front yard, and they got into an argument over who was going to hide first in a game of hide-and-seek. No one was getting hurt. They tried to drag their father into the drama. He simply said, "You boys are too big to act like little kids. What difference does it make who hides first. I'm not getting involved." Then he walked away. The children got the point and settled the problem themselves.

As it turns out, the best course of action depends on the nature of the behavior problem. To help you determine your response, here are three questions you can ask yourself (your answers will help you decide whether it’s wisest to ignore your child’s behavior, or to take action):

• Is it bothering other people?
• Is it undermining your authority?
• Is this behavior dangerous to your youngster or someone else?

Let’s apply these questions to two different scenarios:

Scenario #1— Your next-door neighbor has gone on vacation for the week, so no one is home at the time. Your 6-year-old son decides to jump the fence and play with the dog in this neighbor’s backyard.

Now, ask yourself the three questions:

1. Is it bothering other people? Potentially. Home-owners typically don’t like people on their property while they’re gone.
2. Is it undermining your authority? Yes. He didn’t ask permission to go over there.
3. Is this behavior dangerous? Potentially. There’s nobody over there to monitor your child’s activities.

Scenario #2— Your family has decided to go out to eat for dinner. Your child declares he only wants macaroni and cheese – nothing else! Despite your best efforts, your child refuses to consider any other food item on the menu and begins to whine and pout. Should you continue trying to persuade him to eat something more substantial?

Again, ask yourself the three questions:

1. Is it bothering other people? No. He’s not screaming, after all.
2. Is it undermining your authority? Not really.
3. Is the whining and pouting dangerous? No.

In this case, it’s best to ignore the behavior. By doing so, you don’t reward your child’s poor behavior with your attention. Instead, simply place your order and go ahead with the meal. When your child stops whining and pouting, you can order for him. If he doesn’t stop, he misses out on a good meal, in which case he doesn’t have to eat the dreaded green beans that he was not in the mood for – but he also doesn’t get the mac n’ cheese. This technique may strike some parents as a bit harsh, but it works. Kids quickly learn that they can’t manipulate their moms and dads with whining and pouting.

You will discover that harmless (yet annoying) behaviors occur less frequently as your tolerance-level widens and as your reactions don't reinforce the child's misbehavior. It's helpful to get some practice in “selective ignoring” during the early years of your kid's life to prepare you for the challenges yet to come (e.g., a teen’s unconventional dress and hairstyles, loud music, and moody behaviors).

NOTE: Ignoring undesirable behaviors works best if you often praise desirable behaviors. Also, ignore the misbehavior, not the child.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

USING PRAISE: How to Avoid the Pitfalls

Every parent has heard about how important “praising a child’s good behavior” is. But not all parents know how to effectively use this parenting tool. Here are some of the DOs and DON’Ts when it comes to the use of praise:

1. As an exercise in praise-giving, write down how many times you “praised” and how many times you “disapproved of” your youngster in the last 24 hours. We will call these approvals versus disapprovals. If your approvals don't significantly outnumber your disapprovals, you are molding your youngster in the wrong direction.

2. Before you praise, try to read your youngster's body language to see whether the youngster feels the job is praiseworthy: "Dad, look at my math assignment I did at school today …I got a 'B+'." If he approaches you enthusiastically, displaying his assignment for all to see, this youngster deserves praise that shares his excitement. If he pulls the paper out of his schoolbag and tosses it on the floor, praise may not be in order at this time.

3. Don’t use praise with a hidden agenda. For example, if you tell your daughter that you really like her purple sweater (but you’re saying this because you hate the low-cut blouse she has on), your daughter may see right through your praise and discount it immediately – and to make matters worse, she may not trust future praises that come out of your mouth.

4. Excessive praise will give kids the message that obedience and good behavior are optional. It's better to give your youngster the message that he is doing exactly what you expect, not something out of the ordinary. Kids are programmed to meet your expectations. Sometimes all that is needed for you to break a negative cycle is to expect good behavior. Treat them as if they really are going to choose right. When moms and dads don't expect obedience, they generally don't get it.

5. For quick praises, try "Great job!" or "Way to go!" or "Yesss!" To avoid the "I'm valued by my performance" trap, acknowledge the act and let the youngster conclude the act is praiseworthy. If you praise every other move the youngster makes, she will either get addicted to praise, or wonder why you are so desperate to make her feel good about herself. Be realistic. You don't have to praise, or even acknowledge, things she just does for the joy of it, for her own reasons.

6. Kids with weak self-worth have difficulty giving and receiving compliments. They are so hung up on how they imagine the receiver will take their compliment that they clam up …and they feel so unworthy of any compliment that they shrug off the compliment and ignore the person giving the compliment. If you are like that as a person, learn to give and take a compliment yourself so that you can model this to your youngster.

7. Making-up fake accolades is a ‘no-no’. The youngster will see through them and begin to question even genuine praise.

8. Molding your child’s behavior through praise works well if you have a specific behavior goal that you want to reach (e.g., stopping complaining). Initially, you may feel like you are acknowledging nearly every good behavior your child exhibits (e.g., "I like your positive attitude"). Eventually, as the complaining subsides, the immediate need for praise lessens (of course, a booster shot is needed for relapses) and you move on to molding another behavior.

9. Pay attention to the “when-things-are-not-going-wrong” moments. For example, when the house is quite and everybody is doing exactly what they should be doing, acknowledge their “lack of bad behavior” with praise.

10. Praise the behavior, not the person. Praise like "good boy" risks misinterpretation and is best reserved for training your dog. These labels are too heavy for some kids. ("If I don't do well, does that mean I'm bad?") Better is: "You did a good job cleaning your room." "That's a good decision." The youngster will see that the praise is sincere since you made the effort to be specific – it shows that you're paying attention.

11. Praises lose their punch if you freely hand them out for usual and expected behavior, but when the youngster who habitually has a tantrum finally responds appropriately, that's praiseworthy.

12. Simply acknowledge expected behavior, rather than pouring on praise. Acknowledgment is dispassionate praise that molds a youngster to please himself rather than perform for approval.

13. Teach your youngster to be comfortable giving and receiving compliments. Tell your youngster, "What a strong boy you are" or "How cute you look in those shoes!" Eye and body contact during your delivery reinforces the sincerity of your acknowledgment. Make sure you're sincere. When you hear your kids complimenting one another, compliment yourself for your modeling.

14. Change the delivery of your praises. As you pass by the open door of the cleaner room, say: "Good job!" Show with body language a thumbs-up signal for the youngster who dresses himself. Written praises are great for large families. They show extra care. Private praises help, too. Leave little "nice job" notes on pillows, yellow "post-its" on homework, messages that convey that you noticed and that you are pleased.

15. While appropriately-used praise can mold behavior, it's not the only way to reinforce good behavior. In some ways it's superficial. Praise is an external motivator. The ultimate goal of discipline is self-discipline—inner motivation. For example, you may praise good grades and always motivate your kids by planting the idea that good grades are one ticket to success. But you should always temper your praise with "How do you feel about your report card? We want you to get good grades mainly because it makes you happy." When possible, turn the focus back on the youngster's feelings. You will achieve the best results with praise by setting the conditions that help kids know how and when to praise themselves.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents