Teaching Children That Choices Have Consequences

Experiencing the consequences of his choices is one of the most effective ways a child can learn self-discipline. These lessons really last because they come from real life. Most success in life depends on making wise choices. Being able to think ahead about the positive or negative consequences of an action and choose accordingly is a skill we want our kids to learn.

Building a youngster's natural immunity to bad choices—

Natural consequences are situations that are not controlled by anyone. Kids learn through natural consequences, and parents use natural consequences as teaching points. There are parents that believe in giving children rules and regulations, and then if that child does not follow through, in some cases, he or she receives a natural consequence for their actions. For instance, a house rule might be “no running in the house.” A youngster bumps into another youngster because of running and hurts himself. A parent might want to use the natural consequence to emphasize the reason of the rule and remind the child to follow the rule on the spot. Natural consequences sometimes are more powerful than other discipline strategies since kids learn through their own experiences rather than words being told by someone else.

Natural Consequences represent the natural flow of events without interference of the parent. Natural often deals with the environment and is a direct result of the youngster’s actions. In essence, if it's not morally or physically harmful, let the youngster experience the natural consequence of his/her actions. For example, the youngster who refuses to eat will go hungry or the youngster who does not wear mittens in cold weather has cold hands – and he parents stand aside and do not become involved.

Letting natural consequences teach your youngster to make right choices is a powerful learning tool. Experience is the best teacher: He's careless, he falls; he grabs something hot, he gets burned; he leaves his bicycle in the driveway, it gets stolen. Wise moms and dads protect their kids so they don't get seriously hurt, but do not overprotect to the extent the youngster doesn't learn the consequences of his folly. Some bruises and scrapes along the way are unavoidable and educational.

Kids make poor choices on the way to becoming responsible grown-ups. Kids must experience the consequences of their actions in order to learn from them. Within reason and safe limits, let your child explore, fail, bump, and learn. Expect him to help clean up his messes. Let her experience the penalty for not completing homework by bedtime. After years of small pricks of consequences, the youngster enters the teen years at least partially immunized against bad choices, having had some genuine experience with decision-making. Kids learn better from their own mistakes than from your “preventive lectures.”

Adolescence is a time when the consequences of wrong choices are serious. The youngster who has learned to deal with small problems is more likely to be successful with bigger ones. Being a wise “choice teacher” means keeping a balance between overprotecting your youngster and being negligent ("Let him fall, he'll learn.") In the first case, the youngster enters adolescence with little practice at handling inevitable conflicts and risks. In the second case, the youngster feels no one cares. Either way, there are rough times ahead.

Sometimes the best solution is to offer your youngster guidance, state your opinion, and then back off and let the consequence teach your youngster. Use each consequence as a teachable moment, not an opportunity to gloat. Avoid sentences that begin with "I told you so..." or "If you would have listened to me..." But to be sure that your youngster learns these little lessons of life, and talk through each situation. Replay the tape so that your youngster gets the point that choices count, and his actions affect what happens. You want your youngster to realize that he is happier and his life runs more smoothly when he makes wise, though perhaps not easy, choices. Let the consequence speak for itself. The youngster spills her Coke, and there's no more Coke – without your commentary.

Use logical consequences to correct—

Besides letting natural consequences teach your youngster, you can set up mother/father-made consequences tailored to have lasting learning value for your youngster. Consequences can be by parental design. For example:

• Child parks his car in the street rather than in the driveway risking having it towed >>> after forewarning is ignored, parent parks the car in the driveway, and the child must pay a towing fee to get his keys back

• Child leaves her toiletries in disarray throughout the bathroom each school morning >>> after forewarning is ignored, parent confiscates all items for a period of time (technique works with clothes and toys as well)

Logical consequences:

• are not used to threaten or intimidate a youngster
• are used as an alternative to punishment strategies such as reprimands or scolding
• are used to help guide kids in the right direction by guiding them to face the results of their behavior
• refer to the actions or responses that are implemented following a youngster’s inappropriate behavior that serve to discourage the youngster from engaging in the behavior again
• should be presented to the youngster as a choice; the youngster may engage in the expected behavior to access an activity, object, person, or material – and the options should be related to the task by being logically linked to the current activity and the resulting action
• should not be used if the youngster does not understand the options and is not able to make a decision about the action to choose
• should result in rapid changes in the youngster’s behavior within the targeted routine or activity; if the problem behavior persists, the parent should think about why the youngster is engaging in the behavior and consider the use of other approaches to assisting the youngster

The process is a learning experience for kids, teaching them that they have responsibility for and control over their own behavior The consequences of their actions are logical because they are clearly related to the youngster’s behavior. Kids usually accept logical consequences when the consequences are framed in a guiding way rather than when they are framed as punishment. Kids learn that the choices they make have consequences, whether positive or negative. They are taught that they are responsible for their own behavior. Logical consequences help guide kids in learning how they are expected to behave in the real world.

When choices are provided to the youngster, they should be stated calmly, clearly, and respectfully. Logical consequences should not be arbitrary, threatening, or punitive. The tone of voice used can mean the difference between logical consequences and punishment. Threats usually tell kids what not to do rather than teach what they can do in order to get what they want. The options that will be used for logical consequences are planned in advance of the situation and presented to the youngster prior to when the undesired behavior is expected to occur. The youngster is made aware of the options and is guided to understand what may result from his or her action.

For the most learning value, balance negative with positive consequences. The youngster who frequently practices the piano gets the thrill of moving through his books quickly and receiving hearty applause at his recital. The youngster who consistently takes care of her bicycle merits a new one when she outgrows it; otherwise, she gets a used one. The youngster who puts his sports equipment away in the same place each time gets the nice feeling of always being able to find his favorite bat or soccer ball.

In these examples, no amount of punishment could have had the lasting teaching value of natural and logical consequences. With punishment, kids see no connection between their behavior and the discipline. With consequences, the youngster makes the connection between the behavior and the results. You plant a lesson of life: ‘take responsibility for your behavior.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How Should I Discuss "Puberty" With My Child?

Today, children are exposed to so much information about sex and relationships on TV and the Internet that by the time they approach puberty, they may be familiar with some advanced ideas. And yet, talking about the issues of puberty remains an important job for moms and dads because not all of a youngster's information comes from reliable sources.

Don't wait for your youngster to come to you with questions about his or her changing body — that day may never arrive, especially if your youngster doesn't know it's OK talk to you about this sensitive topic.

Ideally, as a mother or father, you've already started talking to your youngster about the changes our bodies go through as we grow. Since the toddler years, children have questions and most of your discussions probably come about as the result of your youngster's inquiries.

It's important to answer these questions about puberty honestly and openly — but don't always wait for your youngster to initiate a discussion. By the time children are 8 years old, they should know what physical and emotional changes are associated with puberty. That may seem young, but consider this: some females are wearing training bras by then and some males' voices begin to change just a few years later.

With females, it's vital that moms and dads talk about menstruation before they actually get their periods. If they are unaware of what's happening, females can be frightened by the sight and location of blood. Most females get their first period when they're 12 or 13 years old, which is about two or two and a half years after they begin puberty. But some get their periods as early as age 9 and others get it as late as age 16.

On average, males begin going through puberty a little later than females, usually around age 11 or 12. But they may begin to develop sexually or have their first ejaculation without looking older or developing facial hair first.

Just as it helps grown-ups to know what to expect with changes such as moving to a new home or working for a new company, children should know about puberty beforehand.

Many children receive some sex education at school. Often, though, the lessons are segregated, and the females hear primarily about menstruation and training bras while the males hear about erections and changing voices. It's important that females learn about the changes males go through and males learn about those affecting females, so check with educators about their lesson plans so you know what gaps need to be filled. It's a good idea to review the lessons with your youngster, since children often still have questions about certain topics.

When talking to children about puberty, it's important to offer reassurance that these changes are normal. Puberty brings about so many changes. It's easy for a youngster to feel insecure, and as if he or she is the only one experiencing these changes.

Many times, teens will express insecurity about their appearance as they go through puberty, but it can help them to know that everyone goes through the same things and that there's a huge amount of normal variation in their timing. Acne, mood changes, growth spurts, and hormonal changes — it's all part of growing up and everyone goes through it, but not always at the same pace.

Females may begin puberty as early as second or third grade, and it can be upsetting if your daughter is the first one to get a training bra, for example. She may feel alone and awkward or like all eyes are on her in the school locker room.

With males, observable changes include the cracking and then deepening of the voice, and the growth of facial hair. And just as with females, if your son is an early bloomer, he may feel awkward or like he's the subject of stares from his classmates.

Children should know the following about puberty:

• A female's period may last 3 days to a week, and she can use sanitary napkins (pads) or tampons to absorb the blood.
• Both females and males have a growth spurt.
• Both females and males often get acne and start to sweat more.
• Males grow facial hair and their muscles get bigger
• Males' penises and testicles grow larger.
• Males sometimes have wet dreams, which means they ejaculate in their sleep.
• Males' voices change and become deeper.
• Females and males get pubic hair and underarm hair, and their leg hair becomes thicker and darker.
• Females become more rounded, especially in the hips and legs.
• Females' breasts begin to swell and then grow, sometimes one faster than the other
• When a female begins menstruating, once a month, her uterine lining fills with blood in preparation for a fertilized egg. If the egg isn't fertilized, she will have a period. If it is fertilized, she will become pregnant.

Not surprisingly, children usually have lots of questions as they learn about puberty. For you, it's important to make sure you give your youngster the time and opportunity to ask questions — and answer them as honestly and thoroughly as possible.

Some common questions are:

• I'm a male, so why am I getting breasts? Some males experience temporary breast growth during puberty. The condition, called gynecomastia, is caused by changing hormone levels during puberty. It usually disappears, often within a few months to a couple of years.

• What is this hard lump in my breast? Females may notice small, sometimes tender, lumps beneath their nipples as their breasts are beginning to develop. This is perfectly normal. The firmness and tenderness will go away in time as the breasts continue to enlarge.

• Why are my breasts so small (or so large)? Breast size is different from person to person, and your daughter needs to be reassured that, big or small, all breasts are beautiful. It can be hard for females to appreciate this since they develop at different times and rates. The size and shape of your daughter’s breasts will change as she continues to develop. But in the end, size won't affect your daughter's attractiveness or her ability to breastfeed if she becomes a mother someday.

• Why don't I have pubic hair yet? Everyone develops pubic hair, although some teens get it later than others. Just as with breast size or height, the amount or thickness of pubic hair is an individual trait.

• Why haven't I gotten my period yet? As with all of the changes in puberty, periods come at different times for different females. Females usually don't get their periods until 2 or 2½ years after starting puberty, so if your daughter started puberty later than other females, she will probably get her period later than other females as well. Some females may not get their periods until they're 16. This is usually normal, although it can be tough for them when all of their friends have already gotten their periods.

• Why is my penis so small (or so large)? With males, the focus can be on the penis. Since not all males develop at the same time or rate, your son may feel like he is too big or too small. His size will change as he continues to develop. Penises come in different sizes and shapes, but there are a lot less differences in size when penises are erect than when they’re not.

Let your youngster know that you're available any time to talk, but it's also important that you make time to talk. As embarrassing or difficult it may be for you to talk about these sensitive topics, your youngster will likely feel even more uncomfortable. As a mother or father, it's your job to try to discuss puberty — and the feelings associated with those changes — as openly as possible.

It can be made easier if you're confident that you know the subject matter. First, before you answer your youngster's questions, make sure your own questions have been answered. If you're not entirely comfortable having a conversation about puberty, practice what you want to say first or ask your youngster's doctor for advice. Let your youngster know that it may be a little uncomfortable to discuss, but it's an important talk to have.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When and How to Ignore Misbehavior

When your youngster misbehaves, are you sometimes unsure how to react? Do you ever wonder whether it’s better to put an immediate stop to the bad behavior, or just ignore it altogether? You’re not alone. Most moms and dads face this dilemma. They’re not certain if it’s worth the trouble to confront the behavior rather than simply ride it out – and they worry that their attempt to change the behavior may only encourage more of it.

To preserve parental sanity, sometimes you will need to run a tight ship in certain situations. In other areas, you will need to be more lax. Wise parents learn to ignore “minors” and concentrate on “majors.” A “minor” is a behavior that’s irritating, but doesn't harm humans, animals, or property – and even if uncorrected, does not lead to a “major.” This type of behavior-problem will most often correct itself with time and maturity. “Selective ignoring” helps your youngster learn to respect the limits of a parent's job description (e.g., "I don't do petty arguments").

One evening, two 8-year-olds were playing in their front yard, and they got into an argument over who was going to hide first in a game of hide-and-seek. No one was getting hurt. They tried to drag their father into the drama. He simply said, "You boys are too big to act like little kids. What difference does it make who hides first. I'm not getting involved." Then he walked away. The children got the point and settled the problem themselves.

As it turns out, the best course of action depends on the nature of the behavior problem. To help you determine your response, here are three questions you can ask yourself (your answers will help you decide whether it’s wisest to ignore your child’s behavior, or to take action):

• Is it bothering other people?
• Is it undermining your authority?
• Is this behavior dangerous to your youngster or someone else?

Let’s apply these questions to two different scenarios:

Scenario #1— Your next-door neighbor has gone on vacation for the week, so no one is home at the time. Your 6-year-old son decides to jump the fence and play with the dog in this neighbor’s backyard.

Now, ask yourself the three questions:

1. Is it bothering other people? Potentially. Home-owners typically don’t like people on their property while they’re gone.
2. Is it undermining your authority? Yes. He didn’t ask permission to go over there.
3. Is this behavior dangerous? Potentially. There’s nobody over there to monitor your child’s activities.

Scenario #2— Your family has decided to go out to eat for dinner. Your child declares he only wants macaroni and cheese – nothing else! Despite your best efforts, your child refuses to consider any other food item on the menu and begins to whine and pout. Should you continue trying to persuade him to eat something more substantial?

Again, ask yourself the three questions:

1. Is it bothering other people? No. He’s not screaming, after all.
2. Is it undermining your authority? Not really.
3. Is the whining and pouting dangerous? No.

In this case, it’s best to ignore the behavior. By doing so, you don’t reward your child’s poor behavior with your attention. Instead, simply place your order and go ahead with the meal. When your child stops whining and pouting, you can order for him. If he doesn’t stop, he misses out on a good meal, in which case he doesn’t have to eat the dreaded green beans that he was not in the mood for – but he also doesn’t get the mac n’ cheese. This technique may strike some parents as a bit harsh, but it works. Kids quickly learn that they can’t manipulate their moms and dads with whining and pouting.

You will discover that harmless (yet annoying) behaviors occur less frequently as your tolerance-level widens and as your reactions don't reinforce the child's misbehavior. It's helpful to get some practice in “selective ignoring” during the early years of your kid's life to prepare you for the challenges yet to come (e.g., a teen’s unconventional dress and hairstyles, loud music, and moody behaviors).

NOTE: Ignoring undesirable behaviors works best if you often praise desirable behaviors. Also, ignore the misbehavior, not the child.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents