When Your Teenager Is Pregnant

If your adolescent is pregnant and planning to have the baby, many changes await your family. And though it's certainly not what most moms and dads expect, it happens every day – in fact, nearly 1 million teenage girls in the United States give birth every year.

If your adolescent is about to become a mother (or your son has fathered a child), it can be overwhelming for all of you. How can you support your youngster through the challenges that lie ahead?

If you have just learned that your adolescent is having a baby, you're probably experiencing a wide range of emotions, from shock and disappointment to grief and worry about the future.

Some moms and dads feel a sense of guilt, thinking that if only they'd done more to protect their youngster this wouldn't have happened. And although some parents are embarrassed by their adolescent's pregnancy and worried about how family, friends, and neighbors will react, others are happy about the news of a soon-to-be grandchild — especially if the adolescent is older and in a mature relationship.

Whatever feelings you're experiencing, this is likely to be a difficult time for your family. The important thing is that your adolescent needs you now more than ever. Being able to communicate with each other — especially when emotions are running high — is essential. Adolescents that carry a baby to term have special health concerns, and your adolescent will have a healthier pregnancy — emotionally and physically — if she knows she doesn't have to go it alone.

So what can you do as the mother or father of an adolescent having a baby? Recognize your feelings and work through them so that you can accept and support her. Does that mean you don't have the right to feel disappointed and even angry? No. Such reactions are common. You might have a strong flood of emotions to deal with, especially at first. But the reality of the upcoming baby means that you'll have to get beyond your initial feelings for the sake of your adolescent and her youngster.

If you need help coping with your feelings about the situation, talk to someone you trust or seek professional counseling. A neutral third party can be a great resource at a time like this.

Just a short time ago your adolescent's biggest concerns might have been hanging out with her friends and wondering what clothes to wear. Now she's dealing with morning sickness and scheduling prenatal visits. Her world has been turned upside down.

Most unmarried adolescents don't plan on becoming pregnant, and they're often terrified when it happens. Many, particularly younger adolescents, keep the news of their pregnancies secret because they fear the anger and disappointment of their moms and dads. Some might even deny to themselves that they are pregnant — which makes it even more important for moms and dads to step in and find medical care for their adolescent as early in the pregnancy as possible. Younger adolescents' pregnancies, in particular, are considered high risk because their bodies haven't finished growing and are not yet fully mature.

Adolescent boys who are going to become fathers also need the involvement of their moms and dads. Although some boys may welcome the chance to be involved with their kids, others feel frightened and guilty and may need to be encouraged to face their responsibilities (the father is legally responsible for youngster support in every state).

That doesn't mean, however, that you should pressure your adolescent son or daughter into an unwanted marriage. Offer advice, but remember that forcing your opinions on your adolescent or using threats is likely to backfire in the long run. There's no "one size fits all" solution here. Open communication between you and your adolescent will help as you consider the future.

Even though most adolescent girls are biologically able to produce healthy babies, whether they do often depends on whether they receive adequate medical care — especially in those critical early months of pregnancy.

Adolescents that receive proper medical care and take care of themselves are more likely to have healthy babies. Those who don't receive medical care are at greater risk for:

• anemia
• fetal death
• high blood pressure
• labor and delivery complications (such as premature labor and stillbirth)
• low birth-weight infant

The earlier your adolescent gets prenatal care, the better her chances for a healthy pregnancy, so bring her to the doctor as soon as possible after finding out she's pregnant. If you need help finding medical care, check with social service groups in the community or at your youngster's school.

Your adolescent's health care provider can tell her what to expect during her pregnancy, how to take care of herself and her growing baby, and how to prepare for life as a mother or father.

Medical Care—

At her first prenatal visit, your adolescent will probably be given a full physical exam, including blood and urine tests. She'll be screened for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and for exposure to certain diseases, such as measles, mumps, and rubella.

Her health care provider also will discuss:

• how often prenatal visits should be scheduled
• how to deal with some of the uncomfortable side effects of pregnancy, like nausea and vomiting
• what changes she can expect in her body
• what she may be feeling physically and emotionally

Knowing what to expect can help alleviate some of the fears your adolescent may have about being pregnant. Her health care provider will probably prescribe a daily prenatal vitamin to make sure she gets enough folic acid, iron, and calcium. Folic acid is especially important during the early weeks of pregnancy, when it plays a role in the healthy development of the neural tube (the structure that develops into the brain and spinal cord).

Lifestyle Changes—

Your adolescent's health care provider will talk about the lifestyle changes she'll have to make for the health of her baby, including:

• avoiding excess caffeine (too much caffeine has been linked to an increased risk of miscarriage)
• avoiding risky sexual behaviors (such as having unsafe sex)
• eating right
• getting enough rest
• not drinking (alcohol causes mental and physical birth defects)
• not smoking (smoking while pregnant increases the risk of miscarriage, stillbirth, low birth weight, and sudden infant death syndrome)
• not using drugs (drugs are associated with pregnancy complications and fetal death)

If your adolescent smokes or uses alcohol or other drugs, her health care provider can offer ways to help her quit.

Nutrition—

Fast food, soft drinks, sweets — adolescent diets are notoriously unbalanced. Eating well greatly increases your adolescent's chances of having a healthy baby, so encourage her to maintain a well-balanced diet that includes plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole-grain breads (use the U.S. Department of Agriculture's MyPlate as a guide).

Important nutrients include:

• calcium (milk and other dairy products)
• folic acid (green leafy vegetables, beans, peas, fortified cereals
• iron (lean red meats, spinach, iron-fortified cereals)
• proteins (lean meat, fish, poultry, egg whites, beans, peanut butter, tofu)

Drinking plenty of water is essential, too.

Pregnancy is not the time for your adolescent to go on a diet. When pregnant, some adolescents might be tempted to counter normal pregnancy weight gain by cutting calories or exercising excessively — both of which can seriously harm their babies. If you suspect that your adolescent has an unhealthy preoccupation with her weight, talk to her health care provider.

Exercise—

If your adolescent was physically fit before getting pregnant and is not experiencing any pregnancy complications, her health care provider will probably encourage her to continue exercising.

Most women benefit from getting some exercise during pregnancy, although they might have to modify their activity. Low-impact exercises, such as walking and swimming, are best. Have your adolescent discuss her exercise plans with her health care provider early on.

Stress—

Most adolescents enter parenthood unprepared for the stress a new baby brings, and many experience frustration, resentment, and even anger toward their newborns — which may explain why adolescent moms and dads are at higher risk for abusing and neglecting their babies.

You may want to talk with your adolescent's doctor to discuss ways you can help her manage her stress levels so that she can better cope with changes in her life. She also may want to spend some time with other moms and dads of newborns to get a better sense of what caring for a baby involves.

Prenatal Classes—

Your adolescent's health care provider will probably recommend that she take classes on pregnancy, giving birth, and parenting. These classes (some of which are held just for adolescents) can help prepare her for the practical side of parenthood by teaching skills such as feeding, diapering, youngster safety, and other basic baby care techniques.

Preparing for New Responsibilities—

Many practical issues must be considered. Will your adolescent keep the baby or consider adoption? If she keeps it, will she raise the baby herself? Will she continue to go to school? Will the father be involved in the baby's life? Who will be financially responsible for the baby?

The answers to these questions often depend on the support your adolescent receives. Some adolescents raise their youngster alone, some have the involvement of the baby's father, and some rely on their families for support.

As a mother or father, you need to think about your own level of involvement and commitment and discuss it with your adolescent. How much support — financial and otherwise — are you willing and able to offer? Will your adolescent and her youngster live with you? Will you help pay for food, clothing, doctor visits, and necessary items like a car seat and stroller? Can you assist with youngster care while your adolescent is at school and/or work? A social worker or counselor can help you and your adolescent sort through some of these issues.

If at all possible, it's best for adolescents that are pregnant to finish school so they can get better jobs and create a better life for themselves and their babies. This is no easy task — 60% to 70% of all pregnant adolescents drop out of school. And going back after quitting is especially hard, so try to offer your adolescent the support she needs to stay in school — both she and the baby will benefit. Check for school and community programs that offer special services for adolescent mothers, such as youngster care, rides, or tutoring.

Help your adolescent understand that as rewarding as having a youngster is, it isn't always fun — caring for a baby is a huge responsibility and a lifelong commitment. Prepare your adolescent for the reality that she won't have as much time for the things she used to do — that her life is about change and the baby will take priority.

As a mother or father, you can have a great impact on your adolescent's life and on her baby's. You may still wish that she had made different choices. But by supporting your adolescent, making sure she gets good prenatal care, and listening as she shares her fears and anxieties, both of you may find that you're better moms and dads in the long run.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What To Do When Your Child Is Rejected By Peers

Your 12-year-old daughter comes home angry as a hornet because her “friends” are suddenly leaving her out and spreading rumors about her. She's upset and confused, because it seemed to just happen out of the clear blue. She doesn't know what she said or did to deserve this treatment, and she states that she is apprehensive about returning to school, unsure if she has any friends.

You, her parent, are not sure what to do about this dilemma. You've heard about children being snubbed, teased and bullied at school, but you didn't think it could happen to your child.

Given how common cliques are throughout middle and high school, at some point your youngster is likely to face the prospect of being in one or being excluded from them. There's little you can do to shield children from cliques, but plenty you can do to help them maintain confidence and self-respect while negotiating cliques and understanding what true friendship is all about.

Friendship is an important part of children's development. Having friends helps them be independent beyond the family and prepares them for the mutual, trusting relationships we hope they'll establish as grown-ups.

Groups of friends are different from cliques in some important ways. Friendships grow out of shared interests, sports, activities, classes, neighborhoods, or even family connections. In groups of friends, members are free to socialize and hang out with others outside the group without worrying about being cast out. They may not do everything together — and that's OK.

Cliques sometimes form around common interests, but the social dynamics are very different. Cliques are usually tightly controlled by leaders who decide who is "in" and who is "out." The children in the clique do most things together. Someone who has a friend outside the clique may face rejection or ridicule.

Members of the clique usually follow the leader's rules, whether it's wearing particular clothes or doing certain activities. Cliques usually involve lots of rules — implied or clearly stated — and intense pressure to follow them. Children in cliques often worry about whether they'll continue to be popular or whether they'll be dropped for doing or saying the wrong thing or for not dressing in a certain way. This can create a lot of pressure, particularly for females, who might be driven to extreme dieting and eating disorders or even to ask for plastic surgery. Others may be pressured to take risks like steal, pull pranks, or bully other children in order to stay in the clique. Children also can be pressured into buying expensive clothing or getting involved in online gossip and teasing.

Cliques are often at their most intense in middle school and junior high, but problems with cliques can start as early as 4th and 5th grades.

For most children, the pre-adolescent and adolescent years are a time to figure out how they want to fit in and how they want to stand out. It's natural for children to occasionally feel insecure, long to be accepted, and hang out with the children who seem more attractive, cool, or popular.

But cliques can cause long-lasting trouble when:

• a youngster is rejected by a group and feels ostracized and alone
• a group becomes an antisocial clique or a gang that has unhealthy rules, such as weight loss or bullying others based on looks, disabilities, race, or ethnicity
• children behave in a way they feel conflicted about or know is wrong in order to please a leader and stay in the group

What Can Parent Do?

As children navigate friendships and cliques, there's plenty moms and dads can do to offer support. If your youngster seems upset, or suddenly spends time alone when usually very social, ask about it.

Here are some tips:

1. Find stories they can relate to. Many books, TV shows, and movies portray outsiders triumphing in the face of rejection and send strong messages about the importance of being true to your own nature and the value of being a good friend, even in the face of difficult social situations. For school-age children, books like "Blubber" by Judy Blume illustrate how quickly cliques can change. Older children and teens might relate to movies such as "Mean Girls," "Angus," "The Breakfast Club," and "Clueless."

2. Foster out-of-school friendships. Get children involved in extracurricular activities (e.g., art class, sports, martial arts, horse riding, language study) or any other activity that gives them an opportunity to create another social group and learn new skills.

3. Help put rejection in perspective. Remind your youngster of times she has been angry with parents, friends, or siblings — and how quickly things can change.

4. Shed some light on social dynamics. Acknowledge that kids and teenagers are often judged by the way they look, act, or dress, but that often individuals act mean and put others down because they lack self-confidence and try to cover it up by maintaining control.

5. Talk about your own experiences. Share your own experiences of school — cliques have been around for a long time!

If your youngster is part of a clique and one of the children is teasing or rejecting others, it's important to address that right away. With popular TV shows from talent contests to reality series glorifying rude behavior, it's an uphill battle for families to promote kindness, respect, and compassion.

Discuss the role of power and control in friendships and try to get to the heart of why your youngster feels compelled to be in that position. Discuss who is in and who is out, and what happens when children are out (are they ignored, shunned, bullied?). Challenge children to think and talk about whether they're proud of the way they act in school.

Ask educators, guidance counselors, or other school officials for their perspective on what is going on in and out of class. They might be able to tell you about any programs the school has to address cliques and help children with differences get along.

Here are some ways to encourage children to have healthy friendships and not get too caught up in cliques:

1. Find the right fit — don't just fit in. Encourage children to think about what they value and are interested in, and how those things fit in with the group. Ask questions like: What is the main reason you want to be part of the group? What compromises will you have to make? Is it worth it? What would you do if the group leader insisted you act mean to other children or do something you don't want to do? When does it change from fun and joking around, to teasing and bullying?

2. Provide the big-picture perspective. As hard as cliques might be to deal with now, things can change quickly. What's more important is making true friends (i.e., friends they can confide in, laugh with, and trust). The real secret to being "popular" is for them to be the kind of friend they'd like to have (e.g., respectful, fair, supportive, caring, trustworthy, kind, etc.).

3. Keep social circles open and diverse. Encourage children to be friends with people they like and enjoy from different settings, backgrounds, ages, and interests. Model this yourself as much as you can with different ages and types of friends and acquaintances.

4. Speak out and stand up. If they're feeling worried or pressured by what's happening in the cliques, encourage your children to stand up for themselves or others who are being cast out or bullied. Encourage them not to participate in anything that feels wrong, whether it's a practical joke or talking about people behind their backs.

5. Stick to your likes. If your youngster has always loved to play the piano but suddenly wants to drop it because it's deemed "uncool," discuss ways to help resolve this.

6. Take responsibility for your own actions. Encourage sensitivity to others and not just going along with a group. Remind children that a true friend respects their opinions, interests, and choices, no matter how different they are. Acknowledge that it can be difficult to stand out, but that ultimately children are responsible for what they say and do.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents