The Art of Negotiating with Teens

As a mother of father of an adolescent, you have the challenge of setting limits on your adolescent’s behaviors to ensure his/her safety. At the same time, you have the challenge of permitting your adolescent freedom to explore his/her ideas and experiences. Sometimes it is hard for a parent to know how much to “hold on” and how much to “let go.” Make clear to your adolescent this message: “With freedom comes responsibility.” As you and your adolescent negotiate new privileges, you also need to negotiate new responsibilities.

Your adolescent still needs your help learning how to determine which rules and decisions are the best ones for him/her and for others. Often, there is more than one way to cook a meal, clean a room, or organize one’s day. But moms and dads and adolescents may not see eye-to-eye on how these - and other day-to-day activities - should be done. Disagreement results. As bad as it can feel, some disagreement between a parent and teen is good, because working out disagreements provides valuable learning opportunities for adolescents and can actually strengthen parent-teen relationships. One way for moms and dads and adolescents to work out their differences is through collaborative problem solving.

The negotiation process will be most effective when both parent and adolescent take time to think through what they will say. When possible, plan ahead to meet at a place and time that is convenient for everyone. A quiet, neutral spot where there are few distractions or interruptions is best for open discussion.

Recognize the changes an adolescent is experiencing with social, emotional, intellectual and physical development. These changes may appear as an adolescent strives for independence, experiences hormonal changes and develops thought processes. Understanding the general characteristics of development for each age helps moms and dads effectively negotiate with their adolescent.

Common areas for negotiation with adolescents are:

• Chores
• Clothing
• Convenience
• Grades
• Money
• Recreation
• Social manners
• Transportation

Topics included in negotiation are chosen based on the youngster's skill level and maturity level. The frequency of negotiation increases as a youngster grows older. During late adolescence, almost all rules may be negotiated, with the parent maintaining a few rules that won't be negotiated. The adolescent is trying to break the walls to independence and may push against some of these rules.

What does negotiating involve?

1. Start with patient and active listening. “What is my son saying?” “What point is my daughter making?”

2. Negotiating requires the ability to recognize the legitimacy of another point of view. “Maybe I was wrong on the facts.” “Maybe I didn't have the full picture.”

3. Parents need the insight to perceive how important this issue is to their youngster. Prioritize it. Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.

4. It's crucial to have the clarity to determine which issues you’re prepared to go to the mat for. There should be very few.

5. Most of all, parents need the courage and confidence to say, "I've changed my mind." Why? Either your adolescent made a persuasive argument and you respect his/her point of view, or your adolescent presented you with new information that significantly altered the situation, or you appreciate that this is much more important to your youngster than it is to you. Changing your mind does not a diminishment of your role as a mom or dad. It enhances rather than decreases your youngster's respect for you – and it paves the way for future open discussions.

Negotiating House-Rules—

1. Consider your adolescent's point of view. Listen to what your adolescent is saying about the rules. If she disagrees, let her know that you will listen and take seriously what she is saying. If you are willing to listen to her objections and consider what she is proposing, she will be more apt to negotiate. Negotiating up front is better than sneaking behind your back.

2. Be clear. Let your youngster know which rules are negotiable – and which are not. For example, negotiable rules may include curfew, allowance or chores. Non-negotiable rules include such things as driving without a seat belt, school attendance and drinking.

3. Explain the reasons behind the rules. When adolescents understand why the guidelines have been established in the first place, they will be more willing to negotiate new rules and take your concerns into consideration. When adolescents know what you are worried about, they are more likely to think about their actions. An open dialogue not only increases cooperation, it creates a teachable moment. Talking about the reasons behind the rules encourages cooperation by increasing understanding.

4. Encourage adolescents to present their point of view. Adolescents who can present a reasonable argument about why they think the rules should be changed are developing good judgment. Thinking about the rules goes along with deciding how to behave.

5. Talk about consequences. Adolescents often think, "That won't happen to me." Talking about the possible consequences in advance helps the adolescent plan in advance. Don't threaten. Give the information and state the facts, but don't threaten. That way your adolescent can think their behavior through and change directions before something happens.

6. Take past behavior into consideration. When negotiating rules with your adolescent, consider past behavior. If he is meeting his responsibilities and making good decisions, it is likely that he will be able to handle the change in the rule effectively. Give adolescents credit for the good choices they've been making.

7. Choose battles carefully. Give your adolescent more leeway as she shows maturity in judgment. Don't argue, fight or enforce rules that are outdated. Give your adolescent room to grow and expand. Let her have more “say.”

8. Respect their opinion. Adolescents are more likely to cooperate when given a voice in the matters that affect them.

Negotiating Curfew—

Setting a time for curfew on a school night is an example of how to negotiate something between parent and teen. Here are some guidelines:

1. Parent says what she wants to happen. Start by suggesting what you see as a reasonable curfew.

2. Adolescent shares his reaction without saying yes or no to the request or suggestion.

3. Ask your adolescent to suggest a curfew time.

4. Each person then says any problems with the other's suggestions. If he accepts your suggestion, you are done. If he suggests a later curfew than you did, then (a) repeat his suggestion to show you listened, (b) do not say "no” or “yes" to his suggestion, (c) express your concerns with his curfew suggestion (e.g., not sure that would work because he has a hard time getting up for school on time), and (d) ask what his thoughts are.

5. Both adolescent and parent think of solutions to the problems raised. If still no agreement, then brainstorm solutions. For example, maybe a compromise can work (e.g., earlier than his suggestion and later than yours; slightly later curfew on weekends, but keep earlier curfew on school nights; earlier curfew, but later bedtime; accept later curfew on the condition that it be changed to earlier time if he has difficulty getting up or is tired at school).

6. If agreement, negotiation is over. If no agreement, try to find a compromise. Encourage selection of an option both of you can live with.

7. If no compromise possible, then state differing positions as objectively and respectfully as possible and set a time to discuss the issue again in the near future. If you just cannot agree on the curfew, agree to keep the same curfew as before and set specific time for talking about it again (e.g., on the weekend, after supper the next night, etc.).

Summary—

1. Explain your position as calmly and simply as possible.

2. Listen, and be sure you understand the other person's point of view.

3. Don't make demands, lecture or bring up old grudges.

4. Suggest and discuss some options you can both live with.

5. If all else fails, take a break or agree to disagree.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Does your child have ADHD?

If you suspect that your youngster has ADHD, it might help to ask yourself some questions about his/her behavior. In fact, if you've talked with your doctor about your youngster's behavior, your doctor may have already asked you some of these questions:

1. Am I primarily angry with my youngster or am I primarily frustrated? It's normal for moms and dads to get irritated and even to get angry with their kids from time to time. Most moms and dads can sense when their kids misbehave on purpose. The hyperactivity of kids with ADHD is irritating, but moms and dads can sense that their youngster simply can't (as opposed to won't) sit still or quiet down. This is frustrating.

2. Can my youngster stick to activities, or is the house littered with a trail of unfinished games and projects? Kids with ADHD often lose interest in an activity in five minutes or less. They go from one activity to another. You may ask your youngster many times to clean up, but he/she will not even be able to focus long enough to do that!

3. Has disciplining my youngster worked? Moms and dads of ADHD kids usually have "tried everything" …from ignoring their youngster's misbehavior …to "time-outs" …to spanking – but nothing seems to work.

4. How long has my youngster been too active? Hyperactive ADHD kids have had problems with hyperactive, impulsive behavior since before age six. Mothers of ADHD kids sometimes even remember that their baby was hyperactive in the womb. Also, kids with ADHD are often described by their moms and dads as being fussy and difficult to quiet in infancy. Sustained restlessness, even when eating or at bedtime, is characteristic of these kids.

5. Is my youngster's restlessness and impulsivity a problem in several different settings? ADHD is less likely to be present if your youngster only shows behavioral problems at home, but not in other places (e.g., school, grocery store, etc.). ADHD problems often become worse in settings where there is more activity and noise.

6. My youngster can watch cartoons on television for a long time. Does this rule out ADHD? Kids with ADHD are often able to keep their attention on the fast-paced world of cartoons and video games. If your youngster's attention stays glued to the screen for programs such as cartoons, suspect ADHD. Often, such kids will keep their eyes on the screen, but will be constantly fidgeting their legs and arms.

7. When my youngster is misbehaving, is he off in a world of his own or is he looking over his shoulder to see if I'm watching him? Kids with ADHD can’t control at least some of their hyperactive, impulsive behavior. Suspect ADHD if your youngster appears "off in a world of his own" and does not respond to you when, for example, he is climbing on a table, jumping on the sofa or misbehaving in some other way. Kids who misbehave on purpose often will look over their shoulders to see how grown-ups react to their misbehavior. You can tell by the look on your youngster's face.

It might be hard for your doctor to tell if your youngster has ADHD, particularly if he is not hyperactive. For this reason, the doctor may want you and your youngster to see someone who has a great deal of experience working with ADD/ADHD (since there are many conditions that can look like ADD/ADHD). Many kids with ADHD aren't hyperactive, and those who are may not be hyperactive in the doctor's office. Information about your youngster's behavior needs to be collected from different people who know him/her, including your youngster's teachers or anyone else who is familiar with his/her behavior.

Kids with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, may have signs of hyperactive behavior, a lack of attention and difficulty concentrating.

Signs of hyperactive behavior:

• Always "on the go"

• Always playing too loudly

• Blurting out answers to questions in school

• Cutting in line or unable to wait for a turn in activities

• Fidgeting and restlessness, almost constantly

• Interrupting others

• Not sitting in the same seat for any length of time

• Running or climbing inappropriately

• Talking too much

Signs of a lack of attention:

• Appearing disorganized

• Appearing very distractible

• Being forgetful

• Being unable to plan ahead effectively

• Difficulty following instructions

• Frequently losing things needed for school or at home

• Not being able to focus attention on activities

• Not being able to pay attention to details

• Not seeming to listen to moms and dads or teachers

Most kids with ADHD show signs of both hyperactivity and attention problems. Some kids, though, may have only signs of inattention. They may have trouble concentrating and paying attention, but they may not show signs of hyperactivity. This kind of problem used to be called attention-deficit disorder (ADD). ADD is now thought of as a form of ADHD.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Top 20 Parenting Mistakes When Raising Teens

The truth is this: parenting adolescents is just plain tough! In this post, we will discuss the “top 20 parenting mistakes” that are commonly made by moms and dads today – and what they can do to correct these parenting mistakes.

Top 20 Parenting Mistakes When Raising Teens

1. Parents are not always approachable. Take an interest in what your youngster is up to and make this a two-way conversation by sharing bits of your own day with him. Also, never interrogate a youngster about where he has been and what he has been up to. By making this a normal part of everyday life, your youngster will then feel relaxed and confident about approaching you when he has a problem or needs advice.

2. Parents assume that educating is someone else's responsibility. All too often it is assumed that it is the role of the schools to not simply teach your adolescent reading and writing, but also all about the dangers of drugs, drinking, pre-marital sex and anything else you care to mention. This is not the case! The responsibility for educating your kids rests firmly at your door and, while the schools can certainly be extremely helpful to you in fulfilling this role, it is still up to you to sit down with your kids and talk to them about drugs, drinking, sex and everything else they will need to equip them for adult life.

3. Parents assume that good grades mean that all is well. Many moms and dads make the mistake of assuming that if an adolescent is doing well at school, then everything must be fine. A bright kid may however have little difficulty maintaining good grades, and knowing that this will keep you off his back gives him the opportunity to go out drinking, experiment with drugs, or anything else he chooses. Good grades are nothing more than an indication that the student is making satisfactory progress academically.

4. Parents cushion their kids from feeling certain emotions. Life is an emotional roller-coaster, and kids need to learn to handle emotions. For example, if your youngster has done something wrong and perhaps hurt somebody else in the process, then he should feel guilty. Experiencing emotions such as guilt and learning how to deal with them and to overcome them is a healthy part of growing up.

5. Parents don’t choose their battles wisely. Adolescents will always want to do things that you do not agree with, but you do more harm than good if life becomes a constant battleground. If Michael wants to grow his hair long, then it's not the end of the world – and it can always be cut short again later. However, if Sarah wants to get a tattoo, which she is going to have to live with for the rest of her life, then this is probably a battle worth fighting.

6. Parents don’t give adolescents some room to explore. Adolescents need to learn to stand on their own two feet, and that means allowing them an increasing degree of independence as time goes on. This does not mean that you should not keep an eye on them and steer them in the right direction, but do not be too quick to jump in.

7. Parents don’t have a set of rules and a system of discipline. Moms and dads need to first come to agreement themselves on the rules for their adolescents and the appropriate punishment for breaking these rules so that they are both reading from the same page. Thereafter, teens should clearly know and understand the rules so that there is no surprise when they find themselves being disciplined for infringing them.

8. Parents don’t have a system for staying informed. Adolescents need to have a degree of freedom, but you also need to have the peace of mind of knowing where they are and that they are safe. It is important to set up some sort of system for them to keep in touch with you and to get into the habit of, for example, calling when they are out for the evening to let you know that all is well.

9. Parents don’t invite their kid's friends to the house. Most moms and dads will have experienced their adolescents spending time with friends that you don't approve of, but almost as many parents make this judgment without ever having actually met these peers. There is also more than a little truth in the old saying that you should keep your friends close and your enemies even closer.

10. Parents don’t talk to their kids about risks. Nowadays adolescents are surrounded by temptation, and this very often brings with it considerable risk so, whether it's drugs, drinking and driving, premarital sex or anything else, your kids need to have their eyes opened for them before they venture out alone.

11. Parents don’t teach their kids how to deal risk. Having opened an adolescent’s eyes to the risks of the modern world, it is important that you also equip them to deal with those risks. For example, if the only way to get home from a party appears to be to climb into a car with a drunken friend, then they need to know not only that this is a risk which they are not to take, but that they can call you whatever the time to come and pick them up.

12. Parents don't follow through with consequences. The majority of moms and dads do not have any problem with laying down a set of rules for their adolescents and coming up with suitable consequences, but all too many have difficulty when it comes to enforcing the rules or handing out consequences. Your adolescent needs to be given boundaries and, perhaps more importantly, he needs to know that there will be disciplinary measures imposed if he breeches these boundaries. You are not doing your adolescent any favors if you end up teaching him that rules don't really matter and that it is okay to simply break them whenever he feels like it.

13. Parents don't keep up with modern teen behavior. It's only natural for you to look at your adolescent's development and compare it to your own days as an adolescent. But adolescents today are very different, and the changes from one generation to the next can be frightening. Take some time to educate yourself about modern adolescent life not simply by talking regularly with your adolescent kids, but also by looking at teen magazines, television and of course the internet. Some things will be seen as positive developments and others as negative but, whatever the changes, it is important to understand that this is the world in which your adolescents and their peers are growing up.

14. Parents expect only positive results. All too often we expect our kids to be well behaved and to achieve good grades in school and so do not praise good behavior or good results. At the same time we are all too quick to jump in and react to bad behavior or poor results. Kids do of course need to be disciplined for bad behavior and poor grades (assuming that their poor grades are the result of their own laziness), but they also need to be given praise for good results.

15. Parents forget that they are role models. Kids learn more by example than in any other fashion and your words and, more importantly, your actions will be extremely influential for your youngster's development.

16. Parents give in too quickly. Adolescents are very good when it comes to getting what they want and can be extremely creative when it comes to working out how to get you to say 'yes'. They will also rarely take 'no' for an answer first time out and will keep on you until they get their way. Let your adolescents play this game as it is part of the learning process, but hold your ground and be consistent. At the end of the day if the answer needs to be 'no' – then don't back down.

17. Parents ignore the need for family time. Because we all lead busy lives these days, it is often difficult to fit everything in and one of the first things to go is often family time. Setting aside some time every day for the family to eat together and to talk is essential to provide your kids with the opportunity to get advice, encouragement and feedback from you and for you to see whether everything is well or if there are problems looming on the horizon. Even if you cannot spare a great deal of time, 20 or 30 minutes sitting down to an evening meal as a family can be invaluable.

18. Parents ignore the obvious. When your adolescent suddenly starts doing such things as sleeping in, missing classes and missing curfew, you might be tempted to simply write it off as normal adolescent behavior. But could there be more to it than that? You don't want to over-react, but don't under-react either. If there is a problem now is the time to root it out. So, don't bury your head in the sand and wait for things to blow up in your face.

19. Parents lecture rather than discuss. If the adolescent is going to develop into a responsible grown-up who is capable of making decisions, then you need to teach him just how to go about making decisions. All too often it is easier to simply tell an adolescent what to do (and what not to do) rather than to take the time to sit down and discuss the options, pointing out the pros and cons, and showing them how to choose the right path. Not only does this not help your adolescent to develop the skills he needs, but it also often leads to unnecessary confrontation.

20. Parents set unreasonable goals. An important part of an adolescent's development is learning to set goals and then constructing a plan to achieve them. This means that you also need to set goals for your adolescent and teach and encourage him to meet them. However, if you set goals that are unrealistic, then you are simply setting your adolescent up to fail. Thus, be reasonable in your expectations.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents