How To Be More Assertive: 12 Tips For Parents

There are various parenting styles, ranging from an authoritative type that values obedience and uses strict discipline – to permissive parenting that imposes few limitations and little or no correction.

Assertive parenting is a flexible style that is well suited to a rapidly changing world. It doesn't impose a concrete concept of right and wrong. Instead, it helps kids and teens learn to make choices. It takes certain skills to use assertive parenting effectively.

Are you a passive – or an assertive – parent?

Let’s find out…

A passive parent:

• Allows their kids to cross boundaries - “I’m tired of your constant whining. It gets on my nerves. I want you to stop it. OK?”
• Is prone to begging, pleading, bribing and whining - “If you kids would just do what I ask then I wouldn’t have to repeat myself.”
• Makes wishful and questioning rather than assertive statements - “I wish there were less yelling and arguing. Is that asking too much? What is the matter with you kids?
• Removes the blame from themselves and places it on the kids - “I have spoiled-rotten, entitled kids. They expect everything to be handed to them.”

Clearly, if one has already established a history of passive parenting, making the change to being an assertive parent won’t come overnight. Mistakes are prone to happen and, as parents, we tend to fall back onto what feels comfortable. But the cycle of passive parenting leads to abused and harassed parents - a cycle that should be broken as soon as possible. As moms and dads, we’ll never be perfect. The very best we can do is practice.

An assertive parent:

• Kids are given lots of practice in making choices and guided to see the consequences of those choices.
• Kids are part of deciding how to make amends when someone - or something - has been hurt.
• Kids learn to accept responsibility, make wiser choices, cope with change, and are better equipped to succeed in a work-force which relies on cooperative problem-solving.
• Clarifying issues, parents give reasons for limits.
• Parents establish basic guidelines for kids.
• Teaching children to take responsibility is a high priority.
• Misbehavior is handled with an appropriate consequence or by problem-solving with the youngster to find an acceptable way to get desires met.
• Out-of-control kids have "cool-off" time, not punishment.

Being assertive does not equate to being aggressive or threatening. Instead, assertive parenting incorporates the use of statements that do not place blame and are direct. Assertive statements are designed in such a way as to not leave room for questioning and will often use the word "I".

Some examples:

• "I want the arguing to stop now."
• "If you do not finish your homework in the allotted time, I will have no choice but to eliminate television time."
• "When you whine, it really bothers me. I would prefer you use your regular voice when you would like something."

These statements all clearly indicate what needs to be accomplished without resorting to aggressive or threatening behavior. Often kids like to push back and see what the limits really are and, in these cases, establishing clearly what the consequences will gives them the guidelines they require.

How To Be More Assertive In Your Parenting—

1. Be Honest with Kids— Don't lie to a youngster or promise what isn't in your power to deliver. Telling a youngster that the sun will be shining for a picnic is folly at best, and can destroy his faith in your integrity. Promising that another youngster will like him is another dangerous parent trap, causing more distress in the long run. Being honest about life's struggles teaches kids to share feelings and deal with reality rather than deny or avoid it.

2. Communicate Your Expectations Clearly— Assertive parenting involves being very clear in your expectations. A youngster cannot behavior properly if she does not know exactly what that entails. For example, you might say, "Clean your room" and then be upset when she makes her bed, does a cursory pick-up of the floor and considers the job done. To her, that may be "clean." Specify what you want by saying, "Change the linens, vacuum the floor, put your clothes away and take out the trash." Then she knows exactly what you want her to do and can perform accordingly.

3. Exercise Parental Leadership— Stand up courageously and be counted as a parent, not a buddy. Young people are in need of clear, positive leadership. They already have plenty of peers.

4. Foster Self-Esteem— Even your choice of rewards can help guide your kids into the comfort of assertiveness. When kids learn to feel proud of themselves, they have gained a life-long skill. Say, "Pat yourself on the back" to foster self-confidence. Do that more often than giving gifts and treats.

5. Offer Choices— Assertive parenting is focused on teaching kids to make choices and to take responsibility for the outcome. Discuss the situation with your son or daughter before any action is taken. The youngster can identify various options, and the parent can guide the youngster through a discussion of the probable outcomes of each choice. Then the youngster can select her preferred choice based on this analytical approach.

6. Have a Plan for Consequences— Think before speaking, and back up those words with firm, caring actions. Thinking through consequences can be done beforehand, when things are calm. Carrying out the consequences can be done in a matter of fact manner, expressing faith in the youngster's ability to come out ahead in the end. This allows the youngster to feel a sense of family as opposed to being at odds with moms and dads.

7. Impose Consequences Directly Related to the Misbehavior— Assertive parenting involves using discipline that is directly tied into what the youngster did wrong. For example, if the youngster breaks something, he would be required to fix it or to earn the money to do so. The parent might impose the consequence, or she might discuss the situation with the youngster and get his input on what an appropriate punishment would be.

8. Impose Cooling-Off Time in Response to Outbursts— An assertive parent directs her youngster to a cooling-off period when the youngster is throwing a tantrum or having an emotional outburst. This takes the place of punishment. Instead, the youngster is taught that expressing emotions is okay – but not in an inappropriate way. The cooling-off time provides times for reflection so he can calm down and decide on a more effective way to express himself.

9. It's OK to Say “No”— It is sometimes believed that saying no too often can squelch a youngster's self-esteem, creativity, or confidence, yet the opposite is more often the case. There isn't any need for apology or guilt when "no" is needed. One of the most common pitfalls moms and dads suffer is vagueness of language. Parents don't have to be mean, just clear.

10. Manage Parental Stress— Do what you can to reduce stress by dealing with temper. Deal with your own feelings on a regular basis so you can keep an even disposition with kids. Keep the number of issues to be corrected close to one (1). Trying to tackle multiple issues at once creates confusion and frustration. Develop a poor memory for the bad times – and a great memory for the good times.

11. Monitor Your Success— Keep a journal of successes and challenges, and jot down strategies and solutions. Forgive yourself when you mess up.

12. Use Humor— Remember to carry the emotional first-aid kit of humor at all times. It will help the whole family through the rough spots of daily life. Moms and dads can model the skill of not taking things too seriously. Modeling humor is one of the most effective methods for parenting assertively.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The Art of Negotiating with Teens

As a mother of father of an adolescent, you have the challenge of setting limits on your adolescent’s behaviors to ensure his/her safety. At the same time, you have the challenge of permitting your adolescent freedom to explore his/her ideas and experiences. Sometimes it is hard for a parent to know how much to “hold on” and how much to “let go.” Make clear to your adolescent this message: “With freedom comes responsibility.” As you and your adolescent negotiate new privileges, you also need to negotiate new responsibilities.

Your adolescent still needs your help learning how to determine which rules and decisions are the best ones for him/her and for others. Often, there is more than one way to cook a meal, clean a room, or organize one’s day. But moms and dads and adolescents may not see eye-to-eye on how these - and other day-to-day activities - should be done. Disagreement results. As bad as it can feel, some disagreement between a parent and teen is good, because working out disagreements provides valuable learning opportunities for adolescents and can actually strengthen parent-teen relationships. One way for moms and dads and adolescents to work out their differences is through collaborative problem solving.

The negotiation process will be most effective when both parent and adolescent take time to think through what they will say. When possible, plan ahead to meet at a place and time that is convenient for everyone. A quiet, neutral spot where there are few distractions or interruptions is best for open discussion.

Recognize the changes an adolescent is experiencing with social, emotional, intellectual and physical development. These changes may appear as an adolescent strives for independence, experiences hormonal changes and develops thought processes. Understanding the general characteristics of development for each age helps moms and dads effectively negotiate with their adolescent.

Common areas for negotiation with adolescents are:

• Chores
• Clothing
• Convenience
• Grades
• Money
• Recreation
• Social manners
• Transportation

Topics included in negotiation are chosen based on the youngster's skill level and maturity level. The frequency of negotiation increases as a youngster grows older. During late adolescence, almost all rules may be negotiated, with the parent maintaining a few rules that won't be negotiated. The adolescent is trying to break the walls to independence and may push against some of these rules.

What does negotiating involve?

1. Start with patient and active listening. “What is my son saying?” “What point is my daughter making?”

2. Negotiating requires the ability to recognize the legitimacy of another point of view. “Maybe I was wrong on the facts.” “Maybe I didn't have the full picture.”

3. Parents need the insight to perceive how important this issue is to their youngster. Prioritize it. Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.

4. It's crucial to have the clarity to determine which issues you’re prepared to go to the mat for. There should be very few.

5. Most of all, parents need the courage and confidence to say, "I've changed my mind." Why? Either your adolescent made a persuasive argument and you respect his/her point of view, or your adolescent presented you with new information that significantly altered the situation, or you appreciate that this is much more important to your youngster than it is to you. Changing your mind does not a diminishment of your role as a mom or dad. It enhances rather than decreases your youngster's respect for you – and it paves the way for future open discussions.

Negotiating House-Rules—

1. Consider your adolescent's point of view. Listen to what your adolescent is saying about the rules. If she disagrees, let her know that you will listen and take seriously what she is saying. If you are willing to listen to her objections and consider what she is proposing, she will be more apt to negotiate. Negotiating up front is better than sneaking behind your back.

2. Be clear. Let your youngster know which rules are negotiable – and which are not. For example, negotiable rules may include curfew, allowance or chores. Non-negotiable rules include such things as driving without a seat belt, school attendance and drinking.

3. Explain the reasons behind the rules. When adolescents understand why the guidelines have been established in the first place, they will be more willing to negotiate new rules and take your concerns into consideration. When adolescents know what you are worried about, they are more likely to think about their actions. An open dialogue not only increases cooperation, it creates a teachable moment. Talking about the reasons behind the rules encourages cooperation by increasing understanding.

4. Encourage adolescents to present their point of view. Adolescents who can present a reasonable argument about why they think the rules should be changed are developing good judgment. Thinking about the rules goes along with deciding how to behave.

5. Talk about consequences. Adolescents often think, "That won't happen to me." Talking about the possible consequences in advance helps the adolescent plan in advance. Don't threaten. Give the information and state the facts, but don't threaten. That way your adolescent can think their behavior through and change directions before something happens.

6. Take past behavior into consideration. When negotiating rules with your adolescent, consider past behavior. If he is meeting his responsibilities and making good decisions, it is likely that he will be able to handle the change in the rule effectively. Give adolescents credit for the good choices they've been making.

7. Choose battles carefully. Give your adolescent more leeway as she shows maturity in judgment. Don't argue, fight or enforce rules that are outdated. Give your adolescent room to grow and expand. Let her have more “say.”

8. Respect their opinion. Adolescents are more likely to cooperate when given a voice in the matters that affect them.

Negotiating Curfew—

Setting a time for curfew on a school night is an example of how to negotiate something between parent and teen. Here are some guidelines:

1. Parent says what she wants to happen. Start by suggesting what you see as a reasonable curfew.

2. Adolescent shares his reaction without saying yes or no to the request or suggestion.

3. Ask your adolescent to suggest a curfew time.

4. Each person then says any problems with the other's suggestions. If he accepts your suggestion, you are done. If he suggests a later curfew than you did, then (a) repeat his suggestion to show you listened, (b) do not say "no” or “yes" to his suggestion, (c) express your concerns with his curfew suggestion (e.g., not sure that would work because he has a hard time getting up for school on time), and (d) ask what his thoughts are.

5. Both adolescent and parent think of solutions to the problems raised. If still no agreement, then brainstorm solutions. For example, maybe a compromise can work (e.g., earlier than his suggestion and later than yours; slightly later curfew on weekends, but keep earlier curfew on school nights; earlier curfew, but later bedtime; accept later curfew on the condition that it be changed to earlier time if he has difficulty getting up or is tired at school).

6. If agreement, negotiation is over. If no agreement, try to find a compromise. Encourage selection of an option both of you can live with.

7. If no compromise possible, then state differing positions as objectively and respectfully as possible and set a time to discuss the issue again in the near future. If you just cannot agree on the curfew, agree to keep the same curfew as before and set specific time for talking about it again (e.g., on the weekend, after supper the next night, etc.).

Summary—

1. Explain your position as calmly and simply as possible.

2. Listen, and be sure you understand the other person's point of view.

3. Don't make demands, lecture or bring up old grudges.

4. Suggest and discuss some options you can both live with.

5. If all else fails, take a break or agree to disagree.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents