Dealing with Teens and Their Mood Swings

"I need some ideas on how to deal with my son's relentless bad moods (angry all the time, seems depressed, isolates in his bedroom and has no social life to speak of)."

Mood swings in adolescents are extremely common, and the best that moms and dads can do is to dig-in their heels and get ready for a few years of turbulence. At one point or another, virtually all adolescents deal with seemingly extreme shifts in mood.

Causes of Mood Swings in Adolescents—

Adolescence is a period of chaos and stress. This period of time will be marked by drama and “frustrated idealism” regardless of environmental factors. Cultural, spiritual, and familial factors play a role in whether or not an adolescent experiences “severe” mood swings. Most researchers agree that mood swings are a combination of biological and emotional factors that affect an adolescent’s mood:

1. Adolescence is a time when the body starts producing sex hormones as well as going through a major growth spurt. The physical changes that adolescents experience cause them to feel strange and perhaps confused or uncomfortable, and this erodes their sense of security. Because of the effect that this has on their psychological state, they may strike out or experience conflicting moods.

2. Researchers have discovered that the brain continues to grow and develop through adolescence much more than originally thought. Because the brain reaches 90% of its full size by the age of six, it has historically been believed that it had also reached almost full development. Now it is believed that the brain changes much more during the teenage years than previously believed. The grey matter on the outer part of the brain thickens over time with this process peaking at age 11 in females and age 12 in males. After this process is over, the brain begins to trim away excess grey matter that is not used, leaving only the information that the brain needs and making the brain more efficient. One of the last areas to go through this trimming process is the prefrontal cortex, which is the area of the brain responsible for judgment, self-control, and planning. This means that, while adolescents have very strong emotions and passions, they don’t have the mechanisms in place to control these emotions.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teens are capable of very strong emotions and very strong passions, but their prefrontal cortex hasn't caught up with them yet. It's as though they don't have the brakes that allow them to slow those emotions down. Researchers say this may help explain the often irrational behavior of teens (e.g., mood swings, risk-taking, etc.). Psychologists believe this new understanding of the teenage brain and its limitations can help mothers and fathers recognize there are some behaviors teens can’t easily control. The more educators and the more moms and dads that understand that there is a biological limitation to the teenager’s ability to control and regulate emotion, the more they may be able to be a bit more understanding, and thus avoid taking certain behaviors personally (e.g., an occasional disrespectful attitude).

3. Adolescents are typically very preoccupied with identity formations and becoming entities with lives separate from those of their moms and dads. This can cause confusion or frustration. While the world seems to be changing constantly around them, they feel as though they can’t keep up or handle the pressure, and this leads to a slightly off-kilter emotional state.

4. Adolescents have not yet developed the ability to deal with the pressures, frustrations, and anxieties of life. As their lives become more complicated and adult-like, they don’t have the built-in coping mechanisms that adults have developed to help them deal, so they are prone to react very emotionally to situations.

How Mood Swings Affect Adolescents—

Mood swings can leave an adolescent feel like they’re out of control, which is a very uncomfortable state for anyone to be in. Of course, if the mood swings are severely abnormal or prolonged, the adolescent should see a professional about other possible issues. Normal adolescent mood swings can make an adolescent feel unbalanced, though, and are not to be taken lightly.

Here are some tips for what your adolescent can do when dealing with a mood swing:

• Exercise - exercise releases endorphin into the blood stream, and these chemicals can help to regulate mood and ease frustration.

• Get creative – painting, drawing, writing, or building something can help an adolescent to express their emotions in a healthy way.

• Get plenty of rest – regular sleep helps keep the mind in tip-top shape.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

• Realize that they’re not alone – talking to a friend or peer who is dealing with the same issues will make them feel less abnormal and help them realize that they are not crazy.

• Take a breather – stepping back and trying to look at the situation from another angle, counting to ten, or just sitting with the uncomfortable feelings for a moment will help the adolescent to realize that it’s not as bad as it seems.

• Wait – the mood may pass as quickly as it struck; wait before acting out on extreme emotions.

Treating Mood Swings—

There are a variety of treatment options available to cope with mood swings. Examine the following list and decide which treatment might work best for you and your teenager:

1. Behavioral Therapy: Behavioral therapy helps to weaken the connections between troublesome situations and habitual reactions to them. Reactions common to mood swings such as fear, anxiety, depression, anger, and self-damaging behavior can be controlled. Behavioral therapy teaches your adolescent how to calm the mind and body, so they can feel better, think more clearly, and make better decisions.

2. Cognitive Therapy: Cognitive therapy teaches your adolescent how certain thinking patterns are causing your symptoms — by giving a distorted picture of what's going on in their life, and making them feel anxious, depressed or angry for no apparent reason, or provoking them into negative actions. Resolving the cognitive aspect of mood swings can mean improved social interaction, more confidence, and a more positive outlook on life.

3. Literary Therapy: Literary therapy incorporates books, articles, and other research materials into the process of healing. By gathering information about mood swings, one can acquire in-depth knowledge about his or her problems. This knowledge provides the essential tools for controlling and resolving ones issues. There is an extensive amount of information available from a wide range of perspectives. Many books can be checked out from a local library, and most internet information is presented free of charge.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Non-prescriptive Alternatives: There are many non-prescription alternatives on the market today. Some of these alternatives contain supplemental vitamins and minerals, while others contain herbal alternatives that have been used to naturally medicate mood swings. Clinical evidence for Valerian, Kava Kava and St. Johns Wort suggests that these herbal constituents can provide significant benefit in helping to relieve negative mood and other symptoms related to anxiety and depression.

5. Talk Therapy: Talk therapy involves the idea of healing through communication. Talking to friends, family members, or a therapist can help your adolescent to find support for those dealing with mood swings. Communication comes naturally to humans, and the simple act of discussing one’s problems can be extremely helpful in the healing process.

6. Talking to the Medical professional about Mood Swings: An important part in the diagnosis and treatment of mood swings is communicating with your medical professional is. By talking to your medical professional openly, you allow him/her to provide your teenager with the best treatment program possible. It is extremely important that you maintain open communication with your medical professional. He/she can help you to understand your symptoms and treatment options. The first step is to find a medical professional or that's right for you. Once you have started a treatment plan, it is important for you to provide your medical professional with updates about how you are feeling. Sometimes it is difficult to remember all of the points you want to discuss in your visit.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Helping Children Accept The New Stepfather

Question

I am a divorced mother with a 15-year-old daughter. I am about to become married to a wonderful man, David. My daughter tolerates him – but says she doesn’t really like him and is even a bit defiant around him. How can I help her accept my fiancée as her soon-to-be stepfather?

Answer

Kids grow by facing and working through challenges. The challenges presented by divorce and remarriage present opportunities for growth. However, kids are only able to grow from challenges if they are in a manageable range (i.e., not so easy that kids don’t have to stretch to meet them, but not so hard that they can’t stretch enough). The younger the son or daughter, the more moms and dads must help to bring a conflict into this manageable range.

The challenges of a new family are multi-faceted and different for each youngster. Your daughter is at a particular developmental point with specific needs, resulting in very particular meanings that a stepdad might have for her at this point. For example:

• David will occupy much of your attention, and this my present a special issue if there are times that your daughter is at her father's home longing for you.
• If her father is alive, she may maintain hope that you and he will remarry. In her mind, the stepdad may interfere with that scenario.
• Your daughter may feel like she is abandoning her biological father if she is too affectionate with David. David may parent differently than her father, perhaps in ways that she prefers, thus adding to these feelings of disloyalty.
• Add to the mix that David has his own adjustments to make and the fact that your relationship with your ex will have its difficulties as well.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

For any youngster, this situation is not only complex, but highly individualized. This is the reason a generic, one-size-fits-all approach does not exist. But there are various general approaches and attitudes that you can use that can help your daughter:

1. Your daughter will grow emotionally and will develop the strongest relationship with David if you help her accept and understand her situation in all its complexity. Some challenges she faces may remain unresolved. For example, biological dads sometimes are jealous of their kid's (and ex-wife’s) relationship with the new dad. If that is the case in your situation, your daughter’s growing love for David will affect her dad. Ignoring this reality in the hopes that she doesn't notice or think about it could negatively affect her relationship with her father, her stepdad – and even you. Do not burden her with a heavy discussion about matters that she has not really taken in or is not ready to discuss, however.

2. You can find your way by remaining available and nonjudgmental. Imagine your child telling you that her father says that he doesn't like David. You could ask how she felt hearing that. Imagine your daughter saying that she worries about father. You might ask the very logical question, "Do you worry that he would be upset if you and David had fun together?" If she agreed, you could simply let her know that you understand how hard this would be. You might add that her father also wants her to have fun.

3. It is your ex-husband’s job to work out his mixed-up feelings, and it is your daughter’s job to feel good with the important people in her life. In this way, you provide understanding and encouragement while not trying to cover the situation or artificially resolve it. Your daughter will have many years ahead during which she will face changes in her environment and in her feelings. If you maintain the distinction between behavior and her inner world, and continually offer an open, affirming and guiding approach to her struggles, in all likelihood, her relationship with David will evolve into a meaningful and sustaining one.

4. Lastly, require your daughter to behave well and respectfully toward David. However, restrict your approval or disapproval to her actions rather than her thoughts and feelings. For example, deal with her defiance with the same disapproval and consequences you would use for her actions in any situation. But don't try to talk her out of her feelings. You could say, “You may not like it when David tells you to pick up your clothes from the bedroom floor, and it is OK to feel that way, but you still must obey him.” It is not recommend that you say something like, "You should love David."

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Having said this, here are a few general guidelines for enjoying a successful blended family. Some of these will apply to your specific situations, others won’t:

1. All family members argue, so don’t assume all family arguments are the result of living in a blended family.

2. All relationships are respectful. This is not just referring to the children' behavior toward the adults. Respect should be given not just based on age, but based on the fact that you are all family members now.

3. Being civil. If family members can be civil with one another on a regular basis rather than ignoring, purposely trying to hurt or completely withdrawing from each other, you're on track.

4. Beware of favoritism. Be fair. Don’t overcompensate by favoring your stepkids. This is a common mistake, made with best intentions, in an attempt to avoid indulging your biological kids.

5. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Be sure to discuss everything. Never keep emotions bottled up or hold grudges.

6. Compassion for everyone’s development. Members of your blended family may be at various life stages and have different needs (teens versus toddlers, for example). They may also be at different stages in accepting this new family. Family members need to understand and honor those differences.

7. Don’t allow ultimatums. Your children or new partner may put you in a situation where you feel you have to choose between them. Remind them that you want both sets of people in your life.

8. Don't expect to fall in love with your partner’s kids overnight. Get to know them. Love and affection take time to develop.

9. Find support. Locate a step-parenting support organization in your community. You can learn how other blended families address some of the challenges of blended families.

10. Find ways to experience “real life” together. Taking both sets of children to a theme park every time you get together is a lot of fun, but it isn’t reflective of everyday life. Try to get the children used to your partner and his or her kids in daily life situations.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. Insist on respect. You can’t insist people like each other but you can insist that they treat one another with respect.

12. Limit your expectations. You may give a lot of time, energy, love, and affection to your new partner’s children that will not be returned immediately. Think of it as making small investments that may one day yield a lot of interest.

13. Make parenting changes before you marry. Agree with your new partner how you intend to parent together, and then make any necessary adjustments to your parenting styles before you remarry. It’ll make for a smoother transition and your children won’t become angry at your new spouse for initiating changes.

14. Make special arrangements. If some of the children just visit, make sure they have a locked cupboard for their personal things. Bringing toothbrushes and other “standard fare” each time they come to your home makes them feel like a visitor, not a member of the blended family.

15. Room for growth. After a few years of being blended, hopefully the family will grow and members will choose to spend more time together and feel closer to one another.

16. Solid marriage. Without the marriage, there is no family. It's harder to take care of the marriage in a blended family because you don't have couple time like most first marriages do. You'll have to grow and mature into the marriage while parenting.

17. Spend time every day with your youngster. Try to spend at least one “quiet time” period with your youngster (or kids) daily. Even in the best of blended families, kids still need to enjoy some “alone time” with each parent.

18. Too many changes at once can unsettle kids. Blended families have the highest success rate if the couple waits two years or more after a divorce to remarry, instead of piling one drastic family change onto another.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents