Why Teens Make Poor Decisions and How Parents Can Help

Teenagers smoke, take drugs, have unprotected sex and ride with drunk drivers, not because they think they are invulnerable or haven't thought about the risks. In fact, they are more likely to ponder the risks, take longer weighing the pros and cons of engaging in high-risk behavior than grown-ups, and actually overestimate the risks. It's just that they often decide the benefits (e.g., the immediate gratification, peer acceptance, etc.) outweigh the risks.

While grown-ups scarcely think about engaging in many high-risk behaviors because they intuitively grasp the risks, teenagers take the time to mull-over the risks and benefits. In other words, more experienced decision-makers tend to rely more on fuzzy reasoning, processing situations and problems as a “general idea” rather than weighing multiple factors. On the other hand, emergency room doctors (for example) make better decisions by processing less information and making sharper black-and-white distinctions among decision-making options. This leads to better decisions, not only in everyday life, but also in places like emergency rooms where the speed and quality of risky decisions are critical.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Interventions that use risk data regarding smoking or unprotected sex, for example, may actually backfire if teens overestimate their risks anyway. Instead, interventions should help them develop "general-idea-based" thinking in which dangerous risks are categorically avoided rather than weighed in a rational, deliberative way.

Decision-making is the process of choosing what to do by considering the possible consequences of different choices. Reasoning skills are utilized in the decision-making process and refer to specific cognitive abilities, some of which include assessing probability and thinking systematically or abstractly. The basic process that decision-makers use when confronted with a decision involves:

• listing relevant choices
• identifying potential consequences of each choice
• assessing the likelihood of each consequence actually occurring
• determining the importance of these consequences
• combining this information to decide which choice is the most appealing

Many different factors influence how teens make decisions. These may include cognitive, psychological, social, cultural, and societal factors. Cognitive factors refer to the mental processes of reasoning and perception. These decision-making processes mature with age and experience and are influenced by a teen’s brain development and acquisition of knowledge. Social and psychological factors refer to those influences from within a teen’s family, peer group, or self (e.g., self-esteem, locus of control, etc.). Some cultural and societal factors which influence a teen’s decisions include religious beliefs, socioeconomic conditions, and ethnicity.

Teenagers face a number of challenges in making healthy decisions due to the following:

• they may be influenced by their emotions and fail to use decision-making processes
• they may favor their own experience over probabilistic evidence when determining the likelihood of the consequences of their actions
• they may focus more on the social reactions of their friends when deciding to engage in or avoid risky behaviors
• they may have a hard time interpreting the meaning or credibility of information when making decisions
• they may lack the experience, knowledge or feeling of control over their lives to come up with alternative choices
• they may misperceive certain behaviors as less risky
• they may be overly optimistic about their ability to recognize and avoid threatening situations
• they may not be able to accurately estimate the probability of negative consequences
• they may see only either-or choices rather than a variety of options

The issue of decision-making becomes increasingly important during the teenage years because adolescents are developing greater autonomy and encountering more choices independent of adults. The choices adolescents make may drastically affect not only their own lives, but the lives of others as well. Some of these choices may include which career to pursue, whether or not to have sex or use contraceptives, whether or not to use alcohol, cigarettes, or other drugs, or whether or not to engage in violent or risky behaviors. Concern about these "risk behaviors" has led to the development of prevention and intervention programs that strive to help adolescents better protect themselves with effective decision-making skills.

Research has repeatedly demonstrated that youth development programs are successful in promoting positive behavior and preventing problem behavior when these programs help teenagers learn the following:

• coping strategies
• decision-making
• problem solving
• refusal strategies
• resistance strategies
• social and self-regulation skills

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Programs that incorporate decision-making skills have been found to delay the onset of sexual activity, reduce the frequency of sexual activity, and increase safer-sex behaviors. Research has also shown that teens armed with sound decision-making skills are better able to refuse alcohol and other drugs. Moreover, teens who perceive themselves as having better problem-solving skills are less likely to be depressed and have fewer suicidal thoughts.

Adolescents also need strong decision-making skills because the U.S. economy requires workers that are capable of thinking and making decisions at higher levels of sophistication than preceding generations. Furthermore, a successful democracy relies on citizens who can think critically about diverse issues and intelligently decide how society should address these issues.

Research has not yet answered how best to teach decision-making skills to teenagers, but some concrete methods include:

• assisting them to recognize their own biases
• encouraging them to search for new information when making decisions and helping them to avoid overestimating their knowledge and capabilities
• having teens work in pairs or small groups on relevant decision problems
• helping teens understand how their choices affect others
• providing accurate information to teenagers about the actual number of other teens engaging in risky behaviors to counteract media messages
• providing teens with opportunities to practice and rehearse decision-making skills
• teaching them about how their emotions may influence their thinking and behavior
• using a general heuristic framework to help teens learn how to think critically about decision problems
• utilizing concrete situations and decision problems that reflect the teens’ interests and have relevance to their lives

When teenagers are unsure of themselves, they are more likely to give in to peer-pressure. When a teenager feels good about herself, it improves the odds that she will make good decisions. Moms and dads can build teenagers’ self-confidence by teaching them to think for themselves. Ask your teenager for her opinion, even about small issues. Urge her to make decisions. Praise her for positive choices, and let her know that you appreciate her – and her achievements. Expose her to activities, people, places, and ideas, because doing so will broaden her outlook and help to limit the influence of negative peers. The likely result is a teenager that doesn’t worry about what others say, thinks things through, and chooses wisely.

The teen needs to know her “self.” This calls for a set of rules about what she is willing - or not willing - to do. If her rules apply to a situation, then the decision will be automatic. Moms and dads can show the way to good conduct through example and by promoting values, explaining those values, and showing how they fit specific choices. Starting early ensures that standards have deep roots, but it is never too late to lay out a guide for conduct.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


Comment: 

For the past two years our lives have been nonstop drama and this past Sunday I made him leave. I had a complete and total melt down and said things to him that I have never ever said to him and which I now deeply regret. I sent him two text messages with heartfelt apologies, but he did not respond. I took him a change of clothes yesterday and he looked very tired, but I did not stay and I did not try to get him to come home, because I just do not think I can stand to be lied to or treated so disrespectfully anymore. So now he is staying with his adult brother, who allows him to smoke pot and has encouraged my teen to quit school and come work with him at his automotive shop. This has been going on for months now and my son has quit school because of his older brothers influence and has even overdosed on something my adults son's wife gave my teen last August. I have tried to keep him away from my teen because he is a horrible role model and influence, but his shop is 4 blocks from our home and every time my teen and I have a disagreement, he runs to my adult son who confirms to him that I am a horrible mother. I raised both of them on my own, their fathers were pretty much no shows, and we had little family support, so I did the best I could. It just never seemed to be enough. 

 The oldest got in a lot of trouble when he was younger too, and after helping him get out of it all, I allowed him to live with me until he was 25 and he and my teen bonded very tightly, so breaking that bond is impossible, but I feel like the oldest is jealous of his baby brother and is deliberately giving him poor advice hoping he will fail and continuously undermines me as a parent and does things to deliberately sabotage any progress my teen and I might make ~ such as being the one to keep him out after curfew and then act like I am being ridiculous by telling him it is time for him to come home. My adult son is very passive aggressive and will smile in your face while stabbing you in the heart and pretend that he is doing you a favor. My mom and dad do not even have anything to do with him because he has dealt so deceitfully with them in the past. Right now my teen has two court dates, one for paraphernalia and another for forgery and submitting fraudulent documents to the court. And like I said, last Sunday night I made my teen leave after he broke curfew again and stayed out until 1 a.m. while being on probation. He had been sneaking out his bedroom window just three days prior to that and I had told him that if he broke the house rules again, that there would be dire consequences. But he does not care. He didn't even TRY to call me to tell me he would be late and refused to respond to my texts messages until I threatened to turn his "friend" in that helped him forge his community service records. We have to be in court on the 19th of June and I was going to ask the judge to put him in a treatment center for 30 days instead of Juvie or a fine. I have already written her a letter as such, but the courts tell me that they are a municipal court and do not really have that "kind" of jurisdiction. So I have nowhere to turn for help with him. 

We have been in counseling for months now with a family crisis counselor but she says that my son is master manipulator and she is wasting her time with him because he won’t "do the work" that’s required for us to resolve all his problems. So right now, he is truant, on probation, not at home but with an adult sibling that lives in the back of his automotive shop in an office cubicle, with the same woman that gave my teen drugs that he overdosed on. And I am lost as to knowing what to do. My teen seems so sweet and loving and polite to my face, but is very sneaky, deceitful and disrespectful behind my back, He has stolen from me, lied to my face and allowed kids to come in my home and use drugs and trash my home when I was gone. He did not even make them leave before I got home even though he knew I was on my way. When I had a meltdown after walking in to the damage, he responded that it was not "that bad" and that I "over reacted". His behavior reminds me of his father who is extremely bi-polar and most of this erratic behavior began after the overdose episode where he smoked something called "Purple Chronic". So I think he needs to be evaluated by someone, but he refuses to get treatment. So I am lost here and wonder if it might be too late for us.

Turning Disputes Into Teachable Moments

When moms and dads avoid disputes and disagreements at all cost with their adolescent (i.e., they do anything and everything to keep the peace), they are ignoring some of the greatest teaching moments they will ever have. Disagreement in and of itself is not what produces change for the better – it is how we, as parents, respond to it. Disagreement can be a force for good in families, but only if it is dealt with properly. The way we react can either deepen the relationship with our teens – or it can tear it down.

Most children simply want to know that they are being heard! Refusing to understand this principle and shutting-down any form of disagreement or conflict can build a wall between the two of you. Also, walls can build-up when you belittle your adolescent’s thoughts and feelings. The issue may seem like a small or “black and white” deal to you, but it could be confusing and all-encompassing to them. You can say something like, “I think I understand what you are saying, but let me try to repeat it so I’m sure.” Then, calmly repeat back what their issue and position is.

You can’t expect your adolescent to respect you - or your rules - if you don’t show respect to them. It’s important to acknowledge your adolescent’s viewpoint even if you don’t agree with it. Their view may be short-sighted, self-focused, and just plain irrational – but it is still one that they are going to want to defend to the end. Your response to their “point of view” needs to be respectful rather than reactionary or judgmental. Even so, if their position conflicts with your house-rules – and it’s an important matter of character or morality – you can say something like, “I understand now, but I don’t agree with your viewpoint, so we’re not going to follow that path. But let’s keep talking about it so I can better understand why you feel this way.”

Change comes out of relationship. Failing to listen during disagreements with your teen makes it difficult – if not impossible – for positive change to occur. Work to keep the lines of communication open, and make sure the relationship stays intact. If there is a smaller issue where you can give-in without compromising something very important, do it (just so they know you are listening). You don’t want your son or daughter to feel that you’re constantly turning a deaf ear to their way of thinking. They need to know that their concerns are being heard, and if there is NO hope of that, they will either become deceitful and just stop talking, or try other tactics (e.g., raging, acting-out their anger, ignoring you, etc.).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Handle Disputes and Disagreements—

1. All of the positives associated with having a dispute break down when disrespect creeps in from either party. Name calling, screaming, slamming doors, etc., are all acts that your youngster – and you – should avoid. When these things happen, the discussion needs to be put on hold until cooler heads prevail. That way, adolescents know they won’t get their way just by being angry or disrespectful. In fact, they end up shooting themselves in the foot because they lose the chance to make their case (at least until they can calm down). But be sure to come back to it and discuss it later that day. Don’t let disagreements fester too long, or they will eventually explode.

2. Deal with disagreements WHEN they happen – not after resentment has set-in. A problem that you overlook doesn’t just go away; instead, it becomes a building block in a wall that can grow and prevent both you and your youngster from properly responding to future disagreements. Each one that you address and resolve provides training for future “difference of opinion.”

3. Disagreement gives you a chance to get to know your youngster better. Sometimes during a dispute, children are more willing to open-up and express themselves. Be sure you don’t close the door during the conversation (even if it is heated) and allow them to say how they are feeling. They may blurt-out things they don’t really mean, or that could snap at you, so don’t take offense. We’ve all said things we wish we could take back. Adolescents do this more often because they haven’t learned how to manage their emotions. So try to understand the meaning behind the words, and give an element of grace to the actual words that are being said.

4. Having disagreements is great preparation for your adolescent in dealing with future conflict. The skills for dealing with disagreement that your adolescent learns from you will be needed throughout his/her life. The adult world is going to require them to resolve issues and disagreements with others, so you need to be sure you are giving them the tools they will need. And one day, they will have children too, so you can show them the way to the positive resolution of a disagreement.

5. Disagreement may show you a place where you are wrong. It’s a huge relationship builder to admit a mistake and to tell you teens that you are changing your position because of what they said. This will show them you value them as independent people. If you’re wrong, own up to it. If you’re right, don’t cave-in just to keep the peace and avoid an argument.

6. Disagreement presents a wonderful opportunity to reinforce your values and beliefs. All the things you have been teaching your teens before are brought into focus through applying your values to real-life situations. They may not agree with it, but they can at least begin to think about it.

7. Don’t let conflict spill-over and contaminate the rest of the relationship. It’s easy for the disagreement to take over every conversation. Be willing to press the pause button – not to overlook or ignore the problem, but to have time to take a break and re-establish connections over a meal or shared moments that have nothing to do with the dispute in question.

8. The relationship that you have been building with your youngster will bear fruit over time as long as you protect it. The dispute the two of you are having WILL challenge you, but you need to approach it as an “opportunity” rather than as a sign of “disrespect” or “defiance”. Don’t allow it to create a permanent crack in your relationship.

9. The symptoms of disagreement are not the problem …so you can’t resolve the problem by dealing with the symptoms. Keep the lines of communication open and the relationship strong, and you’ll successfully resolve any disputes that arise in the family.

10. Lastly, have plenty of patience as your teenager learns “the fine art of logical debate.”

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Keep Teens from Dropping-Out of High School

Teen: “School sucks. I’m not going anymore!”
Mother: “What!?” 

Teen: “I hate school …I quit!!”
Mother: “You can’t just quit, Michael!!” 

Teen: “Why not? People quit and get a GED all the time!!!”
Mother: “You have to finish high school. You don’t want to work at McDonald’s the rest of your life.”
Teen: “Whatever… I'm quitting, and you can't stop me.”

Whether your adolescent is being bullied at school or is struggling with classes, dropping-out of school should never be an option. Statistically speaking, high school drop-outs earn approximately $260,000 less than those who have their diploma and cost the U.S. over $319 billion in lost wages over the course of the drop-out’s lifetime. High school drop-outs often struggle to find happiness because, in most cases, career choices are relegated to low-income jobs with no advancement. The best way to keep an adolescent in school is through support, motivation and letting him/her see firsthand what would happen if he/she decided to quit.

Here are some important tips to keep your teenager in school until graduation:

1. Are serious problems occurring in the home (e.g., abuse, financial distress, grief, illness, etc.)? If so, these issues will need to be addressed first.

2. Ask each teacher to provide a customized solution as to how he/she can help your teenager in the classroom.

3. Be present in your adolescent’s life. Supporting and celebrating victories is important to keeping a teen in school. The at-risk adolescent needs a cheerleader to promote and raise him/her up when he/she does well. Also, you need to be able to help pick your adolescent up and find solutions when failure occurs in order to teach resiliency and tenacity. A consistent, loving role model who lets the adolescent know that he/she isn’t in this alone will help the student find the courage to continue with his/her education.

4. Bright and gifted adolescents sometimes advance beyond the level of their classes in some or all areas. Depending on talents and personality, they may also learn better in less structured environments. Sometimes the best solution for this is to find a college with an early entrance program and let the adolescent complete high school concurrent with freshman year. Switching to college is not dropping out!

5. Bullying is a serious epidemic that can destroy an adolescent’s life. Bullying is not limited to physical assault on or off school grounds, but can also be through gossip and slander in social media channels. Investigate to make sure your teenager is not being bullied (in silence).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Consider your adolescent's support structure. Is there a stable grown-up who supports your adolescent? Does your adolescent come from a family that values education - or has a mom or dad somehow diminished the value of having a high school diploma? Sometimes there is a cultural issue where there is a fear that an adolescent that is educated beyond the abilities of other family members will stop identifying with their cultural roots. This type of pressure can be very intense. In the United States, your adolescent is under the age of 18, the mom and dad must sign the teen out of school and agree to allow him/her to drop-out. Your adolescent’s support system has a considerable influence on whether he/she finally drops out or not.

7. Consult with a professional. Before you can create a strategic plan, you have to dig deeper into why your adolescent wants to drop-out. Meet with the guidance counselor at the school to pinpoint the reason and then investigate what has been done to remedy the situation. For example, if your adolescent has been struggling with academics, determine if he/she has been tested for a learning disability or ADHD. Explore tutoring options. Often a student who struggles in class responds very well to one-on-one learning. If the guidance counselor provides little or no assistance, consult with a child psychologist to have your adolescent evaluated.

8. Design a collaborative mission, including short and long term goals to engage your teen and help him/her progress.

9. Find good sources of relaxation for your adolescent. While it's important for him/her to do well in school, it's also important for you to provide a little relaxation time for your adolescent so he/she doesn't get overwhelmed.

10. Identify why your adolescent wants to drop-out of school. For an adolescent to want to drop-out of school, the reason(s) have to be pretty serious. If you can first get to the root of the problem, you can start to cultivate a solution that may work to help keep him/her in school.

11. If teenagers need to drop-out because of a severe unsolvable issue like bullying, teenage pregnancy, or a serious medical condition, they should be encouraged to get a GED. Adolescents can still go to college and get a career with a GED certificate if regular high school will not work. Education and a teen’s well-being should come first rather than where they studied.

12. If your adolescent is extremely unhappy, consider transferring him/her to a new school or providing alternate schooling options. As a mother or father, you can effectively counter your adolescent dropping out by providing alternative schooling, community collaboration, or career education.

13. Invite your child to take part in the strategic plan and provide feedback about what might be helpful to him/her in the classroom.

14. Is the adolescent constantly in trouble with school officials and/or law enforcement? Students who are often in trouble may be hiding a deeper reason why they are acting-out.

15. Is your adolescent constantly struggling to keep up with the rest of the class and often receives poor or failing grades? Has any type of intervention been performed, or has the student fallen through the cracks? Parents may need to get their child on an IEP if there have been no previous interventions.

16. Making educators aware that your adolescent is at risk will provide them with information to offer more support in the classroom.

17. Meet with administrators to develop a strategic plan. Once you’ve determined the reason and have researched previous efforts (if any) to help, meet with the adolescent’s team of educators to obtain feedback and create a plan. Don't put the blame on the school or the educators. Keep it positive. Everyone needs to feel like they are on the same side.

18. Set up a schedule to meet with educators and your teen on a regular basis (weekly, monthly or quarterly depending on the progress).

19. Several common reasons an adolescent could drop-out range from school insecurity, not keeping tabs on school work, family turmoil or drug problems. So, research, research, research! Find out what’s going on behind the curtain.

20. Unfortunately, many adolescent girls drop-out of school in order to care for their newborn or young child. In this case, parents should do some research on what services are available in the community for the teen mothers.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing with Defiant Children Who Refuse to Cooperate

"Any ideas on how to deal with a 7 y.o. son who does not do what he's told to do - even with the simplest of requests? He's the youngest of 4, and by far the most stubborn."

You have just told your youngster to do something (e.g., “Michael, turn off the TV and get ready for bed”), and he blatantly responds with something like, “No” or “You can’t make me.”

When defiant kids say, “You can’t make me,” they are asserting their control and challenging yours. They are silently hoping that you will rise to the challenge and try to control them. Like it or not, they are right. Parents can’t make children do anything against their will.

These kids are also upping the ante by challenging parents to come up with some consequence that will mean something to them. The “test” is to show parents their own powerlessness, and these kids will often laugh in the face of any consequences parents might use, even if at a later time they might wish they hadn’t.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to get kids to cooperate:

1. Kids who ask something like, “What are you going to do about it?” are not so much interested in your answer as they are in trying to prove how incapable you are of controlling their behavior. A good response to this question might be, “You are trying to decide if it’s worth it for you. That lets me know that you are in control and are choosing whether or not to behave. That means you’re also choosing to accept whatever the consequences are.”

2. Rarely, if ever, tell the youngster what the consequences will be for non-compliance, because (a) it generally doesn’t make a difference to them, and (b) vague consequences can serve to keep them emotionally off balance. Kids who are defiant don’t like uncertainty, and they are often more likely to make a decision to control their behavior if they don’t know what will happen. You could say, “Because you are telling me you’re in control, and it sounds like you’re just trying to see what will happen, is it worth it for you to act-up just to see what the outcome will be?”

3. Remain calm. Parents who can't control themselves can’t control the youngster or be in control of a situation. Remember that while your blood is reaching the boiling point, your youngster's may be also. Once that happens your youngster is no longer thinking clearly. Most efforts at talking and teaching will be a waste of time and energy. Defuse the situation as calmly and rationally as possible. To find a compromise with your youngster that will get the situation under control is not giving up control. You don't have to win every battle to win a war. After the situation is finished and everyone is calm, there will be time to talk about the situation and to agree on a consequence for what happened.

4. Acknowledge your child’s upset feelings when he’s mad. For example, the parent can say something like, "Ouch! That hurt my ears. I don't scream at you like that, please don't scream at me. I can see you are really upset to use that tone of voice. What can I do to help you?”

5. You can consciously choose to avoid getting into a power struggle. You might generally agree with the youngster by saying something like, “You are absolutely right. I can’t make you. The only person who can control you is you. I hope you make a good decision for yourself.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Avoid constant arguments and threats by using a system similar to the ones used in residential treatment programs. Set up a board that lists five or more levels of behavior and associated privileges. The middle level should be for acceptable behavior, next level up for effort at improvement, and highest level for exemplary behavior. The level below middle should be for demotion when the youngster misbehaves while the lowest level should be reserved for serious violations of house rules including not complying with the privileges associated with a certain level or demotion for misbehavior after being on the next to lowest level for prolonged periods. Here’s an example of this system:

Level 5—

• Requirements: Helpful without being asked. Follows all rules. 
• Privileges: 2 hours TV, 2 points/day, 1 hour video games, 1 hour later bedtime.

Level 4—

• Requirements: Helpful when asked. Follows rules well. 
• Privileges: 1½ hours TV, 1 point/day, 3/4 hour video games, 1/2 hour later bedtime.

Level 3—

• Requirements: Good behavior. Needs reminders to complete chores and follow rules. 
• Privileges: 1 hour TV, 1/2 hour video games, regular bedtime.

Level 2—

• Requirements: Some misbehavior. Requires frequent reminders to complete chores and follow rules. 
• Privileges: 1/2 hour earlier bedtime, 1/2 hour TV, no video games, must complete chores and schoolwork before play.

Level 1—

• Requirements: Severe infraction of rules. Unacceptable behavior. Fighting. Refusal to cooperate after warnings. Not complying with privileges for level. 
• Privileges: Grounded. No after school activities. No telephone. No plans with friends. No TV. Lose all points.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When Defiant Teens Play One Parent Against The Other: Tips For Divorced Parents

Scenario: Kylee is 16-years-old. Her parents are divorced. She spends the weekends with her dad and stepmother. Unfortunately, her biological parents are not on the same page with respect to parenting styles and disciplinary techniques. Her mom is rather permissive (i.e., few rules, few consequences for breaking rules), but her dad is somewhat authoritarian (i.e., a lot of rules, serious punishment for breaking the rules).

One day before dinner, Kylee’s dad says, “Put your cell phone away. We don’t text while we eat!” Kylee’s retort is, “I don’t have to follow that rule …that’s not a rule at our house (mother’s house). I text whenever I want to at home!”

Then the arguing and yelling between father and daughter begins! You know the rest of the story…

Defiant teens know the value of playing their parents against each other. They learned a long time ago that just because dad has said “no” doesn’t mean mom won’t say “yes.” Many defiant teens of divorced parents constantly point out inconsistent enforcement of the rules by parents, and these teens use this as a rationale for their own behavior. What the defiant teenager is trying to do is make an issue of whether or not her divorced parents are consistent with the rules (rather than focusing on the real issue, which is whether she is choosing to follow or break the rules).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Unfortunately, many parents fall for this. There seems to be an irrational belief that if both parents treat the teenager the same way, she will behave. The total weight of the teen’s behavior is put on the parents, and the responsibility is built on enforcement rather than on compliance.

Although consistent enforcement does help keep the rule in the forefront, inconsistent enforcement neither causes nor excuses inappropriate behavior. The issue isn’t whether the parent is or isn’t being fair or consistent, rather the issue is that the teenager is violating the rule and is looking for someone else to blame.

While a certain amount of manipulation is normal in adolescence, if it occurs constantly, it may indicate underlying familial problems. Teens who frequently pit one parent against the other may be acting-out the tension they feel between their parents. That’s one reason this type of manipulation is especially common among children and teens whose parents are separated or divorced. In divorced families, parents are rarely on the same team, and defiant teens often attempt to use this fracture to their advantage.

Co-parents are often racked with guilt over the failed marriage and the back and forth position the children often find themselves in. Sometimes co-parents are insecure about the family dynamics and make it their goal to be the “favorite” parent. Because of this guilt and/or insecurity, it is very tempting for co-parents to try to please the teenager at all costs, becoming excessively indulgent and ignoring the other parent’s household rules.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

On the other extreme, it is not uncommon for one parent to feel compelled to “lay down the law” in order to keep the teenager “in line.” In the case where one parent is tough and the other parent is soft, the teenager will automatically prefer the softer parent, which also causes huge riffs between the teen and her tougher parent.

Co-parents should work diligently at communicating reasonable expectations regarding routines and household rules in an attempt to get on the same page. If they can’t effectively communicate, or if their parenting styles are not even in the same book, let alone on the same page, they need to arm themselves with some appropriate responses to effectively combat the teen’s manipulative tactics. One way to do this would be to acknowledge to your teen that you understand that there are different rules at the other parent’s house, but while she is at your house, she must follow your rules – no exceptions.

Your teenager will be reassured when you fail the “test” she is putting you through (i.e., trying to guilt-trip you into being more like the softer parent). Children need to feel secure. Children seek predictable limits. It is safe to say that, if your teenager is constantly playing you against the other parent, she is feeling insecure and needs some reassurance that you care more about parenting her than you do about fighting with the other parent.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teens Who Steal Prescription Drugs From Parents

 "We suspect our teen son has been pilfering my sleep medication (along with a couple other prescriptions). How should we approach this... we have no solid proof as of yet."

This is not an uncommon problem. You, the parent of an unruly teenager, may inadvertently be a big source of prescription medications he/she is using behind your back. More often than not, medicine cabinets are your teen’s “go-to” spot of choice. A whopping 61% of adolescents report that prescription medications are easier to get than illegal medications, and 41% of adolescents mistakenly believe use of medicines is less dangerous than use of illegal street medications.

One out of every two Americans is on prescription drugs. So these medications are readily available. People think they're safe because they're prescribed by a physician, and more adolescents are turning to the medicine cabinet to get their medications of choice.

Here are the five classes of prescription medications teens get most often in their own homes:

• Cough medications: Contain DXM, which acts in way that is similar to morphine. They can cause respiratory depression, brain hemorrhage, nausea, and vomiting, and prompt thousands of emergency room visits each year.
• Narcotic pain relievers: Excess use can cause respiratory depression, even coma and death. Mild use can cause constipation, depression, and problems concentrating. These are the ones most commonly used by adolescents.
• Sedatives/tranquilizers: Such as Valium, can cause impaired coordination, which can be a real danger if someone is driving. They can also cause drowsiness and depression.
• Sleep Aids: Such as Ambien, have a high potential for use (even in grown-ups), and there are reports that adolescents use it recreationally because they get a "high" by trying to fight the sleepy feeling -- and can have visual hallucinations.
• Stimulants: Such as Ritalin, can cause nervousness, insomnia, and toxic psychosis. They can be used by grown-ups and adolescents trying for what they perceive as better concentration.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The risks of adolescent prescription drug use are momentous, yet few grown-ups in a position to take action against them have realistic grip on this new frontier of adolescent crime. Not only do drug companies deceive the public to make a buck, but they influence the judgment of many physicians, paying them well to give speeches and sales pitches promoting their medications to other physicians.

From 2000 to 2005, drug maker payments to psychiatrists rose more than six-fold, to $1.6 million. During those same years, medications of anti-psychotics for kids in the Medicaid program rose more than nine-fold. It is sad, yet self-evident, that the politics of money have long infiltrated the offices of many of those who should be defending adolescents from prescription drug use. The fact is that whether people use their medications legally or not, the company still makes money on every tablet.

The culture growing between teenagers who use prescription medications is poignantly different from that around other drugs. First, know that these medications are much cheaper than most other drugs, and many adolescents get them for free, from medicine cabinets, peers, or their own prescribed medications (e.g., Ritalin). The price for a tablet of the most commonly used drug medications ranges from 3 to 6 dollars, with prices getting cheaper in bulk. OxyContin and other stronger medications can be a little more. Prices vary based on availability and on how many milligrams are in the dose. What this means is that not only can teens often afford to take them every day, but they do not have to buy them to try them since the low cost makes many happy to share.

The issue of prescription drug use is not new, so why has it been sidelined for so long, and why has the threat been growing so much faster in recent years? First consider that tablets and capsules have a connotation of safety, especially for naïve, risk-taking teenagers. The primary reasons for this connotation are because tablets and capsules are easier to take than smoking marijuana or drinking liquor and are professionally manufactured in a lab. They are easily available, comparatively cheap, and inconspicuous to carry around. Furthermore, most adolescents see them being used legally, often by their moms and dads.

An adolescent might easily say to his/her mother or father, “If you can take them, why can’t I? We do it for the same reasons.” Perhaps this is part of what many moms and dads misinterpret about adolescent drug use. Much more often than a parent might think, adolescents are abusing prescription medications not to get high, but rather to be less depressed, less stressed-out, more focused, or better rested. If moms and dads are not drawing the line, then how will their kids learn to?

Direct-to-consumer drug advertising was approved by the Food and Drug Administration in 1997. Since then, most people have come to take it for granted that their lives will be flooded with ads for prescription medications. These ads do not take a medical degree to understand, yet many of the products they advertise do. Someone who is nineteen now was nine when the floodgates opened. The result is that ever since today’s adolescents have been aware of prescription medications, their understanding of them has been largely shaped by the drug companies.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

It should be no surprise that so many adolescents now believe the industry message that “tablets and capsules offer a cure for any ill.” Which ones to take, many ads suggest, is largely a matter of personal choice. Many teenagers come to view school-related stressors as a series of problems that can be solved with tablets and capsules. Being an adolescent can mean being fixated on personal problem. Unfortunately, many adolescents have not realized that using prescription medications only brings them more difficulty.

With other drugs, like marijuana and cocaine, adolescents often have to look around quite a bit to find a dealer, who also routinely sells prescription medications, often importing them in quantity from countries like Mexico that allow you to buy anything you like over the counter. Yet the primary means of trafficking prescription medications, especially for adolescents, is through social networks (e.g., peers and classmates). The effect of adolescent's sharing and trading medications at little or no increased price, is that drug dealers often can’t make as much money on these medications as they can on others for which they completely control the supply.

The multitude of ways adolescents take prescription medications and mix them with other drugs making "cocktails" demonstrates how their uses lead straight to even more destructive drug habits. All three major categories of used drugs can be easily crushed and snorted, making the sensation more instant and overwhelming, and very often leading adolescents to seek out cocaine and speed. Opiates and CNS depressants are frequently crushed and smoked, often with marijuana. The injection of Opiates and CNS depressants among adolescents, by crushing them and mixing the powder with water, is also growing. The trend is especially alarming given some of these medications similarity to heroin, especially OxyContin.

The reality of the ongoing prescription swap-meet between adolescents has long-term implications for the mental health of many children who may grow up without learning how to make themselves feel healthy without illegal medications. Another alarming trend with prescription medications is that females are more likely to use them than males. The National Survey on Drug Use and Health reported in 2002 that 4.3% of female adolescents reported abusing prescription medications in the last month in comparison to 3.6% of male adolescents. The disparity is likely due in part to the propensity of many adolescents to pop tablets and capsules to lose weight. The effect prescription medications have on one's judgment can interact with eating disorders to raise a host of fresh health threats. What many moms and dads find most painful about adolescent prescription drug use is that, because most adolescents are always willing to sell-off a few tablets and capsules, many more kids are in effect becoming drug dealers.

The growing amount of medications in more homes means, not only that they are more easily available to adolescents, but also that they may feel more commonplace and safe to adolescents. A consequence of this is that many adolescents are happy to play physician for their peers. Teens crudely mimic their physicians’ behaviors, using phrases such as, “All you have to do is try a little more or a little less, or you can always switch to something similar.” It is normal to hear adolescents express this attitude saying something like, “I don't think it is wrong -- when I have the prescription medication I know a friend needs to make them feel better, I give them a tablet or two.”

The universe of available prescription medications is too great for almost anyone to keep close track, especially with the astronomical number of new medications and generics introduced every year. Yet a practical understanding of the tablets and capsules most often popped is vital for moms and dads to fight back.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What can parents do?

Putting medications under lock and key seems obvious, yet use usually gets started because moms and dads don't. In addition to this practice, count your tablets and capsules, keeping a sticky note on the bottle where you can initial and write the number of tablets and capsules left every time you take some. This practice may sound like a lot of paperwork, but it is a clear signal to adolescents that you are constantly vigilant on the issue, and it should help provide a deterrent.

Ask your physician if your medications are often used and how, so that you know the symptoms. Most drugs will not get you high or serve adolescents' perceived self-medication needs. If this is the case with your medications, you should be open with your adolescent about it, joking "you would not get a rush from taking my heart medication -- I sure don't."

It's not just prescription medications, but over-the-counter as well that moms and dads need to focus on. Talk to your kids. Let them know that, just because they're prescribed by a physician, doesn't mean they couldn't be deadly.

Once you have taken the initial steps to become more informed, and to secure the drugs in your home, considering how to discuss the issue with your family is the next move. Begin by listening. Just starting a general conversation on prescription medications can illuminate your adolescent's tendencies before you clam them up with warnings and rules. Once you have learned your adolescent's honest opinions on the issue, set clear expectations with your adolescent, letting them know that under no circumstances should they ever take drugs without your knowledge. Let them know that if they ever feel curious about whether they would benefit from taking drugs that you would love to discuss it with them and the family physician or counselor. Your kids tune you out when you lecture them, so use teachable moments to get the message across instead (e.g., organizing the bathroom, swinging by the pharmacy).

Prescription drug use has been played down for so long that reaching out to the community for support is even more critical than with other drugs and liquor. If you are the only person in their life concerned about it, it is much easier for adolescents to discount your warnings. Making sure that your adolescent's physician is actively addressing the issue when he or she talks with your adolescent is vital. Next, meet with the adolescent's school counselor, nurse, and principal, to hear what they have to say about the issue in your adolescent's peer group. Make sure that the most current information is included in your adolescent's health class and that all moms and dads are being asked to lock-up and count their tablets and capsules.

It is highly unlikely that you can prevent your adolescent from being exposed to prescription drug use. The question is how you can help him/her to think critically and respond confidently. If your adolescent is showing a special curiosity about prescription medications, it usually means that he/she at least has peers who are abusing them. When you observe this curiosity, satisfy it with the facts. Let him/her know that taking a tablet one can’t identify or wasn’t prescribed is like playing Russian roulette.

The risks of overdosing, date rape, and taking a tablet that kills you are things that too many moms and dads as well as adolescents are not talking about. Experimenting with and becoming dependent on prescription medications is a swift path to the people, situations, and other medications that are even more dangerous for adolescents. Times are changing, and so are the cultures and methods of prescription drug use.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing with Teens and Their Mood Swings

"I need some ideas on how to deal with my son's relentless bad moods (angry all the time, seems depressed, isolates in his bedroom and has no social life to speak of)."

Mood swings in adolescents are extremely common, and the best that moms and dads can do is to dig-in their heels and get ready for a few years of turbulence. At one point or another, virtually all adolescents deal with seemingly extreme shifts in mood.

Causes of Mood Swings in Adolescents—

Adolescence is a period of chaos and stress. This period of time will be marked by drama and “frustrated idealism” regardless of environmental factors. Cultural, spiritual, and familial factors play a role in whether or not an adolescent experiences “severe” mood swings. Most researchers agree that mood swings are a combination of biological and emotional factors that affect an adolescent’s mood:

1. Adolescence is a time when the body starts producing sex hormones as well as going through a major growth spurt. The physical changes that adolescents experience cause them to feel strange and perhaps confused or uncomfortable, and this erodes their sense of security. Because of the effect that this has on their psychological state, they may strike out or experience conflicting moods.

2. Researchers have discovered that the brain continues to grow and develop through adolescence much more than originally thought. Because the brain reaches 90% of its full size by the age of six, it has historically been believed that it had also reached almost full development. Now it is believed that the brain changes much more during the teenage years than previously believed. The grey matter on the outer part of the brain thickens over time with this process peaking at age 11 in females and age 12 in males. After this process is over, the brain begins to trim away excess grey matter that is not used, leaving only the information that the brain needs and making the brain more efficient. One of the last areas to go through this trimming process is the prefrontal cortex, which is the area of the brain responsible for judgment, self-control, and planning. This means that, while adolescents have very strong emotions and passions, they don’t have the mechanisms in place to control these emotions.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teens are capable of very strong emotions and very strong passions, but their prefrontal cortex hasn't caught up with them yet. It's as though they don't have the brakes that allow them to slow those emotions down. Researchers say this may help explain the often irrational behavior of teens (e.g., mood swings, risk-taking, etc.). Psychologists believe this new understanding of the teenage brain and its limitations can help mothers and fathers recognize there are some behaviors teens can’t easily control. The more educators and the more moms and dads that understand that there is a biological limitation to the teenager’s ability to control and regulate emotion, the more they may be able to be a bit more understanding, and thus avoid taking certain behaviors personally (e.g., an occasional disrespectful attitude).

3. Adolescents are typically very preoccupied with identity formations and becoming entities with lives separate from those of their moms and dads. This can cause confusion or frustration. While the world seems to be changing constantly around them, they feel as though they can’t keep up or handle the pressure, and this leads to a slightly off-kilter emotional state.

4. Adolescents have not yet developed the ability to deal with the pressures, frustrations, and anxieties of life. As their lives become more complicated and adult-like, they don’t have the built-in coping mechanisms that adults have developed to help them deal, so they are prone to react very emotionally to situations.

How Mood Swings Affect Adolescents—

Mood swings can leave an adolescent feel like they’re out of control, which is a very uncomfortable state for anyone to be in. Of course, if the mood swings are severely abnormal or prolonged, the adolescent should see a professional about other possible issues. Normal adolescent mood swings can make an adolescent feel unbalanced, though, and are not to be taken lightly.

Here are some tips for what your adolescent can do when dealing with a mood swing:

• Exercise - exercise releases endorphin into the blood stream, and these chemicals can help to regulate mood and ease frustration.

• Get creative – painting, drawing, writing, or building something can help an adolescent to express their emotions in a healthy way.

• Get plenty of rest – regular sleep helps keep the mind in tip-top shape.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

• Realize that they’re not alone – talking to a friend or peer who is dealing with the same issues will make them feel less abnormal and help them realize that they are not crazy.

• Take a breather – stepping back and trying to look at the situation from another angle, counting to ten, or just sitting with the uncomfortable feelings for a moment will help the adolescent to realize that it’s not as bad as it seems.

• Wait – the mood may pass as quickly as it struck; wait before acting out on extreme emotions.

Treating Mood Swings—

There are a variety of treatment options available to cope with mood swings. Examine the following list and decide which treatment might work best for you and your teenager:

1. Behavioral Therapy: Behavioral therapy helps to weaken the connections between troublesome situations and habitual reactions to them. Reactions common to mood swings such as fear, anxiety, depression, anger, and self-damaging behavior can be controlled. Behavioral therapy teaches your adolescent how to calm the mind and body, so they can feel better, think more clearly, and make better decisions.

2. Cognitive Therapy: Cognitive therapy teaches your adolescent how certain thinking patterns are causing your symptoms — by giving a distorted picture of what's going on in their life, and making them feel anxious, depressed or angry for no apparent reason, or provoking them into negative actions. Resolving the cognitive aspect of mood swings can mean improved social interaction, more confidence, and a more positive outlook on life.

3. Literary Therapy: Literary therapy incorporates books, articles, and other research materials into the process of healing. By gathering information about mood swings, one can acquire in-depth knowledge about his or her problems. This knowledge provides the essential tools for controlling and resolving ones issues. There is an extensive amount of information available from a wide range of perspectives. Many books can be checked out from a local library, and most internet information is presented free of charge.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Non-prescriptive Alternatives: There are many non-prescription alternatives on the market today. Some of these alternatives contain supplemental vitamins and minerals, while others contain herbal alternatives that have been used to naturally medicate mood swings. Clinical evidence for Valerian, Kava Kava and St. Johns Wort suggests that these herbal constituents can provide significant benefit in helping to relieve negative mood and other symptoms related to anxiety and depression.

5. Talk Therapy: Talk therapy involves the idea of healing through communication. Talking to friends, family members, or a therapist can help your adolescent to find support for those dealing with mood swings. Communication comes naturally to humans, and the simple act of discussing one’s problems can be extremely helpful in the healing process.

6. Talking to the Medical professional about Mood Swings: An important part in the diagnosis and treatment of mood swings is communicating with your medical professional is. By talking to your medical professional openly, you allow him/her to provide your teenager with the best treatment program possible. It is extremely important that you maintain open communication with your medical professional. He/she can help you to understand your symptoms and treatment options. The first step is to find a medical professional or that's right for you. Once you have started a treatment plan, it is important for you to provide your medical professional with updates about how you are feeling. Sometimes it is difficult to remember all of the points you want to discuss in your visit.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents