Harmful Peer-Pressure: 10 Tips for Parents

Friendships can affect many areas of children’s lives (e.g., grades, how they spend their time, what clubs they join, how they behave in public places, etc.). Youngsters who have trouble forming friendships are more likely to:

• do poorly in school
• drop out
• get involved in delinquent behavior
• have poor self-esteem
• suffer from a range of psychological problems as grown-ups

Kids of all ages need to feel that they “fit in.” As kids approach the teenage years, the need to be "one of the gang" is stronger than at any other age. Friendships become closer and more important and play a key part in allowing children and young teens to sort out who they are and where they're headed. They are likely to form small groups or cliques, each with a special identity (e.g., jocks, brains, preppies, geeks, etc.).

Many moms and dads worry that their kids’ friends will become so influential in their lives that their own roles will diminish. They worry still more that their kids' peers will encourage them to take part in harmful activities.

Peers do influence one another's attitudes and behavior. Over time, peers become more and more similar in their attitudes and behavior. For example, teens whose peers described themselves as more disruptive in school increased in disruption themselves over the school year.

The peak period for peer influence is generally from seventh to ninth grades. During this time, peers often influence taste in music, clothes or hairstyles, as well as the activities in which youngsters choose to participate. However, peers do not replace moms and dads. You are still the most important influence in your youngster's life. Young adolescents are more inclined to turn to their moms and dads than to peers for guidance in deciding what post-high-school plans to make, what career to select, and what religious and moral values to choose. This influence is greatest when the bond between parent and youngster is strong.

Here are some tips to guide parents in helping their children and young teenagers to form good friendships:

1. Get to know the moms and dads of your youngster's peers. You don't have to be best buddies, but it helps to know if other parents’ attitudes and approaches to parenting are similar to yours. You need to know if someone is around at the other house to supervise. Knowing the other mother or father makes it easier to learn what you need to know (e.g., where your youngster is going, who he's going with, what time the activity starts and ends, whether a parent will be present, how your youngster will get to and from the activity, etc.).

2. Get to know your youngster's peers. A good way to learn about your youngster's peers is to drive them to events (talking with them in the car can reveal a lot). You can also welcome your youngster's peers into your home. Make it a place with food and a comfortable atmosphere. Having your youngster's peers at your home can provide you with peace of mind and allow you to set the rules of conduct, as well as help you to gain a better understanding of what they talk about and what their concerns are.

3. Model good friendships. The example of friendship you provide has a bigger impact on your youngster's friendships than any lecture. Kids who see their moms and dads treat each other and their peers with kindness and respect have an advantage. Baking cookies for the new neighbor or offering a listening ear for an unhappy buddy sends your youngster a powerful message.

4. Monitor friendships to help your youngster avoid risky and unhealthy behavior. Children and young teens need supervision, including during the important after-school hours. Keep tabs on who your youngster's peers are and what they do when they get together. Don't be afraid to be the jerk that makes the phone call to the other house to make sure that your youngster is there. And don't be afraid to say “no.” Many moms and dads have different opinions as to whether a parent should try to stop the kid from seeing a friend that the parent dislikes. Many youngsters will rebel if told they can't spend time with certain peers. It is suggested that you let your youngster know that you disapprove of a friendship – and why you disapprove. Also, limit the amount of time and the activities that you allow with that friend.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

5. Provide your youngster with some unstructured time in a safe place to hang around with peers. Activities are important, but too many piano lessons or basketball practices can lead to burnout. Allowing your youngster some unstructured time with peers in a safe place with adult supervision lets her develop important social skills. For instance, among her peers, your youngster can learn that good peers:

• respect others
• possess a sense of humor
• are helpful and confident
• are good listeners
• are enthusiastic

Spending time with others may also help your youngster to change some behaviors that make others uncomfortable around her (e.g., being too serious or unenthusiastic, critical of others or too stubborn).

6. Recognize that peer pressure can be bad or good. Most children and young adolescents are drawn to peers who are similar to them. If your youngster chooses peers who are not interested in school and who make poor grades, she may be less willing to study or complete assignments. If she chooses peers who like school and do well in their studies, however, her motivation to get good grades may be strengthened. Peers who avoid alcohol and drugs also will exert a positive influence on your youngster.

7. Talk with your youngster about peers and about making choices. It's normal for children and teens to care about what others think of them. This makes it especially important for you to talk with your youngster about resisting the pressure to disobey the rules or go against the standards and values that he has been taught. You can talk with him about how to be a good friend and about how all friendships have their ups and downs. You can also talk about the importance of making good choices when he is with peers (e.g., “If it feels wrong, it probably is”). 

8. Teach your youngster how to get out of a bad situation. Talk with your youngster about dangerous or inappropriate situations that might arise and about possible ways to handle them. For example, ask your 13-year-old daughter what she would do if a guest arrived at a slumber party with a bottle of alcohol in her overnight bag. Ask your 14-year-old son how he would handle a suggestion from a friend to cut school and head for a nearby burger joint. Ideally, youngsters themselves can be the ones to say "no" to a potentially dangerous or destructive situation. But if they haven't learned this skill yet, one mother has this suggestion: “Sometimes children don't want to do what their peers want them to do. I tell my children to blame me—to tell their peers that ‘their mother says no’. This helps get them off the hook.” 

9. No youngster going out for an evening should be without change for a phone call. As a last resort, this may be her lifeline. A cell phone is also appropriate (if family finances allow one and if the youngster knows how to use it responsibly).

10. Have ongoing conversation with your child about ways to avoid negative peer pressure, for example:

• "Be true to yourself. Make your own choices. Get to know who you are and what is good for you and your life." 
• "Hang out with a range of different peers and listen to what is important to them. There is no ‘one way’ of doing or viewing things. Think about what is most important to you and who you are as a person! You might find that a different group of peers is more like you." 
• "If someone is pressuring you to do something you don't want to, talk to someone you know will listen and help you. Keeping it inside and carrying your worries around can make things even harder to deal with."
• "Learn from your mistakes, and learn from your peers – their successes and their mistakes. This can help you make positive choices about your own fun-loving life!"
• "Think about what someone gets out of pressuring you to do something. Is this really for your benefit? Or for theirs? What do they get out of forcing you to do something you don't want to?"
• "Think about what you are getting out of the choices you are making. What would you like for yourself in the future? How are the choices you are making now going to help or hinder your ability to achieve these goals? What might you do to get there in the most successful way you can?"

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Help Your Young Teen to Be More Confident

Young adolescents (13 – 15 years of age) often feel inadequate. They have new bodies and developing minds, and their relationships with peers and parents are in flux. They understand for the first time that they aren't good at everything. The changes in their lives may take place more rapidly than their ability to adjust to them.

Poor self-esteem often peaks in the early teenage years, and then improves during middle and late adolescence. At any age, however, a lack of confidence can be a serious problem, for example:

• Young adolescents with poor self-esteem can be lonely, awkward with others, and sensitive to criticism and with what they see as their shortcomings.
• Young adolescents with low confidence are less likely to join in activities and form friendships. This isolates them further and slows their ability to develop a better self-image.
• When they do make friends, they are more vulnerable to negative peer pressure.
• Some younger teenagers who lack confidence hold back in class.
• Others act out to gain attention.
• A lack of confidence is often linked with self-destructive behavior and habits (e.g., smoking or drug or alcohol use).

Females often experience deeper self-doubts than do males (although there are many exceptions). This can be for many reasons:

• Females mature physically about two years earlier than do males, and this requires them to deal with issues of how they look, popularity and sexuality before they are emotionally mature enough to do so.
• Females may receive confusing messages about the importance of achievement. Although females are told that achievement is important, some also fear that they won't be liked, especially by males, if they come across as too smart or too capable, especially in the areas of math, science and technology.
• Society sends females the message that it is important for them to get along with others and to be very, very thin and pretty. Life can be just as hard, however, for a male who thinks he has to meet society's expectations that males have to be good at sports and other physical activities.

Most psychologists now believe that self-esteem and self-confidence represent a range of feelings that a youngster has about himself in many different situations. Teenagers may think about a number of situations: competing on the track team, studying math, dating, taking care of younger brothers or sisters and so on. A teenager is likely to feel more confident doing some of these things than others. She may feel very good about her athletic ability and skill at math, but feel bad about her dating life. She may also have mixed feelings about how good a sister she is to her baby brother. How good this adolescent feels about herself ties to how important these areas are to her. If having a very active dating life is the most important area of her life, this young lade will feel bad about herself. If being a scholar-athlete is most important area, then she will feel very good about herself.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Tips on how to help your young teen develop confidence:

1. Create a calm environment in your home through your own behavior. If you are anxious, you need to explain to your youngster what you are feeling and why. Kids take emotional cues from those they love.

2. As grown-ups, most of us have confidence. This confidence comes about through years of experiencing success, but also through years of exploring strengths and weakness and choosing to stress different parts of our lives. Most of us would be unhappy if we had to do only those things that we are not good at. As grown-ups, we tend to find our areas of strength and - to the extent we can – pursue these areas more than others. For a young teen, however, it is difficult to downplay the areas in which they are less confident. For instance, it’s very hard for a teenage girl with academic skills to focus on school rather than on dating, when all of her friends are dating and telling her how important dating is. For a mother or father, this can be frustrating and a cause for concern, because you know that – whether or not that cute boy asked out your daughter – it will have little consequence on her life for the long run, but you also know that she can’t yet see this!

3. Help young adolescents feel safe and trust in themselves. The ability of teenagers to trust in themselves comes from receiving unconditional love that helps them to feel safe and to develop the ability to solve their own problems. Your youngster, like all others, will encounter situations that require her to lean on you. But always relying on you to bail her out of tough situations can stunt her emotional growth. Thus, parents must teach their youngsters how to cope with the things they encounter, instead of easing the path.

4. Help your youngster to separate fact from fiction. Discuss facts with your youngster and avoid guessing, exaggerating or overreacting.

5. Listen to what your youngster has to say. Assure him that grown-ups are working to make homes and schools safe.

6. Monitor your youngster's television, radio and Internet activity. Help her to avoid overexposure to violent images, which can heighten her anxiety.

7. Praise is meaningful to teenagers when it comes from those they love and count on most (i.e., parents). Praising your youngster will help her to gain confidence. However, the compliments that you give her must be genuine. She will recognize when they are not. 

8. The best way to instill confidence in teens is to give them successful experiences. Set them up to succeed—give them experiences where they can see how powerful they are. Children can engineer those experiences. Part of being confident is having the ability to “figure out” what to do when you don't “know” what to do. Help your youngster to build confidence in his abilities by encouraging him to take an art class, act in a play, join a soccer or baseball team, participate in science fairs or computer clubs or play a musical instrument—whatever he likes to do that brings out the best in him. However, don't “push” a particular activity on your youngster. Most teenagers resist efforts to get them to do things that they don't enjoy. Pushing them to participate in activities they haven't chosen for themselves can lead to frustration. Try to balance your youngster's experiences between activities that he is already good at doing with new activities or with activities that he is not so good at doing. 

9. Talk about anxieties that are related to school violence and to global terrorism. Many kids have seen terrifying images of death and destruction on television and on the Internet. You can help your youngster to understand that although the country has suffered awful acts of terror, we are strong people who can come together and support each other through difficult times. Use historical examples (e.g., Pearl Harbor, the Challenger space shuttle explosion, etc.) to explain to your youngster that bad things happen to innocent people, but that people go on with their lives and resolve even terrible situations.

10. You can also help your youngster to build confidence by assigning him family responsibilities at which he can succeed (e.g., unloading the dishwasher, mowing the lawn, etc.).

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How Much Independence Should Parents Give To Young Teens?

As kids enter the teenage years, they often beg for more freedom. Moms and dads walk a tightrope between (a) wanting their kids to be confident and able to do things for themselves and (b) knowing that the world can be a scary place with threats to their kid’s health and safety.

Some moms and dads allow too much of the wrong kind of freedom, or they offer freedom before the teen is ready to accept it. Other moms and dads cling too tightly, denying young adolescents both the responsibilities they require to develop maturity and the opportunities they need to make choices and accept their consequences.

Research tells us that teenagers do best when they remain closely connected to their moms and dads, but at the same time, are allowed to have their own points of view – and even to disagree with their mother or father.

Here are 10 crucial parenting tips to help you balance closeness and independence:

1. Teenagers look to their moms and dads first and foremost in shaping their lives. When it comes to morals and ethics, political beliefs and religion, adolescents almost always have more in common with their parents than their parents believe. As a mother or father, you should look beyond the surface, beyond the specific behaviors to who your youngster is becoming. Your adolescent may want to dye her hair orange or pierce her lip, but these expressions may be independent of her sense of who she is and who she will become.

At the same time that many of your youngster's behaviors are ultimately harmless, some of them may not only be harmful but also deadly. Moms and dads need to talk to their kids and make it clear that many of the major threats to their future health and happiness are not a matter of chance, but are a matter of choice (e.g., drinking and driving, smoking, drugs, sexual activity, dropping out of school, etc.). Teenagers who engage in one risky behavior are more likely to participate in others, so moms and dads need to be front and center, talking to their kids about the negative consequences of getting started down the wrong path.

2. Most young adolescents respond best to specific instructions, which are repeated regularly. For example, don't just say, “I want your room clean,” because they don't know what that means. Say instead (in a non-argumentative way), “This is how I see a clean room: the clothes are off the floor, the bed is made, and the lamp is on the desk rather than the floor.” Your child may say something like, “I don't really want the lamp over here …I want it over there.” In this case, give your child the freedom to express himself or herself.

3. Choices make young adolescents more open to guidance. For example, you can tell your daughter that her English homework must be done before bedtime, but that she has a choice of completing it either before or after dinner. And you can tell your 13-year-old son that he can't hang around the video arcade with his friends on Friday night, but he can have a group of friends over to your house to watch a movie.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Using humor and creativity as you give choices may also make your youngster more willing to accept them. One mother couldn't get her son to hang up clean clothes or put dirty clothes in the laundry basket. So she gave him two options: either all the clothes had to be picked up, or everything would go on the floor. The mother later commented, "I was washing the clothes and then putting them in piles on the floor. It made me crazy, but it worked." After two weeks, her son got tired of the stacks on the floor and began picking up his clothes.

4. The more mature and responsible a young adolescent's behavior is, the more privileges moms and dads can grant. You might first give your child the right to choose which tennis shoes to buy within a certain price range. Later you can let her make other clothing purchases (with the understanding that price tags won't be removed until you approve the items). Eventually, you can give her a clothing allowance to spend as she likes.

5. It’s important for moms and dads to strike a good balance between “laying down the law” and allowing too much freedom. With most young adolescents, it's easiest to maintain this balance by guiding but not controlling. Adolescents need opportunities to explore different roles, try on new personalities and experiment. They need to learn that choices have consequences. That means making some mistakes and accepting the results. But moms and dads need to provide guidance so that their children avoid making too many poor choices. You can guide by being a good listener and by asking questions that help your youngster to think about the results of his actions, for example, "What might happen if you let someone who is drunk drive you home?"

Your guidance may be better appreciated if you ask your youngster's advice on a range of matters – and follow the advice if it seems reasonable, for example, "What should we cook for your father’s birthday?" Also, the fine line between guiding and controlling may be different for different kids. Some kids, whether they are 8 or 18, need firmer guidance and fewer privileges than do other kids at the same age.

6. The most important responsibility you have as a mother or father is to protect your youngster's health and safety. Your youngster needs to know that your love for him requires you to veto activities and choices that threaten either of these. Let him know what things threaten his health and safety – and put your foot down! Doing this may be difficult, however, because teenagers have a sense that nothing can hurt them. At the same time that your child feels that everything he experiences is new and unique, he also believes that what happens to others will not happen to him. His beliefs are based on the fact that the teenage years are the healthiest period of time during our lives. In this period, physical illnesses are not common, and fatal disease is rare. The important thing to emphasize to your youngster is that, while he may be very healthy, death and injury during the teenage years are most often caused by violence and accidents.

7. We, as parents, want our kids to eventually become healthy grown-ups who can solve problems and make good choices. These abilities are a critical part of being independent. To develop these abilities, however, young adolescents on occasion may need to fail, provided the stakes aren't too high and no one's health or safety is at risk. Making mistakes also allows adolescents to learn one critical skill: how to bounce back. It's hard for a youngster to learn how to pick herself up and start over if her mother always rescues her from difficulties.

8. Don’t lose credibility in your child’s eyes. For example, if you tell your son that he must be home by 9:30 p.m., do not ignore his 11:30 p.m. arrival. You lose credibility with your youngster if he suffers no consequences for returning home 2 hours late. However, the consequence should fit the “crime.” Grounding a youngster for an entire month restricts the entire family. Instead, you might talk with him about how coming in 2 hours late has affected you. You've been up worrying and have missed your sleep. But you'll still have to get up the next morning at your regular time, make breakfast, do your chores and get to work on time. Because his lack of consideration has made your life harder, he will have to complete some of your chores so that you can get to bed earlier the next night.

9. Some battles aren't worth fighting. It may offend you if your daughter wears a shirt to school that clashes wildly with her pants, but this isn't a choice that can cut off future possibilities for her. Young adolescents may have a growing sense of the future, but they still lack the experiences required to fully understand how a decision they make today can affect them tomorrow. They may have heard that smoking is unhealthy, but they do not fully understand what it means to die of lung cancer at the age of 42. Talk to your kids about the lifelong consequences of choices they make. Help them understand there are good and bad decisions, and that knowing one from the other can make all the difference in their lives. Let your youngster know that you are "the keeper of options" until she is old enough and responsible enough to assume this responsibility.

10. All kids resist limits from time to time, but they want them – and they need them. In a world that can seem too hectic for grown-ups and teenagers alike, limits provide security. Oftentimes, teenagers whose moms and dads do not set limits feel unloved. Setting limits is most effective when it begins early. It is harder but not impossible, however, to establish limits during the early teenage years.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents