When "Taking Away Privileges" Doesn't Work

“No matter what consequence I choose, there are always other privileges my son enjoys, or even loopholes. For example, I was specific in that he couldn't use the computer or cell phone during the 3 day discipline; but he still has other privileges during those 3 days--like video games. Also, I didn't specifically ground him, so he visited a friend in the neighborhood (where he probably used his friend's computer), and I specifically said he lost the use of his cell phone, so he used the house phone instead (although for shorter periods). I was uncomfortable with this, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to alter the consequence mid-stream. What do I do?”

When implementing a 3-day discipline, it is best that the child have no privileges + grounding. That is, no use of cell phone, no use of computer, no use of video games, no leaving the house – and in the case where he enjoys hibernating in his room – no access to his bedroom except to dress and sleep. Otherwise, it is not an “uncomfortable” consequence. 

 

We want the consequence to “feel uncomfortable” to the child. 

If, for example, you put on an itchy sweater made of sheep’s wool and break out with a rash, you tend to take it off because it is uncomfortable – and you may never wear it again! If the child finds a consequence to be “itchy,” he may decide not to exhibit the behavior that initiated the consequence he’s allergic to.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What To Do When Your Teen’s Grades Start To Decline

"My 16-year-old son’s grades were in rapid decline in the last school semester. Should I get more involved in his school activities this next semester? If so, what would be the best way to go about it?"

Your teenage son needs you in his life more than he may admit – although he may want you present under different terms and conditions than he did previously. Some moms and dads misread the signals that their teenagers send and back off too soon. For example, for teenagers at age 13, about 75% of moms and dads report high or moderate involvement in school related activities, but when teenagers reach age 16, the rate of parent involvement has dropped to 55%. The rate continues to drop throughout high school.

Research shows that teens do better in school when their moms and dads are involved in their lives, and that education works best when educators and both parents work closely with one another.

Here are 15 crucial parenting tips for staying involved in a teenager’s school life:

1. Attend school events. Go to sports events and concerts. Attend back-to-school night, PTA meetings, and awards events. Remember, though, that many young people are often self-conscious and want moms and dads to be present, but in the background. They want you there, but they want you at more of a distance. They want to look out of the corner of their eye and see you there. On the track, they want to peek up into the stands to make sure somebody is watching them. Also, look for school activities that you can do with your teen (e.g., cleaning up the school grounds).

2. Find out about the school's homework policy. Knowing school policies for homework is important because by high school, homework generally plays a bigger role in a teen's grades and test scores than it did in middle school. Find out from educators how often they will assign homework and about how long it may take to complete. Do not do homework for your teen. However, make sure that he tries his best to complete assignments.

3. Go over your teen's schedule together to see if he's got too much going on at once. Talk with him about setting priorities and dropping certain activities if necessary or rearranging the time of some of them.

4. Help him learn good study habits. Set a regular time for him to do homework. Talk about the assignments. Make sure he understands what he's supposed to do. Make sure he has a calendar on which to record assignments, as well as a backpack and homework folders in which to tuck assignments for safekeeping.

5. Help your teen get organized. Most teenagers are easily distracted. With so much to do and think about, it's not surprising. The amount of their school work and their extracurricular activities often increases at the same time that they are going through a growth spurt, developing new relationships, and trying to develop more autonomy. Young people respond to these changes in varying ways, but many of them daydream, forget things, lose things and seem unaware of time. It's not unusual for a high-schooler to complete a homework assignment, but then forget to turn it in. Some schools help kids develop organizational skills. Others leave the task to you.

6. Help your teen get started when he has to do research reports or other big assignments, perhaps by taking him to the library or helping him find sources of online information from appropriate Web sites.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

7. Help your teen to avoid last-minute cramming by working out a schedule of what he needs to do to prepare for the test.

8. Keep in touch with the school and your teen's educators. Keeping in touch can be tricky when a teen has many educators, but at the very least, it's good to know your teen's counselor and a favorite teacher. The more visible you are, the more educators will be able to communicate openly and regularly with you. Attend parent-teacher conferences. Read school bulletins when they are sent home.

9. Learn about your teen's school. The more you know, the easier your job as a mother or father will be. Ask for a school handbook. This will answer many questions that will arise over the year. If the school doesn't have a handbook, ask questions (e.g., What classes does the school offer? Which classes are required? What are your expectations for my child? How does the school measure student progress? What are the school's rules and regulations?).

10. Make sure your teen takes classes that are needed to attend college. It’s never too early to plan for a teen's future. A two- or four-year college degree is becoming more and more important for finding a good job. Companies want employees who have taken certain courses and acquired a solid base of skills and knowledge. Good courses for college-bound teens include English, science (e.g., biology, chemistry, earth science and physics), history or geography, as well as algebra and geometry. Many colleges also require students to study a foreign language for at least two years, and some prefer three or four years of one language. Basic computer skills are also essential, and many colleges view participation in the arts and music as valuable.

11. Monitor how well your teen is doing in school. Report cards are one indication of how well a teen is doing in school. But you also need to know how things are going between report cards. For instance, if your teenager is having trouble in math, find out when he has his next math test and when it will be returned to him. This allows you to address a problem before it grows into something bigger. Call or e-mail the teacher if your child doesn't understand an assignment or if he needs extra help to complete an assignment.

12. Provide an environment at home that encourages learning and school activities. Provide a quiet time without TV and other distractions when homework assignments can be completed. If you live in a small or noisy household, try having all family members take part in a quiet activity during homework time. You may need to take a noisy toddler outside or into another room to play. If distractions can't be avoided, you may want to let your teen complete assignments in the local library. Let your teen know that you value education. Show him that the skills he is learning are an important part of the things he will do as a grown-up. Let him see you reading books and newspapers, looking at computer screens, writing reports and letters, sending e-mails, using math to balance your checkbook, measuring for new carpeting – anything that requires thought and effort. Also, tell your teen about what you do at work.

13. Set ground rules for your teen at the beginning of the school year. From the first day of school, make certain that your teen knows what time he is expected to go to bed and get up, what he needs to do to get ready for school each morning, and what time he needs to leave the house for school. Check that he knows his curfew both on weekdays and on the weekend. Make sure, too, that your teen knows that he is expected to try hard and do his best in school.

14. Volunteer in your teen’s school. If your schedule permits, look for ways to help out at the school. Schools often send home lists of ways in which moms and dads can get involved (e.g., chaperones are needed for school trips or dances, school committees need members, the school newsletter may need an editor, the school may have councils or advisory committees that need parent representatives, etc.). If work or other commitments make it impossible for you to volunteer in the school, look for ways to help at home (e.g., make phone calls to other moms and dads to tell them about school-related activities, help translate a school newsletter from English into another language, etc.).

15. Lastly, work alongside your teen to clean out his backpack periodically so he can stay organized.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Helping Your Child Transition to Middle School

Will your son or daughter be starting middle school in the fall? If so, then be sure to read this:

During the past 20 years, many changes have taken place in how young teens are taught. These changes continue as we learn more about how these kids develop and learn. Today, fewer and fewer young teens attend junior highs. Instead, a growing number attend middle schools. Most of these schools are for grades 6–8 (although some may have grades 5–8, 5–7 or even 7–8). As the middle school movement has accelerated, many high schools have moved from serving grades 10–12 to grades 9–12.

As a mother or father, you may wonder, "Is one grade structure better than another for my youngster?” Most teachers believe (and research verifies) that the way a school organizes the grades is not as important as what goes on inside the school (i.e., what gets taught and how it gets taught). Additionally, the grade span of a school doesn't tell you much about the quality of the school and whether or not its educational practices are well suited for younger teenagers.

Most young adolescents entering a new school find that it's a big change. They're used to being the oldest, but now – once again – they're the youngest. Most peers are new, as are the routines and the homework. Coming at a time when young adolescents are undergoing many other stressful changes, the move to a new school can be overwhelming and have a negative impact on motivation and self-worth.

Because of this, many middle schools have programs to ease the transition. For instance, they may invite elementary school kids to visit the middle school to become familiar with the building, lockers and classrooms. Also, administrators of the middle and elementary schools might meet to discuss programs. School counselors might meet to talk about how to help children make a smooth transition. These and other practices can help make the new school seem friendlier.

Hormones may be fluctuating, but young adolescents of all backgrounds - and with a broad range of personal characteristics - still absorb vast amounts of information. They also can benefit from a strong curriculum. As young teens develop their cognitive skills, they are able to complete longer and more involved projects and to explore subjects in more depth.

Young adolescents generally benefit from being exposed to a broad range of experiences and programs (e.g., academic, recreational and vocational). These opportunities take advantage of their natural curiosity and can be invaluable in familiarizing them with new worlds and possibilities. These exploratory programs can also be entertaining. For these reasons, some schools provide opportunities - both in and out of school - for children to participate in sports, as well as learn subjects like foreign languages, music, drama and technology. Many schools also encourage children to participate in volunteer or community service projects. Exploratory programs can help young adolescents figure out where they fit in, and allow them to think about their future plans.

There's still plenty of room for improvement in middle schools. Test scores suggest that many young adolescents lack the skills needed for high school success. On international comparisons, they aren't scoring as well as they should in areas like reading and math.

More teachers and policymakers are becoming aware of the high levels to which young adolescents can achieve. This awareness is leading to still more change in middle-school (e.g., what gets taught, how it is taught, how educators are prepared, how to assess what children know, etc.).

25 tips for helping your child make a smoother transition to middle school:

1. Accompany your youngster on campus tours and orientations offered to moms and dads and incoming children. The better you understand the school layout and rules, the more you can help your son or daughter.

2. Avoid overreacting to grades. Making sure your youngster gets a handle on how to meet the demands of the new school is the critical factor in the early weeks.

3. Buy your youngster a lock for her locker several weeks before school starts to give her plenty of time to practice opening and closing it. 

4. Ease any loneliness in the early weeks of school by helping your son or daughter arrange weekend social activities with neighborhood, church, or grade school peers.

5. Encourage educators to continue using strategies that have worked for your youngster in the past, such as writing homework assignments on the board, or assigning a "homework buddy" she can contact if she forgets what her assignments are. If the school has a homework hotline, make sure your youngster knows how to use it.

6. Encourage your youngster to join group conversations. Discuss how to join in without interrupting, to add something relevant to conversation in progress, etc.

7. Encourage your son or daughter to join sports teams, clubs, or other extracurricular activities.

8. Explore the school's Web site with your youngster. Search for announcements, schedules, and events.

9. Find out the length of the passing period between classes. Time it out for your son or daughter. Demonstrate how far he or she can walk in that amount of time.

10. Get a copy of the student handbook. Review rules and requirements — especially the school's code of conduct, which describes consequences for violations of the most important rules. Ask the school staff questions about anything that's unclear.

11. Get a copy of your youngster's class schedule and mark the location of his locker and each classroom and bathroom on the school map. Tape both of these inside his binder. If your young teen has trouble reading maps, walk the route between classes with him — more than once, if necessary — and note landmarks that he can use to navigate.

12. Get a map of the campus and take your youngster to explore. Pick a time after school in the spring or in the days just before school starts in the fall. Be sure to check in with the school office to get an OK for your explorations.

13. Go to back-to-school night, open houses, parent-teacher conferences and other events where you can connect with your youngster's educators.

14. Help your youngster be her own advocate. Encourage her to discuss problems and solutions with educators on her own, but be ready to step in and help as needed.

15. Help your young teen with time management skills. Work together on a schedule for study time, break time, chores, etc.

16. If your son or daughter has an Individualized Education Program (IEP), meet with the middle school IEP team no later than the spring before your youngster enters the new school. Discuss the qualities of the "ideal" teacher for your youngster to help ensure the best placements.

17. Include a couple of your youngster's friends on campus treks. They can boost each other's memory about where things are when school starts.

18. Make sure your youngster has an easy-to-read wristwatch so he can quickly see if he needs to hurry to be on time to class. If he has a cell phone, make sure the time is set correctly and he is in the habit of checking it.

19. Meet with educators early in the school year. Give them a profile of your youngster's strengths and where she needs help.

20. Practice skills needed for difficult social situations.

21. Remind your son or daughter to make eye contact when speaking or listening.

22. Stay connected to your youngster's school work. Try to teach him to work more independently while supporting him enough to give him confidence.

23. Take advantage of summer programs — academic or recreational — offered at the new school for incoming children. Your son or daughter will get the feel for the campus in a much more relaxed atmosphere.

24. Talk about social skills. Discuss how words and actions can affect other people. Also, talk about traits that make a good friend (e.g., being a good listener).

25. Work out an organizational system with your young teen. Acknowledge and make allowances for her anxiety. At first, she may need to carry everything for all classes all the time in order to feel prepared.