When Your Teenager is a Compulsive Liar: Advice for Parents

“I'm at my wits end with my 16-year old daughter. She lies constantly and not just about big things--- small things too. If I keep asking questions when things don't add up and only when she knows she's busted, she'll finally admit to it. She's very convincing when she's lying because she says it so matter-of-factly and initially when caught, she'll begin an Oscar-winning performance declaring her innocence. :eyeroll: I've tried so many things like taking away TV, phone and computer, adding extra chores, having her write sentences of repetition or writing me reports on honesty – but NOTHING is working! I've explained the repercussions to her that when someone lies all the time, they are not considered trustworthy and people will begin to doubt everything that person says. I told her that her friends may even start to doubt what she says at times. (sigh) I'm totally out of ideas! I would really appreciate any suggestions.”

If you are raising an adolescent, and you have noticed that she has been lying profusely about her recent activities and whereabouts, then this article is for you. Compulsive lying in your adolescent can be dealt with effectively if you establish a strong honest relationship with her. It can be very difficult to get your adolescent to discuss her problems with you freely; however, the tips discussed in this post will help you establish an honest open relationship with your adolescent, which will hopefully encourage her to stop lying all together. But first, let’s look at the warning signs of compulsive lying…

There are warning signs that can help moms and dads determine whether or not their adolescent is a compulsive liar:

• Is there a consistency in what your adolescent says about the same topic? It’s difficult for a true compulsive liar to keep her details straight, because she has already put in so many lies into what she has already narrated to other people.
• See if your adolescent appears nervous or uncomfortable, especially when you know that she is lying. If she feels or looks more at ease when lying compared to telling the truth, then she is likely to be a compulsive liar (where she considers lying as a natural gesture).
• See if your adolescent recognizes her behavior or if she even realizes what she is doing every time she lies. Because lying is already a built-in practice for a compulsive liar, the teen naturally denies that she has done wrong.
• Observe how often your adolescent lies. Compulsive liars habitually lie on an ongoing and regular basis. They often lie about anything – big or small.
• Compulsive liars lie out of habit, not because it benefits them or they can get out of an awkward situation. Rather, they often lie in order to get attention, which makes them appear much better in everything (an obvious sign of low self-esteem).
• Compulsive liars look for the thrill of misleading others; they love the reaction they get from peers and adults (especially parents) and want to see how far they can get with their lies. They also have the need to seek admiration from others, to increase their self-esteem, to control situations or desires, and to hide their own failures.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Occasional lying is common among teens, and deserves an immediate consequence. But if you have a compulsive liar on your hands, you will need to take a different approach. When a teenager starts lying compulsively, the parent’s first inclination is to issue some form of discipline, or at the very least, make an attempt to “reason with” the teenager. But what the parent doesn’t realize is that it took years for the teen to get to this point – and – the teen has probably been lying for a long time. She’s only been revealed as a compulsive liar recently.

If it took years for the lying to get this elaborate and sophisticated, it’s going to take at least a few months to get the lying-behavior mitigated. There is NO quick fix for compulsive lying in teens. What’s needed instead is what I call a “bonding do-over.” In other words, you have to go back and rebuild the relationship-bridge between parent and child. In fact, you have to develop such a close relationship with your child that lying becomes more painful than telling the truth – not because there is a negative consequence waiting for the teen – but because her guilt-button gets pushed whenever she lies (i.e., she feels so uncomfortable after telling a lie that it literally causes her to experience a significant degree of emotional pain – the same feeling you get when you accidently run over a squirrel in the road).

Having said the above, rather than discussing “how to punish” your teen for lying, we need to talk about “how to bond” with her. You will be able to fix the lying issue, but only by going in the back door. 

Here are some important steps to take in order to accomplish this:

1. After your adolescent finishes a task, or at least shows that she really tried, make sure you recognize her effort. This recognition provides the motivation for her to continue doing the right thing. However, make the recognition fit the teen (e.g., don't try to push hugs on an adolescent who doesn’t like physical affection from the parent; instead, give her a high five).

2. Avoid getting angry when your adolescent admits that she did something wrong. Obviously, if you get upset when she speaks freely with you, she will avoid talking to you in the future. She needs to feel comfortable talking to you – about ANYTHING! In order to help her feel comfortable with you, relate to her in some way (e.g., think back on the days when you used to be an adolescent, and share some of the stories of your rebellious antics).

3. Avoid judgment or criticism. An atmosphere of shame or blame is certain to jeopardize your attempts to bond. Don't offer your opinion or advice unless she asks. If she wants your advice, she'll ask for it. Avoid the lectures and attempts to use logic.

4. Be empathic. By showing empathy for the tribulations of adolescent life, you can help your teenager feel understood, which will strengthen your bond. Remember what it was like for you as an adolescent. Don't belittle her struggles when she confides in you. Instead, respond with compassion by using reflective listening skills (e.g., "I can understand how that would really upset you …I'm sorry that happened").

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

5. Find common ground. Perhaps you share a secret interest or hobby with your teenager and you don't even know it. Ask her what activities she enjoys. Talk about your own passions. Show interest in her extracurricular activities (e.g., if she plays on a school sports team, attend her games).

6. Find time to check in and chat with your teenager each day, even if it's just about topics like her day at school or trivial occurrences in the news. Chat while doing the chores or preparing dinner. Inquire about her opinions or ask for input (e.g., "What should we make for dinner tonight?"). Look for everyday opportunities to connect with your teenager.

7. Household chores are a great way to get younger children involved with daily family life, but when parenting adolescents, you need to understand that they require a higher level of involvement and responsibility. They need the chance to help with family decision-making. It can be as simple as asking your adolescent, “Where do you think we should go on our next family vacation?” If you want her to help you make a decision about a new purchase, give her the criteria she needs to make an informed opinion (e.g., if she's going to research a new cell phone for you, tell her what features you’re looking for, and ask her to show you how to use the phone). Is she's pushing for the chance to buy her own clothes? Teach her how to budget for what she needs to buy. Give your adolescent the scaffolding so that she will have the skills for that particular decision-making involvement.

8. Let your teenager know that you love her for who she is, not what she does or how she looks. Adolescent girls are particularly vulnerable to low self-esteem due to peer pressure, the media and comparisons with celebrities. By letting her know that you see who she really is underneath appearances and achievements, you simultaneously support your bond and increase her self-esteem.

9. Participate in fun, enjoyable activities together. Ask her what activities she might like to share with you. Suggest seeing a movie, taking a drive or going shopping after school. Let her know your relationship doesn't always have to be serious. Show her your lighthearted side.

10. Resolve conflicts soon after they occur. Allowing hurt to fester for too long can turn into a more serious wound and might lead to grudges. Let some time pass so you can both cool down, then open up a constructive dialogue. Apologize if you were wrong. Acknowledging your wrongdoings and apologizing immediately when you hurt your teenager's feelings can restore your bond and help her see that you're only human.

While it may not be easy for your adolescent to accept that there is indeed a problem, it will help if you support her as she goes through the tough changes associated with adolescence. Put yourself in her shoes. See the world from her viewpoint. 

Even though you will be addressing the lying issue indirectly (rather than using punishment), by implementing the strategies listed above, you should be able to resolve the problem over time. It’s going to take at least a few months before the parent-child bond is restored, but once this objective is accomplished, your child will lose the desire to lie. Lying will no longer have the payoff that it once had.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Frustration, Aggression and Violence: Tips for Teens

About 16% of high school kids carried a weapon at least once during the 30 days before they were surveyed. Also, about 7% reported that they have been threatened or injured with a weapon. Many different factors cause aggressive behavior. The more these factors are present in your life, the more likely you are to commit an act of aggression.

What causes someone to punch, kick, stab or fire a gun at other people? There is never a simple answer to that question. But teens often commit aggression because of one or more of the following:

• Aggression is a learned behavior. Like all learned behaviors, it can be changed. This isn't easy, though. Since there is no single cause of aggression, there is no one simple solution. The best you can do is learn to recognize the “red flags” (i.e., warning signs) of aggression and to get help when you see them in your peers or yourself.
• Some teens use aggression to release emotions of rage or frustration. They think there are no answers to their problems and turn to aggression to express their out of control emotions.
• Aggression is used as a way to control others or get something they want.
• Aggression is used to retaliate against those who have hurt them or someone they care about.

Teens who act aggressively have trouble controlling their emotions. They may have been hurt by others. Some think that making others fear them through aggression (or threats of aggression) will solve their problems or earn them respect. This isn't true. Some aggression occurs as a response to prolonged hurt, trauma, bullying or victimization. Teens may use aggression to get something, while others may act out of self-protection or desperation. In any event, remember that teens who behave aggressively lose respect. They eventually find themselves isolated or disliked, and they still feel angry and frustrated.

Rage itself is not always a sign that aggression or an act of violence is imminent. What is most important to look at is if there are “new” signs and significant changes in behavior. The presence of some of the signs listed below should alert you to the possibility that a particular teenager may be at risk of aggression or violence. Some signs of potential for aggression may be historical factors like:

• Being callous or lacking empathy for others
• Early childhood abuse or neglect
• Family or parent condones use of aggression
• Having a major mental illness
• Having been a victim of bullying
• Having witnessed aggression at home
• History of aggressive or aggressive behavior
• History of cruelty to animals
• History of discipline problems or frequent conflicts with authority
• History of vandalism or property damage
• Young age at first aggressive incident

Other signs of potential aggression may be present over time and may contribute to the risk of aggression given a certain event or activity. These might include:

• Access to or fascination with weapons, especially guns
• Feeling constantly disrespected
• Gang membership or strong desire to be in a gang
• Regularly feeling rejected or alone
• Serious drug or alcohol use
• Trouble controlling emotions like rage
• Withdrawal from friends and usual activities

Some signs of potential aggression may be new or active signs, for example:

• Acute episode of major mental illness
• Announcing threats or plans for hurting others
• Declining school performance
• Frequent physical fighting
• Increased loss of temper
• Increased risk-taking behavior
• Increased use of alcohol or drugs
• Obtaining or carrying a weapon
• Planning how to commit acts of aggression

When you recognize signs of aggression in someone else, there are things you can do:

• Don’t resort to aggression or use a weapon to protect yourself.
• Don't spend time alone with teens who show signs of aggression.
• If you are worried about being a victim of aggression, get someone in authority to protect you.
• Tell someone you trust and respect about your concerns and ask for help (e.g., family member, guidance counselor, teacher, school psychologist, coach, clergy, school resource officer, peer, etc.).
• The key to really preventing aggressive behavior is asking an experienced professional for help.
• The most important thing to remember is to not go it alone and to take any signs or threats seriously.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

It's normal to feel upset when you've been let down or betrayed. But rage and frustration don't justify aggressive action. Rage is a strong emotion that can be difficult to keep in check, but the right response is to always stay cool. Here are some ways to deal with rage without resorting to aggression:

• Express criticism, disappointment, rage or displeasure without losing your temper or fighting. Ask yourself if your response is safe and reasonable.
• If you're afraid to talk or if you can't find the right words to describe what you're going through, find a trusted friend or grown-up to help you one-on-one.
• Listen to others and respond without getting upset when someone gives you negative feedback. Ask yourself if you can really see the other person's point of view.
• Negotiate and work out your problems with someone else by looking at alternative solutions and compromises.
• Take a time-out and calm yourself before you respond to the situation or person who is triggering your rage.

Rage and frustration is part of life, but you can free yourself from the cycle of aggression by learning to talk about your emotions. If you recognize any of these signs for aggressive behavior in yourself, talk with someone who can help (e.g., a friend or a grown-up you trust). You don't have to live with the guilt, sadness and frustration that comes from hurting others. Admitting you have a concern about hurting others is the first step. Talking to a trusted grown-up (e.g., school counselor or psychologist, teacher, family member, friend, clergy, etc.) is the second step. They can get you in touch with a professional who cares and can help.

Everyone feels rage in his or her own way. Start managing it by recognizing how rage feels to you. When you are very upset about something, you probably feel:

• A "knot" or "butterflies" in your stomach
• Accelerated heartbeat
• Changes in your breathing
• Flushed in the face
• Goose bumps
• Muscle tension
• Trembling

You can reduce the rush of adrenaline that's responsible for your heart beating faster, your voice sounding louder and your fists clenching if you:

• Imagine yourself at the beach, by a lake, or anywhere that makes you feel calm and peaceful.
• Take a few slow, deep breaths and concentrate on your breathing.
• Try other thoughts or actions that have helped you relax in the past.

Keep telling yourself:

• "I'm not going to let him get to me."
• "I don't need to prove myself."
• "Calm down."

More tips to staying calm:

• Consider the consequences.
• Don't argue in front of other teens.
• Learn to recognize what sets you off and how rage feels to you.
• Learn to think through the benefits of controlling your rage and the consequences of losing control. 
• Make your goal to defeat the problem, not the other person.
• Only you have the power to control your own aggressive behavior – don't let rage control you.
• Stay cool and think. 
• Think before you act.
• Try to find positive or neutral explanations for what that person did that provoked you.

Some teens who have trouble dealing with their emotions don't react by lashing out at others. Instead, they direct aggression toward themselves. The most devastating expression of this kind of aggression is suicide. Like teens who are aggressive toward others, potential suicide victims often behave in recognizable ways before they try to end their lives. Suicide, like other forms of aggression, is preventable. The two most important steps in prevention are recognizing red flags and getting help. Red flags of potential self-aggression may include:

• Drop in quality of school performance or interest
• Emotions of hopelessness, guilt or worthlessness
• Feeling like a burden to others
• Getting into trouble with authority figures
• Giving away important possessions
• Hinting at not being around in the future or saying good-bye
• Impulsive, aggressive behavior
• Lack of interest in usual activity
• Major change in eating or sleeping habits
• News reports of other suicides by teens in the same school or community
• Perfectionism
• Poor control over behavior
• Previous suicide attempts
• Recent break-up with a boyfriend or girlfriend or conflict with moms and dads
• Recent death or suicide of a friend or family member
• Significant alcohol or drug use
• Sudden increase in moodiness, withdrawal or isolation
• Threatening or communicating thoughts of suicide, death, dying or the afterlife

Oftentimes, suicidal thinking comes from a wish to end emotional pain. But keep in mind that pain often diminishes and emotions change. There are almost always options to something as final as suicide. Sometimes we just need some help to see them. If a peer mentions suicide, take it seriously. Listen carefully and then seek help immediately. Never keep their talk of suicide a secret, even if they ask you to. Remember, you risk losing that friend forever. When you recognize the red flags for suicidal behavior, do something about it. Tell a trusted grown-up what you have seen or heard. Get help from a professional as soon as possible. They can help work out the problems that seem so unsolvable but, in fact, are not.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The Challenges of Step-Parenting

Aside from juggling households and visitation, the one thing that seems to cause a stepson or stepdaughter the most difficulty is the stepparent’s attempts to “act as” a biological parent. However, since step relationships (especially new ones) are usually complicated and fraught with conflict, it can be almost impossible for a stepparent to refrain from disciplining the stepson or stepdaughter.

After all, most stepkids test the stepparent’s limits to the max, trying to see how far they can push until the stepparent breaks. The question is how to deal with it?

Here are some crucial tips for stepparents:

1. Your stepkids are dealing with their own feelings of loss, anger, confusion, and resentment about the divorce or remarriage. It may be easy to see their misbehavior as a direct attack on you, but remember that they need space and time to process the changes that have happened in their life. Even biological kids are known to lash out at their moms and dads with an "I hate you!" every now and then.

2. At first, the direct assigning of limits and consequences should probably be left up to the biological mother or father. So, avoid taking a direct role. Experts say it takes at least 2 years for children to begin to accept discipline from a stepparent. Two years is also about the time it takes to grow a strong, trusting  relationship.

3. Biological moms and dads must explain to their kids that the stepparent can also “remind” them of rules, whether or not he or she “enforces” the rules.

4. Bite your tongue. At times, this is going to be very difficult. Keep biting. Drag your spouse into the bedroom to whisper disciplinary suggestions—that's o.k. You have the right to voice your opinions, but let your spouse be the final decision-maker and the enforcer.

5. Remember that discipline is the entire process of raising a youngster. You can - and should - model good behavior, treat the stepchildren with respect, and encourage and reward them for things they are doing well. Leave the biological mother or father in charge of dealing with any major problems until you've gained their trust. Then you'll be able to assert yourself in a way they won't resent.


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


6. Stepparents should focus on encouraging desired behaviors, attitudes, and interactions rather than focusing on bad ones. Biological moms and dads generally have had all that time from infancy through the present to generate attachment and all those positive, loving feelings between themselves and their youngster. Stepparents are usually getting involved once the youngster is old enough to misbehave, but in most cases missed the opportunity to fall in love with the child.

7. Find time to spend one-to-one time with your stepson or stepdaughter to do shoulder-to-shoulder, low-key activities (e.g., a run around the lake, shooting hoops, watching a favorite show, shopping, etc.). Most stepchildren (especially teens), don’t want to be forced into a sit-down, face-to-face, "let's talk" conversation. Instead, you want to build the relationship through shared experiences that will naturally give you opportunities to learn about each other. Try to choose an activity that neither biological parent does with the youngster to limit any sense of competition. For example, if the stepson loves football, but his biological father likes basketball, and his mother isn't interested in sports at all – then this could be a great way for a new stepparent to connect with the child.

8. You are a legitimate participant in the family process. Although it may be best for you to play a backseat role in regard to discipline, this doesn't mean that you have to be a non-participant. The biological mother or father has the final say, but the stepparent still can have input. If your spouse is not supportive of your needs or is practicing permissive parenting, you can still decide what you will and won't do. When the stepchildren are being disrespectful to you, it's okay to let them know that you're happy to take them for driving practice, make them a tasty dessert, or make their favorite meal for dinner WHEN they can treat you respectfully. Being a stepparent does not mean being a doormat.

9. Take the time to talk with your partner about what's working and what's not. You and your partner are from two different family cultures, and you have very different positions in your family. Your job is not to agree with each other right away. It is to stay caring and open to each other despite your differences. Staying connected takes a lot of time and talking. Check in often, and comfort each other when things are difficult.

10. Expect your stepchildren to “act out.” They will test the waters and push the boundaries when there is someone new in the family. Kids are feeling their way through how much control they have, and they will try to play the mom and dad off each other. Don't take this as a sign that your stepkids will hate you forever or that you'll never be happy together as a family. Instead, keep having honest communication with your partner about parenting issues, and continue to find ways to have positive interactions with your stepkids to build a bond.


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


11. Once you've lived together for quite a while and are comfortable, then you can begin to make independent decisions about discipline without deferring to your spouse. It's appropriate to make spontaneous disciplinary choices when the biological parent is not available, or when there are no established consequences for the misbehavior; however, any decisions you make should be based on family values, rules, and limits.

12. Don't come into the stepfamily with a list of ways to "fix" things. If you do, your stepchildren may see you as trying to erase all evidence of their life before you entered it. Instead, give your partner and stepchildren time to settle in and get used to the new living arrangement. Then try to tackle one change at a time while remembering that all members will need to compromise. Research shows that it can take four to seven years for a stepfamily to function like a “normal” family, so give everyone time to adjust.

13. Never argue with your partner about the youngster’s behavior in front of him or her.  Always discuss it behind closed doors. 

14. You can't force your stepkids to like or love you, but you can require a standard level of respect. The biological mother or father should convey to the kids that “when you disrespect my spouse, you disrespect me.” The biological mother or father should clearly explain the difference between love and respect, and the expectation for how the youngster needs to treat the new stepparent (e.g., “You don't have to love your stepfather, but you need to be decent to him”).

15. As time goes by, and you begin to move into more of an authority role, you can begin to issue consequences when your stepchild violates established rules and regulations. You can also make use of reminders (e.g., "In this house, we all clean up on Saturdays," or "Michael, you know your mom insists you eat some vegetables before you eat dessert").

   

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents