How to Stop Over-Reacting to "Bad" Teen Behavior

Parenting out-of-control teenagers is a tough job for sure!! And it’s totally understandable when parents fly off the handle because their teens continually exhibit blatant disrespect and hatefulness. But sometimes, we as parents get stuck in a cycle of over-reacting to our teen’s “bad” behavior, which weakens our immune system and tends to make a bad problem worse.

One of the best parenting strategies we can employ is to “avoid throwing gas on the fire” by over-reacting in the heat of the moment. This one strategy alone will reduce your parental stress by at least 50%.

Do you often:

• Assume the worst about your teenager’s behavior due to his bad “track record”?
• Feel alarmed by your uncontrollable reactions to her rude comments and putdowns?
• Have to apologize for your abrupt actions or words?
• Lash out when your teen is ill-mannered?
• Regret things you say in the heat of emotion?
• Withdraw when parent-child arguments get emotionally overwhelming?

If you answered “yes” to the questions above, you may be struggling with severe parental stress. Here are a few tips to help you (a) stay calm, and (b) “respond” to bad teen behavior rather than “react”:

1. A quiet heart can lead parents to the best solutions to any parent-child conflict. When you are facing the problem of how to deal with your teen’s rudeness or criticism, you’ll handle the situation better by moving into your heart. Don’t impulsively shoot from the mouth. Pick your favorite method for “centering” (e.g., leaving the room for a short time-out) before you respond to what your teen has said or done.

2. Identify patterns in your over-reactions. If you find yourself continually revisiting a powerful emotional or behavior reaction, there is probably a historical component that needs to be addressed. 

3. If your teen has legitimate concerns, but has voiced them in a rather hateful manner or at the wrong time, respond briefly and sincerely, offering to resolve the issue with him later (e.g., “I see you are upset. I’d like to talk with you about that after dinner.”).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Instead of allowing your precious time and energy to be sapped by your teen’s disrespectful behavior, free yourself by forgiving, letting go, and moving on. Don’t hold on to bitterness or blame. Treat her with respect, model the appropriate behavior yourself, and you might just spur a change of heart in her.

5. Pay attention to how your body feels. A pounding heart, a headache, or tense muscles can all be signs that you’re in danger of being hijacked by intense feelings. Becoming more aware of physical cues helps you to stay ahead of your responses. Noticing how your body feels under stress activates both sides of your brain, allowing you to reflect on the parent-child issue instead of just reacting to it.

6. Pull away from heated arguments and look at it without ego (as if you were observing someone else’s life). Is it possible you are being overly-sensitive, or has your teenager treated you like a doormat without good reason?  A clear sense of which it is will help you find the best solution to the current parent-child conflict.

7. Some teens criticize as a way of “projecting” their own issues on to parents or taking the focus off their own shortcomings. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about this. Continually dwelling on your teen’s childish behavior or holding a grudge will only keep you stuck in resentment.

8. Sometimes what your offensive teen directs at you is not about you at all. Teenagers who are complaining all the time may simply be struggling with an internal battle that is spilling over into their parent’s life. When teens nag or grumble, they may actually be trying to tell their parents that they are hurting inside. So, the next time your teen offends you, consider the possibility that the insult is not about you.

9. Take care of yourself. Lack of sleep, going too long without food, and lack of recreational activities can leave your mind and body vulnerable to exaggerated responses.  For many parents, it’s easy to let their own basic self-care take a back seat to the noble cause of taking care of their children. Ironically, it is your children who are most likely to end up on the receiving end of your exaggerated responses. Prioritizing your own self-care will help minimize this.

10. The children in our lives are often our mirrors. They reflect back the impact of our words and actions. A smart-alecky teen’s words – though spiteful – can awaken us to an aspect of our own behavior we may have refused to own-up to. Although blame can be hard to take, you may benefit from it by looking for the nugget of truth embedded in the painful circumstance.

11. Watch for all-or-nothing words like “always” and “never” as clues that you’re heading toward a meltdown (“You NEVER do what I ask you to do” …or “I’m so tired of ALWAYS having to tell you to ____”).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

12. When you feel like flying off the handle, take a deep breath. Deep breathing slows down your fight-or-flight response and allows you to choose a more thoughtful and productive response.

13. When your mouthy teen comes flying at you, rather than playing the role of victim and seeing yourself as the target, stay on target. Don’t let his insults distract you from your goals as a parent. Consider it background noise, and don’t let it distract you.

14. When your teen is demanding, you may stuff your emotions below the surface to avoid a confrontation. But your emotions warn you when something is wrong. By ignoring your feelings, you create a larger problem to deal with later. By accepting the messages they bring, you’ll be able to deal more effectively with parent-child conflict from the start.

15. You get to choose what you will tolerate as a parent. If your teen is chipping away at your self-esteem by constantly belittling you, you owe it to yourself to create boundaries and to tell her how you feel when that happens. Decide on a specific action you will take if your teenager continues to bombard you with insults and putdowns.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Defusing Heated Arguments with Defiant Teenagers

At some point, you as a parent have probably been involved in a knock-down, drag-out argument with your defiant teenager. Each of you is convinced the other is wrong. Neither of you will back down.

You've tried everything to get through to your son or daughter (e.g., ironclad logic, negotiating, yelling louder and longer), but neither side will budge. So, what can parents do when they find themselves in frequent verbal fights with their out-of-control teenagers?

Here are 15 parenting tips to help resolve heated arguments with defiant teens:

1. Ask your teen if she would be willing to summarize your position. If she can't, or she hasn't heard it yet, ask if she would be willing to listen to what you have to say now.

2. Don't try to force your teen into admitting they he is wrong. That's the kind of tactic that keeps the argument burning. Genuine agreement will come, when and if it comes. It can't be forced.

3. Enlist the help of a mediator (e.g., a family therapist, a wise grandparent). Consider bringing in a neutral third party to help resolve angry feelings and to help everyone feel heard.

4. Even if you are right, keep your cool. Never debate on what you think is right and your teen thinks is wrong. Recognize there is a gap between your reality and her perception of things.

5. Find out what your teen wants you to hear. You don't have to agree with it. A lot or arguments go on painfully and without progress because each side is trying to be heard – but neither side is listening. By listening, you break that deadlock.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Identify points where you and your teen already agree. After listening and confirming understanding, some arguments dissolve right then, because there was no actual disagreement.

7. If parts of what your teen has said have moved you to change your mind, now is a good time to say so. If he has enlightened you or corrected an error of yours, thank him!

8. If at any time during an argument you feel as if your safety is being threatened in any way, or that there is no way a resolution will be found, simply remove yourself from the situation. It is better to stay safe than to win an argument or try to calm a violent, irrational teenager down.

9. If you feel as though you are not getting anywhere, saying something such as, "I really feel we should both calm down and approach this when we have had time to think" …or, "I care about this issue, but I don't want to speak out of anger, so I think it is best that I go to the other room" is a good way to leave things for now.

10. Teen’s higher reasoning abilities shut down when they're angry. If either you or your teen is hot with anger, take an hour of quiet to cool-off.

11. Phrase your requests in a way that avoids blaming or shaming your teen for misunderstanding you. You can do this by wording it so you are the one responsible for communicating your point, rather than making your teen responsible for understanding you (e.g., "I'd like to make sure that I've gotten my point across" …rather than, "I'd like to make sure you haven't misunderstood").

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

12. Be sure to put the point where you disagree into words. Many disputes go on unproductively because neither side even knows what the squabble is about! When you put the disagreement into words, either you will both agree very quickly on what the disagreement is, or you won't. If the latter, you open up an opportunity to hear something important that you haven't heard yet.

13. State your needs and boundaries clearly. Avoid insulting your teen or telling her how unreasonable she is being. Instead, stick to statements where you are clearly defining your comfort level and boundaries (e.g., "I understand you are angry, but I need you to speak to me respectfully" …or, "I know we have a disagreement here, but it is difficult for me to talk to someone who is screaming").

14. Summarize your understanding of your teen's position by stating it in your own words, and ask if your understanding is accurate (e.g., "Let's see if I understand you correctly. Are you saying ...?"). By moving from establishing which side is right to accurately understanding the other side, you neutralize the struggle to "force a verdict" and create an opportunity to correct misunderstanding. If you do understand correctly, your teen now sees this.

15. Validate your teen’s concerns and empathize with how he feels. Teens often become aggravated when they feel they are not being heard. Statements like, "I understand you are feeling annoyed" …or, "I know we both want to resolve this problem" …can go a long way to help avoid heated arguments.

On a final note, if all else fails, ask yourself these questions: “What’s more important – winning this argument, or keeping the peace?” “What are we really arguing about?” “Will it even matter tomorrow?” This is called "self-checking." As parents who may be on the verge of over-reacting, sometimes we have to get inside ourselves to keep a level head.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parental Frustration in Raising Defiant Teens

"I get so frustrated with my rebellious 13-year-old son - and often lose my temper! You can’t leave him alone for a minute without problems of some sort (won’t go into all that here though). Am I a bad mother? How can I avoid over-reacting like this? I know I'm throwing gas on the fire!!"

Most moms lose their temper with their teens from time to time. It's OK to feel angry …just don’t take it out on your son. If you feel angry with your son almost every day or have trouble controlling your temper, get some help. There's no shame in that! Start by talking to your family doctor. Also, there are groups that can help moms, too. You can join our support group here:

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When you get frustrated and upset, give yourself a break (rather than getting angry, and then feeling guilty for getting angry). Everyone needs a break from being a parent once in a while. If you have another adult in your family, take turns getting away. 

For example, have your partner stay with your son so you can visit friends. Take turns sleeping late on the weekends. If you're a single parent, ask friends and relatives to help by running some errands for you. Maybe they could stay with your son while you go out.

Know that frustration is normal. All moms get frustrated. Teens take a lot of time and energy. Parenting is even harder when you have problems in your life (e.g., worries about your job, your bills, your relationships, problems with alcohol or drugs, etc.). To be a good mother, you have to take care of yourself!!! That means getting help for YOUR issues first ...then you can work on your son.

No mom or dad is perfect. They all make mistakes. Even very passive parents sometimes say and do things they don't mean to do (e.g., yell at their child or call him/her a "bad" name). But if you think you're having trouble controlling yourself, get help so a pattern of emotional abuse doesn't start.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents