Helping Adolescents Make Better Choices: 20 Tips for Parents

Throughout adolescence, your teenager will be confronted with many difficult circumstances where choosing to make a safe and healthy choice may not be the easiest or most obvious thing to do. Peer-pressure may factor heavily into the choice-making process regarding numerous serious issues (e.g., drinking alcohol at parties, trying drugs, having sex, joining gangs, etc.).

It’s normal for adolescents to challenge their moms and dads' values and beliefs as a way to “test the system” and seek autonomy. Adolescents need support and “guidance” from their moms and dads to make important choices about their future. However, the more “controlling” you are, the more rebellious your adolescent is likely to become.

As a mother or father, being present to protect your adolescent from circumstances that could potentially hurt him will always be an intense urge that often can’t be realistically fulfilled. As your teenager grows older, parenting becomes less about control and more about offering guidance. You can help support your adolescent in making responsible choices by providing a solid foundation built upon sharing your time, experience, values and trust.

How to help your teenage son or daughter make better choices:

1. Adolescents sometimes believe they don't have any choice in the outcome of difficult circumstances. Help your adolescent to see alternatives that may be smarter, more responsible options.

2. Allow your adolescent to describe the problem or situation in his own words.

3. Allow your adolescent to live and learn from mistakes.

4. Allow your adolescent to make a choice and carry it out, and ask if he has a plan. Remember, your adolescent may make different choices than you would prefer. Then later, ask him how things worked out. What did he learn from the choice he made?

5. Allow your teen to voice her personal opinions.

6. Ask questions that avoid "yes" or "no" responses. These questions usually begin with "how," "why," or "what."

7. Ask your teen how she “feels” about the problem.

8. Be open and understanding whenever your adolescent needs to talk.

9. Be supportive, especially when your teen makes mistakes.

10. Define what constitutes a safe or smart choice. Help your adolescent understand that her health is often the most important factor involved in choice-making.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. Give your teen unconditional love – and show it.

12. Help your adolescent to identify and compare the possible consequences of all of the available choices. Explain (without lecturing) the consequences of different choices. How will the results affect your adolescent's goals (e.g., how would smoking affect playing on the soccer team?).

13. Help your teen set realistic goals, and show faith in his ability to reach those goals.

14. Involve your teen in choices that affect the entire family.

15. Praise your adolescent when she makes a good choice.

16. Really listen to what your adolescent is saying instead of thinking about your responses.

17. Remember that adolescents with high self-esteem and self-respect are more likely to make responsible choices.

18. Talk with your adolescent about ways to handle risky circumstances (e.g., peer pressure to drink, smoke, have sex, or get in a fight, etc.) to prepare her to make safer choices. To feel comfortable talking openly with you, your adolescent needs to know that you will not punish her for being honest.

19. Try to put yourself in your adolescent's shoes to understand his thoughts and feelings.

20. Whenever your adolescent comes to talk to you regarding a choice she is currently facing, make the most out of the opportunity. Your approach to any discussion has a real impact on whether or not your adolescent feels comfortable coming to talk to you in the future. Convey to your adolescent that you want to help, but won't try to control the situation by taking the choice out of her hands or making the choice for her. 

Choice-making grows stronger each time a teenager has to figure out a tricky situation on his own – making a poor choice, facing the consequences for the poor choice, and then reliving a similar situation again with a new set of choices gathered from the first unsuccessful experience. For some teens, it may take several of these unsuccessful experiences before they figure out the successful framework to make different and more positive choices to arrive at a more fulfilling conclusion that propels them in the right direction.

These situations crop up every day (e.g., at school, at recess, at lunch, on the bus, in extracurricular activities, in email and other forms of electronic media, etc.). There is no way for parents to be present in each and every one of these settings -- and they should NOT be there for every interaction, because if they were, their teens would never have the room to gain those experiences they need for healthy development.

Moms and dads need to allow their teens to "practice, practice, practice" in order to learn, and they need to avoid the temptation to come to their rescue each time they make a mstake. Practice letting go, stepping back, and being present only when you need to be.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When Adolescent Anger Becomes Aggression Toward Parents

Disagreements are to be expected as part of family life, and these can start to happen more frequently as your youngster enters his adolescent years. Sometimes disagreements will turn into blazing rows, with your adolescent insulting you or cussing. This can be hurtful and disappointing, leaving you asking yourself how things ended up this way, or what you could have done differently.

A certain level of moodiness and irritability is to be expected from adolescents, but it’s important for parents to maintain disciplinary boundaries. It’s NEVER acceptable for an adolescent to become aggressive and physically hurt the parent. If violence against parents goes unchecked, it sends the message to the adolescent that violence is a way to get what you want in life. If violent behavior gets rewarded (due to the fact the there was no significant consequence for it), the adolescent will likely be violent toward others down the road. But unfortunately, other people will not be as accepting of such behavior and will either retaliate with violence of their own, or call the cops and have the aggressor arrested for battery.

If you have experienced aggression from your adolescent, then you need to face the issues behind all the rage. It may be hard to admit that there is a problem, but if your adolescent is pushing or smacking you, then this is domestic battery and needs to be dealt with severely. You deserve to feel safe in your own home.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Tips on coping with disagreements:

1. When possible, try to resolve arguments with a compromise, or at least show that you have understood where your adolescent’s emotions are coming from. If the situation becomes too heated and you are finding it difficult to stay calm, walk away. Avoid blame, and let your adolescent know that you will be able to talk to him again when you have calmed down.

2. Listen to your adolescent and try to see his point of view. Even if you only see it slightly, let him know instead of just disagreeing with everything. When your adolescent trusts that you can hear his views, he may be more likely to talk calmly instead of yelling and swearing.

3. If you find disagreements are getting out of hand regularly, strongly consider counseling. Your adolescent may find it helpful to talk to someone new and unbiased, someone who in not in his family and won’t judge him. Also, you can even attend family counseling sessions together.

4. Accept that disagreements do happen. Sometimes your adolescent will say really troubling things, but remember that he is still learning to cope with new situations and new emotions. Difficult feelings like rage and anxiety can be frustrating for your adolescent, and the expression of these emotions may come out in ways that are difficult for you to hear. Try to stay calm and avoid saying anything you may later regret.

Tips on dealing with aggression:

1. Understand that all adolescents need opportunities to be independent, push boundaries – and even hurl some hormone-induced verbal abuse at parents from time to time. Teenagers are entering a new phase in their life. They are searching for a new identity and trying to reject the old one, while all the time wrestling with raging hormones they can’t control.

2. Avoid using aggression with your adolescent. For example, if you are smacking your adolescent as a form of discipline, or even because you are losing control of your temper in a disagreement, then you are giving him the message that it is OK to use aggression to solve disagreements. By avoiding using aggression, you are setting a positive example of what you find acceptable.

3. Don't become hysterical and lose all control if you discover something serious that your teen is up to that you don’t approve of (e.g., being part of a gang, having a weapon, abusing drugs, etc.). When a teen with aggressive tendencies is attacked, he will be more likely to retaliate with hostility and physical force. Instead, ask him calmly why he is involved with the risky behavior, and what you can do together to address the situation.

4. Give your teen space. Recognize that he is taking anger out on you and may not know how else to deal with troublesome emotions. Once he has calmed down, you may be able to talk to him about what has happened and suggest he let you find him some help.

5. Having an aggressive adolescent “rule the roost” in your home definitely needs to be dealt with – its effect on the family can be far-reaching. Not only does it make life miserable for everyone else in the house, but you could find the younger siblings copying the aggressive adolescent’s behavior. Some door-slamming and arguing is totally understandable – and even healthy on occasion. But, if your adolescent is becoming aggressive verbally and physically, then as a parent, you need to take control in a firm but non-aggressive way.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Hostility breeds hostility, so take a deep breath and attempt to get to the root of the problem calmly with your teenager to see where this is coming from. Admitting to him that you sometimes find parenting difficult – or that you are sorry for something you said or did – can also help.

7. If your teenager is unwilling to accept that she has a problem with violence, then try to arrange counseling for her. Speak to your doctor or your teen’s school about what kind of help is available.

8. If your adolescent admits he has a problem with violent, acting-out behavior – and is willing to get help, book an appointment with a counselor as soon as possible.  Show your teen that you will support him in getting through this stage. With your love and forgiveness, your adolescent stands a much better chance of identifying rage and learning to express his strong emotions differently.

9. The most important thing is to put your safety first. Any time your youngster lashes out violently, get out of the way and go somewhere safe. If you still feel threatened or scared and don't know how to protect yourself, then you have every right to contact the police. Be clear that you will stand by the boundaries that you have set and the values that you believe in – even if that involves having your teen arrested for domestic battery.

10. If your youngster is being aggressive in some situations only (e.g., at home, but not at school), then the good news is that she knows what she is doing. She has the capacity to control her behavior, and so can change.

11. The basis of a good relationship with your adolescent is good communication. So talk to him rather than shout at him. Be as non-judgmental as you can, and that way he should be more likely to open up to you.

12. The main thing to remember is that, unless your youngster has a mental health problem, or a disorder such as ADHD (which often goes undiagnosed), then there will be an underlying issue which is making her unhappy and act aggressively. And while “going in guns blazing” may feel like your only option to combat the behavior, it’s actually the worst thing you can do.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Get Teens to Complete Homework and Chores

Do you find yourself getting sucked into a power struggle over homework and/or chores with your teenager? A lot of moms and dads tell me that this is one of their main, ongoing battles. If this is the case with you, you may have, for example, abandoned the statement, "Okay it's time for you to get off the computer and do your homework" ... because that request usually results in an argument.

Dealing with homework battles can be one of the most stressful things parents have to deal with while raising unruly, and often a responsible, teenagers. Unfortunately, too many parents take on more responsibility for homework than their child does. When this happens, it's the beginning of many years of homework battles. The teenager has learned that he can push off the responsibility for doing homework, and then his parents will take over. Not that the parents will literally complete the homework for the teenager, but they will nag, lecture, threaten, plead and beg -- all of which is a form of taking on too much responsibility for what is really the child's job.

It is certainly okay to help a teenager with a particular problem or sticking point. If he or she asks you a question about a particular problem or subject, then this form of assistance is acceptable because the teenager is just using the parent as an additional source of information -- not a crutch. But that's where the parent’s job starts and ends. Doing the work FOR the child, or begging and pleading the child to do the work, sends a very clear message that homework is a “shared responsibility.” But in reality, it's your teenager's job to go to school and to learn -- including completing homework. Your teen's teachers will be the judge of how correct or incorrect his or her work is. You are not responsible for the homework itself, but you are responsible for holding your child accountable. It's okay to make suggestions, but in the end, it is your teenager's responsibility to complete assignments, and it is the teacher's job to grade them.

Homework battles occur for many reasons. The main reason may be because your teenager would rather be playing video games, texting friends, watching TV, etc. -- anything other than opening the textbook. But no matter the reason, parents need to understand that nagging and pleading on the one end – or letting the teenager “off the hook” on the other end (to avoid an argument) – will just perpetuate the power struggles associated with homework. Rather than nagging, arguing – are just plain giving up – parents need to teach their child how to follow through on expectations ...how to be responsible for their own work ...and how to accept accountability. In other words, instead of working on a symptom of the teen’s irresponsible behavior (in this case, failure to complete homework), the parent should spend time and energy addressing the core problem (i.e., avoiding personal accountability, in general).

On that note, here is how parents can hold their child accountable and teach them to take responsibility for their own work in general, which should eventually translate to homework completion in particular:

1. Act as a role model, providing an example of what responsibility means (e.g., point out that you go to work every morning to contribute to the family's needs, or take your adolescent with you when you go to the bank to deposit money into a savings account).

2. Don’t argue, just focus on the obligation. If you argue or debate about your teen’s “excuses,” you’re simply encouraging her to come up with bigger and better ones. For example, if you say, "Why didn’t you complete your homework," you are really asking, "Why didn’t you fulfill your obligation?” When your teen says, “I forgot to bring my books home,” she’s really saying, “It’s not my fault that I didn’t fulfill my obligation.” You can respond by saying, “We’re not talking about whose fault it is, we’re talking about whose obligation it is.” In that way, you can shift the focus back onto your teen’s obligations, thus avoiding getting stuck in a disagreement about the nature of the excuse. If your teen makes excuses about her behavior, you can respond with, “We’re not talking about why you behaved that way, we’re talking about why you didn’t meet your obligation.”

3. Go slowly, gradually letting your teenager have more responsibility. Give her more responsibility in steps or increments (e.g., let her stay home by herself on a Saturday evening, then after she shows you that she can manage herself, allow her to babysit her younger siblings.

4. Point out irresponsible behaviors – and the consequences of acting in these ways. An impressionable adolescent may see “responsibility-free” celebrities as role models. Take the destructive behaviors that the tabloids expose and use the opportunities to show your adolescent what NOT to do. Initiate an open discussion when your adolescent sees, hears or talks about irresponsible celebrity behaviors (e.g., a young singer trashing a hotel room and not paying for the damages). Ask him what he thinks of the behavior and how the celebrity could act in a more responsible manner.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

5. Set clear expectations around work in general, for example chores, picking up after one's self, personal hygiene, as well as homework. Let your teenager know that you expect him to get the work done, get it done on time, and to the best of his ability. As you do this, be sure to pay attention to this important point: REWARD EFFORT as much as you do positive outcomes. This is a critical tactic here. Your child is not always going to meet your expectations to the extent that you would like. But if he makes an attempt, that should be rewarded in the form of acknowledgment and praise. For example, you ask your teenage son to clean up his room. When you go in to inspect, it doesn't meet your standards, but it looks 75% better than it did before he cleaned up. Take that 75% and run with it! And say something like, "You did a great job of getting your dirty clothes rounded up and put in the laundry basket. That's you being responsible."

6. When teens focus on excuses, moms and dads need to focus on responsibility. Of course, some excuses are valid, and the responsibility for knowing how to sort that out rests with the mother or father. But too many excuses are just that (i.e., thoughts teenagers use to excuse themselves from not meeting their responsibilities). When those are raised in a conversation where a teen wants to shift the focus away from the responsibility and onto the excuse, moms and dads have to shift it back from excuse and onto the matter at hand (i.e., the teen’s responsibility).

7. As an adolescent, your son or daughter is becoming increasingly more able to think in both abstract and rational ways. This means that your teen is developing his or her own moral code and way of thinking that is different from yours. Encourage this autonomy-seeking behavior. You want your teen to become totally independent at some point.

8. Remember that a teenager is not finished developing yet. She is on a huge learning curve. If she was a little kid and just beginning to walk, would you turn her loose in a crowd and let people knock her around, or would you be there to provide safety and structure? Of course, the latter. As a teenager, she is similar to a young child entering the grown-up world. Letting her toddle into adulthood without a safety net could be very dangerous. Many adolescents try to justify their actions with comments such as, “I want it, so I should have it,” or “All my friends are doing it, so I should be able to do it.” But, it is the parent’s job not to ignore this kind of faulty thinking. Part of the safety net is teaching a teenager why this thinking will not get her where she wants to be in life.

9. Teach your adolescent how to manage money in a responsible way. Provide him with an allowance if he isn't old enough to have an after-school job. Explain that he needs to use this money to buy the "extras" (e.g., video games, apps for his cell phone, etc.). Ask him to make a monthly budget. If your adolescent spends all of his allotment, don't give in and offer extra cash. Instead, suggest that he do extra chores around the house to earn money for what he wants.

10. When establishing rules and routines around chores, homework, etc., try to match your help with what is most needed. Some kids need hands-on guidance to complete tasks, while others are more self-directed and just need the parent’s occasional monitoring.

11. When possible, establish "flexible times" for completion of work, and post these times on the refrigerator. What I mean by "flexible times" is to give your teenager a window of opportunity to complete certain tasks. For example, let's say you have set aside 30 minutes to complete homework. But that 30 minutes of homework can be done any time between 4 PM and 7 PM. Your teenager gets to pick the "exact time" that he or she can do homework, as long as it falls within that two-hour window. The same concept could apply to chores. For example, if it is your teenager's job to take out the trash and feed the dog, then he or she has the choice of doing that anytime between 3:30 PM and 5:30 PM. In this way, it has been established that your teenager has certain work to do, and that work needs to be done within a certain time-frame – but he or she still gets to pick the exact time that the job is undertaken.

12. When you formally develop a set of expectations for your adolescent, you begin to set him up for success in meeting those expectations. That’s a crucial step in learning to handle obligations. Below are just a few suggested expectations for adolescents (pick a few and add-on as your adolescent is able to handle more obligations): 

• Cleaning her room (e.g., vacuuming, dusting, etc.) weekly (with some parental help, if needed)
• Completing homework
• Doing a daily household chore (e.g., cleaning the dinner dishes, straightening the family room, swiping down the bathroom, etc.)
• Having useful daily habits (e.g., making his bed, picking up his room, etc.)
• Helping with the weekly household chores (e.g., mowing the lawn)
• Making sure the gas gauge in the car does not go below a quarter of a tank
• Making plans with friends and giving you all of the necessary information
• Managing an allowance 
• Marking special dates and plans on the family calendar or planner 
• Taking phone messages and putting them where someone will see them

Adolescents are on the threshold of becoming grown-ups. Even though your adolescent doesn't have to deal with all the challenges of adulthood (e.g., balancing a full-time job, paying a mortgage, etc.), he can learn what it means to be responsible. During adolescence, your teenager is gaining independence, trying new activities, and meeting new challenges. Take advantage of these opportunities to teach him a lesson or two on taking responsibility for his own behaviors, actions, and future.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents