When Adolescent Anger Becomes Aggression Toward Parents

Disagreements are to be expected as part of family life, and these can start to happen more frequently as your youngster enters his adolescent years. Sometimes disagreements will turn into blazing rows, with your adolescent insulting you or cussing. This can be hurtful and disappointing, leaving you asking yourself how things ended up this way, or what you could have done differently.

A certain level of moodiness and irritability is to be expected from adolescents, but it’s important for parents to maintain disciplinary boundaries. It’s NEVER acceptable for an adolescent to become aggressive and physically hurt the parent. If violence against parents goes unchecked, it sends the message to the adolescent that violence is a way to get what you want in life. If violent behavior gets rewarded (due to the fact the there was no significant consequence for it), the adolescent will likely be violent toward others down the road. But unfortunately, other people will not be as accepting of such behavior and will either retaliate with violence of their own, or call the cops and have the aggressor arrested for battery.

If you have experienced aggression from your adolescent, then you need to face the issues behind all the rage. It may be hard to admit that there is a problem, but if your adolescent is pushing or smacking you, then this is domestic battery and needs to be dealt with severely. You deserve to feel safe in your own home.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Tips on coping with disagreements:

1. When possible, try to resolve arguments with a compromise, or at least show that you have understood where your adolescent’s emotions are coming from. If the situation becomes too heated and you are finding it difficult to stay calm, walk away. Avoid blame, and let your adolescent know that you will be able to talk to him again when you have calmed down.

2. Listen to your adolescent and try to see his point of view. Even if you only see it slightly, let him know instead of just disagreeing with everything. When your adolescent trusts that you can hear his views, he may be more likely to talk calmly instead of yelling and swearing.

3. If you find disagreements are getting out of hand regularly, strongly consider counseling. Your adolescent may find it helpful to talk to someone new and unbiased, someone who in not in his family and won’t judge him. Also, you can even attend family counseling sessions together.

4. Accept that disagreements do happen. Sometimes your adolescent will say really troubling things, but remember that he is still learning to cope with new situations and new emotions. Difficult feelings like rage and anxiety can be frustrating for your adolescent, and the expression of these emotions may come out in ways that are difficult for you to hear. Try to stay calm and avoid saying anything you may later regret.

Tips on dealing with aggression:

1. Understand that all adolescents need opportunities to be independent, push boundaries – and even hurl some hormone-induced verbal abuse at parents from time to time. Teenagers are entering a new phase in their life. They are searching for a new identity and trying to reject the old one, while all the time wrestling with raging hormones they can’t control.

2. Avoid using aggression with your adolescent. For example, if you are smacking your adolescent as a form of discipline, or even because you are losing control of your temper in a disagreement, then you are giving him the message that it is OK to use aggression to solve disagreements. By avoiding using aggression, you are setting a positive example of what you find acceptable.

3. Don't become hysterical and lose all control if you discover something serious that your teen is up to that you don’t approve of (e.g., being part of a gang, having a weapon, abusing drugs, etc.). When a teen with aggressive tendencies is attacked, he will be more likely to retaliate with hostility and physical force. Instead, ask him calmly why he is involved with the risky behavior, and what you can do together to address the situation.

4. Give your teen space. Recognize that he is taking anger out on you and may not know how else to deal with troublesome emotions. Once he has calmed down, you may be able to talk to him about what has happened and suggest he let you find him some help.

5. Having an aggressive adolescent “rule the roost” in your home definitely needs to be dealt with – its effect on the family can be far-reaching. Not only does it make life miserable for everyone else in the house, but you could find the younger siblings copying the aggressive adolescent’s behavior. Some door-slamming and arguing is totally understandable – and even healthy on occasion. But, if your adolescent is becoming aggressive verbally and physically, then as a parent, you need to take control in a firm but non-aggressive way.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Hostility breeds hostility, so take a deep breath and attempt to get to the root of the problem calmly with your teenager to see where this is coming from. Admitting to him that you sometimes find parenting difficult – or that you are sorry for something you said or did – can also help.

7. If your teenager is unwilling to accept that she has a problem with violence, then try to arrange counseling for her. Speak to your doctor or your teen’s school about what kind of help is available.

8. If your adolescent admits he has a problem with violent, acting-out behavior – and is willing to get help, book an appointment with a counselor as soon as possible.  Show your teen that you will support him in getting through this stage. With your love and forgiveness, your adolescent stands a much better chance of identifying rage and learning to express his strong emotions differently.

9. The most important thing is to put your safety first. Any time your youngster lashes out violently, get out of the way and go somewhere safe. If you still feel threatened or scared and don't know how to protect yourself, then you have every right to contact the police. Be clear that you will stand by the boundaries that you have set and the values that you believe in – even if that involves having your teen arrested for domestic battery.

10. If your youngster is being aggressive in some situations only (e.g., at home, but not at school), then the good news is that she knows what she is doing. She has the capacity to control her behavior, and so can change.

11. The basis of a good relationship with your adolescent is good communication. So talk to him rather than shout at him. Be as non-judgmental as you can, and that way he should be more likely to open up to you.

12. The main thing to remember is that, unless your youngster has a mental health problem, or a disorder such as ADHD (which often goes undiagnosed), then there will be an underlying issue which is making her unhappy and act aggressively. And while “going in guns blazing” may feel like your only option to combat the behavior, it’s actually the worst thing you can do.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Get Teens to Complete Homework and Chores

Do you find yourself getting sucked into a power struggle over homework and/or chores with your teenager? A lot of moms and dads tell me that this is one of their main, ongoing battles. If this is the case with you, you may have, for example, abandoned the statement, "Okay it's time for you to get off the computer and do your homework" ... because that request usually results in an argument.

Dealing with homework battles can be one of the most stressful things parents have to deal with while raising unruly, and often a responsible, teenagers. Unfortunately, too many parents take on more responsibility for homework than their child does. When this happens, it's the beginning of many years of homework battles. The teenager has learned that he can push off the responsibility for doing homework, and then his parents will take over. Not that the parents will literally complete the homework for the teenager, but they will nag, lecture, threaten, plead and beg -- all of which is a form of taking on too much responsibility for what is really the child's job.

It is certainly okay to help a teenager with a particular problem or sticking point. If he or she asks you a question about a particular problem or subject, then this form of assistance is acceptable because the teenager is just using the parent as an additional source of information -- not a crutch. But that's where the parent’s job starts and ends. Doing the work FOR the child, or begging and pleading the child to do the work, sends a very clear message that homework is a “shared responsibility.” But in reality, it's your teenager's job to go to school and to learn -- including completing homework. Your teen's teachers will be the judge of how correct or incorrect his or her work is. You are not responsible for the homework itself, but you are responsible for holding your child accountable. It's okay to make suggestions, but in the end, it is your teenager's responsibility to complete assignments, and it is the teacher's job to grade them.

Homework battles occur for many reasons. The main reason may be because your teenager would rather be playing video games, texting friends, watching TV, etc. -- anything other than opening the textbook. But no matter the reason, parents need to understand that nagging and pleading on the one end – or letting the teenager “off the hook” on the other end (to avoid an argument) – will just perpetuate the power struggles associated with homework. Rather than nagging, arguing – are just plain giving up – parents need to teach their child how to follow through on expectations ...how to be responsible for their own work ...and how to accept accountability. In other words, instead of working on a symptom of the teen’s irresponsible behavior (in this case, failure to complete homework), the parent should spend time and energy addressing the core problem (i.e., avoiding personal accountability, in general).

On that note, here is how parents can hold their child accountable and teach them to take responsibility for their own work in general, which should eventually translate to homework completion in particular:

1. Act as a role model, providing an example of what responsibility means (e.g., point out that you go to work every morning to contribute to the family's needs, or take your adolescent with you when you go to the bank to deposit money into a savings account).

2. Don’t argue, just focus on the obligation. If you argue or debate about your teen’s “excuses,” you’re simply encouraging her to come up with bigger and better ones. For example, if you say, "Why didn’t you complete your homework," you are really asking, "Why didn’t you fulfill your obligation?” When your teen says, “I forgot to bring my books home,” she’s really saying, “It’s not my fault that I didn’t fulfill my obligation.” You can respond by saying, “We’re not talking about whose fault it is, we’re talking about whose obligation it is.” In that way, you can shift the focus back onto your teen’s obligations, thus avoiding getting stuck in a disagreement about the nature of the excuse. If your teen makes excuses about her behavior, you can respond with, “We’re not talking about why you behaved that way, we’re talking about why you didn’t meet your obligation.”

3. Go slowly, gradually letting your teenager have more responsibility. Give her more responsibility in steps or increments (e.g., let her stay home by herself on a Saturday evening, then after she shows you that she can manage herself, allow her to babysit her younger siblings.

4. Point out irresponsible behaviors – and the consequences of acting in these ways. An impressionable adolescent may see “responsibility-free” celebrities as role models. Take the destructive behaviors that the tabloids expose and use the opportunities to show your adolescent what NOT to do. Initiate an open discussion when your adolescent sees, hears or talks about irresponsible celebrity behaviors (e.g., a young singer trashing a hotel room and not paying for the damages). Ask him what he thinks of the behavior and how the celebrity could act in a more responsible manner.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

5. Set clear expectations around work in general, for example chores, picking up after one's self, personal hygiene, as well as homework. Let your teenager know that you expect him to get the work done, get it done on time, and to the best of his ability. As you do this, be sure to pay attention to this important point: REWARD EFFORT as much as you do positive outcomes. This is a critical tactic here. Your child is not always going to meet your expectations to the extent that you would like. But if he makes an attempt, that should be rewarded in the form of acknowledgment and praise. For example, you ask your teenage son to clean up his room. When you go in to inspect, it doesn't meet your standards, but it looks 75% better than it did before he cleaned up. Take that 75% and run with it! And say something like, "You did a great job of getting your dirty clothes rounded up and put in the laundry basket. That's you being responsible."

6. When teens focus on excuses, moms and dads need to focus on responsibility. Of course, some excuses are valid, and the responsibility for knowing how to sort that out rests with the mother or father. But too many excuses are just that (i.e., thoughts teenagers use to excuse themselves from not meeting their responsibilities). When those are raised in a conversation where a teen wants to shift the focus away from the responsibility and onto the excuse, moms and dads have to shift it back from excuse and onto the matter at hand (i.e., the teen’s responsibility).

7. As an adolescent, your son or daughter is becoming increasingly more able to think in both abstract and rational ways. This means that your teen is developing his or her own moral code and way of thinking that is different from yours. Encourage this autonomy-seeking behavior. You want your teen to become totally independent at some point.

8. Remember that a teenager is not finished developing yet. She is on a huge learning curve. If she was a little kid and just beginning to walk, would you turn her loose in a crowd and let people knock her around, or would you be there to provide safety and structure? Of course, the latter. As a teenager, she is similar to a young child entering the grown-up world. Letting her toddle into adulthood without a safety net could be very dangerous. Many adolescents try to justify their actions with comments such as, “I want it, so I should have it,” or “All my friends are doing it, so I should be able to do it.” But, it is the parent’s job not to ignore this kind of faulty thinking. Part of the safety net is teaching a teenager why this thinking will not get her where she wants to be in life.

9. Teach your adolescent how to manage money in a responsible way. Provide him with an allowance if he isn't old enough to have an after-school job. Explain that he needs to use this money to buy the "extras" (e.g., video games, apps for his cell phone, etc.). Ask him to make a monthly budget. If your adolescent spends all of his allotment, don't give in and offer extra cash. Instead, suggest that he do extra chores around the house to earn money for what he wants.

10. When establishing rules and routines around chores, homework, etc., try to match your help with what is most needed. Some kids need hands-on guidance to complete tasks, while others are more self-directed and just need the parent’s occasional monitoring.

11. When possible, establish "flexible times" for completion of work, and post these times on the refrigerator. What I mean by "flexible times" is to give your teenager a window of opportunity to complete certain tasks. For example, let's say you have set aside 30 minutes to complete homework. But that 30 minutes of homework can be done any time between 4 PM and 7 PM. Your teenager gets to pick the "exact time" that he or she can do homework, as long as it falls within that two-hour window. The same concept could apply to chores. For example, if it is your teenager's job to take out the trash and feed the dog, then he or she has the choice of doing that anytime between 3:30 PM and 5:30 PM. In this way, it has been established that your teenager has certain work to do, and that work needs to be done within a certain time-frame – but he or she still gets to pick the exact time that the job is undertaken.

12. When you formally develop a set of expectations for your adolescent, you begin to set him up for success in meeting those expectations. That’s a crucial step in learning to handle obligations. Below are just a few suggested expectations for adolescents (pick a few and add-on as your adolescent is able to handle more obligations): 

• Cleaning her room (e.g., vacuuming, dusting, etc.) weekly (with some parental help, if needed)
• Completing homework
• Doing a daily household chore (e.g., cleaning the dinner dishes, straightening the family room, swiping down the bathroom, etc.)
• Having useful daily habits (e.g., making his bed, picking up his room, etc.)
• Helping with the weekly household chores (e.g., mowing the lawn)
• Making sure the gas gauge in the car does not go below a quarter of a tank
• Making plans with friends and giving you all of the necessary information
• Managing an allowance 
• Marking special dates and plans on the family calendar or planner 
• Taking phone messages and putting them where someone will see them

Adolescents are on the threshold of becoming grown-ups. Even though your adolescent doesn't have to deal with all the challenges of adulthood (e.g., balancing a full-time job, paying a mortgage, etc.), he can learn what it means to be responsible. During adolescence, your teenager is gaining independence, trying new activities, and meeting new challenges. Take advantage of these opportunities to teach him a lesson or two on taking responsibility for his own behaviors, actions, and future.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How To Set Effective Boundaries With Defiant Teens

As a youngster grows into an adolescent, parents often discover that their usual disciplinary methods are no longer effective. Many parents come to realize that they are no longer “in charge” – and that positive change needs to happen soon as their teenager is seemingly on a course of self-destruction.

When old disciplinary techniques no longer work, the parent may be tempted to try and be her teen's “friend” in a last ditch effort to maintain the peace. But, even when teens are rebelling, they still need the parent to be the parent (not a “buddy”) and let them know what the rules and boundaries are. Adolescents need to figure out what being a young adult means for them, and this will inevitably lead to some clashes with the parent.

If the parent’s way of setting boundaries used to be to “lay down the law” with her children (e.g., to insist, “Because I said so!”), she may find it more difficult now with her teenagers. It's much easier to exert pressure on youngsters who look up to the parent than it is over adolescents who are seeking their autonomy. Younger kids have a vested interest in maintaining the security that comes from them feeling that the parent knows best. Adolescents are not like that!

One of the major tasks of adolescence is to learn to “take control” and to decide what is right and wrong. One of the first things adolescents may discover is that the sanctions that the parent can impose are not that powerful. Teens may be the parent’s size – or bigger. What keeps teenagers in the house when they're grounded is mutual consent and mutual respect – not pressure tactics from the parent.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The only thing that might (emphasis on “might”) make teens do what the parent says is the thought of what it may do to the parent-child relationship afterwards if they defy the parent. But if the relationship is already going downhill, and if the sense of defiance is greater than the need for parental approval, then the “parent-child relationship” takes a back seat (in the mind of the teenager).

So what can parents do in this situation? While boundaries are important, parents will find that it's much more effective to enforce them by considering the various needs being expressed when they clash with their teenager. This may mean swallowing their pride and need to be in control. A younger kid needs parental approval. An adolescent wants parental approval too, but he or she wants “respect” even more!

The physical, mental, emotional and social changes that happen to an adolescent can have a profound effect on the entire family. As the mom or dad, it may feel important to keep things the same (e.g., the parent being the one giving the orders). But at a time when adolescents are developing and looking to a new self, having the parent give the orders and trying to put the brakes on the change often provokes even more rebellion than they might have shown anyway. Thus, when adolescents defy the parent, she will do well to reach for a new way of exerting discipline. 

Discipline is something parents do to help their teens learn (the original meaning of the word is “to teach”). The best way to get adolescents to behave in ways that please the parent is to help them understand what they actually want and need, and to see how they can get those needs met in ways that don’t disrespect the parent.

Parental punishment and control is not what adolescents need when struggling with their conflicting emotions. When adolescents act up, they are often fighting to get parental attention, acceptance and appreciation – as well as independence. The parent can help her teens by talking openly about the changes they are going through, helping them express their feelings, giving them plenty of time and attention, as well as providing love, reassurance and support.

Boundaries work far better if they are made and agreed together with adolescents. When adolescents understand the reasons behind the parent’s decision, and see that she has taken their opinions into account, they may be more motivated to co-operate.

Boundaries help the parent to keep her children safe. But as they get older, the parent will need to negotiate and let them take more responsibility for their own safety. There may be times when the parent’s values conflict with the values that her teens are learning from other people and the media. This may be when she finds herself negotiating.

The parent should talk to her adolescents and let them know what is important to her and why, then give them a chance to respond – and really listen to what they have to say. When the parent is genuinely willing to compromise, she may find that the conversation is much more effective, as her adolescents gain a sense of responsibility. Parents need to figure out what is really important, and what could be let go of. Too many rules cause resentment and are impossible to maintain. Thus, striking a balance and being prepared to re-negotiate is crucial to the success of raising teenagers.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Helping Your Teen To Be Less Oppositional

During adolescence, young people are busy trying to make sense of the physical changes happening to them, changes in their feelings, sexual attraction, and the desire to be in control. Just like other feelings, some oppositional behavior is perfectly normal for teenagers – after all, it’s one of the main ways that assert their independence. However, oppositional behavior can be hurtful and destructive when taken to an extreme.

Just like physical pain, oppositional behavior itself can have an important function to tell the teenager that what is happening is not acceptable and that something needs to change. Having a strong desire to rebel against parents can be an early warning sign that important needs are not being met. For teens, oppositional behavior is a push towards making changes, a way of showing parents how they feel, and what they need to happen.

Often times, adolescents push their parents too far, and the resulting arguments and conflict seem like childish temper tantrums. When teenagers have strong feelings, they are not able to think straight or listen to reason. They get flooded with feelings. What they need is to express their feelings safely and to calm down enough to sort out the problem.

Your adolescent's oppositional behavior will often be directed at you, and she may want you to listen to her and do something. But, sometimes she is upset and angry about issues which have little to do with you. The problem could have been started by an argument she is having with a peer at school, and she may think you are interfering. Listen and take responsibility for things your teen may want differently from you, but don't get angry back. Don’t let her oppositional behavior become your oppositional behavior (e.g., engaging in a war-of-wills or power struggles), as strong feelings can be infectious.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Make it your starting point to understand your teen rather than having a need to win the argument or make him behave. Listen to the tune – not the words. So for example, instead of hearing, “I hate you! Why don't you leave me the F*** alone?” …you hear, “I'm really hurting right now. I'm trying to manage on my own, and it feels like you don't love me or trust me!”

By trying to understand what is really going on beneath what your teenager is saying, you can help her work out what she is really feeling – and what it is she needs. Just the act of listening helps to lower strong emotions and can bring her back into balance. It can also help to name what you think your teen could be feeling (e.g., in the face of oppositional behavior, you can say something like, “You sound really upset about something” …or “It sounds as if you're feeling afraid”). By naming the feeling, you can help your adolescent work out what she wants or needs.

Understanding your adolescent's feelings and needs and why he acts the way he does is not the same as condoning or accepting some behavior. Once you have calmed your teenager down by listening and restoring the thinking/feeling balance, you can then set limits on his behavior while helping him find ways to solve his problem (e.g., you could say something like, “I'd like you to find a way of dealing with this issue without yelling at me and throwing things. What do you think would help?”).

The bottom line is this: In the face of oppositional behavior, you need to let the initial flush of “hot” feelings cool down. Then when calm is restored, be sure to acknowledge the painful and strong feelings your adolescent has been experiencing. Help her work out how she was feeling, what she needed, what she can do to express such feelings more appropriately in the future, and get what she needs without displaying hostile, oppositional behavior. Sometimes, simply recognizing and accepting your teen’s feelings and needs is enough. Other times, you may need to help her work out what she is going to do. “Moving on” may mean having to accept there is nothing she can do to change a situation, but she can always change how she acts or feels about it.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What To Do When Your Teen Gets Arrested

If your adolescent is in trouble with the law (e.g., for possession of drugs, public intoxication, theft, etc.), then it is understandable that you feel panic-stricken. You are probably very unsure of what’s to come in terms of legal ramifications – and your teen’s future. Things will be different now for both you and your adolescent. 

Below you will find some important information that will help you to understand – and deal effectively with – this situation. Being well-informed should alleviate some of the stress you’re feeling as the mother or father of a teenager in legal trouble:

1. First of all, make sure your adolescent is safe. Is he jail? Is he in a safe jail? Some communities have safe jails, other communities don’t! If it is safe, you should leave him in jail for the night to teach him a valuable lesson. If he is unsafe, get him out as soon as possible.

2. Don't hire an attorney for the small stuff (e.g., truancy, curfew violation). If it is a minor issue, there’s no need to pay good money for an attorney. Also, most juvenile courts provide a public defender.

3. If you feel that you should hire an attorney, but can’t afford one, there are some options. Most attorneys offer free consultations, and if you do enough research beforehand and ask the right questions, you could be able to prepare yourself to the point where you do not need to actually hire the attorney. You also have the option of being represented by a public defender (although these attorneys are often unable to give your case as much time or personal attention as a private attorney).

4. Throughout the legal process, it is important that you keep things in perspective and resist the urge to panic. Remember that your adolescent is still a minor, and as such, the penalties she will receive are likely to be far less severe than if she were charged as a grown-up. Thus, this incident probably doesn’t have the ability to ruin her future. Even though this is a disturbing situation, simply remind yourself that this is not the worst that could happen and that your family will pull through. It’s definitely not the end of the world.

5. Don't lecture or yell at your adolescent as added punishment. He’s already received a consequence (i.e., getting arrested). This problem is your adolescent's problem, not yours. Let him take responsibility for his own mistake.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Regardless of the crime your adolescent allegedly committed, it is important that you take the issue seriously. All crimes, no matter how small, have the potential to wreak havoc on the family. Also, teens who begin to commit a series of “small crimes” now often graduate to larger crimes later.

7. Find out what actually happened. Get your adolescent to tell you the whole story, and base your actions based on the severity of the crime.

8. Stay objective and calm. Finally someone else is reprimanding your adolescent (e.g., police officer, probation officer, judge). This is a good learning experience for an out-of-control adolescent. You have every right to be worried, but don’t allow your emotions to cloud your judgment. You’re probably feeling hurt and disappointed – and that’s all completely understandable. But it’s important that you keep your head together for the sake of your teenager. At all times, remain calm and collected in order to protect your adolescent’s rights and to be the mom or dad she needs you to be.  You have every right to be disappointed, but don’t allow that disappointment to prevent you from helping your adolescent right her wrongs.

9. Your adolescent’s juvenile criminal record will be hidden from public view once he reaches adulthood, but that doesn’t mean that your problems as a parent are over with. While first offenses are often not punished very harshly, the legal system makes up for this leniency by punishing repeat offenders much more severely.  Also, juvenile offenders are more likely to become adult offenders if their underlying issues (e.g., emotional, psychological, family-related, etc.) are not addressed. Thus, be sure to provide your adolescent with the care, counseling, or discipline he needs as soon as possible. If you don’t, the law breaking habit could stay with him into adulthood, where it will carry much stiffer penalties.

10. When your teenager has been arrested, be sure that she receives fair treatment throughout the legal process – no matter what she has been arrested for. A juvenile offender has rights too!

Brief Summary of the Juvenile Justice System—

• A juvenile case gets started when a prosecutor or probation officer files a civil petition, charging the teen with violating a criminal statute and asking that the court determine that the teen is delinquent. If the charges are proved and a delinquency determination is made, the adolescent offender comes under the court’s broad powers. At that point, the juvenile court has the authority to do what it considers to be in the best interest of the teen.
• Each state has special courts called juvenile courts to deal with teens who have been accused of violating a criminal statute. The proceedings are civil as opposed to criminal. So, instead of being formally charged with a crime, teenage offenders are accused of committing a delinquent act.
• Juvenile courts have a broad range of sentencing options called "disposition orders" if they find that a teenager is delinquent. Courts can reprimand the young person in a variety of ways (e.g., incarceration in a traditional juvenile detention facility, house arrest, community service, etc.). More importantly, juvenile courts can order a whole range of consequences that do not involve confinement (e.g., counseling, curfews, probation, etc.). 
• Juvenile delinquency cases involve teens who have committed crimes (i.e., if the crime had been committed by an adult, the matter would be tried in regular criminal court). But the procedures in juvenile court differ significantly from those in adult criminal court. Many juvenile cases involve “status offenses.” A status offense is a “violation” (rather than a “crime”) that only applies to minors (e.g., truancy, curfew violations, running away, underage drinking). 
• Law enforcement agencies refer approximately two-thirds of all arrested teens to a court with juvenile jurisdiction for further processing. The court may decide to divert some teens away from the formal justice system to other agencies for service. Prosecutors may file some juvenile cases directly in criminal court. 
• Most states consider kids under the age of 7 to be incapable of determining the difference between right and wrong. So, young people under the age of 7 are usually excused from responsibility for acts they commit. Instead, moms and dads may have to pay compensation to anyone victimized by the acts of their youngster. 
• Most states regard young people 14 and older as capable of forming criminal intent, so the majority of cases involving teens from 14 to 18 years of age are adjudicated in juvenile court. In certain circumstances, a juvenile can be tried in adult criminal court. 
• Roughly 50% of all juvenile arrests are made for theft, simple assault, drug abuse, disorderly conduct, and curfew violations.
• Some juvenile cases are transferred to adult court in a procedure called a "waiver." Typically, juvenile cases that are subject to waiver involve serious offenses (e.g., rape, murder) or teens who have been in trouble before. Juvenile offenders have a right to a hearing to determine if their case should be transferred to adult court. 
• To be eligible for juvenile court, a teen must be a considered a "juvenile" under state law. In most states, the maximum age for using juvenile court is 18. In a few states, the age is 16 or 17 (in Wyoming, the maximum age is set at 19).
• When a teen is suspected of violating a criminal statute, the procedures are much different from those used in adult criminal court. Police, prosecutors, intake officials and judges all have broad discretion to take more informal steps in handling the case. As a result, many teenage offenders never reach the point of a formal adjudicatory hearing. Similarly, the constitutional rights of teens are different from those of grown-ups who have been accused of committing a crime (e.g., although teenage offenders have the right to an attorney at an adjudicatory hearing, in most states they do not have the right to have their case heard by a jury).

No mother or father wants to think about the day that phone call may come – the one telling parents that their adolescent has been arrested. The days and weeks that follow can be complicated and worrisome as you and your adolescent have to face the consequences. Finding ways to cope with this difficult situation is critical to your child’s long-term, law-abiding behavior.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Understanding Your Teenager’s Mood Swings

Adolescence is a time of storm and stress. Cultural, spiritual, and familial factors play a role in whether or not an adolescent will experiences mood swings. A teenager’s mood may suddenly shift from elation and euphoria to extreme sadness or frustration – and then on to another emotion. In some cases, mood changes are reactions to the teen’s environment or circumstances (although the intensity of the mood might seem out of proportion with the significance of the event). In other cases, mood swings may occur for no apparent reason. Most researchers agree that it is a combination of emotional and biological factors that affect an adolescent’s mood.

Adolescents have not yet developed the skills to deal with the pressures, frustrations, and worries of life. As their lives become more complicated and adult-like, they don’t have the built-in coping strategies that grown-ups have developed. Thus, they are prone to react very emotionally to certain circumstances. Also, adolescents are typically very preoccupied with identity formations and becoming separate from their moms and dads. While the world seems to be changing constantly around them, they feel as though they can’t handle the pressure, and this will inevitably lead to a slightly off-balance emotional state. This is one reason behind adolescent mood swings.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Researchers have discovered that the brain continues to grow and develop through the teenage years much more than originally thought. Because the brain reaches 90% of its full size by the age of 6, it has historically been believed that it had also reached almost full development. Now it is believed that the brain changes much more during the teenage years than previously believed. One of the last areas to go through this change process is the prefrontal cortex, which is the area of the brain responsible for planning, judgment, and self-control. This means that while adolescents have very strong feelings and passions, they don’t have the mechanisms in place to control these feelings. This is yet another reason for adolescent mood swings.

Adolescence is a time when the body starts producing sex hormones and goes through a major growth spurt. The physical changes that adolescents experience cause them to feel strange, confused or uncomfortable, and this often erodes their sense of security. Because of the effect that this has on their psychological state, they may strike out or experience conflicting moods.

Mood swings can leave adolescents feeling like they’re out of control. If the mood swings are severely abnormal or prolonged, the adolescent should see a professional about other possible issues. Normal adolescent mood swings can make the young person feel unbalanced, though, and are not to be taken lightly.

A teenager’s mood swings may accompany other psychological or cognitive symptoms including: 

• Withdrawal or depression
• Confusion or forgetfulness
• Reckless or inappropriate behaviors
• Poor judgment
• Mood depression or elevation
• Hallucinations or delusions
• Anxiety, irritability or agitation
• Alcohol consumption
• Drug use
• Difficulty with memory, thinking, talking, comprehension, writing or reading
• Racing thoughts and rapid speech
• Difficulty with concentration or attention
• Changes in mood, personality or behavior
• Boredom

Mood swings may also accompany symptoms related to other body systems including: 

• Sleep disturbances
• Nausea with or without vomiting
• Missed menstrual cycles
• Seizures and tremors
• Appetite and weight changes
• Incontinence, weakness, or sensory changes
• Fatigue
• Shortness of breath
• Cough that gets more severe over time

Parents should try to get answers to the following questions related to their teen’s mood swings: 

• Is your teen using any illicit drugs?
• Does he drink any alcohol?
• Does she have any other psychiatric or medical problems?
• Do he have any other symptoms (e.g., anxiety, depression)?
• Does anything make her better or worse?
• What medications is he taking?
• What behavior does she exhibit when she has mood swings (anger, lethargy)?
• When did you first notice your teen’s mood swings?

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Here are some tips for dealing with teenage mood swings:

1. Behavioral therapy helps to weaken the connections between troublesome circumstances and habitual reactions to them. Reactions common to mood swings (e.g., fear, anxiety, depression, anger, etc.) can be controlled. Behavioral therapy teaches your adolescent how to calm the mind and body so he can feel better, think more clearly, and make better decisions.

2. Cognitive therapy teaches your adolescent how certain thinking patterns are causing unwanted symptoms (e.g., having a distorted picture of what's going on in her life that makes her feel anxious, depressed or angry for no apparent reason – and provokes her into negative actions). Resolving the cognitive aspect of mood swings can mean improved social interaction, more confidence, and a more positive outlook on life.

3. Communicating with your physician is an important part in the diagnosis and treatment of mood swings. By talking to your physician openly, you allow him to provide your teenager with the best mood swings treatment program possible.

4. Exercise releases endorphin into the blood stream, and these chemicals can help to regulate mood and ease frustration.

5. Literary therapy incorporates articles, books, and other research materials into the process of healing. By gathering information about mood swings, your teen can acquire in-depth knowledge about his problems. This knowledge can provide the essential tools for controlling and resolving his issues. There is a lot of information available from a wide range of perspectives. Many books can be checked out from a local library, and most internet information is presented free of charge.

6. Painting, drawing, writing, or building something can help an adolescent to express his emotions in a healthy way.

7. Regular sleep helps keep the mind in top shape.

8. Stepping back and trying to look at the situation from another angle, counting to ten, or just sitting with the uncomfortable feelings for a moment will help the adolescent to realize that it’s not as bad as it seems.

9. Talk therapy involves the idea of healing through communication. Talking to friends, parents, or a therapist can help your adolescent to find support for dealing with mood swings. Communication comes naturally to people, and the simple act of discussing life’s problems can be extremely helpful in the healing process.

10. Talking to a friend who is dealing with the same issues will make your teen feel less abnormal and help her realize that she is not crazy.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. The mood may pass as quickly as it struck, so wait before acting out on extreme emotions.

12. There are many non-prescription alternatives on the market today. Some of these alternatives contain supplemental vitamins and minerals, while others contain herbal alternatives that have been used to naturally treat mood swings. Clinical evidence for Kava Kava, Valerian, and St. Johns Wort suggests that these herbal supplements can provide significant benefit in helping to relieve negative mood and other symptoms related to anxiety and depression.

13. Avoid negative sighs when your adolescent is having a hard conversation with you. Don't roll your eyes, look in a different direction or shake your head no.

14. Don't demand that your teen wear a certain outfit.

15. Don't treat your teen like a little kid.

16. If your teen tells you to stop doing something (e.g., singing, whistling, humming, dancing), stop!

17. Learn about what your teen does at school and who he hangs out with (but don't ask questions about who's dating who).

18. Let your adolescent finish her sentences without interruptions. Most adolescents, whether they are moody or not, hate when their mom or dad interrupts because it makes them feel as if you weren't listening to what they had to say.

19. Listen with your heart, be all ears.

20. Never act like your teen’s friend, as in, if you are with her and her friends, don't try to include yourself in her conversations. This won't only bother her, but it will bother her friends.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Over-Negotiating with Your Teen

If you are the parent of a defiant teenager, you probably discovered a long time ago that whenever you tell him or her "no" – it automatically turns into a power-struggle. Even the most simplest of requests can often result in very stressful parent-child conflict.

As a result, many parents (in an effort to reduce their stress) find themselves “over-negotiating” with their teenager ...anything to eliminate the drama and backtalk.

While negotiating is certainly an important parenting tool in many situations, if it is used to simply "keep the peace" and avoid arguments at all cost, the result is over-indulgent parenting. And unfortunately, there is nothing that feeds “defiance” more than over-indulgence.

Appropriate negotiation would look like this:

Your teenager feels like he should get a raise on his allowance. He recently turned 16, and feels that $15 per week is not enough. So he asks if you would be willing to go $20 per week. You come back with, "Yes I am willing to give you a five dollar raise if you will start taking responsibility for the yard work. That will include mowing, trimming, as well as raking leaves in the fall." If your son agrees to these terms, it's a win-win situation. If he doesn't, then he gets no raise in allowance - period!

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Now let's look at an example of over-negotiation (used to avoid another tug-of-war):

Your teenager states that all of his friends are getting $20 a week for allowance, and he feels like you're a cheapskate. So he says, "You should start giving me $20 a week. I'm not a kid anymore." Then you state that you would be willing to go $20 per week if he would do the yard work. He contests that notion, stating that none of his friends have to do yard work.

With an attitude of self-entitlement, he asserts that he shouldn't have to work for an allowance. You come back with, "Fine …if you don't want to do the yard work, then you only get $15 a week." An argument ensues, it goes back and forth for 5 minutes, and you finally say, "OKAY! I'll give you $20 a week if you’ll just stop arguing with me, but it wouldn't hurt you to start doing some chores around here."

In the example above, you did indeed avoid a lengthy power-struggle, but unfortunately you also fed defiance. Now you're teenager knows that all he has to do is pressure you and you will "wave the white flag" and let him have his way. So the next time he wants something, he won't be up for compromise or negotiation. Instead, he will push for a one-sided deal once again.

So how can parents avoid over-negotiating while at the same time lessen the risk of initiating a tug-of-war? Here are a few ideas that can help you with this issue:

1. As much as possible, involve your teenager in the decision-making process. Many (if not most) situations are negotiable to a certain extent. For example, if your teenage son wants to have some friends over on a Friday evening for pizza and watch a movie, you could say, "I might let you have your friends over. What are you going to do to earn that privilege? If I'm going to rent a movie and buy pizza, what do I get in return?" Then let your teenager come up with some ideas about what he can do to earn this privilege. If his proposal sounds reasonable, then you may want to accept it.

2. When you're teenager tells you that she wants something (e.g., your 16-year old daughter wants to go watch an R-rated movie with her friends), rather than simply saying "no," you could say, "Let me think about that and I'll give you an answer in a few minutes." In this case, you get on the computer or your smart phone to watch the trailer of the movie your daughter wants to watch. If it seems to be appropriate, then the answer can be "yes" (however, if you are paying for her movie ticket, she needs to do something in the way of chores to earn that money).

If it appears that the movie has too much violence, profanity or nudity, then you can say, "I don't believe that is an appropriate movie. Are there any other ones that are playing that you might be interested in? I was just on the movie theater’s website – go check it out and see what else is playing?" In this way, you're not verbally saying "no" (even though the real answer is "no"), and you are offering an alternative. Of course, this doesn't guarantee that you will avoid a power-struggle, but at least you're engaging in proper negotiation as opposed to over-negotiation.

3. Sometimes your teen will want something, and your answer could be, “I’m saying ‘no’ to that for now, but my answer might be ‘yes’ if you change a few things.” For example, let’s say your teen wants to spend the night at a friend’s house on Friday night, but she has volley ball practice the following morning (Saturday) at 8:00 A.M. – and you know that she will likely miss that practice because she and her friend will probably stay up most of the night.

So you could say, “The answer is ‘no’ for Friday night because you have to get up early for volley ball practice. However, I would not have a problem with you spending the night with your friend on Saturday.” In this way, you’re really saying “yes,” as long as the activity occurs on a different day. That’s good negotiation on your part.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. If your teenager wants to do something and your answer is going to be "no" ...before saying "no," take a few minutes to think about why you don't want him or her to do this particular activity. Sometimes parents automatically say "no" without considering if the answer could really be "yes." For example, your teenager asks if he can go to Kings Island with his new friend and his friend’s parents, but you instinctively say, "No, I've never met your friend and I know nothing about his parents. Plus, I can't afford it right now."

But after you said "no," you regret the decision because it was a missed opportunity for your son to have a really cool trip -- and he would be out of your hair for the day. So, after rethinking the situation, you tell your teenager that you will reconsider IF he brings his friend over so you can meet him, and you will also discuss this with the friend's parents. This is another example of proper negotiation.

5. Of course, there will be times when the answer is "no" and there is ZERO room for negotiation (e.g., your teenager wants to go to a party where beer will be available, but he promises not to drink any). So you will do one of two things: either you will stick with "no," or you will cave-in and over-negotiate just to stop an argument.

Assuming that you're going to "stick to your guns," you can say, "I understand that you really want to go to that party. But I have thought about this long and hard, and I'm not willing to negotiate since there will be alcohol involved." In this way, you're not using the “N O” word, which may make it less likely that your teenager will pressure you into a power-struggle and your subsequent caving-in.

When we as parents over-negotiate, it usually creates a lose-win situation. Parents lose, teenagers win. While it's true that sometimes it's much easier just to give in, it's important to remember that once you "cave" to avoid an argument, you have also greatly increased the likelihood that your teenager will use pressure tactics in the future. In other words, with over-negotiation, you may avoid a power-struggle FOR NOW, but you inadvertently create more struggles for later.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How To Get Teens To Cooperate With No Nagging From Parents

Do you remember the last time you asked your teenager to do something, and she actually followed through fairly quickly – without you having to ask a second time? If you're like most parents, you do not remember the last time this happened, because your teenager has not responded to your "first requests" in a long time. Whether its chores, homework, turning off the computer, or stopping a fight with a sibling, most parents of defiant teens find themselves forever nagging and pleading and threatening.

Is it even possible to get a defiant teenager to respond to your first request? The answer is "absolutely." But it's going to take some time and effort on your part. Also, it's going to take some time for your teenager to get used to your new method. In this article, we are going to look at a simple 4-step method for getting your teen to cooperate fairly quickly. And as an added bonus, this method will also save you a lot of time and energy spent nagging – no more repeating your requests over and over again.

Step #1: At a time when you and your teenager are on good terms, the household is fairly quiet, and your teenager is calm, have a short conversation with her about how you are “tired of nagging.” For example, "There are many times where I have to ask you three or more times to do something, like chores and homework. I get tired of nagging, and you get tired of hearing me nag. So from this point forward, I'm going to do us both a favor and only ask one time; however, if you choose to ignore me, you will choose a consequence."

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Step #2: Talk to your teen about rewards and consequences. Tell him you will be sure that “following through with requests” results in privileges, and “ignoring requests” results in consequences. Also let him know that the consequence will always fit the "crime." For example, if your teenager violates curfew one evening, then an appropriate consequence would be grounding him for the next evening – instead of withholding computer privileges. In this case, the computer had nothing to do with the rule violation. Pulling any old consequence out of your hat at the spur of the moment will likely make a bad problem worse. So, talk with your teenager about some specific examples of what he has to gain by following through on your first requests, and also talk about the specific consequences for lack of cooperation.

Step #3: While it's true that you are not going to nag anymore, you ARE going to allow more time for your teenager to follow through with your request than you may have in times past. In other words, you're not going to ask twice, but your teenager doesn't have to jump immediately to the task at hand (e.g., homework, chores, etc.). So in this way, your teen does NOT have the option of ignoring you, but he can choose (within a reasonable amount of time) when to honor your request. For example, instead of saying, "You haven't fed the dog yet. That's your job, and you need to do it right now!" ...you could say, "I noticed you haven't fed the dog yet. I'll give you 15 minutes to get it done." Then you can also add a rewards-consequence statement like, "If you feed the dog within the next 15 minutes, you can get on the computer for an hour. If you don't, then you can’t."

Note that in step #3, you are giving your teenager some choices, specifically whether or not to feed the dog - and when! This gives an element of control to your teenager, which will make it more likely that she will respond to your request rather than engage you in another power struggle. If she doesn't want to feed the dog within the 15-minute time frame – fine! You feed the dog, and she loses computer privileges.

Step #4: Here you're going to employ the "countdown." In other words, you will be giving one or two reminders as the time counts down. For example, at the 10-minute mark, you could say, "You have 10 minutes" ... and at the 5-minute mark, you could say, "Only five minutes left." So in all reality, this is similar to making three requests rather than one, but it certainly doesn't fall into the "nagging" category because you are not repeatedly saying, "Feed the dog ...you need to feed the dog ...have you fed the dog yet ...how many times do I have to tell you to feed that dog."

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When you first begin using this 4-step method, bear in mind that your teenager will have to practice his new response a few times. If you have been resorting to nagging and pleading and threatening for many years now, your teenager is not going to now magically jump whenever you say “snap to.” He's going to test the system. So it's important that you be consistent with both the “rewards for cooperation” and the “consequences for noncooperation.” Know that your teenager is going to fail the first few times – and that’s o.k. Only through consistent practice will he fully understand that things have changed and he can no longer ignore your requests or put you in the position of having to repeat yourself multiple times. So, when he tests the limits and resorts to the usual "request-ignoring behavior," you simply follow through with what you have already told him you would do in steps 1 and 2.

Of course, there will be situations where a countdown is not possible. For example, if your teenager is having a tantrum and punching holes in the wall, you wouldn’t want to say, “You need to quit punching holes in the wall. You’ve got 15 minutes to stop it!” In situations like this, you obviously need to step-in and issue an immediate consequence (which in this case may include calling the cops).

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Pick Your Parenting Battles: The Prioritizing Principle

As a parent, you have probably often heard the phrase "pick your battles carefully." Of course, this means that some battles should be fought, and some should be left alone. In other words, the really important matters need to be addressed (e.g., drug use), whereas some smaller issues can simply be ignored (e.g., sibling rivalry). However, there is one crucial component to "picking battles carefully," and that is prioritizing.

While it is important to pick your battles carefully, it's even more important to pick them one at a time. Too often, parents attempt to address multiple behavioral issues at once. For example:

Your teenage son comes home and tells you that he has been suspended from school for two days because he cussed-out his teacher (problem #1). So you wisely state that he will be "grounded" for those two days as well. Upon hearing this, your son becomes belligerent and calls you a "bitch" (problem #2). Your reaction to that is to add another consequence, specifically no television or computer privileges for these two days. This angers your son even more, so he stomps-off to his bedroom and slams his bedroom door so hard that the clock hanging on the wall crashes to the floor and breaks (problem #3). The next day, you discover that your son left the house while you were at work when he was supposed to be grounded (problem #4). So, when you get home, you tell him that he is now grounded for the rest of the week. He gets even angrier… and on it goes!

So, in this scenario, the first problem (a two-day suspension from school) resulted in four additional problems. Now let's replay this scenario and employ the "prioritizing principle":

Your son tells you that he has been suspended from school for two days. Since you don't want him to be running all over town during that time, you state that he will be grounded during the suspension. This angers him and he calls you a bad name. Being aware of the prioritizing principle, you calmly state, "Using that language is not acceptable. I understand that you're upset about being suspended and grounded for two days, but you surely don't expect a two-day vacation with a free pass to do whatever you want. I could ground you for a week - since you called me a name like that - but I'm willing to overlook it for now since we have this other issue to deal with."

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

In this way, the problems are less likely to pile-up. Now, here are the exact steps involved in the "prioritizing principle":

Let's assume that your teenage daughter has five behavioral issues that you want to address:

1. spending too much time texting her girlfriends instead of doing homework,
2. not cleaning her room,
3. chronically coming home about 30 minutes after curfew,
4. dating a much older boy that you do not approve of,
5. and constantly arguing with you about why she should be able to get her lip pierced.

Rather than fighting all these battles at once, you are going to pick the most urgent issue, and then break that issue down into even smaller sub-steps.

So, step one is to identify the current “most problematic” issue. The big question to ask yourself in order to identify this issue is, "Of the five problems I am currently having with my daughter, which one puts her safety at risk the most?" Some parents might say that curfew violation is a big safety issue. Others might believe that dating an older boy who may not be a good influence is the larger issue. But the point here is this: of the two top issues to address, your job is to only address one! So, let's say that you view curfew violation and dating an older boy as equally problematic. In keeping with the prioritizing principle, you choose to deal with the dating issue.

In step two, you have an agenda: to get your daughter to stop seeing her boyfriend. But you're going to break this down into small, manageable sub-steps. For example:

• Sub-step one might be to have a heart-to-heart talk with your daughter regarding your concerns about her older boyfriend. After you've spoken, you allow your daughter to speak her mind. Then let it rest. Don't fall into an argument. Both of you have said your piece – that's enough for now.
• Sub-step two might be to make contact with the parents of your daughter's boyfriend. Get to know them. See what they're like.
• Sub-step three might be to invite this boyfriend over to the house so you can get to know him.
• Sub-step four could include your evaluation of the boyfriend and his parents (now that you have met them) to see if this boy is, indeed, a bad influence. If not, you might consider allowing your daughter to see him – but only on certain occasions, in certain places, and at certain times. If the boyfriend or his parents do seem to be a poor influence, then you can create another sub-step. Perhaps this new sub-step would include a new house rule (e.g., "No boyfriends 18 years of age or older") and a consequence for violating the rule (e.g., "If you choose to see this young man, you also choose the consequence, which is grounding with no privileges – the duration yet to be determined").

So in the example above, you picked just ONE battle, but you also picked just ONE intervention at a time while dealing with it.

In summary, take time to understand the complexities of adolescence. This will help you empathize with your teenager when parent-child conflict arises. Remember that constant changes, pressure to conform, worries about the future, and personal insecurities produce an enormous amount of anxiety. The teenage years are some of the most trying years to manage, and the battles at home are usually a direct reflection of your teenager's emotional state. Thus, don’t forget to use the prioritizing principle when attempting to resolve behavioral issues.

Prioritize the issues that are the most important to address. Both mother and father should discuss which issues are non-negotiable, then communicate these expectations to their teenager. Keep in mind that these issues will differ for every family. Although teenagers will still push the boundaries, pre-emptive communication and use of the prioritizing principle will help defuse battles more quickly – and will also keep problems from piling up.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

No Emotional Pain = No Behavioral Change

This guy influences people to change :)

What can parents do when their defiant teenagers refuse to do chores, refuse to do their homework, refuse to get home by curfew, and even refuse to go to school?

The unfortunate truth is that you, as a parent, cannot MAKE your child do anything he or she doesn't want to do. If yelling, bribing, threatening, nagging and pleading changed unwanted behavior, then you wouldn't be having any parent-child conflict today.

When parents have made a habit of trying to "force" behavioral changes versus trying to "influence" change, they literally create defiant behavior in their teenagers. The defiant teen will fight against all attempts made to control him or her, whether it's by parents, teachers, or any other authority figures. Thus, one of the most important things we can do is decipher what we can control – as well as what we cannot.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

We get into trouble on multiple levels when we "struggle" to get our children to behave. In other words, we make a bad problem worse. We have to think in terms of "influencing" our teens rather than (a) trying to dominate them with an authoritarian parenting style, or (b) giving up and letting them have their way with a passive parenting style. In addition, we need to relegate ourselves to those situations where we DO have control, and operate within those parameters – only!

What CAN you control as a parent?  

• You can control your own thoughts, words, behaviors, and attitude.
• While it's true that you cannot control your child's behavior, you do have control over his or her privileges (e.g., digital devices, allowance, car, etc.).
• You do have control over your own expectations.
• You have the ability to let your teenager know what those expectations are.
• You also have control around the consequences that can be issued when your expectations are not met (i.e., the withdrawal of privileges).

A defiant teenager will never work for what his parents want, but he will work for what he wants – and he wants certain treasured privileges. Parents can use this strong desire for privileges to their advantage. And this is where influencing comes in.

For example, you may not be able to get your teenage son to stop slamming his bedroom door when he's angry; however, if you state that one of your expectations is "no door-slamming," and the consequence for door-slamming is the removal of the door, then your son may be influenced to avoid door-slamming in the future (assuming he values the privilege of privacy).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Think of it like this: the last time you got a speeding ticket, you had to give some of your hard earned money away, which in turn, probably made you think twice before speeding on that same stretch of highway ever again. That's the power of influence. You paid the price for breaking a rule – and that price was significantly painful. I once ran through a railroad crossing while the gates were coming down. That incident cost me $115.00.

Was the cop being an asshole? No. I knew the law and the potential consequences for violating the law. But I chose to violate the law, which meant I also chose the associated consequence. The same principle holds true when it comes to parenting defiant teenagers. Poor choices must have a painful price tag. It is human nature to want to avoid pain, and most people are willing to change their behavior if it keeps them out of the "pain zone."

If you are parenting a defiant teenager, you need to understand that the only thing he or she will understand is the emotional PAIN associated with poor choices. Nagging, pleading, threatening, bargaining, yelling and bribing are NOT painful to your teen. In fact, these attempts to change unwanted behavior create an excitement in the defiant teenager that influences him or her to engage you in a “war-of-wills.”

Conversely, not having a bedroom door, not having access to the computer, not having any minutes on the cell phone, not having access to the family car, and confiscation of all digital devices is VERY painful. So painful in fact, that unless your teenager is a masochist, he or she may be influenced to meet your expectations in the future. So, emotional pain equals behavior change. Never forget this. And never feel guilty for being influential.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

BEST COMMENT: Great article. It makes sense to inspire children to focus on putting out effort for what's important for them vs. because we say so! I would like to add a plus one to the article. When your child asks for a privilege, you can always validate by agreeing first "I would love for you to be that, do that or have that...what do you need to do to make that show up for yourself?" This way, you are empowering your child or teenager vs. devaluing by saying something like "You didn't do this, so you don't get that." Kids respond much better to positive statements of what they can do, and what does work vs. what they can't have because of what they didn't do.

High Self-Esteem: A Cure for Bad Teen Behavior

The development of a positive self-esteem is extremely important to the happiness and success of adolescents. Self-esteem is how young people feel about themselves – and their behavior clearly reflects those feelings! For example, a teenager with high self-esteem will be able to tolerate frustration, take pride in her accomplishments, attempt new tasks and challenges, handle positive and negative emotions, assume responsibility, and act independently – all the traits that parents want their teens to have!!!

15 steps you can take to help your teen develop high self-esteem (and as a happy bi-product, improve his or her behavior as well):

1.  Help your adolescent learn from her mistakes. Give her constructive criticism when she attempts to resolve a particular problem, because she is taking responsibility and learning from it. When dealing with mistakes, assist your adolescent in identifying the problem, and then brainstorm solutions together. Allowing her to brainstorm with you will build her confidence and push her to become more involved in making positive changes in her life.

2.  Encourage your teenager to ask for what he wants assertively, pointing out that there is no guarantee that he will get it. Reinforce him for asking, and avoid anticipating his desires.

3. Show your adolescent that it is perfectly acceptable to make mistakes, and it is sometimes best to laugh at the mistakes. At times, it's better to find humor than to focus on the negativity that surrounds slip-ups and blunders. This will prevent your adolescent from dwelling on his mistakes and allow him to move forward and achieve success in where he made an error.

4. Encourage your teenager to behave toward herself the way she would like her friends to behave toward her.

5. Encourage your teenager to develop hobbies and interests which give him gratification and which he can pursue independently.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Have your adolescent set realistic goals, while encouraging him and praising him for achieving these goals. Assist your adolescent in reaching goals which he can fulfill. Reaching his goals will foster a sense of accomplishment. Your adolescent also learns that nothing is impossible – if he just tries.

7. Consider positive self-talk. Have your adolescent verbally say good things about herself. Point out your adolescent's strengths (e.g., sports that she is good at, subjects she has a strong knowledge of, etc.). Reinforce them when she encounters negativity and assist her in taking pride in her own accomplishments. The ability to identify positive things about herself is an important part of building high self-esteem.

8. Help your teenager develop tease tolerance by pointing out that some teasing can’t hurt. Help him learn to cope with teasing by ignoring it while using positive self-talk (e.g., “names can never hurt me,” “teasing has no power over me,” “if I can resist this joker, then I’m building emotional muscles,” etc.).

9. Help your teenager think in terms of alternative options and possibilities rather than depending on one option for fulfillment. A teen who has only one friend and loses that friend is friendless. However, a teen who has many friends and loses one, still has many. This same principle holds true in many different areas. Whenever you think there is only one thing which can please you, you limit your potential for being content! The more you help your teenager realize that there are many options in every circumstance, the more you increase her potential for fulfillment.

10. Laugh with your teenager and encourage him to laugh at himself. Adolescents who take themselves too seriously are undoubtedly decreasing their enjoyment in life. A good sense of humor and the ability to make light of life are important ingredients for increasing a teenager’s overall quality of life.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. Always be generous with praise. Look for occasions when your adolescent has displayed a new talent, accomplished a new task, acted unselfishly, or has demonstrated positive character traits. Praising your adolescent for a job well done fosters her independence and encourages her to think positively, because she knows she is doing a good job.

12. Let your teenager know she creates - and is responsible for - any feelings she experiences. Similarly, she is not responsible for other people’s feelings. Avoid blaming your teenager for how she feels.

13. When possible, let your teenager settle his own disputes between siblings and/or peers.

14. Allow your adolescent to make decisions on his own. Praise good decisions, but also allow him to take ownership of his own mistakes so he can learn from it. Don't always solve your teen’s problems for him, otherwise he will always depend on you when something goes awry. Try some “decision-making skill” exercises (e.g., making a list and weighing the consequences of each outcome). Letting your adolescent make his own choices promotes self-esteem because it empowers him and increases his confidence level.

15. Teach your teenager to change her “demands” to “preferences.” Point out to her that there is no reason she MUST get everything she wants, and that she need not feel angry either. Encourage her to work against anger by setting a good example and by reinforcing her when she displays “appropriate irritation” rather than anger.

Adolescence is a turbulent time. Teenagers go through many changes during this time of their life. Factors such as hormones, moods and peer pressure can often influence a teenager's decisions. As a result, they may make bad choices, resulting in undesirable behavior and constant negativity. Having a positive self-esteem means you have pride in yourself and in what you do. Teenagers that have high self-esteem are filled with confidence and determination – and can make the right choices in life and become well-adjusted grown-ups.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Reducing Stress In Your Single-Parent Family

If you're raising a son or daughter on your own, you're in good company. Single-parent families are more common than ever. Child-rearing can be difficult under any circumstances, but without a spouse/partner, the stakes are even higher.

As a single mother or father, you probably have sole responsibility for most aspects of day-to-day child-care. This can result in added stress and fatigue. If you're too tired or distracted to be emotionally supportive or consistently discipline your youngster, behavioral problems can arise.

Single-parent families also generally have lower incomes and less access to health care. Juggling work and child-care can be financially difficult and socially isolating. You might worry about the lack of a male or female parental role model for your youngster, too.

How to reduce stress in your single-parent family:

1. Contradict negative stereotypes about the opposite sex. Share an example of a member of the opposite sex who doesn't fit the stereotype. Include in your life members of the opposite sex who aren't romantic partners. Seek out positive relationships with responsible members of the opposite sex who might serve as role models for your son or daughter. Show your youngster that it's possible to have long-term, positive relationships with members of the opposite sex. Look for opportunities to be positive. Point out accomplishments or positive characteristics of members of the opposite sex in your family, the community, or even the media. Avoid making broad, negative statements about the opposite sex.

2. Take advantage of local resources. Many communities offer play groups, after-school activities, and parenting classes. These can give you and your youngster a chance to have fun, learn, and make new friends.

3. Don't blame yourself or spoil your youngster to try to make up for being a single mother or father. Feeling guilty about the divorce only makes a challenging situation even more challenging.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. If you need regular child-care, look for a qualified care-giver who can provide stimulation in a safe environment. Don't rely on an older son or daughter as your only baby-sitter. Be careful about asking a new friend or partner to watch your youngster.

5. Explain house rules and expectations to your youngster (e.g., speaking respectfully), and enforce them. Work with other adults in your youngster's life to provide consistent discipline. Consider re-evaluating certain limits (e.g., your youngster's screen time) when he/she shows the ability to accept more responsibility.

6. Don’t forget to play and have fun. Take a break from your busy routine to plan something special for you and your youngster (e.g., a trip to the zoo, going out for ice cream, etc.).

7. If you're dating, consider the impact your new romantic partner will have on your son or daughter. Look for a partner who will treat both you and your youngster with respect. Consider waiting until you've established a solid relationship with someone before introducing him/her to your youngster. When you're ready to make the introduction, explain to your son or daughter some of your new partner's positive qualities. Don't expect your new partner and your youngster to become close immediately, however. Give them time to get to know each other.

8. Invite a positive and responsible family member or friend to spend time with your youngster. Young people tend to do very well later in life when they have an involved, caring mentor during childhood. If you don't have a family member or friend available, groups like Big Brothers/Big Sisters can help.

9. Include physical activity in your daily routine. Eat a healthy diet, and get plenty of sleep. Arrange time to do activities you enjoy alone or with close friends. Just be sure to take care of yourself.

10. It's OK to be honest with your youngster if you're having a difficult time after a divorce, but remind him/her that things will get better. Try to keep your sense of humor when dealing with everyday challenges. Stay positive as much as possible.

11. If you don’t get to spend enough time with your son or daughter, look for creative solutions (e.g., find out if your job lets you work flexible hours).

12. Remember to praise your youngster. Give him/her your unconditional love and support. Set aside time each day to do something together, or simply sit with your youngster.

13. Structure (e.g., regularly scheduled meals and bedtimes) helps your youngster know what to expect. So, create a routine and stick with it.

14. Accept help. If friends and family offer their help, take it! This can mean having someone play with your youngster while you run errands or having someone to call when you need to talk.

15. Many single-parent families are the result of divorce or separation. If this is the case in your family, talk to your youngster about the changes you're facing. Listen to your youngster's feelings and try to answer his/her questions honestly — avoiding unnecessary details or negativity about the other parent. Remind your youngster that he/she did nothing to cause the divorce or separation, and that you'll always love him/her. A counselor might be able to help you and your son or daughter talk about problems, fears or concerns. Try to regularly communicate with your youngster's other parent about your youngster's care and well-being to help him/her adapt.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

16. Work out a carpool schedule with other parents. Join a support group for single moms and dads, or seek social services. Call on trusted loved ones, friends and neighbors for help. Faith communities can be helpful resources, too. Learn to lean on others.

17. If you're a single mom, you may have to deal with a male parent who isn't very involved in your youngster's life. No matter what you do, you can't force your youngster's dad to get onboard. However, how you explain the situation to your youngster is crucial. Although having a father-figure is valuable, it's not everything – you don't NEED an adult male to help raise your youngster. But, don't talk negatively about your youngster's dad (don't glorify him, either). Leave the door open for responsible contact between your youngster and his/her dad, but know that if you try to force a relationship between father and child, your child is bound to feel disappointed and rejected.

18. If you are a single father, be sure to communicate regularly with your kids. There are too many dads who do not talk enough about “feelings.” This doesn't imply that they are not involved or care less; in homes where the dad is playing both the parents, sometimes there is very little time for a sit-down conversation about the day’s events and how the children feel about those events. Try to keep a track of what's going on in school. Take interest in your youngster's studies and know how he or she is faring in tests. Showing interest in your kids’ education gives them the feeling that you are involved. Also, try to show your softer side. The gentler you are with your kids, the more capable they will be in dealing with the absence of their mom – and they will be more comfortable in sharing their matters with you. And lastly, get in touch with other single dads. Talk to them and share your experiences. Sharing your feelings with other fathers who are in the same position as you will make you a better parent, because you will probably get some crucial parenting tips from the other single dads who have been single longer than you.

19. Allow yourself to have some “alone-time.” You need to relax once in a while too! This can be as simple as taking 10 minutes to read some in a good book after your youngster goes to bed.

20. Lastly, never forget that being a single mother or father can be a rewarding experience. By showing your love and respect, talking honestly and staying positive, you can lessen the stress of single parenting and help your son or daughter thrive.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents