When Your Teenager Steals Money

Mark, I have just got to the bit about fair fighting and positive framing, really interesting and I can see how it would work a lot of the time but one of the biggest areas of conflict between my son and me is money, however much he gets he always wants more and will steal from me or his older brother and sister to get it. He has just stolen £370 from his brother's bank account by taking the card and pin no from the post. I can see how I can frame the action positively but how can I make a win win solution for him. He has had his allowance stopped until the money is paid, he is taking some out of his savings (controlled by absent father) but even so he will be weeks without money while he pays it back, I know he will take any opportunity he can to steal but I don't see how i can give him money even if he was willing to do chores, that seems disrespectful to his brother who worked two part time jobs to get the money. Help?! C.

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Hi C.,

There are many things that moms can do to address stealing after it has occurred:

• Apply consequences. Moms should decide what the specific consequences are for stealing, and apply them every time stealing occurs. Moms should inform their teens of these consequences before they are used. Consistency is very important.

• Confront quickly. Just as it's important for moms not to overreact, it is also important that moms don't under-react. When moms find out that their teenager is stealing, they should confront and deal with the stealing immediately. The longer stealing is allowed to continue uncorrected, the more difficult it is to correct later on.

• Remain calm. When moms discover that their teenager has stolen something it is very important that they don't overreact. Moms should keep in mind that all teens take things that don't belong to them at one time or another. Moms who become overly upset may instill feelings of guilt and shame in their teenager, which can affect self-esteem. Moms should try to remain calm instead, and should deal with stealing behaviors in as matter-of-fact a manner as possible.

Here are some more suggestions:

==> Correct the behavior. Correcting means making some kind of restitution. For example, if a teenager takes a candy bar from a store, correcting would involve requiring the teenager to return to the store and return the candy bar (if it isn't half-eaten), or if the candy bar can't be returned, paying for the candy bar. If the teenager has no money to pay for what he or she has taken, moms can loan the teenager the money and then subtract it from an allowance, or require that the teenager do chores around the house to earn the money to pay for it. It might also be a good idea for moms to require that the teenager apologize to the person from whom the item was stolen. Sometimes this is very difficult for teens, so moms may not want force the issue if their teenager is unable to make an apology. It is, however, very important that the teenager go along on the trip to make the return. It is very important that the teenager assume responsibility for correcting the misbehavior.

==> Apply natural consequences. After correcting the behavior, consequences should be applied. Having to do extra chores around the house to earn the money to pay for a stolen item is an example of a natural consequence. Another example is not allowing the teenager who stole the candy bar to have sweets for a certain period of time.

==> Additional Ideas:

• Don't interrogate teens or force them to self-incriminate. Moms should not force their teens to admit to stealing. Teens often lie to protect themselves. If moms aren't pretty sure that their teenager has stolen something, they probably should not apply consequences. Instead, they should let their teenager know that they are skeptical, and express hope that their teenager will be honest with them.

• Don't shame teens for stealing. Moms should try not to make their teens feel guilty for stealing. They should also try not to call their teen’s names, for example a thief or a liar. Such tactics can be very damaging to teen's self-esteem. Instead, moms should let their teens know that they are disappointed in their teen's behavior, but this does not mean that they are bad people. They should then apply consequences and treat the situation matter-of-factly.

• Help teens find ways of earning their own money. Moms should make sure that their teens have some sort of regular income. If teens have money of their own to spend as they wish, they will be more likely to buy what they want instead of stealing it. Teens can earn money by doing chores around the house, etc.

• Label the behavior. It is very important that moms call the behavior exactly what it is. For example, moms shouldn't call taking (without permission) what doesn't belong to one's self as "borrowing." Teens who are able to understand the concept of ownership should be told that they are "stealing" when they take something that does not belong to them.

• Provide adequate supervision. Moms should make sure that they know what their teens are up to. Teens who are not monitored closely by their moms tend to be more likely to steal and to engage in other problem behaviors.

• Seek professional help for persistent problems. If stealing becomes a chronic or significant problem, moms should contact a mental health professional for assistance.

• Understand why the behavior occurred. Different teens steal for different reasons. Because of this, it is important for moms to try to find out why their teens steal. Asking a teenager why he or she has stolen something will probably not give moms the answers they need. They may need to look at what's going on in the teenager's life, what personal problems the teenager may be having, etc. Once moms find out why, corrective measures can be taken to eliminate or minimize the behavior. For example, moms could set up an allowance/chore system for a teenager who stole because he has no spending money of his own.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Should You "Spy" on Your Sneaky Teenager?

“Should you secretly snoop on your teenage child? I am not talking about where you're open with them about your surveillance. I am talking about clandestine snooping: Reading their e-mail …checking their text messages …reading their diaries …eavesdropping on their conversations with friends …searching their room …searching their jeans -- all in secret.”

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Probably. The obvious argument for secret snooping is that you might discover something serious that you would not have known about otherwise. Maybe they are having sex with much older partners. Maybe they are selling drugs. Maybe they are thinking about suicide.

Secret snooping has a definite downside. It is dishonest. And if they find out - which they often do - kids feel betrayed.

I don't like snooping. I especially don't like secret snooping. That said, I am a believer in not being too trusting of your teenagers. Mom & dads regularly underestimate their kid's involvement in risky behavior. And teens do all they can do to keep those activities hidden from us. Fortunately, there are many things you can do before resorting to secrecy.

The first is to keep an ongoing relationship with your kids. They may at times push you away, but don't take it personally. Keep going back for more. The closer your relationship with them, the more likely they will share their world with you.

Second, when they go out, ask questions. The parent of a teenager needs to become an expert at asking very specific questions: Where are you going? Who are you going with? What will you be doing? The more specific details you demand, the less room they have for risky behavior.

Third, tell them what you consider serious risks and why - what you really think about sex, drugs, drinking.

Your last tool is open surveillance - in effect, snooping, but with their knowledge.

Snooping is a personal decision based on what you as a parent are comfortable with. Too little oversight risks giving too much wiggle room. Too much risks full rebellion. But you may want to be open about it. This is surveillance they may hate, but they know you are doing it.

Ultimately, snooping is one of those “do-the-ends-justify-the-means” deals.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

He just leaves early in the day and shows up after we're asleep...

T__ and I joined your website for our 16 year old quite a few months back. Let me say this after having gone through many different programs for difficult teenagers, your program is very solid. We have told our current counselors and connections about it so that other parents may use your very good resources, too.

== > Thank you for your kinds words.

Our son is to the point now where he no longer argues about items (this should be a good thing). He just says "ok" and then takes off. He said that he really doesn't need us as parents, he doesn't need to do the chores or contribute anymore, and he just leaves early in the day and shows up after we're asleep.

== > You can file runaway charges. Also, if he’s violating curfew – that’s another legal charge that will need to go to court.

We have gone through his room and removed his negative influences - computer, clothing, accessories, electronic gadgets, etc. We left positive things, like a bed, desk, guitar (as an outlet), and normal school clothing.

== > Did you include, “If you choose to be home by the designated time for a period of 3 days – then you get all your stuff back” …?

We have filed unruly and missing charges, and we're in a juvenile court diversion program. Both sides basically tell us that because he's not doing anything violent or really bad, the court is not going to do anything to him. Here's someone that knows how to ride the system (and seems to have lost respect for the system).

== > That’s true, but here’s the upshot: You are protecting yourself from some potential liability issues. For example, if something bad happened to your son – or if your son committed a harmful act to others or their property, you will have solid evidence that you tried your best to get him “off the streets.”

Part of the problem is that his friends and their parents just give food, shelter, money, etc, because he is very charming to them. He misleads them about his situation to his benefit. We asked them why they do it, and they just say that they like doing it.

== > Two points here: (1) Of course he misleads …that’s what all kids do. Don’t worry about it. (2) Nothing is as comfortable as “home.” So don’t be fooled into thinking that he is escaping uncomfortable emotions associated with his poor choices. I can see that he is doing a class “A” job of convincing you that your disciplinary techniques are having no effect.

Any advice where to go from here would be helpful. We are sticking with the program basics, and we are hoping it will kick in again.

== > I think you’ll need to kick it up a notch.

You could lock him out of the house – but he may just pound on the door and wake everybody up. Even if the cops showed up, all they would do is give him a short, meaningless lecture and tell you to let him in.

A better idea would be to ground him FROM his room. Find a way to keep the door locked (and only you have a key). Bottom line, he is – as you say – playing the system. He has a right to live in your house – but he does not have a right to have a private bedroom. A private bedroom is a privilege – a privilege that’s EARNED by following house rules.

One of questions is this - does the "no free handouts" cover school expenses and such?

== > No. Basic needs are not fair game for confiscation.

We wanted him to earn his tool money for his new vocation school, but he hasn't done (even though he says it means something to him). He says "not to worry about it" whenever we bring it up, and he's definitely not close to being ready in four days. He lost most all of his books at school last year, and we're making him earn that money (which he won't, we just shouldn't worry about it he says). Are we going too fan in cutting off money for things like that? It's likely to affect his current enrollment, as they won't release his records to the new school without being paid.

== > You are responsible for tool money, books, etc. But until he abides by house rules, he can sleep on the living room floor or on the family room coach. No guitar, no desk, no room (but clothes of course).

He no longer wants to contribute and just go when/where ever; do we just accept that and let him live here until he's 18? We don't think so, but we're not sure where to go with someone that just takes off, doesn't contribute, and stays within the confines of the "system." Thanks for any help Mark!

== > You are responsible for him until he turns 18. This does not mean that he has to live in your home until then, however. You may want to contract with one of these families that are willing to feed him and let him hangout in their homes. Maybe he could stay with an aunt or uncle …grandparent …family friend, etc.

But until then, withdraw all privileges (i.e., anything other than basic needs). And continue to complain to probation re: curfew violations, runaway, etc. The probation department is just like any other business. Complain long and loud enough – and they WILL take some action.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

P.S. Do not doubt yourself during these tough times. Stay the course, and remind yourself that you are allowing your son to experience some short-term, minor pain now in an effort to save him from a lot of long-term, major pain later. 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents