Son is Suspected of Dealing Drugs

Hello Mark,

When everything I've tried failed, I started digging deeper into your program (about 85% complete but still reiterating). I found the section on ODD & CD, which I believe is present to some degree, especially the CD; probably mild to moderate substance abuse (weed, booze & grandmas prescriptions). I even heard he has been "dealing", but cannot find any proof, like a stash or cash, so I question (but do not reject the possibility of) him dealing. There are a lot of kids here on weekends, which seems normal.

He is popular at school, could do better and has issues with only one teacher that I know of. I met her, and well, I don't care for her either to be honest. We are always on alert, especially when anything is confiscated (old bottle of whiskey) from his room or the smell of smoke under a heavy blanket of cologne. He in no uncertain terms asked for the bottle(s) back. I looked him in the eye and said "And I want my son back". I was positive it would lead to another episode of a wall getting kicked clear through, so I called his cousin (who has semi-recovered from the same issues) and asked if he would come up for a surprise visit (distraction).

It didn't work out, my son took off ...probably suspecting I was behind it. He came home later and went to bed, no damage done. He will not speak to me, let alone listen to anything I have to say. Chores, ha.

I also suspect (but have no proof) that the neighbor (who is about 38 years old) is somehow involved with more than a friendly ear. There is good reason to believe there's "something up", but I don't want to go there or insinuate anything without reasonable/absolute proof. I wouldn't want someone doing that to me. I need an approach.

Hanging in there…

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Prepare for your son to be angry if he suspects you have searched his room. As paranoia is a common side effect of many drugs popular among teens, your son may already be worrying that you are spying on him or will find out about his problem. It's likely that he may notice that someone has entered his room and moved his belongings, so be ready to deal with a possible confrontation about the search.

Wait until you know that he will be out of the house for an extended period of time. The best time to do so is probably when he will be at school, though if your son happens to skip school, a behavior that tends to accompany drug abuse, be aware of the possibility that he may unsuspectingly come home expecting you to be at work. If possible, wait to perform the search until you are certain he will be away from his room several uninterrupted hours, such as a work shift or a weekend vacation.

Think about hiding places built into the structure of your house. Your son is likely to be familiar with any special spots in his room where there are special compartments or openings, such as crawl spaces, attic doors, loose flooring or drop ceiling panels. These are places in your son's room where drugs or drug paraphernalia might be hidden because he may think no one else in the household knows about them.

Check everywhere in the room where drugs could be hidden, such as under the bed or mattress, behind bookcases and inside desk drawers. Look inside the battery compartments of any electronics in your son's room, such as the TV, remote controls and portable CD players. Also check any pieces of furniture with hollow areas that could provide a hiding place for small stashes of drugs.

Wait to confront your son about your suspicions if you do not find any evidence. Though it may be necessary to bring up the issue regardless of whether or not you find drugs in your son's room, breaking his trust can also be dangerous and can cause him to isolate himself even further from you. Discussing potential drug abuse is a topic that must be handled very delicately.

Next… the “conversation”:

The major reason you have to have a conversation with your youngster about drugs and alcohol is because your kids need to be educated by you. They need to hear from their moms and dads that teen drug and alcohol use is not condoned in your family. They need to learn from their moms and dads about the consequences of drug and alcohol use. Most importantly, they need to be held accountable for their actions with drugs and alcohol use.

What happens if you suspect that your teen is already using alcohol and drugs? What do you say to them? The conversation is the same: moms and dads need to tell their kids that drug and alcohol use by teens is not allowed in your family.

The issue won't go away until you do something. You will get to the point where you can't deny that the problem exists. You'll have a continuous nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach. You will simply have to acknowledge that your youngster has a problem — your youngster is using drugs and that won't get any better until you take action on your youngster's behalf. It is OK to ask for help. In fact, getting help may make it easier for you to have the conversation.

Sometimes the beginning of a conversation is harder than the middle — that dreaded conversation with your spouse or partner during which you acknowledge that you know your youngster has a problem with drugs or alcohol. That is a pretty profound conversation and is often laden with sadness, anger and regret. Denial plays a big part in that first conversation, as does finger-pointing. Neither reaction is helpful. The most important thing you can do is move on and figure out what you both can do to help your youngster.

This is a time for you and your spouse or partner to establish rules and consequences for your youngster if he or she uses drugs or alcohol. The rules should be simple: no drug or alcohol use by teens will be allowed in your family. The consequences should be straightforward and meaningful to the teen. Don’t go to extremes in setting consequences — choose those that you are able to carry out.

Practice the conversation with each other ahead of time. You may have to have a couple of “practice runs.” These conversations are not easy but they are worthwhile. Talking it over with your spouse/partner beforehand will help you keep a level head and speak to the issue.

Tell yourself that you won’t “lose it” with your youngster. Anger and hostility won’t get you anywhere in this conversation. Stay as calm as possible. Remember, you are the parent and you are in charge. Be kind, simple, and direct in your statements to your youngster. Above all, remember to tell your youngster that you love him or her! The conversation will not be perfect — no conversation ever is. Know that you are doing the right thing for your youngster. That’s what matters most!

Here are some suggested things to keep in mind when you talk to your youngster:

• It makes you FEEL worried and concerned about them when they do drugs.
• KNOW that you will have this discussion many, many times. Talking to your kid about drugs and alcohol is not a one-time event.
• Tell your son that you LOVE him, and you are worried that he might be using drugs or alcohol.
• You are there to LISTEN to them.
• You KNOW that drugs may seem like the thing to do, but doing drugs can have serious consequences.
• You tell him what you WILL do to help them.
• You WANT them to be a part of the solution.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

My Teenage Daughter is Following a Self-Proclaimed Anarchist

My daughter's circle of friends has a leader who is a self proclaimed anarchist, is very well read and loves being the center of attention. Since my daughter met him, she has lost all her humour and individuality - almost like she's been brainwashed into a cult of sorts. She hangs on this guy’s every word. Some of the other kid’s parents even think he's really cool, but all I see is that he turned my daughter against us.

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Adolescents are especially vulnerable to cult leaders because adolescence is a life transition, a time of many changes when suddenly the old rules don't work. The Journey from childhood to adulthood can be a bumpy ride as teens learn to get along with their families while gaining independence from them. At the same time adolescents try to avoid being pushed around by friends, they must work hard to fit in with the crowd. The major physical changes adolescents face certainly don't make life any easier.

According to psychologists who study cults, we are most vulnerable to the cult leader's message when we:

• are uncertain about our own beliefs and values

• aren't quite sure about how we should act

• feel like we need to find some answers about life, and we need to find them fast

• find ourselves in vague or confusing situations

• have our confidence shaken up by a crisis

It is no wonder that cult leaders often focus their efforts on adolescents. Cult leaders know that the teen years are a time of seeking direction, and they are more than willing to point the way -- right into a damaging cult. Some leaders make a special effort of contact potential teenage members during times of stress, such as final exam week or graduation, when they will be more vulnerable.

 

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Although an adolescent without a job may not be able to bring money into the cult, they do have talents and a great deal of energy. Since young people have an easy time building rapport and gaining the trust of other young people, adolescents make good leaders. Dangerous cults can also put them to work building the cult community or raising funds. Some damaging cults seek out young members because they hope these recruits will marry other cult members and will later give their kids to the cult.

Why would teens become involved with a cult? There are a number of reasons that some teens would find them appealing.

As teens transition from childhood into adulthood, they generally question many aspects of their lives. Sometimes, they wonder why they should listen to their parents and teachers. Why should they follow seemingly outdated and irrelevant rules and restrictions? After all, the world created by previous generations is far from ideal.

In addition all teens have aspects of their lives that are less than ideal. Perhaps their parents spend too much time at work and do not appear interested in their lives. Or, maybe, their parents want to be too intensely involved in their lives—trying to mico-manage small insignificant elements of daily living. That may become quite annoying. Possibly, the parents are not working and finances are very tight. Are there fights over money? Teens may find coping with these issues to be quite difficult.

Moreover, for many young people, the teen years are a time of intense uncertainly. While teens may criticize the world around them, they may be unclear where they belong and how they should prepare for the future. They appear to be quite certain what they don’t want, but they have difficulty defining what they would like. Often, new untried ideas are welcome.

Further, there are teens who have yet to connect with their peers. Somehow, they do not fit in with any of the groups at their school. They are not sufficiently athletic to be part of those groups; they are not smart enough to be accepted by the academic achievers; and they lack the social skills to be welcomed by the most social. Not surprisingly, these teens feel like outcasts—as if they don’t really belong. They are desperate to be part of something, and they lack the experience to comprehend what membership in a cult entails.

People of any age may experience personal crises. But teens tend to feel them more intensely. At the separation or divorce of parents, the break-up of an intense relationship, pressure over academic achievement and leaving for college may create internal turmoil. In fact, cult recruits are known to recruit on college campuses. Lonely students away from home for the first time may become involved with a cult without really realizing what is happening. That may be why people in their late teens and early 20s appear to be the most vulnerable.

 

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Still, many teens from seemingly functional, financially secure families are drawn to cults. On occasion, there is no obvious reason for the attraction. Or maybe the families are not as solid and the relationships as nurturing as they may outwardly appear to be. There has also been a decline in the influence of families and religious institutions in today’s world.

There are several different types of cults. Probably the best-known ones are premised on some form of radical religion. The beliefs go far beyond any mainstream thoughts or theories. Political cults also receive a good deal of media attention. But there are also self-help or educational cults that use marginal techniques and economic cults that promise get-rich-quick schemes.

All cults use mind control techniques to attract prospective recruits and to keep their present recruits. There may be systematic brainwashing or programming. Cult recruits are often isolated from their family and friends. Very little contact is permitted. Past relationships may be criticized or demonized. Only relationships with current cult recruits are allowed. Books and newspapers may be carefully censored. Sleep deprivation combined with sensory overload are not uncommon, as are drugs and physical abuse. Cults usually require the handing over of any monetary assets or property. The leader will decide where cult recruits work. All earnings go directly to the cult.

When prospective cult recruits enter the cult, recruiters appear to be intensely interested in their needs, wants and feelings. Little personal space is allowed. Teens who previously believed that their parents and teachers didn’t care what they thought or said now think that someone is truly interested; another person is really listening. These techniques may be combined with long periods of meditating and/or chanting. No deviation from the routine is permitted; there is no questioning of the leader and his philosophy. Outsiders who find serious shortcomings with the cult’s beliefs are ridiculed.

In time, cult recruits develop a psychological dependence on the group leader, and it is the leader who directs all aspects of their lives. Cult recruits often lose their ability to make their own decision. As a result, the leaders retain an enormous amount of power over their followers, and they may use them for their own self-centered purposes such as making money or obtaining sex.

No matter how difficult a teen feels his or her life has become, avoid joining a cult. Sometimes a cult may masquerade as just another campus organization when, in fact, it is a cult. If one has any doubt, check with the college administration. Cults are psychologically and spiritually harmful and should be avoided. Historically, a number of cults have ended with mass suicides.

What are some of the ways to protect teens, their family recruits and friends against cults? Teens should learn more about them and how they recruit new recruits. Recruitment may be very subtle. In addition to schools, cult recruiters may be found in malls, stores, on the street, at work and over the Internet. They are everywhere.

If a teen has concerns about any group, then he or she should not ignore instinct. A teen could speak to a trusted adult, member of the clergy, teacher or school counselor if there are concerns.

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