When Your Teenager Won't Get Up For School

Mark,

I have been following the programme as best I can for the last 5 weeks and have seen great success. My relationship with my son Thomas has improved immeasurably and that is such an incredible blessing. That improvement has also allowed us to make great progress with the problem areas which we are facing –

• Disrespect and anger

• Hanging out with the wrong group

• Drug abuse

• Failing academically

I feel that the progress is quite fragile and I’m probably worried that it will go backwards. I don’t feel as strong as I did at the start and I don’t know how to get this confidence back. I feel him backing off my authority and not respecting me again. I think he is trying to assert his independence more, maybe because we have made so much progress. I’m just a bit confused. I think I need to focus on finding more things to praise and I have maybe dropped the ball in this area. He has only got until June to finish school and then he is planning to join the army, but that might take until Jan next year. This new focus is good because for the first time ever he is interested in doing something constructive and he is excited and happy about it.

He is going to school but it is such a struggle to get him up and out in the morning. We have not given him a key of the house because of trust issues and therefore he needs to be out before we leave for work. He continually gets up late and it seems he is getting later and later. Going to school creates structure for him and I am worried that he will drop out and we will be left with a 16 year old with no structure in his day. How do I get him up in the morning when I don’t think he cares whether he’s attending school or not? I’m thinking I should be taking away something that he wants until he sorts out the mornings, but I don’t know what. And maybe I’m scared of going through an angry confrontation.

The improvements are fantastic and I just want them to continue.

L.

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Hi L.,

Stop taking responsibility for getting your son out of bed on time. If you repeatedly bang on your son’s door to get him up, or you drag him out of bed, you are working harder to wake up your son than he is. You are substituting your extra energy and effort for your son’s.

If you think about it, why should your son get up on his own when you are willing to do it for him? If he knows he doesn’t really have to get up until mom threatens to bring the ice water, why should he get up at the first ring of the alarm? Ten more minutes is ten more minutes, right?

In order to get your son to adhere to the morning routine, you need to give him the responsibility for getting up – as well as a consequence for not getting up (re: consequences - refer to session #3 in the online version of the eBook under the section entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid”).

Sit down with your son and have a discussion about getting up in the morning. You might say for example, “You and I have a hard time in the morning. I am no longer going to be responsible for getting you up on time. I will give you one wake up call, and then it’s up to you. If you miss the bus, I will not drive you to school. 

You will need to either find another way to get there, or you will need to call your teachers to get your assignments.” (You’ll need to customize the consequences and expectations to your own family situation. If you do have to drive them to school because they overslept, maybe the consequence is that they have to do an hour of chores to make up for the time you lost.)

The important thing to realize is that as long as you take responsibility for getting your son out of bed, he will let you do it. It may take a few days for him to get the hint, but once you stop working so hard, he will realize he has to change his behavior, or face certain consequences.

A natural consequence for oversleeping and being late to school is making up any schoolwork that was missed. You might also check with your school to see what the policy is for repeated tardiness or missed classes. Don’t protect your son from these consequences by making sure he makes that bus on time. In order to create less dramatic mornings, you have to let your son experience the consequences of not getting himself up and out the door.

Remember, teenagers are fighting against a physiological drive that tells them to sleep later than many school start times. In order to change their behavior, they need a plan, not just wishful thinking. If your son has a hard time getting up, have him come up with a list of things he will do to help himself get out of bed on time. 

Changing to an earlier bedtime may help. Putting the alarm clock across the room, instead of next to the bed, may also help. Have your son pack his school lunch, pick out their clothes and organize his backpack the night before so that he doesn’t have to do it in the morning. Remember to put the responsibility for getting up in the morning on him.

Footnote: Be sure to have the school document the efforts you have made - and will be making - to change your child's behavior. Each state has their own truancy law. You might find you're on the hook just as much as your son is.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When Your Teen Admits to Smoking Pot and Has No Intention of Quitting

Question

What steps should a parent take when her adolescent admits to smoking pot and openly states he will continue to do so because he sees nothing wrong with it?

Answer

On the positive side, despite the challenging nature of an adolescent saying he's going to do what he wants and you can't stop him, is the fact that he was open about what he is doing. That shows a level of trust and honesty that is important to recognize and communicate. "I don't like what you are saying but I am glad you are being honest with me." Despite the alleged defiance, it does provide an opportunity for discussion. (I say "alleged" because often when adolescents are openly defiant about substance use or sexual activity, they are really asking for some limits to be imposed.)

The first stage of responding by the parent involves trying to understand what your adolescent is actually experiencing and to try to engage him in a helpful dialogue. Hold back on your admonitions and threats. Instead, approach your youngster as the expert and ask for a greater understanding. For example, what is it like when you get high? Is it easy to get pot? How much does it cost these days? What different types of pot are out there now? I understand that the current weed is much stronger than what was around in my day. Is that true? Why do you like to get high... essentially, what are the benefits to you?

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This last question opens up some important areas to explore. For some adolescents, it is purely a social activity, not unlike having a few beers with their friends when they are hanging out on a weekend night. (I'm not suggesting that's acceptable either; but it identifies it as the less risky recreational use.) It's also interesting who he is smoking with. Is it his usual friends (you may be surprised to learn that some of your adolescent's friends that you like and thought were positive influences use as much or more)? For him to answer that question you have to pledge confidentiality.

Sometimes it turns out that the kids he gets high with are not his regular buddies and it's important to know if he's beginning to be influenced by some other adolescents that may be more of a fringe group who don't appear to share the values you and your adolescent have discussed as important. If there is such a shift taking place that in itself becomes an important topic for exploration. Why is he distancing himself from his usual social group? Are they "not cool", perhaps because they don't get high? Or, has his old group moved beyond him in some way?

How much of the pot use is based on filling some personal need? One of the most frequent driving forces behind abuse of pot is when it is a form of self-medication. This is when adolescents who have undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder use pot to calm their jitters or the depressed youngster uses pot to shut off negative thoughts and feelings. This group of users is more likely to smoke alone as well as with peers and that's an important distinction to make. If there is an underlying problem driving the use of pot, it is important to identify that and encourage getting help for that problem.

One good question to pose is "How would you know when it's not a good thing to do?" This is easily asked when your adolescent is quick to point out he is not a druggie like so and so who's always high. This part of the discussion will touch on how often he actually uses pot and under what circumstances. Most important it clarifies his ability to acknowledge that there are risks of abuse and can he tell the difference? For example is he aware that chronic users, defined as those who smoke daily for a month or more, typically will become depressed if they stop using?

Also is he aware of the ways in which pot negatively impacts users? For example, because it tends to create a sense of apathy (the "What, me worry?" syndrome), the negative effects of pot are often subtle and easy to miss. Research has shown that adolescents who use pot on some degree of a regular basis usually get their driver's license significantly later than non-users. This reflects the tendency to put things off and not care as much about things that are usually important. The adolescent that remains focused on his schoolwork, after school activities, and other interests, is clearly at less risk than the adolescent that starts letting things slip.

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Please note that all of these points of discussion are not meant to be covered in a single conversation! Most adolescents would find that intolerable. Raise a few of the initial points, say you want to think about it, and would like to talk further. As always, part of the challenge is finding those occasional moments when your adolescent is actually in the mood to talk. Typically driving somewhere together is one of the best times, which also implies that often it is better to have only one parent involved in the conversation so it doesn't feel like a 2-on-1.

But once moms and dads have a better understanding of the reasons for use and the patterns of use, you should both express your displeasure in the following ways. First, it is illegal. Your adolescent needs to be reminded that he can be arrested and – yes – while not much happens to first time offenders, it’s still no fun to end up on probation and to have to do community service. In addition, employers now routinely drug test all applicants. Since traces of pot remain in the system for about a month and it is not as easy to hide as commonly thought, your adolescent may be very disappointed when he gets fired from his local, part-time job because of a positive drug screen. Moreover, as moms and dads, you do not want an illegal substance in your home nor do you want your adolescent or his friends smoking in your home. That needs to be a very clear, zero-tolerance rule.

It is important for you to express your disapproval of his use of pot in a calm, firm manner, without hysterics or unreasonable threats. You do not approve of this and will not condone it. You understand you cannot control his behavior, that if he chooses to smoke, you can't really stop him (more about exceptions to this later), but you will set some firm rules about this. For example, if you suspect he is breaking the rule by bringing pot into the house, he is to understand that his right to privacy in his room will be suspended, that periodic room searches will take place, and backpacks may also be searched.

Another issue is driving. If your adolescent has his license, the same rule about drinking and not driving apply to smoking pot and driving. The research is very clear that it delays reaction times and, therefore, increases the risk of accidents.

While there is potential for physiological addiction, and, of course, the major concern of moms and dads is that using pot will lead to using more serious drugs, the reality is that the vast majority of pot users do not go on to use heavy drugs. However, there is the significant potential for psychological addiction, based on the need to reduce stress and /or the need to fit in with peers. The key is looking for signs that use is turning into abuse; that your youngster's behavior or personality is changing in negative ways. If you begin to believe that your adolescent is developing a serious addiction, then you can take much stronger steps, including involving the police, requiring routine drug testing, and insisting upon individual and family counseling with a specialist in substance abuse.

Fortunately, most of the time, this is not the case. What you want to do in this situation is open up and maintain a line of communication that is based on accurate information about the risks involved and encourage your adolescent to make good decisions. In the end, it is that psychological capacity to be self-aware and make good decisions that is really much more important than whether or not your adolescent smokes pot for a period of his life.

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