St. Paul's Academy

Dear Mr. Hutten,

A few minutes ago I e-mailed you a link to St. Paul’s web page. I want to take a minute to provide you some more background information. St. Paul’s is a private, not for profit college-prep boarding and day high school for young men. The school has a 46 year history of working with young men as a therapeutic group home, residential treatment center and during the past 12 years as a boarding school offering counseling support. Our typical students include:

--Students who have gotten off the academic path due to poor choices, drug and alcohol experimentation, negative peer groups and desire to get back on track.

--Students who perform better in a small classroom setting.

--Students who require a structured academic and residential setting.

--Students who desire the benefits of private school education.

--Students who are scholarshiped as day students because of the benefits of a state academic tax credit for underprivileged children. Students receive the scholarship based on merit and a desire to be part of the school.

Through the years we have seen discouraged kids become encouraged and students who had no hope of entering into college because of past poor choices be accepted and be successful in a college of their choice. The school offers a strong character development component based on developing personal responsibility, honor and integrity. St. Paul’s has a 100% college acceptance. We also offer auxiliary counseling services for those students who need additional emotional support for the challenges they face.

I have worked for the school for over twenty years in various positions including therapist, Director of Residential Life, Dean of Counseling, Dean of Students. Recently we have established the position of Parent Liaison to assist parents with the challenges of having their son in a boarding school and I have moved into this role. In addition to being a mentor for the parents, I will also be conducting parenting workshops through the year.

I am also working on a school based web site (see my link below) that will offer assistance to our parents, and am pleased to be offering a link to your web site and book.

Your book and web site is an excellent source of guidance and support for all parents, just not those of troubled teens.

Best regards,

Jim Graves, MC

Parent Liaison

St. Paul's Preparatory Academy

Educating Young Men Since 1961

RE: "I’ve had a huge row with my son this Morning..."

Hi T.,

I’ve responded to your email “point-by-point” below.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Please look for these arrows:

I’ve had a huge row with my son this Morning over nothing really. Anyway although I don’t have any concerns over his behaviour outside of home, he's become increasingly idle. Once he reached 16 he was told he had to stand on his own two feet and get a job and that pocket money would finish when he finished school.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>It sounds as though he is somewhat resistant to “standing on his own two feet.” Is there an adult male (who you know very well) that could be a mentor to your son – someone who would volunteer to have a one-on-one relationship with him and help him to appreciate who he is while developing the skills he needs to succeed in the work place?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A mentoring relationship will help your son develop work ethics and responsibility, improve self-esteem and attitudes towards school, improve relationships with peers and family members and increase communication skills. This is crucial, especially at an age where children are developing relationships with those outside of their family.

He's done nothing about getting a job, doesn't appear that bothered about not having money, and if you try to talk to him, we get told to shut up. He won’t do jobs around the house and gets verbally abusive to his younger sister, who we are waiting for a diagnosis for ADHD.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>You’ve listed 2 problems here: (1) lack of motivation to (a) seek employment and (b) help with household chores, and (2) disrespect (i.e., telling you to “shut up,” and verbal abuse toward sibling).

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Regarding “lack of motivation” – I believe a relationship with a mentor (preferably a non-family member) would be of great benefit here.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Regarding “disrespect” - You cannot control your son, but you can control the things he enjoys such as telephones, television, toys, games, freedom for activities, junk food, toiletries, favorite cloths, bedroom doors, bedroom furniture, etc. While he may not be willing to work for the things you want, he will usually work for the things he wants. By controlling the things he wants, you can motivate him to change unwanted behaviors. The strategy for this is discussed in the section of the ebook entitled, “What To Do When You Want Something From Your Kid.”

As soon as our back is turned, he has friends in and we end up with the mess to clear up. His room is disgusting, and he tends to leave most of the pots he uses in there till we run out and have to collect them out.

I've tried reasoning with him, and when he wants something, we can get him to conform (that usually only lasts till he's got what he wants). I've told him in the past “no mates will be allowed in” until be behaves, and that if his attitude doesn't change he'd have to find somewhere else to live. None of what I say to him seems to make a difference, and it’s starting to get me down.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Please refer to the chapter of the ebook entitled “Anger Management” for solutions to this one.

I know this is probably a mild problem compared to most, but what can you suggest we do other than pack his bags for him. ~ T.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Please let me know how things continue to go.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Is He Bi-Polar?

Hi D.,

I've responded throughout your email where you see these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Thank you, we appreciate the support. We are having a problem with our son accepting punishment -- whether it’s time-out or grounding. He has difficulty accepting any responsibility for his actions. He is relentless in the pursuit of what he wants, which is usually just to play.

He is very young for his age. We have been trying to work with him to go out and come home on time. Once he gets out he just refuses to come home. He'll be punished and then just do the same thing again. Currently we are having trouble keeping him in his room or the house when he is punished.

What are some strategies to help with this?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Two sections of the ebook will help you with this problem: "The Art of Saying Yes & No" ...and "Anger Management"

He continually comes out of the room trying to insight us and has escalated in this behavior. We ignore, walk away and keep redirecting him back to his room, but when he is in one of his moments it is very difficult.

He does have ADD and it is possible that he has bipolar, although the meds have not helped him, and we are currently weaning him off.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Please see the two sections of the ebook: "Dealing with Teenage ADHD" ...and "Dealing with a Bi-Polar Teen"

He is 13 and the current Dr. we have been seeing since January has been unable to place him in a specific diagnosis. He has symptoms from several disorders and no clear distinction towards one. It is possible that it may still be emerging.

He has been difficult from day one. The most disconcerting thing though recently is that we have seen a major escalation in his anger and frustration levels over the last few months. Things seem to be getting worse daily. The more doctors, therapy and medications we try the worse things seem to get.

Any help or suggestions you can give would be appreciated.

>>>>>>>>>>>I'm going to send an attachment that will be quite helpful, please read the whole thing. It sounds like he may have some bi-polar tendencies. Does anyone else in the family have bi-polar disorder?

>>>>>>>>>>You have access to the Online Parent Support CHAT-ROOM now. If you think it would be helpful, you and I can set-up a day and time that is convenient for both of us and talk more -- in real time -- about your son. He sounds like a handful, but no more so than any of the other kids I work with. We may want to consider having me chat with your son too at some point. You can look over his shoulder during the chat if you and I decide this could be helpful.

In any event, I'm going to direct you to My Out-Of-Control Teen E-book because the answers to your current child-difficulties will all be addressed there.


Here's to a better home environment,
Mark

My Toughest Challenge

 Question:

My toughest challenge currently is discipline and understanding the behavior of my children’s actions, as well as getting them to listen and understand what we have to say to them.

The problems I'm experiencing currently is getting my children to be obedient and to understand the consequences of their actions when they do something wrong -- or good -- but most of all the bad actions, which just don't only affect them, but ourselves as a parent and others.

Speaking to them with honesty and explaining some actions that they have taken has had no results. We feel lost and we have had enough of their consequences, which have resulted from wrong actions taken by them.

Please could you advise?

Helen

Answer:

Hi Helen,

The strategies in “My Out-Of-Control Teen eBook” are paradoxical in nature (i.e., actions that a parent would NOT typically take).

In working with intense, strong-willed pre-teens & teens, I find the following:

1. Most of what you think WILL work effectively DOES NOT WORK AT ALL.

2. Most of what you think WILL NOT work – and is an outrageous idea of sorts – DOES WORK.

Think of this eBook as a set of paradoxical strategies.

For example, one typical parenting strategy is to attempt to “reason” with the child in the form of a well-stated lecture chock full of wisdom. As you may have found, these well-intended monologues do not "go in one ear and out the other" – they don’t even go in one ear. It's about as close to a total waste of time as you can get. Thus, I won’t be recommending “lectures” or “reasoning” as a viable strategy.

Children learn best when parents allow them to make mistakes -- and when parents allow children to receive emotionally painful consequences associated with their poor choices. But this must be done in a way that does not accidentally reward negative behavior. In my eBook, the strategies needed to accomplish this task are described in a very concrete and exhaustive manner.

Here's to a better home environment,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Your Formula For Success

Points to Remember:

1. Ask your child ______________to demonstrate ________________.

2. Each evening before bedtime, say to your child, _______________. Expect nothing in return.

3. ____________at least one evening each week.

4. Use _______________whenever your answer is “yes.”

5. Use _________________________whenever your answer is “no.”

6. Catch your child ___________________________________at least once each day.

7. Use ______________________when you want something from your kid.

8. Give your child at least ________________each day.

9. Find something ________to do with your teen each week.

10. Use the ____________________________ approach when something unexpected pops-up.

11. Visualize ____________________, and play that visualization often.

12. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, always ask yourself the following question: "_________________________?"

13. If things get worse before they get better, you are ______________.

14. Learn to say, and stick with, ________.

15. Give your child five or more different __________that he/she does every week.

16. __________ rather than nag.

17. Differentiate between your child’s ________and his/her ________.

18. Keep an eye out for your child’s _________________.

19. Remember that parenting is not a popularity contest – you are not a ___________.

20. Respond to your child’s strong emotions with ______________.

21. Give only one _____________, then follow through with _____________.

22. Expect children to ____________ parental changes.

23. When taking away privileges, be sure to __________.

Get the answers to these statements at MyOutOfControlTeen.com

If You Keep Doing What You've Always Done, You'll Keep Getting What You've Always Got

Dear Parents,

If you have a strong-willed, out-of-control teenager, I have to ask:

How much longer are you going to allow yourself to be tricked, bullied, lied to and stolen from?

How many more temper tantrums and arguments are you willing to endure?

Haven't you already wasted enough time and energy trying to make your children change?

If you're discouraged, exhausted and simply out of answers on what to do or how to help, then please check out my ebook at: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com

Imagine today you put into motion a few small actions that in just a few weeks resulted in receiving the respect and obedience you always wanted, but thought was impossible.

Mark Hutten, M.A.