Does Your Child or Teenager Have a “Sense of Entitlement”?

Walk through any high school hallway or shopping mall lobby and you’ll see them: teenagers with iPhones or Droids in hand, sitting at tables with laptops, or maybe even the new iPad. 

Today’s teens are drowning in the digital age, and some say the teenagers have an “I deserve it – and you owe me” attitude. As more and more digital “toys” enter the scene, moms and dads increase complaints about a “sense of entitlement” some teenagers seem to have, a belief that they deserve - or should simply have - the latest and greatest offerings available.

In the post-modern period, teenagers have typically begun to display a sense of entitlement that their moms and dads can't understand. Teenagers born in the 1990s, for example, were born into a world of personal computers, cable television, compact disc players and other technological advances. Many parents have showered their kids with these wonderful toys and gifts. As a result, today's teenagers now feel entitled to all these devices and other privileges as a matter of course and not because of hard work or sacrifice. The adolescent may seem spoiled in comparison to older generations.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Signs and symptoms of entitlement include:

• Expecting a certain standard of living without work or effort
• Feeling entitled to move back home with parents because being an adult is “too hard”
• Feeling justified in supporting their lifestyle on credit, and expecting parents to “help” pay their bills
• Kids and teens who “must have” the latest fads and fashions
• Older teens entering the workforce feel entitled to start at the top
• Older teens who feel they should be given handouts until they find jobs that “suit” them
• Teens feel entitled to a new car when they turn 16
• Older teens who just don’t like their jobs feel entitled to quit and collect unemployment

When children have a sense of entitlement, they don’t see the world in real terms. When money and material goods have been handed to them their whole lives, they won’t have the idea that they should work to achieve their goals. Their view of the world will be, “If I want it, someone will give it to me.”

How to reduce your child’s sense of entitlement:

1. As much as we hate to admit it, spoiling is mostly about the moms and dads. We often try to compensate for what we didn't have as kids, to assure ourselves that our kids love us, or to make up for any parental guilt we feel. One mother states, "I came from a huge family and grew up wearing hand-me-downs, so I'm always buying my daughters the most stylish, matching outfits to wear to school. I know that's more about my issues than theirs!" Giving your children whatever new gadget they want as soon as they want it is also a way to show off how successful you are, both financially and as a supermom. Try to figure out where your need to spoil is coming from. Ask yourself a series of questions:

• Are you feeling guilty for not spending enough time with your children?
• Are you getting more of a kick out of this gift than your youngster is?
• Are you tired, overstressed, and trying to find a quick-fix solution?

Once you figure out what's driving your tendency to spoil your children, you'll be better able to kick the habit.

2. The first few times you stick to a new rule and say “no,” it will be painful — for you, your youngster, and everyone else within hearing distance. There will be tantrums at first, so fasten your seat belt and react to them in a very calm and neutral way. If you hold to that line every day, your youngster will learn that this is not the way to get something that he wants, and he will eventually stop. In fact, experts compare this part of the de-spoiling process to sleep-training your baby: a week or so of stress and tears, and then one blissful night your baby sleeps till morning — or your kid finally understands the word “no.”

3. Moms and dads have this illusion that if they give their kids a “reason why” they can't do what they want, the youngster will stop wanting it, but that has never happened in the history of parenting! Instead of trying to “reason” your youngster into obeying you, simply say, "No, and that's the end of the discussion." If she comes back at you with, "Why?" remind her, "In our house – that is the rule." (Note: A survey by the Center for a New American Dream found that children will ask for something an average of nine times before the moms and dads cave. So stay strong and repeat your simple "no" on the ninth, tenth, and eleventh entreaty. Eventually, your youngster will realize that her attempts are futile, and she'll move on.)

4. By now, your youngster should be behaving so wonderfully that you will be tempted to smother him with tons of treats. Luckily, there are plenty of things you can bestow in abundance without running the risk of spoiling (e.g., snuggling on the couch, reading books, saying "I love you", popping a bowl of popcorn, watching the football game, etc.). And don't forget those weekly rewards for good behavior — if your youngster has followed all the rules you set, go ahead and share an ice cream sundae or do each other's nails. Because when you strip the parent-child relationship down to its core, it's pretty simple: Most children would forgo another stuffed animal in favor of time with you. And that's something money can't buy.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

5. When all their other tactics fail, kids will inevitably resort to the one sentence that has been used to guilt moms and dads since that first annoying caveman next door gave his son a shiny new rock: "But all my friends have one!" Unfortunately, there is no magical response that will definitively shoot this argument down, but there are a couple of strategies that can be successful. You can say to your youngster, “That's interesting. Let's talk about it.” 

There may be a good reason for your youngster wanting what the other children have. It might be a great new game everyone is playing at recess or a new book they're all talking about. Tell your youngster that you will look into it, and see if it's something you want him to have. If the book/toy/game seems worthwhile, you can add it to his birthday list, or together you can come up with a strategy for how he can "earn" it, whether that means helping him calculate how much allowance he'll need to buy it (e.g., perhaps he needs to save half the price, and you'll kick in the rest) or suggesting it as a reward for a good report card.

6. There is a slippery slope in parenting, where the initial "If you behave, I'll buy you a treat" turns into "Here, take this treat, and hopefully you'll behave." To wean your youngster off this demand-reward pattern, you'll have to set the new rules in stone. Observe your youngster for a few days to notice when she is really being demanding and refusing to take no for an answer — whether it's with staying up past her bedtime, asking for new toys, or wanting candy. Let's say you recognize a pattern: Your daughter refuses to sit still at the dinner table unless she is promised her favorite dessert. 

The next step is to come up with a rule and a realistic consequence (e.g., taking away TV or computer privileges) for her behavior, keeping in mind your youngster's age and tolerance level. And make sure your spouse is on board with the new plan (children are experts at playing one parent off the other). Then, sit down and explain the rules to your youngster: "In our house, we get ice cream on Friday night if we have behaved at dinner all week. If there is whining for candy during dinner, you will lose the ice cream privilege." Ask your youngster to repeat it back to you to make sure she understands — or better yet, make a chart together that she can decorate with stickers each time she follows the rules.

7. While our instant-gratification culture has made life easier in many ways, it has also diluted the joy of looking forward to special experiences. Just think about the buildup of excitement you get when you plan a vacation a month away — there's the thrill of planning it, packing for it, talking to your friends about it. 

When you finally get there, the joy is magnified. But if there is no wait …no period of dreaming about it …the thrill is often less intense. When children are accustomed to getting things right away, nothing excites them anymore. The bar has been raised so high that by the time they're teens, they might start looking toward other things (e.g., alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.) for thrills. Teaching your kids to wait for fun helps them sustain focus and attention (two very important skills for success in school).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Are Your Raising A Spoiled Child?

Nobody wants to raise a spoiled youngster. But striking a balance between love and over-indulgence can be hard. There are no scientific facts about spoiled kids …no hard facts detailing the subject. However, there are plenty of moms and dads who worry about over-indulging their children, and plenty of professionals who have opinions on the matter.

My definition of a spoiled youngster is one with a sense of entitlement (e.g., "I deserve whatever I want – and I shouldn’t have to work for it”) who has a parent that is over-protective and all-giving (e.g., “Telling my child ‘no’ may damage our relationship”).

What does "over-protective" have to do with spoiled?

Well… over-protective moms and dads don't want their youngster to fail; therefore, they do everything in their power to make sure this doesn't happen. But at a certain point, these moms and dads are no longer doing their youngster a favor. The youngster becomes accustomed to having things done for him/her, and assumes that everyone will work for his/her success – and that's just not true!

How To Stop Spoiling Your Children—

1. "No" is not a bad word: In other words, you're not hurting your child by saying “no.” In many cases, you may be helping him. Your youngster does not have to love you every minute of every day. He'll get over the disappointment of having been told "no" – but he won't get over the effects of being spoiled.

2. Avoid comparisons: Setting limits and saying "no" becomes even harder when moms and dads of your youngster's friends are saying “yes.” Stand firm by your decisions. Your son may complain that all of his friends have an X Box and nobody will want to come over unless he gets one, too. I suggest telling your youngster to enjoy playing the video game at friends' homes and finding something unique to do at his own home. Your son has qualities and possessions that attract his friends, and they will still want to come over. He should be proud of these things, not embarrassed or upset by what he doesn't have.

3. Avoid materialism: If your parent-child relationship is based on material goods, your youngster won't have the chance to experience unconditional love.

4. Be a good role model: We're not the only influence in our children' lives, so we better be the best influence.

5. Don't let your guilt get in the way of your parenting: Your job as a parent is not to make yourself feel good by giving the youngster everything that makes you feel good when you give it. Your job as a parent is to prepare your youngster to succeed in school and in life. Children have to be socialized in a way that they understand “you work hard for what you get.” You don't want to teach your youngster that they will get everything through manipulation, pouting, crying, door slamming and guilt induction.

6. Make sure your youngster understands the value of hard work: One mother always told her daughters, “If you make Cs, you're going to have a C standard of living. If you make Bs, you're going to have a B standard of living. If you make As, you're going to have an A standard of living.” Help your youngster set goals. Teach her that striving to own nice things is fine if she understands how much hard work it takes to afford that, and then doesn't base her self-worth around what she buys.

7. Make sure your kids aren't defining their happiness and their status in the world as a function of what they wear or drive: Sit down with them and have a one-on-one conversation about what really defines their worth, their intelligence, their creativity, their caring, their giving, their work ethic, etc.

8. Money is not the problem: Money has nothing to do with spoiling a youngster. Even kids from low-income families can wind up spoiled. If you are on the phone with your husband, even if you're just talking about dinner plans, and your 7-year-old keeps wanting to talk to you, wants to interrupt and thinks that's OK ... he's spoiled. The youngster assumes you are going to drop everything and pay total attention to him. You have indulged this behavior in the past, and now the youngster expects it all the time. Kids are going to ask for things, and moms and dads are going to want to say “yes.” They simply enjoy giving things to - and doing things for - their children. It's like a high, an honor, a joy. But think about it this way: you don't need all the sugar you want ... so why does your youngster?

9. Prepare your youngster for reality: Your primary job as a parent is to prepare your youngster for how the world really works. In the real world, you don't always get what you want. You will be better able to deal with that as a grown-up if you've experienced it as a youngster.

10. Redefine what taking care of your kids really means: Are you providing for them emotionally and spiritually? You need not buy them material goods in order to create a bond. Instead of tangible gifts, how about spending some time together? Be careful that you aren't teaching them that emotions can be healed by a trip to the mall.

11. Set limits and stick by them: It's tiring and tedious and just not fun, but moms and dads must decide what they are willing to give their kids in terms of material goods and attention, and then stand by this decision. Once you take a stand, recognize that your youngster will try to manipulate you. He'll give lots of logical reasons why he needs to have something. But stick with your decision! So if you do buy your youngster a toy after telling him you wouldn't, you can be sure he will persistently badger you the next time you say "no." He now knows that if he's persistent, he can break down your resolve.

12. Stand firm: Of course, this single act is not going to magically change your youngster. You must consistently tell your youngster when you think she is acting spoiled. Explain why you think this and why it's important to compromise or share. Most importantly, begin setting limits and standing by them.

13. Teach charity: For instance, if you believe you've bought too many toys for your youngster, tell him so. Go on to explain that he does not play with all of them and is no longer putting them away or taking care of them. Allow him to choose a few favorite items, and then give the rest away to charity. This will teach him about giving to others while learning to value what he has.

14. Think of the future: Remember that this change won't be easy, but it is important. If you continue to spoil your kids, they will get to the point where they are not satisfied by anything!!! They will never feel gratified. When you decide to stop spoiling your youngster, it doesn't mean you can no longer buy her designer clothes or nice things – just cut back. Buy one pair of designer jeans, not twelve.

15. Understand "intrinsic" versus "extrinsic" motivation: Intrinsic motivation is when people do things because they feel proud of themselves when they do it. They feel a sense of accomplishment and achievement. Extrinsic motivation is when someone does something because of external motivation (e.g., they will receive money, a toy or privilege if they do the task). If you are always rewarding your youngster with material things, he will never learn how to motivate himself with internal rewards like pride. He also will never learn to value things, because there are so many things - and nothing is special.

==> Discipline for Troubled Teens

How To Be More Assertive: 12 Tips For Parents

There are various parenting styles, ranging from an authoritative type that values obedience and uses strict discipline – to permissive parenting that imposes few limitations and little or no correction.

Assertive parenting is a flexible style that is well suited to a rapidly changing world. It doesn't impose a concrete concept of right and wrong. Instead, it helps kids and teens learn to make choices. It takes certain skills to use assertive parenting effectively.

Are you a passive – or an assertive – parent?

Let’s find out…

A passive parent:

• Allows their kids to cross boundaries - “I’m tired of your constant whining. It gets on my nerves. I want you to stop it. OK?”
• Is prone to begging, pleading, bribing and whining - “If you kids would just do what I ask then I wouldn’t have to repeat myself.”
• Makes wishful and questioning rather than assertive statements - “I wish there were less yelling and arguing. Is that asking too much? What is the matter with you kids?
• Removes the blame from themselves and places it on the kids - “I have spoiled-rotten, entitled kids. They expect everything to be handed to them.”

Clearly, if one has already established a history of passive parenting, making the change to being an assertive parent won’t come overnight. Mistakes are prone to happen and, as parents, we tend to fall back onto what feels comfortable. But the cycle of passive parenting leads to abused and harassed parents - a cycle that should be broken as soon as possible. As moms and dads, we’ll never be perfect. The very best we can do is practice.

An assertive parent:

• Kids are given lots of practice in making choices and guided to see the consequences of those choices.
• Kids are part of deciding how to make amends when someone - or something - has been hurt.
• Kids learn to accept responsibility, make wiser choices, cope with change, and are better equipped to succeed in a work-force which relies on cooperative problem-solving.
• Clarifying issues, parents give reasons for limits.
• Parents establish basic guidelines for kids.
• Teaching children to take responsibility is a high priority.
• Misbehavior is handled with an appropriate consequence or by problem-solving with the youngster to find an acceptable way to get desires met.
• Out-of-control kids have "cool-off" time, not punishment.

Being assertive does not equate to being aggressive or threatening. Instead, assertive parenting incorporates the use of statements that do not place blame and are direct. Assertive statements are designed in such a way as to not leave room for questioning and will often use the word "I".

Some examples:

• "I want the arguing to stop now."
• "If you do not finish your homework in the allotted time, I will have no choice but to eliminate television time."
• "When you whine, it really bothers me. I would prefer you use your regular voice when you would like something."

These statements all clearly indicate what needs to be accomplished without resorting to aggressive or threatening behavior. Often kids like to push back and see what the limits really are and, in these cases, establishing clearly what the consequences will gives them the guidelines they require.

How To Be More Assertive In Your Parenting—

1. Be Honest with Kids— Don't lie to a youngster or promise what isn't in your power to deliver. Telling a youngster that the sun will be shining for a picnic is folly at best, and can destroy his faith in your integrity. Promising that another youngster will like him is another dangerous parent trap, causing more distress in the long run. Being honest about life's struggles teaches kids to share feelings and deal with reality rather than deny or avoid it.

2. Communicate Your Expectations Clearly— Assertive parenting involves being very clear in your expectations. A youngster cannot behavior properly if she does not know exactly what that entails. For example, you might say, "Clean your room" and then be upset when she makes her bed, does a cursory pick-up of the floor and considers the job done. To her, that may be "clean." Specify what you want by saying, "Change the linens, vacuum the floor, put your clothes away and take out the trash." Then she knows exactly what you want her to do and can perform accordingly.

3. Exercise Parental Leadership— Stand up courageously and be counted as a parent, not a buddy. Young people are in need of clear, positive leadership. They already have plenty of peers.

4. Foster Self-Esteem— Even your choice of rewards can help guide your kids into the comfort of assertiveness. When kids learn to feel proud of themselves, they have gained a life-long skill. Say, "Pat yourself on the back" to foster self-confidence. Do that more often than giving gifts and treats.

5. Offer Choices— Assertive parenting is focused on teaching kids to make choices and to take responsibility for the outcome. Discuss the situation with your son or daughter before any action is taken. The youngster can identify various options, and the parent can guide the youngster through a discussion of the probable outcomes of each choice. Then the youngster can select her preferred choice based on this analytical approach.

6. Have a Plan for Consequences— Think before speaking, and back up those words with firm, caring actions. Thinking through consequences can be done beforehand, when things are calm. Carrying out the consequences can be done in a matter of fact manner, expressing faith in the youngster's ability to come out ahead in the end. This allows the youngster to feel a sense of family as opposed to being at odds with moms and dads.

7. Impose Consequences Directly Related to the Misbehavior— Assertive parenting involves using discipline that is directly tied into what the youngster did wrong. For example, if the youngster breaks something, he would be required to fix it or to earn the money to do so. The parent might impose the consequence, or she might discuss the situation with the youngster and get his input on what an appropriate punishment would be.

8. Impose Cooling-Off Time in Response to Outbursts— An assertive parent directs her youngster to a cooling-off period when the youngster is throwing a tantrum or having an emotional outburst. This takes the place of punishment. Instead, the youngster is taught that expressing emotions is okay – but not in an inappropriate way. The cooling-off time provides times for reflection so he can calm down and decide on a more effective way to express himself.

9. It's OK to Say “No”— It is sometimes believed that saying no too often can squelch a youngster's self-esteem, creativity, or confidence, yet the opposite is more often the case. There isn't any need for apology or guilt when "no" is needed. One of the most common pitfalls moms and dads suffer is vagueness of language. Parents don't have to be mean, just clear.

10. Manage Parental Stress— Do what you can to reduce stress by dealing with temper. Deal with your own feelings on a regular basis so you can keep an even disposition with kids. Keep the number of issues to be corrected close to one (1). Trying to tackle multiple issues at once creates confusion and frustration. Develop a poor memory for the bad times – and a great memory for the good times.

11. Monitor Your Success— Keep a journal of successes and challenges, and jot down strategies and solutions. Forgive yourself when you mess up.

12. Use Humor— Remember to carry the emotional first-aid kit of humor at all times. It will help the whole family through the rough spots of daily life. Moms and dads can model the skill of not taking things too seriously. Modeling humor is one of the most effective methods for parenting assertively.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The Art of Negotiating with Teens

As a mother of father of an adolescent, you have the challenge of setting limits on your adolescent’s behaviors to ensure his/her safety. At the same time, you have the challenge of permitting your adolescent freedom to explore his/her ideas and experiences. Sometimes it is hard for a parent to know how much to “hold on” and how much to “let go.” Make clear to your adolescent this message: “With freedom comes responsibility.” As you and your adolescent negotiate new privileges, you also need to negotiate new responsibilities.

Your adolescent still needs your help learning how to determine which rules and decisions are the best ones for him/her and for others. Often, there is more than one way to cook a meal, clean a room, or organize one’s day. But moms and dads and adolescents may not see eye-to-eye on how these - and other day-to-day activities - should be done. Disagreement results. As bad as it can feel, some disagreement between a parent and teen is good, because working out disagreements provides valuable learning opportunities for adolescents and can actually strengthen parent-teen relationships. One way for moms and dads and adolescents to work out their differences is through collaborative problem solving.

The negotiation process will be most effective when both parent and adolescent take time to think through what they will say. When possible, plan ahead to meet at a place and time that is convenient for everyone. A quiet, neutral spot where there are few distractions or interruptions is best for open discussion.

Recognize the changes an adolescent is experiencing with social, emotional, intellectual and physical development. These changes may appear as an adolescent strives for independence, experiences hormonal changes and develops thought processes. Understanding the general characteristics of development for each age helps moms and dads effectively negotiate with their adolescent.

Common areas for negotiation with adolescents are:

• Chores
• Clothing
• Convenience
• Grades
• Money
• Recreation
• Social manners
• Transportation

Topics included in negotiation are chosen based on the youngster's skill level and maturity level. The frequency of negotiation increases as a youngster grows older. During late adolescence, almost all rules may be negotiated, with the parent maintaining a few rules that won't be negotiated. The adolescent is trying to break the walls to independence and may push against some of these rules.

What does negotiating involve?

1. Start with patient and active listening. “What is my son saying?” “What point is my daughter making?”

2. Negotiating requires the ability to recognize the legitimacy of another point of view. “Maybe I was wrong on the facts.” “Maybe I didn't have the full picture.”

3. Parents need the insight to perceive how important this issue is to their youngster. Prioritize it. Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.

4. It's crucial to have the clarity to determine which issues you’re prepared to go to the mat for. There should be very few.

5. Most of all, parents need the courage and confidence to say, "I've changed my mind." Why? Either your adolescent made a persuasive argument and you respect his/her point of view, or your adolescent presented you with new information that significantly altered the situation, or you appreciate that this is much more important to your youngster than it is to you. Changing your mind does not a diminishment of your role as a mom or dad. It enhances rather than decreases your youngster's respect for you – and it paves the way for future open discussions.

Negotiating House-Rules—

1. Consider your adolescent's point of view. Listen to what your adolescent is saying about the rules. If she disagrees, let her know that you will listen and take seriously what she is saying. If you are willing to listen to her objections and consider what she is proposing, she will be more apt to negotiate. Negotiating up front is better than sneaking behind your back.

2. Be clear. Let your youngster know which rules are negotiable – and which are not. For example, negotiable rules may include curfew, allowance or chores. Non-negotiable rules include such things as driving without a seat belt, school attendance and drinking.

3. Explain the reasons behind the rules. When adolescents understand why the guidelines have been established in the first place, they will be more willing to negotiate new rules and take your concerns into consideration. When adolescents know what you are worried about, they are more likely to think about their actions. An open dialogue not only increases cooperation, it creates a teachable moment. Talking about the reasons behind the rules encourages cooperation by increasing understanding.

4. Encourage adolescents to present their point of view. Adolescents who can present a reasonable argument about why they think the rules should be changed are developing good judgment. Thinking about the rules goes along with deciding how to behave.

5. Talk about consequences. Adolescents often think, "That won't happen to me." Talking about the possible consequences in advance helps the adolescent plan in advance. Don't threaten. Give the information and state the facts, but don't threaten. That way your adolescent can think their behavior through and change directions before something happens.

6. Take past behavior into consideration. When negotiating rules with your adolescent, consider past behavior. If he is meeting his responsibilities and making good decisions, it is likely that he will be able to handle the change in the rule effectively. Give adolescents credit for the good choices they've been making.

7. Choose battles carefully. Give your adolescent more leeway as she shows maturity in judgment. Don't argue, fight or enforce rules that are outdated. Give your adolescent room to grow and expand. Let her have more “say.”

8. Respect their opinion. Adolescents are more likely to cooperate when given a voice in the matters that affect them.

Negotiating Curfew—

Setting a time for curfew on a school night is an example of how to negotiate something between parent and teen. Here are some guidelines:

1. Parent says what she wants to happen. Start by suggesting what you see as a reasonable curfew.

2. Adolescent shares his reaction without saying yes or no to the request or suggestion.

3. Ask your adolescent to suggest a curfew time.

4. Each person then says any problems with the other's suggestions. If he accepts your suggestion, you are done. If he suggests a later curfew than you did, then (a) repeat his suggestion to show you listened, (b) do not say "no” or “yes" to his suggestion, (c) express your concerns with his curfew suggestion (e.g., not sure that would work because he has a hard time getting up for school on time), and (d) ask what his thoughts are.

5. Both adolescent and parent think of solutions to the problems raised. If still no agreement, then brainstorm solutions. For example, maybe a compromise can work (e.g., earlier than his suggestion and later than yours; slightly later curfew on weekends, but keep earlier curfew on school nights; earlier curfew, but later bedtime; accept later curfew on the condition that it be changed to earlier time if he has difficulty getting up or is tired at school).

6. If agreement, negotiation is over. If no agreement, try to find a compromise. Encourage selection of an option both of you can live with.

7. If no compromise possible, then state differing positions as objectively and respectfully as possible and set a time to discuss the issue again in the near future. If you just cannot agree on the curfew, agree to keep the same curfew as before and set specific time for talking about it again (e.g., on the weekend, after supper the next night, etc.).

Summary—

1. Explain your position as calmly and simply as possible.

2. Listen, and be sure you understand the other person's point of view.

3. Don't make demands, lecture or bring up old grudges.

4. Suggest and discuss some options you can both live with.

5. If all else fails, take a break or agree to disagree.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Does your child have ADHD?

If you suspect that your youngster has ADHD, it might help to ask yourself some questions about his/her behavior. In fact, if you've talked with your doctor about your youngster's behavior, your doctor may have already asked you some of these questions:

1. Am I primarily angry with my youngster or am I primarily frustrated? It's normal for moms and dads to get irritated and even to get angry with their kids from time to time. Most moms and dads can sense when their kids misbehave on purpose. The hyperactivity of kids with ADHD is irritating, but moms and dads can sense that their youngster simply can't (as opposed to won't) sit still or quiet down. This is frustrating.

2. Can my youngster stick to activities, or is the house littered with a trail of unfinished games and projects? Kids with ADHD often lose interest in an activity in five minutes or less. They go from one activity to another. You may ask your youngster many times to clean up, but he/she will not even be able to focus long enough to do that!

3. Has disciplining my youngster worked? Moms and dads of ADHD kids usually have "tried everything" …from ignoring their youngster's misbehavior …to "time-outs" …to spanking – but nothing seems to work.

4. How long has my youngster been too active? Hyperactive ADHD kids have had problems with hyperactive, impulsive behavior since before age six. Mothers of ADHD kids sometimes even remember that their baby was hyperactive in the womb. Also, kids with ADHD are often described by their moms and dads as being fussy and difficult to quiet in infancy. Sustained restlessness, even when eating or at bedtime, is characteristic of these kids.

5. Is my youngster's restlessness and impulsivity a problem in several different settings? ADHD is less likely to be present if your youngster only shows behavioral problems at home, but not in other places (e.g., school, grocery store, etc.). ADHD problems often become worse in settings where there is more activity and noise.

6. My youngster can watch cartoons on television for a long time. Does this rule out ADHD? Kids with ADHD are often able to keep their attention on the fast-paced world of cartoons and video games. If your youngster's attention stays glued to the screen for programs such as cartoons, suspect ADHD. Often, such kids will keep their eyes on the screen, but will be constantly fidgeting their legs and arms.

7. When my youngster is misbehaving, is he off in a world of his own or is he looking over his shoulder to see if I'm watching him? Kids with ADHD can’t control at least some of their hyperactive, impulsive behavior. Suspect ADHD if your youngster appears "off in a world of his own" and does not respond to you when, for example, he is climbing on a table, jumping on the sofa or misbehaving in some other way. Kids who misbehave on purpose often will look over their shoulders to see how grown-ups react to their misbehavior. You can tell by the look on your youngster's face.

It might be hard for your doctor to tell if your youngster has ADHD, particularly if he is not hyperactive. For this reason, the doctor may want you and your youngster to see someone who has a great deal of experience working with ADD/ADHD (since there are many conditions that can look like ADD/ADHD). Many kids with ADHD aren't hyperactive, and those who are may not be hyperactive in the doctor's office. Information about your youngster's behavior needs to be collected from different people who know him/her, including your youngster's teachers or anyone else who is familiar with his/her behavior.

Kids with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, may have signs of hyperactive behavior, a lack of attention and difficulty concentrating.

Signs of hyperactive behavior:

• Always "on the go"

• Always playing too loudly

• Blurting out answers to questions in school

• Cutting in line or unable to wait for a turn in activities

• Fidgeting and restlessness, almost constantly

• Interrupting others

• Not sitting in the same seat for any length of time

• Running or climbing inappropriately

• Talking too much

Signs of a lack of attention:

• Appearing disorganized

• Appearing very distractible

• Being forgetful

• Being unable to plan ahead effectively

• Difficulty following instructions

• Frequently losing things needed for school or at home

• Not being able to focus attention on activities

• Not being able to pay attention to details

• Not seeming to listen to moms and dads or teachers

Most kids with ADHD show signs of both hyperactivity and attention problems. Some kids, though, may have only signs of inattention. They may have trouble concentrating and paying attention, but they may not show signs of hyperactivity. This kind of problem used to be called attention-deficit disorder (ADD). ADD is now thought of as a form of ADHD.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Top 20 Parenting Mistakes When Raising Teens

The truth is this: parenting adolescents is just plain tough! In this post, we will discuss the “top 20 parenting mistakes” that are commonly made by moms and dads today – and what they can do to correct these parenting mistakes.

Top 20 Parenting Mistakes When Raising Teens

1. Parents are not always approachable. Take an interest in what your youngster is up to and make this a two-way conversation by sharing bits of your own day with him. Also, never interrogate a youngster about where he has been and what he has been up to. By making this a normal part of everyday life, your youngster will then feel relaxed and confident about approaching you when he has a problem or needs advice.

2. Parents assume that educating is someone else's responsibility. All too often it is assumed that it is the role of the schools to not simply teach your adolescent reading and writing, but also all about the dangers of drugs, drinking, pre-marital sex and anything else you care to mention. This is not the case! The responsibility for educating your kids rests firmly at your door and, while the schools can certainly be extremely helpful to you in fulfilling this role, it is still up to you to sit down with your kids and talk to them about drugs, drinking, sex and everything else they will need to equip them for adult life.

3. Parents assume that good grades mean that all is well. Many moms and dads make the mistake of assuming that if an adolescent is doing well at school, then everything must be fine. A bright kid may however have little difficulty maintaining good grades, and knowing that this will keep you off his back gives him the opportunity to go out drinking, experiment with drugs, or anything else he chooses. Good grades are nothing more than an indication that the student is making satisfactory progress academically.

4. Parents cushion their kids from feeling certain emotions. Life is an emotional roller-coaster, and kids need to learn to handle emotions. For example, if your youngster has done something wrong and perhaps hurt somebody else in the process, then he should feel guilty. Experiencing emotions such as guilt and learning how to deal with them and to overcome them is a healthy part of growing up.

5. Parents don’t choose their battles wisely. Adolescents will always want to do things that you do not agree with, but you do more harm than good if life becomes a constant battleground. If Michael wants to grow his hair long, then it's not the end of the world – and it can always be cut short again later. However, if Sarah wants to get a tattoo, which she is going to have to live with for the rest of her life, then this is probably a battle worth fighting.

6. Parents don’t give adolescents some room to explore. Adolescents need to learn to stand on their own two feet, and that means allowing them an increasing degree of independence as time goes on. This does not mean that you should not keep an eye on them and steer them in the right direction, but do not be too quick to jump in.

7. Parents don’t have a set of rules and a system of discipline. Moms and dads need to first come to agreement themselves on the rules for their adolescents and the appropriate punishment for breaking these rules so that they are both reading from the same page. Thereafter, teens should clearly know and understand the rules so that there is no surprise when they find themselves being disciplined for infringing them.

8. Parents don’t have a system for staying informed. Adolescents need to have a degree of freedom, but you also need to have the peace of mind of knowing where they are and that they are safe. It is important to set up some sort of system for them to keep in touch with you and to get into the habit of, for example, calling when they are out for the evening to let you know that all is well.

9. Parents don’t invite their kid's friends to the house. Most moms and dads will have experienced their adolescents spending time with friends that you don't approve of, but almost as many parents make this judgment without ever having actually met these peers. There is also more than a little truth in the old saying that you should keep your friends close and your enemies even closer.

10. Parents don’t talk to their kids about risks. Nowadays adolescents are surrounded by temptation, and this very often brings with it considerable risk so, whether it's drugs, drinking and driving, premarital sex or anything else, your kids need to have their eyes opened for them before they venture out alone.

11. Parents don’t teach their kids how to deal risk. Having opened an adolescent’s eyes to the risks of the modern world, it is important that you also equip them to deal with those risks. For example, if the only way to get home from a party appears to be to climb into a car with a drunken friend, then they need to know not only that this is a risk which they are not to take, but that they can call you whatever the time to come and pick them up.

12. Parents don't follow through with consequences. The majority of moms and dads do not have any problem with laying down a set of rules for their adolescents and coming up with suitable consequences, but all too many have difficulty when it comes to enforcing the rules or handing out consequences. Your adolescent needs to be given boundaries and, perhaps more importantly, he needs to know that there will be disciplinary measures imposed if he breeches these boundaries. You are not doing your adolescent any favors if you end up teaching him that rules don't really matter and that it is okay to simply break them whenever he feels like it.

13. Parents don't keep up with modern teen behavior. It's only natural for you to look at your adolescent's development and compare it to your own days as an adolescent. But adolescents today are very different, and the changes from one generation to the next can be frightening. Take some time to educate yourself about modern adolescent life not simply by talking regularly with your adolescent kids, but also by looking at teen magazines, television and of course the internet. Some things will be seen as positive developments and others as negative but, whatever the changes, it is important to understand that this is the world in which your adolescents and their peers are growing up.

14. Parents expect only positive results. All too often we expect our kids to be well behaved and to achieve good grades in school and so do not praise good behavior or good results. At the same time we are all too quick to jump in and react to bad behavior or poor results. Kids do of course need to be disciplined for bad behavior and poor grades (assuming that their poor grades are the result of their own laziness), but they also need to be given praise for good results.

15. Parents forget that they are role models. Kids learn more by example than in any other fashion and your words and, more importantly, your actions will be extremely influential for your youngster's development.

16. Parents give in too quickly. Adolescents are very good when it comes to getting what they want and can be extremely creative when it comes to working out how to get you to say 'yes'. They will also rarely take 'no' for an answer first time out and will keep on you until they get their way. Let your adolescents play this game as it is part of the learning process, but hold your ground and be consistent. At the end of the day if the answer needs to be 'no' – then don't back down.

17. Parents ignore the need for family time. Because we all lead busy lives these days, it is often difficult to fit everything in and one of the first things to go is often family time. Setting aside some time every day for the family to eat together and to talk is essential to provide your kids with the opportunity to get advice, encouragement and feedback from you and for you to see whether everything is well or if there are problems looming on the horizon. Even if you cannot spare a great deal of time, 20 or 30 minutes sitting down to an evening meal as a family can be invaluable.

18. Parents ignore the obvious. When your adolescent suddenly starts doing such things as sleeping in, missing classes and missing curfew, you might be tempted to simply write it off as normal adolescent behavior. But could there be more to it than that? You don't want to over-react, but don't under-react either. If there is a problem now is the time to root it out. So, don't bury your head in the sand and wait for things to blow up in your face.

19. Parents lecture rather than discuss. If the adolescent is going to develop into a responsible grown-up who is capable of making decisions, then you need to teach him just how to go about making decisions. All too often it is easier to simply tell an adolescent what to do (and what not to do) rather than to take the time to sit down and discuss the options, pointing out the pros and cons, and showing them how to choose the right path. Not only does this not help your adolescent to develop the skills he needs, but it also often leads to unnecessary confrontation.

20. Parents set unreasonable goals. An important part of an adolescent's development is learning to set goals and then constructing a plan to achieve them. This means that you also need to set goals for your adolescent and teach and encourage him to meet them. However, if you set goals that are unrealistic, then you are simply setting your adolescent up to fail. Thus, be reasonable in your expectations.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How To Get Your Child To Stop Cursing

My 13-year-old is picking-up on some terrible language. He has started dropping the “F” bomb on a frequent basis. Do you have any suggestions on how I can stop this cussing before it gets any worse?

Is your child starting to use some shocking words? And have your attempts to get it stopped angered your child – and made a bad problem worse? Then we need to talk...

Cussing is almost a developmentally normal behavior for kids during middle childhood and early adolescence. For these children, swearing is often a sign of being worldly (i.e., wise and unafraid to be a little "bad"). Profanity is used to impress peers and can become a part of peer-relationships. Quite frequently, younger kids do not know the meanings of the words they are using, but they will say them anyway simply because they have heard others use them.

Fortunately, cursing seems to lose its attraction as kids become more mature. Until then, however, children often delight in shocking their moms and dads with the swear words they have learned away from home. (Note: moms and dads who swear in the home are teaching their kids to do the same and should not be surprised when their children copy their behavior.)

Clearly, there is a smaller group of "defiant" kids who swear. In addition to cursing, they have many other difficulties, personally and socially. These children may be more prone to swear and rage at other people (a completely different situation than using a few swears words during times of frustration). Profanity directed at another person should never be tolerated.

Because some cuss words are more problematic than others, it is necessary to sort language into 3 categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and inappropriate.

1. Acceptable language is what we read in a magazine or hear in a news broadcast. It is a formal or conventional level of speech that we hope our kids will eventually learn and use.
2. Unacceptable language is that which must be forbidden for legal reasons. Unacceptable language includes harassment, libel, threats, gender or racial discrimination, and obscenity.
3. Inappropriate language is the gray area between acceptable and unacceptable language. It is language that depends heavily on context, because different contexts pose different standards or restrictions on language and behavior. What constitutes appropriate speech on the playground may not be appropriate within the classroom.

Moms and dads should anticipate kid’s dirty language. Most normal kids will experiment with dirty words and dirty jokes in the course of growing up. They will also repeat powerful or offensive words that they hear grown-ups use. Kids may even make up unique words to use as insults. Kids enjoy using language in jokes, puns, and stories that grown-ups find "gross". Kids will freely make references to body products (e.g., poop), body processes (e.g., fart), and body parts (e.g., butthole). As kids mature, they become more aware of social and psychological aspects of human interaction, and their name calling will show their new awareness when you hear them using words such as weirdo, retard, fatty, jerk, and chicken.

School-age kids learn appropriateness when they are intellectually able to appreciate the impact of language on listeners and can empathize with them. Egocentric kids do not fully comprehend why words are offensive to listeners, but can be trained not to use offensive words. One might simply tell a 2- to 3-year-old not to use a word without much explanation. 5-year-olds, on the other hand, can be given an explanation for language restrictions. The 8-year-old is capable of empathy and is able to see that words can hurt others' feelings.

The first question to ask a youngster who has cussed is, "Why did you say that?" In other words, determine what caused the incident in the first place. Is the youngster seeking attention, bullying another youngster, or expressing anger? Was the youngster provoked by a peer or was the cursing more spontaneous? You also have to distinguish kids who have problems with language from kids who have emotional problems with anger or aggression (i.e., kids who use cursing as a general way to express anger).

Cursing is evoked by a small and predictable set of variables. Some kids are positively reinforced by siblings or moms and dads for cursing. Giving kids attention, such as laughing or asking them to repeat a dirty word, is enough to increase cursing behavior. One common source of cursing is exposure to inappropriate adult role models, either parental figures or grown-ups in the neighborhood. Popular culture in the form of television, movies, and music lyrics are also common sources of bad language. Kids who are allowed access to media without restrictions or supervision are likely to use bad language.

What a youngster hears at home or in the neighborhood may get repeated at school. In this case, cursing may reflect the youngster's home life. Similarly, teachers must address moms and dads' perceptions that bad speech at school reflects school life. Moms and dads who believe their kids are learning bad language from someone at school will usually complain. Both school and home speech contexts affect a youngster's vocabulary.

Many grown-ups have trouble with bad language from time to time. Unfortunately, some moms and dads have difficulty controlling their kid’s inappropriate language. Hearing racist, sexist, or offensive language may be a common experience for some kids.

Some kids may exhibit cursing as a symptom of underlying, severe psychological problems, such as child abuse or physiological disorders. Kids with psychological problems or uncontrollable anger outbursts may need special attention or counseling. Determining the cause of cursing is the first step in a comprehensive behavior modification process.

Here are some suggestions to help parents manage the problem of swearing:

1. Because young kids are little language vacuum cleaners ready to collect and repeat what they hear, parents and teachers should be careful to attend to their own language so that they are good role models. Don't be caught off guard. Don't overreact or laugh when kids cuss. What you do when a youngster sends out a "test" bad word may have a lasting impact on the youngster. When a youngster cusses intentionally or accidentally, be sure to act in the youngster's best interest. Work to establish a warm, positive relationship with him/her, so that he/she will seek you out for information and advice about words.

2. Control the physical environment and you control the behavior in it. Change factors which cause conflicts or disputes. Eliminate frustrating situations such as having too few toys to share. Remove frustrating furniture and barriers. Create areas that provide for smooth transitions between activities and eliminate confusion and arguments.

3. If you feel it is appropriate, establish a rule that "no swearing will take place in our home." Do not - under any circumstances - tolerate swearing that is aimed at someone in anger. If this occurs, a youngster may be sent immediately to his room for a timeout.

4. Minor swearing in frustration is almost a natural human behavior. Although perhaps inappropriate, it is commonplace in some families. If that is your own personal style, you will find it hard to teach your youngster something different.

5. On occasion, you may feel that your youngster is using profanity in an attempt to provoke a response from you. In these instances, ignoring him may be the most effective strategy.

6. Reinforce good language skills in the context of broader character building lessons which teach respect, reason, and responsibility. Kids should learn that calling a person a name is both hurtful and disrespectful. The particular word used is a secondary issue; the act of verbally abusing another person is the main problem. Kids must learn to take responsibility for the language they use. What you say can get you in trouble at home or at school. Kids need to learn that there is a cost to breaking language rules. On a practical level, kids need to learn to use reason or good judgment regarding when and where to use offensive language, knowing that some name calling or insults may lead to physical retaliation against the speaker. Using bad language might make other listeners perceive cursing as a sign that the speaker is uneducated or out of control. Teaching good language skills and building character when kids are young help prevent problems from developing later on.

7. Reward your youngster for expressing his frustration appropriately without swearing. Star charts and money are helpful approaches. For example, use a jar of quarters that he can earn at the end of two weeks. For each day that he doesn't swear during this time, two additional quarters will be placed in the jar; but each time he swears, quarters will be removed. Your youngster will catch on quickly.

8. Some kids play well alone but have difficulty suppressing name calling and bad language when playing with particular peers. When two kids consistently get into trouble together, separate them as much as possible during free play periods.

9. When your child swears, do not overreact with your own outbursts of rage and cursing. Also, washing a youngster's mouth out with soap is clearly improper, extreme and ineffective.

10. Your goal is to eliminate unacceptable language while at the same time increasing the use of acceptable language. Give rewards in the form of positive comments for kid’s good speech. Comments such as, "I like the way you say that" and "You used a good word today" are effective reinforcers. Remember that while praise works, over-praise does not.

Cussing has been around since the beginning of language, and there is no reason to believe that it will disappear on its own. What moms and dads can do is to understand the nature of cussing and how the total language environment influences kid’s use of cuss words -- and our reactions to it.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Taming Toddler Tantrums

Sometimes it's tough to reel in a toddler in the middle of a tantrum, but it can be done. And setting rules and limits now — when your youngster is learning what behaviors are acceptable — will help prevent bigger tantrums down the road. Here are some ways to help you keep your child from having a meltdown:

1. By now, you've figured out that your toddler wants to explore and investigate the world. Toddlers are naturally curious, so it's wise to eliminate temptations whenever possible. That means items like TVs, phones, and video equipment should be kept out of reach, as well as choking hazards like jewelry, buttons, and small items that children can put in their mouths. And always keep cleaning supplies and medications stored safely away where children can't get to them.

2. If you need to take a harder line with your youngster, timeouts can be an effective form of discipline. A 2- or 3-year-old who has been hitting, biting, or throwing food, for example, should be told why the behavior is unacceptable and taken to a designated timeout area — a kitchen chair or bottom stair — for a minute or two to calm down. As a general rule, about 1 minute per year of age is a good guide for timeouts. Shorter timeouts can be effective, but longer ones have no added benefit and can sometimes undermine your efforts if your youngster gets up (and refuses to return) before you signal that the timeout has ended.

3. If your youngster throws a tantrum, keep your cool. Don't complicate the problem with your own frustration. Children can sense when moms and dads are becoming frazzled and this can just make their frustration worse. Try to understand where your youngster is coming from. For example, if your child has just had a great disappointment, you may need to provide comfort.

4. If your roving toddler does head toward an unacceptable or dangerous play object, calmly say "No" and either remove your youngster from the area or distract him or her with another activity. It's important to not spank, hit, or slap your youngster. At this age, children are unlikely to be able to make a connection between the behavior and physical punishment. The message you send when you spank is that it's OK to hit someone when you're angry. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) discourages spanking, which is no more effective than other forms of discipline, such as timeouts.

5. Ignoring tantrums is one way to handle them — if the tantrum poses no threat to your youngster or others. Continue your activities, paying no attention to your youngster but remaining within sight. Children who are in danger of hurting themselves or others during a tantrum should be taken to a quiet, safe place to calm down.

6. Some children will have a hard time stopping a tantrum. In these cases, it might help to say, "I'll help you settle down now." But whatever you do, do not reward your toddler by giving into desires. This will only prove that tantrums are an effective tactic for getting what he or she wants. Instead, verbally praise your youngster for regaining self-control. As their language skills improve and they mature, children become better at handling frustration and tantrums are less likely.

7. When it comes to discipline, it's important to be consistent. Moms and dads who don't stick to the rules and consequences they set up don't have children who do either. For example, if you tell your toddler that a timeout is the repercussion for bad behavior, be sure to enforce it. Only issue warnings for things that you can follow through on. Empty threats undermine your authority. And don't forget that children learn by watching adults, particularly their moms and dads. So make sure your own behavior is role-model material. When asking your youngster to pick up toys, you'll make a much stronger impression if you've put away your own belongings rather than leaving your stuff strewn around the room.

8. Even the best-behaved toddler can have a tantrum from time to time. Tantrums are common during toddlerhood because children can understand more than they can express and this often leads to frustration when they can't communicate their needs. Toddlers get frustrated in other ways, too, like when they can't dress a doll or keep up with an older sibling. Power struggles can ensue when your toddler wants more independence and autonomy too soon. The best way to deal with tantrums is to avoid them in the first place, whenever possible. Here are some strategies that may help:

• Consider the request carefully when your youngster wants something. Is it outrageous? Maybe it isn't. Choose your battles; accommodate when you can.
• Give your toddler control over little things. This may fulfill the need for independence and ward off tantrums. Offer minor choices that you can live with, such as "Would you like an apple or banana with lunch?"
• Know your youngster's limits. If you know your toddler is tired, it's not the best time to go grocery shopping or try to squeeze in one more errand.
• Make sure your youngster isn't acting up simply to get attention. Try to establish a habit of catching your youngster being good ("time-in"), which means rewarding your little one with attention for positive behavior.
• When children are playing or trying to master a new task, offer age-appropriate toys and games. Also, start with something simple before moving on to more challenging tasks.

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents

When Your Teenager Is Pregnant

If your adolescent is pregnant and planning to have the baby, many changes await your family. And though it's certainly not what most moms and dads expect, it happens every day – in fact, nearly 1 million teenage girls in the United States give birth every year.

If your adolescent is about to become a mother (or your son has fathered a child), it can be overwhelming for all of you. How can you support your youngster through the challenges that lie ahead?

If you have just learned that your adolescent is having a baby, you're probably experiencing a wide range of emotions, from shock and disappointment to grief and worry about the future.

Some moms and dads feel a sense of guilt, thinking that if only they'd done more to protect their youngster this wouldn't have happened. And although some parents are embarrassed by their adolescent's pregnancy and worried about how family, friends, and neighbors will react, others are happy about the news of a soon-to-be grandchild — especially if the adolescent is older and in a mature relationship.

Whatever feelings you're experiencing, this is likely to be a difficult time for your family. The important thing is that your adolescent needs you now more than ever. Being able to communicate with each other — especially when emotions are running high — is essential. Adolescents that carry a baby to term have special health concerns, and your adolescent will have a healthier pregnancy — emotionally and physically — if she knows she doesn't have to go it alone.

So what can you do as the mother or father of an adolescent having a baby? Recognize your feelings and work through them so that you can accept and support her. Does that mean you don't have the right to feel disappointed and even angry? No. Such reactions are common. You might have a strong flood of emotions to deal with, especially at first. But the reality of the upcoming baby means that you'll have to get beyond your initial feelings for the sake of your adolescent and her youngster.

If you need help coping with your feelings about the situation, talk to someone you trust or seek professional counseling. A neutral third party can be a great resource at a time like this.

Just a short time ago your adolescent's biggest concerns might have been hanging out with her friends and wondering what clothes to wear. Now she's dealing with morning sickness and scheduling prenatal visits. Her world has been turned upside down.

Most unmarried adolescents don't plan on becoming pregnant, and they're often terrified when it happens. Many, particularly younger adolescents, keep the news of their pregnancies secret because they fear the anger and disappointment of their moms and dads. Some might even deny to themselves that they are pregnant — which makes it even more important for moms and dads to step in and find medical care for their adolescent as early in the pregnancy as possible. Younger adolescents' pregnancies, in particular, are considered high risk because their bodies haven't finished growing and are not yet fully mature.

Adolescent boys who are going to become fathers also need the involvement of their moms and dads. Although some boys may welcome the chance to be involved with their kids, others feel frightened and guilty and may need to be encouraged to face their responsibilities (the father is legally responsible for youngster support in every state).

That doesn't mean, however, that you should pressure your adolescent son or daughter into an unwanted marriage. Offer advice, but remember that forcing your opinions on your adolescent or using threats is likely to backfire in the long run. There's no "one size fits all" solution here. Open communication between you and your adolescent will help as you consider the future.

Even though most adolescent girls are biologically able to produce healthy babies, whether they do often depends on whether they receive adequate medical care — especially in those critical early months of pregnancy.

Adolescents that receive proper medical care and take care of themselves are more likely to have healthy babies. Those who don't receive medical care are at greater risk for:

• anemia
• fetal death
• high blood pressure
• labor and delivery complications (such as premature labor and stillbirth)
• low birth-weight infant

The earlier your adolescent gets prenatal care, the better her chances for a healthy pregnancy, so bring her to the doctor as soon as possible after finding out she's pregnant. If you need help finding medical care, check with social service groups in the community or at your youngster's school.

Your adolescent's health care provider can tell her what to expect during her pregnancy, how to take care of herself and her growing baby, and how to prepare for life as a mother or father.

Medical Care—

At her first prenatal visit, your adolescent will probably be given a full physical exam, including blood and urine tests. She'll be screened for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and for exposure to certain diseases, such as measles, mumps, and rubella.

Her health care provider also will discuss:

• how often prenatal visits should be scheduled
• how to deal with some of the uncomfortable side effects of pregnancy, like nausea and vomiting
• what changes she can expect in her body
• what she may be feeling physically and emotionally

Knowing what to expect can help alleviate some of the fears your adolescent may have about being pregnant. Her health care provider will probably prescribe a daily prenatal vitamin to make sure she gets enough folic acid, iron, and calcium. Folic acid is especially important during the early weeks of pregnancy, when it plays a role in the healthy development of the neural tube (the structure that develops into the brain and spinal cord).

Lifestyle Changes—

Your adolescent's health care provider will talk about the lifestyle changes she'll have to make for the health of her baby, including:

• avoiding excess caffeine (too much caffeine has been linked to an increased risk of miscarriage)
• avoiding risky sexual behaviors (such as having unsafe sex)
• eating right
• getting enough rest
• not drinking (alcohol causes mental and physical birth defects)
• not smoking (smoking while pregnant increases the risk of miscarriage, stillbirth, low birth weight, and sudden infant death syndrome)
• not using drugs (drugs are associated with pregnancy complications and fetal death)

If your adolescent smokes or uses alcohol or other drugs, her health care provider can offer ways to help her quit.

Nutrition—

Fast food, soft drinks, sweets — adolescent diets are notoriously unbalanced. Eating well greatly increases your adolescent's chances of having a healthy baby, so encourage her to maintain a well-balanced diet that includes plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole-grain breads (use the U.S. Department of Agriculture's MyPlate as a guide).

Important nutrients include:

• calcium (milk and other dairy products)
• folic acid (green leafy vegetables, beans, peas, fortified cereals
• iron (lean red meats, spinach, iron-fortified cereals)
• proteins (lean meat, fish, poultry, egg whites, beans, peanut butter, tofu)

Drinking plenty of water is essential, too.

Pregnancy is not the time for your adolescent to go on a diet. When pregnant, some adolescents might be tempted to counter normal pregnancy weight gain by cutting calories or exercising excessively — both of which can seriously harm their babies. If you suspect that your adolescent has an unhealthy preoccupation with her weight, talk to her health care provider.

Exercise—

If your adolescent was physically fit before getting pregnant and is not experiencing any pregnancy complications, her health care provider will probably encourage her to continue exercising.

Most women benefit from getting some exercise during pregnancy, although they might have to modify their activity. Low-impact exercises, such as walking and swimming, are best. Have your adolescent discuss her exercise plans with her health care provider early on.

Stress—

Most adolescents enter parenthood unprepared for the stress a new baby brings, and many experience frustration, resentment, and even anger toward their newborns — which may explain why adolescent moms and dads are at higher risk for abusing and neglecting their babies.

You may want to talk with your adolescent's doctor to discuss ways you can help her manage her stress levels so that she can better cope with changes in her life. She also may want to spend some time with other moms and dads of newborns to get a better sense of what caring for a baby involves.

Prenatal Classes—

Your adolescent's health care provider will probably recommend that she take classes on pregnancy, giving birth, and parenting. These classes (some of which are held just for adolescents) can help prepare her for the practical side of parenthood by teaching skills such as feeding, diapering, youngster safety, and other basic baby care techniques.

Preparing for New Responsibilities—

Many practical issues must be considered. Will your adolescent keep the baby or consider adoption? If she keeps it, will she raise the baby herself? Will she continue to go to school? Will the father be involved in the baby's life? Who will be financially responsible for the baby?

The answers to these questions often depend on the support your adolescent receives. Some adolescents raise their youngster alone, some have the involvement of the baby's father, and some rely on their families for support.

As a mother or father, you need to think about your own level of involvement and commitment and discuss it with your adolescent. How much support — financial and otherwise — are you willing and able to offer? Will your adolescent and her youngster live with you? Will you help pay for food, clothing, doctor visits, and necessary items like a car seat and stroller? Can you assist with youngster care while your adolescent is at school and/or work? A social worker or counselor can help you and your adolescent sort through some of these issues.

If at all possible, it's best for adolescents that are pregnant to finish school so they can get better jobs and create a better life for themselves and their babies. This is no easy task — 60% to 70% of all pregnant adolescents drop out of school. And going back after quitting is especially hard, so try to offer your adolescent the support she needs to stay in school — both she and the baby will benefit. Check for school and community programs that offer special services for adolescent mothers, such as youngster care, rides, or tutoring.

Help your adolescent understand that as rewarding as having a youngster is, it isn't always fun — caring for a baby is a huge responsibility and a lifelong commitment. Prepare your adolescent for the reality that she won't have as much time for the things she used to do — that her life is about change and the baby will take priority.

As a mother or father, you can have a great impact on your adolescent's life and on her baby's. You may still wish that she had made different choices. But by supporting your adolescent, making sure she gets good prenatal care, and listening as she shares her fears and anxieties, both of you may find that you're better moms and dads in the long run.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents