I'm writing again about my 14-year-old daughter. I have really tried to follow your plan to the best of my ability but unfortunately my husband and I are not on the same page. He has gotten a whole lot better but will often overlook things to prevent any conflict or explosive behavior or retaliation. I cannot speak for him but I remain firm on my issues and even when he does back me up she does not cooperate. Consequences do nothing for her. We cannot force her to do anything such as go to her room, take a shower, etc. nothing too difficult to comply with. I feel we have lost control of our home to this girl. We have had her in counseling for the last few years and family counseling for the last six months and things seem to be getting worse with the total defiance. She really hasn't done any raging since August but the tension in our house is almost unbearable. I have actually considered leaving; there is only so much I can take.
We have considered boarding schools but many of them require her to want to go there and ask for some sort of writing sample on the application, which she does not cooperate with. She is very bright and very athletic and that is why we have considered regular boarding schools. I have also looked into specialty boarding schools and they are very expensive although she does not have to agree to go there. While I was on your website I seen a listing for boarding schools and many are the same as the ones I have seen. What I would like to know from you is if you have any recommendations for the schools. Are there some in which you've had more positive feedback than others?
She has never been a problem at school mainly at home. She wants everyone at school to think the best of her but is totally disrespectful to her parents and immediate family. She puts on a show for the extended family. No one has any idea what we live with every day. I know this sounds like we are giving up or letting someone else take over but this has been going on for the last four years and we all need a break. We adopted her when she was little and she is our responsibility and we are not ignoring that or throwing her away but nothing we do seems to work, and that is why we are searching for the best possible solution for all concerned.
Any suggestions or recommendations you can give would be greatly appreciated.
I think the best help I can be to you at this time is to provide you with a checklist of sorts.
Let's trouble shoot...
Below is a summary of all the assignments I gave you in My Out-of-Control Teen eBook. If parents do not implement most of these assignments, it is often the "kiss of failure." For example, the transmission in your car has hundreds of parts, but if just one little tiny part is not working -- the whole transmission does not work. The same is true with this "parent program." Omit just one strategy, and the whole plan runs the risk of failing.
1. Are you asking your daughter at least one question each day that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or a "no" to demonstrate that you are interested in what is going on in her life? (page 20 of the printable version of eBook)
2. Are you saying to her "I love you" everyday and expecting nothing in return? (page 20)
3. Are you eating dinner together at least one evening each week -- either at home or out? (page 20)
4. Do you use "The Art of Saying Yes" whenever your answer is yes? (page 25)
5. Do you use "The The Art of Saying - and Sticking With - No" whenever your answer is no? (page 25)
6. Do you catch her in the act of doing something right at least once each day? (page 25)
7. Do you use the "When You Want Something From Your Kid" approach as needed? (page 31)
8. Do you give her at least one chore each day? (page 31)
9. Do you find something fun to do with her each week? (page 54)
10. Do you use the "I noticed ...I felt ...Listen" approach when something unexpected pops-up? (bottom of page 50)
11. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, are you asking yourself the following question: "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my daughter, or will this inhibit the development of self-reliance?"
If it is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don't!
12. Is she EARNING ALL of her stuff and freedom? (see "Self-Reliance Cycle" - page 19)
If you answered "no" to any of the above, you are missing some important pieces to the puzzle. Most parents DO miss a few pieces initially -- you can't be expected to remember everything! But don't get frustrated and give up. We must be willing to hang in there for the long haul.
I'm talking about refinement here. Refinement is a necessary tool to use in order to truly be successful with these parenting strategies.
HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Parents who refine are, on average, 95% - 100% successful at getting the parent-child difficulties reduced in intensity and severity (i.e., the problems are easily managed).
The same can be true in your case. Don’t give up just yet. Please continue to refine by emailing me as needed over the next few months. Refinement is a process, not a one-time event.
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