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Daughter Dating Boy with Bad Reputation

Our daughter is 16. Last year was a difficult year. My daughter was disrespectful at home and at school. She had social problems at school and was involved in some fighting. Her grades suffered. This year our relationships at home have improved greatly. She is trying hard to control her anger because she sees it gets her nowhere (thanks to your program and the "poker face" tip). She is still struggling academically, but there is less drama at school. She is respectful to her teachers and has been trying hard not to get in fights with her peers. Because of your tip on using an online monitoring program I have been able to keep track of what she is up to. She has not been perfect by any means, but for the most part she is staying out of trouble and I must say it appears that she is mostly honest with us. I heard her make the comment the other day "my parents always find out everything, it is so annoying". But she said it light heartedly.

Here is our current problem. In December, she started "dating" a 19yr.old boy. This boy does not have a good reputation. He has been in trouble with the law. Just this week he was arrested twice for getting into fights. Of course, our daughter swears they were not his fault. I've been told that the boy is somewhat mentally handicapped and is teased about being "stupid". My oldest son has confirmed that this is true but says the boy does not know when to shut up and is constantly getting in fights and getting beat up. We were leery of her dating him to begin with and should have put a stop to it immediately, but because her behavior has been so much better, we did not. She is never with him when these incidents occur. In fact, she is only allowed to see him when she is supervised. After this last incident, we decided we do not want her to see him at all. We told her that even though he is good to her, the fact that he has a violent part to him could put her in danger. For two hours last night and two more hours today, she has been in a rage using every tactic she could to get us to change our mind. I wasn't sure whether to call the police or take her straight to the hospital. She threatened to run away and to kill herself. She admits that she is very depressed and will go for help- but only if we allow her to see him.

This is what I proposed to her:

• She could see him one time during the week and that would be Sunday. We would pick him up and they would both go to church with us and then he could spend the afternoon.
• She can talk to him on the phone.
• She has to show us some improvement in her school work.
• She must agree to some counseling to help her with her depression and her obsession with having a boyfriend.
• He would have to stay out of trouble.

Are we crazy for even considering this???? I have to say, I don't know him very well at all and am not sure I want him around our family. But as a Christian I feel we need to give him a chance and maybe make a difference in his life. Everyone else thinks we're nuts.

Click here for my response...


Unknown said...

This is from a nearly 25 year old woman who was once in your daughter's situation. My parents tried banning him entirely and even got our local preacher involved. Did absolutely nothing. They then came up with similar rules to you guys, I agreed and after four months he got tired of it and moved on. I would be more concerned about her obsession with having a boyfriend and would focus on that as he won't be around forever.

Unknown said...

Also, she threatened to run away and kill herself. This is a separate issue from boyfriend. I also did this with my parents and if I had a child do this, whatever the reason, I would call 911 right away. Even if she was just trying to manipulate you, you need to take the threat seriously as you have no way of knowing whether it's real and she needs to understand the consequences of making bogus threats. I still say your best bet with the guy is to let them see each other in the limits you said in your post.

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