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You made the wrong comment, asked the wrong question, or said something you weren't supposed to. The response you get says it all: the cold shoulder! A teenager may use the cold shoulder as a way to shut her parents out, to get them to leave her alone, and to push her parents’ buttons. What most moms and dads don’t realize is that under the surface, something else is going on: the cold shoulder is giving your youngster a feeling of control over you. The cold shoulder (also referred to as “the silent treatment”) is a common punishment used by teens. It is manifested by a child who completely ignores his parents, going through his typical day as if his parents were invisible or absent, even if the parents are standing right in front of him or talking to him. What parents need to understand is that the cold shoulder is frequently utilized as a lever to gain control in the power struggles of the parent-child relationship – and it works because most parents react in a way that ...

Parental stress can often cause changes in parenting behavior, for example: being more reactive and less proactive, decreased monitoring and/or supervision, engaging in increasingly harsh disciplinary behaviors, inconsistency, increased negative communication, and setting vague rules or limits on behavior. In this post, we’re going to look at “how to be a bad parent.” Bad Parenting Style #1: The Dictator— Dictatorial parenting is characterized by high expectations of compliance to rules and directions, while allowing little open dialogue between parent and youngster. Dictatorial parenting is a punitive parenting style in which moms and dads make their kids follow their directions and respect their effort. Dictatorial moms and dads expect much of their youngster, but generally do not explain the reasoning for the rules. The "dictator" is less receptive to his youngster’s needs, and is more likely to ground his youngster rather than discuss the problem.  Dic...

Do you hear from other moms and dads, educators, or other kids that your youngster disrupts activities and deliberately annoys others? It can be a tough pill to swallow, but the best solution is to help your youngster develop better social skills. When someone says your youngster is intentionally bothering others, it’s common for parents to feel defensive or even angry. However, once you’re done reacting, step back and work on ways to help your youngster correct his/her behavior and improve social skills . Here are some tips to help your child stop his or her annoying behaviors: 1. When your youngster frequently annoys other children or grown-ups, it can be a frustrating, puzzling circumstance. Some kids do it for attention, while others aren’t aware that they are being a pest. As a mother or father, you may not have all the answers, and that’s OK. Reach out to your youngster’s educators and guidance counselor. In some cases, your youngster may benefit from an evaluation wi...

Doing chores is a tradition in most families. Chores help children learn responsibility. We all need to feel needed and to know that we're making a contribution – especially children! So how do you get your children on board?   Here are a few tips: 1. Be precise with instructions. “Clean your room” is vague and can be interpreted in any number of ways. Instead, be specific by saying something like, “Put your clean clothes in the dresser, dirty clothes in the hamper, games in the closet, and dirty dishes in the kitchen sink.” 2. Be consistent. If your children aren't expected to regularly follow through, they might start putting a chore off in the hope that someone else will do it for them. 3. Praise, praise, and praise. Get that praise up and running right away! Don't wait until the chore is done. Praise and encourage the youngster while the chore is in progress. You want to build positive momentum, especially with younger children. 4. Start giving ch...

Anger in teens takes many forms. It may be expressed as indignation and resentment, or rage and fury. It is the expression of anger (i.e., the behavior) that parents see. Some adolescents may repress their anger and withdraw, while others may be more defiant and destroy property. Anger is an emotion – not a behavior, and it is usually caused by something going on in the adolescent's life. Treating uncontrollable anger in teens generally involves several types of psychotherapy and training for your teen – as well as for you. Treatment often lasts several months or longer. If your son or daughter has co-existing conditions (e.g., ADHD), medications may help significantly improve symptoms. However, medications alone generally aren't used for anger-related issues unless another disorder co-exists. Here are 17 crucial tips for dealing with uncontrollable anger in your teenager: 1. At first, your teen probably won't be cooperative or appreciate your changed response to...

Research suggests that over 50% of moms and dads fight with their teenagers every night over homework, and over 70% of teens regularly refuse to do their homework. Guess who’s winning this war? You guessed it! If you’re like most moms and dads, you feel overly-responsible for getting your teenagers to take education seriously, and you get worried and angry when they refuse to do their homework. This can easily turn into a power struggle if you feel this is a “war” you have to “win.” It’s very easy to react to your own anxiety about this dilemma rather than acting in a well-planned way that will get your youngster where he or she needs to be academically. Below are 30 strategies (some of which may be controversial) for parents who want to “influence” (rather than “control”) their defiant teenagers to do their homework. Some of these techniques will work – some won’t. But pick a few that seem relevant and give them a try. You can always come up with “Plan B” if “Plan A” isn’t wo...

When families "blend" to create step-families, things rarely progress effortlessly. Some kids may resist changes, while moms and dads can become perturbed when the new family doesn't function like their previous family. While changes to family structure require “adjustment time” for everyone involved, the following tips will help blended families work out their growing pains and live together successfully: 1. Address conflict positively. In other words, view each "trouble spot" as an opportunity to learn and grow together. "Conflict" is a good thing when it is used constructively ...don't view it as something that "shouldn't happen." 2. Agree with your new spouse how you intend to parent together, and then make any necessary adjustments to your parenting styles “before” you remarry. It’ll make for a smoother transition, and your children won’t become angry at your new partner for initiating changes. 3. All siblings have con...

Most parents hate having arguments with their defiant teenagers. Arguing is exhausting and time-consuming, especially after a hectic day at work. Are you wondering how to stop it? Follow these tips, and they will help you: 1. The first thing to do is to listen to EVERYTHING your teen has to say. Don’t interrupt, even if she is going on and on. Let her finish, and while she is speaking, make eye contact and let her know you hear her. It’s amazing that even after a long, drawn-out argument, neither person feels really heard, so listen intently. This is the first step to ending arguments before they grow into something unmanageable. 2. As often as possible, try to avoid topics about which you know your teen is passionate about. If you know which buttons to push to get her started, don't push them. 3. Empathize with your teen while she is venting. Say something like, “I’m sorry that things are this way, but hopefully we can settle it once we’ve both calmed down.” Being e...

The primary goal of adolescence is to achieve independence. For this to occur, they will start pulling away from their moms and dads — especially the parent whom they're the closest to. This can come across always seeming to have different opinions than their parents, or not wanting to be around them in the same way they used to. As adolescents mature, they start to think more abstractly and rationally. They're forming their moral code. And moms and dads may find that teens who previously had been willing to conform to please them will suddenly begin asserting themselves — and their opinions — strongly and rebelling against parental control. Adolescence can be a confusing time of change for all family members. But while these years can be difficult, there's plenty you can do to nurture your adolescent and encourage responsible behavior. Use the parenting tips below to deal with the challenges of raising a difficult, defiant adolescent. 40 tips for parents with de...

Some moms and dads think once they are divorced and most of the decisions have been made, the worst is behind them. Unfortunately, parenting after divorce is an ongoing challenge. The success of divorced parents depends on the decisions they make, their attitude toward their situation, and their compassion for their “blameless” kids. Divorced moms and dads are often overwhelmed by all the changes in their lives. They may be filled with guilt, blame, rage, or grief. Though they love their kids, it is often a major challenge to manage emotions and conflict with their ex-spouse in a way that helps their kids move through the changes and feel loved and secure. Things to consider when parenting children after a divorce: 1. Children need to feel understood. After a divorce, their feelings may be in turmoil. Listen to them. Don't tell them what to think. Be sure to respond specifically to what they are telling you. For example, say, “It sounds like you are feeling upset about m...

"How do I get back on track in my house when my son’s father (we are divorced) undermines my disciplinary efforts?" There are some families in which the parents’ beliefs about changing their kid’s behavior are so different that their attempts at discipline become more of a problem than a solution. A youngster whose mom is strict but whose dad is a consistent pushover, for example, receives confusing information about what’s expected. A parent who gives in to his kids’ every demand in the hope of satisfying them almost always finds that the opposite happens: Instead of letting up, the kids continue to push for more and more, looking for a sign of how much is too much. A similar thing happens if the moms and dads can’t decide how to discipline and set limits on their kids. It’s healthy for kids to see how their mom and dad reach a compromise or settle a disagreement if it’s done peacefully and effectively. But if the parents can’t reach an agreement, the kids’ behavior...