Dealing With Your Resentful Teen's "Cold Shoulder"

You made the wrong comment, asked the wrong question, or said something you weren't supposed to. The response you get says it all: the cold shoulder! A teenager may use the cold shoulder as a way to shut her parents out, to get them to leave her alone, and to push her parents’ buttons. What most moms and dads don’t realize is that under the surface, something else is going on: the cold shoulder is giving your youngster a feeling of control over you.

The cold shoulder (also referred to as “the silent treatment”) is a common punishment used by teens. It is manifested by a child who completely ignores his parents, going through his typical day as if his parents were invisible or absent, even if the parents are standing right in front of him or talking to him.

What parents need to understand is that the cold shoulder is frequently utilized as a lever to gain control in the power struggles of the parent-child relationship – and it works because most parents react in a way that tells the child she is winning. Never is this more evident than in the conflicts associated with a “resentful” teenager. When a resentful teen uses the cold shoulder, she takes it to the extreme. A resentful teen may refuse to speak to – or even acknowledge – parents for great lengths of time, and may even demand an apology that is out of proportion to the perceived offense.

The cold shoulder is usually used to silently express contempt or disapproval. It is a common response used by teens who can’t tolerate being on the receiving end of a parent’s self-assertiveness (e.g., a parent who is consistent with issuing consequences for misbehavior). The cold shoulder effectually cuts parents off from the teen, and sends a clear message to parents about how insignificant they are and how easy it is for the teen to live without them. This strategy is used by insecure adolescents with a poor self-image who have no other problem-solving skills (yet). When parents do something that displeases the resentful teen, they cease to exist for a certain period of time (and most often, extensive and disproportionate amounts of time).

The resentful teen also uses the cold shoulder to throw his parents off balance. The teen does this to find out exactly how much control he has over the parents. The most typical reason is to “punish” his parents for some good they failed to do, or some wrong they did (and probably are unaware of). Of course, if parents directly ask the teen about it, he will deny it.

The resentful teen also uses the cold shoulder as a way to get a reaction from parents. Typically, parents ask their resentful teen, “What is wrong, why are you ignoring me?” This lets the child know she has been successful in pushing her parents' buttons. It also gives her power to do whatever she wants. If parents don’t accept her behavior, she will then use the cold shoulder again to draw them back in to the cycle.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

It’s theorized that the cold shoulder is a learned behavior. A child may observe parents using the cold shoulder and copy it as a way to punish others or get them to comply with his wishes. Moms and dads greatly affect their youngster’s behavior. A child is like a sponge – he models everything his mother or father does and incorporates what he sees into his own life. According to research done by the University of Chicago published in the Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, an antisocial teenager learns his negative behavior from his parents’ examples.

So what is a parent to do about “the cold shoulder” treatment? Just two things really:

1. Model tolerance. If you say something to your teenager, and then get the cold shoulder, simply acknowledge that you noticed this – and move on. Here are two examples:

Example #1—

• Mom says, “How was school today?”
• Teenager says nothing and gives mom a dirty look.
• Mom says, “Looks like something’s bothering you. If you want to talk about it, let me know” (then mom goes on about her business).

Example #2—

• Arriving home from school, angry teen slams the front door and throws his books all over the floor. Mom says, “Slamming doors and throwing books is not acceptable behavior.”
• Teen says nothing and heads to his room.
• Moms says, “I’m sorry if you had a bad day, but you can choose to pick up your books, or you can choose the consequence.”
• If he picks up his books in a reasonable amount of time (as defined by you), there’s no consequence. If he doesn’t pick up his books, he receives a consequence (again, as defined by you).

2. Let “cold-shoulder behavior” run its course. When you stop responding to the cold shoulder, it will die from neglect—and that’s exactly what you want, but it’s going to take some time. Be patient and ignore it. That’s right! There are no consequences for the cold shoulder (however, other negative behaviors may need a consequence). Giving a consequence for the cold shoulder is synonymous with giving attention to it, which will help it to grow.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The 3 Worst Parenting Styles: How to Be a Bad Parent

Parental stress can often cause changes in parenting behavior, for example: being more reactive and less proactive, decreased monitoring and/or supervision, engaging in increasingly harsh disciplinary behaviors, inconsistency, increased negative communication, and setting vague rules or limits on behavior. In this post, we’re going to look at “how to be a bad parent.”

Bad Parenting Style #1: The Dictator—

Dictatorial parenting is characterized by high expectations of compliance to rules and directions, while allowing little open dialogue between parent and youngster. Dictatorial parenting is a punitive parenting style in which moms and dads make their kids follow their directions and respect their effort. Dictatorial moms and dads expect much of their youngster, but generally do not explain the reasoning for the rules. The "dictator" is less receptive to his youngster’s needs, and is more likely to ground his youngster rather than discuss the problem.  Dictatorial parenting deals with low parental receptiveness and high parental demand, and the parent tends to demand obedience without explanation.

Kids raised under this parenting style often have less social competence, because the mother or father generally “tells” the youngster what to do instead of allowing the youngster to “choose” by himself. Some kids of dictatorial moms and dads may develop insecurities and display anti-social behavior.

Bad Parenting Style #2: The Over-Indulger—

Over-indulgent parenting is characterized as having few behavioral expectations for the youngster. Over-indulgence occurs when moms and dads are very involved with their kids, but place few demands or controls on them. The parent is nurturing and accepting, and is receptive to the youngster's needs and wishes. Over-indulgent moms and dads do not require their kids to regulate themselves or behave appropriately. This often results in raising children who have a large sense of entitlement (e.g., “The world owes me, I shouldn’t have to work for anything”).

Kids of over-indulgent moms and dads tend to be more impulsive, and as adolescents, often engage more in misconduct. Over-indulged kids rarely learn to control their own behavior and usually expect to get their way. Over-indulgent parents (i.e., those low on accountability and high on nurturing) nearly triple the risk of their teenager participating in drug abuse and heavy alcohol drinking.


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents 


Bad Parenting Style #3: The Under-Attender—

Inattentive parenting involves parents who are low in nurturing and accountability. They are generally not involved in their youngster's life, are disengaged, undemanding, low in receptiveness, have few rules, and set very few boundaries. Inattentive parenting results is dismissing the kid's emotions and opinions. Moms and dads are emotionally unsupportive of their kids, but will still provide their basic needs (e.g., food, housing, toiletries, money, etc.).

A youngster whose mom and dad are inattentive develops the sense that other aspects of his parents’ lives are more important than he is. Many kids of this parenting style often attempt to provide for themselves or halt depending on the parent to get a feeling of being independent and mature beyond their years. Kids raised under an inattentive parenting style often become emotionally withdrawn from social situations. This disturbed attachment also impacts relationships later on in life. In the teenage years, they may show patterns of truancy and delinquency.

So, enough about bad parenting. What can a parent do if he or she wants to employ a better parenting style? The answer is: become more “influential.”

A Good Parenting Style: The Influencer—

Influential parenting is characterized by a child-centered approach that holds high expectations of maturity. Influential moms and dads can understand how their kids are feeling and teach them how to regulate emotions. They often help their kids to find appropriate outlets to solve problems. Influential moms and dads encourage their kids to be independent, but still place limits on their behavior. Frequent verbal give-and-take is not refused, and the parents try to be nurturing toward the youngster. Influential parents are not usually as controlling as dictatorial ones, allowing the youngster to explore more freely, thus having them make their own decisions based upon their own reasoning. Often, influential moms and dads produce kids who are more independent and self-reliant. An influential parenting style mainly results when there is high parental receptiveness ALONG WITH high parental expectations.

The influential parent sets clear standards for her kids, monitors the boundaries that she sets, and allows her kids to develop independence. She also expects mature, independent, and age-appropriate behavior from her kids. Discipline for misbehavior is measured and consistent, not arbitrary or punitive. The influential parent sets limits AND promotes maturity, but when disciplining her youngsters, the parent will explain her motive for the consequences. Kids raised under the influential parenting style are more likely to respond to discipline, because it is usually perceived as reasonable and fair. The youngster knows why he is being disciplined, because an influential parent makes the reasons known. The “influencer” is attentive to her kids’ needs and concerns, and will typically “forgive and teach” instead of punishing when her youngsters fall short.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When Your Child Deliberately Annoys Others

Do you hear from other moms and dads, educators, or other kids that your youngster disrupts activities and deliberately annoys others? It can be a tough pill to swallow, but the best solution is to help your youngster develop better social skills.

When someone says your youngster is intentionally bothering others, it’s common for parents to feel defensive or even angry. However, once you’re done reacting, step back and work on ways to help your youngster correct his/her behavior and improve social skills.

Here are some tips to help your child stop his or her annoying behaviors:

1. When your youngster frequently annoys other children or grown-ups, it can be a frustrating, puzzling circumstance. Some kids do it for attention, while others aren’t aware that they are being a pest. As a mother or father, you may not have all the answers, and that’s OK. Reach out to your youngster’s educators and guidance counselor. In some cases, your youngster may benefit from an evaluation with a child behavior specialist.

2. Be firm and kind. Follow through every time on the natural or logical consequences.

3. Have a few positively stated rules, and explain the reasons behind them.

4. If there are lots of behaviors you want to change, start by focusing on one or two of the most bothersome or dangerous ones. Don't try to make too many changes all at once.

My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with Defiant Children

5. If your youngster struggles with understanding feelings, start with basic terms. You can slowly build your youngster’s vocabulary as he develops more nuanced language about emotions. Using a chart or book with basic facial expressions may help for younger children who are having trouble grasping concepts (e.g., annoying, embarrassed, frustrated, etc.). Some children don’t respond well to explanations. When that’s the case, try to suggest appropriate behaviors instead of explaining why the inappropriate ones are bothersome.

6. Let your youngster make decisions whenever possible by giving her acceptable choices (e.g., “Would you rather have cereal or scrambled eggs and bacon for breakfast?”).  This will help your youngster feel in control, reducing stress and frustration. 

7. Come up with a secret signal (e.g., pulling on your earlobe) and tell your child you will “cue” him with this signal whenever he’s being annoying (of course, this only works when you are in the presence of your child). It helps to have a signal with some children, which is a sly way to let them know they are bothering others. Then you aren't calling them out in front of their peers, yet they can change their behavior. Many children genuinely don’t know they are being a pest, and a simple reminder can help. So, let your youngster know when his behavior is bothersome, but don’t talk to him about it in front or others or in an embarrassing way.

8. Praise your youngster for good behavior.  The best kind of praise simply describes what you see that you would like to see more of.  Catch your youngster being good, and tell her you noticed (e.g., “I noticed you put your backpack on the table rather than throwing it on the floor; that’s you being responsible”).

9. Redirect your youngster and help him find a better place, or better way to do what he is trying to do. For instance, if his nose is irritated, have him clean it with a tissue, apply saline nasal spray, and then wash his hands. If he simply must go “digging,” have him do it in the bathroom, not in public, and wash his hands afterward.

10. Try ignoring the annoying behavior. Your youngster will probably outgrow the habit with time.  Giving a lot of attention (even though it's negative) may actually encourage the behavior.

11. Use natural or logical consequences for problem behavior. The purpose here is to get your child to make the right decision, not to bend her to your will. Be patient—it may take time for you to see results.

12. Unfortunately, parents need to understand that, in some cases, it is simply impossible to stop the annoying behavior until the youngster becomes interested in stopping.  For instance, a little boy may actually get enough “benefit” out of picking his nose and wiping his buggers on his friends that he will not be willing to stop. When he gets a little older, though, he may be interested in not grossing-out his peers. Then you will be able to help him quit.

My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with Defiant Children

How To Get Defiant Children To Do Chores

Doing chores is a tradition in most families. Chores help children learn responsibility. We all need to feel needed and to know that we're making a contribution – especially children! So how do you get your children on board?  

Here are a few tips:

1. Be precise with instructions. “Clean your room” is vague and can be interpreted in any number of ways. Instead, be specific by saying something like, “Put your clean clothes in the dresser, dirty clothes in the hamper, games in the closet, and dirty dishes in the kitchen sink.”

2. Be consistent. If your children aren't expected to regularly follow through, they might start putting a chore off in the hope that someone else will do it for them.

3. Praise, praise, and praise. Get that praise up and running right away! Don't wait until the chore is done. Praise and encourage the youngster while the chore is in progress. You want to build positive momentum, especially with younger children.

4. Start giving chores at age 2. You might think your youngster is too young, but he or she is more capable than you think. Children can do a lot of chores at an early stage (e.g., getting clothes to the laundry, cleaning up after dinner, etc.). Some parents hold back too long because they think their young children are incapable of following through. But that puts the cart before the horse (i.e., kids learn by doing). A defiant 14-year-old is more likely to complete chores if he or she has being doing them for the previous 12 years.

5. Tolerate imperfection. Of course, no child is perfect, and it's better to have a more relaxed approach to how well your children do chores. Otherwise, you will have a power struggle on your hands (or you might jump in and do the chore for them, which would undermine the whole point).

6. Teach the proper way to do chores. Show your child how to do the chore step by step. Next, let him or her help you do it. Then have your youngster do the chore as you supervise. Once your youngster has it mastered, he or she is ready to go solo.

7. Minimize the use of reminders and deadlines. You want the chore to get done without you micromanaging it. Use the "when/then" technique (e.g., "When the dog is fed, you can have your after school snack").

8. Make a chores chart. Create a list of every task that needs to be done. Have your children pick out the task they would most like to do. Then create a chart. Check that everyone has an age-appropriate chore (see below). Then divide the chart into three columns: (1) one is for the list of chores and whose chore it is, (2) another is for deadlines, and (3) the last one is for making a check mark when the chore is done. Put the chart where everyone can see it and let everyone follow through on their own tasks.

9. Don’t give money for chores. Chores are about teaching responsibility and learning household tasks. True, children need to learn how to handle money, but not by doing chores they are supposed to do anyway. It's especially important to not tie allowances to chores for younger children, because they may be less motivated by money and simply choose to not do them. (Note: There’s one exception. For older children who already know how to be responsible, money can become a nice motivator for doing extra chores above and beyond their usual ones. So, let them bid on those extra chores, and then you pick the lowest bid.)

10. Your youngster can do more than you think. A youngster who has mastered a complicated computer game can easily run a dishwasher. In general, preschoolers can handle one or two simple one-step or two-step tasks. Older kids can manage much more. So, give your children more credit for being smart enough to do what is asked of them, and don’t step in to do the chore for them if they are moving too slowly or are not completing the chore to your perfectionistic specifications.

Here are some suggestions for chores sorted by age...

Chores for kids ages 2 to 3:
•    Dust
•    Fill pet's food dish
•    Pile books and magazines
•    Put clothes in hamper
•    Put toys away
•    Wipe up spills

Chores for kids ages 4 to 5:
•    Bring in mail or newspaper
•    Clear table
•    Dust
•    Empty wastebaskets
•    Fill pet's food dish
•    Fix bowl of cereal
•    Make their bed
•    Pile books and magazines
•    Pull weeds, if you have a garden
•    Put clothes in hamper
•    Put toys away
•    Unload utensils from dishwasher
•    Use hand-held vacuum to pick up crumbs
•    Wash plastic dishes at sink
•    Water flowers
•    Wipe up spills

Chores for kids ages 6 to 7:
•    Bring in mail or newspaper
•    Clear table
•    Dust
•    Empty wastebaskets
•    Fill pet's food dish
•    Fix bowl of cereal
•    Help make and pack lunch
•    Keep bedroom tidy
•    Make their bed
•    Pile books and magazines
•    Pull weeds, if you have a garden
•    Put clothes in hamper
•    Put toys away
•    Set and clear table
•    Sort laundry
•    Sweep floors
•    Unload utensils from dishwasher
•    Use hand-held vacuum to pick up crumbs
•    Wash plastic dishes at sink
•    Water flowers
•    Weed and rake leaves
•    Wipe up spills

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Chores for kids ages 8 to 9:
•    Bring in mail or newspaper
•    Clear table
•    Cook simple foods, such as toast
•    Dust
•    Empty wastebaskets
•    Fill pet's food dish
•    Fix bowl of cereal
•    Help make and pack lunch
•    Help make dinner
•    Keep bedroom tidy
•    Load dishwasher
•    Make own breakfast
•    Make own snacks
•    Make their bed
•    Mop floor
•    Peel vegetables
•    Pile books and magazines
•    Pull weeds, if you have a garden
•    Put away groceries
•    Put away own laundry
•    Put clothes in hamper
•    Put toys away
•    Set and clear table
•    Sew buttons
•    Sort laundry
•    Sweep floors
•    Take pet for a walk
•    Unload utensils from dishwasher
•    Use hand-held vacuum to pick up crumbs
•    Vacuum
•    Wash plastic dishes at sink
•    Wash table after meals
•    Water flowers
•    Weed and rake leaves
•    Wipe up spills

Chores for kids ages 10 and older:
•    Baby-sit younger siblings (with adult in the home)
•    Bring in mail or newspaper
•    Change their bed sheets
•    Clean bathroom
•    Clean kitchen
•    Clean oven
•    Clear table
•    Cook simple foods, such as toast
•    Cook simple meal with supervision
•    Do laundry
•    Dust
•    Empty wastebaskets
•    Fill pet's food dish
•    Fix bowl of cereal
•    Fold laundry
•    Help make and pack lunch
•    Help make dinner
•    Iron clothes
•    Keep bedroom tidy
•    Load dishwasher
•    Make own breakfast
•    Make own snacks
•    Make their bed
•    Mop floor
•    Peel vegetables
•    Pile books and magazines
•    Pull weeds, if you have a garden
•    Put away groceries
•    Put away own laundry
•    Put clothes in hamper
•    Put toys away
•    Set and clear table
•    Sew buttons
•    Sort laundry
•    Sweep floors
•    Take pet for a walk
•    Unload dishwasher
•    Unload utensils from dishwasher
•    Use hand-held vacuum to pick up crumbs
•    Vacuum
•    Wash car
•    Wash plastic dishes at sink
•    Wash table after meals
•    Wash windows
•    Water flowers
•    Weed and rake leaves
•    Wipe up spills

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing with Uncontrollable Anger in Your Teenager

Anger in teens takes many forms. It may be expressed as indignation and resentment, or rage and fury. It is the expression of anger (i.e., the behavior) that parents see. Some adolescents may repress their anger and withdraw, while others may be more defiant and destroy property.

Anger is an emotion – not a behavior, and it is usually caused by something going on in the adolescent's life. Treating uncontrollable anger in teens generally involves several types of psychotherapy and training for your teen – as well as for you. Treatment often lasts several months or longer. If your son or daughter has co-existing conditions (e.g., ADHD), medications may help significantly improve symptoms. However, medications alone generally aren't used for anger-related issues unless another disorder co-exists.

Here are 17 crucial tips for dealing with uncontrollable anger in your teenager:

1. At first, your teen probably won't be cooperative or appreciate your changed response to his or her behavior. Expect that you'll have setbacks and relapses, and be prepared with a plan to manage those times. In fact, behavior can temporarily worsen when new limits and expectations are set. However, with perseverance and consistency, the initial hard work often pays off with improved behavior and relationships.

2. Be forgiving. Let go of things that you or your teen did in the past. Start each day with a fresh outlook and a clean slate.

3. Build in time together. Develop a consistent weekly schedule that involves you and your teen spending time together.

4. Assign your teen a household chore that's essential and that won't get done unless the teen does it. Initially, it's important to set your teen up for success with tasks that are relatively easy to achieve and gradually blend in more important and challenging expectations. Give clear, easy-to-follow instructions.

5. Consider individual and family therapy. Individual counseling for your teen may help him or her learn to manage anger and express his or her feelings more healthfully. Family counseling may help improve your communication and relationships, and help members of your family learn how to work together.

6. Employ social skills training. Your teen might benefit from therapy that will help him or her learn how to interact more positively and effectively with peers.

7. Learn ways to calm yourself. Keeping your own cool models the behavior you want from your teen.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

8. Model the behavior you want your teen to have.

9. Pick your battles. Avoid power struggles. Almost everything can turn into a power struggle — if you let it.

10. Recognize and praise your teen's positive behaviors. Be as specific as possible, such as, "I really liked the way you helped wash dishes."

11. Set up a routine. Develop a consistent daily schedule for your teen. Asking your teen to help develop that routine may be beneficial.

12. Set limits and enforce consistent reasonable consequences.

13. Research parent-teen interaction therapy (PCIT). During PCIT, therapists coach moms and dads while they interact with their teenagers. In one approach, the therapist sits behind a one-way mirror and, using an "ear bug" audio device, guides moms and dads through strategies that reinforce their teenager's positive behavior. As a result, parents learn more-effective parenting techniques, the quality of the parent-teen relationship improves, and problem behaviors decrease.

14. Take time for yourself. Develop outside interests, get some exercise and spend some time away from your teen to restore your energy.

15. Try cognitive problem-solving training. This type of therapy is aimed at helping your teen identify and change through patterns that are leading to behavior problems. Collaborative problem-solving — in which you and your teen work together to come up with solutions that work for both of you — can help improve anger-related problems.

16. Work with your spouse or others in your household to ensure consistent and appropriate discipline procedures.

17. Get involved in parent training. A mental health provider with experience treating uncontrollable anger in teens may help you develop skills that will allow you to parent in a way that's more positive and less frustrating for you and your teen. In some cases, your teen may participate in this type of training with you, so that everyone in your family develops shared goals for how to handle problems. As part of parent training, you may learn how to: 

• avoid power struggles;
• establish a schedule for the family that includes specific meals that will be eaten at home together, and specific activities that mom and/or dad will do with the teen;
• give effective timeouts;
• limit consequences to those that can be consistently reinforced and if possible, last for a limited amount of time;
• offer acceptable choices to your teen, giving him or her a certain amount of control;
• recognize and praise your teen's good behaviors and positive characteristics; 
• remain calm and unemotional in the face of opposition, or take your own timeout, if necessary.

Moms and dads must be aware of signs to look for in an angry and aggressive adolescent. It's common for adolescents to fight with their moms and dads, peers and siblings, but certain signs and symptoms are indicative of a bigger problem. When an adolescent appears isolated, spends a lot of time in his or her room, or does not want to participate in typical activities, you may have a reason for concern.

A drop in grades, lack of appetite, sleeplessness or too much sleep is also a sign that an adolescent is troubled. Crying often or constantly finding a reason to argue is also a common trait in an angry adolescent. When an adolescent feels very angry or out of control, aggression can take over. Physical contact, such as pushing or smacking a parent, sibling or peer, is a clear indication that the adolescent needs help.

Although some parent management techniques may seem like common sense, learning to use them in the face of opposition isn't easy, especially if there are other stressors at home. Learning these skills will require consistent practice and patience. Most important in treatment is for you to show consistent, unconditional love and acceptance of your teen — even during difficult and disruptive situations. Don't be too hard on yourself. This process can be tough for even the most patient mother or father.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Defiant Teens and Homework Refusal: 30 Strategies for Concerned Parents

Research suggests that over 50% of moms and dads fight with their teenagers every night over homework, and over 70% of teens regularly refuse to do their homework. Guess who’s winning this war? You guessed it!

If you’re like most moms and dads, you feel overly-responsible for getting your teenagers to take education seriously, and you get worried and angry when they refuse to do their homework. This can easily turn into a power struggle if you feel this is a “war” you have to “win.” It’s very easy to react to your own anxiety about this dilemma rather than acting in a well-planned way that will get your youngster where he or she needs to be academically.

Below are 30 strategies (some of which may be controversial) for parents who want to “influence” (rather than “control”) their defiant teenagers to do their homework. Some of these techniques will work – some won’t. But pick a few that seem relevant and give them a try. You can always come up with “Plan B” if “Plan A” isn’t working so well.

1. Adolescents often feel loved "conditionally" rather than “unconditionally” (i.e., they only think you approve of them when they do a good job). This can lead to depression and bitterness. Try to be as positive as possible. If your adolescent comes up to you and tells you something really terrible, like she failed a unit test or something, be understanding. It took a lot of courage for her to work up the nerve to tell you this. So, the cooler you are with it, the more likely she is to come and talk with you on a regular basis.

2. Bring your teen’s backpack to her. This may seem ridiculous, but it can work. Adolescents are lazy by nature. It can be all the more difficult to get them to work if what they need is downstairs and they are comfortable on the couch upstairs. Sometimes, adolescents will forget about work simply because it is not in sight. So, get your teenager started with homework by setting her stuff down in front of her.

3. Doing a good job as a mother or father means that you have done all that you can do as a responsible parent. It does not mean that you have raised a perfect child who has made all the right choices. Once you really get this, you won’t be so anxious about your youngster’s behaviors, actions, and decisions. You will be able to see him objectively, and therefore be able to guide his behavior, because you’ll have seen what he actually needs.

4. Don't "bitch." This will invite adolescents to resist. Be kind, yet firm – and be proactive. How? By brainstorming with your adolescent. She is a lot more inclined to follow a plan that she came up with herself.

5. Getting your kids to listen to you is primarily about setting up the conditions under which they choose to do so. In order to do this, make a conscious effort to sprinkle your relationship with more positive interactions than negative ones (e.g., hug, show affection, laugh together, spend time together, etc.). Point out your appreciations most instead of constantly correcting, instructing, teaching, yelling, and complaining.  While it’s true that you will need to correct and reprimand as a mother or father from time to time, try to make a conscious effort so that every time you do this, you will follow it with many positive interactions. Teens tend to remember the negatives much more than the positives. Most of them will be happy to listen and be guided by the adults in their lives who they like and respect.

6. Have realistic expectations. If adolescents forget certain chores or assignments, it does not mean they are irresponsible – it means they are adolescents. So give them reminders in a good humored way. Use your sense of humor and remind without saying anything. Point, use charades, or write a note and leave it on their door or chair. If you have to say something, ask, "What was our plan?"

7. If you are a single mother or father, read all you can about identifying with your adolescent one a personal level. Adolescents who see their parent as the "annoying grown-up" will be even less likely to listen.

8. If your adolescent feels social pressure to go out and do things with his peers, let him. But make a deal that no matter how late they get home, they will do the homework before the next day. Make a deal and a plan of action. Some adolescents will do their best not to let you down in exchange for going to be with friends. (Disclaimer: As stated at the top of this post, some of these strategies will work for your teen, and some won’t.)

9. If your adolescent is already sitting at the computer, but simply is surfing or doing other things, have her get off. Force her off by standing there and watching her until she turns the computer off. Offer then to take her out to spend some of her money (which usually makes adolescents happy), or take her out for ice cream. It does not have to be a long outing, but getting her out of the "surfing mood” can make all of the difference. When you return home, she needs to start on the homework.

10. If your adolescent is simply being lazy, ask him to get up and do something that he will enjoy for a few minutes. Once he is off of his rear-end, it might become very much easier to get him to go and get his work.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. If your adolescent simply dislikes the subject, "confide in her" that you will do it for her if she brings it out. Have her bring it to a couch where the two of you can sit together and work. Judge the scope of her understanding on the subject matter, then sort of trick her into doing the work herself (a controversial strategy, I know). Tell her you have to use the restroom, and just walk away. Before you go, ask her to do two or more parts of the homework on her own.

12. If your teen is planning on going out with friends, don't nag him to get the homework done before hand, but let him know that if he fails any assignments, he will not hang with friends outside of school for a week. The same applies if he wants to do something like skateboarding. Allow him to go, but with conditions.

13. If your teen is really struggling to complete homework, call or make an appointment to meet his teachers. Get to know them, make them feel comfortable to get in touch with you. This, of course, is something your adolescent isn't going to like, even if she is a good student. But, the teachers you have called are much more conscious of your adolescent in their class. So, not only does your adolescent know that you care about her education, the teachers do also.

14. Let your adolescent be the one to come up with his daily routine. He is more apt to stick with it this way. But beforehand, set up a consequence if he is unable to stick to the routine.

15. Make your teen start his homework. This seems obvious, but it is not as simple as you may think. Instead of telling him to "go start your homework," bring him to the computer or his work space and sit down next to him. Don't give up or walk away. Just sit there next to him violating his personal space until he opens his notebook or laptop and starts his work. Watch to make sure that he really starts. Sometimes, it is that simple push that he needs. Once he is on a roll, you can walk away and let him continue.

16. Moms and dads of adolescents often have trouble figuring out when to back off. When it comes to education, your adolescent needs to 'hold the bag'. What grades she “earns” in no way should reflect on you as a parent. After you have given her the time, the space, and the tools, she needs to do the learning. In the end, it’ her job – not yours!

17. Monitor your teen’s computer history. If he is working on a computer, watch to make sure that he doesn't stray. You can also set parental controls and restrictions on internet access.

18. Learn how to “inspire” your teenager, not “boss” her. Building a positive relationship with your child is your best parenting strategy. Kids want to please the adults in their lives that they have loving feelings toward. You can’t ultimately make them accept your values, but you can inspire them to do so.

19. Routines make your adolescent feel safe and secure. When adolescents feel safe and secure, they are at their best. Get rid of the 'Did you do your homework yet?' question. Know that from this time to this time, she is working on it. Be available at that time should she have any questions.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

20. Responsible adults were not necessarily responsible adolescents. Remember those days when you were going through the same thing? Allow your adolescent to learn from his failure, which is an excellent motivator. Just keep track of his progress to make sure that he does not fail too much.

21. Depending on the confidence-level of the teen, some difficult assignments might be avoided. Anxiety can be a factor where fear of not doing well paradoxically causes the teen to just not do the work. If laziness or distraction don't seem to be the main factors, consider talking more in depth with your adolescent about what's going on.

22. There are many reasons why an adolescent may not want to do his homework. Is he absorbed in some other task? Is he planning on going out with friends? Whatever it is, knowing the cause is the best way to counter. Remember that a lot of trust is involved with raising an adolescent. Put him in the position where you are trusting him, and if he violates that trust, it is nobody's fault but his.

23. When teens enter high school, they are offered many different activities. Some adolescents try to do it all. This is a good time to explain to your adolescent that there is such a thing as 'too much of a good thing'. See how she handles the responsibility of an activity before allowing her to engage in additional ones.

24. When your youngster's grades slip, or you find that he's not getting his work in on time, “supervise” to help him get on track. For certain periods of time, he will not be able to do anything other than homework. During that time, no games or gadgets are allowed—just studying. In this way, you are providing structure that your teen can’t provide for himself. The time that you set aside for studying should be a time when you will be around to enforce the rules that you have set. Give a fixed amount of time, and once that time is up, your youngster is free to go elsewhere, homework done or not. (Disclaimer: Again, as stated at the top of this post, some of these strategies will work for your teen, and some won’t.)

25. Work to avoid getting pulled into a power struggle. Your defiant youngster will need many more learning opportunities and more rewards and negative consequences—and more time to learn these lessons.

26. You are not responsible for the choices your youngster makes in life. It’s impossible to take on that burden without a battle for control. Measure your success as a mother or father by how you behave—not by what your youngster chooses to do or not do.

27. You can't "program" your youngster to care about her work, but you can create a work environment that promotes a good work ethic. Children who regularly get their homework done do better throughout school and in life.

28. Your adolescent will have friends that completely “blow off” all of their work, and this can be a negative influence. Show your child that he can be cool AND have good grades, not one or the other. Do this by telling him stories about when you were a youngster, tests that you failed, and homework that you did not turn in. Don't make it seem like you are encouraging not turning in the work, but your adolescent will look at you differently when he knows that you were just like him at his age.

29. Your message to your children (which does not require long sit down conversations) is, “Your job is to take care of your responsibilities, which includes getting your homework done. Once you’ve done that each day, you are welcome to do whatever you want.”

30. The bottom line is this: You can’t get defiant teenagers to do - or care - about what they don’t want to do or care about. Teens have their own genetics, roles, and ultimately their own free will. So, focusing on getting your son or daughter to “change” will not work long-term and will most often turn into a power struggle. Sometimes the best strategy is to simply let him or her feel the negative emotions (e.g., “I’m a failure) associated with the poor choice of making mostly F’s and D’s.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

40 Survival Tips for Blended Families

When families "blend" to create step-families, things rarely progress effortlessly. Some kids may resist changes, while moms and dads can become perturbed when the new family doesn't function like their previous family. While changes to family structure require “adjustment time” for everyone involved, the following tips will help blended families work out their growing pains and live together successfully:

1. Address conflict positively. In other words, view each "trouble spot" as an opportunity to learn and grow together. "Conflict" is a good thing when it is used constructively ...don't view it as something that "shouldn't happen."

2. Agree with your new spouse how you intend to parent together, and then make any necessary adjustments to your parenting styles “before” you remarry. It’ll make for a smoother transition, and your children won’t become angry at your new partner for initiating changes.

3. All siblings have conflict, so don’t assume all family arguments are the result of living in a blended family.

4. As a new step-parent, you shouldn’t step in as the enforcer at first, but work with your partner to set limits.

5. As you merge two families, differences in parenting, discipline, lifestyle, etc. may become more pronounced and can become a source of frustration for the kids. Make it a priority to have some unity when it comes to daily living (e.g., rules, chores, discipline, allowance, etc.). Agreeing on some consistent guidelines will show the children that you and your partner intend to deal with issues in a similar way. This should diminish some feelings of unfairness.

6. Be sure to discuss everything. Never keep emotions bottled up or hold grudges.

7. Blended families have the highest success rate if the couple waits two years or more after a divorce to remarry, instead of piling one drastic family change onto another.

8. Children often feel unimportant or invisible when it comes to decision making in the new blended family. Recognize their role in the family when you make decisions.

9. Create a list of family rules. Discuss the rules with the kids and post them in a prominent place. Also, understand what the rules and boundaries are for the children in their other residence, and be consistent.

10. Creating an honest and open environment free of judgment will help children feel heard and emotionally connected to a new step-parent. Show them that you can view the situation from their perspective.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. Creating family routines and rituals helps unite family members. Decide on meaningful family rituals and plan to incorporate at least one into your blended family (e.g., Sunday visits to the beach, a weekly game night, special ways to celebrate a family birthday, etc.).

12. Do things together (e.g., games, sports, activities, etc.).

13. Don’t overcompensate by favoring your step-kids. This is a common mistake, made with best intentions, in an attempt to avoid indulging your biological kids.

14. Don't expect to fall in love with your spouse’s kids overnight. Get to know them. Love and affection take time to develop.

15. Enforce a respectful attitude. You can’t insist all family members like each other, but you can insist that they treat one another with respect.

16. Establish an open and nonjudgmental atmosphere.

17. Establish the step-parent as more of a friend or counselor rather than a disciplinarian.

18. Establishing regular family meals offers a great chance for you to talk and bond with your kids and step-kids (as well as encourage healthy eating habits).

19. Find a step-parenting support organization in your community. You can learn how other blended families address some of the challenges of blended families.

20. Find a way to experience real life together. Taking both sets of children to a theme park every time you get together is a lot of fun, but it isn’t reflective of everyday life. Try to get the children used to your spouse and his/her kids in daily life situations.

21. Help your children feel safe and secure. Kids want to be able to count on their parents. Kids of divorce have already felt the upset of having people they trust let them down; therefore, know that they may have difficulty giving second chances to a new step-parent.

22. If family members can be civil with one another on a regular basis rather than ignoring, purposely trying to hurt, or completely withdrawing from each other, you're on track.

23. If some of the children just “visit,” make sure they have a locked cupboard for their personal things. Bringing toothbrushes and other standard fare each time they come to your home makes them feel like a visitor, not a member of the blended family.

24. Kids may not think they need limits, but a lack of boundaries sends a signal that the youngster is unworthy of the parents’ time, care, and attention.

25. Kids of all ages respond to praise and encouragement and like to feel appreciated for their contributions.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

26. Let the biological parent remain primarily responsible for discipline until the step-parent has developed solid bonds with the children.

27. Let the children know that you and your ex-partner will continue to love them and be there for them throughout their lives.

28. Limit expectations. You may give a lot of time, energy, love, and affection to your new spouse’s children that will not be returned immediately. Think of it as making small investments that may one day yield a lot of interest.

29. Listen respectfully to one another.

30. Members of your blended family may be at various life stages and have different needs (e.g., adolescents versus preschoolers). They may also be at different stages in accepting this new family. Family members need to understand and honor those differences.

31. Most families have very different ideas about how annual events (e.g., holidays, birthdays, family vacations, etc.) should be spent. Children may feel resentful if they’re forced to go along with someone else’s routine. Try to find some common ground or create new traditions for your blended family.

32. One challenge to creating a cohesive blended family is establishing trust. The kids may feel uncertain about their new family and resist your efforts to get to know them. Learn not to take their lack of enthusiasm personally.

33. Present a unified parenting approach to the kids. Arguing or disagreeing in front of them may encourage them to try to come between you.

34. Set aside time as a couple by making regular dates or meeting for lunch or coffee during school time.

35. Tell the children that your new partner will not be a ‘replacement’ mom or dad, but another person to love and support them.

36. The way a blended family communicates says a lot about the level of trust between family members. When communication is clear, open, and frequent, there are fewer opportunities for misunderstanding and more possibilities for connection, whether it is between parent and youngster, step-parent and step-child, or between step-siblings.

37. Try to spend at least one “quiet time” period with your biological youngster daily. Even in the best of blended families, kids still need to enjoy some “alone time” with each parent.

38. Understand that it isn’t that the children don’t want you to be happy; they just don’t know what it will be like to share their parent with a new partner, let alone his/her children. These feelings are normal.

39. Without the marriage, there is no family. It's harder to take care of the marriage in a blended family because you don't have “couple time” like most first marriages do. You'll have to grow and mature into the marriage while parenting.

40.  Your children or new spouse may put you in a situation where you feel you have to choose between them. Remind them that you want both sets of people in your life.

Conclusion:

If, despite all of your best efforts, your new partner and/or kids are not getting along, find a way to protect and nurture the kids despite the difficult environment. Hopefully, if the children see and feel your emotional support, they will do their best with the situation. 

Know that it might be time to seek outside help from a therapist if a step-parent or parent openly favors one youngster over another, a youngster directs anger upon a particular family member or openly resents a step-parent or parent, or members of the family derive no pleasure from usually enjoyable activities (e.g., school, working, playing, being with friends and family, etc.). It may take some time, but choose a therapist that everyone in your blended family is comfortable with. A good connection with a therapist should result in some positive changes right away. You can obtain referrals from family or friends, mental health associations, provider listing from your insurance company, or your family doctor.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents