The Impact of Divorce on Teenagers: A Closer Look

Divorce, a challenging and often tumultuous life event, can dramatically reshape family dynamics. For teenagers, who are in a critical phase of development as they transition from childhood to adulthood, the consequences of their parents' separation can be particularly impactful. The emotional, social, and academic ramifications can lead to a profound transformation in their lives, and understanding these effects is essential for providing the necessary support.

### Emotional Turmoil

When parents divorce, teenagers often find themselves enveloped in a whirlwind of emotions. Initially, feelings of sadness are common as they grapple with the reality of their family structure changing. Some may experience anger directed at one or both parents, perceiving the divorce as a betrayal or a failure of love. Confusion is also prevalent; teenagers may struggle to make sense of the situation, questioning whether they could have done something to prevent the separation. Anxiety can creep in as they worry about their future, fearing instability and the unknown, and these emotions can lead to a heightened sense of vulnerability as they navigate their formative years.

### Shifts in Family Structure

Divorce typically leads to a significant alteration in the family unit, and for teenagers, this shift can be disorienting. They may find themselves transitioning between two households, each with its own rules and routines, which can create feelings of fragmentation. Some teens struggle with how to divide their time, which can foster resentment or guilt towards one parent for monopolizing time. They may also have to adjust to the introduction of stepparents and stepsiblings, which can contribute to feelings of jealousy or insecurity about their place in the family. This disarray can amplify the stress they’re already feeling, making it difficult to find a sense of stability.

### Academic Disruption

The emotional chaos resulting from divorce can significantly hinder a teenager's academic performance. As they contend with ongoing distress, concentration can become a monumental challenge. Adolescents may experience a drop in grades or may become disengaged, skipping classes or homework due to overwhelming feelings. They could find themselves unable to focus during lessons, their minds preoccupied with familial issues rather than academic pursuits. Such distractions not only impact their present education but can also affect their future prospects, as academic success is often tied to opportunities in higher education and career paths.

### Behavioral Responses

The way teenagers respond to the upheaval of divorce can manifest in various behavioral changes. Some may become noticeably rebellious, acting out against authority figures or engaging in defiance at home or school. Others might withdraw from friends, choosing isolation over social interaction, and displaying signs of depression or anxiety. The pressure of coping with their parents' separation may lead some to seek unhealthy avenues for relief, such as substance use or risky behaviors, which can create even more significant challenges as they navigate their adolescent years.

### Social Dynamics

The social landscape for teenagers can shift dramatically in the wake of a divorce. Friends may struggle to comprehend the complexities of divorce, leaving teens feeling isolated and misunderstood. The stigma associated with family separation can exacerbate feelings of embarrassment, leading some to avoid social gatherings or hide their family situation altogether. This isolation can reduce their support network, leaving them vulnerable at a time when peer relationships are crucial for emotional development.

### Lasting Effects

The effects of divorce during the teenage years are not confined to the present; they can also carry into adulthood. Research indicates that individuals who experience parental divorce in their teenage years may face challenges such as heightened risks of anxiety, depression, and difficulties in sustaining relationships of their own. While these challenges may loom large, it is crucial to recognize that not all teens will experience adverse long-term effects. With effective support systems in place, many can develop resilience and coping strategies that empower them to navigate future challenges.

Research has shown that teenagers who experience divorce are at a heightened risk for various mental health issues. This may stem from feelings of instability and loss of familial unity, which can leave teenagers feeling uncertain about their place in the world. Additionally, the stress of adjusting to new living arrangements, perhaps moving between two households, and the potential conflict between parents can exacerbate these feelings, making it challenging to form a stable emotional foundation.

Furthermore, the impact of divorce on relationship dynamics can follow teens into adulthood. Individuals who have gone through parental divorce may find themselves struggling with trust issues or fear of commitment in their own romantic relationships. This apprehension can manifest as a reluctance to enter long-term partnerships or an inclination to disengage emotionally, leading to cycles of instability in their adult relationships.

However, it is essential to acknowledge that the consequences of parental divorce are not uniformly negative. While some teens may grapple with these challenges, others emerge from the experience with resilience and a deeper understanding of relationships. Effective support systems, whether through family, friends, or counseling, play a crucial role in this process. Providing teenagers with tools to develop coping strategies, fostering open communication, and ensuring a stable environment can significantly mitigate the adverse effects of divorce.

### The Path to Support

To help teenagers manage the emotional toll of divorce, maintaining open and honest communication is vital. Parents should encourage dialogue, allowing teens to express their feelings without fear of judgment. Establishing a safe environment where they can share their thoughts about the divorce can foster healing and growth. Additionally, seeking professional guidance through counseling or therapy can provide teenagers with tools to process their emotions more constructively. Therapists can introduce coping mechanisms and foster resilience, assisting teens in navigating their feelings in a healthy manner.

Furthermore, preserving routines and stability within each household can provide a grounding sense of normalcy amidst the changes. Parents should strive to minimize conflicts in front of their children and reassure them of ongoing support and love from both sides, which can help ease anxiety about the future. Involving teenagers in discussions about family logistics can also empower them, giving them a sense of control over the changes unfolding in their lives.

### Conclusion

The impact of divorce on teenagers is profound, marked by emotional distress, shifts in family dynamics, academic challenges, and alterations in social relationships. Each teenager will experience this period differently, with varying degrees of resilience. By recognizing the complexities involved and providing the necessary support, both parents and caregivers can help teenagers navigate this challenging chapter, equipping them with the skills they need to thrive despite the upheaval in their lives. With love, understanding, and effective coping strategies, many teenagers can emerge from the experience of divorce with renewed strength and adaptability.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Understanding Discipline for Emotionally Dysregulated Teenagers with ASD

Disciplining emotionally dysregulated teenagers is a complex task, often misunderstood. These adolescents grapple with intense emotional responses, impulsive behaviors, and stress management. Navigating their environment becomes a challenge. Effective discipline in this context demands a thoughtful and empathetic approach that fosters understanding, connection, and growth, rather than just enforcing rules.

#### What is Emotional Dysregulation?

Emotional dysregulation is a term that describes the difficulty in managing one’s emotional responses. For teenagers, this can manifest as extreme fluctuations in mood, susceptibility to stress, impulsive behaviors, and challenges in social interactions. These are not just behavioral issues, but real struggles that these teenagers face on a daily basis. Factors contributing to emotional dysregulation can be diverse, including genetic predispositions, mental health challenges such as anxiety disorders or depression, traumatic experiences, or the innate complexities of adolescence.

During this tumultuous developmental phase, adolescents undergo significant changes in their brains—particularly in areas responsible for emotion regulation and impulse control. These biological shifts, combined with increased social pressures, can make it difficult for them to navigate their feelings effectively.

#### The Importance of Understanding

Before embarking on disciplinary measures, it’s essential to delve into the underlying causes of a teenager's emotional dysregulation. The discipline approach needs to pivot from mere punishment to fostering a deeper conversation. This is where empathy and validation play a crucial role, empowering you to connect with the teenager on a deeper level and understand their struggles.

1. **Empathy**: Acknowledge that their feelings, whether frustration, sadness, or anger, are genuine and significant. Simply saying things like, "I can see you’re really upset right now," can validate their emotions and express that it’s okay to feel how they do.

2. **Validation**: Reassure them that it’s okay to experience intense emotions and that everyone struggles sometimes. This helps establish a connection that can lead to more open communication.

#### Building a Foundation of Trust

Creating a solid foundation of trust is critical in managing discipline with emotionally dysregulated teenagers. When teens feel understood and accepted, they are far more likely to respond positively to guidance. Steps to nurture this trust include:

1. **Active Listening**: Dedicate time to truly listen to the teenager’s thoughts and feelings without jumping to conclusions or reacting defensively. Techniques such as summarizing what they’ve shared can signal your genuine engagement.

2. **Consistency**: Be steadfast in your responses and expectations. Inconsistent messaging can lead to confusion and exacerbate emotional distress. For example, if rules change frequently, the teen may feel adrift. Sticking to clear and consistent guidelines helps them feel secure.

3. **Establishing Boundaries**: While it's essential to create a trusting space, it's equally important to set clear boundaries. Well-defined limits provide the teenager with a sense of safety and clarify behavioral expectations, thereby preventing further emotional upheaval.

#### Emotionally-Informed Discipline Strategies

To effectively discipline emotionally dysregulated teens, the focus should evolve from punitive measures towards teaching and growth. Below are strategic approaches that enhance emotional awareness and regulation:

1. **Modeling Emotional Regulation**: Demonstrate healthy emotional responses in stressful situations. For example, if you encounter a problem, verbalize your thought process: “I’m feeling frustrated right now, and I find that taking deep breaths helps me calm down.” Sharing your coping methods fosters a learning environment.

2. **Natural Consequences**: Allow adolescents to face the natural consequences of their actions. If a teen chooses to skip school, let them navigate the repercussions from the school administration instead of imposing additional penalties at home. Experiencing the outcomes of their decisions reinforces accountability.

3. **Restorative Practices**: Implement restorative approaches that emphasize repairing relationships instead of purely punishing inappropriate behaviors. If a conflict arises, guide the teenager to reflect on their actions critically and how it affected others, thus promoting emotional growth and understanding.

4. **Collaborative Problem-Solving**: Encourage the teenager to be part of the solution-finding process when behavioral issues arise. Discussions should include what went wrong, why it happened, and how similar issues can be avoided in the future. This empowers them and hones their conflict resolution skills.

5. **Clear Expectations and Rewards**: Clearly articulate rules and their consequences and associate them with positive reinforcement for good behavior. For instance, if a teen practices self-control during stressful situations, reward them with privileges, like an extra hour of screen time or a special outing.

6. **Teaching Coping Skills**: Equip teens with emotional regulation tools. Teaching techniques for mindfulness, such as meditation or guided visualization, along with strategies for identifying and expressing emotions effectively, can help them manage distressing feelings more constructively.

#### The Role of Professional Support

At times, parents or educators may find it challenging to provide the necessary support for emotionally dysregulated teenagers. Seeking professional help can be a transformative step. Therapists can offer individual or family therapy sessions that focus on developing coping strategies, enhancing emotional intelligence, and addressing any underlying mental health issues.

Specialized therapeutic programs, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), specifically target emotional regulation and provide structured techniques for both the teenager and their family, fostering healthier communication and behavior patterns.

In summary, disciplining emotionally dysregulated teenagers necessitates compassion, patience, and an in-depth understanding of their emotional needs. Transitioning from traditional punitive measures to a more empathetic and cooperative approach allows caregivers to create a supportive environment that promotes emotional growth and resilience. The ultimate aim is not only to enforce rules but to guide teenagers toward becoming emotionally healthy and self-regulated adults capable of navigating life's complexities with confidence and grace. By committing to this process, we can foster a generation of individuals equipped with the skills and understanding to manage their emotions and relationships effectively.

 

 

 

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Teaching Social-Skills and Emotion-Management to Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Understanding the Behavioral Manifestations of a Depressed Teenager

Adolescence is a critical period marked by profound physical, emotional, and social changes. For many teenagers, this is a time of exploration and self-discovery. However, for some, it can also be a time filled with darkness and despair, particularly in the case of depression. Understanding the behavioral manifestations of a depressed teenager is crucial for parents, educators, and peers in order to provide the necessary support and intervention.

 The Nature of Depression in Teenagers

Before exploring specific behaviors, it’s important to understand that depression can manifest differently in adolescents compared to adults. While adults may express their feelings more openly, teenagers often display their emotional struggles through changes in behavior rather than verbal communication. Additionally, hormonal changes and the pressures of adolescence can complicate the identification of depression, as some behaviors might be mistakenly attributed to typical teenage angst.

 Common Behavioral Signs of Depression

1. Withdrawal from Activities: One of the most noticeable signs of depression in teenagers is a withdrawal from activities they once enjoyed. Whether it’s sports, hobbies, or social events, a depressed teen may lose interest in things that used to excite them. This withdrawal can lead to isolation, making it easy for them to feel more alone.

2. Changes in Social Interactions: Along with withdrawal from activities, teenagers may also begin to distance themselves from friends and family. They may become irritable or short-tempered, which can lead to conflicts and abandonment by peers. This social withdrawal can create a vicious cycle, exacerbating feelings of loneliness and sadness.

==> Join Online Parent Support  

3. Academic Decline: A decrease in academic performance is another common behavioral manifestation. Depressed teenagers might struggle with concentration, resulting in lower grades or missed assignments. This decline can generate feelings of inadequacy and further deepen their depressive state.

4. Sleep Disturbances: Changes in sleep patterns can serve as a significant indicator of depression. Some teenagers may experience insomnia, finding it hard to fall asleep or stay asleep, while others may oversleep as a means of escaping their emotional pain. Both conditions can contribute to fatigue, lack of motivation, and cognitive difficulties.

5. Increased Irritability or Anger: Depression does not always present as sadness; in teenagers, it may manifest as irritability or anger. Teens might exhibit uncharacteristic outbursts or become easily frustrated with themselves or others. This change can strain relationships with family and friends, making it difficult for loved ones to recognize the underlying issue.

6. Changes in Appetite or Weight: Depression can significantly impact a teenager's eating habits. Some may lose their appetite and experience weight loss, while others may turn to food for comfort, leading to weight gain. These physical changes can further affect their self-esteem and body image, which are particularly sensitive areas during adolescence.

7. Risky Behavior and Recklessness: Some depressed teens may engage in risky behaviors, such as drug or alcohol use, reckless driving, or unsafe sexual practices. These behaviors often stem from a desire to escape feelings of pain or numbness and can lead to dangerous situations or long-term consequences.

8. Self-Harm: In severe cases, some adolescents may resort to self-harm as a way to cope with emotional pain. This behavior often serves as a release or a form of self-punishment. It is critical for friends and family members to take any signs of self-harm seriously and seek professional help immediately.

==> Join Online Parent Support  

 The Role of Communication

Effective communication is essential in supporting a depressed teenager. Encouraging open dialogue about feelings and experiences can create a safe space for them to express what they are going through. Active listening, without judgment or immediate solutions, can help a depressed teen feel heard and understood.

 Importance of Seeking Professional Help

While understanding and support from family and peers are vital, professional help is often necessary. Mental health professionals can offer therapy and, if needed, medication to help manage depressive symptoms. Early intervention is crucial, as the longer depression goes untreated, the more difficult it can become to address.

In summary, recognizing the behavioral manifestations of depression in teenagers is essential for timely intervention and support. By understanding these signs, caregivers and peers can create a supportive environment that encourages adolescents to seek help. As we continue to discuss and address mental health in our society, it is important to foster understanding and compassion for those who are struggling. Providing the right tools and resources can significantly impact a teenager's recovery journey, helping them navigate through this challenging phase of life.

==> Join Online Parent Support  

Discouraged mom states, "I feel I am always nagging... "

"I would like some guidelines on setting up clear rules. My 15 year old son constantly yells, belittles his younger brother and basically tries to defy or argue when I ask him to anything. He certainly sets the mood for the house. I found it harder to stay in control and feel I am at wits end. He doesnt worry about his appearance and I constantly remind him of basic hygiene. He lacks motivation at school, football relationships at school always seem to be a drama. He seems to be closer to girls and does not seem to be able to form close relationships with boys. Has quit his part time job. Doesnt seem to be passionate about anything. He often tells me how he wants to leave and live with anyone but me. My husband has been ill with Leukaemia and suffers with the complications of the treatment. It has impacted our life for the past three years. Upsets me that he is so angry and not happy. I would like him be responsible for the cleanliness of his room, his appearance and speak nicely and want him to contribute to the family in a loving way. I feel I am always nagging but where is the fine line between letting him just do what he wants. I seem to feed off his anger. I just want to understand R___ and my behaviour and what I can do to help to make this situation better? Appreciate any feed back? If anything, writing helps to clarify my thoughts. kind regards ~ J."

==> Join Online Parent Support 


Hi J.,

Re: My 15 year old son constantly yells, belittles his younger brother and basically tries to defy or argue when I ask him to anything.

Please refer to the page in the eBook [online version – session #3] entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid”. Much of what you are dealing with in this email will be addressed there.

Re: He doesn’t worry about his appearance and I constantly remind him of basic hygiene ...and lack of motivation.

Your child's teenage years can be a difficult time. Teens may feel overwhelmed by the emotional and physical changes they are going through. At the same time, teens may be facing a number of pressures - from friends to fit in and from parents and other adults to do well in school, or activities like sports or part-time jobs.

The teenage years are a time of transition from childhood into adulthood. Teens often struggle with being dependent on their parents while having a strong desire to be independent. They may experiment with new values, ideas, hairstyles and clothing as they try to define who they are. Although this may be uncomfortable for parents, it is a normal part of being a teenager.

Communicating your love for your child is the single most important thing you can do. Children decide how they feel about themselves in large part by how their parents react to them. It is also important to communicate your values and to set expectations and limits, such as insisting on honesty, self-control and respect for others, while still allowing teenagers to have their own space.

Parents of teens often find themselves noticing only the problems, and they may get in the habit of giving mostly negative feedback and criticism. Although teens need feedback, they respond better when it is given positively and spoken with love.

Praising appropriate behavior can help your teen feel a sense of accomplishment and reinforce your family's values.

Teens, especially those with low self-esteem or with family problems, are at risk for a number of self-destructive behaviors such as using drugs or alcohol or having unprotected sex. Depression and eating disorders are also important issues for teens.

The following may be warning signs that your child is having a problem:

· Agitated or restless behavior
· Drop in grades
· Fatigue, loss of energy and lack of interest in activities
· Lack of motivation
· Low self-esteem
· Not caring about people and things
· Ongoing feelings of sadness
· Poor hygiene
· Trouble concentrating
· Trouble falling asleep
· Weight loss or weight gain

If you suspect there is a problem, ask your teen about what is bothering him or her. And then listen.

Don't ignore a problem in the hopes that it will go away. It is easier to cope with problems when they are small. This also gives you and your teen the opportunity to learn how to work through problems together.

Again, please refer to Session #3. I think that session really applies here.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Join Online Parent Support

When Your Teenager Refuses to Get Out of Bed On Shool Days

"What is done in a case where my teenage son (16 years old) will not get out of bed for either school or work without a huge fight everyday?"

Adolescents are notorious for staying up late at night and being hard to awaken in the morning. Your adolescent is probably no exception, but it's not necessarily because he is lazy or contrary. This behavior pattern actually has a physical cause — and there are ways to help mesh your adolescent's sleep schedule with that of the rest of the world.

Everyone has an internal clock that influences body temperature, sleep cycles, appetite and hormonal changes. The biological and psychological processes that follow the cycle of this 24-hour internal clock are called circadian rhythms. Before adolescence, these circadian rhythms direct most kids to naturally fall asleep around 8 or 9 p.m. But puberty changes an adolescent's internal clock, delaying the time he or she starts feeling sleepy — often until 11 p.m. or later. Staying up late to study or socialize can disrupt an adolescent's internal clock even more.

Most adolescents need about nine hours of sleep a night — and sometimes more — to maintain optimal daytime alertness. But few adolescents actually get that much sleep regularly, thanks to part-time jobs, homework, extracurricular activities, social demands and early-morning classes. More than 90 percent of adolescents in a recent study reported sleeping less than the recommended nine hours a night. In the same study, 10 percent of adolescents reported sleeping less than six hours a night.

Irritability aside, sleep deprivation can have serious consequences. Daytime sleepiness makes it difficult to concentrate and learn, or even stay awake in class. Too little sleep may contribute to mood swings and behavioral problems. And sleepy adolescents who get behind the wheel may cause serious — even deadly — accidents.

Catching up on sleep during the weekends seems like a logical solution to adolescent sleep problems, but it doesn't help much. In fact, sleeping in can confuse your adolescent's internal clock even more. A forced early bedtime may backfire, too. If your adolescent goes to bed too early, he may only lie awake for hours.

So what can you do? Don't assume that your adolescent is at the mercy of his internal clock. Take action tonight!

• Stick to a schedule. Tough as it may be, encourage your adolescent to go to bed and get up at the same time every day — even on weekends. Prioritize extracurricular activities and curb late-night social time as needed. If your adolescent has a job, limit working hours to no more than 16 to 20 hours a week.
• Nix long naps. If your adolescent is drowsy during the day, a 30-minute nap after school may be refreshing. But too much daytime shut-eye may only make it harder to fall asleep at night.
• Keep it calm. Encourage your adolescent to wind down at night with a warm shower, a book or other relaxing activities — and avoid vigorous exercise, loud music, video games, text messaging, Web surfing and other stimulating activities shortly before bedtime. Take the TV out of your adolescent's room, or keep it off at night. The same goes for your adolescent's cell phone and computer.
• Curb the caffeine. A jolt of caffeine may help your adolescent stay awake during class, but the effects are fleeting. And too much caffeine can interfere with a good night's sleep.
• Adjust the lighting. As bedtime approaches, dim the lights. Turn the lights off during sleep. In the morning, expose your adolescent to bright light. These simple cues can help signal when it's time to sleep and when it's time to wake up.

Sleeping pills and other medications generally aren't recommended for adolescents.

In some cases, excessive daytime sleepiness can be a sign of something more than a problem with your adolescent's internal clock. Other problems can include:

• Depression: Sleeping too much or too little is a common sign of depression.
• Insomnia or biological clock disturbance. If your adolescent has trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, he or she is likely to struggle with daytime sleepiness.
• Medication side effects: Many medications — including over-the-counter cold and allergy medications and prescription medications to treat depression and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder — can affect sleep.
• Narcolepsy: Sudden daytime sleep, usually for only short periods of time, can be a sign of narcolepsy. Narcoleptic episodes can occur at any time — even in the middle of a conversation. Sudden attacks of muscle weakness in response to emotions such as laughter, anger or surprise are possible, too.
• Obstructive sleep apnea: When throat muscles fall slack during sleep, they stop air from moving freely through the nose and windpipe. This can interfere with breathing and disrupt sleep.
• Restless legs syndrome: This condition causes a "creepy" sensation in the legs and an irresistible urge to move the legs, usually shortly after going to bed. The discomfort and movement can interrupt sleep.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What To Do When Your Teenager Becomes Verbally Abusive

Mark, Thanks for your prompt response, the most pressing for now is for him not to be very loud and verbally abusive at home (FYI-My son is 6 ft tall and I'm 5"3. and it is very intimidating at times). Also, I want him to be self-reliant. I totally get your topic on that. We've very sensible about that until 2 yrs ago that I was a bit indulgent with them. I guess I was over compensating for the loss of their father and I put that to an end and explained to them our priorities.

My question Mark with your experience, do I have a chance to turn him around? Every counselor that I consulted, their advise is for him to go to counseling, w/o telling me how to effectively convince him how can I persuade him without being controlling and he thinks kids who go to counseling have head problem. I just want him to be responsible and accountable for his actions. Gratefully, C.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aggression or violence towards moms and dads (or other family members) by their kids or adolescents is more common than most people believe and it is something that is usually not talked about. It can involve abusive language, frightening, threatening or physically hurting a parent (pushing, shoving, kicking, throwing things), hurting pets, damaging furniture and property, or threatening with knives or weapons. Whether it is a one-off incident or ongoing, it must be dealt with.

Kids may be aggressive towards moms and dads for a number of reasons. None of the following reasons excuse violent or aggressive behavior, but they may help moms and dads understand why some kids, especially adolescents do it:

• Drugs or alcohol, the loss of a job or a broken relationship can all be triggers that lead to violence.
• They do not know of any other way to solve problems or get what they want (lashing out at someone or something is all they know).
• They have grown up in a household where they have seen adults (sometimes moms and dads or partners) being angry, and using violence towards them or others (this behavior is seen as normal in their eyes).
• They have not learned how to control or manage their feelings, especially angry ones and so just act out without using any self discipline.
• They have not learned to value or respect other people or their property.
• They may be going through a really difficult time and cannot cope with the stresses in their own lives.
• They may have a disability and have not been able to learn other ways of behaving.
• They may have an acute mental illness and be very frightened.
• They may have used drugs that can trigger an acute psychosis and violent behavior.
• They see the parent as weak and powerless (it is often the mother), or they think that this is how women can be treated.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

 

Most moms and dads whose kids attack them in this way can feel very scared, very powerless, lonely, sometimes embarrassed, ashamed and guilty. They feel they have lost control in the home.

• Although taking a tough stand can be difficult it is very important to do. When a teenager is violent toward a parent, no matter how much she might excuse her behavior ("it was really mum's fault, she pushed me to it") she can never feel all right about it. If she is never made to stop, she will probably repeat the same pattern in other relationships or in the work place. It will continue to cause problems in her life and can even lead to problems with the law unless she is stopped and can learn other ways to deal with her anger.

• Be prepared to make some tough decisions, even though your confidence feels shattered.

• Decide on your 'bottom line'. You need to be very clear and carry out what you have said will happen when he has overstepped this line. This may mean your teenager leaves your home either by agreement or by using the police and/or a restraining order. You may find this very hard to do. Get support from someone who understands.

• If the behavior is out of character for your teenager and has started only recently, think about what else may have happened or changed lately. For example, has anyone new had contact with your family recently or have there been changes in the family or with his friends? Has anything happened in these relationships? Is your teenager depressed? See the topic 'Teenage depression'. Has your teenager been taking drugs?

• If your other kids are being harmed in any way by your teenager, you must do something to protect them.

• Look at the situation from your teenager's point of view, no matter how unreasonable it seems. Think about how your behavior (from his point of view) might be contributing to the situation (even if you don't think it could be).

• Notice what your teenager does well and talk to him about it. Adolescents especially do not need reminders of their failures.

• Remember that whatever has happened in your relationship with your teenager, there is no excuse for violence.

• Spend some time supporting what he likes doing if he will let you, eg watching him play sport or listening to his music.

• Taking a tough stand helps to force your youngster to face his violence - he then has the chance to learn other ways of dealing with anger.

• Think about what happens as a fight brews. What are the warning signs? When these signs are present, make sure you separate from each other (you may have to leave the house). If so, take your younger kids with you so they don't become the victims of violence. Talk about concerns only when you are both calm.

• Think about your favorite image of your teenager. Do you still think of her as she was when she was little? You may need to come to grips with the fact that she is no longer a youngster.

• Think what the fights are most often about. Work out what things you are not prepared to move your position on, what ones you are prepared to give way on and what you can leave for your teenager to sort out.

• You need to take some control in your home. You may not be able to change or stop your teenager's behavior, but you can take a stand for what you are prepared to put up with in your home. This is important especially if there are younger kids who may feel frightened and need your help to feel safe.

Violence towards moms and dads or other family members is unacceptable and is recognized by the police as a crime. It is very difficult to make the decision to call the police and possibly have your youngster charged, but you need to keep yourself and others safe.

• You are likely to feel guilt, anger, sadness and fear.
• You may feel that you are betraying your youngster and that this will put his or her future at risk.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

 

Calling the police can help to calm the situation, support you to regain control and begin to rebuild a respectful relationship with your youngster.

What will happen? The police can help to calm an explosive situation or protect other family members. They will give advice and ask what action you want taken, if any.

What action can they take? If you would like the police to take further action the young person will be taken for a formal interview at the nearest police station. The police can the deal with the young person by:

• Arranging a family conference

• Issuing a formal caution

• Issuing an informal caution

• Proceeding through the Youth Court

If the offense is serious the young person can be arrested and taken into custody.

• Kids under 10 years cannot be charged, but police can still be called for assistance and advice.

• If the young person is between 10 and 18 years old, cases are handled within the Juvenile Justice system. The court will decide upon appropriate action if it determined that a crime has occurred. However this information will not be released when a criminal history is requested (eg by an employer).

• If you do not want to take action, police keep the matter on file and it can be followed up at a later time.

• Young people over 18 are considered adults and would be dealt with through the Magistrates Court. If convicted this would be recorded as part of a criminal history and will be released if a criminal history is requested. (An employer can only get a criminal history record if the person agrees to this, but not agreeing may affect employment opportunities).

Regardless of the future impact on your youngster it is important to take action to ensure the safety of yourself and other family members - you all have the right to feel safe.

Summary—

• Call the police is you or others in your family are at risk.
• Deal with this problem... it won't go away.
• Decide on your bottom line, make it known in advance, mean it and carry it out.
• Find out what works for other people.
• Look after your self esteem... you may feel you have lost it altogether or it needs repairing.
• Speak to someone who understands this sort of behavior and who can support you.
• Take some control.... for the sake of yourself, your teenager and your other kids.
• You can love your youngster but you do not have to put up with all his behavior.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When Your Daughter Dates a Boy with a Bad Reputation

Hi Mark,

It's been awhile since I've had to email you. Thanks to your program, things have improved greatly in our home. We are experiencing some more difficulty at the moment and my husband and I are confused on how to handle the situation and would like your opinion. I will try to explain the situation as briefly as possible.

Our daughter is 16. Last year was a difficult year. My daughter was disrespectful at home and at school. She had social problems at school and was involved in some fighting. Her grades suffered. This year our relationships at home have improved greatly. She is trying hard to control her anger because she sees it gets her nowhere (thanks to your program and the "poker face" tip). She is still struggling academically, but there is less drama at school. She is respectful to her teachers and has been trying hard not to get in fights with her peers. Because of your tip on using an online monitoring program I have been able to keep track of what she is up to. She has not been perfect by any means, but for the most part she is staying out of trouble and I must say it appears that she is mostly honest with us. I heard her make the comment the other day "my parents always find out everything, it is so annoying". But she said it light heartedly.

Here is our current problem. In December, she started "dating" a 19yr.old boy. This boy does not have a good reputation. He has been in trouble with the law. Just this week he was arrested twice for getting into fights. Of course, our daughter swears they were not his fault. I've been told that the boy is somewhat mentally handicapped and is teased about being "stupid". My oldest son has confirmed that this is true but says the boy does not know when to shut up and is constantly getting in fights and getting beat up. We were leery of her dating him to begin with and should have put a stop to it immediately, but because her behavior has been so much better, we did not. She is never with him when these incidents occur. In fact, she is only allowed to see him when she is supervised. After this last incident, we decided we do not want her to see him at all. We told her that even though he is good to her, the fact that he has a violent part to him could put her in danger. For two hours last night and two more hours today, she has been in a rage using every tactic she could to get us to change our mind. I wasn't sure whether to call the police or take her straight to the hospital. She threatened to run away and to kill herself. She admits that she is very depressed and will go for help- but only if we allow her to see him.

This is what I proposed to her:

• She could see him one time during the week and that would be Sunday. We would pick him up and they would both go to church with us and then he could spend the afternoon.

• She can talk to him on the phone.

• She has to show us some improvement in her school work.

• She must agree to some counseling to help her with her depression and her obsession with having a boyfriend.

• He would have to stay out of trouble.

Are we crazy for even considering this???? I have to say, I don't know him very well at all and am not sure I want him around our family. But as a Christian I feel we need to give him a chance and maybe make a difference in his life. Everyone else thinks we're nuts.

Thank you for taking the time to give us your opinion. We don't know where else to turn.

Sincerely,

AJ

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Re: Are we crazy for even considering this????

Not at all. I think you are largely on track. Congrats!

As parents, we are not very comfortable not knowing what is going on in our teenager’s life. But as your daughter starts to date, you will need to take a step back and not try to know ‘everything’. You may at first have a hard time and feel like something is wrong. That is normal – your parenting role is changing. Change always feels awkward at first. On the other hand, your daughter may want to chat about the experience. She may have some questions to ask. If so, make yourself available. But remember to try not to ‘read into’ any of the questions and begin prying.

All parents dread the day when their son or daughter comes home with a new love interest. There will be many relationships that you know will not work out. And while you might be tempted to share your opinion with your daughter, I would suggest you didn’t.

One point I can’t stress enough is to never tell your daughter you disapprove of her boyfriend. This will only make her that much more attracted to him. If she asks your opinion, you can say that the boy isn’t the person you would have chosen for her, but it’s her life and she has to figure that out for herself.

If you keep telling her how bad of a person her boyfriend is, he could turn out to be your son-in-law. I know this from firsthand experience. My wife hated my daughter’s high school boyfriend - even forbid her from seeing him. All this did was make her want to see him even more. At one point my daughter said to me, “When my boyfriend and I would have disagreements, I would not see that the relationship wasn’t working. I would only see that I had to make it work to keep mom from knowing she was right about him all along.”

You have a Romeo & Juliet phenomenon on your hands that will need to be diffused (if not, they will work harder at sneaking rendezvous behind your back).

Unfortunately, if your daughter wants to be with someone -- she'll find a way, no matter what you say or do. Parents can only guide their children in the right direction and hope for the best. If they do a good job, their children will make the right decision all on their own.

Since you will not be successful at keeping those two apart, you must adopt a philosophy of “if you can’t beat ‘em - join ‘em.” In other words, they should be able to see one another within limits, and you decide what those limits are. And it sounds like you have already decided on some very appropriate limits.

Good work,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Daughter is Angry with Mother Most of the Time

My 13 year old daughter is angry at me most of the time. It is hard to say anything to her without her snarkyness "don't talk to me" or "I know" ect. I never know if I should let it pass or jump on it. Then later she will ask rather nicely if she can go to a friends. Do I say "no" now because of the earlier rudeness that I endured BUT did not act on at the time? Week 2 is hard. So many issues and hard to pick where and what battles to tackle in the heap.

Also, her 16year old sister is so "good". This builds a lot of resentment with my 13year old. She wonders why all these rules only seem to apply to her. She always says we favor her sister. Her sister does what she is suppose to without problem. She is pleasant and works hard at school. I don't know what to say to my 13 year old about why only she had to have all these extra chores and rules.

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Teen anger takes many forms. It may be expressed as indignation and resentment, or rage and fury. It is the expression of teenage anger, the behavior that we see. Some teens may repress their anger and withdraw; others may be more defiant and destroy property.

They will continue their behavior, or it may escalate, until they decide to look within themselves to the roots of their anger. But teenage anger is a feeling, an emotion, not a behavior. And anger is usually caused by something going on in a teen's life.

Teen anger can be a frightening emotion for the teen and for the parents, but it is not inherently harmful. Its negative expressions can include physical and verbal violence, prejudice, malicious gossip, antisocial behavior, sarcasm, addictions, withdrawal, and psychosomatic disorders. These negative expressions of teenage anger can devastate lives, destroying relationships, harming others, disrupting work, clouding effective thinking, affecting physical health, and ruining futures.

But, there is a positive aspect to such expression, as it can show others that a problem exists. Teenage anger is usually a secondary emotion brought on by fear. It can motivate us to resolve those things that are not working in our lives and help us face our issues and deal with the underlying reasons for the anger, specifically things such as:

• Abuse

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Grief

• Alcohol or substance abuse

• Trauma

Teens face a lot of emotional issues during this period of development. They're faced with questions of identity, separation, relationships, and purpose. The relationship between teens and their parents is also changing as teens become more and more independent. Parents often have a difficult time dealing with their teen's new-found independence. And it can bring up issues of the parents' own anger.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

This can bring about frustration and confusion that can lead to anger and a pattern of reactive behavior for both parents and teens. That is, teens are simply negatively reacting to their parent's behaviors, and parents react back in an equally negative manner.

This sets up a self-reinforcing pattern of interaction. Unless we work to change our own behavior, we cannot help another change theirs. We need to respond rather than react to each other and to situations. The intention is not to deny the anger, but to control that emotion and find a way to express it in a productive or at least, a less harmful, manner.

Teens dealing with anger can ask these questions of themselves to help bring about greater self-awareness:

• Where does this anger come from?
• What situations bring out this feeling of anger?
• Do my thoughts begin with absolutes such as "must," "should," "never?”
• Are my expectations unreasonable?
• What unresolved conflict am I facing?
• Am I reacting to hurt, loss, or fear?
• Am I aware of anger's physical signals (e.g., clenching fists, shortness of breath, sweating)?
• How do I choose to express my anger?
• To whom or what is my anger directed?
• Am I using anger as a way to isolate myself, or as a way to intimidate others?
• Am I communicating effectively?
• Am I focusing on what has been done to me rather than what I can do?
• How am I accountable for what I'm feeling?
• How am I accountable for how my anger shows up?
• Do my emotions control me, or do I control my emotions?

So what can teens and parents do? Listen to your teen and focus on feelings. Try to understand the situation from his or her perspective. Blaming and accusing only builds up more walls and ends all communication. Tell them how you feel, stick to facts, and deal with the present moment.

Show that you care and show your love. Work towards a solution where everyone gets something, and therefore feels okay about the resolution. Remember that anger is the feeling and behavior is the choice.

RE: "Do I say 'no' now because of the earlier rudeness that I endured BUT did not act on at the time?"  Only if you've told her ahead of time that backtalk and rude comments result in withheld privileges.

RE: "This builds a lot of resentment with my 13year old."  Click here for information on sibling rivalry

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Father Lets Son Get Away With Bad Behavior

Question:

I have a 14 year old son, and we always seem to be angry with each other. I try to be patient, but whatever I do seems to annoy him and vice versa. My husband takes a different approach than me, and this also causes conflict between us as he lets our son get away with bad behaviour by ignoring it. If our son is rude to me, he doesn't say anything, he just says that I should deal with it. What can I do?

Answer:

I believe you have mentioned 3 issues here:

1. anger control problems (between parent and child & between wife and husband)

2. father uses an indulgent parenting style

3. husband and wife are not united and bonded on some issues

Let’s look at each one in turn...

Re: anger control –

Power struggles can create frustration, anger and resentment on the part of the parent and the out-of-control kid. Resentment can cause a further breakdown of communication until it seems as if all you do is argue with your out-of-control kid.

In order to end such arguments, it must be the parent that begins to take charge in a positive way. However, the most effective step, to simply stop arguing, can also be the most difficult. It sounds quite simple, just stop arguing, but in reality, it takes discipline and effort to change the pattern of behavior. By refusing to participate in the argument, the power of the out-of-control kid disappears. The out-of-control kid only continues to have power over you if you allow them to.

To stop the power struggle, prepare yourself ahead of time. Sit down, after your out-of-control kid is in bed for the night and it is quiet, and make a list of the times that you most often argue. Is it getting ready for school, doing homework, completing chores, getting ready for bed, etc? For each situation, determine a few choices that you can give your kid.

When preparing the choices, make sure to list only those that you are willing to carry out. If you are not willing to pick up your out-of-control kids and bring them to school in their pajamas, don’t threaten to or they will know that they still have control of the situation. Once you have decided on the choices you will give your out-of-control kid, stick to them and practice your self-control to not yell. Walk away, leave the room, and wait outside if you have to. But an argument can only happen if there is more than one person. With just one person, it is simply a temper tantrum.

Re: indulgent parenting style –

Parenting style has two elements: sensitivity and strictness. Sensitivity refers to the extent to which parents provide warmth and supportiveness. Strictness refers to the extent to which parents provide supervision and discipline.

Categorizing parents according to whether they are high or low on strictness and sensitivity creates four parenting styles:

· Indulgent

· Authoritarian

· Uninvolved

· Assertive

Indulgent parents are more sensitive than they are strict. Children of these parents tend to have high self-esteem, but low motivation (e.g., perform poorly at school, do few if any chores). Also, they are more likely to have behavioral problems at home and school.

Authoritarian parents are very strict, but not very sensitive. Children of these parents tend to have high motivation (e.g., do well in school, do chores at home), but have very low self-esteem. They also have poorer social skills and higher levels of depression.

Uninvolved parents are low in both sensitivity and strictness. Children of these parents tend to have both low motivation and low self-esteem.

Assertive parents are both strict and sensitive. Children of these parents tend to have both high motivation and high self-esteem.

Thus, it might be in your husband’s best interest to adopt a more assertive parenting style -- for his son’s benefit!!

Re: not being united and bonded –

When mom and dad are not on the same page with their parenting strategies, several negative outcomes result:

1. One parent is forced into playing the role of the “bad guy” (this is probably you mom).

2. The child is always able to play one parent against the other (e.g., if he gets a “no” from the more assertive parent, he will go to the indulgent parent to get a “yes”).

3. The child is always able to convince the indulgent parent that the more assertive parent is “mistreating” him.

4. Due to the above outcomes, resentment builds in the more assertive parent, thus creating tension between husband and wife.

Thus, it will be important for you and your husband to sit down together and come up with a united plan. A weaker plan supported by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one. When husband and wife do not develop a united front, it is often the kiss of failure (i.e., the child continues to suffer emotional and behavioral problems).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Help for Low-Frustration Tolerance in Defiant Teens

Hi Mark,

I was wanting to ask you how we best handle A___'s outbursts of rage and verbal abuse when she is frustrated. She asks for help with a problem (i.e., wrapping a parcel to set up a shop for a game this morning, then refuses to listen to the help to get the parcel wrapped, then starts to scream and abuse us for offering "stupid" help then rips up the paper, throws the sticky tape on the floor and storms off screaming and slamming the doors as she goes). She is then not able to calm herself down for ages and sulks like a 2 year old and this scenario goes on almost every time she can't do something and asks for help. We encourage her and try to get her to do it herself and praise her (on the extremely rare occasion she listens and succeeds) but this just goes on and on and can ruin a whole weekend as it has done yesterday and today.

Thanks Mark,

L.

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Hi L.,

What you’re dealing with here is “low-frustration tolerance” (a classic symptom of an over-indulged child). Your daughter gets frustrated …then you seem to get frustrated at her for being frustrated. We all want life to be organized according to our preferences. This surely makes sense! What then is the problem? Unfortunately, we often go beyond just wanting - we believe that things must be our way. This reflects a human tendency called low frustration-tolerance.

I suspect that this tendency is one of the most common, underlying causes of distress in human beings. Paradoxically, it seems to be the one of which people are most unconscious! Low frustration-tolerance arises from believing that frustration is unbearable, and therefore must be avoided at all costs.

Low frustration-tolerance is caused by catastrophizing about being frustrated and demanding that it not happen. It is based on beliefs like:

• ‘It is intolerable to be frustrated, so I must avoid it at all costs.’
• ‘Other people should not do things that frustrate me.’
• ‘The world owes me contentment and happiness.’
• ‘Things should be as I want them to be, and I can’t stand it when they are not.’

Low frustration-tolerance is closely related to low discomfort-tolerance, which arises from catastrophizing about discomfort (including the discomfort of negative emotions), with an internal demand that it be avoided. The two types are similar and closely related. Frustration is uncomfortable, and discomfort is frustrating. Often one expression is used to refer to both types.

Low frustration-tolerance arises from demands that things be as we want, usually coupled with awfulizing and discomfort-intolerance when this does not happen.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Low frustration-tolerance creates distress in many ways:

• Addictive tendencies. Low frustration-tolerance is a key factor in the development of addictions. To resist the impulse of the moment and go without is ‘too frustrating’. It seems easier to give in to the urge to misuse alcohol, take drugs, gamble, or exercise obsessively.
• Anger. Low frustration-tolerance leads to hostile anger when someone does something you dislike, or fails to give you what you want.
• Anxiety results when people believe that they should - or must - get what they want (and not get what they don’t want), and that it is awful and unbearable (rather than merely inconvenient or disadvantageous) when things don’t happen, as they ‘must’.
• Negativity and complaining. Low frustration-tolerance may cause you to become distressed over small hindrances and setbacks, overly concerned with unfairness, and prone to make comparisons between your own and others’ circumstances. Negativity tends to alienate others, with the loss of their support.
• Short-range enjoyment (a common human tendency) is the seeking of immediate pleasure or avoidance of pain at the cost of long-term stress. Examples include such things as alcohol, drug and food abuse; watching television at the expense of exercising; practicing unsafe sex; or overspending to avoid feeling deprived.

High frustration-tolerance means accepting the reality of frustration and keeping its "badness" in perspective. To accept frustration is to acknowledge that, while you may dislike it, there is no Law of the Universe that says you ‘should’ be exempt from it (though you may prefer to be). You expect to experience appropriate negative emotions like annoyance and disappointment. But you avoid exaggerating these emotions (by telling yourself you can’t stand them) into depression, hostile anger, hurt, or self-pity.

Frustration-intolerance Thinking Errors—

· “Because I can’t stand being frustrated, I must avoid it at all costs.”

· “I can’t stand it when people don’t act as they should.”

· “It is awful and intolerable to be frustrated from having things the way I want.”

· “My circumstances have to be right for life to be tolerable.”

 Realistic Thinking—

· “I don’t like it, but I can survive it - and survive better when I don’t lose my cool over it.”

· “If I tell myself that frustration is awful, I’ll only set myself up to get anxious when I think it's coming - and bitter and twisted when it does happen.”

· “It is disappointing when things aren’t the way I’d like them to be, but it is not awful — and I can stand less than the ideal.”

· “Total avoidance would mean a very restricted life. Though I don’t like frustration, I can tolerate it.”

How to raise your tolerance for frustration:

• A useful technique is rational self-analysis. Analyze your frustration - while you are feeling it, if possible, otherwise, as soon as possible afterwards.
• Know when you are engaging in low frustration-tolerance behavior. Keep a log of such behavior for several weeks or longer. Watch for things like overusing drugs or alcohol, compulsive gambling, shopping, exercising, bingeing on food, or losing your temper.
• The technique of exposure is an important way to increase your tolerance. Make a list of things to which you typically overreact -- situations, events, risks and so on. Commit yourself to face at least one of these each day. Instead of trying to get away from the frustration, as you normally would, stay with the frustration until it diminishes of its own accord. You might, for instance, go without desserts for a while, have two beers instead of four, leave the children's toys on the floor, or the like.

Good luck!

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


Parent's Comment: "I guess we could all do with looking at ourselves and trying to keep our own frustration levels a little lower. Your emails are a great leveler and very informative. My husband says you deserve a knighthood for the work you do and the depth and completeness of your email replies! Thanks again until the next time...!"

When Your Teenage Daughter Runs Away From Home

Hi Mark,

I’m sure you’ve heard it all before when it comes to teens etc everything you state in you initial page about teens and their out of control behaviour really does apply to my 15 year old girl…. And I do mean ALL of it. So thank you firstly for being a point of contact and believe me that I will do everything to gain more knowledge and power within my own family unit to enable my daughter to be able to make better choices in her life.

One question I do have is concerning persistent runaways – my 15 year old has runaway from home 5 times we had the police, authorities and even the school involved with trying to “help” her but to no avail, after the fourth time I ended up packing up and moving 1400 km away from everything we had known even becoming separated from her father (who she initially blamed for running away) thinking that a fresh start would help – obviously this hasn’t helped as the initial problem is still there (now she admits that it wasn’t anything to do with her father) and has not been dealt with effectively….

After only 5 weeks of being here, she is fighting with a few of her 'friends' – has had ignored my 'consequence' of not being able to go and stay over at her friends house for her continued violent and aggressive behaviour, instead smashed up her room, cussed as me with a fair few profanities and simply walked out stealing money and cigarettes on the way out!

I have not on this occasion contacted the police as I have previous times, instead I issued an ultimatum via text message (she wont answer my calls) that if she did not return by 6.30pm then the police would be called. She texted back to say she was fine and will return home in 2 days when she’s calmed down!!! I issued the ultimatum again…… and left it – as I say needless to say she has not returned and I have not contacted the police yet. The question is how do I deal with her on her return?????????

I need to get this right from the very start.

Thank you

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Hi L.,

Teens run for a multitude of reasons:

1. To avoid an emotional experience or consequence that they are expecting as a result of a parental, sibling, friend or romantic relationship/situation.
2. To be with other people such as friends or relatives who are supportive, encouraging and active in ways they feel are missing from their lives.
3. To change or stop what they are doing or about to do.
4. To escape a recurring or ongoing painful or difficult experience in their home, school or work life.
5. To find companionship or activity in places that distract them from other problems they are dealing with.
6. To keep from losing privileges to activities, relationships, friendships or any other things considered important or worthwhile.

As parents or guardians we strive to create positive, loving households in order to raise respectful, successful and happy adults. In order to achieve this, rules must be put in place. Teens who run away from home are often crying for attention. Some teens will attempt to run away just once, after an unusually heated argument or situation in the household, and return shortly after. More serious cases, however, happen with teens in extreme emotional turmoil.

Parents also need to be extremely aware of the symptoms, warning signs and dangers of teenage depression. Far too many teens are suffering from this disease and going untreated. Often, runaways feel they have no other choice but to leave their home, and this is in many cases related to their feelings of sadness, anger and frustration due to depression.

There are many causes of depression, and every child, regardless of social status, race, age or gender is at risk. Be aware and be understanding. To an adult juggling family and career, it may seem that a young teenager has nothing to be "depressed" about! Work for a mutual communication between the two of you. The more your teenager can confide his/her daily problems and concerns, the more you can have a positive and helpful interaction before the problems overwhelm them.

Teens who become runaways will have shown symptoms and warning signs prior to running away. Knowing these signs is the first step to prevention; the second is learning how to prevent symptoms all together. Communication is KEY!

Suggestions for preventative conversation:

1. Always use direct eye contact when speaking.
2. Anger is difficult to subside. However, it is important to never raise your voice or yell/scream at your teen, especially when they are already doing so. A battle of strength doesn't get anyone anywhere.
3. If both parents are involved in the conversation, it is very important to take turns, rather than gang up on your teen together. Make sure each parent allows time for your teen to speak in between.
4. If your teen is demanding or threatening you, be sure to get professional advice or help from a qualified mental health professional.
5. Keep a calm demeanor and insist that your teen does as well. Do not respond to their anger, but instead, wait until they are calm.
6. Keep in mind that it is possible to agree with your teen, without doing whatever they want you to. For example, you might agree that there are little differences between 17 year-olds and 21 year-olds, but that doesn't mean you agree with having a party serving alcohol at your house.
7. Let's say you are sure you understand your teen's point of view and they understand you understand. If you still don't agree with their statement, tell your teen "I think I understand, but I do not agree. I want to think we can understand each other, but we don't have to agree."
8. Make sure that you comprehend what your teen is saying, and when you do, let them know. Simply stating "I understand" can go a long way to making your teen feel as though you are respecting their feelings and thoughts, as well as taking them in to consideration.
9. NEVER interrupt your teenager when they are speaking or trying to explain their feelings or thoughts. Even if you completely disagree, it is important to wait until they have finished. Keep in mind that just listening and using the words "I understand" does not mean that you agree or will do what they want.
10. Never use threats or dare your teen to run away, even if you think they wouldn't do it.
11. Refrain from using sarcasm or negativity that may come off as disrespect for your teen.
12. Take a break if you get too overwhelmed or upset to continue the conversation with a calm attitude.
13. Talk less, slower, and use fewer words than your teen.
14. Under no circumstances should you use derogatory names, labels or titles such as liar, childish, immature, untrustworthy, cruel, stupid, ignorant, punk, thief or brat. Continue to be respectful of your teen, even if they have been disrespectful to you.
15. When your teen has finished speaking, ask politely if they have anything else they'd like to talk about or share with you.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When parents begin to implement appropriate discipline for broken house rules, some children may respond by threatening to runaway from home if they do not get their way. If this occurs, defuse the situation, but do NOT threaten or challenge your child.

For example: Daughter, you know that I cannot control you. And if you really want to run away from home, I cannot stop you. I cannot watch you 24 hours a day, and I can’t lock you up in the house. But no one in the world loves you the way I do. That is why we have established these house rules. Because I love you, I cannot stand by and watch you hurt yourself by _______________ (e.g., not going to school, using drugs or alcohol, destroying house property), and running away from home will not solve the problem. You and I know it will only make matters worse.

Teens who run away are not bad. They have made a bad decision. They got themselves caught up in pressures that they felt the need to escape from. Instead of facing their problem and solving it, they chose to run from it. We need to teach our teen how to face their problems, even if the problem is us. When they have the right tools to fix some of the things that may be going on in their lives, the pressure lessens, and there is no more need for them to escape.

Every teen either has tried or knows another teen who has run away. I haven't met a teen yet who didn't know of someone's experience of running away. This can be a real problem, considering most teens will glamorize the experience.

Parents of teens who run away are not bad parents. You cannot lock them in. As much as you would like to build a wall around them, it is their choice whether or not to walk out the door.

If your teens runs:

1. Call the Police, IMMEDIATELY! Don't wait 24 hours, do it right away.
2. Get the name and badge number of the officer you speak with.
3. Call back often.
4. Call everyone your child knows and enlist their help.
5. Search everywhere, but do not leave your phone unattended.
6. Search your teen’s room for anything that may give you a clue as to where he went.
7. You may also want to check your phone bill for any calls they may have made recently.

When your teen comes home:

1. Take a break from each other. Do not start talking about it right away. Your emotions are too high at this point to get anywhere in a conversation. Go two separate directions until you both have gotten some rest.
2. Ask and Listen. Why did they leave? You may want to evaluate a rule or two after speaking with them, but do not do so while having this talk. Tell them you are willing to think about it, and you will let them know.
3. Tell them how you felt about them going. Let them know that they hurt you by leaving. Let them know that there isn't a problem that can't solve. If they ever feel that running away might solve something, have them talk to you first. You could always offer other choices, so they can make a better decision.
4. Get some help. If this isn't the first time or you have problems communicating when they get back, it's time to ask for help. This could be a person that your child respects (e.g., an aunt or uncle), or you may want to seek professional help.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

 

 ==> Click here for more parenting advice on how to deal with teen rebellion...

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents