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Family meetings help busy families stay connected, improve communication, self-esteem, emotional support and problem solving. Another advantage of family meetings is that they eliminate the need for nagging. If a solution is not followed during the week, the person who notices this can simply write the item on the agenda again. At the next meeting, the family can discuss the consequences of not following the agreed-upon rules until a consensus is reached on that. Family meetings are good times to set house rules. You are relaxed and the kids are more receptive. Spur-of-the-moment rules ("You're grounded!") made when you are angry are likely to be unfair and un-followed. Getting together to sort out discipline problems is a valuable way for moms and dads and kids to express their concerns. Discipline problems that involve one youngster should be handled privately, but there are times when all the kids get a bit lax in the self-control department and the whole f...

Kids behave according to the pleasure principle: behavior that is rewarding continues; behavior that is unrewarding ceases. While you don't have to go to the extreme of playing behavioral scientist, you can invent creative ways to motivate desirable behavior with rewards. To work, a reward must be something your youngster likes and truly desires. Ask some leading questions to get ideas: "If you had ten dollars, what would you buy?" "If you could go somewhere with a friend, where would you like to go? "If you could do some special things with your parents, what would they be?" Granting a reward is a discipline tool to (a) set limits and (b) get jobs done. The best reward is one that is a natural consequence of good behavior: "You're taking really good care of your bicycle …let's go to the bike shop and get you a battery-operated headlight." The natural consequences of good behavior are not always motivating enough in the...

Losing privileges is one of the few behavior shapers you never run out of. Children will always want something from you. For this behavior modification technique to have a good chance of preventing recurrence of misbehavior, the youngster must naturally connect the withdrawal of privileges to the behavior. Here are some good examples: “If you choose to ride your bike over to your friend’s house without asking permission, you also choose to lose your bike for 2 days.” “Since you dawdled and missed the morning carpool, you can walk to school.” “You get caught driving drunk and you lose your license.” Here are some bad examples: “Since you decided to come home late for supper, you cannot watch any TV tonight.” (What does withholding television have to do with being home in time for supper? ...the child wonders.) “If you keep picking on your sister, you will not go over to your friend’s house to play basketball later.” (Not much of a connection here either.) "If y...

You may have children who whine a lot. They may tattle on their siblings, complain about things that you’re not doing right, cry about house rules, moan and groan about school, etc. Part of their “acting out” is this kind of constant annoying level of voicing grievances. What do you do? Establishing a Grievance Time— Set up a “grievance time” (e.g., after dinner). This is a time where you’re going to sit down with these children for five minutes – and that’s their time to register complaints. That’s when they get to tell you what’s really on their mind. You may even instruct them to keep a journal so they can keep track of grievance and write them down. So, something goes into their “grievance journal,” and then in grievance time, you take the time to explain it to them and point things out to them. But… This approach is a much more focused situation in which they can’t pretend not to understand or pretend not to hear. The great thing about the use of grievance tim...

Moms and dads often engage in nagging techniques because they need their children to do something and because they believe their persistent requests, demands, reminders, and threats of negative consequences will influence them to do what they want. What most mothers and fathers fail to realize is that even when nagging does work (which is always just a temporary ‘fix’), it usually ends up leaving both sides with negative feelings about the whole matter. “I told you to pick that up.” “How many times do I have to remind you?” “Will you stop it?” “You need to have a better attitude!” “If I have to tell you again, you’re going to your room.” Chronic nagging will chip away at a youngster's self-worth over time. Studies show that nagging does not improve behavior – it actually worsens it. Nagging is especially defeating in kids with a poor self-image. Nagging and repeating commands make kids nervous. Some kids exhibit more than their fair share of negative behavior,...

How to Use “Compromise” as a Parenting Tool: Compromising with your youngster doesn't cheapen your authority – it strengthens it. Kids respect moms and dads who are willing to listen to them. Until they leave home, kids must accept your authority, but that doesn't mean you can't listen to their side of things. Compromising is a win-win situation that benefits both mothers/fathers and kids. Moms and dads show that they are approachable and open to another's viewpoint (a trait that kids become more sensitive about as they approach the teenage years). In adolescence, you will find that compromising becomes your main behavior management tool, because teens like to be treated as intellectual equals and expect you to respect their viewpoint. If used wisely, compromising improves communication between mother/father and youngster. A stubborn insistence on having your own way has the opposite effect. Even the wishes of a nine or ten-year-old should be open to comprom...

Experiencing the consequences of his choices is one of the most effective ways a child can learn self-discipline. These lessons really last because they come from real life. Most success in life depends on making wise choices. Being able to think ahead about the positive or negative consequences of an action and choose accordingly is a skill we want our kids to learn. Building a youngster's natural immunity to bad choices— Natural consequences are situations that are not controlled by anyone. Kids learn through natural consequences, and parents use natural consequences as teaching points. There are parents that believe in giving children rules and regulations, and then if that child does not follow through, in some cases, he or she receives a natural consequence for their actions. For instance, a house rule might be “no running in the house.” A youngster bumps into another youngster because of running and hurts himself. A parent might want to use the natural consequen...

Today, children are exposed to so much information about sex and relationships on TV and the Internet that by the time they approach puberty, they may be familiar with some advanced ideas. And yet, talking about the issues of puberty remains an important job for moms and dads because not all of a youngster's information comes from reliable sources. Don't wait for your youngster to come to you with questions about his or her changing body — that day may never arrive, especially if your youngster doesn't know it's OK talk to you about this sensitive topic. Ideally, as a mother or father, you've already started talking to your youngster about the changes our bodies go through as we grow. Since the toddler years, children have questions and most of your discussions probably come about as the result of your youngster's inquiries. It's important to answer these questions about puberty honestly and openly — but don't always wait for your youngster...

When your youngster misbehaves, are you sometimes unsure how to react? Do you ever wonder whether it’s better to put an immediate stop to the bad behavior, or just ignore it altogether? You’re not alone. Most moms and dads face this dilemma. They’re not certain if it’s worth the trouble to confront the behavior rather than simply ride it out – and they worry that their attempt to change the behavior may only encourage more of it. To preserve parental sanity, sometimes you will need to run a tight ship in certain situations. In other areas, you will need to be more lax. Wise parents learn to ignore “minors” and concentrate on “majors.” A “minor” is a behavior that’s irritating, but doesn't harm humans, animals, or property – and even if uncorrected, does not lead to a “major.” This type of behavior-problem will most often correct itself with time and maturity. “Selective ignoring” helps your youngster learn to respect the limits of a parent's job description (e.g., ...

Every parent has heard about how important “praising a child’s good behavior” is. But not all parents know how to effectively use this parenting tool. Here are some of the DOs and DON’Ts when it comes to the use of praise: 1. As an exercise in praise-giving, write down how many times you “praised” and how many times you “disapproved of” your youngster in the last 24 hours. We will call these approvals versus disapprovals . If your approvals don't significantly outnumber your disapprovals, you are molding your youngster in the wrong direction. 2. Before you praise, try to read your youngster's body language to see whether the youngster feels the job is praiseworthy: "Dad, look at my math assignment I did at school today …I got a 'B+'." If he approaches you enthusiastically, displaying his assignment for all to see, this youngster deserves praise that shares his excitement. If he pulls the paper out of his schoolbag and tosses it on the floor, praise...