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In order to really take advantage of “reverse psychology” as an effective parenting tool (and not have anyone catch on to it), parents really need to have a clear understanding of what it is and how it works. Parents are using reverse psychology when they intentionally argue in favor of a decision or behavior while secretly wanting their child to endorse the opposite decision or behavior. The technique makes use of the psychological phenomenon of “reactance” (i.e., an emotional reaction in opposition to perceived restrictions on a person’s behavioral freedoms). Reverse psychology is an important tool that parents can use to influence the decisions of their children. The technique tends to work best when parents reinforce independence with resistant teens. In order to reinforce independence in a reverse psychology format, parents argue against themselves versus the behavior they would like their teenager to engage in. Here are some examples of “good” reverse psychology: You...

There are hundreds of ways to present and describe house rules, but there are only a few core issues. In dealing with defiant child behavior, providing a lot of structure is paramount. Putting this structure in the form of a detailed “house rules” list will be your key to successful behavior modification. When drafting your list, be sure to use the child’s first name rather than the word “you” (e.g., “Michael is expected to …..” rather than “YOU are expected to …..”). Also, use the word “will” rather than “may” (e.g., “Parents will specify a time for …..” rather than “Parents may specify a time for …..”). The following are rules that moms and dads should consider for children with oppositional defiant behavior: 1. Michael is expected to be a self-manager. As his parents, we will become involved at the appropriate level of need, become more involved as necessary, and help Michael when he appears to need help. Michael’s behavior determines whether or not we need to make decisio...

No mother or father wants to believe that their teenage son or daughter is using drugs. The fact is that even the most careful parent can't always compete with peer pressure. Adolescents who are eager to fit in with the popular crowd may end up smoking pot because their peers do it or they just want to experiment. If you suspect that your adolescent is using pot or may be tempted to do so, you need to take some important steps: 1. The first stage of dealing with this issue involves trying to understand what your adolescent is actually experiencing by engaging her in a helpful dialogue. Hold back on your warnings and threats. Instead, approach your youngster as the expert and ask for a greater understanding by asking questions such as: How much does it cost these days? I understand that the current weed is much stronger than what was around in my day …is that true? Is it easy to get pot? What different types of pot are out there now? What is it like when you get high? Why do ...

"Normal" behavior in kids depends on your youngster's age, personality, and physical and emotional development. A youngster's behavior may be a problem if it doesn't match the expectations of the parents or if it is disruptive. Normal or "good" behavior is usually determined by whether it's socially, culturally and developmentally appropriate. Knowing what to expect from your youngster at each age will help you decide whether her/his behavior is normal. Many kids tend to continue a behavior when it is rewarded (with parental attention) and stop a behavior when it is ignored. Consistency in your reaction to a behavior is important, because rewarding and punishing the same behavior at different times confuses your youngster. When you think your youngster's behavior might be a problem, you have 3 choices: Attempt to stop the behavior, either by ignoring it or by punishing it. Decide that the behavior is not a problem because it's a...

Teaching oppositional, defiant kids to manage their own behavior allows educators to spend more time teaching and less time dealing with challenging behaviors in their classrooms. Managing one’s own behavior is called self-control. Self-control skills are used to help “uncooperative” children to engage in instructional activities, keep track of whether or not they complete tasks, use appropriate play and social interaction, participate in classroom routines, and pay attention to their own behavior. Kids can learn to monitor their own behavior and control their own actions through using self-control techniques.  In order to help kids learn to monitor their own behavior, educators should ask themselves the following questions: Are there any factors or challenges that the youngster faces that need to be considered before implementing a self-control plan? Is the youngster able to make an accurate self-assessment of his/her behavior?  What goals do I have for the youngst...

If your teenager was hanging out with the wrong crowd, how would you know? Have you noticed a change in your teen’s behavior or a lack of respect for what used to be important? Bad influence from hanging around the wrong people shows up in various ways, and peer pressure gives teenagers a new attitude about life that may not be to the liking of all moms and dads.  If your teenager is associating with the wrong crowd, here are some tips that may help: 1. Come to terms with the fact that you can't pick your teen’s friends. In fact, if you criticize a particular friend – that’s the friend your teen will most likely want to hang out with. Teens are developmentally bound to defend their chosen peer group. During adolescence, your teen’s friends are more important than anybody else – including you! While your goal as a mother or father is to keep your teenager safe, your teen’s goal is to be with people who like him or her. 2. Don’t be afraid to set limits with your teenager. ...

“My teenage son is so hateful. No matter how hard I try, all we do is argue. He is 17 and this has been going on for a couple of years. I really believe he hates me. Nothing I do is right. No matter how nice I am, he still snaps at me about everything. He used to say I ‘bitch’ too much, so I tried to stop that …still he is disrespectful. He won't come out of his bedroom. In order to see him, I have to go to him. But when I do that, he gets angry because I am 'in his business'. I am the only one he acts this way to. He is nice to his dad (we are divorced), girlfriend, and teachers – everyone but me. I have even considered leaving myself just to make him happy. Any ideas?!" First of all, I believe you are trying too hard to save the relationship. Less is better! Also, know that you are definitely not alone in this predicament. To raise an adolescent, parents need to understand (a) what changes are going on in the child’s body and mind and (b) the importance of...

Rules often vary greatly from one household to another. Even though differences are to be expected, concerned moms and dads will agree that the safety of their son or daughter is of the utmost importance. Teenagers can’t be allowed to run the streets and do as they please without regard to rules and expectations, but unfortunately not all parents set boundaries. Some parents are guilty of allowing their teen to do as he or she pleases as long as the child stays out of their hair and out of trouble. Other parents maintain control and know where their teenager is at all times. Unfortunately, when one parent does not know how to say ‘no’, the parent trying to control the situation ends up being the “bad guy.” When divorced parents don’t agree, maintaining control can be a big problem, especially when the teen is visiting (or living with) the more lenient parent. When one parent says ‘no’, the average teenager will attempt to gain permission from the other parent. This is when th...

Most moms and dads lament the fact that their adolescents are unreliable. For example, their room is always a mess, they don’t do their homework, they don’t respond – or even acknowledge – their parent when he or she talks to them, etc.    But then, those same teens are driving their own cars (that the parent paid for), talking on cell phones (in which the parent pays the monthly bill), and enjoying non-stop social activities (with few limits). All provided by the “free hand-outs” parent. Reliability is not a lesson that can be learned from nagging or long lectures. You can’t tell a teenager to be reliable, and then assume your job as a mother or father is done. Reliability is a growing and learning process.  ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents So, how does a parent help her adolescent to be more reliable and responsible? The same way we as grown-ups learn to be reliable. We know that if we don’t pay our gas bill, we don’t get to have heat or hot wat...

Scenario: The holidays are soon to be over, and the second half of another school year will begin, but your teenager announces that he doesn’t want to return to school …he’s sick of it, hates it, and wants to drop out. What do you do now?! Most moms and dads would be panic-stricken if their youngster declared that she intended to drop out of high school. In today’s job market, not having a college degree can be a roadblock to many careers. Lacking a high-school diploma closes-off even more avenues. Overall, teenagers seem to understand the financial consequences of leaving school prematurely.  The law mandates that kids must attend school until age 16. After that, neither the parent nor the school have any legal recourse to prevent them from dropping out. Some youngsters drop out to get married or because they’ve had a baby. Others are eager to get a head start on earning a regular paycheck. However, the vast majority are relieved to cut short their high-school years, whic...

Raising adolescents is challenging, and naturally so. As they become increasingly autonomous, so too can they become somewhat more oppositional. However, dealing with adolescent defiance can be even more challenging for single mothers. The most difficult situation with defiance may be the following scenario: a single mom with a male adolescent - especially if she has more than one adolescent male and there aren’t any father-figures around!!! Some single parent statistics show the prevalence and challenges of single parenting in America: 23% of teens live with only a mother, 4% live with only a father, and 4% live with neither parent. 3% live with unmarried parents. About 40% of teenagers are born to unmarried mothers. Black teenagers are the most likely to be raised by a single mother, followed by Hispanic, then white teenagers. Teenagers living with only one parent have financial and educational disadvantages compared to teenagers with both parents, especially if their pare...

“My 17-year-old son thinks that just because it’s Christmas break he can come and go as he pleases and stay out as late as he wants. Any thoughts on how I can get him to comply with his curfew (which is 11:30 P.M.)?” Setting a curfew for an adolescent is one of those things that must be done carefully and enforced completely from the beginning. Being allowed to roam around with buddies is most definitely a privilege, and chances are if moms and dads aren’t remaining aware and informed at all times, their adolescent will get into some sort of trouble eventually. Parents would do well to set early curfews in the beginning. Having younger teens come home around 9:00 P.M. ensures that they are given freedom, but are also expected to be home at a reasonable hour. This not only allows you to get your rest, but also allows them to display their trustworthiness. As time progresses and your adolescent has adhered to curfews, you can begin to push it back by 30 minute increments. When...