ONLINE PARENTING COACH

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Dear parent: I’ve responded where you see these arrows. Just as you predicted, we are having some good days as well as bad. My 16 yr old sophomore just got caught skipping a class (chemistry) 2 days in a row this week--his girlfriend turned him in as they were arguing/breaking up (I think they are back together now). He was in the lunchroom. He was given 2 detentions. He now is saying he "may not serve" them. I kept my composure but it is really hard. We also got his progress report in the mail yesterday and as he has been telling us (for several weeks) his grades are lower. I truly thought he was doing this to get a response out of me, and he didn't. He is getting a C- in chemistry (was a B+) and a D in advanced algebra (was a C). I did tell him (as I have been for the several weeks now) that it is his responsibility/future etc. and I cannot MAKE him get better grades. I did try to engage him in a...

Mark …I have a simple question: I try to be my daughter’s friend, because her father is not involved at all in her life. Is this good or bad? Signed, Single Mom _________________ I regularly see a lot of evidence that today’s teens are trying to act older while today’s parents are trying to act younger. So you've got kids trying to be adults, and adults trying to be kids. It makes for a weird dynamic – and confuses the teenager as to who's the role model. In those cases where the parent is a ‘buddy,’ the parent-child relationship tends to be a love-hate relationship. I understand that the family unit itself has changed (e.g., more single parents, gay parents, parents who are dating, etc.). And I also know it’s hard for the single parent to be both a “friend” and a “disciplinarian.” But you have to pick one or the other – and your pick should be the one who employs “tough love.” “Tough love” has 2 components though: (1) the tough part and (2) the nurturing pa...

"How do you get a teen to go back to the dr and stay on meds for depression? She is 18 and we went to the psychiatrist one time and she refuses to go back. He won't prescribe without seeing her again. All she does is cry and then tell me she hates me. I am her punching bag. I get called every name in the book. Her dad used to abuse her so I know she has baggage but I can't live this way anymore :(   ... I took away her car last night because she blew curfew by 3 hours. Then she tells me she won't be able to get to school. I almost made my life worse by punishing her!" Unfortunately, you can't get her to take her meds! Do yourself a big favor and get out of the business of playing psychiatrist. The more you take responsibility for your daughter's mental health, the less responsibility she will take. The problem is an ownership problem. Let go of ownership of your daughter's mental health. No more nagging about taking meds. No mo...

My 14 year-old son has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, ADD, sensory integration dysfunction, other processing disorders and is a genius. Things have been manageable until recently when I began to date an old college boyfriend. I am a 47 year old single parent twice divorced with 1 son from each marriage. My 14 year old lives with me 365 days of the year and his 10 year old half-brother lives with us about 40% of the time. I am a full time trial lawyer for a local government agency and help with my aging parents. Recently my 14 year old has ramped up the rude and disrespectful behavior, like calling me a bitch and being rude to his brother. My boyfriend will not come to my home- which pleases my son greatly. Implementing consequences for the name-calling has been met with intense response--like stating he will turn his brother against me and convince him to never come to our home. Mean, horrible things like that. He rages and his incredibly intense, always has been. His psyc...

My husband and I have been in a battle about priorities with children, we set guidelines and I end up having to be the one to follow up and he usually wears out in the middle of it and 'wants to have some fun with the kids' resulting in him stating I am too tough with the kids. We took his daughter in 5 years ago, split up over her playing him which ended up with him having to verify EVERYTHING I stated with his 9 year old daughter at that time, before it could be valid, meaning I was not valid unless his daughter stated it. We split up and I went back, yes, it was my choice but I thought he made changes and he did but we are at the same point again. His daughter and I have a wonderful relationship now and mainly because we all made changes. We had a disagreement about the kids again, I was too tough on them, and I told him in hurt and anger that he has the wrong priorities, he needed to put me first and the way he treats me is wrong. Of course he disagreed on that and...

We started laying down the law to my son Ryan who will be 16 in few weeks and have tried to make him more accountable. He and his siblings are expected to put their clothes in the hamper twice a day, to make their bed each morning and pick up items on their floors before they leave. The rule is that if you want to have friends over/go out over the weekend that you will comply. The younger 2 do this almost without reminder. It is working well. Ryan needs to be reminded. Today he was running late and looking for his baseball hat. He, per usual...asked for help in trying to find it. Because he asked nicer than his usual accusatory tone I did try to help a bit. In the process of trying to find it he ended up pulling out many clothes, which are now all over the floor. He did find the hat under his own bed. As Ryan was preparing to wait for the bus, I reminded him of the need to pick up his room. He curtly replied that he did not have time as the bus was coming (which was mostly tru...

Hi, Mark, My son, K___, is almost 16. He was diagnosed as bipolar, adhd & odd in Oct. 2016. Shortly after being placed on meds we had to call the police to help with him. We were to take him to the ER where they transferred him to the psychiatric hosp. Later they sent him to the state hospital to stabilize his moods and meds. Last Sept. they released him. He was not complying with his treatment plan and interfering with others. We contacted the State's Att. office to see what we could do. We were afraid of him. He was suicidal and homicidal. We were encouraged to file a CHINS (children in need of supervision) petition. For the past 1 1/2 yrs. he has been on probation. Not "breaking" the law but not doing well either. We had an in-home counselor referred (in addition to the private counselor). Recently my son was caught smoking, which of course, is a probation violation. Soon we will go to court (Nov. 5th) for Probation Revocation. His P...

"I feel that there is no help for parents or their teenagers in this world, or am I just seeing all the kids that are out of control …it seems like there is more of them then there is good ‘in control’ teens. My daughter has been gone for three weeks, although my home is a lot more peaceful and happy. When my hubby and I fight, she is always brought up. I don’t like it, and I find myself crying at nights. People keep telling me that she will come home, but how come I don’t believe it? She is 16 yrs old and lives with her boyfriend and his mom. My other daughter who is now 19 hasn’t come home yet and moved out when she was 15. My brother still thinks that both of my girls will come home sooner or later ...he says they always do ...somehow I don’t believe him ...ok maybe I’m just letting out my hurt and pain in this email, but I just needed to get it out of my brain ...even if it just for two minutes." Your task is to take care of yourself now - especially your mental he...

Hi Mark, Want my husband and I to both be on the same page so from now on as I email these quick scenarios and questions to you I will copy him. If you would be so kind as to reply all that would be great!! Wanted to run this one by you. 1. I called Ryan down for lunch. He proceeded to take his plate into the family room and to march over and turn the TV show off that his younger sister was watching and of course she screamed. 2. I told him to please bring the food into the kitchen. (We have had a SOFT rule on this but have been flexible...) To which he replied no and proceeded to watch his show. I again said …you both need to come out for lunch. You can watch TV in the kitchen. I was very calm. >>>>>>>>> You may want to consider having only one t.v. in the house (not one in the kitchen however). Ryan began to whine ..."come on ...give me a break ...I eat neatly ...I promise I wont get any food on the floor and I can only ...

Hi Mark. My daughter has now moved back home - about 1 1/2 weeks ago - having been gone for about 1 month in total. The work at the factory that she had been doing has now more or less dried up or is very sporadic. I have told her that as she is still refusing to attend school for the last couple of months she will have to go out and get another job as I do not want her staying at home all day doing nothing whilst I am at full time work. Also I do not trust her in the house on her own as she has people round without my permission. >>>>>>>>> To allow her to just hang out at your house with no job and no effort to pursue an education is a gross form of over-indulgence. This cannot continue …period! Trying to persuade Lauren to get another job yesterday turned into quite a heated discussion with her storming off and more or less ending in her threatening me with verbal and physical abuse and threatening to leave home again. Already today she ...

>>>>>>>>>> Hi …I’ve answered below: If R___ physically pushes me (albeit not very hard) how do I handle? >>>>>>>>>> As I hope you read in the Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of the eBook, you have reached the 6th and final level of the anger ladder: 6th - Physical violence enters the picture here. This violence may be partially controlled because the kid knows what he is doing, even though later he might claim it was an accident. The kid plans to stop when he gets his way …if the parent gives in, he’ll back off. Some of the things that may occur in this last stage: · destruction of property · domestic battery · cops are called – sometimes by the kid · parent files incorrigibility charge · kid may not be conscious of his actions · kid may become suicidal · he may physically hurt the parent >>>>>>>>>> I don’t think you realize how serious this is. >>>...

"Mark, What do I do when I’ve issued the 3-day-discipline (e.g., for violating curfew), but then my son creates a new problem before completing the discipline (e.g., calls me a bitch, then breaks a plate by throwing it in the sink too hard)? Do I start the 3 days over even though the “broken plate episode” is unrelated to the curfew violation, or does this new problem get a different consequence?" --------------------- You only restart the 3-day-discipline if the original crime is re-committed (in this case, if your son violates curfew again). When parents issue a 3-day-discipline, it is very common for kids to introduce additional behavioral problems (temper tantrums, threats, etc.) as a way to (a) get the parent side-tracked from the original consequence and (b) get the focus off of them and onto the parent’s anger. If the parent falls for this, she ends up issuing additional consequences on top of existing consequences …restrictions against the kid begin...