He can smell the stink of it...

I want to thank you for the email advice and the chance to review material that has helped us. I have to admit we haven't gone step-by-step through the plan; however, just reading and taking different paths during problematic times along with knowing I have support has been so much help. In addition to the material, we do have our son in counseling -- not sure what the outcome will be; but a step we had to take rather than not to and wonder if it could have helped some. We did put our son on medication.

My son has been in and out of dr. apts to the point of almost disappointment. However, after several med changes, we have found one that appears to help him. I know this is not a complete cure, I know he may grow immune to the regimen, but it has given us time to let our guard down at home and work with our son. I never wanted to put my son on anything that could hurt his system and didn't want to because of the many articles you read making a parent almost feel guilty in doing so - but the combination of items is helping us to recover.

Our situation isn't gone and there are days that go downhill, but my son is happier! Our home is more relaxed. I did want to pass along a book title to others who may need to feel some comfort is the Dance of Defiance; a mother and son journey.

Here is my question - and need some advice quickly.

Despite all of the behavioral problems, school trouble, and rebellion, I haven't ever worried about my son smoking, drinking or doing drugs. At this point, (13 years old) he makes comments about headaches from smoke and doesn't like the taste of alcohol. However, like any child without defiance issues, the peer pressure is there to do so.

My son has been given more responsibility and privileges due to positive behavior and has shown significant improvement in his school grades. We also have gone for 8 weeks without a school phone call or detention.

In the earned privileges is the ability to go to his friend's house and spend the night. A couple weeks ago, he stayed the day there and appeared to have a good time - along with going out to play ice hockey with friends. A few days later he told me his friend's sister smokes pot in her bedroom and he can smell the stink of it. I am torn as to what to do now.

The friend has been a friend of my son's for the past few years; it isn't a new relationship. The boy happens to live with his sister with their grandmother. The boy's mother did live with them but moved out with a fiance in another school district and so the kids stayed so as not to change schools. I know the grandmother and mother but they do not have home phones to call and talk - only cell phones. And, do I know actually the daughter is smoking pot?? My son did not show any interest in or didn't talk about "hanging out" with the sister when at the house.

I feel as a parent I shouldn't let my son go over any more. I feel like I should say something but short of driving to their home to talk it isn't as easy as picking up the phone. The other side of me says my son has shown responsibility and is not influenced by the situation - so is it up to me to tell the grandmother her granddaughter smokes pot in her bedroom. I am also torn to tell my son he can't go anymore and not tell him why. I don't feel it necessary to lie to him at 13; and should I tell him the truth he may not confide in us any longer (when I really need him to feel comfortable to do so). And, talking to the family could create a situation at school for my son, which would ultimately against widen the trust factor in my son's mind against us.

What to do next? This situation could turn us upside down after the progress we made going forward - am I gaining anything?

Please provide your thoughts.

__________

Hi K.,

Weighing everything together, I think your son should be allowed to see his friend.

Educate yourself completely about drugs so you will be able to identify any warning signs that your son is abusing drugs: www.nida.nih.gov

Keep a sharp eye out. If you feel he’s getting caught up in something, then intervene regardless of your son’s relationship with his buddy.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

He blows smoke in my face...

I am very much appreciating the support and book guidance. I have not seen anything yet that helps me deal with another issue, which is huge in our home. My son does smoke when he finds ways to obtain cigarettes. He's been suspended from school, off his basketball team for 3 weeks, but most of the time has not gotten "caught". I firmly believe this is just another means of producing a reaction in me. However, I am deathly allergic to cig smoke and my asthma has required intense treatment as he flaunts his cigs, blows smoke in my face and refuses to change his smoky clothes. I have had 3 bouts of pneumonia this winter, which has knocked me for a loop and I have had to limit our activities. Again I think he is attempting to maintain his control over me and he's doing a great job any suggestions? Thanks

=========

Sorry mom. You're not going to
like my advice, but here goes:

You will not be able to stop him
from smoking. Pick your battles
carefully - and this is not a battle
you should fight. In fact, the
more you worry about it or
lecture him, the more he will
smoke! But you can stop him
from smoking on YOUR
property. Here's what you can
say to your son:

"I can't keep you from damaging
your health by smoking. But it's
your health – and mine! So,
I don't want you smoking in my
house or anywhere on my
property. If you choose to
smoke on my property, you'll
choose the consequence, which
is grounding for 3 days without
privileges (e.g., use of phone,
T.V., computer, etc.)."

If your son smokes on the
property, follow through with the
consequence.

[Use the strategy “When You Want
Something From Your Kid” in the
Anger Management section of the
online version of the ebook.]

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

My 15-year-old daughter had been drinking...

Dear Mr. Hutten,

Thanks for getting back to me so promptly. I was able to find the email last night and printed out your book. I had just discovered that my 15-year-old daughter had been drinking again and I was able to handle the situation from a position of power. You advice really was helpful.

My question is I have told my daughter she can have a birthday party for her boy and girl friends at our house. I have outlined the restrictions (no backpacks, parents must rsvp. once they come in, they can't go out, if anyone is found with alcohol or drugs I will call their parents to pick them up immediately, and my daughter will directly bear the responsibility for any inappropriate behavior. What advise can you give me so that she can have a fun but safe party and I can have peace about having her friends over.

Thank you,

D.L.
Massachusetts

__________

I think you on track …I don’t really have anything to add. As long as everybody knows what the ground rules are for the party, then just focus on making it a celebratory event. If anybody chooses to violate a ground rule, then simply follow through with the consequence.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com