He starts pushing me around...

Hi Mark,

The first couple of weeks of trying your strategies seemed to be working. But a couple of days ago my teen started acting out again. He starts pushing me around, kind of his way of looking for a fight. I tried to keep as calm as possible and I left the house for a class. I came back and my son had left the house with a note saying that he went by his dad's (which he hasn't been by for 2 years and refuses to go) and that if that doesn't work out, then he is going to kill himself (which he has been saying for a long time now and even admits that he is just saying that). I called him on his cell the night he took off and he said he was by Grandma's house (where he normally runs to) and said the reason he left is because I took away his freedom (I started taking a class and this was my 2nd week and he has to stay in the house while I am gone).

Please advise.

Thanks,

L.

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Hi Linda,

It is going to be nearly impossible to keep him “in the house” while you are gone. Instead, drive him to his grandma’s house or dad’s house and instruct them that your son is not to leave their house (unless going somewhere in their company) until you return.

Also let him know that the next time he “pushes you around” – which is misdemeanor battery – you will call the police and file charges.

Re: killing himself - This, even by his own admission, is a manipulation.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

When Your Teen Makes False Claims That You Are Abusive

"My out of control teen has a set of grandparents and a family that she has convinced I am completely abusive to her. I have been turned into the authorities four times now from false allegations and have a meeting for a 'home visit' tomorrow with the latest investigation case worker. My daughter wants to go live with the grandparents and will do whatever it takes to get removed from my care.

My concern is a co-worker I know has a similar situation. Her son turned his mom in making abuse allegations. They didn't 'stick' so the second time he turned her in for alleged abuse he made marks on his body and called saying his mom was abusing him. It stuck that time and his mom, who wouldn't hurt a flea, is now on probation for 17 months for the abuse allegations.

When do I throw in the towel? I am very worried this is going to go the same way for me.......not if but when."

Click here for my response...

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… I am Interested in the original posts questions..when do we throw in the towel..and I decided the next time my daughter pulls this is when...and then ill get stuck probably owing child support for her!!! outrageous!
•    Anonymous said… I had no idea so many people go through this! soo glad I found this page!
•    Anonymous said… I have a 16 year old daughter that is totally defiant as far as following rules. I have just a few rules to follow. Once a week she cleans her room,stay brings dishes daily, take out the garbage daily, once a week vacuum the living room rug or sweep mop the kitchen floor once a week. The other is curfew. She basically refuses to do anything she doesn't feel like doing and gets angry when we remind her. We have lived in my mother's house as my mother could not support herself after my father died. So my mother has helped my husband and me in raising my daughter. At 13 years old when she started hanging out with one 15 year old school friend the defiance started. She started drinking alcohol, smoking pot, popping pills. I had to take her to a Behavior Center as she stated she wanted to hurt herself. I thought she was trying to manipulate us but could take that chance. She started to get better. But this summer when she turned 16 years old everything started to hit the fan. She wants to stay out with her friends that are about 2 years older 1-2 hours past curfew. She says her room is her room and she can keep it anyways she wants. She shouldn't have to do anything she doesn't want. She has temper outbursts throwing and hitting things. Today she threw 2 yogurt container, one at the wall and the ceiling the other on the floor. I called the police. They can't do anything. She even as told the police I leave her to watch my mother who has dementia. Try to make me out to be the bad person. She continues to badger me to agree with her stating that I don't listen but will not listen to anything I say. I am a rotten mother, so not know how to be a mother etc. I am moving out on my mother's house to try to my sanity, she refuses to come with because her friends are here. I told her she can not stay with my mother as they are always at each others throats. She says she is not going to move. I have decided today that at curfew time the doors will be locked if she not home she needs to find which friend house to stay at. I have turned off her phone and will take internet access away. She will receive basic needs from me (necessary) clothes, food and transportation to/from school. Am I wrong with my actions?
•    Anonymous said… I haven't been thru this part of the process yet, but have been thru a lot with my oldest, and have had CPS involved due to some of his wonderful behaviors and choices. I had a worker sitting on my couch right next to me, tell me that she had to talk to her supervisor to know what to do next, because they are all trained to protect the child from parental abuse, but have no idea how to handle it when its the child that's the abuser. I wonder how many situations it will take, how many families will have to go thru the things this group is posting about, and the many that don't post, before the system catches on that new training needs to happen, new things and procedures need to be learned. It's sad that this is so rampant, that so many parents are at a loss and overwhelmed, and if and when they do finally react due to being at wits end, then they really are looked at as the one with the problem and the bad guy. Praying for all of you, because I understand many of the emotions that are running thru you and above all, the hurt and frustration, God bless you mamas, keep doing the best you can!
•    Anonymous said… I know for me..I live in hell with my 15 year old daughter. because of this I dont even want to speak to her or be around her for MY protection against any kind of accusations she could make. I feel I need protected because if you discipline them or heaveb forbid tell them no, they call the cops and always use the abuse card!!! I feel im the one who needs protection! I reallllly hate this and feel trapped under the roof with someone who at anytime can lie and cause me trouble.
•    Anonymous said… My sister is going thru the same thing. Ad I sugested, she started using her phone to secretly tape conversations at home with her daughter. She almost went to jail and once the judge heard the recoedings, he sent my niece to detention for 12 days.
•    Anonymous said… omg I am going through this exact thing! I feel like I am helpless! my kid runs the show becauseTHEY have the power not us! I am so glad I found this page because I have no idea what to even do let alone wrap my mind around all this!! and im too afraid to tell anyone our business so I am just a sitting single mother duck I feel!
•    Anonymous said… This is such a disturbing and manipulative way for teen to act, I know from personal experience the child is allowed to act this way because of the grandparents who are under minding your authority the whole time !! My advice keep loving the child untill they are out of your care and allow them to fall, it's called tough love and boundaries, something unfortunately you have to teach them.

Please post your comment below…

Daughter just scoffs at parent...

Hi J.,

Please look for these arrows throughout your email: ===>

Hi Mark,

We are having trouble enforcing the 3 day discipline because my daughter has yet to complete it even though I keep saying that if you break the 3 day grounding, you will have to start it from day 1. She just scoffs at it and goes out whenever she wants. This has been going on all week. What can we do so that we don't end up looking stupid because she is not taking it seriously at all.

====> Say, "If you choose to walk out on your 3-day-discipline, you'll choose the consequence, which is we will call the police and file run away charges as well as go to juvenile probation and file an incorrigibility complaint." Then if she leaves, follow through with this consequence.

The other issue is that we don't seem to be able to have a normal conversation anymore without her shouting or swearing. As an example, yesterday I asked her to fold the washed towels and put them in the linen cupboard. She refused to do it. I said that if she didn't complete that task, she would not be allowed on the computer. My husband disconnected the keyboard but she just disconnected another one from a different computer and used that. When my husband told her that she did not have permission to do that, she just yelled at him but by then she had already done what she wanted to do which was to send her friend a message.

====> If this situation occurs again, simply make sure ALL the computers are disabled.

I've tried to talk to her to find out why she is behaving this way and have told her that it is really hard to function as a family when we cannot even talk to each other in a civil manner any more. All I get back is more yelling and bad language but never any hint of a reason as to why she is behaving this way. We feel like we're walking on egg shells.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

=====> Trying to "reason with" your daughter is just another traditional parenting strategy. Simply state the house rule, then follow through with the consequence when the rule is broken.

She has also removed the door handles from her bedroom door so that we can't go in. I've told her that she is entitled to her privacy but she is not allowed to destroy property in the process. In fact, we haven't even been going to her bedroom because we've decided to give her some space in the hope that she will calm down and come to certain realisations about how her behaviour is affecting our family.

====> You are way off base here. She is NOT entitled to anything other than basic needs (e.g., clothes, food, shelter, education). Privacy does not fall into the "basic needs" category. Put the handles back on the door and tell her that if she chooses to remove them again, she'll choose the consequence, which is you will remove the entire bedroom door for a period of 3 days.

===> I can see that you are having great difficulty implementing "tough love." Also, I can tell that you are afraid of your daughter. Until you stand up to her, she will continue to be in charge.

Mark

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents