I feel abandoned by my husband and am embarrassed by my son's behavior...

The Kid is just starting on High Risk diversion (county program) for multiple unruly filings and escalating behavior over the past 9 months. No drugs (multiple clean tests), no physicial violence, worst "community" crimes are curfew violations (regularly) and a couple of fights (rarely - last >1 year ago). Our major problems with him have been school (passed all classes this semester, at last, but with HUGE support from the school), outright refusal to follow house rules/parental edicts, and "loud and hurtful language" coupled with intimidating behavior (punching walls, slamming doors, blocking path) at the most minor of provocations (ie, the word "No.") In the past eight weeks he's progressed to staying out all night or two, (three occasions). And has stolen money from my husband's car the first two times (~5 bucks or so each time).

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Franco is now rebelling because he feels he is being punished...

re: My two stepsons share a basement bedroom. Franco, the 17 year old, takes on the hero role and rarely breaks rules. Anthony, the 15 year old, takes on the scapegoat role and is constantly breaking rules. We grounded Anthony and took away cable TV in the basement. Franco is now rebelling because he feels he is being punished. What should we do?

==> Ground Anthony FROM the basement. In other words, have him stay IN the house, but OUT of the basement (except to sleep at night in his bed).

Franco feels sorry for Anthony when we ground him and has encouraged and helped his brother to get out of the house. Should Franco be disciplined for that? If so how?

==> Yes. Use the 1- to 3-day-discipline outlined in Session #3 entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid.”

My stepsons' mother often finds excuses to take Anthony when we ground him because she feels sorry for him. Should we restart his grounding when he comes back?

==> No. But he should not be able to leave to be with his biological mother until he has completed the 1- to 3-day discipline. If his mother refuses to go along with this plan, then – yes – you restart the grounding when he returns.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Join Online Parent Support

Has she earned the CD or is it a bit of a free handout...

Hi Mark!

Just a question about rewards-the school counsellor started A___ on a star chart a few weeks ago (before we joined OPS) and I was wondering what to do about it. We've sort of kept it going-she gets a star for good behavior and there is a list of rewards after each 10 stars (ie) a friend to play after 10stars, dinner out after 20, a new CD after 50 etc etc...We are up to 50 stars now after giving her a star for going to bed without a fuss and not getting up a million times-she has done this all week and she got a star last night. But she wants a new CD and is taking the list of rewards as gospel-I can't seem to change them around. So, has she earned the CD or is it a bit of a free handout or should we phase out the chart? Just not sure of what to do....

Generally her behavior this week isn't as bad as the last few weeks and we feel we are making a tiny bit of progress every now and again so thanks

Regards,

L.

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Hi L.,

Re: So, has she earned the CD or is it a bit of a free handout or should we phase out the chart?

We typically don't reward "good behavior" with extra stuff and freedom, rather we simply give acknowledgment and praise. But...

We also do not want to fix things that are not broken. Thus, if this system is working, I wouldn't change it.

When you are undecided about what course to take, ask yourself, "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my child -- or will it inhibit such development?"

If it will likely foster the development of self-reliance, then it is a good course of action to take. Otherwise, you should re-evaluate.

Mark