She lied to us...

Dear Mark,

Thank you for your quick response. We have a situation in our home at the moment and my husband and I have differing views on consequences for an action.

Situation: One of our 17-year-old triplet girls is very social always on the go. Last weekend she was to sleep at a friend’s with 2 other girls. She called when she arrived to let us know she was there for the night.

Yesterday she admitted to us (because she thought we were going to receive a phone call) that they went back out to pick up a friend. When they arrived at the friend's house, kids started showing up with alcohol and "barged in." They had heard that the girl's mother was out of town.

I later found out from my daughter that they stayed for the party, and spent the night at this girl's house because they had to help her clean up.

I have told my daughter that I am disappointed in her judgment. She has compromised our trust in her. We have guidelines in our house that if they ever find themselves in such a situation they are to call us and we will come a get them, no questions and no punishment.

She lied to us, stayed somewhere with no parental supervision, and would have deceived us further by not telling us if her friends mom had not said she was calling.

I feel that her punishment be a longer-term punishment (i.e., earlier curfew, call when she gets to her destination, when she leaves etc.). A much closer eye on her to let her understand that she must earn our trust back. My husband feels she should have a consequence, but says she will be away next year at college and we won't know what she is doing. I want her to learn good judgment especially since she will be away.

I would love a 3rd person's opinion. She is really a good kid, honor roll, this is only the second time we have had a punishment issue with her. I don't know how much I don't know!

Thank you

D. M.

________________

Hi D.,

Several months ago, I received an email from a parent who had gone through the same experience. I’ll simply refer you to my response to this mother’s inquiry here: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com

The above is my ongoing recommendation for teens and ‘alcohol drinking episodes’.

Please stay in touch,
Mark

I feel betrayed...

Mark,

Last evening our daughter who is living out of our home came home and she said she is going to write us a letter of all the things she is feeling. She tells her dad when she wants to do homework that I am always yelling at her because something else needs to be done.

The last time I wanted help to clean the laundry room which she had agreed to help with but she hollers at me, mom, can't you leave me alone I’m trying to do homework. I thought ok, fair enough but when I checked later she spent all afternoon chatting to friends on the computer and little homework would have been done.

When your children need computers for homework now, do you control them not being on the chatline otherwise? I always felt this was trust and now I feel betrayed. Any suggestions? She also does not want us to respond to her letter, but I feel we have a right to let her know what our feelings are on the whole situation also.

___________

Hi E. & P.,

Out of control kids often use “homework” as an excuse to avoid doing chores. If she has a chore to do, then give her a choice: She can choose to do the chore within the next 5 minutes, or she can choose the consequence for NOT doing it – it’s her choice. More on this here: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com

Re: computer use for homework.

Out of control kids often say they are doing their “homework” when in fact they are on MySpace (or something similar). The computer should be viewed as just another toy (i.e., a privilege, not a right). Thus, if she abuses the privilege, the toy should be taken away. If she complains that she will get into trouble with her teachers for not doing her “homework,” then she will get a double consequence – one at home and one at school. But that would be her choice.

Mark

I'm a disabled parent...

Hello...

I'm a disabled parent of two adopted twin boys who are getting WAY out of my control. Are there any special parenting strategies for parents with disabilities?

J.J.

_____________

Hi J.,

In all honesty, "special parenting strategies" are not needed just because you are disabled. You may need some "non-traditional" strategies for your strong-willed, out of control boys. But this is because of their intensity -- not your disability.

The strategies in the eBook will work just fine whether or not you are disabled. You need nothing special.

I am interested in a sample of what you claim does work....

{In your sales letter} you have given a lot of examples of what you know doesn't work, but I am interested in a sample of what you claim does work. Can you give me an example of one of your suggestions?

_____________

Hi A.,

Here are just a few strategies that we detail in the eBook. I’ll show you how to:

1. Issue a consequence in a way that gets your child to work with you rather than against you.

2. Learn to differentiate between your kid’s wants and needs.

3. Follow through with the consequence without “nagging” or “arguing.”

4. Deal with your out-of-control kid when he/she resists your new parenting strategies.

5. Give equal love to all your kids, but parent them differently.

6. Give only one warning -- then follow through with a consequence.

7. Foster the development of “self-reliance.”

8. Control YOUR anger as well as help your child with his/her anger.

9. Avoid your child’s guilt-trips.

10. Develop a parenting-plan that is likely to be supported by both parents – even if they are divorced.

11. Learn to say -- and stick with -- “no.”

12. Respond to your kid’s anger with a poker face.

13. Take away privileges in a way that influences your child to change unwanted behavior.

14. Avoid pitfalls that accidentally reward your child for negative behavior.

15. Use active listening, empathy, paraphrasing and validation.


I want to show YOU how to be the “therapist” and how to approach your child -- in spite of all the emotional and behavioral problems. There is no need for you to continue living as a frustrated, stressed-out parent. I will help you bring the behavior problems to a grinding halt, but I can’t do it for you!

I’m here for you whenever you’re ready to Join Online Parent Support: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com


Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent Support

Parents are having a hard time with "tough love"!

“Our son ran after having a fight with his father ‘cause he doesn’t want rules, no curfews'. He'll be 18 in March. All he keeps saying is, 'I will NOT come home unless you agree that I will NOT be punished, and I WILL get my car back, period'. This has been going on for 3 weeks. We can't give in, but are having a hard time with the tough love. We paid for the car, insurance, and have his cell on suspension, but he thinks it's canceled. Any advice?”

Click here for my advice...