Dear Mark,
I have been working with the e book but things with my daughter are not good. I am a single parent; her mom has been out of the picture since she was three. The problems I have had are her not honoring her curfew. 10pm on school nights and 2 am on weekends. She does poorly in school, hangs with the wrong crowd, is using marijuana and the list goes on. This month she will turn eighteen and I feel that it would be best for me to just let her leave so I can find some peace. I feel like I don't love her anymore, she has caused me so much pain. She does not respond to any consequences.
I am a teacher so I feel like I have failed my most important student. The damage is done and does not seem reversible.
What happens when she turns eighteen and she feels she has the right to do whatever she wants? How can I enforce anything? She has played all her cards and is on a losing streak? What can be done? Do I just exit with my heath and sanity intact and leave her to her insufficient resources? I am very tired.
Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
M.
```````````````````````````````
Hi M.,
Bear with me here, and don’t get upset with me just yet.
If you are allowing your daughter to stay out until 2 AM on weekends and not involving the authorities regarding her drug abuse, then you are clearly not working my program.
Having said this, your most important objectives now are (a) to begin taking care of you, and (b) to begin preparations for her to move out.
You are not a failure, neither as a teacher or a mother. You did the best you could given the circumstances.
I agree that some “damage is done” – but it is reversible. You’ll need to adopt a new perspective now. This new frame of mind will include:
1. Mentally going beyond the problem and projecting yourself to a future time where the problem could not possibly matter anymore.
2. Developing a part of you that serves as an impartial and dispassionate observer of your daughter, regardless of circumstance – which is called “healthy emotional detachment.”
3. Visualizing your daughter as a mother going through her own parent-child conflict.
4. Asking God for guidance, trusting that you will receive that guidance, and detaching from the outcome.
5. Reminding yourself that your daughter is a “work in progress.” She will get her act together eventually. You have done far more good than you are willing to realize today.
6. Letting go and letting God take it from here.
7. Reminding yourself that all things work together for good. It’s likely that something wonderful is emerging from your current situation -- but that you haven’t seen it yet.
What will you do today to take care of you?
What proactive task(s) can you engage in today that will begin the process of helping your daughter move out around the time she turns 18?
No excuses – just action!
Mark
Online Parent Support
I have no support system...
Mark,
I've followed week 1 exactly as written but not sure if I'm ready to move on to next step. My child is 15 yr old with ADD, ODD, depression, and currently not attending school because he was moved to an alternative setting and he "doesn't like it". I don't feel ready to move to next step with him. I have no support system (family and or friends to talk with and or help me with this child). Should I just move on and let the school situation play out on its own? I need your advice, thanks.
```````````````````
Hi T.,
Yes, you want to keep moving forward. Most of the members of Online Parent Support are single moms who get little or no support from others. You are in the majority.
You really do need to find some support however. Consider the following resources:
· Pastors/Ministers of your local church or synagogue
· Counselors/Therapists at your local Mental Health facility
· School counselors
· Your local Department of Family & Children Services
Investigate your community to see what services they offer. I’m sure there are a few service providers that you are unaware of. Don't be afraid to reach out. There are people right now somewhere who would be eager to help you.
Mark
Online Parent Support
I've followed week 1 exactly as written but not sure if I'm ready to move on to next step. My child is 15 yr old with ADD, ODD, depression, and currently not attending school because he was moved to an alternative setting and he "doesn't like it". I don't feel ready to move to next step with him. I have no support system (family and or friends to talk with and or help me with this child). Should I just move on and let the school situation play out on its own? I need your advice, thanks.
```````````````````
Hi T.,
Yes, you want to keep moving forward. Most of the members of Online Parent Support are single moms who get little or no support from others. You are in the majority.
You really do need to find some support however. Consider the following resources:
· Pastors/Ministers of your local church or synagogue
· Counselors/Therapists at your local Mental Health facility
· School counselors
· Your local Department of Family & Children Services
Investigate your community to see what services they offer. I’m sure there are a few service providers that you are unaware of. Don't be afraid to reach out. There are people right now somewhere who would be eager to help you.
Mark
Online Parent Support
ADHD/ODD Son Waits Until the Last Possible Moment to Get Up for School
"Is there anything you can recommend for a 14 year old male (has ADHD and ODD) that consistently waits until the last possible moment to get up in the morning and get ready for school? We have tried everything we can think of. He is awake well in advance but refuses to get prepped/eat breakfast/be ready on time. The good news is (at least to this point) is that he does indeed get up and get to school. We understand his motivation is to get a "rise" out of us and see us get frustrated. We would appreciate your thoughts."
Parents unwittingly cause morning madness by not instilling that the routine is a family requirement and not an option. A non-negotiable routine must be established, and consequence discussed and determined (e.g., "If you don't get up on first call, your bedtime is 15 minutes earlier tonight"). It's the "wiggle room" that causes meltdowns and tantrums on the very morning parents have a "must make" meeting.
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
Here are some ideas to help your child get up on time:
- Avoid all-nighters. Don't allow your child to wait until the night before a big test to study. Cutting back on sleep the night before a test may mean he performs worse than he would if he had studied less - but got more sleep.
- Avoid stimulants. Don't allow beverages with caffeine after 4 PM.
- Before bedtime, have them unwind by keeping the lights low. Light signals the brain that it's time to wake up. Staying away from bright lights - including computer screens - as well as listening to soothing music, can help the body relax.
- Clothing - down to clean socks, underwear and shoes - should be laid out each night before bed. Youngsters can play a role in choosing the outfit, but no changes are allowed once their head hits the pillow. And, then stick with it! The only exceptions should be an unknown tear or stain, or surprise change in the weather. This avoids missing socks, unmatched shirt and shoes, and keeps getting dressed a simple step in beginning the day vs. a looming battle.
- Create the right sleeping environment. Studies show that teens sleep best in a dark room that is slightly on the cool side. Close the blinds or curtains (and make sure they're heavy enough to block out light), and turn down the thermostat in the bedroom (your child can pile on extra blankets or wear PJs if he's cold).
- Designate an area for all essentials that can eliminate the crazed morning syndrome when you're trying to leave. Shoes, backpacks, car keys, cell phones, purses, etc., should be placed in this area every day - always - so they are always in place and ready for action. Keep a cell phone charger in this area so your phone is charged for the day. Not having to hunt down keys or other last-minute essentials is a time and blood pressure saver, for sure!
- Don’t allow children to stay up late on weekends. Don't go to sleep more than an hour later or wake up more than 2 to 3 hours later than you do during the week.
- Help them relax their mind. Avoid violent, scary, or action movies or television shows right before bed — anything that might set the mind and heart racing. Reading books with involved or active plots may also keep the child from falling or staying asleep.
- If you've got more than one kid in the house, and especially if you have a large family, consider staggering wake-up times for greater efficiency. Start with kids who need assistance first, or the ones who are real sleepyheads who move at a snail's pace come mornings.
- In the morning, wake kids up with bright light. Bright light in the morning signals to your body that it's time to get going.
- It's just not enough to get dressed and eat. How many times have kids missed the bus because they couldn't find their homework or didn't have their backpack put together? If you drive your kids, then put their organized backpacks in the car the night before. Lunches should also be prepared just before bed and easily grabbed from the fridge ready-to-go. Jackets should be in a central location. The "snatch and go" theory really does work in the mornings.
- Kids can learn to awaken by an alarm clock and get themselves up without mom or dad hovering and yelling, "Are you up yet?" Let them decide what is the best time for the alarm to go off and get ready on time. If this means Rhonda doesn't get her hair braided or Michael doesn't get second helpings on cereal, encourage them to set their alarm 15 minutes earlier tomorrow. Cause and effect ...it's a good lesson to learn!
- One mom swears by weekly breakfast menus. Another mom adheres to cereal and fruit. Yet another has her kids eat the $1 breakfast at school each morning. Breakfast is important, and some experts argue that it is the most important meal of the day. So your kids need a nutritious start each a.m. However, that start shouldn't put parents in a work bind or make kids late for school.
- One way to make it easier for kids to get up in the mornings is to create the occasional "kids get up...NOT" day as a reward. If it's a school holiday, lazy weekend opportunity, or just about any reason at all, parents can make a special celebration out of the exception. The "not" day also serves to reinforce the lesson that normal mornings have a schedule and expectation, and that occasionally everyone gets a break from the routine.
- Parents really can help to determine whether their kids become morning risers or morning whiners. If parents moan and groan, are always frantic, grumpy and running late themselves, then how can they really expect anything more of their own kids? Good advice is to get up earlier yourself, start that coffee, or do 10 minutes of exercise, and then show that Positive Mental Attitude and really mean it when you greet your kids with "Good Morning!"
- Set a regular bedtime. Going to bed at the same time each night signals to the body that it's time to sleep. Waking up at the same time every day can also help establish sleep patterns. So try to stick to a sleep schedule.
- Some parents unwittingly set their kids to fail with their morning routines by giving them unexpected chores and duties, which causes whining and a mad rush to end up on time. Consider creating a checklist of what absolutely must be done each morning, and then forget the rest. If you want your child to make his bed every morning, then make that a requirement. However, cleaning the cat box can surely wait until a kid gets home.
If none of the above works – or if you need more tips that do work, don’t hesitate to email me again: Mark Hutten, M.A. - mbhutten@gmail.com
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
I am having trouble knowing when to implement and when to not...
Hello,
I ordered your book and the CD's... I am having trouble knowing when to implement and when to not...
My son is probably going to be diagnosed Bi-polar soon.. it runs in the men's side of our family (grandfather, father, brothers, cousins)... he is taking risperdal now because he cycles into an agitated depression in the winter months... he is 17 years... a junior...you can see it coming on and this is the 2nd year that is is very noticeable....
He starts the school year doing his work and happy and by November he starts slacking down, starts having trouble sleeping and appetite starts to go down, and has to be pushed to finish the semester.... he gets C's and B's ... but then after christmas break... he gets worse... more argumentative... feels everyone is picking on him... and stops working completely... this year when i saw the anger and argumentative behavior. I asked the teachers if they were seeing anything different ... and they all agreed that after christmas this was not the same kid they had in class the previous semester... so i contacted his psychiatrist and restarted his meds
My problem is that he has to do catch up work ... to keep from failing this quarter... and he doesn't want to .... he has trouble accepting that he gets depressed and it takes all of us ganging up on him to get him to the doctor... once there he agreed to start back on the medicine ... i don't know how to discipline in this case when part of the problem is not due to his resistance but due to his body chemistry it takes two to three weeks to notice a difference when the meds finally kick in... his teachers for the most part are willing to let him do make up work...
In this last week i started taking the internet cord with me to work... and told him he has to start doing some of this make up work or can't be on the computer... he did some of the work but then by the third day... he doesn't come home because I am "treating him like a 4 th grader"...
It has been difficult for him in high school so far... in his freshman year I started him in a school that had special programming for boys with ADD and he was doing well... but then some boys at the school started a pornographic web page and put my sons face on the pictures and then sent it around to the other kids... it became a place where all the kids were looking it up and commenting some pretty ugly comments.... I could not get Face book to remove it, and had to have the FBI step in and force them to take the page down.... due to the severity of the harassment my son changed schools in the middle of his freshman year to a new school.... although he wanted to change schools.. he did not do well 2nd semester because of the disruption in his classes / routines / new teachers... it was hard for him to adjust to it all... but he did make all C's that semester
In the 2nd school (sophomore year) it turned out that many of those kids had seen the site and continued the harassing comments and nasty e-mails to my son.... even when I took this information to the school ... little was done about it.... in the midst of this problem my son suffered a grand mal seizure, stopped breathing and was resuscitated and hospitalized... and after that he started having problems with his mood and depression... last spring during the last week of school... kids were still writing and saying nasty things to him about being gay... or he should be "sucking someone’s dick"... and when I took the information to the school they just looked like ... all we can do is ask them to stop... I decided to transfer him again for fear that he would kill himself due to the stress...and depression ... or kill one of them. (he is being followed by a neurologist for an AVM on his brain found after he had the seizure)
Now my son is in his third high school... Junior year... and started as i said doing well but then is having trouble with depression again... he feels that he has had to put up with so much crap from other people in the past two years... that people should put up with him....he has lost motivation to do well for himself... he has made some friends... and does work a part time pizza parlor job that he likes. He recently had an episode of fainting, and is again being worked up by the neurologist and he will also be evaluated for possible syncope.
I want to get him on track with his education.... but am fearful to take too much away from him because of all that has happened this last two years... and for the most part he comes home on time... does his chores.... except for his room being a mess 3/4 of the time.. he does his laundry or other things i ask of him...
I believe that my son is out of control due to his ADD, due to me, due to circumstance that have happened... and due to choices he is making now because he feels entitled to act out since he feels he was unjustly picked on by kids he thought were his friends... he has many of the traits you describe on your CD's....
I just need some direction oh how to set expectations when all these issues are going on at the same time....
Sorry for the lengthy letter.... but i didn't know how else to go about it....
Looking forward to your response...
Sincerely,
C.,
```````````````
Hi C.,
Re: poor academic performance—
I guess you didn’t read the recommendations for poor academic performance yet. It is located in the section of the online version of the eBook entitled “Emails From Exasperated Parents.”
Re: cyber bullying—
More and more, kids are using the Internet to antagonize and intimidate others. This has become known as cyber bullying. Today's young Internet users have created an interactive world away from adult knowledge and supervision. Because bullies tend to harass their victims away from the watchful eyes of adults, the Internet is the perfect tool for reaching others anonymously - anytime, anyplace. This means for many children, home is no longer a refuge from the cruel peer pressures of school.
The anonymity of online communications means kids feel freer to do things online they would never do in the real world. 60 per cent of students pretend to be someone else when they are online. Of those, 17 per cent do so because they want to "act mean to people and get away with it". Even if they can be identified online, young people can accuse someone else of using their screen name. They don't have to own their actions, and if a person can't be identified with an action, fear of punishment is diminished.
Technology can also affect a young person's ethical behavior because it doesn't provide tangible feedback about the consequences of actions on others. This lack of feedback minimizes feelings of empathy or remorse. Young people say things online that they would never say face-to-face because they feel removed from the action and the person at the receiving end.
There are several ways that young people bully others online. They send e-mails or instant messages containing insults or threats directly to a person. They may also spread hateful comments about a person through e-mail, instant messaging or postings on Web sites and online diaries. Young people steal passwords and send out threatening e-mails or instant messages using an assumed identity. Technically savvy kids may build whole Web sites, often with password protection, to target specific students or teachers.
An increasing number of kids are being bullied by text messages through their cell phones. These phones are challenging the ability of adults to monitor and guide children because, unlike a computer placed in a public area of a home, school or library, mobiles are personal, private, connected - and always accessible. Kids tend to keep their phones on at all times, meaning bullies can harass victims at school or even in their own rooms.
Built-in digital cameras in cell phones are adding a new dimension to the problem. In one case students used a camera-enabled cell phone to take a photo of an overweight classmate in the shower after gym. The picture was distributed throughout the school e-mail list within minutes.
Schools are struggling to address the issue of cyber bullying among students, especially when it occurs outside of school. When real world bullying occurs in a schoolyard or classroom, teachers are often able to intervene, but online bullying takes place off the radar screen of adults, making it difficult to detect in schools and impossible to monitor off school property.
Young people should be aware that some forms of online bullying are considered criminal acts. Under the Criminal Code, it is a crime to communicate repeatedly with someone if your communication causes them to fear for their own safety or the safety of others.
It's also a crime to publish a "defamatory libel" - writing something that is designed to insult a person or likely to injure a person's reputation by exposing him or her to hatred, contempt or ridicule.
A cyber bully may also be violating the Human Rights Act, if he or she spreads hate or discrimination based on race, national or ethnic origin, color, religion, age, sex, sexual orientation, marital status, family status or disability.
Internet service providers (ISPs) are the companies that provide Internet access to consumers. Most ISPs have Acceptable Use Policies (AUPs) that clearly define privileges and guidelines for those using their services, and the actions that can be taken if those guidelines are violated.
ISPs and cell phone service providers can respond to reports of cyber bullying over their networks, or help clients track down the appropriate service provider to respond to.
Cyber bullying is everyone's business and the best response is a pro-active or preventative one.
What parents can do—
1. Create an online agreement or contract for computer use, with your kids' input. Make sure your agreement contains clear rules about ethical online behaviour. MNet's research shows that in homes where parents have clear rules against certain kinds of activities, young people are much less likely to engage in them.
2. Encourage kids to develop their own moral code so they will choose to behave ethically online.
3. Encourage your kids to come to you if anybody says or does something online that makes them feel uncomfortable or threatened. Stay calm and keep the lines of communication and trust open. If you "freak out" your kids won't turn to you for help when they need it.
4. Learn everything you can about the Internet and what your kids are doing online. Talk to them about the places they go online and the activities that they are involved in. Be aware of what your kids are posting on Web sites, including their own personal home pages.
5. Talk to your kids about responsible Internet use.
6. Teach them to never post or say anything on the Internet that they wouldn't want the whole world - including you - to read.
7. If the bully is a student at your child's school, meet with school officials and ask for help in resolving the situation.
8. If your child is bullied through a cell phone, report the problem to your phone service provider. If it's a persistent problem, you can change the phone number.
9. Report any incident of online harassment and physical threats to your local police and your Internet Service Provider (ISP).
What schools can do—
·Change the school or board's bullying policy to include harassment perpetrated with mobile and Internet technology.
·Educate teachers, students and parents about the seriousness of cyber bullying.
·Integrate curriculum-based anti-bullying programs into classrooms.
·Update the school or board's computer Acceptable Use Policy (AUP) to specifically prohibit using the Internet for bullying.
What kids can do—
Because most incidents of bullying occur off adults' radar screens, it's important that young people learn to protect themselves online and respond to cyber bullying among peers when they encounter it.
Take a stand against cyber bullying with your peers. Speak out whenever you see someone being mean to another person online. Most kids respond better to criticism from their peers than to disapproval from adults.
Guard your contact information. Don't give people you don't know your cell phone number, instant messaging name or e-mail address.
If you are being harassed online, take the following actions immediately:
1. If the bullying includes physical threats, tell the police.
2. If you are being bullied through e-mail or instant messaging, block the sender's messages. Never reply to harassing messages.
3. If you are being harassed, leave the area or stop the activity (i.e. chat room, news group, online gaming area, instant messaging, etc.).
4. Save any harassing messages and forward them to your Internet Service Provider (i.e. Hotmail or Yahoo). Most service providers have appropriate use policies that restrict users from harassing others over the Internet - and that includes kids!
5. Tell an adult you trust - a teacher, parent, older sibling or grandparent.
One last thought— Bipolar teens tend to respond very well to mentors, or Big Brothers. Find a trusted adult (preferably not a family member) who will be willing to be your son’s friend and confidant, and who will work with him for many years to come.
Mark
Online Parent Support
I ordered your book and the CD's... I am having trouble knowing when to implement and when to not...
My son is probably going to be diagnosed Bi-polar soon.. it runs in the men's side of our family (grandfather, father, brothers, cousins)... he is taking risperdal now because he cycles into an agitated depression in the winter months... he is 17 years... a junior...you can see it coming on and this is the 2nd year that is is very noticeable....
He starts the school year doing his work and happy and by November he starts slacking down, starts having trouble sleeping and appetite starts to go down, and has to be pushed to finish the semester.... he gets C's and B's ... but then after christmas break... he gets worse... more argumentative... feels everyone is picking on him... and stops working completely... this year when i saw the anger and argumentative behavior. I asked the teachers if they were seeing anything different ... and they all agreed that after christmas this was not the same kid they had in class the previous semester... so i contacted his psychiatrist and restarted his meds
My problem is that he has to do catch up work ... to keep from failing this quarter... and he doesn't want to .... he has trouble accepting that he gets depressed and it takes all of us ganging up on him to get him to the doctor... once there he agreed to start back on the medicine ... i don't know how to discipline in this case when part of the problem is not due to his resistance but due to his body chemistry it takes two to three weeks to notice a difference when the meds finally kick in... his teachers for the most part are willing to let him do make up work...
In this last week i started taking the internet cord with me to work... and told him he has to start doing some of this make up work or can't be on the computer... he did some of the work but then by the third day... he doesn't come home because I am "treating him like a 4 th grader"...
It has been difficult for him in high school so far... in his freshman year I started him in a school that had special programming for boys with ADD and he was doing well... but then some boys at the school started a pornographic web page and put my sons face on the pictures and then sent it around to the other kids... it became a place where all the kids were looking it up and commenting some pretty ugly comments.... I could not get Face book to remove it, and had to have the FBI step in and force them to take the page down.... due to the severity of the harassment my son changed schools in the middle of his freshman year to a new school.... although he wanted to change schools.. he did not do well 2nd semester because of the disruption in his classes / routines / new teachers... it was hard for him to adjust to it all... but he did make all C's that semester
In the 2nd school (sophomore year) it turned out that many of those kids had seen the site and continued the harassing comments and nasty e-mails to my son.... even when I took this information to the school ... little was done about it.... in the midst of this problem my son suffered a grand mal seizure, stopped breathing and was resuscitated and hospitalized... and after that he started having problems with his mood and depression... last spring during the last week of school... kids were still writing and saying nasty things to him about being gay... or he should be "sucking someone’s dick"... and when I took the information to the school they just looked like ... all we can do is ask them to stop... I decided to transfer him again for fear that he would kill himself due to the stress...and depression ... or kill one of them. (he is being followed by a neurologist for an AVM on his brain found after he had the seizure)
Now my son is in his third high school... Junior year... and started as i said doing well but then is having trouble with depression again... he feels that he has had to put up with so much crap from other people in the past two years... that people should put up with him....he has lost motivation to do well for himself... he has made some friends... and does work a part time pizza parlor job that he likes. He recently had an episode of fainting, and is again being worked up by the neurologist and he will also be evaluated for possible syncope.
I want to get him on track with his education.... but am fearful to take too much away from him because of all that has happened this last two years... and for the most part he comes home on time... does his chores.... except for his room being a mess 3/4 of the time.. he does his laundry or other things i ask of him...
I believe that my son is out of control due to his ADD, due to me, due to circumstance that have happened... and due to choices he is making now because he feels entitled to act out since he feels he was unjustly picked on by kids he thought were his friends... he has many of the traits you describe on your CD's....
I just need some direction oh how to set expectations when all these issues are going on at the same time....
Sorry for the lengthy letter.... but i didn't know how else to go about it....
Looking forward to your response...
Sincerely,
C.,
```````````````
Hi C.,
Re: poor academic performance—
I guess you didn’t read the recommendations for poor academic performance yet. It is located in the section of the online version of the eBook entitled “Emails From Exasperated Parents.”
Re: cyber bullying—
More and more, kids are using the Internet to antagonize and intimidate others. This has become known as cyber bullying. Today's young Internet users have created an interactive world away from adult knowledge and supervision. Because bullies tend to harass their victims away from the watchful eyes of adults, the Internet is the perfect tool for reaching others anonymously - anytime, anyplace. This means for many children, home is no longer a refuge from the cruel peer pressures of school.
The anonymity of online communications means kids feel freer to do things online they would never do in the real world. 60 per cent of students pretend to be someone else when they are online. Of those, 17 per cent do so because they want to "act mean to people and get away with it". Even if they can be identified online, young people can accuse someone else of using their screen name. They don't have to own their actions, and if a person can't be identified with an action, fear of punishment is diminished.
Technology can also affect a young person's ethical behavior because it doesn't provide tangible feedback about the consequences of actions on others. This lack of feedback minimizes feelings of empathy or remorse. Young people say things online that they would never say face-to-face because they feel removed from the action and the person at the receiving end.
There are several ways that young people bully others online. They send e-mails or instant messages containing insults or threats directly to a person. They may also spread hateful comments about a person through e-mail, instant messaging or postings on Web sites and online diaries. Young people steal passwords and send out threatening e-mails or instant messages using an assumed identity. Technically savvy kids may build whole Web sites, often with password protection, to target specific students or teachers.
An increasing number of kids are being bullied by text messages through their cell phones. These phones are challenging the ability of adults to monitor and guide children because, unlike a computer placed in a public area of a home, school or library, mobiles are personal, private, connected - and always accessible. Kids tend to keep their phones on at all times, meaning bullies can harass victims at school or even in their own rooms.
Built-in digital cameras in cell phones are adding a new dimension to the problem. In one case students used a camera-enabled cell phone to take a photo of an overweight classmate in the shower after gym. The picture was distributed throughout the school e-mail list within minutes.
Schools are struggling to address the issue of cyber bullying among students, especially when it occurs outside of school. When real world bullying occurs in a schoolyard or classroom, teachers are often able to intervene, but online bullying takes place off the radar screen of adults, making it difficult to detect in schools and impossible to monitor off school property.
Young people should be aware that some forms of online bullying are considered criminal acts. Under the Criminal Code, it is a crime to communicate repeatedly with someone if your communication causes them to fear for their own safety or the safety of others.
It's also a crime to publish a "defamatory libel" - writing something that is designed to insult a person or likely to injure a person's reputation by exposing him or her to hatred, contempt or ridicule.
A cyber bully may also be violating the Human Rights Act, if he or she spreads hate or discrimination based on race, national or ethnic origin, color, religion, age, sex, sexual orientation, marital status, family status or disability.
Internet service providers (ISPs) are the companies that provide Internet access to consumers. Most ISPs have Acceptable Use Policies (AUPs) that clearly define privileges and guidelines for those using their services, and the actions that can be taken if those guidelines are violated.
ISPs and cell phone service providers can respond to reports of cyber bullying over their networks, or help clients track down the appropriate service provider to respond to.
Cyber bullying is everyone's business and the best response is a pro-active or preventative one.
What parents can do—
1. Create an online agreement or contract for computer use, with your kids' input. Make sure your agreement contains clear rules about ethical online behaviour. MNet's research shows that in homes where parents have clear rules against certain kinds of activities, young people are much less likely to engage in them.
2. Encourage kids to develop their own moral code so they will choose to behave ethically online.
3. Encourage your kids to come to you if anybody says or does something online that makes them feel uncomfortable or threatened. Stay calm and keep the lines of communication and trust open. If you "freak out" your kids won't turn to you for help when they need it.
4. Learn everything you can about the Internet and what your kids are doing online. Talk to them about the places they go online and the activities that they are involved in. Be aware of what your kids are posting on Web sites, including their own personal home pages.
5. Talk to your kids about responsible Internet use.
6. Teach them to never post or say anything on the Internet that they wouldn't want the whole world - including you - to read.
7. If the bully is a student at your child's school, meet with school officials and ask for help in resolving the situation.
8. If your child is bullied through a cell phone, report the problem to your phone service provider. If it's a persistent problem, you can change the phone number.
9. Report any incident of online harassment and physical threats to your local police and your Internet Service Provider (ISP).
What schools can do—
·Change the school or board's bullying policy to include harassment perpetrated with mobile and Internet technology.
·Educate teachers, students and parents about the seriousness of cyber bullying.
·Integrate curriculum-based anti-bullying programs into classrooms.
·Update the school or board's computer Acceptable Use Policy (AUP) to specifically prohibit using the Internet for bullying.
What kids can do—
Because most incidents of bullying occur off adults' radar screens, it's important that young people learn to protect themselves online and respond to cyber bullying among peers when they encounter it.
Take a stand against cyber bullying with your peers. Speak out whenever you see someone being mean to another person online. Most kids respond better to criticism from their peers than to disapproval from adults.
Guard your contact information. Don't give people you don't know your cell phone number, instant messaging name or e-mail address.
If you are being harassed online, take the following actions immediately:
1. If the bullying includes physical threats, tell the police.
2. If you are being bullied through e-mail or instant messaging, block the sender's messages. Never reply to harassing messages.
3. If you are being harassed, leave the area or stop the activity (i.e. chat room, news group, online gaming area, instant messaging, etc.).
4. Save any harassing messages and forward them to your Internet Service Provider (i.e. Hotmail or Yahoo). Most service providers have appropriate use policies that restrict users from harassing others over the Internet - and that includes kids!
5. Tell an adult you trust - a teacher, parent, older sibling or grandparent.
One last thought— Bipolar teens tend to respond very well to mentors, or Big Brothers. Find a trusted adult (preferably not a family member) who will be willing to be your son’s friend and confidant, and who will work with him for many years to come.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Our life has been hell for the past 2 years...
Dear Mark,
My name is E___, and our son's name is J___ (he is 15 yrs old). J___ has been sentenced to a four month open custody at the Young Offenders Centre and 2 month community supervision sentence which may be served at home or in a group home, we don't know yet. The judge ordered child welfare to be in contact with us 45 days prior to his May 30 release date from open custody to be involved to find a home for him for assessment and treatment. We had a case conference at the Centre last week as he is eligible for a group home during his open custody. It was decided by them to keep him there for 2 months as a stabilization time before he is moved.
His sentence was for breaching the conditions of his probation (he had 3 breaches)...not following the rules of the house, drug (marijuana use), and not going to school. His involvement with the law started last spring when he was running away and not coming home for days. In that time he was charged with shoplifting a skateboard and the police put conditions on him, which he had no regard for. One month later he was also charged with stealing our motor vehicle. We charged him after the third time taking it. The courts then put more conditions on him and he was arrested several times for breaching his conditions and held in custody for 2 - 3 days 3 times. He was finally put on house arrest while he waited for a pre-sentence report and actually did pretty good in that time. He was put on a year probation last August and as soon as probation started he began not following his conditions. After several times in court - sometimes dates being moved, etc. He was to be sentenced on Dec 6 of last year and went to court stoned and they held him for a week so that he wasn't under the influence at sentencing. At that time he was sentenced to 90 hours community service and told one more breach and he would be sentenced to some time. He kept putting it off and asking for update on his sentence report, which happened in fall as well, but was unable to comply and continued to not follow his conditions (it was myself who reported his breached to the probation officer. His sentence came on Jan 31/08. That's the background.
J___ is not angry with us and realizes to some degree his consequence. He calls us everyday (he only has 10 minutes) and we have been visiting on the weekends at the centre. He says he realizes that his marijuana use was coming before everything else. He says he wants to make changes, change some of his friends. We are going this weekend to see him along with the drug addictions for a counselling session. What he is not understanding is the length of his sentence because there are other people who have less sentences for worse things. We have tried to tell him its not just for the 3 breaches but all the other breaches (probably about 20 plus) since last summer, and that when the same judge sees you 10 times. We try to tell him he was given lots of opportunities by the courts and us. We tried to have house rules and you didn't follow them as well as not following your probation. He has put in appeal for the length of his sentence and we did tell him a couple of weeks ago that we don't support and we won't go against the judge's decision.
I've started reading through your book online, and yes we've been through tons of counselling. Eventually he will come home and I feel the changes need to start happening now even though he is not at home, even in our conversations. He does have a mentor that he calls and talks to (he talked to you last week - Tom Barthel). I would like some suggestions on how we can communicate with him effectively so that he realizes that people care about him and that when rules aren't followed like you say in your book, society will control him. Also so that we support him but can't enable him. He is a good kid at heart, very intelligent and polite, but defiant and making some bad choices and his life was definitely heading down the toilet. My husband and I love him dearly. Our life has been hell for the past 2 years especially the last year.
I would love any immediate suggestions.
Thank you,
E.
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Hi E.,
Re: I would love any immediate suggestions.
I would simply "let go" and allow him to experience his natural consequence (i.e., the sentence). Other people are taking care of the discipline side of things for now. I don't think you need to do anything additional in the meantime (other than accept his phone calls and making your weekly visits).
During his first week home, implement Session #1 Assignments. Week two, implement Session #2, and so on.
Re: I would like some advice on how we can effectively start communicating.
First of all, implement Session #1 Assignments when he returns home as stated above.
Also, the strategies in the eBook entitled "The Art of Saying Yes" ..."The Art of Saying No" ..."When You Want Something From Your Kid" ...and "I See - I Feel - I Want" will be effective in weeks 2, 3, and 4.
Mark
Online Parent Support
My name is E___, and our son's name is J___ (he is 15 yrs old). J___ has been sentenced to a four month open custody at the Young Offenders Centre and 2 month community supervision sentence which may be served at home or in a group home, we don't know yet. The judge ordered child welfare to be in contact with us 45 days prior to his May 30 release date from open custody to be involved to find a home for him for assessment and treatment. We had a case conference at the Centre last week as he is eligible for a group home during his open custody. It was decided by them to keep him there for 2 months as a stabilization time before he is moved.
His sentence was for breaching the conditions of his probation (he had 3 breaches)...not following the rules of the house, drug (marijuana use), and not going to school. His involvement with the law started last spring when he was running away and not coming home for days. In that time he was charged with shoplifting a skateboard and the police put conditions on him, which he had no regard for. One month later he was also charged with stealing our motor vehicle. We charged him after the third time taking it. The courts then put more conditions on him and he was arrested several times for breaching his conditions and held in custody for 2 - 3 days 3 times. He was finally put on house arrest while he waited for a pre-sentence report and actually did pretty good in that time. He was put on a year probation last August and as soon as probation started he began not following his conditions. After several times in court - sometimes dates being moved, etc. He was to be sentenced on Dec 6 of last year and went to court stoned and they held him for a week so that he wasn't under the influence at sentencing. At that time he was sentenced to 90 hours community service and told one more breach and he would be sentenced to some time. He kept putting it off and asking for update on his sentence report, which happened in fall as well, but was unable to comply and continued to not follow his conditions (it was myself who reported his breached to the probation officer. His sentence came on Jan 31/08. That's the background.
J___ is not angry with us and realizes to some degree his consequence. He calls us everyday (he only has 10 minutes) and we have been visiting on the weekends at the centre. He says he realizes that his marijuana use was coming before everything else. He says he wants to make changes, change some of his friends. We are going this weekend to see him along with the drug addictions for a counselling session. What he is not understanding is the length of his sentence because there are other people who have less sentences for worse things. We have tried to tell him its not just for the 3 breaches but all the other breaches (probably about 20 plus) since last summer, and that when the same judge sees you 10 times. We try to tell him he was given lots of opportunities by the courts and us. We tried to have house rules and you didn't follow them as well as not following your probation. He has put in appeal for the length of his sentence and we did tell him a couple of weeks ago that we don't support and we won't go against the judge's decision.
I've started reading through your book online, and yes we've been through tons of counselling. Eventually he will come home and I feel the changes need to start happening now even though he is not at home, even in our conversations. He does have a mentor that he calls and talks to (he talked to you last week - Tom Barthel). I would like some suggestions on how we can communicate with him effectively so that he realizes that people care about him and that when rules aren't followed like you say in your book, society will control him. Also so that we support him but can't enable him. He is a good kid at heart, very intelligent and polite, but defiant and making some bad choices and his life was definitely heading down the toilet. My husband and I love him dearly. Our life has been hell for the past 2 years especially the last year.
I would love any immediate suggestions.
Thank you,
E.
````````````````````````````
Hi E.,
Re: I would love any immediate suggestions.
I would simply "let go" and allow him to experience his natural consequence (i.e., the sentence). Other people are taking care of the discipline side of things for now. I don't think you need to do anything additional in the meantime (other than accept his phone calls and making your weekly visits).
During his first week home, implement Session #1 Assignments. Week two, implement Session #2, and so on.
Re: I would like some advice on how we can effectively start communicating.
First of all, implement Session #1 Assignments when he returns home as stated above.
Also, the strategies in the eBook entitled "The Art of Saying Yes" ..."The Art of Saying No" ..."When You Want Something From Your Kid" ...and "I See - I Feel - I Want" will be effective in weeks 2, 3, and 4.
Mark
Online Parent Support
3 Strikes?
"Mark,
What do you think of the “3-strikes-you’re-out” rule. We thought we would give our 15-year-old son one verbal warning for misbehavior, if the problem continued, give him one written warning, if the problem continued, issue the 3-day discipline. Have you heard of anyone trying this? Do you think it will work?
Thanks in advance,
M."
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Hi M.,
I don’t think this method will hurt anything, but I don’t recommend it because it will be a waste of your time and energy. The “3-strikes method” is just another traditional parenting strategy that makes little – if any – change in the child’s behavior. I find that when you give a kid 3 strikes -- he uses all 3.
Teenagers, by definition, push against the world to see how it will push back …they test the limits …they spend a lot of time figuring out how much they can get away with. This is normal for a teenager. Thus, you can count on your son using all 3 strikes. A better method would be “When You Want Something From Your Kid” in the eBook (a “1-strike-and-your-out” method).
Mark @ Online Parent Support
Parents Are Not On The Same Page With Parenting Strategies
Well we just joined your program so we haven't even read all the way through the information, but the question I have is how do you convince your spouse to try this program? The reason I ask is his patience are at the end. We have a 14 year old that has ADHD, ODD, is bi-polar and has separation anxiety disorder. He is quite a challenge and there are days when we feel like there is NO hope. He is failing 3 of his required classes in school also? Just wanting to know how to get my spouse on the same page and to help him have some patience!
Click here for my response...
Click here for my response...
How long? How long?
Mark, It's been a while since I updated you on our family. M is in intensive probation as you recall. He had his first court hearing yesterday. They couldn't bring up the fight or the driving past curfew (from 9/07) since they did not have the completed paperwork from the prosecutor. He has started back to work, going to his counselor once a week, taking his ADHD rx (that I know of) is attending school every day (I am transporting to/from however) and he is maintaining all A's and B's with a C in psychology. Our home life, however is slower to come around. He is keeping himself very isolated in his room. He is either playing with his laptop, PSP, I-pod, etc. He will cook food for himself and leave a mess. Whenever he is asked to help out in the home, he either just says "no" or says "in a minute" and then never does it. The littlest thing will get him angry and then the F#*& come rapidly. They are aimed usually at me, and not just in conversation.
He misused his laptop the other day, I asked him to put it away, he didn't and the F bombs started, he threw his pillow at me (I believe he showed restraint here as his bedroom was recently painted and with new furniture), but I told him if the behaviour did not stop he would lose his laptop (we are blocking his Facebook page and he keeps trying to find a way around it, and was very mad that it was blocked again). He was at school the next day, and I locked up his laptop. He immediately went for it (it was gone) and then starting trashing the house looking for it. He turned over my bed, upturned all the chairs, sofa, etc. He started throwing things out of my china cabinet, and when I warned him, he did show restraint and not break any dishes/glassware. I took my keys, told him to clean up his mess, and the 24hrs would start when it was clean. I left. When I got back, younger brother had put back all the furniture/bed but not the contents of china cabinets and some papers I had that were scattered. M was just laying on sofa. I calmly told him he had 5 minutes or I would take pictures and loss of computer would be 7 days. He chose to do nothing. Within a day or so, he was talking to me again, etc. and has NOT asked for computer. Husband however, told M "I would give you back your computer". He has not been backing me as he has done before. I feel he has given up. He gets angry, shows the anger, blows over the top, and then furiously back pedals. This is definitely not helping.
Last counseling visit, we parents were not called in (parents are usually included first or last 10-15minutes). Dad has only recently agreed to go with us, (it is VERY difficult) and the counselor did not call for us. Husband very upset, yelling, and probably will never go back. He says M is the one with the problem, not him, it is a total waste of time, etc, etc.
Mark, I realize that we probably won't see any REAL genuine improvement until M accepts responsibility for all of this, but how long before we see improvement in the home? His behaviour has been a real issue for almost 2 yrs now. Bosses at work, co-workers, teachers, etc. say he is polite etc. to them. The devil only shows himself at home. Counselor and PO say it will take time for him to "adjust". How long?
Also, husband and I truly believe M is just waiting until he is off probation and then he will go back to his old behaviors/old friends. He is 17 now and knows we don't have much "power" to control him anymore. We would like to ask the referee to keep him on probation until he is 18 (2/2009)--currently scheduled to be off 4/3/08 if he continues to do well. Have you heard of anyone asking this before and how was it accepted?
I should mention that M doesn't talk to us. When we try to talk to him about anything other than superficial he gets angry and the F bombs start to fly. When do you think he will start to open up to us?
Click here for my response...
Don't Procrastinate!
Dear Mark:
Our daughter refuses to meet us half way. Today she left the house to go to a friend’s. Without permission! The list goes on and on. Will your book really help with this kind of problem child? We feel helpless as to what to do. We can’t lock her up. We can't forcibly restrain her - and don`t dare strike her. She is 15.
D.
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Hi D.,
I can – and will – help you, but you're the one who will have to take some action.
In answer to your question, "Will your book really help with this kind of problem child" ...it absolutely will help! I'm not going to bullshit you, though. The work will be tough -- but the reward will be well worth the effort. It all depends on how serious you are to implement change. Don't procrastinate!
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
Our daughter refuses to meet us half way. Today she left the house to go to a friend’s. Without permission! The list goes on and on. Will your book really help with this kind of problem child? We feel helpless as to what to do. We can’t lock her up. We can't forcibly restrain her - and don`t dare strike her. She is 15.
D.
````````````````````````````
Hi D.,
I can – and will – help you, but you're the one who will have to take some action.
In answer to your question, "Will your book really help with this kind of problem child" ...it absolutely will help! I'm not going to bullshit you, though. The work will be tough -- but the reward will be well worth the effort. It all depends on how serious you are to implement change. Don't procrastinate!
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
It works, it really works!
Mark,
I wanted you to see what the teacher has said since we last spoke! We have had a victory- hopefully the beginning of many! It works, it really works! You are a God send!
THANK GOD!! WOOHOOO
THANK YOU!!!
Teach writes:
So far today he has continued to surprise me. He has done wonderfully. Way to go mom. Now we know the rest of the story and what needs to be done to get his attention. He is a great kid!!!
B.I.
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I wanted you to know that D___ had a terrific day yesterday. He finish all the assignments he was missing and he raised his hand the correct way to get help. He followed all the rules just like he was supposed to do. He earned his behavior clip and he seemed to be very proud of it. He has come in this morning and without my telling him he started to work. I am seeing a totally different kid and I love it. I will try to let you know more later.
Thanks, B.I.
I wanted you to see what the teacher has said since we last spoke! We have had a victory- hopefully the beginning of many! It works, it really works! You are a God send!
THANK GOD!! WOOHOOO
THANK YOU!!!
Teach writes:
So far today he has continued to surprise me. He has done wonderfully. Way to go mom. Now we know the rest of the story and what needs to be done to get his attention. He is a great kid!!!
B.I.
```````````````
I wanted you to know that D___ had a terrific day yesterday. He finish all the assignments he was missing and he raised his hand the correct way to get help. He followed all the rules just like he was supposed to do. He earned his behavior clip and he seemed to be very proud of it. He has come in this morning and without my telling him he started to work. I am seeing a totally different kid and I love it. I will try to let you know more later.
Thanks, B.I.
Let Go?
I’ve purchased your online book and have a question. I was reading towards the end of the book about School which is a huge deal for us. Over the years I’ve tried working it both ways as far as no consequences for grades – leaving my son to be responsible, to being involved and enforcing consequences for F’s. Like the person in your book, I am presently enforcing restriction of cell phone and activities off the block with friends until grades are brought up to the next grading period (6 weeks).
Although I can understand letting go, and have felt the relief of letting go myself in the past, I do have a bipolar kid. I feel like if I don’t maintain involvement that because of the disorder he won’t succeed. My guilt always draws me back in. My involvement, or what I’m doing now is not working though – he just gets progressively more depressed and angry as time goes on. So, bipolar and all, do I still let go? My son is 15 years old and is a sophomore.
K.
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Can I answer your question in 3 points:
1. Yes
2. Definitely
3. Absolutely
O.K. I'm being sarcastic. But bipolar or not, you will do well to follow the recommendations as they are outlined.
Thanks for the email,
Mark
Online Parent Support
Although I can understand letting go, and have felt the relief of letting go myself in the past, I do have a bipolar kid. I feel like if I don’t maintain involvement that because of the disorder he won’t succeed. My guilt always draws me back in. My involvement, or what I’m doing now is not working though – he just gets progressively more depressed and angry as time goes on. So, bipolar and all, do I still let go? My son is 15 years old and is a sophomore.
K.
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Can I answer your question in 3 points:
1. Yes
2. Definitely
3. Absolutely
O.K. I'm being sarcastic. But bipolar or not, you will do well to follow the recommendations as they are outlined.
Thanks for the email,
Mark
Online Parent Support
18-year-old Daughter is Lazy, Ungrateful and Spiteful
To stop her lazing in bed all day watching TV I have disconnected it, I also disconnected her phone as she recently run up a HUGE bill which she was unable to pay as she has no money! However I have since comprimised and allowed her phone to receive incoming calls as she said that she had left her phone number with jobs that she'd applied for. This evening I asked her casually what her plans were for tomorrow she said "dunno, nothing really", and I said "well it would be helpful if you could vacuum round for me", she replied "NO WAY! Why should I when you've stopped me from making calls on my mobile? and anyway I hate you!" (that bit hurt)
I felt this was totally uncalled for and felt like shouting at her for being so ungrateful and spiteful, however I managed to keep my cool and said calmly well I think that’s very unfair. With that she went upstairs to bed, I have since text her as I fear I will get angry and hurt if I speak to her, in the text I said well if that’s how you feel and you won't even help around the house then maybe I should send back those new wardrobes I just bought for you. She hasn't replied! Am I doing the right thing? I feel as though I am just thinking what else can I take away from her! How else can I address her lack of motivation and laziness, she’s not on drugs but has no ambition or get up and go! Many Thanks ~ J.
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Hi J.,
Please refer to the section of the eBook entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [in the Anger Management chapter – online version].
With all due respect Dear Mom, I can see by your email that you are still using “soft love” as opposed to “tough love.” I’m concerned for you that she may never leave the nest, as she is too comfortable in there.
If she is contemplating college in September, then I’m guessing she is 17-years-old or so, which means she is an adult (at least in the physical sense). The latest parenting challenge is dealing with emerging adults who have no intention of leaving the nest. Many 17- to 24-year-olds either return home after college or they've never even left home. The media refers to them as "Boomerang Kids." Parents are worried that their kids won't leave home.
This new phenomenon is highlighted in the movie Failure to Launch. Matthew McConaughey plays Tripp, 30-something bachelor whose parents want him out of the house. They've hired Paula (Sarah Jessica Parker), an interventionist, to help him move out. Paula has a track record of successfully boosting men's self-confidence to cause them to want to be independent.
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
Interestingly, this story line is not as far-fetched as it may seem. Young adults are indeed becoming more difficult to coax out of their comfy childhood homes.
Since the '70s, the number of 24-year-olds still living at home has nearly doubled! Here are the top 4 factors contributing to this change:
1. They Are Unprepared
They are overwhelmed or unmotivated to live independently. They would rather play it safe by occupying the family home, playing computer games and delivering pizza.
These kids often grow up living the life of the privileged. Here, well-meaning parents provide their children with all the amenities congruent with an affluent lifestyle. The parents are focused on doing more for their children than what their parents did for them – at the expense of keeping them dependent. Kids don't move out because they've got it made!
When your financial generosity isn't combined with teaching kids how to become self-sufficient at an early age, we cannot expect them to automatically possess adequate life skills when they reach legal adulthood. How will they gain the skills to confidently live their own life when they haven't had the opportunity to do things for themselves?
2. They Are Cautious or Clueless
They are committed, but unsure how to discover their ideal career path. They approach college with the same trial and error mindset their parents had only to find out that it no longer prepares them for today's competitive world.
Parents do their kids a disservice by waiting until they are 17 or 18 before initiating career-related discussions. In our dynamic society where change is a daily diet, this is much too late! It's best to start young, at age 13. This stage of development is the perfect time to begin connecting the dots between what they love to do and possible career options. It can take years to prepare for the perfect career. Beginning early will help teens maximize their opportunities in high school and make college a much better investment.
3. They Have Personal Problems
They don't have effective life coping skills, have failed relationships or are grieving some other loss or wrestling with a challenging life event.
In Failure to Launch, we learn that Tripp's parents indulged him largely because the woman he loved died, and he hasn't gotten over his loss. When Tripp falls in love with Paula – the new girl of his dreams – his self-sabotaging habit of dumping a girl before she can get too close gets reactivated. Finally, his friends intervene and Tripp eventually faces his demons, to everyone's delight.
If your teen is struggling emotionally, don't make the mistake of thinking it will somehow magically get better without an intervention. Tough love requires that you insist your adolescent get professional help so that he or she can move forward. If you don't know how to have that kind of conversation, consider getting help from a parenting expert.
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
4. They Have Mounting Debt
They've accumulated significant credit card debt and moving back in with their parents is a way to pay it off. According to the National Credit Card Research Foundation, 55 percent of students ages 16 to 22 have at least one credit card. If your teen falls into this group, make sure you monitor spending together online. Helping your teen understand how to budget and manage credit cards will be important for handling a household budget in the future.
Kids can't learn to manage money if they don't have any or if parents always pay for everything. If your offspring moves back home, I recommend you charge a nominal amount for room and board. As an adult member of your household, it's important for your young adult to contribute to household chores and expenses.
If the purpose of your child's return home is to pay off bills or a college loan, have a realistic plan and stick to the plan to make sure your young adult moves out of the house.
Determine Goals and Stick to Them— Most parents enjoy having their children visit and will consider offering some short-term help. However, indulging an adult child's inaction does not help your son or daughter begin his or her own life. If your child defaults on your agreement, be willing to enforce consequences to help him or her launch into responsible adulthood.
Mark
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
Confused?
I've read thru the online book thru the 1st set of assignments. I feel like I have so many problems with my child that I don't know where to begin. He has ADD, ODD, depression and presently refusing to attend school....Actually reading your information so far has me confused as to what i should work on. Help! He's 15yrs old, and even routine simple requests turn into major issues.
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In this first week, I simply want you to work only on the objectives outlined in Session #1 assignments – nothing more for now. The objectives are pretty straightforward.
The goal of week one is to re-establish the broken bond between child and parent. We as parents must build a bridge back to our kids because, only then, will they accept discipline from us. Thus, concentrate on establishing trust and developing a renewed commitment to the parent-child relationship by following the Session #1 objectives.
The most common mistake I see time and time again is as follows:
The parent, out of a sense of desperation, (a) prints out a hard copy of the eBook, (b) skims through it in one sitting, (c) can’t find a magic bullet, and (d) says to herself – or to me – that she’s tried all this before and it doesn’t work. These parents will never, ever see success because they hop from one strategy to the next without giving any one strategy enough time to be effective. Please do not make this error. Be patient with the process, and you, too, will experience success with this program.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
``````````````````````````````````````````````
In this first week, I simply want you to work only on the objectives outlined in Session #1 assignments – nothing more for now. The objectives are pretty straightforward.
The goal of week one is to re-establish the broken bond between child and parent. We as parents must build a bridge back to our kids because, only then, will they accept discipline from us. Thus, concentrate on establishing trust and developing a renewed commitment to the parent-child relationship by following the Session #1 objectives.
The most common mistake I see time and time again is as follows:
The parent, out of a sense of desperation, (a) prints out a hard copy of the eBook, (b) skims through it in one sitting, (c) can’t find a magic bullet, and (d) says to herself – or to me – that she’s tried all this before and it doesn’t work. These parents will never, ever see success because they hop from one strategy to the next without giving any one strategy enough time to be effective. Please do not make this error. Be patient with the process, and you, too, will experience success with this program.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
David 's Story
This is the true story of a man who has Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and ADHD. His name is David.
David was diagnosed with ODD at the age of 3 and ADHD at the age of 6. His mother had him tested by a psychiatrist, because he would often lose his temper, argue, refuse to comply with rules, deliberately annoy his playmates, and blamed others for his misbehavior. This disturbance in behavior caused significant impairment in his social and academic functioning.
No one knows for certain why David got ODD plus ADHD. His parents divorced when he was 5. His father is an alcoholic and has been in trouble with the law many times [currently in prison – 2008].
When David was 3 years old, his mother thought that the terrible twos were finally over. They were not. His mother was very grateful that the grandparents were nearby. The grandparents were grateful that David's aunts and uncles lived nearby. David's aunt was grateful that this was her nephew, not her son. Why? David required an incredible combination of strength, patience, and endurance.
In elementary school, David's day usually started out with arguing about what he could and couldn’t bring to school. His mother and his teacher made out a written list of what those things were. David brought a PSP to school and told his teacher that his mother said it was alright. At first his teacher wondered about this, but David seemed so believable.
When David was 15 and in the ninth grade, he seemed to have one problem after the other. His teachers always commented that he was capable of much more if he tried. David's best friend, Alex, was currently doing a 6-month sentence for vandalism and shoplifting. Since David had almost no other friends, he would do anything to be Alex’s friend. David thought it was "cool" that Alex was at the Madison County Youth Center. David wanted to be just like his good friend Alex.
When David was 16, his mother had to work a lot because she wasn’t getting any child support from her ex-husband. David could pretty much go wherever he wanted to - whenever he wanted to since no one was home to keep a check on him. During this time, David found a lot of “cool” friends like Alex to hang around.
When David was 17 and in high school, his mother would not let him go to a dance. He broke all the windows in her car. He lasted two months in 11th grade before he was suspended for fighting. David lost the few “good” friends he had by getting kicked off the football team. He swore at a judge during a probation hearing and got two months in the Madison County Youth Center, which was extended to six months after he tried to attack a guard.
After his release from the Youth Center, he wanted to be able to drive. His mother said no, and he decided that was it and went over to a friend’s house and got drunk out of his mind. He also took a bunch of pills – and ended up over-dosing. His mother still remembers those words, "You'll be f-ing better off without me and if you come after me I'll f-ing kill you".
That horrible day was the turning point. It took five police officers to get him to go to the hospital. It took a careful evaluation to figure out that he wasn't just ODD and ADHD - he was very depressed, too.
David is now an adult. Life is not easy. He has already been to prison twice and is following in his father’s footsteps. When he’s not incarcerated, he works by himself [doing little construction jobs here and there] because he cannot get along with co-workers and doesn’t like to be told what to do by bosses. He leads to a very lonely life because he cannot keep a girlfriend for more than a few months.
David has made several suicide attempts, has seriously assaulted two individuals on two different occasions while at the local bar and grill, and makes a little side money selling drugs [he also carries a gun]. David is unaware that he has an increased risk of dying prematurely by violent means.
David never sees his father. His mother has made herself sick worrying about David. But David doesn’t really care whether he lives or dies. He is consumed with finding his next “high” and will bulldoze over anyone or anything that stands in his way.
Don’t happen to run into David on the streets.
If your child has Oppositional Defiant Disorder, seek help sooner than later.
Treatment of Oppositional Defiant Disorder includes:
·Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy to assist problem solving and decrease negativity
·Family Psychotherapy to improve communication
·Individual Psychotherapy to develop more effective anger management
·Parent Training Programs to help manage the child's behavior
·Social Skills Training to increase flexibility and improve frustration tolerance with peers
Parents can help their child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder in the following ways:
·Always build on the positives, give the child praise and positive reinforcement when he shows flexibility or cooperation.
·Maintain interests other than your child with ODD, so that managing your child doesn't take all your time and energy.
·Manage your own stress with exercise and relaxation.
·Pick your battles. Since the child with ODD has trouble avoiding power struggles, prioritize the things you want your child to do.
·Set up reasonable, age appropriate limits with consequences that can be enforced consistently. Take a time-out or break if you are about to make the conflict with your child worse, not better.
Online Parent Support
David was diagnosed with ODD at the age of 3 and ADHD at the age of 6. His mother had him tested by a psychiatrist, because he would often lose his temper, argue, refuse to comply with rules, deliberately annoy his playmates, and blamed others for his misbehavior. This disturbance in behavior caused significant impairment in his social and academic functioning.
No one knows for certain why David got ODD plus ADHD. His parents divorced when he was 5. His father is an alcoholic and has been in trouble with the law many times [currently in prison – 2008].
When David was 3 years old, his mother thought that the terrible twos were finally over. They were not. His mother was very grateful that the grandparents were nearby. The grandparents were grateful that David's aunts and uncles lived nearby. David's aunt was grateful that this was her nephew, not her son. Why? David required an incredible combination of strength, patience, and endurance.
In elementary school, David's day usually started out with arguing about what he could and couldn’t bring to school. His mother and his teacher made out a written list of what those things were. David brought a PSP to school and told his teacher that his mother said it was alright. At first his teacher wondered about this, but David seemed so believable.
When David was 15 and in the ninth grade, he seemed to have one problem after the other. His teachers always commented that he was capable of much more if he tried. David's best friend, Alex, was currently doing a 6-month sentence for vandalism and shoplifting. Since David had almost no other friends, he would do anything to be Alex’s friend. David thought it was "cool" that Alex was at the Madison County Youth Center. David wanted to be just like his good friend Alex.
When David was 16, his mother had to work a lot because she wasn’t getting any child support from her ex-husband. David could pretty much go wherever he wanted to - whenever he wanted to since no one was home to keep a check on him. During this time, David found a lot of “cool” friends like Alex to hang around.
When David was 17 and in high school, his mother would not let him go to a dance. He broke all the windows in her car. He lasted two months in 11th grade before he was suspended for fighting. David lost the few “good” friends he had by getting kicked off the football team. He swore at a judge during a probation hearing and got two months in the Madison County Youth Center, which was extended to six months after he tried to attack a guard.
After his release from the Youth Center, he wanted to be able to drive. His mother said no, and he decided that was it and went over to a friend’s house and got drunk out of his mind. He also took a bunch of pills – and ended up over-dosing. His mother still remembers those words, "You'll be f-ing better off without me and if you come after me I'll f-ing kill you".
That horrible day was the turning point. It took five police officers to get him to go to the hospital. It took a careful evaluation to figure out that he wasn't just ODD and ADHD - he was very depressed, too.
David is now an adult. Life is not easy. He has already been to prison twice and is following in his father’s footsteps. When he’s not incarcerated, he works by himself [doing little construction jobs here and there] because he cannot get along with co-workers and doesn’t like to be told what to do by bosses. He leads to a very lonely life because he cannot keep a girlfriend for more than a few months.
David has made several suicide attempts, has seriously assaulted two individuals on two different occasions while at the local bar and grill, and makes a little side money selling drugs [he also carries a gun]. David is unaware that he has an increased risk of dying prematurely by violent means.
David never sees his father. His mother has made herself sick worrying about David. But David doesn’t really care whether he lives or dies. He is consumed with finding his next “high” and will bulldoze over anyone or anything that stands in his way.
Don’t happen to run into David on the streets.
If your child has Oppositional Defiant Disorder, seek help sooner than later.
Treatment of Oppositional Defiant Disorder includes:
·Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy to assist problem solving and decrease negativity
·Family Psychotherapy to improve communication
·Individual Psychotherapy to develop more effective anger management
·Parent Training Programs to help manage the child's behavior
·Social Skills Training to increase flexibility and improve frustration tolerance with peers
Parents can help their child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder in the following ways:
·Always build on the positives, give the child praise and positive reinforcement when he shows flexibility or cooperation.
·Maintain interests other than your child with ODD, so that managing your child doesn't take all your time and energy.
·Manage your own stress with exercise and relaxation.
·Pick your battles. Since the child with ODD has trouble avoiding power struggles, prioritize the things you want your child to do.
·Set up reasonable, age appropriate limits with consequences that can be enforced consistently. Take a time-out or break if you are about to make the conflict with your child worse, not better.
Online Parent Support
She DID the dishes...
"It was a Godsend to speak to you, and again -- I thank you!
I am better today. Lia is home. I tried your the technique you teach of "give some praise through a wired shut by anger mouth"... :-) ..., yesterday on Lia. She DID the dishes, 1st time out and good.
After she finished them I said "TTTttttttthhhhhhaaannnnnkkkkk (aaarrrgggggggaAAaag) Yyyyyoooouuuu.
You did the dishes great and even put them away without being asked. Want to help with dinner?"...
I swear she stood frozen, like a deer cemented in headlights, and eventually said "sure". So today is a new day. A thankful while hopeful day for the ONE day of peace I had yesterday and for the hope of adding another day today. It is at least a start. Thank you!"
Take Care,
D.
Online Parent Support
I am better today. Lia is home. I tried your the technique you teach of "give some praise through a wired shut by anger mouth"... :-) ..., yesterday on Lia. She DID the dishes, 1st time out and good.
After she finished them I said "TTTttttttthhhhhhaaannnnnkkkkk (aaarrrgggggggaAAaag) Yyyyyoooouuuu.
You did the dishes great and even put them away without being asked. Want to help with dinner?"...
I swear she stood frozen, like a deer cemented in headlights, and eventually said "sure". So today is a new day. A thankful while hopeful day for the ONE day of peace I had yesterday and for the hope of adding another day today. It is at least a start. Thank you!"
Take Care,
D.
Online Parent Support
E-book is proving very helpful...
Dear Mark,
I just want to say your ebook is proving very helpful. I am almost 57 (A___) and have an adolescent son my height (14 in May) and another son 13 in August (who's shoulder height). I am a single mother - I agreed to 50/50 childcare on the divorce application 2 years ago, but have been dumped with 90 - 95% childcare, because my ex-husband took off to a place a 2-and -a-half-hour drive away, and sees the sons he wanted, only in holidays and a weekend a month whenever he dictates. When he left our home, and had bought a new place with a new partner BEFORE our divorce application was even lodged, I had the relief that my 'eldest dependent son' had left home. Yes, I was bullied and intimidated into doing everything - earning all the money, paying all the bills, doing the main bulk (deliberate redundancy there) of childcare (getting children to school en route to my job) and housework. And burning out. I see from your book I was the over-indulgent wife. Yes, indeed (due to intimidation, and his lack of educational skills, I think.)
And my ex-husband, March 2 is now in my elder son. I have no family in this city, all 5 uncles are in different countries, both grand-dads are dead, the father is a long way away, there are no male first cousins, so all in all I lack on-the-spot male role models for my sons, other than their school teachers. I tried to get them into scouting, but my ex-husband who actually was an Assistant Scout Leader, and scout-leadered other people's sons, just took off 3 months after our separation and ignored that request / necessity. There was a scout club hardly one kilometre from where his first flat was...OK, it sucks. I feel sad for my sons on this one, but without a car, can't do anything about it.
I bought your book last Friday, and we started a new era of parenting. I think I'm the HERO and the lost child - the one that hid in poplar trees, away from her father's almighty painful excessive use of the cane. I write peaceful music, and publish CDs and sheet music. That strong side of me has continued unabated throughout this pattern, I now see from your wise book, of being bullied and intimidated.
Today I refused to write my son a note to his history teacher asking for an extension. He's had 3 days to do it. My heart has become poker-faced, knowing I have to develop my sons' educational paths (which I accepted, and knew my marriage would disappear in order to achieve it) but now I'm aware I have to face up to the social / behavioural training for them as well to be acceptable to society. I know my elder son is pulling away from me - yes, I'm fired as the manager - and this is utterly necessary, but from now on, rather than my reacting to the bad manners (e.g. throwing an envelope on the floor at my feet - for school photos) and insisting on good manners, I have to PROACTIVELY set the limits and my expectations. And do the cheating - of positive verbal affirmation when things done well - which I have always done to a large extent, just like to the pets.
I will be reading up on Parent Traps at lunchtime. You can see I'm basically 2 generations older than my sons, with no family support anywhere around - the 2 grandmas are in a different country. It's good to have your invitation to on the odd occasion say how useful your material is. I used to be a high school teacher, and knew theoretically about Tough Love - even recommended it to the parents of out-of-control kids who ended up as suspensions on the school I was at. Now, I'm learning about the social necessity for this (gentler) form of Tough Love myself. Vital. There's a Big Brother Big Sister network I've found - my sons don't want anything to do with it, but as Mum, I've decided I do! So, that will be underway today. Google is very helpful.
Thanks,
K.
Online Parent Support
I just want to say your ebook is proving very helpful. I am almost 57 (A___) and have an adolescent son my height (14 in May) and another son 13 in August (who's shoulder height). I am a single mother - I agreed to 50/50 childcare on the divorce application 2 years ago, but have been dumped with 90 - 95% childcare, because my ex-husband took off to a place a 2-and -a-half-hour drive away, and sees the sons he wanted, only in holidays and a weekend a month whenever he dictates. When he left our home, and had bought a new place with a new partner BEFORE our divorce application was even lodged, I had the relief that my 'eldest dependent son' had left home. Yes, I was bullied and intimidated into doing everything - earning all the money, paying all the bills, doing the main bulk (deliberate redundancy there) of childcare (getting children to school en route to my job) and housework. And burning out. I see from your book I was the over-indulgent wife. Yes, indeed (due to intimidation, and his lack of educational skills, I think.)
And my ex-husband, March 2 is now in my elder son. I have no family in this city, all 5 uncles are in different countries, both grand-dads are dead, the father is a long way away, there are no male first cousins, so all in all I lack on-the-spot male role models for my sons, other than their school teachers. I tried to get them into scouting, but my ex-husband who actually was an Assistant Scout Leader, and scout-leadered other people's sons, just took off 3 months after our separation and ignored that request / necessity. There was a scout club hardly one kilometre from where his first flat was...OK, it sucks. I feel sad for my sons on this one, but without a car, can't do anything about it.
I bought your book last Friday, and we started a new era of parenting. I think I'm the HERO and the lost child - the one that hid in poplar trees, away from her father's almighty painful excessive use of the cane. I write peaceful music, and publish CDs and sheet music. That strong side of me has continued unabated throughout this pattern, I now see from your wise book, of being bullied and intimidated.
Today I refused to write my son a note to his history teacher asking for an extension. He's had 3 days to do it. My heart has become poker-faced, knowing I have to develop my sons' educational paths (which I accepted, and knew my marriage would disappear in order to achieve it) but now I'm aware I have to face up to the social / behavioural training for them as well to be acceptable to society. I know my elder son is pulling away from me - yes, I'm fired as the manager - and this is utterly necessary, but from now on, rather than my reacting to the bad manners (e.g. throwing an envelope on the floor at my feet - for school photos) and insisting on good manners, I have to PROACTIVELY set the limits and my expectations. And do the cheating - of positive verbal affirmation when things done well - which I have always done to a large extent, just like to the pets.
I will be reading up on Parent Traps at lunchtime. You can see I'm basically 2 generations older than my sons, with no family support anywhere around - the 2 grandmas are in a different country. It's good to have your invitation to on the odd occasion say how useful your material is. I used to be a high school teacher, and knew theoretically about Tough Love - even recommended it to the parents of out-of-control kids who ended up as suspensions on the school I was at. Now, I'm learning about the social necessity for this (gentler) form of Tough Love myself. Vital. There's a Big Brother Big Sister network I've found - my sons don't want anything to do with it, but as Mum, I've decided I do! So, that will be underway today. Google is very helpful.
Thanks,
K.
Online Parent Support
House Rules Contract: Cell Phones
"Many thanks for the work that you have done. We are making progress with our teen son. Please advise if you have any home rule teen contract templates that you can share? Please advise any guidelines on cell phones?"
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Hi J.,
Re: home rule teen contract templates—
A Home Rules Contract is a written set of expectations that adults have of their teens (and preteens). The contract includes basic rules, consequences and privileges.
The primary purpose of a Home Rules Contract is for teens to be held accountable for their behavior while allowing parents to maintain a reasonable amount of control. A Home Rules Contract will teach teens that there are consequences to breaking rules, the knowledge of which hopefully will transfer in the teen's mind to school rules as well as the legal system.
A Home Rules Contract will not resolve the issues of feelings and emotions involved within the relationships between parents and teens. It can only act as a basic agreement that may allow you to work toward a resolution for problem behaviors, minimizing the disruption and interference that can many times occur during the process of getting bad behavior under control and restructuring a family's rules.
We recommend that ALL PARENT FIGURES with whom the teen has contact be involved in the creation and enforcement of the Home Rules Contract. This includes biological parents, step-parents, adoptive parents, custodial persons, non-custodial persons who are responsible for the teens for all or part of a day, and legal guardians. It is very important for divorced parents to put their differences aside and come together for the purposes of creating a unified front for the child, so that one parent does not end up sabotaging another's efforts to bring the child's bad behavior under control. Kids will manipulate and undermine parents who are at odds with each other, but will conform much more readily to a unified front.
Even if the divorced parents do not agree on other issues, it is tremendously important for them to agree on how to manage an out-of-control teen. In situations in which two divorced parents really don't get along, the Home Rules Contract can sometimes best be accomplished with the help of a third party, such as a qualified therapist. Again, parents must put aside their differences for the sake of their wayward teen!!
Other adults who may be present in the home but are not actively involved in limit setting and the process of raising the teen should be excluded; for example, an aunt or uncle who is staying with the family. Adults will tend to have different expectations of a teen depending upon their own outlook, and many times, adults who are not ultimately responsible for the teen may not enforce the rules and consequences which you are taking the time to carefully plan, in essence, undermining and making your contract ineffective.
ALL TEENAGERS AND PRETEENS in the family should be included in the Home Rules Contract. In order to be effective, all children need to see the Home Rules Contract as fair. Therefore, it may not work to single out the child with the bad behaviors and exclude siblings, as the offending child will see it as unfair and will most likely refuse to follow it. If the compliant siblings protest their involvement as they are already following the rules, remind them that this is a family effort and they are part of the family. They can be told that since they are already following the rules, this home contract should be a piece of cake for them and that you value their input. By including all siblings, you are firmly establishing the fact that you are a FAMILY, and that getting the family to work as a functioning unit requires the input and cooperation of each family member. This also establishes that children of all ages need to be held accountable for their behavior.
A copy of the blank Home Rules Contract should be given to every person who will ultimately be signing the contract, including the teens and preteens, for them to fill out with rules, consequences and rewards they feel are appropriate for the Home Rules Contract. Teens who feel that they are being heard by their parents and are allowed to participate in this process are far more likely to be compliant than those who are handed a set of rules and told "Do it or else." Parents are often amazed at what rules the teens think they should be following and at the severity of punishments they assign for themselves. Many parents have had to actually decrease the punishments that the teen has stated he or she should have for not following certain rules.
Other parents have found that their kids will think of very important items that they, the parents, didn't even consider or overlooked. When kids contribute significantly to a good working contract, their contributions should be openly acknowledged and/or praised. It should be cautioned that parents should go over their childrens' suggestions alone, before presenting them to the family, and they should eliminate those suggestions, which are made with the sole intent of belittling other family members with whom siblings making the suggestions are not getting along.
Sometimes your teen will refuse to participate, and if that's the case, then you may let him know that this contract will be implemented with or without his cooperation, and if he makes the choice not to participate, you fully intend to follow the contract to the letter. If he ultimately doesn't like something that is put in the contract, then that will be his problem because he didn't participate in writing it. Again, the participation of each person in the family who will be involved, if at all possible, is vital to the success of your contract, but don't allow yourself to be undermined by a teen who is threatening non-cooperation!
Your final contract should be the results of negotiation and compromise, taking everybody's ideas into consideration. If the whole idea of a Home Rules Contract threatens to break down when an agreement cannot be reached between two or more parties, particularly parents, the entire family should strongly consider visiting a social worker or family therapist, even if only for one visit, to get an objective third party to help break the log jam and create a Home Contract that everybody can live with. However, some items should not be negotiable, such as a teen demanding a curfew that is later than what the law in your area would allow for his or her particular age group.
Parents should provide progressive consequences for refusal to follow rules and directions. Unfortunately, some parents, in an effort to "get tough" on their wayward teen, will go overboard and ground the child for weeks and weeks for a single incident. The rationale behind punishment should be primarily to offer an unpleasant learning experience so that the teen will learn to correct his own behavior and not repeat the offending action. For most teens, a punishment that consists of weeks of grounding on a first offense is too long and will cause further resentment rather than be a learning experience for the teen.
Steps to Creating a Home Rules Contract:
- Identify a maximum of five (5) problem behaviors that you feel need to be improved. These behaviors could be priorities, and some should be related to the behaviors that are causing the most problems, i.e., legal problems, school problems, or medical problems (such as illness due to drug abuse or an overdose, or medication compliance issues if the teen is on psychiatric medications such as Ritalin).
- Specifically identify what the expectation is for each behavior. Be clear and concise when identifying expectations so that there is no chance for a teen to tell you he or she didn't understand the expectation.
- Example: Teen will attend all therapy sessions, including weekly individual and weekly family therapy, and teen will take medication as prescribed).
- Specifically state what the privileges and consequences will be when a teen is either following the rules or chooses to break the rules. These privileges and consequences should be natural and logical. In other words, when possible, set a consequence that is related to the misbehavior. Be sure you, the parent, are willing and able to enforce the consequences that you set or your contract will be worthless.
Example (for the expected behavior listed above): - Consequence: Teen will not be given any privileges until he complies
(car, phone, TV, radio, going out with friends, etc.) THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE. - Privilege: Teen will earn parents' trust and be better equipped to cope with stresses.
- Set a date that the contract may be revised and/or negotiated. Renegotiation is based on the amount of progress. Inform teen that he/she may earn more or fewer privileges based on behavior in the interim. Encourage dialogue with your teen regarding privileges he or she may want to earn in the future.
- VERY IMPORTANT - Consult with other parental figures to make sure that ALL ARE IN AGREEMENT AND WILLING TO ENFORCE THE CONTRACT AS WRITTEN. If parental figures do not agree on some of the items, it is imperative to make the necessary revisions to come to an agreement. Again, a qualified therapist may be able to help you get over the hurdles of differing opinions.
A Sample Contract with three items is included below. The items below are only suggestions to get you started. Parents must take their own individual circumstances and priorities into account when setting up the individual items in a Home Rules Contract. Some items that might be considered priorities, other than those listed below, might include profanity or abusive language towards other family members, homework issues for students with poor grades, and violent behavior towards family members, including pushing, shoving, and slapping.
A list of possible priorities to include in a Home Rules Contract includes:
- Curfew
- Chores
- School behavior and grades
- Smoking
- Telephone use
- Computer use
- Use of the car
- Alcohol/drug use
- Expression of anger or violence, including profanity
- Conflict resolution (helpful when two siblings are at each other's throats)
- Running away
- Medication issues and compliance (for those who take regular medicines, such as Ritalin)
- Attendance at therapy sessions
NOTE: For the safety of everybody involved, police should be called for ALL violent episodes that occur on the part of the teen with the perceived intent of injuring a family member or destroying property that belongs to other family members. Violence that has no consequences will continue to escalate and could eventually result in a serious incident, so this type of behavior needs to be halted immediately by allowing the teen to experience serious consequences for the violent behavior (police, charges and possible court date).
It sounds harsh to call the police on your own child, but it is better to have the teen learn from you that violence will never be tolerated, and that this behavior is absolutely forbidden, than for your teen to wind up in jail down the road because he never had any consequences for violence at home. An old saying states that if a parent does not properly discipline a child, eventually society will do the disciplining.
SAMPLE CONTRACT:
- Teen will not use any alcohol or drugs.
- Consequence: Teen will be grounded for one week. Grounding consists of: staying home, no friends as guests, no phone calls, etc. etc.) Punishment will increase one week for each subsequent offense (i.e., if teen is caught using substances a second time, punishment will be for two weeks, etc.)
Note: It is VERY important to clearly state what being grounded consists of so that there are no avenues for manipulation by the teen to get out of the punishment). - Privilege: Teen will be allowed to continue going out with friends and may have continued use of the car.
- Teen is expected to return home immediately after school except if prior arrangements are made with parents. Teen will inform parents where he/she is going and will be home by 8:00 p.m. on school nights and 11:00 p.m. on nonschool nights.
- Consequence: Teen will be expected to come home twice as early as he was late for one week. (e.g., if 30 minutes late, then curfew will be one hour earlier for the next week).
- Privilege: Teen will maintain current curfew and gain trust (some parents may want to allow their teen to work his/her way up to a later curfew by proving himself or herself, but parents should never set a curfew later than the legal curfew in their area).
- Teen will perform all assigned chores in a satisfactory manner, according to the standards set by parents.
(It is helpful to provide a written list of daily chores so there is no misunderstanding - a dry-erase marker board hung in the kitchen or other family area works great for this purpose).
- Consequence: Teen will not be allowed any privileges until required chores are completed, including TV, radio, computer, having friends visit or going out with friends.
- Privilege: Teen will maintain access to all privileges of the house, including watching TV, using the computer, having friends visit, and going out with friends.
In summary, a Home Rules Contract that has been carefully thought out and agreed to by all parties can provide much structure to a teen who is having difficulty staying out of trouble.
A Blank Home Rules contract for you to get started is provided by clicking on the below link.
Re: guidelines on cell phones—
Over 94% of parents agree that cellular phones are good for teens (according to a survey conducted by AT&T with parents and teens in LA and New York). Most teens have their very first cell phones by the age of 15 and in many cases 13. Like with all mod cons teenagers want them but they should be used in a practical manner.
Paying for the cellular phone is one thing but the on going costs thereafter tends to cost some friction in households. If you are the parent who insists that your son or daughter has a cell phone then understandable you should pay the bill once it’s within reason.
Teens who insist on having a cell phone should pay some part of the bill with their weekly allowance that you give them. Teens who are left without any supervision on bill phones will run riot and it will be you who foots out the bill. Even if you have the money to pay the bill monthly no matter how high you should draw the line, you may not always be there to pay for everything. Prepaid cell phones are a good idea to keep the expense down, the calls are more expensive to make on these phones but you can only make the calls once the credit is there. It is a great way for teenagers to learn about financial management of their own bills.
Camera cell phones are more popular with teens for the obvious reasons. It’s easy to use and fool around with and let’s face it they are harmless fun. There is a downside to having the camera phone and that’s the ongoing cost. If the phone is prepaid it’s simply, you can only text friends photo’s when you have the credit but if the phone is linked to monthly bill payments camera phones are by far the more expensive to operate. If your teen insists on sending SMS via the camera phone, why not encourage them to do so through email. Simply connect the phone to the PC via a usb cable (normally supplied with the phone), upload the photo’s and with broadband in most area’s email is much cheaper.
Knowing that your son or daughter is safe and sound is priceless. If ever they need your help you are only a phone call away. With many late teens driving cell phones are a necessity, let’s face it most cannot even change a puncture. Please remember if you allow your teen a cell phone in the car, make sure you or they purchase a hands free kit or earpiece. Teens have so many things to talk about and can get so wrapped up in conversation that the driving aspect takes a backseat. For a few more dollars play safe.
We live in a world of technology and it’s going to keep growing at a rapid pace, all teenagers are curious. Once you have gotten over the argument of bill payment your teen will be fine, they may overindulge on the first bill or two but by confiscating the cell phone for a day or two will soon teach them the importance of money management. You will always know where they are and from the sound of their voice on the other end of the phone your mind will be put at ease.
Family plans from cell phone carriers such as AT&T are ideal if there is more than one cell phone in the household. It helps keep the costs down and maximize the free talk-time minutes per month. If one person is not using up the free minutes the other can before they are lost. Some cell phone carriers are offering rollover minutes. Rollover minutes allow all the used free minutes from one-month travel over to the next so you are not losing out.
Mark Hutten, M.A.
Discipline That Make a Bad Problem Worse
D___ is beyond out of control. He is still grounded from his ps4 and
computer until he has completed his 10 day sentence to alternative
school (he tries constantly to get them back- just for 1hr cause I am
being good type deal). But the real issue is at school. He is in
alternative school right now and the teacher today says D___ is being so
bad that if he does not stop they are going to have the police write
him a ticket!!!! This is up to a 500.00 fine that I DO NOT HAVE OR WILL
EVER HAVE and WILL NOT PAY so i don't know what happens then?? !! The
teacher asked him to stop talking and D___ says she has no right to take
away his freedom of speech, he refuses to do this work, told the
teacher she is horrible at her job! HE IS A NIGHTMARE. I got him on the
phone and told him he had better keep his
&%&)%$(&)^% mouth shut and i mean NOW! So what
do I do know that I blew it again? Strip his room to a mattress and
make him earn every piece back? Or take everything and give it all back
when he is done with this school or what? I still have no idea what the
heck I am doing. All I know is he is killing me. I am so upset.
Click here for my response...
Click here for my response...
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