I'm trying to do the "art of saying yes & no." My 9 yo has 10-20 request from me a day. How do I handle it when I run out of chores or ways for her to earn what she wants? It seems like she makes the same requests over and over even though the answer is always yes and has been for years. (Like can I have an after school snack.) She wants my attention from the time she gets home until bedtime. Although I spend 15-20 mins listening to her and responding thoughtfully she never gets enough. I have 2 other children I can't give her every second of my day. How do I get her to quit?
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The attention-seeking child is in need of more attention than most. She seems to have something to prove and doesn’t take as much pride intrinsically as she does extrinsically. This child may not have a sense of belonging. Try and understand the need - this child may have a low self-esteem and may need some confidence building. Sometimes the attention seeker is simply just immature.
Interventions—
· Always commend the child on her achievements.
· Provide her with a time that is just for her. Even a 2 minute period before or after dinner or a 5 minute period before bedtime that is "her time" can be very beneficial. Stick to it! Each time she looks for the attention, remind her of her specific time alone with you. In time - if you're consistent - you will see that this strategy works quite well.
· During the child's special time, take time to boost her confidence.
· Promote intrinsic motivation. Ask the child what she likes about what she did.
· Provide the child with responsibilities and a leadership role from time to time.
·Sit down with this child and explain to her that you have a number of children to work with each day.
Never forget that ALL children need to know you care about them and that they can contribute in a positive way. It took the child a long time to become an extreme seeker of attention. Be consistent, patient and understand that change will take time.
Mark
Online Parent Support
My son has been moved to a group home...
Hi Mark,
Further to my e-mail, my son has been moved to a group home dealing with kids in the juvenile justice system this weekend. We had the opportunity to pick him up and transport him (4 hours). It went pretty well, he was looking forward to getting out of the institution type setting. He will be there until May 30. We (me and his father/husband) are supportive of him, but we definitely want things to be different. Your online book so far couldn't hit closer to home. We are allowed to take him out on a weekend pass this weekend for 4-6 hours (we have to drive for 2 hours to get there). I have to admit I'm a little nervous and want to enjoy our time together without getting into conflict. I have been working through your book and am at the "high energy kid".
I was reading the part about medications for ODD & ADHD. He is on 2 types of medication and has been for 3 years. I've always been uncomfortable with it. My son does want to go off of it when he comes home and he's said he knows that at some point he has to learn to manage without it. While he was in the juvenile jail, they were going to try taking him off of it entirely and see how he manages, but they decided that this program would be more beneficial for him and didn't want to take him off once moved and have him possibly crash. Any suggestions on how to assist him on this or exploring it while he is there?
We were thinking of seeing a movie and going out for something to eat. He would like to go to the mall and have us buy him something - ie. sunglasses which he doesn't need as he has 4 pair at home. I told him I would talk to his father and of course my husband told me "have the balls to say no" - you don't need to ask me because you already no the answer.
I guess that's my issue - he always comes to me and I do have a hard time saying no especially when he "gets in my face". As I won't be able to complete the entire book by the weekend, what would you recommend in dealing with any conflict that may come up?
Also, how would you suggest handling a situation where he hangs up the phone on me because he "doesn't" like that I've said no and got mad. I had told the staff he was not allowed to smoke (he's receiving treatment). He phoned me angry and tried everything under the sun for 10 minutes (he's quit for 6 wks while in the juvenile facility and wanted to) to change my mind, but I did stick to no without getting in too much of debate. I just hate that anger and manipulation. Its easier to say no on the phone. He doesn't seem angry anymore and still calls home.
Also, my husband isn't terribly interested in reading this book and is tired of always everything focused on our son, but like I've said to him, eventually he will come home and I don't want to continue doing things the way were doing them and for the miserable life we were living. I get the rolling of the eyes and "I don't want to talk about it right now". I know I can't change him, but how does only one parent make changes and have things change. He's at a point where he would like to throw the towel in and makes comments like "he hasn't made any changes" "he's just pulling the wool over everyone's eyes"
Thanks for your help and I'll keep reading - I wish I knew this 3 years ago.
E.
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Hi E.,
Re: Any suggestions on how to assist him on this or exploring it while he is there?
I need to know exactly what medication he’s on before I can make a recommendation here. There are some drugs that you must be extremely careful with when it comes to “weaning off.”
Re: what would you recommend in dealing with any conflict that may come up?
I guess you haven’t got to the part of the program that talks about “self-reliance.”
In short, if you’re going to work the program as intended (which I know you want to do), your son must EARN everything. Thus, to buy him a pair of sunglasses goes against the grain of this program and is considered to be over-indulgence (a core issue and huge contributor to the problem).
Re: he hangs up the phone on me because he "doesn't" like that I've said no and got mad.
Pick your battles carefully. Ignore it. Move on.
Re: but how does only one parent make changes and have things change.
My good guess is that your husband is being a hard ass in response to your being too soft. If you will toughen up a bit, your husband is likely to soften up a bit. Also, keep in mind that a weaker plan supported by both of you is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one parent.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Further to my e-mail, my son has been moved to a group home dealing with kids in the juvenile justice system this weekend. We had the opportunity to pick him up and transport him (4 hours). It went pretty well, he was looking forward to getting out of the institution type setting. He will be there until May 30. We (me and his father/husband) are supportive of him, but we definitely want things to be different. Your online book so far couldn't hit closer to home. We are allowed to take him out on a weekend pass this weekend for 4-6 hours (we have to drive for 2 hours to get there). I have to admit I'm a little nervous and want to enjoy our time together without getting into conflict. I have been working through your book and am at the "high energy kid".
I was reading the part about medications for ODD & ADHD. He is on 2 types of medication and has been for 3 years. I've always been uncomfortable with it. My son does want to go off of it when he comes home and he's said he knows that at some point he has to learn to manage without it. While he was in the juvenile jail, they were going to try taking him off of it entirely and see how he manages, but they decided that this program would be more beneficial for him and didn't want to take him off once moved and have him possibly crash. Any suggestions on how to assist him on this or exploring it while he is there?
We were thinking of seeing a movie and going out for something to eat. He would like to go to the mall and have us buy him something - ie. sunglasses which he doesn't need as he has 4 pair at home. I told him I would talk to his father and of course my husband told me "have the balls to say no" - you don't need to ask me because you already no the answer.
I guess that's my issue - he always comes to me and I do have a hard time saying no especially when he "gets in my face". As I won't be able to complete the entire book by the weekend, what would you recommend in dealing with any conflict that may come up?
Also, how would you suggest handling a situation where he hangs up the phone on me because he "doesn't" like that I've said no and got mad. I had told the staff he was not allowed to smoke (he's receiving treatment). He phoned me angry and tried everything under the sun for 10 minutes (he's quit for 6 wks while in the juvenile facility and wanted to) to change my mind, but I did stick to no without getting in too much of debate. I just hate that anger and manipulation. Its easier to say no on the phone. He doesn't seem angry anymore and still calls home.
Also, my husband isn't terribly interested in reading this book and is tired of always everything focused on our son, but like I've said to him, eventually he will come home and I don't want to continue doing things the way were doing them and for the miserable life we were living. I get the rolling of the eyes and "I don't want to talk about it right now". I know I can't change him, but how does only one parent make changes and have things change. He's at a point where he would like to throw the towel in and makes comments like "he hasn't made any changes" "he's just pulling the wool over everyone's eyes"
Thanks for your help and I'll keep reading - I wish I knew this 3 years ago.
E.
`````````````````````````
Hi E.,
Re: Any suggestions on how to assist him on this or exploring it while he is there?
I need to know exactly what medication he’s on before I can make a recommendation here. There are some drugs that you must be extremely careful with when it comes to “weaning off.”
Re: what would you recommend in dealing with any conflict that may come up?
I guess you haven’t got to the part of the program that talks about “self-reliance.”
In short, if you’re going to work the program as intended (which I know you want to do), your son must EARN everything. Thus, to buy him a pair of sunglasses goes against the grain of this program and is considered to be over-indulgence (a core issue and huge contributor to the problem).
Re: he hangs up the phone on me because he "doesn't" like that I've said no and got mad.
Pick your battles carefully. Ignore it. Move on.
Re: but how does only one parent make changes and have things change.
My good guess is that your husband is being a hard ass in response to your being too soft. If you will toughen up a bit, your husband is likely to soften up a bit. Also, keep in mind that a weaker plan supported by both of you is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one parent.
Mark
Online Parent Support
She confessed that she had some pot in her room ...
Hey Mark-
I have been following the program and for the most part things have been going pretty well lately. D did get in a little trouble one day at school but that is way better than the daily calls I was getting!!!!! He has moments but over all doing much better.
However we had a major situation happen last night that I am at a loss of how to handle it!
I came home last night and my teenage daughter (18) approached me and confessed that she had some pot in her room (which by the way was a total shock -this is the "good kid") but the reason she came to me was that it was now gone- she said she left it on her bed on accident and left the house for about 15min and when she came back it was gone.
She said the only reason she was telling me and risking being in major trouble is because she was concerned because she certainly did not want her brother or any of his 3 friends he was playing with to have it- she said they are all to young Mom and I am so sorry.
Well I approached D and he swears he knew nothing about it- that him and his friends just played outside (because no one is allowed in the house if I am not home) except for he did let 2 of the kids on separate occasion come in and use the bathroom. My daughter did say that the boys did play outside for the short time they were at the house yesterday and the only time they came in the house would have to be when she left for that short period. I searched D and his room and did not find anything. I then called the other boys mother (who is one of my best and closest friends) and told her what happened. She approached her boys and they acted shocked but she searched their rooms and did find it in one of her son’s closets.
We are at a loss as to what to do- her sons are saying that D took it and must have hidden it in his closet (because after they all played at my house they went back to the other boys house to play). D is saying he does not know anything about it period- he did not know his sister had it - he did not take it- he does not know who took it. We are at a gridlock where no one knows anything. Isn't that amazing!
My question to you is - how do you get the truth in a he said - she said situation. Do you have any tools on how to flush the truth out?
Needless to say we are all in shock and embarrassed - we are all really really good friends and its so hard that our kids have chosen to do this- hers / mine or all of them- its equally upsetting! Neither of us beleive that this was done alone and they are all in major trouble right now. BUT we are also very concerned about accusing all of them and treating all of them like lil stealing druggies if someone *is* telling the truth. One of her sons in particular has a jaded past so its easy to assume it was him - but we don’t want his past to precede him - cause its possible he did not do it- there were 4 boys after all.
We are *not* going to be passive parents on this but it very tempting to be very aggressive on this one!
The only person I know that is telling the truth - as ugly as it is- is my daughter. I am glad she did tell but I am furious that she even had it and had it in MY HOUSE and left it to where these 11-12-13 yr old kids somehow got it and it mysteriously landed in my friends kids closet!
Any idea you may have on how to find the truth would be greatly appreciated! Also how to discipline on something like this. Would this be take EVERYTHING for 3 DAYS type deal- is that too light? Also any ideas on how to earn back their privileges on something like this? We can’t say if you don’t have pot in your room for 3 days you can have your privileges - ya know? :) ... again just looking for some direction.
Thanks!!
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Hi S.,
Re: how do you get the truth in a he said - she said situation. Do you have any tools on how to flush the truth out?
I wouldn’t believe a word anybody said. Your daughter acted as though she was trying to be moral and ethical by telling you that she was concerned about the others using pot. The bottom line – she got busted and wanted her pot back. Her motive was purely self-serving.
Until you have hard evidence regarding who took the pot, you should not implement any consequences. The likelihood that you will get “the truth,” as you say, is very slim. I think you have lost focus on the original problem – your daughter was in possession of an illegal substance. You have bigger fish to fry than “flushing out truth.” I would shift the focus to your daughter’s potential drug abuse issue.
Please refer to the section in the online version of the eBook entitled “Questions From Exasperated Parents.” On that page, you will see what to do about Drug Abuse.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
I have been following the program and for the most part things have been going pretty well lately. D did get in a little trouble one day at school but that is way better than the daily calls I was getting!!!!! He has moments but over all doing much better.
However we had a major situation happen last night that I am at a loss of how to handle it!
I came home last night and my teenage daughter (18) approached me and confessed that she had some pot in her room (which by the way was a total shock -this is the "good kid") but the reason she came to me was that it was now gone- she said she left it on her bed on accident and left the house for about 15min and when she came back it was gone.
She said the only reason she was telling me and risking being in major trouble is because she was concerned because she certainly did not want her brother or any of his 3 friends he was playing with to have it- she said they are all to young Mom and I am so sorry.
Well I approached D and he swears he knew nothing about it- that him and his friends just played outside (because no one is allowed in the house if I am not home) except for he did let 2 of the kids on separate occasion come in and use the bathroom. My daughter did say that the boys did play outside for the short time they were at the house yesterday and the only time they came in the house would have to be when she left for that short period. I searched D and his room and did not find anything. I then called the other boys mother (who is one of my best and closest friends) and told her what happened. She approached her boys and they acted shocked but she searched their rooms and did find it in one of her son’s closets.
We are at a loss as to what to do- her sons are saying that D took it and must have hidden it in his closet (because after they all played at my house they went back to the other boys house to play). D is saying he does not know anything about it period- he did not know his sister had it - he did not take it- he does not know who took it. We are at a gridlock where no one knows anything. Isn't that amazing!
My question to you is - how do you get the truth in a he said - she said situation. Do you have any tools on how to flush the truth out?
Needless to say we are all in shock and embarrassed - we are all really really good friends and its so hard that our kids have chosen to do this- hers / mine or all of them- its equally upsetting! Neither of us beleive that this was done alone and they are all in major trouble right now. BUT we are also very concerned about accusing all of them and treating all of them like lil stealing druggies if someone *is* telling the truth. One of her sons in particular has a jaded past so its easy to assume it was him - but we don’t want his past to precede him - cause its possible he did not do it- there were 4 boys after all.
We are *not* going to be passive parents on this but it very tempting to be very aggressive on this one!
The only person I know that is telling the truth - as ugly as it is- is my daughter. I am glad she did tell but I am furious that she even had it and had it in MY HOUSE and left it to where these 11-12-13 yr old kids somehow got it and it mysteriously landed in my friends kids closet!
Any idea you may have on how to find the truth would be greatly appreciated! Also how to discipline on something like this. Would this be take EVERYTHING for 3 DAYS type deal- is that too light? Also any ideas on how to earn back their privileges on something like this? We can’t say if you don’t have pot in your room for 3 days you can have your privileges - ya know? :) ... again just looking for some direction.
Thanks!!
````````````````````
Hi S.,
Re: how do you get the truth in a he said - she said situation. Do you have any tools on how to flush the truth out?
I wouldn’t believe a word anybody said. Your daughter acted as though she was trying to be moral and ethical by telling you that she was concerned about the others using pot. The bottom line – she got busted and wanted her pot back. Her motive was purely self-serving.
Until you have hard evidence regarding who took the pot, you should not implement any consequences. The likelihood that you will get “the truth,” as you say, is very slim. I think you have lost focus on the original problem – your daughter was in possession of an illegal substance. You have bigger fish to fry than “flushing out truth.” I would shift the focus to your daughter’s potential drug abuse issue.
Please refer to the section in the online version of the eBook entitled “Questions From Exasperated Parents.” On that page, you will see what to do about Drug Abuse.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
He became involved in recreational drugs...
Dear Mark
Thanks very much for sending the parenting sessions through. I have read and watched most of the sessions now and see how they can be effective. Our situation is that my son C (although never completely diagnosed) I have always felt shows signs of ADHD. He has always been immature in comparison to his peers but none the less feels that he is and should be treated as an adult.
As soon as he was 16 he decided that he wanted to leave home and since that time we have had one disaster after another. He became involved in recreational drugs but within a space of about 8 months was doing them to such a large degree he started to have psychotic episodes and now suffers from residual paranoia. He (I believe) has not taken anything now since about last October and is under the supervision of the Early Intervention Team for Psychosis and is taking an anti psychotic medication.
In the last 18 months he has started to take his A Levels twice, the first time dropped out due to his distractedness with the drug taking and repeatedly leaving home, then last September started at another college to try again and has now had to drop out on medical grounds because of the paranoia. The current situation is that he is at home most of the time, rarely goes out and uses his paranoia as (I feel) an excuse not to have to do anything that he does not want to, (which is most things other than occasionally meeting a friend for a couple of hours). He seems to have made an alternative world for himself on the computer on MSN and online games and if we are not at home I know he can easily spend 10 hours a day on line.
We have tried to help him find alternative interests but is not interested in trying anything so therefore has no other interests. When he was involved in the drugs he became almost obsessed with them and spent most of his time and energy when not taking them finding out as much as he could about them and even now sees this as something that he is proud of as he feels his knowledge on the subject is second to none.
We have another 10 year old son and for obvious reasons we are keen to make the atmosphere at home a happier one as C creates a huge amount of negative energy where he is angry and belligerent and sometimes depressed or swings to being silly, difficult and annoying. C wants to go back to college in September to start a media course but i do not want him to sit at home for the next 4 months as I feel that if he does he will fail again as he will not be ready to cope.
How do I help him to motivate himself to get back into the real world without pushing him before he is ready, and in the meantime differentiate between real fear and his manipulation of the situation. There is no doubt in my mind that he is a very unhappy and frightened young man but seems to see us as the enemy whenever we try to help in any way, although always expects me to be there on demand when he wants something or things go wrong. He still has hopes of going to University so can see a future for himself but does not seem able to understand that he has to put the effort in to get there. He has a very good mind and can be a funny end engaging young man but his anger and resentment are hiding his true nature.
Your thoughts on the matter would be greatly appreciated.
Kind Regards
S.
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Hi S.,
You’ve mentioned several problems here. I’ll try to address as many as I can in the time I have.
Re: “alternative world for himself on the computer” —
Obsessively checking e-mail, playing online games for 10 hours or more at a time, placing more value on chat-room friends than real friends neglecting family, work and even personal health and hygiene... these are all symptoms of a new form of addiction that has surfaced only in recent years: computer addiction.
Creating a single definition for computer addiction is difficult because the term actually covers a wide spectrum of addictions. Few people are literally addicted to a computer as a physical object. They become addicted to activities performed on a computer, like instant messaging, viewing Internet pornography, playing video games, checking e-mail and reading news articles. These activities are collectively referred to as Computer Mediated Communication (CMC). Computer addiction focused on Internet use is often called Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD).
The various types of computer addicts have different reasons for their habits. Obsessive chat room use or e-mailing might fill a void of loneliness, while excessive viewing of pornography might stem from relationship problems or childhood abuse. The matter is further complicated by the fact that a computer is a useful tool. It's not like heroin for example -- there are many legitimate reasons why someone might spend hours using a computer. Even if someone uses a computer extensively for purely recreational purposes, that doesn't necessarily represent a real addiction any more than someone who spends hours working on a model train set, making quilts or gardening is "addicted" to those activities. Even the agreed-upon definition of addiction itself has evolved over the decades and remains a matter of debate in the medical community. In fact, the American Medical Association and the American Psychiatric Association do not currently consider computer addiction a valid diagnosis, a controversy we'll discuss later.
As a result of all these complications, any single definition of computer addiction is necessarily broad and a little vague. If the computer use is so pervasive that it interferes with other life activities, and if the user seems unable to stop using the computer to excess despite negative consequences, the problem might be a computer addiction.
Much of our understanding of computer addiction comes from decades of research on other addictions, like alcoholism or gambling addiction. Psychologists have identified several danger signs for computer addiction. Any of these signs would be a red flag, and multiple signs could mean there's a real problem:
·Continued excessive computer use despite incurring negative consequences, such as marital problems or getting in trouble at work due to computer use
·Hiding the extent of computer use from family and friends
·Making conscious efforts to cut back on computer time and repeatedly failing
·Missing events or opportunities or failing at non-computer-related tasks because of time spent on the computer. This could include poor job performance or missing out on family activities
·Staying on the computer for much longer than intended, or not noticing the passage of time while using the computer
·Thinking frequently about the computer when not using it or constantly looking forward to the next opportunity to use it
·Using the computer as an escape when feeling depressed or stressed
Computer addiction can have a variety of negative effects on a person. The most immediate are social. The user withdraws from friends and family as he spends more and more time on the computer. Relationships begin to wither as the user stops attending social gatherings, skips meetings with friends and avoids family members to get more computer time. Even when they do interact with their friends, users may become irritable when away from the computer, causing further social harm.
Eventually, excessive computer use can take an emotional toll. The user gradually withdraws into an artificial world. Constant computer gaming can cause someone to place more emotional value on events within the game than things happening in their real lives. Excessive viewing of Internet pornography can warp a person's ideas about sexuality. Someone whose primary friends are screen names in a chat room may have difficulty with face-to-face interpersonal communication.
Over the long term, computer addiction can cause physical damage. Using a mouse and keyboard for many hours every day can lead to repetitive stress injuries. Back problems are common among people who spent a lot of time sitting at computer desks. Late-night computer sessions cut into much-needed sleep time. Long-term sleep deprivation causes drowsiness, difficulty concentrating, and depression of the immune system. Someone who spends hours at a computer is obviously not getting any meaningful exercise, so computer addiction can indirectly lead to poor overall physical condition and even obesity.
Eventually, the consequences of computer addiction will ripple through the user's life. Late-night use or use at work will affect job performance, which could lead to job loss. As the addiction takes its toll on family members, it can even lead to failed marriages.
If you're looking to curb your son’s computer use, here are some helpful tips:
·Enlist family members to help encourage your son to limit computer use. It might be too difficult to stop on his own.
·Install software to restrict access to Web sites that he visits compulsively. Keep the passwords for the software hidden.
·Make a list of things he could be accomplishing instead of wasting time on the computer, and post it prominently near his monitor.
·Make specific time limits. Set an alarm to go off in one hour and end computer time when it rings.
·Put the computer in a high-traffic area of the house. With others looking over his shoulder all the time, he'll be less likely to overuse the computer.
·Set aside "computer-free" parts of the day. If computer abuse starts after dinner and extends into the night, have him get all his computer work done in the morning – he can’t touch it after dinner.
Re: paranoia—
Are there any family members who have Bipolar Disorder? I would strongly recommend that your son get a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation – if he has not already had one. There may be some underlying mental disorder that needs treatment.
Re: “How do I help him to motivate himself to get back into the real world without pushing him before he is ready, and in the meantime differentiate between real fear and his manipulation of the situation.” —
You need to rule out any possible mental disorders (e.g., bipolar, chemical dependency, schizophrenia, aspergers, etc.). Then you will know whether or not he’s (a) manipulating people or (b) suffering with some form of mental illness.
On a side note, teens who have a genetic predisposition to bipolar or schizophrenia run the risk of “triggering” the disorder if they use hallucinatory chemicals. Also, anti-depressants can trigger bipolar in a child with a genetic predisposition to the disorder. Thus, I would think that an evaluation by a Child-Adolescent Psychiatrist would be paramount.
A less worrisome possibility is that he may simply have a social phobia. Teens with social phobia are less adept in social interactions. Peer relationships, school functioning and attendance, and family functioning all suffer as a result of a social phobia.
Social phobia may have a combination of the symptoms listed below:
·Anxiety attacks when anticipating or attempting social interactions Fearfulness with peers as well as adults
·Avoidance of social situations
·Consistent and extreme fear of situations involving new people
·Depression or thoughts of not wanting to be alive
·Extreme fear of social and performance situations
·Reluctance to participate in ordinary outings or activities
·Severe distress in routine social situations
·Difficulty transitioning from home to school
·Refusal or reluctance to attend school
·Avoidance of activities with peers
·Low self-esteem
·Difficulty concentrating
·Other anxiety disorders, mood disorders such as depression, or behavior disorders such as attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD
·Behavioral or cognitive side effects from medication
·Learning disorders and cognitive problems
Social phobia is treatable through ongoing interventions provided by a child's medical practitioners, therapists, school staff, and family. These treatments include psychological interventions (counseling), biological interventions (medicines), and accommodations at home and at school that reduce sources of stress for the child. Open, collaborative communication between a child's family, school, and treatment professionals optimizes the care and quality of life for the child with social phobia.
I would be willing to go into more detail regarding treatment of social phobia at a later date if you need more information.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Thanks very much for sending the parenting sessions through. I have read and watched most of the sessions now and see how they can be effective. Our situation is that my son C (although never completely diagnosed) I have always felt shows signs of ADHD. He has always been immature in comparison to his peers but none the less feels that he is and should be treated as an adult.
As soon as he was 16 he decided that he wanted to leave home and since that time we have had one disaster after another. He became involved in recreational drugs but within a space of about 8 months was doing them to such a large degree he started to have psychotic episodes and now suffers from residual paranoia. He (I believe) has not taken anything now since about last October and is under the supervision of the Early Intervention Team for Psychosis and is taking an anti psychotic medication.
In the last 18 months he has started to take his A Levels twice, the first time dropped out due to his distractedness with the drug taking and repeatedly leaving home, then last September started at another college to try again and has now had to drop out on medical grounds because of the paranoia. The current situation is that he is at home most of the time, rarely goes out and uses his paranoia as (I feel) an excuse not to have to do anything that he does not want to, (which is most things other than occasionally meeting a friend for a couple of hours). He seems to have made an alternative world for himself on the computer on MSN and online games and if we are not at home I know he can easily spend 10 hours a day on line.
We have tried to help him find alternative interests but is not interested in trying anything so therefore has no other interests. When he was involved in the drugs he became almost obsessed with them and spent most of his time and energy when not taking them finding out as much as he could about them and even now sees this as something that he is proud of as he feels his knowledge on the subject is second to none.
We have another 10 year old son and for obvious reasons we are keen to make the atmosphere at home a happier one as C creates a huge amount of negative energy where he is angry and belligerent and sometimes depressed or swings to being silly, difficult and annoying. C wants to go back to college in September to start a media course but i do not want him to sit at home for the next 4 months as I feel that if he does he will fail again as he will not be ready to cope.
How do I help him to motivate himself to get back into the real world without pushing him before he is ready, and in the meantime differentiate between real fear and his manipulation of the situation. There is no doubt in my mind that he is a very unhappy and frightened young man but seems to see us as the enemy whenever we try to help in any way, although always expects me to be there on demand when he wants something or things go wrong. He still has hopes of going to University so can see a future for himself but does not seem able to understand that he has to put the effort in to get there. He has a very good mind and can be a funny end engaging young man but his anger and resentment are hiding his true nature.
Your thoughts on the matter would be greatly appreciated.
Kind Regards
S.
`````````````````
Hi S.,
You’ve mentioned several problems here. I’ll try to address as many as I can in the time I have.
Re: “alternative world for himself on the computer” —
Obsessively checking e-mail, playing online games for 10 hours or more at a time, placing more value on chat-room friends than real friends neglecting family, work and even personal health and hygiene... these are all symptoms of a new form of addiction that has surfaced only in recent years: computer addiction.
Creating a single definition for computer addiction is difficult because the term actually covers a wide spectrum of addictions. Few people are literally addicted to a computer as a physical object. They become addicted to activities performed on a computer, like instant messaging, viewing Internet pornography, playing video games, checking e-mail and reading news articles. These activities are collectively referred to as Computer Mediated Communication (CMC). Computer addiction focused on Internet use is often called Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD).
The various types of computer addicts have different reasons for their habits. Obsessive chat room use or e-mailing might fill a void of loneliness, while excessive viewing of pornography might stem from relationship problems or childhood abuse. The matter is further complicated by the fact that a computer is a useful tool. It's not like heroin for example -- there are many legitimate reasons why someone might spend hours using a computer. Even if someone uses a computer extensively for purely recreational purposes, that doesn't necessarily represent a real addiction any more than someone who spends hours working on a model train set, making quilts or gardening is "addicted" to those activities. Even the agreed-upon definition of addiction itself has evolved over the decades and remains a matter of debate in the medical community. In fact, the American Medical Association and the American Psychiatric Association do not currently consider computer addiction a valid diagnosis, a controversy we'll discuss later.
As a result of all these complications, any single definition of computer addiction is necessarily broad and a little vague. If the computer use is so pervasive that it interferes with other life activities, and if the user seems unable to stop using the computer to excess despite negative consequences, the problem might be a computer addiction.
Much of our understanding of computer addiction comes from decades of research on other addictions, like alcoholism or gambling addiction. Psychologists have identified several danger signs for computer addiction. Any of these signs would be a red flag, and multiple signs could mean there's a real problem:
·Continued excessive computer use despite incurring negative consequences, such as marital problems or getting in trouble at work due to computer use
·Hiding the extent of computer use from family and friends
·Making conscious efforts to cut back on computer time and repeatedly failing
·Missing events or opportunities or failing at non-computer-related tasks because of time spent on the computer. This could include poor job performance or missing out on family activities
·Staying on the computer for much longer than intended, or not noticing the passage of time while using the computer
·Thinking frequently about the computer when not using it or constantly looking forward to the next opportunity to use it
·Using the computer as an escape when feeling depressed or stressed
Computer addiction can have a variety of negative effects on a person. The most immediate are social. The user withdraws from friends and family as he spends more and more time on the computer. Relationships begin to wither as the user stops attending social gatherings, skips meetings with friends and avoids family members to get more computer time. Even when they do interact with their friends, users may become irritable when away from the computer, causing further social harm.
Eventually, excessive computer use can take an emotional toll. The user gradually withdraws into an artificial world. Constant computer gaming can cause someone to place more emotional value on events within the game than things happening in their real lives. Excessive viewing of Internet pornography can warp a person's ideas about sexuality. Someone whose primary friends are screen names in a chat room may have difficulty with face-to-face interpersonal communication.
Over the long term, computer addiction can cause physical damage. Using a mouse and keyboard for many hours every day can lead to repetitive stress injuries. Back problems are common among people who spent a lot of time sitting at computer desks. Late-night computer sessions cut into much-needed sleep time. Long-term sleep deprivation causes drowsiness, difficulty concentrating, and depression of the immune system. Someone who spends hours at a computer is obviously not getting any meaningful exercise, so computer addiction can indirectly lead to poor overall physical condition and even obesity.
Eventually, the consequences of computer addiction will ripple through the user's life. Late-night use or use at work will affect job performance, which could lead to job loss. As the addiction takes its toll on family members, it can even lead to failed marriages.
If you're looking to curb your son’s computer use, here are some helpful tips:
·Enlist family members to help encourage your son to limit computer use. It might be too difficult to stop on his own.
·Install software to restrict access to Web sites that he visits compulsively. Keep the passwords for the software hidden.
·Make a list of things he could be accomplishing instead of wasting time on the computer, and post it prominently near his monitor.
·Make specific time limits. Set an alarm to go off in one hour and end computer time when it rings.
·Put the computer in a high-traffic area of the house. With others looking over his shoulder all the time, he'll be less likely to overuse the computer.
·Set aside "computer-free" parts of the day. If computer abuse starts after dinner and extends into the night, have him get all his computer work done in the morning – he can’t touch it after dinner.
Re: paranoia—
Are there any family members who have Bipolar Disorder? I would strongly recommend that your son get a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation – if he has not already had one. There may be some underlying mental disorder that needs treatment.
Re: “How do I help him to motivate himself to get back into the real world without pushing him before he is ready, and in the meantime differentiate between real fear and his manipulation of the situation.” —
You need to rule out any possible mental disorders (e.g., bipolar, chemical dependency, schizophrenia, aspergers, etc.). Then you will know whether or not he’s (a) manipulating people or (b) suffering with some form of mental illness.
On a side note, teens who have a genetic predisposition to bipolar or schizophrenia run the risk of “triggering” the disorder if they use hallucinatory chemicals. Also, anti-depressants can trigger bipolar in a child with a genetic predisposition to the disorder. Thus, I would think that an evaluation by a Child-Adolescent Psychiatrist would be paramount.
A less worrisome possibility is that he may simply have a social phobia. Teens with social phobia are less adept in social interactions. Peer relationships, school functioning and attendance, and family functioning all suffer as a result of a social phobia.
Social phobia may have a combination of the symptoms listed below:
·Anxiety attacks when anticipating or attempting social interactions Fearfulness with peers as well as adults
·Avoidance of social situations
·Consistent and extreme fear of situations involving new people
·Depression or thoughts of not wanting to be alive
·Extreme fear of social and performance situations
·Reluctance to participate in ordinary outings or activities
·Severe distress in routine social situations
·Difficulty transitioning from home to school
·Refusal or reluctance to attend school
·Avoidance of activities with peers
·Low self-esteem
·Difficulty concentrating
·Other anxiety disorders, mood disorders such as depression, or behavior disorders such as attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD
·Behavioral or cognitive side effects from medication
·Learning disorders and cognitive problems
Social phobia is treatable through ongoing interventions provided by a child's medical practitioners, therapists, school staff, and family. These treatments include psychological interventions (counseling), biological interventions (medicines), and accommodations at home and at school that reduce sources of stress for the child. Open, collaborative communication between a child's family, school, and treatment professionals optimizes the care and quality of life for the child with social phobia.
I would be willing to go into more detail regarding treatment of social phobia at a later date if you need more information.
Mark
Online Parent Support
The issue of smoking in the bedroom...
Hi Mark,
I've just subscribed to the e-book a couple of days ago so I haven't got very far. We've started assignment 1. I'm looking for advise on how to handle the issue of smoking in the bedroom. My 16 year old daughter, A has been smoking for probably a year and has always hidden it from us. Whenever I questioned her about smelling of smoke in the past, she would always say that it was because she was hanging around her friends who smoke. In the last 6 months, we've caught her with cigarettes in her bag and drawers and she has always made the excuse that she was hanging on to them for her friends who didn't want their parents to know to which we've said that that is their responsibility, not hers.
In the last month, she is doing it openly in the backyard and has told us that she has no intention of quitting and that we just have to accept it. The last straw was when she started smoking in her room. I wrote her a note (as I find it hard to talk to her these days as all I get back is profanity) explaining that her dad, brother and I do not smoke and do not appreciate the smell in our house so smoking in her room will not be tolerated and that if she had to do it then she needs to have some consideration for us and do it outside.
I think she's lashing out because we locked her window (she was sneaking out at night and during the day) so she couldn't blow the smoke out her window. We are a family who live a healthy lifestyle and the message to her is that we will never accept her smoking.
I would like your advice on how to approach this situation or do you think that it's one of those things that should be ignored for now because there are other more challenging ones to deal with such as skipping school, disappearing and not returning till 3 am on a school night, wanting to move out, etc.
Thanks for listening, J.
Click here for my response...
"We found out she was drinking by reading her texts..."
Hi B.,
Please look for these arrows throughout your email for my responses: ===>
Hi Mark, First of all I can't tell you what a blessing your website has been to me. I was literally on the floor crying and praying that I would find something, someone to help me with my teenage daughter. I then got on the internet and typed in teen parenting and found your website. What a lifesaver it has been for me.
Thank you so much. Now, the problem I am currently having is....you say to only do one lesson a week. That would be okay but I feel like I'm in panic mode. I need to learn all this stuff really fast so I can start implementing it asap before my daughter totally loses it.
===> Only do one session per week. When parents implement a bunch of new changes overnight, it is often the kiss of failure.
Just to give you some background......she is a 16 year old girl who has decided overnight it seems that life is boring and she needs to spice things up a bit by hanging out with new friends, drinking, totally disrespecting us as parents, etc..... She is in full force rebellion.
When we (my husband and I) found out she was drinking (by reading her texts) we grounded her for a month.
===> As you’ll discover when you get entirely through the program, 7 days is the absolute most you should ground – but 3 days works best! I’m not going elaborate since this is all covered in the eBook.
Now my life is hell. She hates me and has said some very hurtful things to me. I don't like the kids she's now hanging out with, she doesn't want to go to church anymore. She has changed overnight. I know she's planning on sneaking out and/or running away. I took your parenting test and am sad to say I scored a 90.....I've been way too overindulgent. She's the only girl of 4 boys and has been the princess of the house. Now I'm trying to change everything and I am so stressed out. I've been good about not showing my emotions to her but inside I'm a mess.
==> JOIN Online Parent Support
===> Peer group influence falls into the “pick your battles carefully” category. You will do well to discern what things you can and cannot control …and then focus on those things you can control. Who she is “hanging with” is beyond your control (unless you want to lock her up somewhere).
So I guess the questions I have are.....Was I wrong for reading her texts? Should I continue to do so?
===> Given the severity of the situation, you have permission to "snoop".
I have now lost all trust in her cause she lies constantly so I feel the need to read them so I can know the truth of what she's up to.
===> The larger issue here (as you will discover) is: What is she doing to EARN cell phone privileges?
Also, is a month too long a punishment for drinking?
===> Without a doubt.
And should I forbid her to see these friends?
===> You won’t be able to sufficiently control this.
What if she does sneak out?
===> Warn her up front that if she sneaks out, you will file a runaway charge.
There's one boy in particular that I'm afraid she'll end up having sex with based on their conversations and right now that's the last thing I need.
===> The only person she will truly listen to will be another female (younger than 21-years of age) who got pregnant at an early age. If you know anyone like this, maybe she can fill your daughter in on the huge responsibility associated with early pregnancy (e.g., immature father who bails out of the relationship due to the stress involved; financial strain; inability to further education, etc.).
Stay in touch,
Mark Hutten, M.A.
Am I doing this correctly?
Hi Mark,
Thank you for your wonderful programme. I have a 13 year old son who is not only strong willed but also bright. I have struggled for years with him using conventional methods, which have never worked and I could not figure out why. Just hearing you say that the conventional methods for "normal" kids do not work on the strong willed child was a relief for me!! Thank you so much for saying that.
My husband and I are now realising - because of what you have said about the fact that these kids want to zap your energy and get you mad and annoy you etc that this is exactly what this child loves to do!! We have been feeling like we are going under for some time. I really want this method to work because I do not know what else to do! I am using the fair fighting method - not necessarily the time out though - for all instances of disrespect, swearing at me, talking over me etc. Would that be right to do or should I only use that method when he is mad and give him time out first? He argues every point and will not do as he is told in most instances. He has already told me that "this method, whatever it is is not working. Don't treat me like a baby, I will not say back to you what you have just said etc and on and on it goes. I then go back to stating the "When you, I feel etc in a calm voice until he gives me the answers that are required.
Am I doing this correctly? I really appreciate you help and it is great to have someone to talk to regarding this so I can get it right and reap the benefits.
Thanks J.
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Hi J.,
Re: I am using the fair fighting method…
As I think I mentioned on that page in the audio part, this method is best used for prepubescent children (before puberty). I would not recommend using it with a 13-year-old.
The strategy that will work best in the situation you described is in the Anger Management Chapter – but you should not use that technique until week #3! You just signed-up yesterday.
Please only do session #1, along with session #1 assignments this week – nothing more for now.
Stay in touch. Thank you for working the program as intended.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Thank you for your wonderful programme. I have a 13 year old son who is not only strong willed but also bright. I have struggled for years with him using conventional methods, which have never worked and I could not figure out why. Just hearing you say that the conventional methods for "normal" kids do not work on the strong willed child was a relief for me!! Thank you so much for saying that.
My husband and I are now realising - because of what you have said about the fact that these kids want to zap your energy and get you mad and annoy you etc that this is exactly what this child loves to do!! We have been feeling like we are going under for some time. I really want this method to work because I do not know what else to do! I am using the fair fighting method - not necessarily the time out though - for all instances of disrespect, swearing at me, talking over me etc. Would that be right to do or should I only use that method when he is mad and give him time out first? He argues every point and will not do as he is told in most instances. He has already told me that "this method, whatever it is is not working. Don't treat me like a baby, I will not say back to you what you have just said etc and on and on it goes. I then go back to stating the "When you, I feel etc in a calm voice until he gives me the answers that are required.
Am I doing this correctly? I really appreciate you help and it is great to have someone to talk to regarding this so I can get it right and reap the benefits.
Thanks J.
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Hi J.,
Re: I am using the fair fighting method…
As I think I mentioned on that page in the audio part, this method is best used for prepubescent children (before puberty). I would not recommend using it with a 13-year-old.
The strategy that will work best in the situation you described is in the Anger Management Chapter – but you should not use that technique until week #3! You just signed-up yesterday.
Please only do session #1, along with session #1 assignments this week – nothing more for now.
Stay in touch. Thank you for working the program as intended.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Teens and Sexual Promiscuity
"Why do younger teenagers nowadays start having sex in the first place? How do I even approach this topic with my daughter? She just says that 'everyone does it -- it's no big deal'. When I was a teenager, I would never even think about having sex with my boyfriend at the time. I guess this shows how old I am."
The topic of sexuality and teens often makes moms and dads - and adolescents - uncomfortable. It can be difficult to even broach the subject of sexuality, and even more difficult should the mother or father suspect their teenager is sexually promiscuous.
Few moms and dads want to confront the issues of sexual promiscuity or inappropriate sexual behavior in their kids, yet avoiding such behavioral problems can be as risky as the behaviors themselves. Not only does sexual promiscuity cause serious health risks to your teenager, it can damage self-esteem and emotional health as well.
Adolescents often partake in risk-taking behaviors. This seems to be a common theme among teens, but it can become a serious issue in troubled teens. Sex may become an outlet for a struggling adolescent's frustrations, much in the same way drugs and alcohol serve as an outlet. In this way, sex becomes a drug, a way to escape feelings and emotional confusion. However, as with any drug, there is a backlash. Any adolescent who is acting out sexually will begin to feel a diminished sense of value and self-esteem.
In some cases, sex can be used as a weapon or defense. A teen might see promiscuous sex as a way of showing the parent that he or she is "free," a grown-up, someone who can "do whatever" they want to do. Allowing a teenager to continue to see sex in such an emotionally immature and self-destructive manner can lead to long-term problems with intimate relationships.
Environment, age of partner and perceived family support may affect young people's decisions to have sex. While the media bombards us with alarming statistics about the number of teenagers having sex, few reports shed light on what might encourage teens to become sexually active in the first place. Three studies offer some insight into sexually active teens: environment, age of partner and perceived family support may affect young people's decisions to have sex.
Adolescents often partake in risk-taking behaviors. This seems to be a common theme among teens, but it can become a serious issue in troubled teens. Sex may become an outlet for a struggling adolescent's frustrations, much in the same way drugs and alcohol serve as an outlet. In this way, sex becomes a drug, a way to escape feelings and emotional confusion. However, as with any drug, there is a backlash. Any adolescent who is acting out sexually will begin to feel a diminished sense of value and self-esteem.
In some cases, sex can be used as a weapon or defense. A teen might see promiscuous sex as a way of showing the parent that he or she is "free," a grown-up, someone who can "do whatever" they want to do. Allowing a teenager to continue to see sex in such an emotionally immature and self-destructive manner can lead to long-term problems with intimate relationships.
Plus, teens tended to overestimate how many of their friends were sexually active. Only 33 percent of kids in the study had had sex by the 9th grade, but 31 percent said that most or all of their friends had had sex. "If you can persuade them that fewer are having sex than they think," she says, "that can have a significant impact on their behavior."
Among young girls, a partner's age is a risk factor for sexual activity. "The younger the girl is at the age of first intercourse, the more likely she is to have a much older partner," says Harold Leitenberg, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Vermont. His study, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, found that of 4,201 girls in 8th through 12th grades, those who lost their virginity between ages 11 and 12 tended to have partners five or more years older.
For girls who had sex later in adolescence, the partner's age disparity was much smaller. Early sexual initiation was also associated with a number of behavioral problems. "Ignoring the age of the partners, the earlier a girl was when she first had intercourse, the greater her risk of suicide attempts, alcohol use, drug abuse, truancy and pregnancy," Leitenberg says.
The good news is that while teen sex may not be wholly preventable, the health risks it involves can be reduced through communication within the family. More research presented at the APHA meeting showed that frequent parent-child discussions about sex and its dangers may prevent teenagers from engaging in risky sexual behavior.
Researchers at Emory University questioned 522 sexually active African-American adolescents about the openness and support that their families provided. Adolescents who felt that their families were more supportive were less likely to have unprotected sex, and thus were at a lesser risk for pregnancy and disease.
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
What is the recommended reward/consequence for academic grades?
Dear Mark.......your Out-of-Control guidelines have been invaluable to me and my wife. We have developed a home rules contract and we are trying to put your guidelines into action.
Question: What is the recommended reward / consequence for academic grades? Our son is underachieving in the 8th grade. He is capable of doing better.
Many thanks in advance, JL
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Hi J.,
The recommendations depend greatly on (a) whether or not poor academic performance is an ongoing source of parent-child conflict and (b) whether or not the child has a history of poor academic performance.
If poor academic performance is NOT an ongoing source of parent-child conflict -- and if your son does NOT have a history of poor academic performance, then refer to YOUR CHILD'S ACADEMIC SUCCESS <== click…
If poor academic performance IS an ongoing source of parent-child conflict -- and if your son DOES have a history of poor academic performance, then refer to the section of the eBook that addresses this subject ==> EMAILS FROM WORRIED & EXASPERATED PARENTS
Mark
Things have got dramatically worse in the last 2 weeks...
Hi J.,
Please look for these arrows throughout your email below: ==>
Hi Mark,
Things have got dramatically worse in the last 2 weeks.
==> Good – you are on track! As you hopefully learned from Session #1, things do get worse before they get better (unless the parent employs half measures). This is expected because kids, by nature, resist change and try very hard to convince the parent that she/he will never “win.”
First my son is excluded from school, he is not supposed to go out of the house in school hours, but wont listen and goes out of the house when he feels like it and comes home when he is ready, he wont answer his cell phone when he is out.
==> Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of the eBook].
It sounds like you really need to kick up the “tough love” a few notches. Are you ready? Here goes!
If he leaves without permission, this is the perfect time to remove everything from his room – including the bedroom door. Leave the heavy furniture. Also, he should not have his cell phone either since he is abusing the privilege. When he successfully completes a 3-day-discipline as outlined in the chapter listed above, he gets all his stuff back. I know this sounds drastic – and it does take some physical effort on your part, but this is serious – no half measures!
He hangs around with a gang of boys and they ride mopeds up and down the street.
==> This one falls into the “pick your battles carefully” category. I don’t think you’ll be able to control who he “hangs around.”
Last weekend he spent £200 and I dont know where he got it from and he wont say.
==> Unfortunately, you don’t have any evidence that he is stealing – and you can’t force him to tell you anything. When you get some evidence, then you can call police and file a complaint.
He is constantly rude and disrespectful when he comes in and tells me dont talk to him or to shut up.
He grabs things away from me, like my car keys or phone if I dont let him have what he wants.
==> Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of the eBook].
==> JOIN Online Parent Support
I have to lock everything of mine up so he doesnt take it.
I have tried to ground him, but he wont stay in.
I have taken away the computer and his xbox but he doesnt care because he is not in to use them.
==> He values his freedom. So this is the area you need to focus on. How can you withhold his freedom to run? Be creative. Involve authorities if need be.
I am tired and not sleeping properly constantly trying to think what to do and when it will end.
I am sticking to the programme but to no avail as he wont earn any money for chores, because he is getting money from elsewhere and my money isnt enough for him. He says he can get more from other places.
==> To no avail YET. I noticed from your invoice that you are only into week #2 of the program. You’re only halfway through.
You didn’t say how old your son is. For the sake of discussion, let’s say he’s 16-years-old. It has taken 16 years for the problems to get to this point. Therefore, it is going to take more than 2 weeks to get the problems resolved.
But he constantly asks me to tell social services I dont want him so he can live somewhere else.
==> More manipulation on his part.
He throws things at me when I dont argue with him to try and get a response, and he still doesnt get one, more than the ones in the programme.
==> This is battery. Why are you not calling authorities and filing complaints? Are you trying to save him from legal consequences? If so, then you’re not working the program. I can see now that you will have to take a more proactive stance with this son.
I give him the consequences and he wont accept them.
==> Then he may need to consider living elsewhere.
He also says he is not going back to school next week when he is due there.
==> That’s his choice – which will have (or certainly should have) serious consequences.
I am struggling here, what do I do??????????????
==> Get tough as outlined above. You’re in a tough spot right now. You will have to decide whether or not you will take the easy route (in which case, the tail will continue to wag the dog) or take a more proactive route (in which case, your assertive approach will eventually effect positive change).
There are no simple solutions, but when the parent hunkers down and really gets serious with this program – amazing things begin to happen.
Mark
Many more positives here than negatives...
Mark,
Thanks so much for getting back in touch.
It was very tough to arrest him BUT we did what we had to do with the information on hand. The lesson here is that he does not remember how he got there. He woke up in jail and all he remembered was that he had been with his friends the night before.. We left him in jail as long as we could so he had all of that time to think about how he got there. It scared him really bad. He got a misdemeanor charge of being under the influence as a minor and has a court date in April. He will be on Probation for 6 months-have to take drug tests , etc. He has already been through this when he was 17.
==> This is good. Now he's got a lot of accountability again.
==> Good!!
==> I think he needs IOP. You described a black-out earlier.
==> That's fine. A GED is a very respectable degree.
==> GREAT!
==> ALL GOOD! Many more positives here than negatives. I'm encouraged. I hope you are.
==> He'll do just fine eventually. He's a late bloomer - for sure.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Thanks so much for getting back in touch.
It was very tough to arrest him BUT we did what we had to do with the information on hand. The lesson here is that he does not remember how he got there. He woke up in jail and all he remembered was that he had been with his friends the night before.. We left him in jail as long as we could so he had all of that time to think about how he got there. It scared him really bad. He got a misdemeanor charge of being under the influence as a minor and has a court date in April. He will be on Probation for 6 months-have to take drug tests , etc. He has already been through this when he was 17.
==> This is good. Now he's got a lot of accountability again.
He just turned 18 in February.
We are divorced . He had been living with me for over a year and just at his Dad's for about a month. After this, he asked if he could come back to my house. And...here were my circumstances:
No friends over-I'm trying to sell my house.
Respect me and my house
He would have to get evaluated.
No drugs, etc. over here.
==> Good!!
We went for an evaluation on Wednesday and he was honest and cooperative. They just said he needed some Outpatient Therapy-like a counselor-which we have already done in the past 3 times.
So far, 3 days later...I smelled pot this morning at 3AM.
==> I think he needs IOP. You described a black-out earlier.
He dropped out of high school his Sr year and just got his GED in December.
==> That's fine. A GED is a very respectable degree.
He got this the same day his best and oldest friend died in his sleep at the age of 18. They do not know why yet. This has devastated him.
He has been accepted to two Jr Colleges and really wants to go. He just started a job yesterday but needs more hours.
==> GREAT!
He has not been driving for 6 months as he had too many points. He is now eligible to get his license this month. His car needed repairs so it is in the shop.
In the past 6 months, we have given him no money. We will not send him to college until he shows us he can work consistently and show responsibility. For his 18th birthday, we are repairing the car. He has to take a Defensive Class before he can get his car and he must pay for that.
==> ALL GOOD! Many more positives here than negatives. I'm encouraged. I hope you are.
==> He'll do just fine eventually. He's a late bloomer - for sure.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Getting her up for school and out the door...
Mark,
I first want to thank you for such a wonderful online tool for parents who are at their wits end. I listened to and read the video suggesting you put on your best poker face. This is easier said than done but working on it. I do provide a lot of intensity for my 8 year old. The past few weeks the recurrent argument is getting her up for school and out the door. I get angry because I am late for work. Obviously she needs to be held accountable for her dilly dallying, etc. However you can't leave an 8 year old by herself. So while I try to remain calm and have her do A, B, and C to get out the door what are some consequences that are realistic to hold her too. I am taking this program slowly but need some direction NOW to get out the door in the morning. This is ridiculous. And not a good way to start the day. Please help as I work this program.
Many thanks,
K.
He may have a Chemical Imbalance...
Mark,
Our child got put in jail last night. He is 18. He had been drinking and did a Xanax and went out of control. My x-husband had to call the police for his safety and our child’s. We had to make the decision if they would take him and we did the " tough love" thing and told them to take him. I know you would think that was the right thing to do. We will pick him up this afternoon.
Now...we think he needs a treatment program. He may have a Chemical Imbalance as my mom and sister have one. We also must get him away from the people he is hanging around with. Do you have any suggestions of a place near Marietta, GA. or Atlanta or ANY OTHER IDEAS ???
Thank you so much. We need you.
P.
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Hi P.,
I’m glad you called the police and had him arrested.
He’s 18?
Is he still living at home?
Is he going to college?
Does he have a job?
If not, uh oh!
He needs a drug and alcohol evaluation, but if he’s not in any legal trouble, no one can force him to get the evaluation. And he’s not likely to go on his own accord.
I’m also a bit concerned that you are taking responsibility for the peers your 18-year-old son “hangs around.” He’s an adult now. If he picks friends who get him into trouble, that’s his problem – not yours. And the more you take responsibility for his choice of friends, the less responsibility he will take.
I think you have much bigger fish to fry than his possible “chemical imbalance” – namely, preparing him for adulthood (now that he is already an adult).
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
Our child got put in jail last night. He is 18. He had been drinking and did a Xanax and went out of control. My x-husband had to call the police for his safety and our child’s. We had to make the decision if they would take him and we did the " tough love" thing and told them to take him. I know you would think that was the right thing to do. We will pick him up this afternoon.
Now...we think he needs a treatment program. He may have a Chemical Imbalance as my mom and sister have one. We also must get him away from the people he is hanging around with. Do you have any suggestions of a place near Marietta, GA. or Atlanta or ANY OTHER IDEAS ???
Thank you so much. We need you.
P.
``````````````````````
Hi P.,
I’m glad you called the police and had him arrested.
He’s 18?
Is he still living at home?
Is he going to college?
Does he have a job?
If not, uh oh!
He needs a drug and alcohol evaluation, but if he’s not in any legal trouble, no one can force him to get the evaluation. And he’s not likely to go on his own accord.
I’m also a bit concerned that you are taking responsibility for the peers your 18-year-old son “hangs around.” He’s an adult now. If he picks friends who get him into trouble, that’s his problem – not yours. And the more you take responsibility for his choice of friends, the less responsibility he will take.
I think you have much bigger fish to fry than his possible “chemical imbalance” – namely, preparing him for adulthood (now that he is already an adult).
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
She punched me in my face hitting me in my eye and nose...
Mark,
In viewing the web information, I have not come across anything that talks about your child being violent toward you at the level I just experienced. Is there a section in the program that discusses this issue?
Sunday, my daughter got out of control angry because I started to wash her clothes that were all over her room, wet and smelling and couldn't take the smell coming from her room anymore. My husband told her that morning to clean her room and when I saw her she was laying in her bed not doing anything. So I began to do her laundry. She became extremely angry and verbally abusive so I did not respond or say anything to her. I put a load of wash in the machine and when I returned to her room she was standing in her doorway yelling at me and refused to move. When I tried to walk past her she pushed me and my arm got scratched in multiple places against some hardware on the door panel.
I called for my husband because I did not want to get into yet another fight with her and when he came she moved. She began slamming items in her room, ran into the bathroom, slammed and locked the door. We got worried what she was doing in the bathroom because back in September she attempted suicide and we almost lost her. So I unlocked the bathroom door and she tried to not let me in. I asked her what she was doing in the bathroom and she just kept yelling.
She began to hit me with the door as I was standing between the door panel and the door to keep her from closing it. She flung the door open into the glass shower doors and cracked the door luckily not breaking the glass. I subdued her to the floor to keep her from hurting herself, me or destroying anything else. I asked her if she was done and that when she calmed down I would be able to let her up. When I let her up she punched me in my face hitting me in my eye and nose. She jumped behind me and dug her fingers into my eyes luckily my husband walked around the corner and grabbed her.
This was a ridiculous situation. She then got away from my husband and called the police claiming that I was beating her. We let the police come, as we were instructed to do so many times before when she becomes violent. The only difference this time was she was the one that called them. Only she did not realize that the long police record(s) of her actions for the last year have been recorded. Out of the 3 officers that arrived, 2 of them had been to our home before and were fully aware of our daughter’s history.
The police offered to have her taken to the hospital for a psych evaluation, but when I told them I lost my job and do not have any insurance. They brought Alex out of her room and tried to talk to both of us. Of course Alex's story was much different than what my husband and I described to them, and they went from talking to both of us to just Alex. I asked the police officer in front of her, if one of his children stood in his face, yelling and screaming and then hit him, what his response would be, he stated that there would be corporal punishment and then that child would no longer be living in his house.
She stated that maybe if I would stop trying to control everything and leave her alone and her room alone it wouldn't get this bad. If I would let her hang out with her friends, even if they do get high, doesn't mean she does all of the time and what is the big deal. She brought up that I need to get a job and a life and that I turned down a job because I told her I could not be that far away. I couldn't believe she was telling 3 police officers that she was breaking the law by using drugs and bringing up our financial situation. The officers and my husband stopped her and asked her what my employment status had anything to do with this and that she is not an adult and would not fully understand the reasons behind any choices my husband I make. I just sat there in shock and disbelief.
This awful scene ended with the police officers and my husband telling our daughter that if she put one more hand on me, then she would be arrested and DCFS would take her because she will not stay in this house and be violent and extremely out of control toward her mother as well as if she was caught with these other people even if she wasn't using at the time, that she would be arrested. Before they left they told us good luck and that if she does not change and get help, that the law will step in and have to teach her the lessons she needs to learn.
Mark, this all is so overwhelming, even when you try to stay calm. Everything has become reactive instead of proactive. I do understand that what will be will be and that I cannot control what she is doing, although I keep being told by the police, that we must control our child (ironic huh) before they do. No parent, at least that I know of, does not raise their children to become a menace to society. Although our children might not be doctors, lawyers, etc., doesn't mean that we can't at least expect that they do not become a menace. Which is what we fear our daughter is becoming.
I will continue working through the program because I keep thinking about the statement of "you can't control your child, but you definitely want to influence their decisions." I have definitely been fired as her manager, but at her age, I shouldn't be a manager anymore, I should be a coach that she can turn to and if I do follow the baby steps here, then maybe just maybe that can happen. The only thing is the violence. How do we deal (how do I deal) with the violence and not let myself become cold to a child I gave birth to and have raised thus far.
I've sent this to you in hopes that you can give some advice on this very volatile situation.
Sincerely,
T.
```````````````````````
Hi T.,
Re: In viewing the web information, I have not come across anything that talks about your child being violent toward you at the level I just experienced. Is there a section in the program that discusses this issue?
This is covered in the Anger Management Chapter of the eBook [Online Version], but allow me to elaborate. This is actually a very simple problem to address.
First, your daughter should have a Comprehensive Psychiatric Evaluation if she has not had one already. Some medication for mood stabilization may be in order (at least temporarily).
Second, tell her upfront that the next time she commits “domestic battery” (which is exactly what occurred) you will (a) call police and file a report and (b) go to the nearest Juvenile Probation Department and file battery charges. Then she can answer to the Judge. And she will likely be court-ordered to treatment, which you may or may not have to pay for.
Having said this, ideally you want to avoid these meltdowns before they start. Again, this is all covered on the Anger Management section of the eBook.
Re: She then got away from my husband and called the police claiming that I was beating her.
But again, avoiding situations in which the child is trying to get the parent in trouble with the law is mush easier than trying to explain to authorities that you, the parent, are the victim.
Violent behavior in children and adolescents can include a wide range of behaviors:
· attempts to hurt others
· cruelty toward animals
· explosive temper tantrums
· fighting
· fire setting
· homicidal thoughts
· intentional destruction of property
· physical aggression
· threats
· use of weapons
· vandalism
Numerous research studies have concluded that a complex interaction or combination of factors leads to an increased risk of violent behavior in children and adolescents. These factors include:
· Being the victim of physical abuse and/or sexual abuse
· Brain damage from head injury
· Combination of stressful family socioeconomic factors (poverty, severe deprivation, marital breakup, single parenting, unemployment, loss of support from extended family)
· Exposure to violence in media (TV, movies, etc.)
· Exposure to violence in the home and/or community
· Genetic (family heredity) factors
· Presence of firearms in home
· Previous aggressive or violent behavior
· Use of drugs and/or alcohol
Children who have several risk factors and show the following behaviors should be carefully evaluated:
· Becoming easily frustrated
· Extreme impulsiveness
· Extreme irritability
· Frequent loss of temper or blow-ups
· Intense anger
Whenever a parent or other adult is concerned, they should immediately arrange for a comprehensive evaluation by a qualified mental health professional. Early treatment by a professional can often help. The goals of treatment typically focus on helping the child to:
· be responsible for his/her actions
· accept consequences
· express anger and frustrations in appropriate ways
· learn how to control her anger
In addition, family conflicts, school problems, and community issues must be addressed.
Research studies have shown that much violent behavior can be decreased or even prevented if the above risk factors are significantly reduced or eliminated.
Mark
Click for more help ==> My Out-of-Control Child
In viewing the web information, I have not come across anything that talks about your child being violent toward you at the level I just experienced. Is there a section in the program that discusses this issue?
Sunday, my daughter got out of control angry because I started to wash her clothes that were all over her room, wet and smelling and couldn't take the smell coming from her room anymore. My husband told her that morning to clean her room and when I saw her she was laying in her bed not doing anything. So I began to do her laundry. She became extremely angry and verbally abusive so I did not respond or say anything to her. I put a load of wash in the machine and when I returned to her room she was standing in her doorway yelling at me and refused to move. When I tried to walk past her she pushed me and my arm got scratched in multiple places against some hardware on the door panel.
I called for my husband because I did not want to get into yet another fight with her and when he came she moved. She began slamming items in her room, ran into the bathroom, slammed and locked the door. We got worried what she was doing in the bathroom because back in September she attempted suicide and we almost lost her. So I unlocked the bathroom door and she tried to not let me in. I asked her what she was doing in the bathroom and she just kept yelling.
She began to hit me with the door as I was standing between the door panel and the door to keep her from closing it. She flung the door open into the glass shower doors and cracked the door luckily not breaking the glass. I subdued her to the floor to keep her from hurting herself, me or destroying anything else. I asked her if she was done and that when she calmed down I would be able to let her up. When I let her up she punched me in my face hitting me in my eye and nose. She jumped behind me and dug her fingers into my eyes luckily my husband walked around the corner and grabbed her.
This was a ridiculous situation. She then got away from my husband and called the police claiming that I was beating her. We let the police come, as we were instructed to do so many times before when she becomes violent. The only difference this time was she was the one that called them. Only she did not realize that the long police record(s) of her actions for the last year have been recorded. Out of the 3 officers that arrived, 2 of them had been to our home before and were fully aware of our daughter’s history.
The police offered to have her taken to the hospital for a psych evaluation, but when I told them I lost my job and do not have any insurance. They brought Alex out of her room and tried to talk to both of us. Of course Alex's story was much different than what my husband and I described to them, and they went from talking to both of us to just Alex. I asked the police officer in front of her, if one of his children stood in his face, yelling and screaming and then hit him, what his response would be, he stated that there would be corporal punishment and then that child would no longer be living in his house.
She stated that maybe if I would stop trying to control everything and leave her alone and her room alone it wouldn't get this bad. If I would let her hang out with her friends, even if they do get high, doesn't mean she does all of the time and what is the big deal. She brought up that I need to get a job and a life and that I turned down a job because I told her I could not be that far away. I couldn't believe she was telling 3 police officers that she was breaking the law by using drugs and bringing up our financial situation. The officers and my husband stopped her and asked her what my employment status had anything to do with this and that she is not an adult and would not fully understand the reasons behind any choices my husband I make. I just sat there in shock and disbelief.
This awful scene ended with the police officers and my husband telling our daughter that if she put one more hand on me, then she would be arrested and DCFS would take her because she will not stay in this house and be violent and extremely out of control toward her mother as well as if she was caught with these other people even if she wasn't using at the time, that she would be arrested. Before they left they told us good luck and that if she does not change and get help, that the law will step in and have to teach her the lessons she needs to learn.
Mark, this all is so overwhelming, even when you try to stay calm. Everything has become reactive instead of proactive. I do understand that what will be will be and that I cannot control what she is doing, although I keep being told by the police, that we must control our child (ironic huh) before they do. No parent, at least that I know of, does not raise their children to become a menace to society. Although our children might not be doctors, lawyers, etc., doesn't mean that we can't at least expect that they do not become a menace. Which is what we fear our daughter is becoming.
I will continue working through the program because I keep thinking about the statement of "you can't control your child, but you definitely want to influence their decisions." I have definitely been fired as her manager, but at her age, I shouldn't be a manager anymore, I should be a coach that she can turn to and if I do follow the baby steps here, then maybe just maybe that can happen. The only thing is the violence. How do we deal (how do I deal) with the violence and not let myself become cold to a child I gave birth to and have raised thus far.
I've sent this to you in hopes that you can give some advice on this very volatile situation.
Sincerely,
T.
```````````````````````
Hi T.,
Re: In viewing the web information, I have not come across anything that talks about your child being violent toward you at the level I just experienced. Is there a section in the program that discusses this issue?
This is covered in the Anger Management Chapter of the eBook [Online Version], but allow me to elaborate. This is actually a very simple problem to address.
First, your daughter should have a Comprehensive Psychiatric Evaluation if she has not had one already. Some medication for mood stabilization may be in order (at least temporarily).
Second, tell her upfront that the next time she commits “domestic battery” (which is exactly what occurred) you will (a) call police and file a report and (b) go to the nearest Juvenile Probation Department and file battery charges. Then she can answer to the Judge. And she will likely be court-ordered to treatment, which you may or may not have to pay for.
Having said this, ideally you want to avoid these meltdowns before they start. Again, this is all covered on the Anger Management section of the eBook.
Re: She then got away from my husband and called the police claiming that I was beating her.
But again, avoiding situations in which the child is trying to get the parent in trouble with the law is mush easier than trying to explain to authorities that you, the parent, are the victim.
Violent behavior in children and adolescents can include a wide range of behaviors:
· attempts to hurt others
· cruelty toward animals
· explosive temper tantrums
· fighting
· fire setting
· homicidal thoughts
· intentional destruction of property
· physical aggression
· threats
· use of weapons
· vandalism
Numerous research studies have concluded that a complex interaction or combination of factors leads to an increased risk of violent behavior in children and adolescents. These factors include:
· Being the victim of physical abuse and/or sexual abuse
· Brain damage from head injury
· Combination of stressful family socioeconomic factors (poverty, severe deprivation, marital breakup, single parenting, unemployment, loss of support from extended family)
· Exposure to violence in media (TV, movies, etc.)
· Exposure to violence in the home and/or community
· Genetic (family heredity) factors
· Presence of firearms in home
· Previous aggressive or violent behavior
· Use of drugs and/or alcohol
Children who have several risk factors and show the following behaviors should be carefully evaluated:
· Becoming easily frustrated
· Extreme impulsiveness
· Extreme irritability
· Frequent loss of temper or blow-ups
· Intense anger
Whenever a parent or other adult is concerned, they should immediately arrange for a comprehensive evaluation by a qualified mental health professional. Early treatment by a professional can often help. The goals of treatment typically focus on helping the child to:
· be responsible for his/her actions
· accept consequences
· express anger and frustrations in appropriate ways
· learn how to control her anger
In addition, family conflicts, school problems, and community issues must be addressed.
Research studies have shown that much violent behavior can be decreased or even prevented if the above risk factors are significantly reduced or eliminated.
Mark
Click for more help ==> My Out-of-Control Child
He refuses to eat what serve...
Hi Mark,
I am enjoying reading your book and up to assignment 2.
I apologize for being upfront and I am hoping you don't mind me asking you for advice.
I have a wonderful 14-year-old son who is giving us a bit of grief at the moment. His attitude basically is we are all his servants and he basically yells at us. Very hard to actually sit down and have a conversation.
We always sit down for evening meal but R___ just about refuses to eat what serve. He wont suggest in the morning what he would like but is happy to complain and whine. This is the same as his school lunch.
I thought today I have had enough and refuse to make his lunch and will offer dinner knowing very well he won’t want it. R___ would sooner starve than actually cook something for himself.
What do you think is going on here? What is the best way to handle this situation? I know it sounds petty. I don't want to waste any more effort on making a situation worse.
Appreciate your time,
J.
``````````````````````````
Hi J.,
You’re definitely not alone. Children's nutrition is a sore topic in many households. Many parents are distressed by what their children eat — or don't eat. However, most kids get plenty of variety and nutrition in their diets over the course of a week. So don’t become alarmed. Until your child's food preferences mature, prevent mealtime battles one bite at a time. Here’s how:
1. Be patient with new foods. Children often touch or smell new foods, and may even put tiny bits in their mouths and then take them back out again. Your child may need repeated exposure to a new food before he takes the first bite.
2. Be sneaky. Add chopped broccoli or green peppers to spaghetti sauce, top cereal with fruit slices, or mix grated zucchini and carrots into casseroles and soups.
3. Boycott the clean plate club. Don't force your child to clean his plate. This may only ignite — or reinforce — a power struggle over food. Instead, allow your child to stop eating when he is full.
4. Don't expect too much. After age 2, slower growth often reduces a child's appetite. A few bites may be all it takes for your child to feel full.
5. Don't offer dessert as a reward. Withholding dessert sends the message that dessert is the best food, which may only increase your child's desire for sweets. You might select one or two nights a week as dessert nights, and skip dessert the rest of the week. Or redefine dessert as fruit, yogurt or other healthy choices.
6. Eat breakfast for dinner. Who says cereal or pancakes are only for breakfast? The distinction between breakfast, lunch and dinner foods may be lost on your child.
7. Expect some food preferences to stick. As kids mature, they tend to become less picky about food. Still, everyone has food preferences. Don't expect your child to like everything.
8. Keep an eye on the clock. Nix juice and snacks for at least one hour before meals. If your child comes to the table hungry, he may be more motivated to eat.
9. Keep it separate. If your child isn't a fan of various ingredients thrown together, you might "unmix" the food. Place sandwich fixings outside the bread, or serve the ingredients of a salad, casserole or stir-fry separately.
10. Know when to seek help. If your child is energetic and growing -- he is probably doing fine. Consult your child's doctor if you're concerned that picky eating is compromising your child's growth and development or if certain foods seem to make your child ill.
11. Leave taste out of it. Talk about a food's color, shape, aroma and texture — not whether it tastes good.
12. Limit liquid calories. Low-fat or fat-free dairy products and 100 percent fruit juice can be important parts of a healthy diet — but if your child fills up on milk or juice, he or she may have no room for meals or snacks.
13. Make it fun. Serve broccoli and other veggies with a favorite dip or sauce. Cut foods into various shapes with cookie cutters.
14. Minimize distractions. Turn off the television during meals, and don't allow books or toys at the table.
15. Recruit your child's help. At the grocery store, ask your child to help you select fruits, vegetables and other healthy foods. Don't buy anything that you don't want your child to eat. At home, encourage your child to help you rinse veggies, stir batter or set the table.
16. Respect your child's hunger — or lack thereof. Children tend to eat only when they're hungry. If your child isn't hungry, don't force a meal or snack.
17. Set a good example. If you eat a variety of healthy foods, your child is more likely to follow suit.
18. Start small. Offer several foods in small portions. Let your child choose what he eats.
19. Stay calm. If your child senses that you're unhappy with his eating habits, it may become a battle of wills. Threats and punishments only reinforce the power struggle.
20. Stick to the routine. Serve meals and snacks at about the same times every day. If the kitchen is closed at other times, your child may be more likely to eat what's served for meals and snacks.
Your child's eating habits won't likely change overnight. But the small steps you take each day can help promote a lifetime of healthy eating.
Good luck,
Mark
Online Parent Support
I am enjoying reading your book and up to assignment 2.
I apologize for being upfront and I am hoping you don't mind me asking you for advice.
I have a wonderful 14-year-old son who is giving us a bit of grief at the moment. His attitude basically is we are all his servants and he basically yells at us. Very hard to actually sit down and have a conversation.
We always sit down for evening meal but R___ just about refuses to eat what serve. He wont suggest in the morning what he would like but is happy to complain and whine. This is the same as his school lunch.
I thought today I have had enough and refuse to make his lunch and will offer dinner knowing very well he won’t want it. R___ would sooner starve than actually cook something for himself.
What do you think is going on here? What is the best way to handle this situation? I know it sounds petty. I don't want to waste any more effort on making a situation worse.
Appreciate your time,
J.
``````````````````````````
Hi J.,
You’re definitely not alone. Children's nutrition is a sore topic in many households. Many parents are distressed by what their children eat — or don't eat. However, most kids get plenty of variety and nutrition in their diets over the course of a week. So don’t become alarmed. Until your child's food preferences mature, prevent mealtime battles one bite at a time. Here’s how:
1. Be patient with new foods. Children often touch or smell new foods, and may even put tiny bits in their mouths and then take them back out again. Your child may need repeated exposure to a new food before he takes the first bite.
2. Be sneaky. Add chopped broccoli or green peppers to spaghetti sauce, top cereal with fruit slices, or mix grated zucchini and carrots into casseroles and soups.
3. Boycott the clean plate club. Don't force your child to clean his plate. This may only ignite — or reinforce — a power struggle over food. Instead, allow your child to stop eating when he is full.
4. Don't expect too much. After age 2, slower growth often reduces a child's appetite. A few bites may be all it takes for your child to feel full.
5. Don't offer dessert as a reward. Withholding dessert sends the message that dessert is the best food, which may only increase your child's desire for sweets. You might select one or two nights a week as dessert nights, and skip dessert the rest of the week. Or redefine dessert as fruit, yogurt or other healthy choices.
6. Eat breakfast for dinner. Who says cereal or pancakes are only for breakfast? The distinction between breakfast, lunch and dinner foods may be lost on your child.
7. Expect some food preferences to stick. As kids mature, they tend to become less picky about food. Still, everyone has food preferences. Don't expect your child to like everything.
8. Keep an eye on the clock. Nix juice and snacks for at least one hour before meals. If your child comes to the table hungry, he may be more motivated to eat.
9. Keep it separate. If your child isn't a fan of various ingredients thrown together, you might "unmix" the food. Place sandwich fixings outside the bread, or serve the ingredients of a salad, casserole or stir-fry separately.
10. Know when to seek help. If your child is energetic and growing -- he is probably doing fine. Consult your child's doctor if you're concerned that picky eating is compromising your child's growth and development or if certain foods seem to make your child ill.
11. Leave taste out of it. Talk about a food's color, shape, aroma and texture — not whether it tastes good.
12. Limit liquid calories. Low-fat or fat-free dairy products and 100 percent fruit juice can be important parts of a healthy diet — but if your child fills up on milk or juice, he or she may have no room for meals or snacks.
13. Make it fun. Serve broccoli and other veggies with a favorite dip or sauce. Cut foods into various shapes with cookie cutters.
14. Minimize distractions. Turn off the television during meals, and don't allow books or toys at the table.
15. Recruit your child's help. At the grocery store, ask your child to help you select fruits, vegetables and other healthy foods. Don't buy anything that you don't want your child to eat. At home, encourage your child to help you rinse veggies, stir batter or set the table.
16. Respect your child's hunger — or lack thereof. Children tend to eat only when they're hungry. If your child isn't hungry, don't force a meal or snack.
17. Set a good example. If you eat a variety of healthy foods, your child is more likely to follow suit.
18. Start small. Offer several foods in small portions. Let your child choose what he eats.
19. Stay calm. If your child senses that you're unhappy with his eating habits, it may become a battle of wills. Threats and punishments only reinforce the power struggle.
20. Stick to the routine. Serve meals and snacks at about the same times every day. If the kitchen is closed at other times, your child may be more likely to eat what's served for meals and snacks.
Your child's eating habits won't likely change overnight. But the small steps you take each day can help promote a lifetime of healthy eating.
Good luck,
Mark
Online Parent Support
I am not able to reach him...
Dear Mark,
I stumbled across your web page last night after yet another devastating episode of frustration. J___ is my second child and has so very much to offer. He is very fun loving, but has struggled with self control and discipline for many years. He is twelve years old and I am so very afraid that we are now beginning to damage him. I see that he thinks we are all against him, he believes that he is flawed and struggles with good decision making. We have three other children full time and two that are here every second weekend. It has gotten to the point where we have become unable to enjoy family outings because of his behaviour.
I have studied children’s development for many years and have many certificates and degrees in Early Childhood Education and Psychology. I am not able to reach him and I am so afraid for the dynamics of our family and his stability.
I ordered your ebook and am anticipating positive results. I am so very hopeful that your program will effect change in our lives.
Thanks!
Lori
My Out-of-Control Child
I stumbled across your web page last night after yet another devastating episode of frustration. J___ is my second child and has so very much to offer. He is very fun loving, but has struggled with self control and discipline for many years. He is twelve years old and I am so very afraid that we are now beginning to damage him. I see that he thinks we are all against him, he believes that he is flawed and struggles with good decision making. We have three other children full time and two that are here every second weekend. It has gotten to the point where we have become unable to enjoy family outings because of his behaviour.
I have studied children’s development for many years and have many certificates and degrees in Early Childhood Education and Psychology. I am not able to reach him and I am so afraid for the dynamics of our family and his stability.
I ordered your ebook and am anticipating positive results. I am so very hopeful that your program will effect change in our lives.
Thanks!
Lori
My Out-of-Control Child
I am very angry that he did not stay in his room...
"Mark - My 12 year old son was rude and disrespectful and lied to me today so i grounded him for the evening, he continued to yell and shout so i sent him to his room - and he just walked out the house. At this point I am hoping he will come back at a sensible time and i am very angry that he did not stay in his room and also scared that if grounding him doesn't work anymore i have no other method of discipline left that has ever worked or that he cares about."
``````````````````````````````````````````
In the future—
Re: yelling and shouting. Tell him he’s grounded for 24 hours with no privileges (i.e., no computer, phone, TV, video games, etc.) – and the 24-hour discipline does not start until he stops yelling and shouting. Then let him decide when to start the clock. As soon as he stops yelling, look at the clock, write down the time, and tell him he will be ungrounded in exactly 24 hours from that time. If he starts yelling again, the clock starts over.
Re: walking out on a discipline. Tell him that, in the future, if he walks out on a one-day discipline, it automatically becomes a 3-day discipline, which doesn’t start until he returns home. Also, while he is away, you will be confiscating quite a few of his cherished possessions -- and you will call the police and file a run away charge. The next time he walks out on a one-day discipline, follow through with what you told him you would do.
All bite – no bark. This is serious business. If you, the parent, cannot muster up the tough love described above, then you’re not working the program as intended – and you will not be successful in helping your child make better choices.
For more info on this subject, please refer to the section of the eBook entitled
“When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management Chapter –
Online Version].
Mark
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
Dealing With Picky Eaters
Mark-
Have been looking at your website and am very interested. I have 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl. It's no longer a joy being in the house with them all at once!! I'm not saying they are really naughty, they don't trash the house or give verbal abuse, but they perhaps are just being boys and continuously argue, they don't do as they are told and meal times are a nightmare!
Your speedy reply would be appreciated.
K.
````````````````````````````
Hi K.,
Here are 20 tips for picky eaters. Use these practical tips to avoid mealtime battles:
Your child has refused to eat anything other than peanut butter sandwiches for the past two days, and your toddler would rather play than eat anything at all. Sound familiar?
If children's nutrition is a sore topic in your household, you're not alone. Many parents are distressed by what their children eat — or don't eat. However, most kids get plenty of variety and nutrition in their diets over the course of a week. Until your child's food preferences mature, prevent mealtime battles one bite at a time.
1. Be patient with new foods. Young children often touch or smell new foods, and may even put tiny bits in their mouths and then take them back out again. Your child may need repeated exposure to a new food before he or she takes the first bite.
2. Be sneaky. Add chopped broccoli or green peppers to spaghetti sauce, top cereal with fruit slices, or mix grated zucchini and carrots into casseroles and soups.
3. Boycott the clean plate club. Don't force your child to clean his or her plate. This may only ignite — or reinforce — a power struggle over food. Instead, allow your child to stop eating when he or she is full.
4. Don't expect too much. After age 2, slower growth often reduces a child's appetite. A few bites may be all it takes for your child to feel full.
5. Don't offer dessert as a reward. Withholding dessert sends the message that dessert is the best food, which may only increase your child's desire for sweets. You might select one or two nights a week as dessert nights, and skip dessert the rest of the week. Or redefine dessert as fruit, yogurt or other healthy choices.
6. Eat breakfast for dinner. Who says cereal or pancakes are only for breakfast? The distinction between breakfast, lunch and dinner foods may be lost on your child.
7. Expect some food preferences to stick. As kids mature, they tend to become less picky about food. Still, everyone has food preferences. Don't expect your child to like everything.
8. Keep an eye on the clock. Nix juice and snacks for at least one hour before meals. If your child comes to the table hungry, he or she may be more motivated to eat.
9. Keep it separate. If your child isn't a fan of various ingredients thrown together, you might "unmix" the food. Place sandwich fixings outside the bread, or serve the ingredients of a salad, casserole or stir-fry separately.
10. Know when to seek help. If your child is energetic and growing, he or she is probably doing fine. Consult your child's doctor if you're concerned that picky eating is compromising your child's growth and development or if certain foods seem to make your child ill.
11. Leave taste out of it. Talk about a food's color, shape, aroma and texture — not whether it tastes good.
12. Limit liquid calories. Low-fat or fat-free dairy products and 100 percent fruit juice can be important parts of a healthy diet — but if your child fills up on milk or juice, he or she may have no room for meals or snacks.
13. Make it fun. Serve broccoli and other veggies with a favorite dip or sauce. Cut foods into various shapes with cookie cutters.
14. Minimize distractions. Turn off the television during meals, and don't allow books or toys at the table.
15. Recruit your child's help. At the grocery store, ask your child to help you select fruits, vegetables and other healthy foods. Don't buy anything that you don't want your child to eat. At home, encourage your child to help you rinse veggies, stir batter or set the table.
16. Respect your child's hunger — or lack thereof. Young children tend to eat only when they're hungry. If your child isn't hungry, don't force a meal or snack.
17. Set a good example. If you eat a variety of healthy foods, your child is more likely to follow suit.
18. Start small. Offer several foods in small portions. Let your child choose what he or she eats.
19. Stay calm. If your child senses that you're unhappy with his or her eating habits, it may become a battle of wills. Threats and punishments only reinforce the power struggle.
20. Stick to the routine. Serve meals and snacks at about the same times every day. If the kitchen is closed at other times, your child may be more likely to eat what's served for meals and snacks.
Your child's eating habits won't likely change overnight. But the small steps you take each day can help promote a lifetime of healthy eating.
Mark
Online Parent Support
"My 17-year-old daughter has started smoking..."
"Mark, My 17-year-old daughter has started smoking. Any suggestions on what I can do to get her to stop? Thanks, T."
==> JOIN Online Parent Support
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Hi T.,
Young people start smoking for many reasons -- to act older, to be independent, to fit in, to relieve stress, to rebel against adults and sometimes to be like their parents. You should talk with your teen about the dangers of smoking:
Smoking is the leading preventable cause of death in the United States.
Nicotine is an addictive drug found in cigarettes.
Approximately 80 percent of adult smokers started smoking before the age of 18.
Most teens can buy cigarettes even though it is illegal to sell them to minors in all 50 states.
Spit tobacco (chew) is not a safe alternative to smoking. Regular use of spit tobacco can cause cancer of the cheek, gums, tongue, and throat.
Tips for Parents-
- Show concern. Don't wait for your teen to smoke before you talk about tobacco use. Many kids begin trying cigarettes at 11 or 12 years of age.
- Establish rules. Talk about family expectations and rules about smoking. Clearly state and enforce the consequences for breaking the rules.
- Know the facts. Talk with your teen about the dangers of smoking. Teens often don't relate to the future health problems caused by smoking, such as lung cancer and heart disease. Try talking about the dangers of smoking in a way that hits home with your teen. Use a relative or close friend who is sick with or died of a smoking-related illness as an example.
- Let your teen know that smoking stains teeth and causes bad breath, yellow fingers, smelly hair and clothing, and premature wrinkles. Smokers also have less athletic endurance.
- Challenge the ads. Talk about the ways that tobacco companies try to get young people to buy their products. Tobacco ads that create images of glamour, fitness, fun, and success mislead some teens to think that they can improve their self-image by smoking.
- Get to know your teen's friends. Know where they hang out and what they are doing.
- Be honest. Do you smoke or are you an ex-smoker? You can still express concern over your teen starting the habit. Talk about how hard it is to quit. Share your experiences.
- If you smoke, try to quit. If you smoke, your teen is more likely to become a smoker. Also, research shows that secondhand smoke (smoke that comes from the end of a cigarette or that is exhaled) is dangerous to nonsmokers because it increases their risk of lung cancer. Ask your doctor or other health care provider to help you quit smoking or call the national agencies listed below for information.
- Support community efforts to work against tobacco ads that target young people and to enforce laws that prevent the sale of tobacco to minors. For information on anti-tobacco efforts in your community, contact the agencies listed below.
Mark Hutten, M.A.
==> JOIN Online Parent Support
Adult Aspergers
Mark-
Have you heard of adults having Aspergers. My son has been diagnosed, and it seems that I have some of the same problems.
Concerned father,
J.
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Hi J.,
As more and more doctors and society in general understands more about Aspergers syndrome, the condition is being diagnosed in adults as well as children.
Sometimes the diagnosis doesn’t come out in adults until their own child is diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder.
Typical symptoms associated with Aspergers syndrome in adults include having an average or above average intelligence, having difficulty thinking abstractly, showing difficulty empathizing with others, having poor conversational ability, and having difficulty controlling their feelings.
They also tend to adhere strongly to routines and schedules, show some inappropriate social behaviors and tend to specialize in specific fields or hobbies.
Adults with Aspergers syndrome often cannot clearly understand the emotions of others.
They may miss the subtleties of facial expression, eye contact and body language.
Like children with Aspergers syndrome, these adults are often seen as odd.
In addition, more males than females are affected with adult Aspergers syndrome.
In years past, such people muddled along in society, sometimes on the fringes and others were diagnosed with different types of mental illnesses.
Now that Aspergers syndrome has been brought into the public light by cases of people who either have succeeded despite Aspergers syndrome or committed crimes as a result of having previously undiagnosed Aspergers syndrome, more adults are being picked up and treated for the condition.
Often these aren’t adults specifically asking for help for suspected Aspergers syndrome but rather have depression, issues around self esteem or other mood issues that bring them to doctors or therapists that are now making the correct underlying diagnosis.
By finding the correct underlying diagnosis, more help can become available even to those who’ve likely had the diagnosis their entire lives but were unnoticed or labeled something else.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Have you heard of adults having Aspergers. My son has been diagnosed, and it seems that I have some of the same problems.
Concerned father,
J.
`````````````````
Hi J.,
As more and more doctors and society in general understands more about Aspergers syndrome, the condition is being diagnosed in adults as well as children.
Sometimes the diagnosis doesn’t come out in adults until their own child is diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder.
Typical symptoms associated with Aspergers syndrome in adults include having an average or above average intelligence, having difficulty thinking abstractly, showing difficulty empathizing with others, having poor conversational ability, and having difficulty controlling their feelings.
They also tend to adhere strongly to routines and schedules, show some inappropriate social behaviors and tend to specialize in specific fields or hobbies.
Adults with Aspergers syndrome often cannot clearly understand the emotions of others.
They may miss the subtleties of facial expression, eye contact and body language.
Like children with Aspergers syndrome, these adults are often seen as odd.
In addition, more males than females are affected with adult Aspergers syndrome.
In years past, such people muddled along in society, sometimes on the fringes and others were diagnosed with different types of mental illnesses.
Now that Aspergers syndrome has been brought into the public light by cases of people who either have succeeded despite Aspergers syndrome or committed crimes as a result of having previously undiagnosed Aspergers syndrome, more adults are being picked up and treated for the condition.
Often these aren’t adults specifically asking for help for suspected Aspergers syndrome but rather have depression, issues around self esteem or other mood issues that bring them to doctors or therapists that are now making the correct underlying diagnosis.
By finding the correct underlying diagnosis, more help can become available even to those who’ve likely had the diagnosis their entire lives but were unnoticed or labeled something else.
Mark
Online Parent Support
His behavior at Junior High seems to be getting worse...
Dear Mark............many thanks for the My Out-of-Control Child download and information on Teen Incentive Contracts. My wife, teen son, and I are making progress and are beginning to see improved changes in all of us. This information has answered many of the "yes, but how" questions that we have had.
Our son's behavior is improving at home but his behavior at Junior High seems to be getting worse -- e.g. more tardies, talking back to teachers, not studying during advisory period, etc. The consequence for these incidents is generally an after-school detention. Please advise if there should be a natural consequence at home as well considering that my wife or I must then pick up our son because he can't take the bus home?
Many thanks...............J.
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Hi J.,
You've mentioned 2 issues:
==> behavior problems at school
==> his behavior then is an inconvenience for you
Re: after-school detention. This is his consequence. I wouldn't add another on top of it
Re: providing transportation. Since his lack of responsibility costs you money (i.e., gas) and time, I would tell him that he will be charged a taxi service fee of, say $3.00, in the event he misses the bus and you have to go get him. This $3.00 can be deducted from his allowance, or he can perform some work at home to earn the $3.00, which must be paid back to you.
Sound silly? It works! This sends a very clear message to your son that his negative behavior affects him directly.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Our son's behavior is improving at home but his behavior at Junior High seems to be getting worse -- e.g. more tardies, talking back to teachers, not studying during advisory period, etc. The consequence for these incidents is generally an after-school detention. Please advise if there should be a natural consequence at home as well considering that my wife or I must then pick up our son because he can't take the bus home?
Many thanks...............J.
`````````````````````
Hi J.,
You've mentioned 2 issues:
==> behavior problems at school
==> his behavior then is an inconvenience for you
Re: after-school detention. This is his consequence. I wouldn't add another on top of it
Re: providing transportation. Since his lack of responsibility costs you money (i.e., gas) and time, I would tell him that he will be charged a taxi service fee of, say $3.00, in the event he misses the bus and you have to go get him. This $3.00 can be deducted from his allowance, or he can perform some work at home to earn the $3.00, which must be paid back to you.
Sound silly? It works! This sends a very clear message to your son that his negative behavior affects him directly.
Mark
Online Parent Support
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