Transcript from "Mothers Only" Group: Q & A

Why shouldn't I use physical punishment?

Mothers may choose to use physical punishment (such as spanking) to stop undesirable behavior. The biggest drawback to this method is that although the punishment stops the bad behavior for a while, it doesn't teach your kid to change his or her behavior. Disciplining your kid is really just teaching him or her to choose good behaviors. If your kid doesn't know a good behavior, he or she is likely to return to the bad behavior. Physical punishment becomes less effective with time and can cause the kid to behave aggressively. It can also be carried too far -- into kid abuse. Other methods of punishment are preferred and should be used whenever possible.

What else can I do to help my kid behave well?

Make a short list of important rules and go over them with your kid. Avoid power struggles, no-win situations and extremes. When you think you've overreacted, it's better to use common sense to solve the problem, even if you have to be inconsistent with your reward or punishment method. Avoid doing this often as it may confuse your kid. Accept your kid's basic personality, whether it's shy, social, talkative or active. Basic personality can be changed a little, but not very much. Try to avoid situations that can make your kid cranky, such as becoming overly stimulated, tired or bored. Don't criticize your kid in front of other people. Describe your kid's behavior as bad, but don't label your kid as bad. Praise your kid often when he or she deserves it. Touch him or her affectionately and often. Kids want and need attention from their mothers. Develop little routines and rituals, especially at bedtimes and meal times. Provide transition remarks (such as "In 5 minutes, we'll be eating dinner."). Allow your kid choices whenever possible. For example, you can ask, "Do you want to wear your red pajamas or your blue pajamas to bed tonight?" As kids get older, they may enjoy becoming involved in household rule making. Don't debate the rules at the time of misbehavior, but invite your kid to participate in rule making at another time. Kids who learn that bad behavior is not tolerated and that good behavior is rewarded are learning skills that will last them a lifetime.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

What are some good ways to reward my kid?

The Good Behavior Game (good for teaching a new behavior)— Write a short list of good behaviors on a chart and mark the chart with a star each time you see the good behavior. After your kid has earned a small number of stars (depending on the kid's age), give him or her a reward.

Good Marks/Bad Marks (best method for difficult, highly active kids)— In a short time (about an hour) put a mark on a chart or on your kid's hand each time you see him or her performing a good behavior. For example, if you see your kid playing quietly, solving a problem without fighting, picking up toys or reading a book, you would mark the chart. After a certain number of marks, give your kid a reward. You can also make negative marks each time a bad behavior occurs. If you do this, only give your kid a reward if there are more positive marks than negative marks.

Developing Quiet Time (often useful when you're making supper)— Ask your kid to play quietly alone or with a sibling for a short time (maybe 30 minutes). Check on your kid frequently (every 2 to 5 minutes, depending on the kid's age) and give a reward or a token for each few minutes they were quiet or playing well. Gradually increase the intervals (go from checking your kid's behavior every 2 to 5 minutes to checking every 30 minutes), but continue to give rewards for each time period your kid was quiet or played well.

Beat the Clock (good method for a dawdling kid)— Ask the kid to do a task. Set a timer. If the task is done before the timer rings, your kid gets a reward. To decide the amount of time to give the kid, figure out your kid's "best time" to do that task and add 5 minutes.

How do I encourage a new, desired behavior?

One way to encourage good behavior is to use a reward system. This works best in kids over 2 years of age. It can take up to 2 months to work. Being patient and keeping a diary of behavior can be helpful to mothers. Choose 1 to 2 behaviors you would like to change (such as bedtime habits, tooth brushing or picking up toys). Choose a reward your kid would enjoy. Examples of good rewards are an extra bedtime story, delaying bedtime by half an hour, a preferred snack or, for older kids, earning points toward a special toy, a privilege or a small amount of money. Explain the desired behavior and the reward to the kid. For example, "If you get into your pajamas and brush your teeth before this TV show is over, you can stay up a half hour later." Request the behavior only one time. If the kid does what you ask, give the reward. You can help the kid if necessary but don't get too involved. Because any attention from mothers, even negative attention, is so rewarding to kids, they may prefer to have parental attention instead of a reward at first. Transition statements, such as, "In 5 minutes, play time will be over," are helpful when you are teaching your kid new behaviors. This system helps you avoid power struggles with your kid. However, your kid is not punished if he or she chooses not to behave as you ask; he or she simply does not get the reward.

How do I use the time-out method?

Decide ahead of time the behaviors that will result in a time-out--usually tantrums, or aggressive or dangerous behavior. Choose a time-out place that is uninteresting for the kid and not frightening, such as a chair, corner or playpen. When you're away from home, consider using a car or a nearby seating area as a time-out place. When the unacceptable behavior occurs, tell the kid the behavior is unacceptable and give a warning that you will put him or her in time-out if the behavior doesn't stop. Remain calm and don't look angry. If your kid goes on misbehaving, calmly take him or her to the time-out area. If possible, keep track of how long your kid's been in time-out. Set a timer so your kid will know when time-out is over. Time-out should be brief--generally 1 minute for each year of age--and should begin immediately after reaching the time-out place or after the kid calms down. You should stay within sight or earshot of the kid, but don't talk to him or her. If the kid leaves the time-out area, gently return him or her to the area and consider resetting the timer. When the time-out is over, let the kid leave the time-out place. Don't discuss the bad behavior, but look for ways to reward and reinforce good behavior later on.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

How do I stop misbehavior?

The best way to stop unwanted behavior is to ignore it. This way works best over a period of time. When you want the behavior to stop immediately, you can use the time-out method.

What can I do to change my kid's behavior?

Kids tend to continue a behavior when it is rewarded and stop a behavior when it is ignored. Consistency in your reaction to a behavior is important because rewarding and punishing the same behavior at different times confuses your kid. When your kid's behavior is a problem, you have 3 choices:

• Attempt to stop the behavior, either by ignoring it or by punishing it.
• Decide that the behavior is not a problem because it's appropriate to the kid's age and stage of development.
• Introduce a new behavior that you prefer and reinforce it by rewarding your kid.

What is normal behavior for a kid?

Normal behavior in kids depends on the kid's age, personality, and physical and emotional development. A kid's behavior may be a problem if it doesn't match the expectations of the family or if it is disruptive. Normal or "good" behavior is usually determined by whether it's socially, culturally and developmentally appropriate. Knowing what to expect from your kid at each age will help you decide whether his or her behavior is normal.

Who can I ask when I need help raising my kid?

There are many ways to get good parenting advice. Sign up for parenting classes offered by hospitals, community centers or schools. Read parenting books or magazines. Talk to your family doctor, a minister, a priest or a counselor. You can also ask your family doctor for parenting help. Don't be embarrassed to ask. Raising kids is hard, and no one can do it alone. Your doctor can help you with issues like discipline, potty training, eating problems and bedtime. Your doctor can also help you find local groups that can help you learn better parenting skills.

How can I be a good parent?

There's not just one right way to raise kids. And there's no such thing as a perfect parent--or a perfect kid. But here are some guidelines to help your kids grow up healthy and happy:

• Be consistent. Your rules don't have to be the same ones other mothers have, but they do need to be clear and consistent. (Consistent means the rules are the same all the time.) If two mothers are raising a kid, both need to use the same rules. Also, make sure baby sitters and relatives know, and follow, your family rules.
• Criticize the behavior, not the kid. When your kid makes a mistake, don't say, "You were bad." Instead, explain what the kid did wrong. For example, say: "Running into the street without looking isn't safe." Then tell the kid what to do instead: "First, look both ways for cars."
• Listen when your kids talk. Listening to your kids tells them that you think they're important and that you're interested in what they have to say.
• Make your kids feel safe. Comfort them when they're scared. Show them you've taken steps to protect them.
• Praise your kids. When your kids learn something new or behave well, tell them you're proud of them.
• Provide order in their lives. Keep a regular schedule of meals, naps and bedtimes. If you have to change the schedule, tell them about the changes ahead of time.
• Show your love. Every day, tell your kids: "I love you. You're special to me." Give lots of hugs and kisses.
• Spend time with your kids. Do things together, like reading, walking, playing and cleaning house. What kids want most is your attention. Bad behavior is usually their way of getting your attention.

Is it OK to spank my kid?

Spanking isn't the best way to discipline kids. The goal of discipline is to teach kids self-control. Spanking just teaches kids to stop doing something out of fear. There are better ways to discipline kids. One good way for infants and toddlers is called "redirecting." When you redirect a kid, you replace an unwanted (bad) behavior with an acceptable (good) behavior. For example, if throwing a ball inside the house isn't allowed, take your kid outside to throw the ball. With older kids, try to get them to see the consequences of their actions and to take responsibility for them. For example, you can explain to your son that everyone had to wait for dinner because he didn't set the table when he was supposed to. Explain that he has to wash the dishes after dinner because he didn't set the table before dinner.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

I sometimes lose my temper. Does that mean I'm a bad parent?

No. Many mothers lose their temper with their kids. It's OK to feel angry, but it's not OK to take it out on your kids. When you're really angry, take a break. For example, take your kids for a walk or call a friend to come help you. If you feel angry with your kid almost every day or have trouble controlling your temper, get some help. You might talk to your family doctor. There are groups that can help mothers, too. One group is listed on the right side of this page.

What can I do when I feel frustrated?

Take a break. Everyone needs a break from being a parent once in a while. If you have another adult in your family, take turns getting away. For example, have your partner stay with the kids so you can visit friends. Take turns sleeping late on the weekends. If you're a single parent, ask friends and relatives to help by running some errands for you. Maybe they could watch your kid while you go out.

I get so frustrated sometimes. Is this normal?

Yes. All mothers get frustrated. Kids take a lot of time and energy. Parenting is even harder when you have problems in your life, such as worries about your job, your bills or your relationships, or problems with alcohol or drugs. To be a good parent, you have to take care of yourself. That means getting help for your problems.

I love my kids, but being a parent can be so hard!

Being a parent can be a joy, but it's also a tough job. No parent is perfect. We all make mistakes. Even loving mothers sometimes do things they don't mean to do, like yell at a kid or call a kid a bad name. But if you think you're having trouble controlling yourself, get help so a pattern of abuse doesn't start. 

 

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

 

-------------------------------

MORE ARTICLES:

One day you wake up and find that life has changed forever. Instead of greeting you with a hug, your little boy rolls his eyes when you say "good morning" and shouts, "You're ruining my life!" You may think you've stepped into the Twilight Zone, but you've actually been thrust into your son's teen years.

During adolescence, teens start to break away from parents and become "their own person." Some talk back, ignore rules and slack off at school. Others may sneak out or break curfew. Still others experiment with alcohol, tobacco or drugs. So how can you tell the difference between normal teen rebellion versus dangerous behavior? And what's the best way for a parent to respond?

Click here for full article...

------------------------------

Many families of defiant children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected. After all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems.

Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?

Click here for the full article...

 --------------------

The standard disciplinary techniques that are recommended for “typical” teenagers do not take into account the many issues facing teens with serious behavioral problems. Disrespect, anger, violent rages, self-injury, running away from home, school failure, hanging-out with the wrong crowd, drug abuse, theft, and legal problems are just some of the behaviors that parents of defiant teens will have to learn to control.

Click here for the full article...

How do I deal with this...

Mark,

Regarding your reply about lying and issuing a consequence. In talking to J on the phone he still insists to us that he wasn't stoned the time he got his "disciplinary bounce", however, he admitted it to the staff at the group home during an interview with them yesterday. He said to me that he admitted it to them even though it wasn't that time, but to me he admitted it was another time. Now, I'm not sure whether he's lying or actually telling the truth (my gut says he's lying to me), and he asked me "you don't believe me?" I said to him that he's lied so much in the past, that I find it difficult to believe him. How do I deal with this even though he's not at home or in our custody and how do I consequence him?

We are going to see him for a 2 hour visit this weekend and plan on telling him about our plan and being honest.

`````````````````

Hi E.,

Re: How do I deal with this...

I would drop it. You told him what he needed to hear (i.e., that he's lied so much in the past, that you find it difficult to believe him). He's going to have to earn your trust back, and that comes in the form of being caught telling the truth over the course of the next several months - if not years.

Re: consequence...

He's already received a natural consequence via the "disciplinary bounce." He doesn't need - nor should he get - another one.

Mark

Online Parent Support

She has had sex at age 12, started smoking, drinking and trying out drugs from that age, continually truanting school...

Dear Mark

I am writing after firstly downloading and reading your article on 'Out of Control Teenagers' and wished I'd had this manual a few years ago.

I have a fifteen year old daughter 'L___' and a ten year old boy 'C___'.

Since L___ reached the age of 12 and onwards I have had an uphill daily struggle and battle within our home. She has pushed the boundaries full scale and more.

In brief, she has had sex at age 12, started smoking, drinking and trying out drugs from that age, continually truanting school, arguing and walking out of class and school, to the point of near exclusion from that school, running away from home, threatening suicide and cutting herself (due to mixing within a cult of what we calls 'Emo's' who seem to be into all this and self harm).

From this, I decided to (before she was expelled) moved her to an all girls grammar school (just starting into Year 9 and because her grades being an A and A* student at this point, secured her a place and fresh start). L___ did not really settle due to leaving friends behind but did go for the first 6 months with no truancy.

However, I then decided to move house so that we would be closer to her school and where I worked, to an area which probably was not ideal to the situation and L___ started once again truanting and running away.

Her behaviour escallated to a point where if I tried to stop her from running away or leaving the house, she would just start to smash things up until I opened the door and let her go.

The police have been involved over the last 3 years, social services have been involved (a pointless exercise), harbour drugs people, I have tried to have her attend councilling to which she refuses to attend. L___ has been under the Youth Offending Team here for four months, after I pressed charges for the third time in relation to her smashing up the home and assault on myself and her brother.

I am at present in the process of being taken to court for not getting my Daughter to school, as the law here puts all responsibility onto the parent in getting your children to school or a fine could be implemented, as could a stint in jail. The Education Officer is aware of how hard I have tried to get L___ to go to school and does not particularly want to take me but has to his job.

My daughter constantly answers me back, calls me verbally abusive names, has told me even recently that if she had a knife she would kill me, as she hates living with me and wishes I would kick her out. Then in the space of a few hours could be trying to sit next to me on the sofa expecting me to give her a cuddle (but purely to get around me for some thing or other).

I have tried the ignoring techniques, taking away of valuable items including phone, i pod, and with holding of any money. None of it has really worked.

She has fallen so far behind with her studies, she is now at a C Grade or ungraded, and it makes my heart ache to think she has the ability but can not seem to apply it.

Would rather just sleep in late, hang around, not help around the house, but expects money to be forthcoming etc.

I am a single parent and have brought them up single handedly since L___ was 5 and C___ 18 months, with little/no help from there dad who is only in the country on approx 2 to 3 weeks a year. He is financially supportive, but no help really on the discipline matters.

Everybody from friends to family, authorities and even her own friends have said they can not understand why she is like she is and that she has a fantastic mother.

I begin to wonder.

I am trying to go by your manual, to see if there is anything there I have not tried and tested already. One thing is for sure, when she is sixteen, I am entitled then to throw her out, not something I wish to do, but if it will teach her a hard lesson, then that is what I will have to do.

Any further help would be appreciated

This is only some of what I have had to go through, and probably a bit all over the place. Sorry had to crack it into half hour lunch break.


N.

``````````````````

Hi N.,

Re: I have tried the ignoring techniques, taking away of valuable items including phone, i pod, and with holding of any money. None of it has really worked. … I am trying to go by your manual, to see if there is anything there I have not tried and tested already.

I think the best help I can be to you at this time is to provide you with a checklist of sorts.

Let's trouble shoot...

Below is a summary of all the assignments I gave you in the eBook. If parents do not implement most of these assignments, it is often the "kiss of failure." For example, the transmission in your car has hundreds of parts, but if just one little tiny part is not working -- the whole transmission does not work. The same is true with this "parent program." Omit just one strategy, and the whole plan runs the risk of failing.

1. Are you asking your daughter at least one question each day that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or a "no" to demonstrate that you are interested in what is going on in her life?

2. Are you saying to her "I love you" everyday and expecting nothing in return?

3. Are you eating dinner together at least one evening each week -- either at home or out?

4. Do you use "The Art of Saying Yes" whenever your answer is yes?

5. Do you use "The Art of Saying No" whenever your answer is no?

6. Do you catch her in the act of doing something right at least once each day?

7. Do you use the "When You Want Something From Your Kid" approach as needed?

8. Do you give her at least one chore each day?

9. Do you find something fun to do with her each week?

10. Do you use the "I noticed ...I felt ...Listen" approach when something unexpected pops-up?

11. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, are you asking yourself the following question: "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my daughter, or will this inhibit the development of self-reliance?" If it is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don't!

12. Is she EARNING ALL of her stuff and freedom? (see "Self-Reliance Cycle")?

13. Have you watched ALL the videos in the Online Version of the eBook?

14. Are you putting on your best poker face when “things are going wrong?”

15. And perhaps most importantly, are you doing things to take care of your mental and physical health?

If you answered "no" to any of the above, you are missing some important pieces to the puzzle. Most parents DO miss a few pieces initially -- you can't be expected to remember everything! But don't get frustrated and give up. We must be willing to hang in there for the long haul.

I'm talking about refinement here. Refinement is a necessary tool to use in order to truly be successful with these parenting strategies.

HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Parents who refine are, on average, 95% - 100% successful at getting the parent-child difficulties reduced in intensity and severity (i.e., the problems are easily managed).

The same can be true in your case. Continue to refine by emailing me as needed over the next few months. Refinement is a process, not a one-time event.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Are You Making a Bad Problem Worse?!

Hi Mark,

First, thanks for your great ebook and website. I realise I had been very unclear as a parent and started on the assignments with a sense of relief. Things did get worse before they got better but I am very pleased that I did not lose my cool or get drawn into arguments and we started to settle down and my 11 year old son S__ said that he felt so much better because he knew where he stood.

But our new-found calm was shattered by something that happened at school. A boy accused my son of something that he did not do and said that he was going to fight him. S__ alerted a member of staff but they didn't act in time and S__ got beaten up. Since then he has not been back to school.

The school has been apologetic and admits that they let S__ down by not acting quickly enough. They have offered various strategies to try and settle him back into school but he is hysterical at the thought of going back.

As I want S__ to be happy and to feel he has some choice in the matter, this is what I am doing. (we live in the UK, by the way.) The Education Welfare Officer has been to see us and has suggested two other schools that might be better for S__, so we are going to see these schools. She has also put me in touch with a network of people who educate their children at home so I can see what's involved. This is my least favourite option as I am a freelance writer/editor and I work from home, so I'm quite worried about combining the two things. But home education is S__'s favourite option. I am also going back to talk to his original school, though S__ is refusing to come with me.

We are coming up to school holidays so there will be a bit of breathing space, but I am just very worried about S__ because he seems so depressed. Every bit of confidence has been knocked out of him. He won't go outside the house in case anyone asks him why he isn't at school or looks at him oddly. He is so unhappy. I too am unhappy and depressed and can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning. We are both completely demotivated.

I did try taking him bowling to cheer him up, but it didn't work as he seemed to have lost the knack and felt even worse about himself. I need to find some ideas to boost his confidence. He has stopped looking after his pets, which is putting a real strain on me. The only thing we are managing to do every day is walk the dog.

I have a daughter who is 14 and happy at school but I feel bad that I'm not giving her enough attention.

The children's father died three and a half years ago.

S__ and I do talk, but he tends to speak in sweeping generalisations so that there's nothing I can focus on to help with, eg 'my life is over' 'my life is ruined' 'I'll never be the S__e again'.

I have found a counsellor who he will speak to and he has seen her twice, but because these are confidential sessions I don't really know what's happening - although I do know she will be talking to him about his education next week.

Click here for my response...

How is it going to work?

Hi Mr. Hutten,

This is Patty and I just purchased your e-book on out of control teens. I have some questions. For online presentations and support do I just go to the website? Do I need a password? How is it going to work? Do I automatically have access? I am confused.

Please let me know thank you.

Patty

`````````````````````````

Hi Patty,

For Online Presentations, go to the Online Version of the eBook.

Re: support. There are 3 ways to get support—

1) You can go to the website and type a question in the chat room. If you have questions about medication, direct your question to David McLaughlin, MD. If you have questions about a specific child or adolescent mental disorder, direct your question to Julie Kennedy, Ph.D. Direct all other questions to me. We usually return your chat messages within 24 hours.

2) You can go to the website and type your question in the text box where it reads Post to Online Parent Support Blog. Here you will get feedback from other parents going through much of the same parent-child problems as you.

3) You can email me.

You do not need a password. Just go to the Online Version of the eBook. You'll land on the Contents page. Start with "Introduction."

If you have any other questions, don't hesitate to email me.

Mark

Online Parent Support

I heard two thuds in the house...

Have recently signed up and have been reading and trying to implement some of your ideas. Today was not a good day at all. My son has a fixation on the xbox system and spending money to enhance his game supply. Today while trying to visit my mother who is in the hospital, and taking my father along, (both in their 80's). L originally said he would go for the visit, now refused to go because he did not get his way of wanting me to spend money on a second TV to enhance his X box lan system to show off to his friends what he has. After I said no, and left to pick up my father, outside, I heard two thuds in the house, I've heard these before and knew that he had just busted either the thermostat or the phone off the wall, it was the phone. He denied doing it on purpose… he said he fell going back to his room, tripping on his pj's.

My brother has been trying to see my side of the story for many years as most of the family on both sides say that we have not raised him right. My brother has now seen the light but I still feel he thinks that we are at fault for his disorder. Diagnosis ADHD, ODD, BIPOLAR AND PDD.

Meds have not helped at all although we keep trying to find something to mellow his anger, we are never right and he IS always right, we know nothing, he knows everything. After this episode and talking with my brother as well as L talking to my brother there was no remorse for his behavior or even any thoughts that I missed seeing my mother at the hospital, L’s thoughts of not getting his way took priority over my mother and father. When we brought this up to him he started to feel bad but the TV came right back up to the forefront of the conversation. This lasted for about two hours.

The family consists of me the father, my wife, daughter 16 and L 19, 20 in November. Daughter is an A student and says to get rid of him. I feel that she as lost so much because we have had to put so much time into his bad behavior, wants and needs. It turns my stomach to take him to the hospital as a 302, but every one says I should not have to put up with this type of behavior any more, and let him go residential.

I have been a staunch advocate for L, knowing there is a good side, but 95% of the time I'm running myself ragged and having to put up with his behavior problems that our family life is going to hell.

I'm going to continue to read but ------

Thoughts from you would be helpful.

L.

`````````````````````

Hi L.,

This sounds like all the other stories I hear. You are not alone. In fact, you would shocked to know just how many other parents are going through the same nightmare.

I think the best advice I can give you today is to simply continue to work the program – one week at a time. According to your invoice, you should be digesting Session #2 this week and preparing to implement Session #2 assignments.

Once you get through the four-week program, please email me again with some specific questions.

Thanks,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have hope for the first time in a long time...

Well, D has expressed a desire to go back to his aunt's. He has also done some crying. (That is a good thing) I believe that you can release emotions through anger, and crying. So, he has calmed down some. He is still determined to get back to L's. I explained that he has to finish out his school, and that we have to mend as a family unit. I gave him a small goal of visiting again this weekend. I gave him something to hold onto. I don't want to see him blow his brains out.

I am working on a chore list for all of us. He came upstairs and laid down on my bed and talked to me. I am worried about him struggling with depression. This is not the first time that he has been depressed. Depression also runs in my family, that is why I am calling his pediatrician tomorrow for some direction in that area.

I have hope for the first time in a long time. I have some bumps to deal with along the way, but for the most part, I think we are on the right track.

I know I mentioned military school, but his goal is to become a marine. So, it's not a punishment as it may appear. That is so you can understand where that came from.

Thanks again.

C.

My Out-of-Control Teen

````````````````````````````````````````````

Today has been a much milder day. That is after we had to insist that he go to school. He was pleasant, we remind him that we love him, and that everything is going to work out. Romans 8:28 We know in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, according to His purpose.

Tonight I am handing out household chore list. Putting the past in the past, and looking toward the future. Thanks again

C.

J was moved from the Young Offenders Centre to a group home...

Hi Mark,

Thanks for returning my e-mail.

Regarding my previous e-mail about my son going off his medications, he is taking .5 mg risperidone in the morning and 2 mg at bedtime. A well he takes 2 mg of Adderall in the morning. If he still wants to go off of it, would this be a good idea. He said when he comes home he would like to try taking a natural supplement, called "Empower Plus" by Truehope. I'm not sure he has the responsibility yet to work with their counsellors online to do this. I know of this product from two other people who have OCD and bipolar and it has helped them immensely.

I've done the first assignment at this point. To give a little background for this question, J was moved from the Young Offenders Centre to a group home which is still part of the Young Offenders to complete his sentence until May 30. On Saturday we received a call from the group home stating that J was returned to the Young Offenders Centre on a disciplinary bounce for up to 15 days for smoking a marijuana joint while he was out on his 15 minute walk. They told me his eyes were glassy and bloodshot and his hoodie smelled strongly of mariuana. Of course, he denied it and made a big fuss...got angry, cried, denied, you have no proof. He was given the choice of them escorting him or the police and he agreed to have them escort him. He called us last night, and still denied that this happened, but that in fact he had bought a joint and had smoked it before but not that time. I said to him, consider you made a mistake and you slipped, learn from it and if you get to go back think about how you would do it differently. He said he definitely wants to go back to AADAC and see a counsellor to help prevent him from slipping. The thing that bugs me, he still isn't taking responsibility for his choice and lying about it. I have no reason to believe that the workers at the group home would lie. He's telling only a half truth. I also told him that it doesn't matter if it was this time or another time the responsibility for your decision is yours. I got the "ya but". How is the best way to handle his lie and encourage him to tell the truth. He seems to have a warped perception of circumstances and not only this time. He says things that he feels others want to hear, but I'm not sure he really wants to follow through (that's by his actions)

Also, now that I have started the assignments, I'm trying to use some of the tools and saying things differently. Should I tell him that I'm changing things (some of your suggestions is what we had already tried) now while he's not at home. When he is at the group home, if he's earned it he can go out on a pass with us. He told me on the phone last week that he found it difficult to talk to me because I was acting wierd. I find our situation a little different because he's not at home right now.

The group home staff have suggested to us last week that maybe J won't be ready to come home on May 30 to serve his community supervison at home and we need to have a discussion about that with him. (the judge ordered that children services be involved and find a home for him once his custody is finished). The reason for this is his not willing to follow their rules around the smoking and our rules. He can have permission from us and we've continuously said no. I get the I'm really stressed and smoking is a way to cope and you won't give me that. Its and addiction and I don't understand that. This has been a battle (on the phone) sometimes with him hanging up. I keep telling him the answer is still "no". What I’ve said to J is maybe you won't be ready to come home. He has stated a few times he's coming home on May 30 and I'll say maybe you won't be ready. I'm struggling with this because we do love him, however we cannot not live like we were again. I haven't gone into any detail with him. I find it difficult to express myself with him on this as I don't want him to feel we don't want him.

Thanks for you help.

E.

`````````````````

Hi E.,

Re: How is the best way to handle his lie and encourage him to tell the truth?

Don’t “encourage,” simply issue a consequence whenever he’s caught in a lie.

Re: Should I tell him that I'm changing things (some of your suggestions is what we had already tried) now while he's not at home?

Yes.

Re: I haven't gone into any detail with him. I find it difficult to express myself with him on this as I don't want him to feel we don't want him.

You’re attempting to save him from uncomfortable emotions associated with his poor choices. This is a form of over-indulgence.

I don’t think it’s fair to keep him in the dark. Put it out on the table and be totally honest with him about what’s going on, and preface your “details” by telling him that he is loved unconditionally regardless of how he behaves -- now and forever.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Stepmom Problems

Mark, I have recently found and joined your OPS. I have a 15 yo son that came to live with me when he was 12. His mother is best described as an overindulgent parent. He was also exposed to her habit of distorting the truth to suit her needs. He learned and has told me that no matter whether wrong or right she always gets what she wants. She will go months without calling him. My son will not open up to anyone. He seems to have the traits of a "scapegoat and a lost child". He has approximately 15 of the 20 traits from your Indulgent parent quiz. I am more in line with an authoritarian parent. Needless to say i have made a multitude of mistakes as a parent. I am also a 13-year police officer with a 50/50 mix between patrol and specialized units.

That said the current problem is that my wife (his step mom) and my son have a very contentious and volatile relationship. Saturday while I was asleep my wife got onto my son about something and he announced that he was leaving. She grabbed his bag and told him that he was not taking the items that he had packed. He shoved her and either kicked her in the leg or stepped on her leg.

My wife woke me telling me that he was leaving and that I needed to get a hold of him and that he had pushed her. My immediate response was to try to calm everyone and get the story of what had happened. Instead it was a lot of "I hate her, all she does is ...".and "I'm tired of his crap all he does is cause problems...."

Things got calmed down and I was able to get some of the frustrations lined out. I spent the day trying to come up with a discipline for him later that evening my wife suggested grounding him to his room w/out tv, ipod, cell, etc..

Now she is upset and resents me because she feels that I did not stand up for her by either pushing/attacking him or whipping him. The more she thinks about it and talks to relatives and friends, the more frustrated she gets. I feel that the physical discipline would give him the "reward" that he seeks. I have no problem with corporal punishment, however he seems to genuinely appreciate it. My wife has commented numerous times over the years that she doesn't understand how he acts perfectly normal, even happy after getting a whipping. But now she is upset that I didn’t mete out some type of corporal punishment to him even after the fact, yesterday or today. I feel almost helpless, nothing I have tried has worked and I can't convince my wife that we are doing the right thing now. I know there is a small window to get him turned around and I am afraid of losing another chance.

Click here for my response...

We're expecting a battle...

Hi Mark,

We're expecting a battle on our hands as the 3-day grounding has just been imposed. My daughter scoffed when she was told last night, even though we had already warned her that if she chose the behaviour, she chose the consequence. How long do we keep starting it from day 1 if she refuses to see the 3 days through?

At 4 o'clock this morning I woke up to some noise and found that she had taken one of the computer monitors from the study room (we have 2 which my husband needs for his work) and was trying to fix up an old CPU so that she could set it up in her bedroom. We have always made it clear to the kids that no computers will be allowed in bedrooms. I told her that I expected her to put everything back the way she had found it. It was still in her bedroom this morning before I left for work and she was asleep so I left her a note.

Should we just stick to the 3-day grounding for the initial reason or impose additional restrictions for this new situation?

J.

````````````````

Hi J.,

Re: Should we just stick to the 3-day grounding for the initial reason...?

Yes, absolutely!

There are several important factors to consider when implementing the 3-day discipline. These factors are outlined on the page entitled The Art of Saying ‘Yes’ and The Art of Saying ‘No’ where you see Points To Keep In Mind [online version of the eBook].

Also, be sure to read the answer to How Do You Eat An Elephant?

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

He has tried everything in the book...

Hi Mark,

Wondering if you can advise me if what is happening in our house is in the realm of normal with the out of control teen.

We are into the 3rd week and are using the anger control etc. He was grounded last week and came off it on Sunday. Monday morning arrived and by 8.00am he was grounded again for refusing to get in the car to go to school with other contributing factors as well. He was furious! This afternoon he has been highly defiant, the annoying he loves to do towards us has intensified with threats to go along with it. I guess he feels he is not winning and is pulling out all the stops. My husband and I have remained calm throughout!! - amazing -when we are tried to our limits and beyond! He has remarked that the grounding is too harsh, etc etc.

He has tried everything in the book and now refuses to do his homework. I told him that was fine it was up to him if he wanted to fail. He said he can't see why we are treating him like this. I replied that it is his choice if he wants to be grounded - he can decide when he doesn't want to be grounded any more. Is there anything I should be doing differently or are we on the right track.

Thanks for your help (HELP!) From a desperate mother!

J.

`````````````````````````````

Hi J.,

I think you are greatly on track. I’m not sure how long he was grounded last week – or this most recent time.

Just bear in mind that we want to start with the least restrictive consequence first. For example, grounding for one evening with no iPod. If he refuses to accept the least restrictive consequence, then you boost the consequence to 3 days with NO privileges.

Don’t pull out your big guns too soon. Start small …let him decide to choose the small consequence or a larger one.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

My husband and I are psychotic...

First of all, my son refused to sit down. I asked him to do so twice, and it made for a very uncomfortable situation. But, on we went anyways. We are all given choices in life. And it is up to each of us to face the consequences of whatever those choices may be. For example, if I choose to drive my car too fast, I may or may not get caught, but if I do get caught, I am sure that I will get a speeding ticket, and I have no one to blame buy myself. That is responsibility. Freedom comes with responsibility. That is the price of freedom. Do you agree?

When Dad and I told you that you could not go to Ray's party, (because you lied (your choice) you decided to act out. You decided to destroy your bedroom, after I had it fixed up and painted. You decided to punish us? Do you agree? Well, you thought you painted us into a corner…If anyone is painted into a corner, the first thing they do is to try to find a way out? Do you agree?

Well, as a consequence of your behavior, Dad and I chose to go to District Court and apply for a CHINS. It is a court hearing for teenagers who choose to be rebellious. On Tuesday we will be going to speak with a judge in regards to your choice to be rebellious. This is only a hearing. If you choose to come with us and cooperate, the judge will speak to you and explain consequences to rebellious behavior, such as destroying our property. If you choose not to go, you will have to be escorted/ and /or arrested. This is very serious.

The outcome of the conversation is that my husband and I are psychotic. The biggest thing that we can take away from him, is his opportunity to get his permit. Why should we give him his license or permit when he can't be trusted. This is the consequence of his behavior. His attitude and lack of respect for either of us is a real issue here. So, we are letting the dust settle this evening. He can earn it back if he changes his attitude.

So, we decided to go to court, just so he will sit down and listen to us, and what we have to say. If he would have sat down this evening, I would not have had to go this far. Consequences to poor behavior. Please let me know what you think? Your opinion is very valuable during this process. 

Sincerely, Catherine

`````````````````````````

Hi C.,

Wonderful job.

I do have a couple comments.

At one point, you said, "He can earn it back if he changes his attitude." This is fairly vague. You need to be more specific when conveying to your son exactly what he must do to earn his permit.

If I were to videotape him having a "change of attitude," what would I see? Would I see that he's not using profanity ...not raising his voice in anger ...not tearing up furniture ...what?

Whatever it is, state it. Be very specific. For example, "You will be allowed to get your permit in 7 days if you (a) get home by curfew, (b) avoid calling me names, and (c) do not damage any property."

I'm just using the above statement as an example. You'll come up with something that actually applies to your particular circumstances.

Re: sitting down.

This is turning into a power struggle. If he wants to stand, let him.

Pick your battles carefully. You have bigger fish to fry than whether or not he is sitting.

My last point is this: We as parents want to foster the development of self-reliance in our children. Thus, the question becomes, "If I do not allow my son to get his permit, will this foster the development of self-reliance - or inhibit such development?"

Clearly, it will inhibit self-reliance. As such, I strongly recommend that do not lengthen the consequence (i.e., no permit) beyond a 7-day time limit. If the consequence goes longer than 7 days, your son will not be able to see light at the end of the tunnel and will likely feel as though he has nothing else to lose (a dangerous frame of mind to be in).

Mark

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

````````````````````````````````

Mark,

Thank you so much for your input. I am listening to you and implementing your ideas. So, rest assured you have an open ear with me.

It was difficult to talk last night, because he would not sit down.

Last night, after the conversation, he was angry. I reminded him that I loved him very much, and that this court thing had to be taken care of. We were not sure if we could cancel it, and that he had to know what was coming.

He felt it was stupid. What did he do?

I remained calm when he called me psychotic, and told him he was entitled to his opinion, but that I knew that I was not psychotic. The fizz went out of the battle.

My husband was able to cancel the CHINS appointment, and I would rather have it that way. I don't want an intermediary.

I will get more specific on "change of attitude". Also, the permit issue. I understand what you are saying …will get more specific.

Thanks so much for your time.

I love your book, and your input, ideas, etc. 

~ Catherine

We caught him using drugs...

Hi,

My son is 15 years old and is out of control. After we caught him using drugs in 9th grade. By the time he was in 9th grade, his grades fell etc. At that time, I asked him if he was glad he was caught, he said that he was. He even went to stay with his Aunt and cousins to get away from the influences, etc.

He came back home six months ago, and has been doing well for the most part. However, he is still acting out and has been hooking up with his old buddies again, which makes me very nervous. I started with my poker face, and have been plugging along.

When we said no to hanging out with his friend, he proceeded to destroy his room. My husband and I actually locked our bedroom door at night. We just didn't know what to think. And I went to court to file a CHINS.

This weekend he is at his Aunts house, and it is quiet, calm, and I can think. I intend to talk to him about the CHINS and explain why I did it. I want to give this program a shot. Even if we go to court, it is only to let him know that we are not afraid to call the police
if need be. It is not a scare tactic, it is a reality at this point in time. He continues to push and lie, and on it goes.

When I speak to him about the changes we are making due to this program, is when I will also bring up CHINS. Even if I use it as a parenting mistake, he will have something to think about.

I am being cautious not to be deceived by his behavior any longer. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

C.

````````````````````````````

Hi C.,

I’d say you’re right on track. Just be sure to word the warning exactly as follows: If you choose to _____________ (the poor choice goes here), you’ll choose the consequence, which is __________ (the consequence goes here). Then be sure to follow through with the stated consequence in the event he makes the poor choice.

Also, when issuing the above warning, do not provide any intensity (e.g., lecturing, threatening, getting angry, etc.). Otherwise, your son will turn it into a game (i.e., he’ll push the limits just to get another reaction out of you).

Stay tough …your son will benefit.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Mark-

Thanks for your input. What happened is when that behavior went so out of control, I went to the court and set up the hearing. Now, since it is on Tuesday, I am not sure if we can get out of it. So...............that is why I am letting him know about it. He has to go, or they will come get him.

He is such a player that he drove me to do this. I became resolved to do whatever it takes to put an end to bad behavior.

I plan to begin by talking about choices. We all make choices. I could choose to speed in my car, but the consequences are that I would get a ticket. You made a choice to destroy your bedroom. to lie to us, be sneaky, etc. These choices have consequences.

Yesterday began with a simple discussion about blue jeans. He destroyed a pair of his jeans while working. I suggested that he should not throw them out because he made need them next time he works, etc. He got defensive. Instead of blowing up, I remembered the discussion about pain. In order to be heard, I calmly said, I just don't want you to ruin another pair, since they cost money.

Afterwards, he apologized to me for getting upset.

He knows that we are changing, but he does not know the extent of it. He will know tonight. I thank you again for your time.

C.

20-years-old ...and still living at home.

Thank you Mark!

This book is full of great info… I wish I had read it sooner.

My son is 20 years old now with the mentality of 16. He moved with his father with all the great dreams of how he can start fresh. Unfortunately he still shows disrespect to the rules of his father's household and never at fault, being late for work, staying out late and does poorly at college. His new family is very irritated at him and his dad has been considering moving him out on his own. I am not sure if it is a great idea. He is not on drugs or alcohol, but he got some bad character traits that we as his parents keep fighting against for a long time now. What should we do?

As per my ex and myself, we have been working as a team and never fight. So, he can’t play us against each other.

I am lost. Should we just let him go and let him fall?

Any ideas?

Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you very much,

N.

```````````````````

Hi N.,

Wow! This is an easy one.

Re: Should we just let him go and let him fall?

Allow me to answer this in three parts:

1. Yes

2. Absolutely

3. Definitely

With all due respect Dear Mom, I can see by your email that you and your husband are still using “soft love” as opposed to “tough love.” I’m concerned for the two of you that your son may never leave the nest, as he is too comfortable in there.

The latest parenting challenge is dealing with emerging adults who have no intention of leaving the nest. Many 18- to 25-year-olds either return home after college or they've never even left home. The media refers to them as "Boomerang Kids." Parents are worried that their kids won't leave home.

This new phenomenon is highlighted in the movie Failure to Launch. Matthew McConaughey plays Tripp, 30-something bachelor whose parents want him out of the house. They've hired Paula (Sarah Jessica Parker), an interventionist, to help him move out. Paula has a track record of successfully boosting men's self-confidence to cause them to want to be independent.

Interestingly, this story line is not as far-fetched as it may seem. Young adults are indeed becoming more difficult to coax out of their comfy childhood homes.

Since the '70s, the number of 24-year-olds still living at home has nearly doubled! Here are the top 4 factors contributing to this change:

1. They Are Unprepared

They are overwhelmed or unmotivated to live independently. They would rather play it safe by occupying the family home, playing computer games and delivering pizza.

These kids often grow up living the life of the privileged. Here, well-meaning parents provide their children with all the amenities congruent with an affluent lifestyle. The parents are focused on doing more for their children than what their parents did for them – at the expense of keeping them dependent. Kids don't move out because they've got it made!

When your financial generosity isn't combined with teaching kids how to become self-sufficient at an early age, we cannot expect them to automatically possess adequate life skills when they reach legal adulthood. How will they gain the skills to confidently live their own life when they haven't had the opportunity to do things for themselves?

2. They Are Cautious or Clueless

They are committed, but unsure how to discover their ideal career path. They approach college with the same trial and error mindset their parents had only to find out that it no longer prepares them for today's competitive world.

Parents do their kids a disservice by waiting until they are 17 or 18 before initiating career-related discussions. In our dynamic society where change is a daily diet, this is much too late! It's best to start young, at age 13. This stage of development is the perfect time to begin connecting the dots between what they love to do and possible career options. It can take years to prepare for the perfect career. Beginning early will help teens maximize their opportunities in high school and make college a much better investment.

3. They Have Personal Problems

They don't have effective life coping skills, have failed relationships or are grieving some other loss or wrestling with a challenging life event.

In Failure to Launch, we learn that Tripp's parents indulged him largely because the woman he loved died, and he hasn't gotten over his loss. When Tripp falls in love with Paula – the new girl of his dreams – his self-sabotaging habit of dumping a girl before she can get too close gets reactivated. Finally, his friends intervene and Tripp eventually faces his demons, to everyone's delight.

If your teen is struggling emotionally, don't make the mistake of thinking it will somehow magically get better without an intervention. Tough love requires that you insist your adolescent get professional help so that he or she can move forward. If you don't know how to have that kind of conversation, consider getting help from a parenting expert.

4. They Have Mounting Debt

They've accumulated significant credit card debt and moving back in with their parents is a way to pay it off. According to the National Credit Card Research Foundation, 55 percent of students ages 16 to 22 have at least one credit card. If your teen falls into this group, make sure you monitor spending together online. Helping your teen understand how to budget and manage credit cards will be important for handling a household budget in the future.

Kids can't learn to manage money if they don't have any or if parents always pay for everything. If your offspring moves back home, I recommend you charge a nominal amount for room and board. As an adult member of your household, it's important for your young adult to contribute to household chores and expenses.

If the purpose of your child's return home is to pay off bills or a college loan, have a realistic plan and stick to the plan to make sure your young adult moves out of the house.

Determine Goals and Stick to Them— Most parents enjoy having their children visit and will consider offering some short-term help. However, indulging an adult child's inaction does not help your son begin his own life. If your child defaults on your agreement, be willing to enforce consequences to help him launch into responsible adulthood.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

How much longer will you tolerate dishonesty and disrespect? How many more temper tantrums and arguments will you endure? Have you wasted a lot of time and energy trying to make your child change? If so, then this may be the most important article you'll ever read.

Click here for full article...

How to Get Bullies Off Your Child's Back

"Hi Mark, Thanks so much for your support. We are using the "Yes" and "No" responses in your parenting program . The "Yes" response is working a treat and I am very pleased with the results. Of course the "No" response is getting a lot of protest but we are persisting. It is working even though the child is flatly saying I will not etc. I allow him a little time to think about it and he eventually goes and does what he is told instead of accepting the consequences. Of course the hardest thing for my husband is keeping a poker face but he is improving every day.
 

A little off the subject - I am wondering if you have any miracle strategy for getting bullies off my son's back. My son is not street wise and is constantly "set up" etc. The school is useless at addressing the issue. Thanks so much.  J."

```````````````````````
 

Hi J.,
 

Here are some other strategies to discuss with your son that can help improve the situation and make him feel better:

 

• Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Firmly and clearly tell the bully to stop, then walk away. Practice ways to ignore the hurtful remarks, like acting uninterested or texting someone on your cell phone. By ignoring the bully, you're showing that you don't care. Eventually, the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you.
  

• Avoid the bully and use the buddy system. Use a different bathroom if a bully is nearby and don't go to your locker when there is nobody around. Make sure you have someone with you so that you're not alone with the bully. Buddy up with a friend on the bus, in the hallways, or at recess — wherever the bully is. Offer to do the same for a friend.

• Hold the anger. It's natural to get upset by the bully, but that's what bullies thrive on. It makes them feel more powerful. Practice not reacting by crying or looking red or upset. It takes a lot of practice, but it's a useful skill for keeping off of a bully's radar. Sometimes kids find it useful to practice "cool down" strategies such as counting to 10, writing down their angry words, taking deep breaths or walking away. Sometimes the best thing to do is to teach kids to wear a "poker face" until they are clear of any danger (smiling or laughing may provoke the bully).

• If it feels safe, try to stand up to the person who is bullying you. If the person who is bullying you thinks you won't do anything about it, they are more likely to keep picking on you. This doesn't mean you should fight back or bully them back. Instead, tell the person bullying you that you don't like it and that they should stop! Keep it simple. You might just say, "Cut it out, Miranda!", and then walk away. If possible, try to talk to them in a calm voice. Kids who bully often like to see that they can make you upset. If you're afraid to talk to the person who is bullying you by yourself, then you might want to ask someone else to be there with you. Kids who bully are more likely to listen, and less likely to bully you, when you're with someone and not alone. If you're not comfortable standing up to someone who has bullied you, that's definitely OK! Just walk away. But be sure to tell an adult.

• If you are being bullied on-line, don't reply. This may actually make the bullying worse. Instead, be sure to tell a family member or another adult you trust. If possible, block any more communications from this person. (For example, it might be a good idea only to accept messages from people you know.) Save evidence of the bullying. If you get a nasty e-mail, print it out or save it so that you can show it to an adult.

• Join clubs or take part in activities where you'll meet other kids. Sometimes, it can help to join clubs or take part in activities that interest you. Think about joining a sports team, taking an art class, or joining a scouting group, for example. You can meet other kids who share your interests and you might make some good friends! 
  

• Remove the incentives. If the bully is demanding your lunch money, start bringing your lunch. If he's trying to get your music player, don't bring it to school.

• Stay in a group. Kids who bully like to pick on kids who are by themselves a lot— it's easier and they're more likely to get away with their bad behavior. If you spend more time with other kids, you may not be an easy "target" and you'll have others around to help you if you get into a difficult situation!

• Talk about it. Talk to someone you trust, such as a guidance counselor, teacher, sibling, or friend. They may offer some helpful suggestions, and even if they can't fix the situation, it may help you feel a little less alone.

• Tell an adult. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom personnel at school can all help stop bullying.

 

What NOT to do if you are bullied:

DON'T...

• fight back or bully a person back. This probably won't make things any better and it might get you into big trouble. Besides, you should try to act better than the person who bullies you.

• hurt yourself. Some kids who are bullied get so sad and depressed that they may try to hurt themselves because they think there is nothing else they can do. This definitely isn't the answer. Talk with an adult immediately and tell them how you are feeling. They can help stop the bullying.

• keep it to yourself and just hope the bullying will "go away." It's normal to want to try to ignore bullying and hope that it will stop—or hope that the person will start to pick on someone else. But, often, bullying won't stop until adults and other kids get involved. So, be sure to report the bullying.

• skip school or avoid clubs or sports because you're afraid of being bullied. Missing out on school or activities that you enjoy isn't the answer. You have a right to be there!

• think it's your fault. Nobody deserves to be bullied!

• think that you're a "tattle tale" if you tell an adult that you've been bullied. Telling is NOT tattling! It's the right thing to do.

Good Luck!

Mark

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

My daughter won't talk about what's bothering her...

"How can I get my 16 year old daughter to open up about what is going on in her life. When I ask her, I get the same old response "Nothing". I can clearly see that something is terribly wrong."

Click here for my response...

Do you need help disciplining your child?

Do you need help disciplining your child? If you're constantly arguing and fighting with someone more than half your age, tune in for a "Reality Check" with Life Coach and Contributing Author for MyOutOfControlTeen.com, Chandra Alexander, and learn why when you feel out of control - your child will be out of control as well.

1. If you have boundaries and discipline, so will your child. Boundaries make children feel safe.

2. Both parents need to be consistent and in sync with one another - children naturally play one against the other.

3. Do not say you are going to do something and then not do it. Children listen when they respect.

Online Parent Support

Ex-Husband Undermines Mother's Parenting Efforts

I have a 13 year old son, who has ADD and ODD. His father and I are divorced. D has 2 sisters ages 22 and 18. We had been going to a wonderful Doctor who was helping both houses deal with the issues that D has and giving us the skills you speak of. He wanted certain things to be the same in each house, but then the houses would run differently based upon each parent.

It was working so well and everyone has seen such a huge change in D. Unfortunately, his father could not follow the program and was not following it in his house. I was and the conflicts were dealt with and D was less defiant etc... There was harmony for the first time.

This was the third therapist, and was the only one of the 3 that was able to figure out why my ex husband has undermined and sabotaged each and every one of them. We are under and have been under the court order for the kids to seek therapy, and each time my ex would not make the appointments, not listen to the advice of the therapist, and tell the kids that they didn't need therapy etc...

He didn't know who to believe after each of us had our initial meeting at the beginning back in April. Our 3rd doctor, was able to take my son out of the middle by being the go between for myself and my ex and try and see which parent actually was telling the truth and who would follow through or not. Well, he apologized to me for not believing me from the start, as I was the one that followed through and dove into the program. It was hard, but I knew that I had no other choice if I wanted to be able to survive with my son.

He was doing his chores on his own, would listen when and if he had to have the consequences for not doing homework, chores, talking back or being rude etc...

He was 14 assignments behind, as part of the program was to let him suffer the consequences of his own doing. That was one of the most difficult things I had to do. Knowing that he was not doing his homework, but I did it. My ex went on his honeymoon and I had D for 2 weeks. D got caught up in that time span with all of his homework, but I was called all the names in the book for following through and not letting him practice or play soccer (as this was one of the consequences spelled out). My ex got back from his trip and in less than 48 hours, dismantled 6 months worth of work, by letting D go to soccer when his rough draft of his major report was to have been completed before the soccer game.

I had a funny suspicion that he was not going to follow through and I contacted the doctor to let him know what I was feeling. He contacted my ex at 2:30pm, and was assured the doctor that D was not going to be going to soccer that day.

The next day my ex, his new wife and D had an appointment with Dr. M and they all sat there and did not mention to him that D had played in his soccer game the day before (his rough draft was not completed) letting Dr. M think that D did not go to soccer.

Dr. M once he found out that he was lied to, tried to get my ex to come back in and get back on track with the program. He refused to, so Dr. M had no choice but to terminate.

Oh, by the way Dr. M figured out that my ex portrays himself on other people. Example: Tells people that I am the bad parent, when it really is he that is the bad parent.

I also just found out from both of my daughters that their father was telling them starting at the age of 8 or 9 that I didn't love them, and that he was the one that raised them. Now he is doing this to my son. The girls have stated that they were brainwashed by him, which I had been saying all along. All 3 of the kids all have said the same lines, which came directly from their father.

So, my question(s) to you are how do I get back on track in my house, when dad has undermined my efforts in my house to follow the program?

D will not listen or do anything in my house. He wants me to ask him nicely each time I want him to take out the garbage, recycling etc... When I try to send him in his room for speaking to me so disrespectfully he refuses.

D is on a 50/50 split, which I believe is the worst thing for him, as he is now stuck in the middle once again. When we were with Dr. M, D was out of the middle and was able to have a 3 neutral party to find out what parent was actually telling the truth and which one of us did what they said they would do. Because D was able to finally know and see what his father was doing, I believe his father did not like D telling knowing that he was the one that couldn't follow through, was a wimp in D's eyes and D knew that he could make his father do what he wanted him to do. For this reason and others, his father really bucked Dr. M and the program. I have now found out that his father only followed through with D and consequences once in the entire 6 months.

Click here for my response...

She’s 14 and extremely difficult. ..

Hi Mark,

I’ve spent most of my day on your website, you have some wonderful information there. I will be doing the lessons week by week, but I admit to reading ahead. What I have not come across is any solution to what if the child does everything in their power to keep you from taking their things.. for example.. My daughter right now is without internet access, no cell and no t.v but she has an Itouch that she claims is in her locker, however I know it’s not, I’ve gone to her room and searched it to no avail. There are even times where she won’t actually hand over the things and I try not to let it get physical but it does sometimes. I took her computer power cord and she threw the keyboard across room smashing it into pieces. I told her she would not get another one until she paid for it herself. But I know she’s got that itouch somewhere. She’s 14 and extremely difficult.

Thanks!

L.

`````````````````````

Hi L.,

This type of issue is addressed in the Anger Management chapter [Online Version]. But I do not recommend trying to implement a bunch on new parenting changes too quickly.

It sounds like you are in a power struggle over the Itouch. The more you focus on it, the more it becomes an interesting cat-and-mouse game to your daughter.

The best thing to do at this point is to simply continue to work the program one week at a time. Email me if you need any clarification once you’ve digested most of the material.

I look forward to hearing back,

Mark

Online Parent Support

"You said things will get worse, and they have..."

---Hi M.… please look for my comments throughout your email below:

Thank you for your previous email. I know you said things will get worse, and they have and I am not sure where we should go now… Our son is 17 years old and has just recently had more behavioral issues….we have had them all along but now they are getting more out of control and it is starting to have more of an impact on the entire family.

We have been working on assignments 1 and 2 and things were good for a while until yesterday. House rule is he is not allowed to sleep over at his girlfriend’s house and curfew is at 11pm. He went to an 18 and under club and was suppose to come home after (we knew it might be later than his curfew) instead went to his girlfriend’s house and when we called at 12:30 am her dad said he was asleep. My husband went over to get him to come home when things got bad and my husband threatened to call the police. Her dad intervened and our son left reluctantly.

Situation worsened at home and he won’t let us even say anything to him…even after a suggested time out on our part. We did not yell or raise our voice and we used a poker face but he won’t even look at us. How do you get your child to let you get a word in ... he just keeps talking and yelling…we get “shut up, I’m not talking to you…I don’t care and I hate you… I’ll walk out and you will never see me again…”

---Actually your son was right, you should have shut up (no offense). What I mean is, he knows what the rules are, and he knows he violated a house rule. There is nothing that needed to be said …and nothing that should have been said. When these situations arise, do not do any of the following:

1. Explain your decision
2. Defend your position
3. Attempt to “reason with” your son
4. Lecture (e.g., trying to “get a word in”)
5. Argue
6. Display any emotion whatsoever (e.g., anger, frustration, irritation, worry, concern, fear, etc.)
7. Fall for the accompanying manipulation strategies that your son is likely to employ

…if we tell him a consequence is that he will not get his cell phone then he says “Oh well, you will never here from me again”.

---Bullshit.

Do we tell him that is his choice?

---Yes.

Now I can’t even get the consequences in? Does he have to acknowledge that he heard the consequence?

---No.

How can we change house rules at this point…he left already this morning 5am to go to her house and said he would be back at 11pm. Those were the past house rules…do we impose a discipline anyway? When do you involve the police? Please let me know what you suggest I can’t live like this and I don’t want to push him out the door but I guess that would be his choice? Thank you for your time.

---I can see that your son successfully accomplished the goal of getting you to chase your tail.

Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management Chapter – Online Version of the eBook]. This is the technique you’ll need to use in the future. If you need any clarification on this technique, do not hesitate to email me again.

In a nutshell: State the house rule and the consequence for violating the house rule. Then let him make the mistake of violating the rule. Then implement the consequence.

Hang in there. I think you are beginning to see a bit of success, even though it’s not traceable at the moment.

Mark

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

My son is in a rage...

I cannot get beyond week #1 intro [of the program]. My son is in a rage ever since I refused to allow him to go to a party that I knew would include some of his old "druggie" friends. Some police friends have suggested placing a CHINS order (in MASS) on him through the court to scare him into compliance but I am nervous about having court involvement.

``````````````````

Hi H.,

1st Do not allow anything to get in the way of you completing the 4-week program. Keep moving forward! Change is hard. Your son’s resistance is expected.

2nd Do not get cold feet just because he’s having a temper tantrum. Stand your ground. This is tough love. If you are willing to suffer through a few weeks of pain associated with the positive change that’s coming, then you’ll get over the hump and begin to see a gradual reduction in the intensity and severity of the parent-child conflict.

3rd I doubt that he would qualify for CHINS. I wouldn’t waste time with it. Your police friends are suggesting that your use fear-based motivation with your son. Fear-based motivation is just another traditional parenting strategy that will have no positive outcome - and could make a bad problem worse.

4th Let him have his “mad time.” Is he destroys property or becomes physically aggressive, then you absolutely must be willing to (a) call police and file a report and (b) go to your local juvenile probation department and file a complaint. Anything less than this is using half-measures, which WILL be the kiss of failure.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

You Disapprove of Your Daughter's Boyfriend?

"We have a beautiful seventeen year old daughter who has just started to become rebellious. Her grades have been up and down over the past several years. She currently is doing okay (all b’s and c’s). However, she will only be attending junior college because her grades aren’t good enough for a state school. Our biggest issues have been a boyfriend last year who we did not approve of and eventually ended the relationship for her because we were concerned for her safety. This year we caught her online talking to a new boy very late at night and a text messaging session that was sexual in nature with the phone in her bed after midnight. As a result, we told her that she was no longer allowed to see him. We feel very lucky that she has not been experimenting with alcohol or drugs. Her only “brush with the law” has been a speeding ticket in February. However, she has insisted on maintaining a relationship with this new boy and caused such a scene yesterday because I refused to let her hang out with him that I had to cancel her senior portraits. I don’t think we are probably in as severe a situation as many of your clients, but I’m wondering if your program is appropriate for our situation. Any information you have will be helpful."

Click here for my answer...

I work with families in their home when a report of abuse has been made...

Hi Mark,

I’m glad have purchased your book on “My out of control Teen.” I am actually a survivor of raising my own teens. One was gifted and one was learning disabled. What I do now is work with families in their home when a report of abuse has been made. I do intensive therapy with them for about 90 days 3-6 hours a week. I have found your book to help me help them in ways to ease the tension that has built up for a long time. The family that guided me to your book was a family with different mental illnesses (hate the labeling). Anyway I just want to thank you for your help and support. Parent’s need this kind of support since raising children is much harder now then in the past.

````````````````````````````

Hi S.,

I'm glad that you are working with families this intensely. Feel free to use me as a consultant if need be.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Dealing With Teen Girls Who Run Away From Home

Hi Mark,

I’m sure you’ve heard it all before when it comes to teens etc everything you state in you initial page about teens and their out of control behaviour really does apply to my 15 year old girl…. And I do mean ALL of it. So thank you firstly for being a point of contact and believe me that I will do everything to gain more knowledge and power within my own family unit to enable my daughter to be able to make better choices in her life.

One question I do have is concerning persistent runaways – my 15 year old has runaway from home 5 times we had the police, authorities and even the school involved with trying to “help” her but to no avail, after the fourth time I ended up packing up and moving 1400 km away from everything we had known even becoming separated from her father (who she initially blamed for running away) thinking that a fresh start would help – obviously this hasn’t helped as the initial problem is still there (now she admits that it wasn’t anything to do with her father) and has not been dealt with effectively….

After only 5 weeks of being here, she is fighting and in trouble at school even a threat of suspension – has had ignored my “consequence” of not being able to go and stay over at her friends house for her continued violent and aggressive behaviour, instead smashed up her room, cussed as me with a fair few profanities and simply walked out stealing money and cigarettes on the way out!

I have not on this occasion contacted the police as I have previous times, instead I issued an ultimatum via text message (she wont answer my calls) that if she did not return by 6.30pm then the police would be called. She texted back to say she was fine and will return home in 2 days when she’s calmed down!!! I issued the ultimatum again…… and left it – as I say needless to say she has not returned and I have not contacted the police yet. The question is how do I deal with her on her return?????????

Click here for my response...