Daughter Caught Smoking

Question:

Do you have a tried and true discipline for a teenage daughter who is caught smoking?

Answer:

Sorry. You're not going to like my advice, but here goes:

You will not be able to stop her from smoking. Pick your battles carefully - and this is not a battle you should fight. In fact, the more you worry about it or lecture her, the more she will smoke! In fact, she will enjoy turning this into a game (i.e., I'll play "sneaking a smoke without mom knowing").

But you can stop her from smoking on YOUR property. Here's what you can say to your daughter:

"I can't keep you from damaging your health by smoking. But it's your health - not mine! However, I don't want you smoking in my house or anywhere on my property. If you choose to smoke on my property, you'll choose the consequence, which is grounding for 3 days without privileges (e.g., use of phone, T.V., computer, etc.)."

If your daughter smokes on the property, follow through with the consequence. If YOU smoke, keep your cigarettes with you at all times.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

I Don't Want My Kid Following In My Footsteps

What if you haven't been the greatest role model for your kid in the past and are just starting out to become one? What can I do to help my kid not follow in my footsteps??!

______________________

Hi M.,

Simply think about what you say and how you act in front of your child. Your child learns social skills and how to deal with stress by listening to and watching you.

Do not take part in illegal, unhealthy, or dangerous practices related to alcohol, tobacco, or illegal drugs or he may believe that, no matter what you say, these practices are OK.

Perhaps most importantly, know that you are a good mother in spite of some bad choices you may have made in the past. The past is NOT the present, and no one should be held hostage by their past.

Mark

Any Natural Treatment For ADHD?

My son is ADHD, but I don't like the idea of him being on strong medication for it. Is there any natural way to treat ADHD?

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Hi A.,

There are many natural treatments for ADHD, but few of them have ever been compared to a placebo, so it is hard to know if they really work.

The only natural treatments worth considering for ADHD are those based on increasing certain fatty acids in the brain. There are abnormalities in these fatty acids in the brains of people who have ADHD.

Omega-3 fatty acids may work best. Sources of Omega-3 are fish, flax seed oil, and some greens. Of these three, fish oils may work best and are worth trying -- not because they work so well -- but because they have few side effects. But there's no hard evidence that they work at all.

Sorry I don't have better news for you,

Mark

He's Soiling His Pants

My son is 6-years-old and was diagnosed with ODD last year. I am currently having a problem with him soiling his pants. I am at "whits end" ...don't know what to do.

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Hi J.,

Some of the reasons for soiling are:

---problems during toilet training

---physical disabilities, which make it hard for the child to clean him/herself

---physical condition (e.g., chronic constipation, Hirschprung's Disease)

---family or emotional problems

Soiling which is NOT caused by a physical illness or disability is called encopresis.

Children with encopresis may have other problems, such as short attention span, low frustration tolerance, hyperactivity and poor coordination.

Occasionally, this problem with soiling starts with a stressful change in the child's life, such as the birth of a sibling, separation/divorce of parents, family problems, or a move to a new home or school.

Encopresis is more common in boys than in girls.

Although most children with soiling do not have a physical condition, they should have a complete physical evaluation by a family physician.

If no physical causes are found, or if problems continue, the next step is an evaluation by a child psychiatrist. The psychiatrist will review the results of the physical evaluation and then decide whether emotional problems are contributing to the encopresis.

Encopresis can be treated with a combination of educational, psychological and behavioral methods. Most children with encopresis can be helped, but progress can be slow and extended treatment may be necessary. Early treatment of a soiling or bowel control problem can help prevent and reduce social and emotional suffering and pain for the child and family.

It will be important for you to catch your ODD son in the act of "not doing something wrong" (i.e., soiling himself). The trick will be for you to provide a lot of intensity when he is not soiling himself, and to provide NO intensity when he does.

Here's additional info on encopresis: www.aafp.org/afp/990415ap/2171.html

Please stay in touch,

Mark

How do I deal with my ODD child?

How do I deal with my child? He has all the symptoms of oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).

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Hi T.,

Actually it will take the whole eBook to answer this question adequately.

But in brief, parents typically use the same parenting strategies with their ODD kid that they used with their other kids -- why not? They are basically all the same -- right? Wrong!

Traditional kids respond well to traditional parenting strategies. However, ODD kids use traditional parenting strategies against the parent. Parents of ODD kids are in a never ending cycle of sabotage with their ODD kid. If you are in a power struggle with your ODD kid -- he's winning!

In my eBook, I'm going to show you a set of "non-traditional" parenting strategies that will work -- and they will work almost immediately.

If your situation is like that of the other parents I work with, things are not getting better -- they're getting worse. So please don't wait any longer.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Here's to a better home environment,

Mark

My daughter feels very frustrated...

Mark,

My 12-year-old ODD daughter is at a school where groups of kids get dropped off at the mall to go to the movies, or just roam around, and then picked up by a parent a few hours later.

My husband does not want her to be able to go and do this with friends, and I am unsure as to whether to let her do this. It seems that many parents are letting their kids do this, and in this day and age I'm not sure how safe/unsafe this is.

My daughter feels very frustrated and "micromanaged" by her father and I, and is feeling that our over protectiveness is prohibiting her from having a normal social life with her friends.

What do you think?

B.

___________________

Great question B.,

As you may know from reading my eBook, “self-reliance” is key. So, whenever you and/or your husband are undecided about what to do, you should ask yourself the question: “Will the decision I’m about to make promote or inhibit the development of self-reliance.”

If your decision will promote self-reliance, then go ahead with the decision. If not, then don’t.

Thus, I believe you will be promoting self-reliance in your daughter by allowing her to develop social skills in the form of going with peers to the Mall. This also provides a testing ground for her to make good or bad choices (more self-reliance promotion).

“Over-protectiveness” is another form of “over-indulgence.” And as you may have read in the eBook, over-indulgence is the cancer that contributes to emotional and behavioral problems in our kids – the #1 contributor!

The four methods of over-indulgence are:

1. Giving the child too much stuff (materialism)
2. Giving the child too much freedom (activity-ism)
3. Over-nurturing (i.e., parent provides too much assistance or protection)
4. Soft structure (e.g., lax rules, no chores, no family activities)

In the spirit of fostering the development of self-reliance, your daughter should EARN her trips to the Mall. To allow her to go without “earning” her trip is synonymous with giving her a free “hand-out” of freedom. And as you may have read in the eBook, free handouts create (a) disrespect, (b) resentment, (c) a sense of entitlement, (d) dependency, and (e) a strong desire for more and more free handouts.

For example, she might be able to do a few chores in anticipation of an upcoming trip to the Mall. Also, you could require her “check-in” via landline or cell phone at hourly intervals while she is away. And you could require her to be home by a specific time.

Again, great question.

I hope this helps in your decision-making,

Mark

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Discipline vs. Punishment

Tonight I have been reading in your e-book about discipline vs. punishment. Do you have any more material on both of these? As I understand your idea, if I give my son a consequence for his action and he does it anyway, I then enforce the stated consequence - that seems like punishment to me. What am I not understanding?

Thanks, D.

______________

Great question D.,

--> Punishment is what parents do when they are angry with their child and want some form of revenge.

--> Discipline is what parents do when they help their child learn to make better choices.

--> Punishment is about parents trying to win a power struggle with their child.

--> Discipline is refusing to engage in a power struggle by calmly issuing a consequence as a learning tool with no ulterior motives.

--> Punishment is based on pride and ego.

--> Discipline is based on love and caring.

--> Punishment is NOT instructive.

--> Discipline is instructive.

Does this make sense?

Mark

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents