Son Is Morbidly Obese

“Mark, I have a problem with my 15-year-old son -- he's lazy! He comes home from school, flops out in the easy chair, eats a bunch of junk, and watches TV or plays his video games for pretty much the rest of the evening. My concern is that he has no social life really -- plus he is now grossly over-weight. Any suggestions? Thanks.”

Click here for my response...

Sleep Problems and Poor Academic Performance

Hi Mark,

It has been a while since I have been able to get to my “social” emails. My life has been full of change over the past four months. Two of which I believe have had a very positive influence on my now, sort of, in control teenager. I took my son (15yrs) overseas to meet his Italian family he had never met and when we got back I sold the house I had bought from my X and moved to a new town house. Should have done this when we divorced two years ago. Now my kids and I can start over. I stayed, thinking it would give them some stability through the divorce. I was wrong – it had too many memories for them.

Your book made a huge difference in my life as it gave me the tools to start the process. I must admit it wasn’t easy doing it on my own and I did fall off the rails a few times, but I seem to have mastered the poker face bit and it does work. I now get accused of be hard and not care any more. Well I know this isn’t true but it certainly does make for less arguments and more acceptance on my son’s behalf in the end. Your guidelines gave me what I needed to take charge of our lives.

The only problem I still seem to be battling with is that my son as lazy as they come and although he has started doing bits at home I can’t seem to motivate him in his school work and this past year has been a total loss. I have put him in a home schooling environment in which he is much happier but he brought home a very bad report. I know he did not study at all for any of the exams so I was actually surprised that there were even digits on the report, but he seems to have good intentions when we talk about it and then just doesn’t produce. He disrupts the class, sleeps in class (he has bad sleeping pattern which I can’t control as he gets up after I’m in bed and arguments or even discussions where he agree with me don’t help on this) he doesn’t hand in work in other words does less than as little as possible. Unfortunately his father is an alcoholic, so he is of no help, as my son doesn’t respect him at all and in fact lands up being his father instead.

What I have told him now is that he has the first three months of next year to prove to me that he wants an education which means he must put in the effort it takes and produce results or he will no longer be going to school and will have to go into the working world. I am tired of carting him around and giving him all the opportunities and he just won’t take the responsibility. Do you have any advice on what would work for this?

Thanks for your support.

Have a peaceful Xmas and a fruitful new year,

L.

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Hi L.,

It was great to hear from you. It sounds like most things are on a good track.

I hear two significant issues in your email: (1) poor academic performance and (2) poor sleep pattern. Let’s look at each in turn:

Re: poor academic performance—

Unfortunately, you can't motivate your son to perform well in school (unless you receive a miracle)! Do yourself a big favor and get out of the business of playing principle, vice-principle, dean, school counselor, teacher, etc. It's not your job - school is your son's job.If he were working at McDonald's, for example, you wouldn't show-up there to see whether or not he was putting the pickle between the top bun and the beef patty, that he was frying the fries at the right temperature, that he was putting the right amount of ice in the cups, etc. You would know that your son's performance - or lack thereof - is between he and his boss. And if he gets fired - it's all on him.

The same holds true for school. What goes on there is between your son and his boss - the teacher.If the problem is behavioral, that falls in your court. If the problem is poor academic performance however, that should be the teacher's concern alone.I know teachers will want to recruit you to help them with their job (e.g., check that homework, sign this slip, etc.). (Your garbage man would appreciate it if you got out of bed at 5:00 in the morning, put on your robe, and went out to the curb to help him load your trash in his truck, too.)

Simply say to the teacher, "Poor academic performance is a significant source of tension in my home ...I'm not going to monitor it anymore. If he's misbehaving - call me. Otherwise, his poor performance is his problem."The more you take responsibility for your son's academics, the less responsibility he will take. The problem is an ownership problem. Let go of ownership of your son’s education. No more nagging about homework. No more asking about assignments. This problem belongs to your son. When you give up ownership, your son will have to make a choice - he'll have to decide if he will or will not accept ownership of his schoolwork. And he'll lose the power of pushing your education buttons, to frustrate and worry you.Out-of-control kids intentionally get low grades to push their parents’ buttons.

Often parents are in a never-ending cycle of their kid’s sabotage. Since parents are continuously telling their kids how important grades are, their kids use this information to anger them. The more parents try, the less out-of-control kids work.Many people who are successful in life performed poorly in school. Remember your high school reunion, and remember the people you never expected to do well -- but did. Your son is not going to end up sitting on the street corner with a tin can waiting for coins to be handed him from sympathetic passersby. Get rid of the fear that poor school performance will damage his future. When he decides it's time to succeed, he will. I've never meet a kid yet that didn't realize - at some point - that he at least needed to get some form of education.

Re: poor sleep pattern—

1st - Try to maintain his sleep routine by not allowing him to stay UP too late -- and sleep IN too late the following morning -- on the weekends. An extra hour or two is fine, but any more than that will throw his sleep cycle out-of-whack for the rest of the week. Also, make sure that he's not staying up extra late in his room after you think he's gone to bed.

2nd - If he as a computer or TV in his bedroom, take them out of there! Make his room as boring as possible.

3rd - Establish a consequence for NOT getting ready on time (e.g., must go to bed an hour earlier; cannot have any friends over on the weekend, etc.). And establish incentives for getting up on time (e.g., can have pizza Friday evening, can go to a Saturday afternoon movie with a friend). You get the idea – be creative!

4th – In the morning, tell him – ONLY ONE TIME – “it is time to get up,” then make a very Very VEry VERy VERY load noise that startles him. Slam his door, smack the door with the palm of your hand, drop something heavy on the floor, yell “YEEEEHHAAAAAWWWWWW” – you get the idea. This will get his blood pressure up which will make it very difficult to settle back into alpha (warning: expect him to pretend that you did not startled him and that this strategy has no effect). I know this may seem like a ridiculous strategy, but it works. After several mornings of this, he will tend to not dawdle as much.

5th – Finally, use the strategy in the ebook: “When You Want Something From Your Kid” (in the Anger Management section of the online version of the ebook).

Here’s to a better home environment,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Thank You

Mark,

Thank you for the offer and for your web site. I am still reading the "book" which I downloaded yesterday.

Our son G___ is not a bad kid by any stretch of the imagination. He is an A/B student in school, is well liked by all of his teachers, has friends and has a part time job. But his mother and I (we are married) are the "enemy" from what I can gather from the discussions and arguments with G___. He has become very secretive and has lied as to his whereabouts in the past. I know he is scared about going off to college in the fall. Not scared enough not to go, but concerned about being on his own. For this reason, he says he has chosen to try to do without our help in order to make him "grow up", which he says he has a lot to do. But his methods are sometimes frightening.

I'm hoping that by reading the book, I may gain some insight as to how to handle the situation. It is physically tiring and by the end of the day his mother and I are exhausted just from the mental frustration of trying to deal with him.

G.

Please Help

Hi G.,

I’ve responded to your email point by point below.
Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>

Dear Mark,

I have a 16 yr old (we are UK based) who is depressed and angry and won't respond to offers of seeking help via doctor or counsellor.

>>>>>>>>>>>> Counseling is just another “traditional” parenting strategy that doesn’t work very well, and in too many cases, it makes a bad problem worse. When parents attempt to force counseling on a difficult child, she usually resents it and views this strategy as a form of punishment. She also tends to believe that the family is blaming her for all the parent-child conflict. If the whole family will go to counseling, then you may see some benefit. Otherwise, save you money.

She’s had fights with her father where he physically lashed out at her in response to her rudeness and she now hates her father with vengeance.

>>>>>>>>> Her father should be taking the high road rather than stooping to her level. As you will discover from reading “My Out-of-Control Teen” eBook, reacting to a strong-willed kid with anger and violence results in the parent losing – every time!

I have 2 other daughters 14 and 12 and she is upsetting them with her 'hatred comments'. To make the situation even more complicated, their last physical exchange resulted in me asking my husband to leave.

We have been having problems for years and in the last few months we weren't speaking and were due to breakup in order to resolve the situation. We are still apart and the 2 younger girls are upset by this. We are attending marriage guidance to see if our marriage can be saved. But with Xmas looming I want him to be with his daughters Xmas eve/day and Boxing Day, but the problem child is threatening not to be there. Everyone knows a fuss will be made by her on the day which will upset the family, although I’ve asked her to try and let it go for that period as there are others to consider. She hates him, wishes him dead and I don't no how to deal with the situation - please help.

>>>>>>>>> At the risk of making this response to your dilemma sound like a sales pitch, the best way I can help you is to offer you the eBook. You’ll find detailed solutions there, and you can use me as your personal parent coach as the next several weeks and months roll by.

I’ll be here for you whenever you’re ready to get started with the material:
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
Mark

I’m not sure what to do about college...

Yes, my husband and I have over-indulged him; which after reading your on-line book is the root of his destructive behavior.

This past spring he became involved with a girl. The relationship went from “date” to talk of marriage within 3 months. We became aware of their sexual activity in May and I notified the girl’s mother. Her mother and I decided that their relationship should not continue. Three days after prohibiting them from seeing each other, they conspired to meet at her house while her parents were away and on his way to her house, he totaled his car. He was immediately grounded and for a month after the accident, lied about seeing her, denied responsibility for the car accident, refused to go to work, snuck out at night, locked himself in his room, carved her initials in his arm and refused to speak to us. We grew very worried that he was going to harm himself with these behaviors. His behavior was so mean, nasty and erratic, I didn’t even like to leave him at home with our dogs.

After much desperation, I contacted a military school to see about sending him away for his senior year. They recommended I speak with an academic consultant. The academic consultant recommended a wilderness camp. We approached him with the idea of the wilderness camp and my husband was going to fly him out; but he adamantly refused. We ended up having an adolescent transport service take him. During his time at the camp, he communicated well (written only) with us and complied with the camp 100%.

Upon his return, we told him that we did not want him to continue the relationship with his girlfriend and that we wanted to start clean with our relationship. But since we did not trust him, he would have to earn back trust and privileges. We felt strongly that a good portion of his defiant behavior was associated with the girlfriend and we still prohibited him dating her. This position seems to have been a mistake as we feel we have created a Romeo & Juliet situation. Recently, we know that their relationship has problems (constant fighting etc.) he continues the relationship; but he makes every attempt to hide it from us. He denies that he is seeing her. I have information to the contrary.

We have implemented many of your strategies and work everyday to be consistent. Although after reading your online book, I realize we have a few things to work on. Our son works 2 jobs this year and is taking a college level course along with the required 12th grade English course he needs to graduate. We allow him to go out with friends and have friends over and he is good about keeping curfew. He no longer sneaks out. I see glimpses of him taking on responsibility, but he still has a long way to go.

My current dilemma is that he turns 18 on March 26, 2007. Although he is beginning to understand a little about responsibility, he has no idea what it will be like for him to live on his own. He has recently been “threatening” to move out upon his 18th birthday. My husband and I have taken the position of not arguing with him but simply asking him questions about how he plans to support himself, get to work & school, and where he believes he will live. He gets ticked-off and frustrated when he realizes that he doesn’t have the means to support himself. My husband and I have tried very hard not to buy into his arguments; it is difficult, but does seem to be successful.

My husband and I have already concluded that when he is 18 & graduated from high school, if he doesn’t wish to comply with household rules, we will ask him to leave. My question is, since he will turn 18 prior to high school graduation, what tips do you have for our handling his defiant behavior for those months between April and graduation? I’m not sure what to do about college either. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

B.A.

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Hi Bridget,

I don’t have a whole lot to add. It sounds like you and your husband are greatly on track. Just continue to digest the material in the ebook (listen to all audio too).

Become an expert in the following strategies (online version of the ebook):

• The “Art of Saying Yes”
• The “Art of Saying No”
• “When You Want Something From Your Kid” (Anger Management chapter)

Re: college – Your son is an adult now. Let him decide what he wants to do, then provide encouragement in that area. If you try to push or pull him in one direction or the other, he will likely take an opposite path.

Here's to a better home environment,
Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

When Your Husband Is An Over-Indulgent Parent

"Both my husband and I have read your eBook. However, he is still wanting to 'over-indulge' our daughter. What can I do?"

Hi C.,

It will be very important for you and your husband to be united and bonded on most issues. But, bear in mind that a weaker plan supported by the both parents is much better than a stronger plan support by only one parent.

The two of you must set aside your differences as partners and resolve to work together as parents in the best interest of your child. This is difficult, but not impossible to do.

You will continue to disagree – and that's O.K. But agree that you will not let your own differences interfere with your ability to parent together. Argue only when your child is not within earshot.

Make important decisions about your child together. Sit down with your husband and create rules that your child must follow, but that the two of you agree on.

Also, learn to let go a little and accept that the situation cannot be perfect. 

Try to schedule talks with your husband at times when you are both relaxed and can concentrate. It is much easier this way. 

Finally, put your plan in writing. For example:  

"As parents, we agree to allow our daughter to do a, b, and c. And we will mutually impose a consequence for x, y, and z. The consequence for x is ___________, for y is ______________, and for z is ______________."

Give it a try.

Please stay in touch,

Mark

 ==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens

Would you suggest any further contact?

Here's an email from a mother whose 17-year-old son is "on the run." He has a drug habit, and is basically floating from one living arrangement to another. This mother sent her son a letter inviting him to Christmas Eve dinner:

________

Hi Mark,

Sent letter to my son. He would have received it on Friday. In it I also expressed your advise. I have also invited him to join all our family for Christmas Eve dinner. It is Monday. Would you suggest any further contact? If yes when? Or do you think I should wait until he contacts us? Christmas Eve is in 6 days. It's frustrating when we don't have the answers ourselves anymore. What do you suggest?

________

Hi M.,

The main goal is for (a) your son to start taking responsibility for himself, and (b) for you to take less responsibility in order to achieve (a).

Whenever you are undecided about what to say or do, ask yourself the question, "Is what I"m about to say or do going to promote the development of self-reliance in my son, or is it going to inhibit the development of self-reliance? If your decisions promote self-reliance, then they are good decisions ...period.

Thus, should there be further contact? I don't think so.

Further contact feels a bit like you taking on too much responsibility (again). He's been given an invitation. It's his choice whether to show up or not. If he "no shows" ...you can give him his gifts as well as a Christmas kiss on the cheek whenever he does show up. In the meantime, spend your time and energy on the family members that are near you.

Let go and let God. Don't give your son the power to steal your joy this Christmas -- this is YOUR choice.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com