I have tried lots of things with my 10-year-old daughter. I have done a parenting course, but she is still causing disruption and is very violent towards me and her 2 sisters, K____ 15, and L___ 9.

Today my 10-yr-old daughter has smacked me, kicked me, tried to smash the patio door with the fruit bowl, then grabbed the kettle and has started throwing hot water around. This is not just putting us at danger, but herself. I am now wondering what on earth I can do next as I have tried time out sanctions, reward charts, praising, etc. Please give me some advice, as I don’t know where to turn.

Thanks, C.

___________

Hi C.,

At the risk of throwing labels around, you have described behavior in line with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).

ODD defined:

A pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior lasting at least six months during which four or more of the following are present:

1. often loses temper

2. often argues with adults

3. often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules

4. often deliberately annoys people

5. often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

6. is often touchy or easily annoyed by others

7. is often angry and resentful

8. is often spiteful and vindictive

The disturbance in behavior causes clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning.

All of the criteria above include the word "often". Studies have shown that these behaviors occur to a varying degree in all children. Researchers have found that the "often" is best solved by the following criteria.

Has occurred at all during the last three months-

• is spiteful and vindictive
• blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

Occurs at least twice a week-

• is touchy or easily annoyed by others
• loses temper
• argues with adults
• actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules

Occurs at least four times per week-

• is angry and resentful
• deliberately annoys people

Here is an example of how ODD looks for a 10-year-old:

Kaylee is 10. Her day usually starts out with arguing about (a) getting up on time for school, (b) having to share space with her siblings, (c) what she can and can not bring to school, etc.

Kaylee does not take the bus to school. She has been forbidden to ride the bus due to numerous incidents in which she was verbally and physically disruptive. Since it is impossible to supervise bus rides adequately, the school gave up and now mom has to drive her to school. It is still hard to get her there on time. As the time to leave approaches, she gets slower and slower.

Once at school, she usually gets into some verbal battles with peers in those few minutes between her mother's supervision and the teacher's. When she is not allowed to go to the bathroom, she flips her desk. When she is told to stop tapping her pencil, she swears at the teacher. When she is sent to the office, she tells the vice-principal how badly she is being mistreated by the teacher and how unfair things are in the classroom.

Recess is a hard time as well. Kaylee tells everyone that she has lots of friends, but if you watch what goes on in the lunchroom or on the playground, it is hard to figure out who they are. Some peers avoid her, but most would give her a chance if he wasn't so bossy.

After school is the time that makes her mom seriously consider foster care. Kaylee refuses to do any homework and is making poor grades. Each day she complains that mom doesn't do anything for her. She gets upset with her siblings, slams doors, goes in the other room and usually turns the TV on very loud.

Mom tells her to turn it down. She doesn't and is sent to her room. After supper Kaylee ends up in a screaming match with mom over her unwillingness to help with the dishes. In fact, Kaylee refuses to do any chores and gets very angry when mom asks her to help out around the house.

Kaylee’s siblings are afraid of her – so is mom.

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Traditional parenting strategies such as time-outs, reward charts, etc., do not work with ODD kids – in fact, they tend to make a bad problem worse. We’ll look at what does work in “My Out-of-Control Teen eBook.” It will take some time and a specific combination of strategies to get the problems turned around. There are no short cuts, and the longer the parent waits to implement these strategies, the more things deteriorate. 

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Is our teenage son really suicidal?

"Our son recently lost his girlfriend in a very bad car accident. She and two of her female friends were killed instantly when the driver veered off the road and hit a tree head on. My question is he has been very depressed since the accident and is now talking about wishing he were dead. No amount of talking to him is making a difference. Should we be concerned that he really might follow through with a suicide attempt?"

Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among those 15 to 25 years of age, and it is the 6th leading cause of death among those 5 to 14 years of age. It is estimated that 500,000 teenagers try to kill themselves every year, and about 5,000 succeed. Furthermore, teenage suicide is on the rise. Some of the reasons for this increase:

• Easier access to lethal means, such as guns and drugs
• A more violent youth culture, fueled by video games, music, television and movies
• A lack of family stability; divorce, abuse
• Reduced impulse control due to technology and the rapid pace of modern life
• A romantic misconception about the finality of death
• Peer pressure and a feeling of powerlessness
• Limited access to mental health services

Studies show that clear warning signs have preceded 4 out of 5 teen suicide attempts. Warning signs include:

• Loses interest in favorite extracurricular activities
• Has problems at work and loses interest in a job
• Abuses substances, including alcohol and drug (illegal and legal drugs)
• Begins to experience behavioral problems
• Withdraws from family and friends
• Experiences sleep changes
• Experiences changes in eating habits
• Begins to neglect hygiene and other matters of personal appearance
• Experiences emotional distress which brings on physical complaints (aches, fatigues, migraines)
• Has a hard time concentrating and paying attention
• Begins to receive failing grades at school
• Loses interest in schoolwork
• Engages in risk taking behaviors
• Complains more frequently of boredom
• Does not respond as before to praise and encouragement
• Actually says, “I’m thinking of committing suicide” or “I want to kill myself” or “I wish I could die”
• Begins giving away favorite belongings, or promising them to friends and family members
• Throws away important possessions
• Shows signs of extreme cheerfulness following periods of depression
• Creates suicide notes
• Expresses bizarre or unsettling thoughts on occasion

Here’s some of the things you can do:

Ask your teen if he is thinking about suicide. Listen openly and without judging. Believe what he says, and take all threats seriously. Share responsibility by getting others involved. Reassure him that help is available, and support and encourage him to reach out to sources of help in the community. Act immediately if you feel he is at imminent risk for suicide by involving others who can help. If necessary, make contact with the police, emergency services, or a hospital to ensure the person's safety.

Talk, ask questions, and be willing to really listen. Don't dismiss your teen's problems as unimportant. Parents and other influential adults should never make fun of or ignore an adolescent's concerns, especially if they matter a great deal to her and are making her unhappy.

Be honest. It you're worried about your teen, say so. You will not spark thoughts of suicide just by asking about it. Share your feelings. Let your teen know he's not alone. Everyone feels sad or depressed at times.

Get help for your teen and yourself. Talk to your pediatrician, teacher, counselor, clergy, or other trained professional. Don't wait for the problem to "go away." Although feelings of sadness and depression can disappear as quickly as they came, they can also build to the point that an adolescent thinks of suicide as the only way out. Be careful not to assume that your teen's problems have been so easily solved.

If your child seems depressed and withdrawn, it's a good idea to watch him or her carefully. If your child will not speak to you about how he or she is feeling, it's a good idea to suggest that your child talk to someone else who he or she feels comfortable confiding in. If your teen doesn't feel comfortable talking with you, you may want to suggest a more neutral person, such as another relative, a clergy member, a coach, a school counselor, or your child's doctor.

Some parents are reluctant to ask teens if they have been thinking about suicide or hurting themselves. Some parents fear that if they ask, they will plant the idea of suicide in their child's head.

It's always a good idea to ask. Asking a person if he or she is having thoughts about suicide can be difficult. Sometimes it helps to let the person know why you are asking. For instance, you might say: "I've noticed that you've been talking a lot about wanting to be dead. Have you been having thoughts about trying to kill yourself?"

Your child's doctor can refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist, or your local hospital's department of psychiatry can provide a list of doctors in your area. Your local mental health association or county medical society can also provide references. In an emergency, you can call 1-800-273-8255.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Son Is Morbidly Obese

“Mark, I have a problem with my 15-year-old son -- he's lazy! He comes home from school, flops out in the easy chair, eats a bunch of junk, and watches TV or plays his video games for pretty much the rest of the evening. My concern is that he has no social life really -- plus he is now grossly over-weight. Any suggestions? Thanks.”

Click here for my response...

Sleep Problems and Poor Academic Performance

Hi Mark,

It has been a while since I have been able to get to my “social” emails. My life has been full of change over the past four months. Two of which I believe have had a very positive influence on my now, sort of, in control teenager. I took my son (15yrs) overseas to meet his Italian family he had never met and when we got back I sold the house I had bought from my X and moved to a new town house. Should have done this when we divorced two years ago. Now my kids and I can start over. I stayed, thinking it would give them some stability through the divorce. I was wrong – it had too many memories for them.

Your book made a huge difference in my life as it gave me the tools to start the process. I must admit it wasn’t easy doing it on my own and I did fall off the rails a few times, but I seem to have mastered the poker face bit and it does work. I now get accused of be hard and not care any more. Well I know this isn’t true but it certainly does make for less arguments and more acceptance on my son’s behalf in the end. Your guidelines gave me what I needed to take charge of our lives.

The only problem I still seem to be battling with is that my son as lazy as they come and although he has started doing bits at home I can’t seem to motivate him in his school work and this past year has been a total loss. I have put him in a home schooling environment in which he is much happier but he brought home a very bad report. I know he did not study at all for any of the exams so I was actually surprised that there were even digits on the report, but he seems to have good intentions when we talk about it and then just doesn’t produce. He disrupts the class, sleeps in class (he has bad sleeping pattern which I can’t control as he gets up after I’m in bed and arguments or even discussions where he agree with me don’t help on this) he doesn’t hand in work in other words does less than as little as possible. Unfortunately his father is an alcoholic, so he is of no help, as my son doesn’t respect him at all and in fact lands up being his father instead.

What I have told him now is that he has the first three months of next year to prove to me that he wants an education which means he must put in the effort it takes and produce results or he will no longer be going to school and will have to go into the working world. I am tired of carting him around and giving him all the opportunities and he just won’t take the responsibility. Do you have any advice on what would work for this?

Thanks for your support.

Have a peaceful Xmas and a fruitful new year,

L.

------------------------

Hi L.,

It was great to hear from you. It sounds like most things are on a good track.

I hear two significant issues in your email: (1) poor academic performance and (2) poor sleep pattern. Let’s look at each in turn:

Re: poor academic performance—

Unfortunately, you can't motivate your son to perform well in school (unless you receive a miracle)! Do yourself a big favor and get out of the business of playing principle, vice-principle, dean, school counselor, teacher, etc. It's not your job - school is your son's job.If he were working at McDonald's, for example, you wouldn't show-up there to see whether or not he was putting the pickle between the top bun and the beef patty, that he was frying the fries at the right temperature, that he was putting the right amount of ice in the cups, etc. You would know that your son's performance - or lack thereof - is between he and his boss. And if he gets fired - it's all on him.

The same holds true for school. What goes on there is between your son and his boss - the teacher.If the problem is behavioral, that falls in your court. If the problem is poor academic performance however, that should be the teacher's concern alone.I know teachers will want to recruit you to help them with their job (e.g., check that homework, sign this slip, etc.). (Your garbage man would appreciate it if you got out of bed at 5:00 in the morning, put on your robe, and went out to the curb to help him load your trash in his truck, too.)

Simply say to the teacher, "Poor academic performance is a significant source of tension in my home ...I'm not going to monitor it anymore. If he's misbehaving - call me. Otherwise, his poor performance is his problem."The more you take responsibility for your son's academics, the less responsibility he will take. The problem is an ownership problem. Let go of ownership of your son’s education. No more nagging about homework. No more asking about assignments. This problem belongs to your son. When you give up ownership, your son will have to make a choice - he'll have to decide if he will or will not accept ownership of his schoolwork. And he'll lose the power of pushing your education buttons, to frustrate and worry you.Out-of-control kids intentionally get low grades to push their parents’ buttons.

Often parents are in a never-ending cycle of their kid’s sabotage. Since parents are continuously telling their kids how important grades are, their kids use this information to anger them. The more parents try, the less out-of-control kids work.Many people who are successful in life performed poorly in school. Remember your high school reunion, and remember the people you never expected to do well -- but did. Your son is not going to end up sitting on the street corner with a tin can waiting for coins to be handed him from sympathetic passersby. Get rid of the fear that poor school performance will damage his future. When he decides it's time to succeed, he will. I've never meet a kid yet that didn't realize - at some point - that he at least needed to get some form of education.

Re: poor sleep pattern—

1st - Try to maintain his sleep routine by not allowing him to stay UP too late -- and sleep IN too late the following morning -- on the weekends. An extra hour or two is fine, but any more than that will throw his sleep cycle out-of-whack for the rest of the week. Also, make sure that he's not staying up extra late in his room after you think he's gone to bed.

2nd - If he as a computer or TV in his bedroom, take them out of there! Make his room as boring as possible.

3rd - Establish a consequence for NOT getting ready on time (e.g., must go to bed an hour earlier; cannot have any friends over on the weekend, etc.). And establish incentives for getting up on time (e.g., can have pizza Friday evening, can go to a Saturday afternoon movie with a friend). You get the idea – be creative!

4th – In the morning, tell him – ONLY ONE TIME – “it is time to get up,” then make a very Very VEry VERy VERY load noise that startles him. Slam his door, smack the door with the palm of your hand, drop something heavy on the floor, yell “YEEEEHHAAAAAWWWWWW” – you get the idea. This will get his blood pressure up which will make it very difficult to settle back into alpha (warning: expect him to pretend that you did not startled him and that this strategy has no effect). I know this may seem like a ridiculous strategy, but it works. After several mornings of this, he will tend to not dawdle as much.

5th – Finally, use the strategy in the ebook: “When You Want Something From Your Kid” (in the Anger Management section of the online version of the ebook).

Here’s to a better home environment,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Thank You

Mark,

Thank you for the offer and for your web site. I am still reading the "book" which I downloaded yesterday.

Our son G___ is not a bad kid by any stretch of the imagination. He is an A/B student in school, is well liked by all of his teachers, has friends and has a part time job. But his mother and I (we are married) are the "enemy" from what I can gather from the discussions and arguments with G___. He has become very secretive and has lied as to his whereabouts in the past. I know he is scared about going off to college in the fall. Not scared enough not to go, but concerned about being on his own. For this reason, he says he has chosen to try to do without our help in order to make him "grow up", which he says he has a lot to do. But his methods are sometimes frightening.

I'm hoping that by reading the book, I may gain some insight as to how to handle the situation. It is physically tiring and by the end of the day his mother and I are exhausted just from the mental frustration of trying to deal with him.

G.

Please Help

Hi G.,

I’ve responded to your email point by point below.
Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>

Dear Mark,

I have a 16 yr old (we are UK based) who is depressed and angry and won't respond to offers of seeking help via doctor or counsellor.

>>>>>>>>>>>> Counseling is just another “traditional” parenting strategy that doesn’t work very well, and in too many cases, it makes a bad problem worse. When parents attempt to force counseling on a difficult child, she usually resents it and views this strategy as a form of punishment. She also tends to believe that the family is blaming her for all the parent-child conflict. If the whole family will go to counseling, then you may see some benefit. Otherwise, save you money.

She’s had fights with her father where he physically lashed out at her in response to her rudeness and she now hates her father with vengeance.

>>>>>>>>> Her father should be taking the high road rather than stooping to her level. As you will discover from reading “My Out-of-Control Teen” eBook, reacting to a strong-willed kid with anger and violence results in the parent losing – every time!

I have 2 other daughters 14 and 12 and she is upsetting them with her 'hatred comments'. To make the situation even more complicated, their last physical exchange resulted in me asking my husband to leave.

We have been having problems for years and in the last few months we weren't speaking and were due to breakup in order to resolve the situation. We are still apart and the 2 younger girls are upset by this. We are attending marriage guidance to see if our marriage can be saved. But with Xmas looming I want him to be with his daughters Xmas eve/day and Boxing Day, but the problem child is threatening not to be there. Everyone knows a fuss will be made by her on the day which will upset the family, although I’ve asked her to try and let it go for that period as there are others to consider. She hates him, wishes him dead and I don't no how to deal with the situation - please help.

>>>>>>>>> At the risk of making this response to your dilemma sound like a sales pitch, the best way I can help you is to offer you the eBook. You’ll find detailed solutions there, and you can use me as your personal parent coach as the next several weeks and months roll by.

I’ll be here for you whenever you’re ready to get started with the material:
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
Mark

I’m not sure what to do about college...

Yes, my husband and I have over-indulged him; which after reading your on-line book is the root of his destructive behavior.

This past spring he became involved with a girl. The relationship went from “date” to talk of marriage within 3 months. We became aware of their sexual activity in May and I notified the girl’s mother. Her mother and I decided that their relationship should not continue. Three days after prohibiting them from seeing each other, they conspired to meet at her house while her parents were away and on his way to her house, he totaled his car. He was immediately grounded and for a month after the accident, lied about seeing her, denied responsibility for the car accident, refused to go to work, snuck out at night, locked himself in his room, carved her initials in his arm and refused to speak to us. We grew very worried that he was going to harm himself with these behaviors. His behavior was so mean, nasty and erratic, I didn’t even like to leave him at home with our dogs.

After much desperation, I contacted a military school to see about sending him away for his senior year. They recommended I speak with an academic consultant. The academic consultant recommended a wilderness camp. We approached him with the idea of the wilderness camp and my husband was going to fly him out; but he adamantly refused. We ended up having an adolescent transport service take him. During his time at the camp, he communicated well (written only) with us and complied with the camp 100%.

Upon his return, we told him that we did not want him to continue the relationship with his girlfriend and that we wanted to start clean with our relationship. But since we did not trust him, he would have to earn back trust and privileges. We felt strongly that a good portion of his defiant behavior was associated with the girlfriend and we still prohibited him dating her. This position seems to have been a mistake as we feel we have created a Romeo & Juliet situation. Recently, we know that their relationship has problems (constant fighting etc.) he continues the relationship; but he makes every attempt to hide it from us. He denies that he is seeing her. I have information to the contrary.

We have implemented many of your strategies and work everyday to be consistent. Although after reading your online book, I realize we have a few things to work on. Our son works 2 jobs this year and is taking a college level course along with the required 12th grade English course he needs to graduate. We allow him to go out with friends and have friends over and he is good about keeping curfew. He no longer sneaks out. I see glimpses of him taking on responsibility, but he still has a long way to go.

My current dilemma is that he turns 18 on March 26, 2007. Although he is beginning to understand a little about responsibility, he has no idea what it will be like for him to live on his own. He has recently been “threatening” to move out upon his 18th birthday. My husband and I have taken the position of not arguing with him but simply asking him questions about how he plans to support himself, get to work & school, and where he believes he will live. He gets ticked-off and frustrated when he realizes that he doesn’t have the means to support himself. My husband and I have tried very hard not to buy into his arguments; it is difficult, but does seem to be successful.

My husband and I have already concluded that when he is 18 & graduated from high school, if he doesn’t wish to comply with household rules, we will ask him to leave. My question is, since he will turn 18 prior to high school graduation, what tips do you have for our handling his defiant behavior for those months between April and graduation? I’m not sure what to do about college either. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

B.A.

------------------

Hi Bridget,

I don’t have a whole lot to add. It sounds like you and your husband are greatly on track. Just continue to digest the material in the ebook (listen to all audio too).

Become an expert in the following strategies (online version of the ebook):

• The “Art of Saying Yes”
• The “Art of Saying No”
• “When You Want Something From Your Kid” (Anger Management chapter)

Re: college – Your son is an adult now. Let him decide what he wants to do, then provide encouragement in that area. If you try to push or pull him in one direction or the other, he will likely take an opposite path.

Here's to a better home environment,
Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com