My mom calls me crying all the time about it...

This question is not about my children (I don't have any) but my 16-year-old brother. Sometimes he is the nicest kid in the world, but now he is acting out and not listening to my parents. My parents are fighting about it and not getting along and I have another brother and sister who are younger and cry because C___ and mom are fighting. He does not listen and is starting to fail school. He just got his license and thinks he is invincible. My mom calls me crying all the time about it and I don't know what to do. Help!!

Got help!?

Do I call the cops?

My daughter turned 18 in Oct, since then, rules have been tested every step of the way. She had her teacher call, grades were slipping, I talked to her, she got loud and we argued. We have argued about curfew. We argue about her attitude, very poor. We talked about a lip pierce, I said no, and no again. She knew the rules, I said wait till she graduated.

She came home late after work, said I know you're going to be mad, but I got one. I blew up. I got mad and told her that she needed to go spend the night at her older brother's house, while I cooled down. I was furious for her defying me. She stayed one night there, and moved over to her girlfriends. Haven’t heard from her in a week. She's going to school. I talked to the coach. What do I do? Do I go and force her home, do I call the cops (she's 18, I don’t think they can do anything) leave it alone, she’ll come home on her own? She won’t even talk to me. Help

________

Hi B.,

You’re right …the cops will not be able to force her to return home.

I think it is good that she is “out on her own.” This experience will teach her how to survive away from “the nest.” Plus she will develop a greater appreciation for YOU as she lives day-to-day without the comforts of “home” and “mom.”

If (or should I say ‘when’) she returns home, this will be a good time for the two of you to sit down so you can lay-out the ground rules for her living ‘under your roof.’ If she does not want to follow your house rules, then she can live elsewhere. It’s her choice.

You’re obligations have been met. Now that your daughter is an adult, living in YOUR house is a privilege – not a right.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Can he just take her away or what?

Hi Mark,

I had a meeting with ex re: finances, but he wont pay anything. He has a new girlfriend who lives in NSW and says L___ will not stay at her high school the whole way through. I want her to. He doesn't know where he will live. Where does that leave me? It actually affected my work today. I think I need some legal advice on that matter. Can he just take her away or what? I am overeating and over-sleeping now. I believe L___ would take us to court if she could or would know about it. She has been okay during holidays.

J.

___________

Hi J.,

I’m not sure what the laws are on this matter in your area. In my state, either parent (or both) can get custody. If the parents agree between themselves on custody, they can avoid a long and expensive court case. But if they can't agree, the judge will hear both sides and decide what's best for the child, not the parents. The judge will consider many factors such as:

• Which parent has been the children’s primary caregiver
• Emotional ties of the children to parents and other family members
• Attitude of the parents towards the child
• Whether one parent has abused the other (the law assumes that it is not best for the child to be in the custody of a parent who has abused the other parent)
• Whether one parent is more likely to help the other parent keep a close relationship with the children (the judge won’t consider this if one parent shows that the other parent has been abusive and that a continuing relationship with the children would be dangerous for either the parent or the children)
• Any criminal record of the parents
• The parents' emotional stability
• Home environment
• The child's age, sex, and health
• Whom the child wishes to be with (if the child is old enough to make a good decision)

Judges will often award permanent legal custody to the parent who has had physical custody of the child. Judges do not like to change the living situation of a child who is doing well.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Do you think this program will help him?

I am a very experience tutor tutoring a thirteen-year-old who does not respond to strategies. Will this program help me? I have never worked with a child as difficult, and I am used to working with children who are difficult. I am determined to succeed.

There is a stubborn refusal to attend, to try a new strategy even though he knows the strategies he has been using don't work, and an inability to carry through on completing a task. He is very intelligent and could do well; however, I am not able to reach him. Do you think this program will help him?

Here's Help!

Please help.

Hi M.,

I’ve responded to each of your comments in turn below.

Please look for there arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Dear Mr. Hutten,

Our son is already in a mental health facility. He would have gone to a juvenile justice facility if we had not intervened and sent him to get some help.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Michael …don’t get upset with me, but I think this was a big mistake (i.e., intervening to “save” him from experiencing emotional pain associated with poor choices). This “enabled” him and will most likely come back to bite you in the hind-end. Counseling – and even placement in a mental health facility – will not give you much “bang for your buck.” He needs a painful consequence, not an expensive babysitter. He does need to be stabilized and on some form of medication for his rage, but this can be done as an out-patient.

He has attacked both of us. He attacked my wife the last time and it was VERY bad. I am not worried about the emotional pain. Emotional pain is hurtful but we can get through it. I am worried that someone is going to get hurt badly. He knows what our physical ailments are and where the best spots to attack are located. He is bigger than either of us.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Your son has Conduct Disorder tendencies.

We love him. We want him to get the therapy he needs so that we can be a family. He is making false accusations of emotional and mental abuse.

>>>>>>>>> It doesn’t surprise that he would be making false accusations. This what kids with ODD and CD do.

He can not claim physical abuse any longer because he is larger, and all the marks, bruises, hair yanked out of his mother's head, broken phones when she tries to call 911.

>>>>>>>>>>Have you filed any battery charges against your son? If not, you are digging your self into a deeper hole.

We don't know what kind of therapy they are implementing because they are not located in the same city as we are. They are not sharing with us anything other than what medication they are giving him. He lies in therapy and like you said, they believe him because he is very manipulative. He is very smart and knows what to say. He has shown us at home that he is able to cry at will. He proved it to me in order to show that he could use it to manipulate my wife at any time. I told her and he showed her as well. That’s when the violence really began because he couldn't fake crying anymore.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Again, please do not get upset with me, but I have to say this: Your son is spoiled rotten!! Don’t get me wrong -- he’s not a bad kid, but he is so used to being in charge (i.e., the tail wagging the dog) that it is going to take a lot of hard work to get the problems reversed.

We are worried about our son. He may never be a productive member of society for himself. He may never be able to get along with anyone. He claims that it is all our fault. He feels like acute care is a vacation. He is not afraid of going to a detention facility.

WE only get weekly appts on the phone with him and the therapist. We don't know what to do when he gets home. It is scary because we are wondering if he will come home and attack again. The therapist is saying that it will never get better.

>>>>>>>>>>>It will definitely NOT get better until you muster up some tough love. Are you willing to do this? If not, you need get an attorney and have him removed permanently from the home.

The only thing that the justice system and mental health facilities have done is make him more educated on terminology and able to manipulate the situation better.

>>>>>>>>>>>This is not entirely true. If he’s locked-up, he can’t hurt anybody. This is as much about protecting you and others as it is about getting him some help.

He has had to change roommates 3 times because he is violent and even stabbed one child with a pen. I want you to understand the gravity of what we are dealing with. Please help.

>>>>>>>>>>>Oh …I get the picture. But I have a huge concern. I have a bad feeling in my gut that you may continue to “save” your son from emotional pain associated with his poor choices. Please begin setting some serious boundaries immediately. I’ve written a whole book on how to do this.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I have never paid for a support group...

I am currently disabled and fighting social security. I don't have a credit card, debit etc. I would really like to join the parent support group, unless I can find one that is free. I do have to admit that I have never paid for a support group, nor have I ever charged when I ran my own support groups. But if this is what I have to do, I will. However we go back to original problem, paying. Can you accept a check through the mail? Please let me know as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

S.S.

_____________

Hi S.,

Online Parent Support is much more than a support group, and there are several reasons why Online Parent Support cost members a one-time fee of $19.99.

1. Cost of advertising and keeping the website up and running

2. You get an eBook

3. You have access to my lectures (live audio recording of my parent group)

4. You have access to all the videos and power point presentations shown during the parent group

5. You have access to 44 additional ebooks -- and this number is growing

6. I offer multiple resources, which provide financial assistance to those single parents who get little or no financial help from their child's other parent

7. I provide parent-coaching for as long -- and as often -- as you need consultation

8. And I offer a weekly newsletter.

You will not find another program -- online or off -- that comes close to providing the quantity and quality of services offered on www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com and Online Parent Support. You can, however, find other programs that are much more expensive and provide fewer services.

As far as “free” programs go – well, if you find one, let me know. If parents are not willing to invest 19 bucks in their child, then they probably will not spend the time or energy to “work” the program anyway -- in which case, they WOULD be wasting their money.

Mark Hutten M.A.

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