I’ve responded to each of your comments in turn below.
Dear Mr. Hutten,
Our son is already in a mental health facility. He would have gone to a juvenile justice facility if we had not intervened and sent him to get some help.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Michael …don’t get upset with me, but I think this was a big mistake (i.e., intervening to “save” him from experiencing emotional pain associated with poor choices). This “enabled” him and will most likely come back to bite you in the hind-end. Counseling – and even placement in a mental health facility – will not give you much “bang for your buck.” He needs a painful consequence, not an expensive babysitter. He does need to be stabilized and on some form of medication for his rage, but this can be done as an out-patient.
He has attacked both of us. He attacked my wife the last time and it was VERY bad. I am not worried about the emotional pain. Emotional pain is hurtful but we can get through it. I am worried that someone is going to get hurt badly. He knows what our physical ailments are and where the best spots to attack are located. He is bigger than either of us.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Your son has Conduct Disorder tendencies.
We love him. We want him to get the therapy he needs so that we can be a family. He is making false accusations of emotional and mental abuse.
>>>>>>>>> It doesn’t surprise that he would be making false accusations. This what kids with ODD and CD do.
He can not claim physical abuse any longer because he is larger, and all the marks, bruises, hair yanked out of his mother's head, broken phones when she tries to call 911.
>>>>>>>>>>Have you filed any battery charges against your son? If not, you are digging your self into a deeper hole.
We don't know what kind of therapy they are implementing because they are not located in the same city as we are. They are not sharing with us anything other than what medication they are giving him. He lies in therapy and like you said, they believe him because he is very manipulative. He is very smart and knows what to say. He has shown us at home that he is able to cry at will. He proved it to me in order to show that he could use it to manipulate my wife at any time. I told her and he showed her as well. That’s when the violence really began because he couldn't fake crying anymore.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Again, please do not get upset with me, but I have to say this: Your son is spoiled rotten!! Don’t get me wrong -- he’s not a bad kid, but he is so used to being in charge (i.e., the tail wagging the dog) that it is going to take a lot of hard work to get the problems reversed.
We are worried about our son. He may never be a productive member of society for himself. He may never be able to get along with anyone. He claims that it is all our fault. He feels like acute care is a vacation. He is not afraid of going to a detention facility.
WE only get weekly appts on the phone with him and the therapist. We don't know what to do when he gets home. It is scary because we are wondering if he will come home and attack again. The therapist is saying that it will never get better.
>>>>>>>>>>>It will definitely NOT get better until you muster up some tough love. Are you willing to do this? If not, you need get an attorney and have him removed permanently from the home.
The only thing that the justice system and mental health facilities have done is make him more educated on terminology and able to manipulate the situation better.
>>>>>>>>>>>This is not entirely true. If he’s locked-up, he can’t hurt anybody. This is as much about protecting you and others as it is about getting him some help.
He has had to change roommates 3 times because he is violent and even stabbed one child with a pen. I want you to understand the gravity of what we are dealing with. Please help.
>>>>>>>>>>>Oh …I get the picture. But I have a huge concern. I have a bad feeling in my gut that you may continue to “save” your son from emotional pain associated with his poor choices. Please begin setting some serious boundaries immediately. I’ve written a whole book on how to do this.