Are we doing the right thing?

My 16 yr old daughter rec'd F's and we are not allowing her to get her drivers license until her grades are c or better. Are we doing the right thing?

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Hi L.,

Re: poor academic performance, please go to www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/q-a and read this email from a parent: "My son brings home straight F's on his report cards. I ground him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know my son is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" -- B. R.

Re: withholding her driver’s license, please review the following page: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/rely

Given that we as parents want to (a) get out of the business of playing teacher, dean, vice-principal, etc., and (b) foster the development of self-reliance, the answer to your question is “no” – parents are not doing the right thing by not allowing a teenager to get her driver’s license.

Whenever you are undecided about what to do, always ask yourself, “Is the decision I’m about to make going to foster the development of self-reliance or inhibit it. If your decision will foster the development, then go with it. If not, then don’t.

Not allowing her to get her driver’s license will inhibit, to some degree, the development of self-reliance.

Mark

How do you know when it is over the top?

My wife and I have a 16-year-old daughter that we "discovered" was sneaking out of the house at night, partying etc. Once we confronted her, she and a neighbor girl ran away for about a day and a half. Since then she has been to 6-8 counseling sessions with no immediate results. We found you site and put your suggestions into practice now for about two weeks. She became very angry at first, but as privileges were taken away, she backed down some. My question is how do you know when it is over the top? If she threatens to run away again do we immediately call the police? We are just wondering what to do if it ever escalates to that level again. Ironically she is a very good student 3.7 GPA despite sneaking out a couple times a week on weeknight.

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>>>>>>>>>>>How do you know when it is over the top?

Well …make sure you are not grounding or taking away privileges for too long – more on this here: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com (see “When You Want Something From Your Kid”).

>>>>>>>>>>>If she threatens to run away again do we immediately call the police?

Well first of all, don't threaten her. Avoid the temptation to say things like, "If you walk out that door, I'm calling the cops" or "If you leave, you're grounded for a month." or "Fine, go ahead and run ...I'll pack your shit and you live somewhere else."

Instead say, "You know that I can't control you -- and if you really want to run away from home, I can't stop you. I can't watch you 24 hours a day, and I can’t lock you up in your room. But no one in the world loves you the way I do. That is why we have established some house rules. Running away from home will not solve any problems. You and I know it will only make matters worse."

If your daughter follows through with her threat to run away, do the following:

1. Call the police. Don't wait 24 hours -- do it right away.
2. Get the name of the officer you speak with.
3. Call back often.
4. Call everyone your daughter knows and enlist their help.
5. Search everywhere, but do not leave your phone unattended.
6. Search your daughter's room for anything that may give you a clue as to where she went.
7. You may also want to check your phone bill for any calls she made in the last few weeks.

When your teen comes home, wait until you and she are calmed down before you address the matter. Then say (with your best poker face), "When you ran away, I felt worried and afraid. But I have an obligation to protect you. Therefore, if you choose to run away again, you'll choose the consequence -- runaway charges will be filed and a juvenile probation officer will want to meet with you."

If your daughter runs again, follow through with this consequence.


Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I Hate You !!

"I know there are lots of changes going on and my daughter is going to react, but I need some support on another issue. She asked this morning if her friend could come over after school (chores had been done) so I said yes, but asked her to please call me and let me know if her friend was coming or not this afternoon (it was kinda up in the air awaiting approval from the other child's parents). My daughter called, as I requested, but left a vm on my work phone saying this: "Hi Mom, Mallory is coming over, I hate you, Goodbye." This for some reason annoys me to no end. I have no idea why, but I'm both infuriated and want to cry. Do I address it or not ... and if so, how?"

Click here for the answer...

Desperate mom searches for quick fix...

OK, I ordered your book, read some of it by skipping around for now, hoping for an answer to help get me started and so far I have tried all that I have been reading.

My most desperate question involves my son leaving mad, staying out all night or days at a time and not contacting me so I know where he is or whom he is with. I started out with grounding him to the house, which didn't work as he comes and goes, when I am not home, as he pleases.

He went so far as to skip school one day having a "female friend"over and then lied about not going to school. He told me if I didn't ask him questions he wouldn't have to lie to me. I have recently taken his house key and he still left then came back the following evening at knocking on the door because it was locked. I set his book bag outside and told him was not getting in. He responded with "you knew where I was" and I chose not to respond back so he left. I hated doing this but he is constantly leaving and not coming home when he is mad, then calls my daughter's cell phone to see if I am mad....like he has accomplished what he set out to do. I know I am asking a lot seeing as I have just begun your program but as I stated, what I have read, been there done that.

T.

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T.,

Let's do this ...most of the answers to your questions and problems are addressed in the ebook. I would ask that you read the ENTIRE ebook and listen to ALL the audio files. Then email me a specific problem (just one or two at a time).

Take a deep breath. This will take a little time to turn around.

Thank you,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Neurofeedback for ADHD

Hello Mark, Just curious if you have any knowledge about Neurofeedback, EEG and HEG and it's effectiveness. Thanks! D.Z. _________________ Hi D., I do know that Neurofeedback can train the ADHD kid to alter his brain functioning so that he daydreams less and pays attention more (through the use of special software and computer enhanced techniques which allow him to monitor his progress in a videogame format). One of my adolescent clients who tried this couldn't sit still for his Neurofeedback sessions at first. After about the third session he began to enjoy the sessions. By about his tenth session he was more attentive at home and less oppositional. Within six-months his reading and math scores had progressed one grade level. He continues to make grade-appropriate progress in school, but does have occasional setbacks. He goes back periodically for booster sessions. So Neurofeedback is a cool adjunct to the implementation of appropriate parenting strategies for ODD kids. However, it should not be used in lieu of these strategies or as a sole treatment modality. 

 

Mark 

 www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Mom Has To Attend Counseling

My child has been removed from the home at this time for approximately 3 to 6 months. He was charged with assault on me for the second time. I asked for some mental evaluations to be done to see if he could get counseling rather than go into state custody and foster care or reform school. So he will be returning home, and I do have to complete some counseling participation myself. Is this program in any way board certified or recognized by the law or state? If you would send me any information you have on that I would appreciate it. Thank you, B. ______________________ Online Parent Support is not certified by any board; however, there are occasions when the Judge has court-ordered a parent to complete the program. I can provide you with a ‘certificate of completion’ in the case where you would be permitted to use our services.

What do we do next?

Hi Mark,

I have wanted to contact you sooner but time has slipped away. I have received your material and have released control of my son's school issues. They are now his responsibility - his grades that is - not his behavior.

He has been grounded since November - the 1st report card ~ even though he was told he would get his privileges back if his progress report showed improvement ~ when the progress report came the grades were still the same. He made no effort. Finally after a constant tense household ~ several conversations - talks about his future and how his grades will effect him ~ calm talks ~ screaming matches~ crying and all of those adjectives I have missed ~ I finally let go. I took your advice and let him become responsible for his schoolwork. From that moment forward I would not email the teachers, make excuses or try to get extra credit to bring up his grade ~ it was now his responsibility.

Now it is a new card marking and he is showing effort. I have not asked him to do his homework ~ I have not questioned him about it ~ I have helped him with it and been positive.

I am less tense and there has not been a constant source of tension (for that I thank you).

He is still grounded from his privileges until he brings his grades up, but when we do see an effort we are rewarding him - last Friday night he was able to have two friends over because of the improvement. Now my question to you is - if the report card comes home and the grades are still bad - and he is still grounded - what do we do next? Since he is already grounded - from cell phone - friends - going places - would we take something else away - the ipod for example - and for how long? Or what would we do.

Bet you are sorry you asked - lol . Just kidding! Thank you.

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Hold on to your horses.

Actually, he shouldn't be grounded at all!!! (You didn't want to hear that, I bet).

Grounding him is just another version of attempting to take responsibility for his academic performance. You wouldn't ground him if he got fired from his job at McDonald's. Getting fired would be the consequence. In the same way, a bad report card is the consequence.

Parents absolutely hate this advice. But when I ask, "Did grounding your kid for the whole grading period make his grades come up?" ...they drop their heads and say, "No ...his grades got worse."

Hang in there. You are doing a great job. Thanks for being moldable.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com