She's a Shoplifter!

Thank you Mark!

I am having some issues right now with my 16 yr old daughter, D_____. I may give you a call today. I am a single mother. Her father lives across the state in Memphis and is uninvolved. She is really a good kid with moments of complete stupidity. She is extremely intelligent, sensitive, caring and beautiful. She has been on the high school dance team for 3 years now. She takes honors and ap classes, although she has struggled all year. Self-discipline and motivation seem to be her obstacles. She is not a child that I would call blatantly rebellious. It's almost like she does well for a while and then seems to fall back into self-sabotage. She then moves on and is good for a while and then trouble. It seems to be a vicious cycle. Here are some of the issues that we've dealt with over the past 3 years:

- Underage drinking (huge problem with most of the kids around here). This seems to be improving though.

- Lying (consistent pattern)

- Sneaking out (twice that I know of....busted in the act once)

- Shoplifted earrings 2 yrs ago while visiting my brother and sister in law in Nashville. She was caught by the store security. He scared her pretty badly but they did not prosecute. This was a very traumatic event for all of us. We were stunned.

- Turning homework in late or just blowing it off occasionally. Typical example: All grades turned in are As and Bs. Then there will be a 0 here and there, which drops her grade dramatically.

- Periods of apathy, difficulty sleeping. She is on an anti-depressant and sees a counselor some but not regularly.

- 3 wrecks in the first 6 mos of driving. She has her own car....a 1996 Pathfinder that I found in great condition. The first wreck was probably unavoidable. The second one she backed into my neighbor's car in the parking lot of our condo. The third (last week) was from changing lanes and someone was in her blind spot. She did not look over her shoulder. This happened 5 days after we had gotten her car back from being fixed, from the first wreck. Her car is drivable and I have told her that she will have to pay to get it fixed. She is planning to get a job at the end of the month. (She has mono right now.) I am just praying that the insurance does not drop her. I have told her that, when the policy renews and the rates go up, that she will have to pay the difference.

- Unorganized and a tendency to lose things. Room is a mess. She cleans it up and it is a mess again with 1 day. Last year she lost her ipod, my digital camera and a Northface jacket within about a 6 mo period. I no longer by her anything expensive.

- And now for the current issue: She went shopping on Monday just to look at clothes. She did not have money to spend right now. On Tuesday, I discovered some new clothes in her room. I questioned her about it and she said that she had enough money for one thing and the other clothes belonged to her friend. I knew she was lying. My first thought was that she possibly wrote a bad check. However after investigating, I could not find any bags, receipts or evidence of her writing a check. My fear was that she stole the clothes. After confronting her last night, she confessed that she took them. Old Navy: shoes, a dress, a bathing suit. Kohls: flip flops, a bathing suit, a bra and a pair of shorts. She then tells me that she took care of it after school and took all of the clothes back to the stores and told the managers she shoplifted them. I didn't believe her and left the house shortly after our conversation. I drove straight to Old Navy and talked to the manager. She did not bring anything back there. Then I went to Kohls....same story. I told both managers that I would be back with her today to return the items. She has worn the dress and shoes, so we will have to pay for those. I am planning to take her to both stores this afternoon after school. She is bringing the clothes home. They are in her locker. Both places told me last night that they would talk to her but would probably not involve the police. Had she been caught in the act, they would have called them. I am just really worried about her and want to do the right thing. I am also extremely disappointed in her, as she knows the difference between right and wrong.

I've practically read all of the printable info from your website. I realize a lot of things I have been doing wrong. I am committed to changing my methods! Thank you so much for what you are doing. I can see it has made a difference in a lot of lives.

Thank you,

E.

----------

Hi E.,

I think you're right on track with how to handle this one.

Most teens shoplift because they:

·think the store can afford the loss
·think they won't get caught
·don't know how to handle temptation when faced with things they want
·feel peer-pressure to shoplift
·don't know how to work through feelings of anger, depression, unattractiveness, or lack of acceptance

In any event, take your daughter back to the store and find the manager. Then have your daughter confess, apologize, make restitution (i.e., pay for the items she took), and accept any legal consequences.

Know that once teenagers steal, it is easier for them to steal again. If police arrest teens for stealing, especially shoplifting, it is rarely their first time.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

He can smell the stink of it...

I want to thank you for the email advice and the chance to review material that has helped us. I have to admit we haven't gone step-by-step through the plan; however, just reading and taking different paths during problematic times along with knowing I have support has been so much help. In addition to the material, we do have our son in counseling -- not sure what the outcome will be; but a step we had to take rather than not to and wonder if it could have helped some. We did put our son on medication.

My son has been in and out of dr. apts to the point of almost disappointment. However, after several med changes, we have found one that appears to help him. I know this is not a complete cure, I know he may grow immune to the regimen, but it has given us time to let our guard down at home and work with our son. I never wanted to put my son on anything that could hurt his system and didn't want to because of the many articles you read making a parent almost feel guilty in doing so - but the combination of items is helping us to recover.

Our situation isn't gone and there are days that go downhill, but my son is happier! Our home is more relaxed. I did want to pass along a book title to others who may need to feel some comfort is the Dance of Defiance; a mother and son journey.

Here is my question - and need some advice quickly.

Despite all of the behavioral problems, school trouble, and rebellion, I haven't ever worried about my son smoking, drinking or doing drugs. At this point, (13 years old) he makes comments about headaches from smoke and doesn't like the taste of alcohol. However, like any child without defiance issues, the peer pressure is there to do so.

My son has been given more responsibility and privileges due to positive behavior and has shown significant improvement in his school grades. We also have gone for 8 weeks without a school phone call or detention.

In the earned privileges is the ability to go to his friend's house and spend the night. A couple weeks ago, he stayed the day there and appeared to have a good time - along with going out to play ice hockey with friends. A few days later he told me his friend's sister smokes pot in her bedroom and he can smell the stink of it. I am torn as to what to do now.

The friend has been a friend of my son's for the past few years; it isn't a new relationship. The boy happens to live with his sister with their grandmother. The boy's mother did live with them but moved out with a fiance in another school district and so the kids stayed so as not to change schools. I know the grandmother and mother but they do not have home phones to call and talk - only cell phones. And, do I know actually the daughter is smoking pot?? My son did not show any interest in or didn't talk about "hanging out" with the sister when at the house.

I feel as a parent I shouldn't let my son go over any more. I feel like I should say something but short of driving to their home to talk it isn't as easy as picking up the phone. The other side of me says my son has shown responsibility and is not influenced by the situation - so is it up to me to tell the grandmother her granddaughter smokes pot in her bedroom. I am also torn to tell my son he can't go anymore and not tell him why. I don't feel it necessary to lie to him at 13; and should I tell him the truth he may not confide in us any longer (when I really need him to feel comfortable to do so). And, talking to the family could create a situation at school for my son, which would ultimately against widen the trust factor in my son's mind against us.

What to do next? This situation could turn us upside down after the progress we made going forward - am I gaining anything?

Please provide your thoughts.

__________

Hi K.,

Weighing everything together, I think your son should be allowed to see his friend.

Educate yourself completely about drugs so you will be able to identify any warning signs that your son is abusing drugs: www.nida.nih.gov

Keep a sharp eye out. If you feel he’s getting caught up in something, then intervene regardless of your son’s relationship with his buddy.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

He blows smoke in my face...

I am very much appreciating the support and book guidance. I have not seen anything yet that helps me deal with another issue, which is huge in our home. My son does smoke when he finds ways to obtain cigarettes. He's been suspended from school, off his basketball team for 3 weeks, but most of the time has not gotten "caught". I firmly believe this is just another means of producing a reaction in me. However, I am deathly allergic to cig smoke and my asthma has required intense treatment as he flaunts his cigs, blows smoke in my face and refuses to change his smoky clothes. I have had 3 bouts of pneumonia this winter, which has knocked me for a loop and I have had to limit our activities. Again I think he is attempting to maintain his control over me and he's doing a great job any suggestions? Thanks

=========

Sorry mom. You're not going to
like my advice, but here goes:

You will not be able to stop him
from smoking. Pick your battles
carefully - and this is not a battle
you should fight. In fact, the
more you worry about it or
lecture him, the more he will
smoke! But you can stop him
from smoking on YOUR
property. Here's what you can
say to your son:

"I can't keep you from damaging
your health by smoking. But it's
your health – and mine! So,
I don't want you smoking in my
house or anywhere on my
property. If you choose to
smoke on my property, you'll
choose the consequence, which
is grounding for 3 days without
privileges (e.g., use of phone,
T.V., computer, etc.)."

If your son smokes on the
property, follow through with the
consequence.

[Use the strategy “When You Want
Something From Your Kid” in the
Anger Management section of the
online version of the ebook.]

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

My 15-year-old daughter had been drinking...

Dear Mr. Hutten,

Thanks for getting back to me so promptly. I was able to find the email last night and printed out your book. I had just discovered that my 15-year-old daughter had been drinking again and I was able to handle the situation from a position of power. You advice really was helpful.

My question is I have told my daughter she can have a birthday party for her boy and girl friends at our house. I have outlined the restrictions (no backpacks, parents must rsvp. once they come in, they can't go out, if anyone is found with alcohol or drugs I will call their parents to pick them up immediately, and my daughter will directly bear the responsibility for any inappropriate behavior. What advise can you give me so that she can have a fun but safe party and I can have peace about having her friends over.

Thank you,

D.L.
Massachusetts

__________

I think you on track …I don’t really have anything to add. As long as everybody knows what the ground rules are for the party, then just focus on making it a celebratory event. If anybody chooses to violate a ground rule, then simply follow through with the consequence.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Picky Eater & Poor Organizer

Mark,

Thank you for your quick response. You are helping us so much. A couple more quick questions:

1. My daughter has always been a very picky eater and it seems to be getting worse. We eat dinner together at least a few nights a week. I serve healthy meals and keep pretty healthy stuff in our home. We make her have at least a bite of everything, but she would rather starve rather than eat something she doesn’t like. When she is around junk food, she goes crazy. She seems to be addicted to sugar. I know this is affecting her moods. Any suggestions?

>>>>>>>>>> Junk food is a privilege, just like video games or money for a movie. She should EARN her junk food, and a good way to do this would be for her to eat some fruits and veggies (e.g., eat a salad = receive one serving of potato chips).

2. My daughter’s school notebooks are a huge disaster. All of her stuff is so disorganized. Somehow she manages to still get pretty good grades although they are starting to go down. Do we make her organize her stuff or do we just let it go?

>>>>>>>>>> “Providing too much assistance” is a form of over-indulgence, and as you may have read in my ebook, over-indulgence is the main parenting mistake. Consider having her EARN some really cool notebook with pockets, flaps, tabs and so on. Then let her choose to organize it however she wants (‘disorganization’ is a form of organization).

My husband and I are so motivated to start now with all of the suggestions in your ebook and are now looking forward to the positive changes we know that will happen.

We are very grateful,

K.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

She's a Pooper.

My 8yr old daughter has been wetting or pooping in her pants and hiding them from us. It used to be occasionally, now it is multiple times during the week. When asked why, she says she is only allowed to go to the bathroom at school during certain times. She also has other behaviors, which are very concerning. This evening she peed in a small cup instead of going to the bathroom (located right outside her bedroom) because she did not want to disturb me. We have tried taking privileges away and spankings, but it has not fixed the problem. I am at my hits end and would appreciate any suggestions you might have.

Thank you ~T.

_____________________________________________


Hi T.,

Your daughter has what is called an elimination disorder. Elimination disorders occur in children who have problems going to the bathroom -- both defecating and urinating. Although it is not uncommon for young children to have occasional "accidents," there may be a problem if this behavior occurs repeatedly for longer than 3 months, particularly in children older than 5 years.

There are two types of elimination disorders, encopresis and enuresis. Encopresis is the repeated passing of feces into places other than the toilet, such as in underwear or on the floor. This behavior may or may not be done on purpose. Enuresis is the repeated passing of urine in places other than the toilet. Enuresis that occurs at night, or bed-wetting, is the most common type of elimination disorder. As with encopresis, this behavior may or may not be done on purpose.

In addition to the behavior of releasing waste in improper places, a child with encopresis may have other symptoms, including loss of appetite, abdominal pain, loose stools, scratching or rubbing the anal area due to irritation from watery stools, decreased interest in physical activity, withdrawal from friends and family, and secretive behavior associated with bowel movements.

A child with encopresis is at risk for emotional and social problems related to the condition. They may develop self-esteem problems, become depressed, do poorly in school and refuse to socialize with other children, including not wanting to go to parties or to attend events requiring them to stay overnight. Teasing by friends and scolding by family members can add to the child's self-esteem problems and contribute to the child's social isolation. If the child does not develop good bowel habits, he or she may suffer from chronic constipation.

Encopresis is fairly common, even though many cases are not reported due to the child's and/or the parents' embarrassment. It is estimated that anywhere from 1.5% to 10% of children have encopresis. It is more common in boys than in girls.

Encopresis tends to get better as the child gets older, although the problem can come and go for years. The best results occur when all educational, behavioral and emotional issues are addressed. A child may still have an occasional accident until he or she regains muscle tone and control over his or her bowel movements.

If symptoms are present, the doctor will begin an evaluation by performing a complete medical history and physical examination. The doctor may use certain tests -- such as X-rays -- to rule out other possible causes for the constipation, such as a disorder of the intestines. If no physical disorder is found, the doctor will base his or her diagnosis on the child's symptoms and current bowel habits.

The most common cause of encopresis is chronic constipation, the inability to release stools from the bowel. This may occur for several reasons, including stress, not drinking enough water and pain caused by a sore in or near the anus.

When a child is constipated, a large mass of feces develops, which stretches the rectum. This stretching dulls the nerve endings in the rectum, and the child may not feel the need to go to the bathroom or know that waste is coming out. The mass of feces also can become impacted -- too large or too hard to pass without pain. Eventually, the muscles that keep stool in the rectum can no longer hold it back. Although the large, hard mass of feces cannot pass, loose or liquid stool may leak around the impacted mass and onto the child's clothing.

Factors that may contribute to constipation include a diet low in fiber, lack of exercise, fear or reluctance to use unfamiliar bathrooms (e.g., public restrooms), not taking the time to use the bathroom, changes in bathroom routines (e.g., scheduled bathroom breaks at school).

Another possible cause of encopresis is a physical problem related to the intestine's ability to move stool. The child also may develop encopresis because of fear or frustration related to toilet training. Stressful events in the child's life, such as a family illness or the arrival of a new sibling, may contribute to the disorder. In some cases, the child simply refuses to use the toilet.

Although it may not be possible to prevent encopresis, getting treatment as soon as symptoms appear may help reduce the frustration and distress, as well as the potential complications related to the disorder. In addition, being positive and patient with a child during toilet training may help prevent any fear or negative feelings about using the toilet.

Treatment often begins by clearing any feces that has become impacted in the colon, also called the large intestine. The next step is to try to keep the child's bowel movements soft and easy to pass. In most cases, this can be accomplished by changing the child's diet, using scheduled trips to the bathroom and encouraging or rewarding positive changes in the child's bathroom habits. In more severe cases, the doctor may recommend using stool softeners or laxatives to help reduce constipation. Psychotherapy (a type of counseling) may be used to help the child cope with the shame, guilt or loss of self-esteem associated with the disorder.


Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Things were going well for awhile.

Mark,

Thank you for your newsletter reminding me that there is help out there. I have neglected to give you our story because I know you are busy.

Our grandson has come to live with us here in Indiana one year ago from Hawaii . He has always been close to us since birth because his father was murdered when he was three months old and we cared for my daughter and him after that, until she remarried a military guy and moved to HI. D____ is 13 years old now …his mother has also joined the military and he is on the verge of being out of control.

D____ has been diagnosed ADHD and ODD and was on meds while in HI. However since he has been here, we have not kept up with these meds and it is my desire not to have too.

He was in therapy October and November, but the therapist only would show for the sessions less than half of the time and I did not know where to turn.

November was horrible, and then I began using your techniques. D____ responded very well to the poker face and the three-day groundings of his games and computer. He went from an average four detentions a month to none in Dec. and January. Now, February, he has six!

I don’t know of any changes at home or school that would have caused such a drastic change. He has begun to be disrespectful again and has had all of his fun items taken away. If he continues, I don’t know what to take away next. Starting over with the three days has me completely confused at this point since he is getting in trouble over and over again in the same day.

Any suggestions or questions?

Thanks,

B.

___________________________________________________


A kid’s emotional and behavioral problems happen for a reason. The current problems could be due to something at home or school, something that happened in the past, bio-chemical changes that occur as the child develops, etc. (You did mention that he is 13-years-old now. Kids usually fire their caretakers as managers around this age and say, ”I take it from here.”) In any event, it wouldn’t be a good use of time and energy to speculate about the cause. All we can do is address issues today.

I find that when parents were experiencing an improvement in their child’s behavior, and then things got worse again, it is nearly always the case that the parent has neglected some of her strategies. The method discussed in my ebook consists of a ‘set of strategies’ that must be used ‘in combination’ with one another. If any part of the method is overlooked, the entire system fails.

Consider all the individual components in the transmission of your car. If just one tiny part (e.g., a check ball or a little spring) is lose or broken, the entire transmission stops working. The same is true with these parenting strategies.

Let me provide you with a check-list. If you answer “no” to any of these statements, you may have discovered a potential problem in your parenting transmission:


1. After issuing a consequence, I never retract it.

2. I allow my out-of-control kid to make wrong choices, which gives him wisdom; experience is a great teacher.

3. I am able to differentiate between my kid’s wants and her/his needs.

4. I don’t nag – I simply follow through with the consequence.

5. I don’t try to save my kid from negative consequences and painful emotions associated with poor choices.

6. I expect my out-of-control kid to resist my new parenting strategies.

7. I give equal love to all my kids, but parent them differently.

8. I give only one warning -- then I follow through with the consequence.

9. I give my kid at least five chores to do each week.

10. When I slip into a rage against my kid, I apologize, but I don’t try to compensate by over-indulging him/her.

11. I keep an eye out for my kid’s guilt-trips.

12. I know that a weaker parenting-strategy supported by both parents is better than a stronger strategy supported by only one, and I adjust accordingly.

13. I have learned to say “no”-- and to stick with “no” when it is my answer.

14. I only give my kid gifts on birthdays, Christmas and graduation.

15. I understand that over-indulged kids are too comfortable and that they need some discomfort before they will change.

16. I understand that parenting is not a popularity contest – I am not a "buddy"!

17. I respond to my kid’s anger with a poker face.

18. When taking away privileges, I take away the privilege for a short period (3 days works best; if it lasts too long, resentment builds, my kid forgets the infraction, and the lesson is lost).

19. When I catch myself feeling sorry for my kid, I know it is a sign that I am – once again – taking on too much responsibility.

20. When my kid needs to be cheered-up, I do so with active listening, empathy, paraphrasing, validation, and hugs rather than giving her/him stuff or freedom (e.g., unearned privileges, food, gifts, fun activities, etc.).

21. I do not dabble with these non-traditional parenting strategies – I am consistent!

22. I regularly use “The Art Of Saying Yes” when my answer is yes (covered in the ebook).

23. I regularly use “The Art Of Saying No” when my answer is no (covered in the ebook).

24. I regularly use the strategy “When You Want Something From Your Kid” whenever I want my kid to do as requested (covered in the ebook).

25. I avoid power struggles at all cost.

26. I have the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can, and I have the wisdom to know the difference.


www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com