Depression Leads to Disrespect?

How do you deal with a kid that has been diagnosed with depression, they come home from school, something is clearly bothering them, they won't tell you what is going on, but then they are disrespectful and ugly to the parents. You know as parents that something else is going on, but at the same time can't allow complete disrespect.

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I would tell him/her exactly what you just wrote in this email:

"I know something is bothering you, and I know you don't want to talk about it. That's O.K. ...I still love you, but I can't allow you to _______________ [here describe exactly what his/her disrespect looks like to you] without any consequences."

...then simply use "The Art of Saying Yes" ..."The Art of Saying No" ...and the strategy "When You Want Something From Your Kid" ...all of which are outlined in the eBook.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Is She Bipolar?

Hello.

I have read some of the other e-mails from other parents going through similar problems that I am having with my daughter. I have to say it has helped me (along with this book) to cope a little more. Just to know that I am not alone and there is hope.

My story with my daughter began 5 days after I turned 19. I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. I was not married and obviously she was not a planned pregnancy. Her dad and I were "together" but I wouldn't say it was what you'd call the ideal family. I was attending college and living with my sister. She was very helpful and her dad and I didn't get along very well so this was the best situation for her and I.

Like I said I was 19, a little selfish and very busy! I was going to school about 3/4 time and working nights as a waitress. When my daughter was old enough for preschool, I took a co-op job and continued with school. I finally (after 8 years in school) received my bachelor's degree and landed my first "real" job. This was full time with a great company. My daughter was then 7 years old and her dad and I were over. We had very rough years in there, living together off and on. There was some physical and mental abuse that went on and I believe a slight bit of neglect for her (sad to say). Me being busy with school, work and my social life. I did love my daughter and provided very well for her and worked hard FOR HER. I feel bad if I did neglect her feelings. I think I just thought she just knew that she was #1 with me, but I don’t' think I showed that all the time.

To move on now. My daughter was always somewhat "difficult". Now looking back I see that she would always seek out "negative" attention. I don’t think I dealt good with that then. When she would act out, I think my emotions escalated with her's until we were both arguing. When she was little this didn't seem like that big of a problem and we would just get through the hard days and things would be better tomorrow.

I met my husband shortly after graduating from college. I owned my own house at the time and it was just she and I. We dated for about a year and half, before getting engaged and decided to move in together. He lived in a city about 1/2 hour away from my house (which was the same city I worked in), so it made sense to live in his house and sell mine. He had full custody of his son, which was 4 at the time. We moved during the summer so that the school transition with my daughter was a little easier. She did see her dad on and off in during this time period (every other weekend type situation).

After we were married, things were ok. But like I said there was always problems with my daughter, acting out and seeking my "negative attention". Seems like she was never happy. She did not like doing things with my husband’s family (which were very accepting of both of us). I also believe that she felt like an outcast in her own home. I took her away from the city she grew up in, away from friends, and I took on a husband and a stepson, and she gained nothing and lost part of her mommy. Can you see the guilt I am trying to set up? I have a lot of it.

So now, she is 15 and angry as hell. My husband and I have made a good life for her, we moved into a bigger house (with her own bathroom), she is always provided for, she has everything all of her friends have, ipod, cell phone, tv etc………….. But she is always mad. Always making comments, complains about everything, even when we are on vacation. Seems like there is always something wrong or something to bitch about.

Her middle school years were a little rocky but she made it through with decent grades and very little trouble (not to say there was no trouble). She did not see her dad much through these years, mostly because she did not want to and he did not make her.

9th grade (this year) was the year it seeming to all fall apart. We have been in counseling off an on since she was 8 due to the problems I felt my daughter has been dealing with everything that has happened in her life. It is now May 9th, 2007 and there is 3 and 1/2 weeks of school left for her and looks like she may be a freshman again next year. To go over a little of the happenings in the past year:

Labor Day weekend, 2006: My husband and I went up north for ONE night, letting her stay with a friend. She broke into our house and had a party. There was destruction (minor) done to the house and things were stolen. We called the police and filed a report. We first thought someone broke in because she denied it all. But then later she admitted everything. She was grounded the whole 1st month of school. Her grades were actually good at this point. Then after getting ungrounded her grades started to plummet. She received several referrals for inappropriate behavior in the classroom and by mid year, she had failed two classes and was put on a behavior contract. During all of this she had been caught drinking several times, in a car accident with a drunk driver and being verbally and physically abusive with me when being punished. I called the cops on her one night for punching me in the arm (which her counselor advised us to do).

The beginning of the 3rd marking period seemed to start off good, she did not get any referrals for two months and grades were ok. The rages still continued at home when being punished or being told "no". She does not like the word ‘no’ AT ALL. She was caught in a car full of pot smoke and luckily only written a ticket for loitering since there was no evidence other than the smell. She was also getting more violent with me, leaving bumps and bruises on me, she even tried to pull the keys from my moving vehicle, and also did shove the car into park when I was moving. This is behavior I didn't understand nor knew how to deal with. I felt like an abused wife. I wouldn't tell anyone and would basically just let her get away with it. I felt like she didn't even care that she was hurting me. I know she did feel out of control and didn't like it. She knows it was wrong but couldn't help it.

After doing a lot of online research, I felt like she fit the criteria for bipolar disorder. It was scary to see all the similarities of this disorder with my daughter. I reluctantly requested if she could see a psychiatrist to be evaluated. In the interim waiting for the evaluation, she mouthed back to a substitute teacher, which put in with her last referral, this was it and she was kicked out of school, until we (her and I) met with the school board. During this time, she had another outburst in which I called the police. The policeman that came, really gave it to her good and lectured her for about an hour. He told her that he could take her to Juvi, she did not like that idea. By the end of the conversation with the cop, he basically told her that she was at the line in the sand, the last straw if there is a next time, she WILL be taken away. When the cop left, he still was not convinced she even gave a shit by her actions and facial expressions (defiance).

So getting to the end or I should say the present. We went to the psychiatrist, he suggested that she be put on two medications, a mood stabilizer (Amblify) and a medication for ADHD (Concerta). I did not see signs of ADHD before (or I guess thought about it), but the Dr. gave me some questionnaires to have her teachers fill out, and to my surprise she fell into a lot of the criteria that fit ADHD. And now thinking about I have always struggled with homework with her, staying focused. And now with her grades, it's like she just does not care. She is always saying "I forgot", even when she took the time to finish something, she would just not hand it in. Either she forgot that she had homework or a test to study for. She had completely disregarded the importance of school and her education.

Anyway, after hearing that you could not drink on the meds, she didn't want take them, and admitted that this was part of the reason. The Dr. did not give us the prescription. He said in order for the meds to work, she must understand and admit the need for them. And if she did drink on them, it may make things worse. We all decided to give it 2 months and see where things were and if things did not improve or got worse that she would go on the meds. She agreed with this. This was on May 1st. Since then, she seemed to be doing good, then we had an outburst about homework and I took away the computer, she yelled and screamed profanities, but did not destroy or hurt anything. She did punch the crap out of the couch thought, I guess is an improvement.

As you can tell and you may be feeling like me, I am in a state of very mixed emotions, frustrated, angry, guilty, depressed, denial, grieving over the loss of the child I thought my daughter would be. This is all very hard to deal with, not to mention my marriage is pretty much on hold for now, and that is if we make it though all of this. I am not sure how much more he can take, and I'm starting to totally agree that all this is not fair for him or his son.

I know all of this sounds like I am only telling the bad things about my daughter. She has a lot of good qualities in her too. She is a very strong-minded (which can be a good thing if used correctly). She is a good loyal friend to all of her friends. She is very respectful of herself (sex wise). She claims to still be a virgin and I (truly) do believe her. I do believe that she is proud of herself for that and that she wants a boy that will respect her. She is very fun loving and smart. She just needs to put a little effort forth. I don't know where her ambition went.

She no longer has a cell phone, and the CPU to our computer is in the trunk of my car. She is not taking drivers training this summer like all her friends. I just don't know what else to do!

I read your book on May 7th (two days ago). I used the technique in your book last night which kept the tantrum to a minimum, still not acceptable but it was a lower degree and lasted less time. I told her "no" to something and when she said why, I told her, then when she told me that was gay and not fair, I just said, "I am not going to argue with you". I said this repeatedly, just like you say to do. I made myself have the "poker face". After a little while she relented. I have to say, it was hard to do (not to get emotional), but I do see that it works and maybe that will make it easier in the future.

We are going back to see the counselor and she may be willing to try the meds. What do you think?

Thanks for listening and I hope that this will help anyone in a similar situation. I would love any advice or comments on my story. I'm starting not to feel so alone.

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Hi R.,

First, thank you for sharing so deeply.

Re: She no longer has a cell phone, and the CPU to our computer is in the trunk of my car. She is not taking drivers training this summer like all her friends. I just don't know what else to do!

As you read, consequences should be short-term. Please review the Anger Management chapter in the Online Version of the eBook. Have you listened to ALL of the audio?


Re: We are going back to see the counselor and she may be willing to try the meds. What do you think?

If she is truly Bipolar, then meds are a “must have” …it will take her psychiatrist about one year of experimentation to get the right drug dosages and combinations.

Keep up the good work,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Mom Gets Punked - Again!

Mark,

Today is the last (4th) day of M___'s discipline.

>>>>>>>> 3 days works best.

No going out, no cell phone, no computer, only 15 minutes of supervised "land line" phone. He had Lacrosse practice after school today.

>>>>>>>> Is lacrosse a right or a privilege? I think it could go either way. It could be viewed as ‘part of school’ …but at the same time, it really is a privilege (I’m sure the coach would agree). Thus, you could warn him that the next time he abuses “lacrosse privileges” by staying longer at school for additional extracurricular activities that were not part of the original agenda – he will be grounded FROM lacrosse (no more than 3 days though).

He did call and inform me (from a friend's phone by the way) the team was to look at "game tapes" (they have never done this before) after practice today and then he would stay at school to watch the "powder puff" girls football game. I explained to him that he was still grounded until tomorrow and could not stay for it. He did acknowledge this. He then called later and said that the varsity coach wanted to talk to him and a few of the other jv players about moving them up to varsity for playoffs.

>>>>>>>>> You’ve just been punked – again.

(The powder puff game started at 7pm.) He called again at 8pm to pick him up. I HIGHLY suspect him going to the girl’s game (it was half-time when I picked him up) but can't prove it. I can e-mail the lacrosse coach but won't get an answer until tomorrow but he is supposed to have his phone back in the morning before I can verify. How do you handle a situation like this? Do I let him have his privileges back since I can't prove it? Please advise!!

>>>>>>>>>> I would simply issue the warning that I mentioned above.

He is also lately telling me he is not doing his homework, "forgot" his backpack in a friend's car today, and is getting 3 D's (he has had 2 A's, 3 B's and one C all year). He says as long as his ACT is good (not taken yet) he doesn't care and will still be accepted to a good college. I can easily ask his counselor for a progress report. I kept my poker face when he told me this--do I let the cards fall as they may or do I check this out?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I assume you read the eBook in its entirety. If so, then you know my recommendation on this. You can review it here.

Once again, thanks for the advice. I am trying very hard to follow your plan.

>>>>>>>>> You are doing a great job. Keep it up.

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Pleased With The Prospects

[Re: Parent Support] "I'm very pleased with the prospects ...been through many suggested techniques ...this set shows the most promise thus far! I'm very impressed with Mark and how he makes himself & resources available." -- T.J.

If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got.

How does going through the program change things as far as grades go? Your website mentioned how grade should improve by using this program. This is a particular issue in our house at this time because it is almost the end of another year with our daughter not applying herself to school. She is more than capable, but just doesn’t seem to try. She’ll constantly promise to do better, but it always turns out to be the same old same old. Obviously we have done the lecturing (“bitching”) thing in the past, but it does no good. And obviously when the bad grades come in we can’t just use the poker face and say “Oh” and act like it doesn’t matter. So how do we respond to the bad grades without appearing to lecture?

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I guess you haven't gotten to the "Emails From Worried & Exasperated Parents" page yet ...located here ==> Click Here

Look for the email from the parent that reads:

"My son brings home straight F's on his report cards. I ground him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know my son is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" -- B. R.

This recommendation ONLY applies in those cases where:

(1) the child has a history of poor academic performance, AND

(2) poor academic performance has been an ongoing source of parent-child conflict in the home.

Parents who actually FOLLOW this recommendation find that their child's grades eventually come up. But unfortunately, most parents are not comfortable with this recommendation and therefore (a) do not follow it, (b) continue doing what they've always done to try to get their child's grades to improve, and (c) continue to see their child's grades go down.

You may be under the assumption that if you just try harder, issue stiffer consequences, set-up a better reward system, etc., then you will eventually "win the war" against your kids' bad grades. If so, let me ask, how's that been working for you. It might be much easier -- and less painful in the long run -- for you to go find a brick wall to beat your head against.

Click Here for the recommendation.

Mark

Short-term Mild Pain vs. Long-term Major Pain

Hi S. I’ve responded where you see these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>>>

Mr. Hutten,

Thank you for the excellent advice for assertive parenting. I like to think I employ a few of these techniques already, but definitely see room for improvement.

I have attempted to create an account so that I can join in chatroom discussions, but after entering the information and clicking "save", nothing happens. Any suggestions?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Just click on Sign Up …then type your email address, password x2, and a display name. If this doesn’t work for some reason, you can just click on “Chat Anonymously.”

Also, I have a question with regard to our 16 yr old. We have 4 boys ...two 10 yr olds, a 13 yr old, and a 16 yr old. So far, the younger ones have proven to be a piece of cake. The 16 yr old, however, has been a real challenge this year. He was hanging out with the wrong crowd and skipping school. We were trying to work on those issues (although, not in the most productive way, from what I've learned with
OPS).

In the process, we learned that he was using alcohol and marijuana (primarily in party or social settings). Last fall, he had an encounter with the law when he and his "pals" were caught loitering in the school parking lot and breaking/entering vehicles, stealing radios. Some of the other boys had multiple offenses and were given harsher punishment. Ours landed himself in the JDC for 21 days, missing
Thanksgiving, several community service hours, probation, expulsion from school, and placement in an alternative school for problematic teens.

He's threatened suicide, although, those appear to be more attention-seeking attempts. (We, of course, don't take the threats lightly but recognize them for what we believe them to be.) We've met with a mental-health counselor who felt we didn't have a problem that required therapy.

We tried removing him from the negative influences by moving him to a new school and letting him stay with his mother for a period of time (his choice). He came home with renewed promise to get back on track. It lasted for a short period but he's back to sneaking out, using marijuana, being verbally abusive and skipping school regularly (several classes or days per week). He's not made any effort to begin his community service and he's regularly defiant at home.

His world revolves around his girlfriend who is two years older. We've tried to control that situation as well, but it only induces more hostility so we try to encourage positive dating and family events including his date.

Needless to say, several of his acts violate his probation. His father is hurt, angry, and all those emotions you mentioned. I realize his need to take care of himself so that he's better prepared to take care of the problems with our son. We're working on that.

My question, is this...are we too late to employ these tactics?

>>>>>>>>>> No …BUT you MUST work WITH probation. Allow your son to make mistakes, then report these mistakes to his PO. This IS the learning process for him.

>>>>>>>>>> Here’s the formula:

(1) State the house rule and the consequence for breaking the house rule;
(2) Allow him to break the house rule – do not attempt to “save” him from breaking the rule;
(3) Follow through with the consequence – even if the consequence is reporting violations to his PO.

I realize, over time, there's significant hope for improvement, but being where we are right now, I don't know that we have that kind of time. We recognize that there's a very real potential for the judge to violate his probation anyway once his report card comes in, etc. Every time his father goes before the judge with him (monthly) he's torn on whether to be 100% truthful with the judge, which will automatically violate the probation...or to maintain that things are improving and continue working on the situation at home. Of course, no father wants to violate his son's probation and see him back in JDC.

>>>>>>>>>>> There should be no being “torn” – being “torn” and withholding information from the judge and PO is another form of over-indulgence, which IS the problem to start with.

He's emotionally drained and worried sick. With school nearly out and summer rapidly approaching, we (both working full time) are very concerned about the potential for more problems with even more free time on his hands.

>>>>>>>>>>> You will need to focus on taking care of yourselves in ways you wouldn’t have to if your son was not so intense.

I wish we had found your help earlier, and we're eager to employ the suggested parenting techniques, hoping for the best long-term outcome. In the interim, and with this judiciary issue pending, are we best to take this route and hope for the best or try to seek additional help from an outside resource with the hope of prompting more immediate change...and if, the latter would be your suggestion, where do we turn for that kind of assistance?

Your input is very much valued and your time appreciated. Thanks! S.B.

>>>>>>>>>>> If you’re referring to “counseling” – this is just another traditional parenting strategy that will have little or no positive outcome. You should allow him to experience uncomfortable emotions associated with his poor choices in the form of legal consequences – this is the ONLY way he will learn.

I would rather he experience some mild, short-term pain NOW rather than some major, long-term pain LATER in the form of adult prison. You do get my point, I’m sure.

Read the eBook – twice. Listen to ALL the audio in the Online Version of the eBook – twice. If you don’t have time to sit at your computer, get the CDs ==> CLICK HERE. And email me periodically over the next several months.

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Creative Wife Gets Resistant Husband "On Board"

Mark,

I'm trying to implement the strategies in the eBook, but am getting NO support from my husband as he thinks my son should listen to him -- HAS to listen to him -- and I should severely punish him. I really have no one else to turn to at this point, and need some guidance.

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In those cases where the husband basically refuses to read any of the eBook and simply wants to keep parenting the way he always has, I would recommend doing what one creative member of Online Parent Support did.

She played the audio version of the eBook (on CD) in the car whenever she and her resistant husband drove somewhere together. He was a captive audience and either had to wear ear plugs or listen to the material (he reluctantly choose to listen). Sneaky, huh?

Did he immediately "jump on board"? No. But after listening to the CDs several times in the car alongside his wife, he did begin to adopt some of the really important ingredients that ultimately made mom's job much much easier.

Do yourself a BIG favor and get the CDs. They're only 17 bucks. If your husband refuses to listen to them -- or listens to them but does NOT find them helpful, simply send them back and I'll write you a check for a refund. You've got nothing to lose here.

==> ORDER THE CDs HERE